Health Update

So what's been going on since the last blog?

A lot, but suffice it to say, I got tired of the "wait and see" mentality of my previous gynecologist (I'm 35. Waiting and seeing is off the table.) and now I'm going to a clinic that has a more intense focus on infertility. So they did a workup on me and found that I have at least 1 dermoid cyst. There is a second cyst that may be dermoid or may be a fibroid. Or maybe it's all one cyst with two sections? I'm honestly not totally sure. The doctors know

Often cysts like these are ignored.... But I'm very good at growing things that shouldn't be there. My gallstones were huge when my gall bladder was removed. My cysts are similarly huge. So huge that they have to be removed via surgery.  Somewhere between 6 and 9 cm.... that's as large as a baby's HEAD. They may be able to remove just the cyst... but probably not. It's likely that they will have to take part or even the whole ovary. This doesn't mean that I won't be able to get pregnant in the future, they would just be removing my "spare tire" as they referred to it. :D

And of course, this is the busiest summer I've had in a long time... so, in order to not screw up any other plans and give me enough time to recover... I'm having the surgery next week-- Tuesday to be specific.

I have not been diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis and the rest of the workup has all come back as "normal," so there is at least a possibility that these cysts have been getting in the way of pregnancy but we do know they need to go (with cysts this large they could flip the ovary which apparently is real bad.)

We still want to get pregnant (I still maintain my insane desire to have twins. Don't @ me. If I can cope with Nathan's cancer, I can cope with twins.) Adoption is also an option, though I really want a baby and any route that isn't foster care is very expensive.  But pregnancy aside, this is something that would need to happen. Sadly, it means we're going to have to miss my big family 4th of July celebration, which is a huge disappointment as it's one of my favorite holidays. But at least this way it will be done with and I don't have to dread it for too long. So yeah, that's what's going on with me.

Not Pregnant (Yet?)

It's been 4 years since I made a blog post. Maybe I'll talk about the whys and wherefores in a post after this one, but for now, I just want to use this post the same way I always have... To talk to people on a massive scale about what's on my mind.

There are two truths:

I want kids.

I'm not pregnant.*

I've been very reluctant to talk about this to the world at large. As if by saying it in the public sphere I could be jinxing myself. But when have I ever been private with my life and my personal stuff?  I really haven't been able to figure it out. Why is this something I've been keeping on the down-low? Maybe I wanted it to be a surprise? Like anyone who's ever known me is under the illusion that I wasn't sure if I wanted children. Or maybe I want to avoid pity, but honestly who has time to bother with pity? (If you do, go pity someone else, not me.) I certainly don't want to seem like I'm judging anyone who does choose to keep quiet about their fertility challenges. But that's not me. I plan on letting the world know I'm pregnant pretty quickly. If I have a miscarriage, I want people to understand why I'm not myself. I'm not one to hold my grief in, I'm one to blog about it daily for two years. 😉

I was kinda hoping it would be easy. I was hoping that unlike a lot of stuff in my life, pregnancy would be one of those things that I said I was ready for and it would then happen.  On the other hand, I was pretty well expecting that it wouldn't be easy. I know several people who have struggled to get pregnant and many who have had miscarriages. It feels like a very common struggle these days. (Btw, I've not had a miscarriage. I have no idea the physical and emotional pain that is to deal with, and I very much don't want to have to go through that, but in some ways even not having a miscarriage is a little scary because it is a sign that it's even possible for a person to get pregnant. )

And on top of the "why does this have to be hard too?!" complaint is how frustrating it still is to be so out of step with my peers.

Nathan and I decided to start trying for a baby the month that he was diagnosed. This was a little bit before or right around the time that most of our friendship group started trying. If that had happened, that "baby" would have been 8 years old by now. But instead of getting pregnant I was a different sort of caretaker, and then I was grieving, and then searching for the right person all over again. The people I went to high school with are having "last" babies. The people I went to college with are pregnant with "thirds." The people my age who don't want kids are finally getting to the point where others have stopped asking them when they will have kids. And then there's me... I'm 35, so my first pregnancy will be a "geriatric" pregnancy (And no, I'm not being melodramatic, that's what they call pregnancies in women over 35.) And I want 2 children! I would be legit excited about having twins mainly because it's two babies, but the timeline of one. There's no getting around this one. I married younger men, I look young, I'm young at heart, but my age is still the number of years I've lived on this planet, and it's not going down. Maybe if we didn't live in the Midwest, it wouldn't feel as off. Maybe if I hadn't been ready to have kids for nearly 10 years now, it wouldn't be as frustrating. But this is where I am.

I keep coming up with ideas of when it would be a good time to announce or surprise people that then pass. Valentine's day, Easter, when my parents visited in August, my niece's birthday, Halloween.... Maybe no one cares, outside of my immediate family. That's fine, but I suspect there has been some speculating. I haven't gotten a lot of pointed questions. I think everyone gets afraid to ask because they want to respect privacy and it's no longer something that's "expected" of a married couple. But sometimes I wish people would just talk about stuff in the open. I can't get upset about how anyone else wants to handle their personal stuff, but I would far prefer to be transparent. We don't know much at the moment. I appear to be healthy, though obviously shedding some pounds would help. I haven't (yet) been diagnosed with anything like PCOS that would make it more difficult. If I weren't 35 we wouldn't even quite be at the place to talk to a doctor, but again the clock it ticks and I must obey, so I have at least one appt in the next few months to address this and find out if there is something wrong. Maybe there is nothing wrong. Maybe there is a lot wrong. Either way, I don't want to wait until I've got a success story before I'm willing to talk about it.

25-year-old me has told 35-year-old me several times that thinking about it and stressing about it isn't going to help anything. To just relax and be patient. But 35 year old me is too aware of the mortality of loved ones, the passing of time and how fleeting everything is.

There is a really great Adam Ruins Everything episode that Kara shared with me that helped. I know it's not as rosy of a picture as Adam wants to paint, but it does help to see a different side of the doom and gloom train I've been riding on ever since I graduated college.

So I guess what I want to say is if you are the praying sort, pray for me. If you are the good vibes sort, send those my way, too. If you know some secret pregnancy elixir I should take... well that sounds sketch as all get-out so I probably won't take it but at least tell me about it so that I can laugh with my friends later. If you don't care, I don't know why you've read this far. 😋 I haven't given up, and there is still time, but if I didn't *start* talking about it instead of hiding from it, at some point, it was going to drive me crazy,

*I mean, I guess it's possible that I am and I don't know yet, but it seems unlikely.

How *NOT* to Deal with Rejection

So, last night, I had a dream that Jason decided his best life plan was to become some sort of bank/business robber, just like his "Great-Aunt Sally" from the 20's-- (who is completely fictional, btw)- only he was going to do it right this time instead of botching it up and living most of his life in jail like she did. Without my knowledge, he had pulled off two heists but then "the fuzz" was on to him, so he left and we broke up because he didn't want me to have to live that kind of life.

Then, when I woke up and checked my e-mail and there was a rejection notice for one of the few pieces I had out.

And I have a sore throat and a cold sore.

And everyday that I wake up without a call from an employer wanting to interview me hits a little bit harder and we are mid-way through my 3rd month sans job, so it's hitting pretty hard, these days.

So basically I've been feeling pretty rejected today. I mean, granted, Jason didn't actually break up with me to start a life of crime, but it is hard to not start feeling really dejected by all this rejection.

I'd like to write a post called "How to Deal with Rejection," but I don't know that I have a lot of handy tips. I know some things you shouldn't do... mainly because I do them. So here's a list of how *NOT* to deal with rejection.

1) Remember every previous rejection you've ever had. From the cute boys who never paid much attention to me, to not getting accepted to Missouri State Fine Arts Academy, to not getting certain scholarships that I interviewed for, to never getting any part that I really wanted in a play. I shouldn't remember them all and play back in my heart all the disappointment I've felt from reaching for something I really want and being told no.

2) Use absolute words like "always" and "never." Talking about how I'm always disappointed, is never a good idea, because it removes the possibility that there have been any gray areas or bright spots and it sounds like nothing has ever worked out, when, in actuality, I live a pretty happy life.

3) Take it personally. I've been a drama teacher, I've been on the panel for a literary journal, I've been on the other side of the hiring committee. Choices are never personal, they are based on talent level and chemistry and mood and balance and a hundred other things that aren't personal, but it still feels so personal, every time.

4) Avoid future rejection. This is my worst one. For a time in my life I tried to just stop wanting anything.  If I didn't care, then I couldn't be hurt. Which is technically true, but a terrible way to live life. I've gotten a little better about this, but I still am very emotionally reserved about practically everything. It's so hard for me to let go and loosen up, but I don't know how you can pretend that you don't want a job... being able to live is kinda important. I've wondered a few times if it was possible to get someone else to send my stuff out so that I would only hear if I got accepted, not if I was rejected, but that seems sort of a cheaty way to go about it.

5) Let your light go out. I just... I don't expect my life to be a movie or perfectly smooth. I don't expect to be a huge star who is known all over the world. But I would like to be known. I would like to make some sort of impact. I would like to actually make a living. I would really like to shine.

Quilt Block Woes

*sigh*

So, I have this great idea for a quilt. 

I have made quilts before, but just little ones for babies. This one is gonna be a big quilt. King-sized.

I figured out how to do it with as little money as possible, considering the unemployment situation.

I planned out how to make it on quilt software to make sure it looked good and to make sure that I liked it, and to lessen the math I had to do.

I figured out how to print the piecing lists, so I have a total list of every block I'm making.

I prewashed my fabric, which I never do, just to be sure.

Picture and discussion about prewashing found on this blog.

I checked and rechecked all my final measurements, to make sure it will be what I want it to be.

 and finally I was ready to cut the fabric.

I used my rotary cutter for precision cuts, and measured very carefully.

Then it was time to sew. I pinned everything and sewed at a slow to medium pace.

 I checked all my seams, and they are all 1/4 inch.

And yet, and yet! Despite it all, my 1st block is 1/2 inch shorter on one side than it should be.

Nooooooooooooo!

What. the. what. Fabric is so frustrating sometimes.

But it is pretty, dontcha think?

I'm not going to fix it yet.. I'm going to wait for some of the other blocks to come out too short and then just add an extra book to make it work right.

Highs and Lows and Bacon Mac and Cheese

It's such an up-and-down existence.

I got a message about a job recently that I think sounds really great for me. I don't want to say much about it, so I don't jinx anything and I'm trying to keep my expectations for gainful employment low, but it got me feeling all hopeful and excited for the future. I was feeling really good on Tuesday.

Then today, I got an e-mail for a government job I applied for: "You were within the Best Qualified, Highly Qualified or Qualified Category, however your application was not reviewed or referred for employment consideration."

I mean, I'm happy that they actually sent an e-mail so that I have a clue, but... that's not exactly helpful. "You were totally qualified, but we just weren't that interested." Bah!!

But ok, this is a job that gives preference to vets, and (especially considering the perspective I have gained since dating a vet) I'm really glad that vets are getting jobs. So that's the perspective I'm adopting. A ton of vets who are highly qualified applied and there was only one job. But I need a job, too. And I mean, I know I'm not a war vet, but shouldn't there be a job where I can get preferential hiring as a widow? Do they give preferential treatment to widows of men killed in action? Cause they should. Even more than me, "war widows" should get preferential treatment. Ok, new perspective. A widow did get the government job. Just not *this* widow.

Also, I would like to share with you an important discovery I have made this week.

It looks like this:

Now before you get all judge-y on me, hear me out.

Normally the gross thing about frozen meals is the meat which can be a bit sketch. But this is Jimmy Dean. They are meat people. If the meat in their meal/bowl/thingie is gross they are shooting themselves in the foot, right?

That's what I figured when I bought it at the store, and then I was brave enough to try it, and you know what? I thought it was great. The noodles and the bacon and the cheese sauce have all been cooked separately and frozen and then added to the bowl because someone somewhere figured out the best way to freeze things and the right size to cut everything so that it all tastes like food on the other side of the microwave. It wasn't quite as good as Panera, but honestly? It was pretty darn close.

It's not great on the sodium and saturated fat levels, but when has mac and cheese ever been? And in total it's 440 calories-- again, not bad when Applebees is all excited because they have lunches under 600 calories.

So you know, on a day when you kinda want some comfort food because the government likes you enough to take your tax dollars, but not enough to give you a job, it's not a bad call.

(I promise, Mister Jimmy Dean did not pay me for this endorsement... but if he wants to hire me, I'll tell Jimmy, "Abso-flippin-lutely.")

What Have I Been Up To?

There is a lot of time between applying for jobs and looking for jobs. I apply to at least one job per day, and I spend many hours looking for jobs to apply for, but you can't fill all of your time looking for a job because that will drive you insane. So what do I do in the mean time?

Read:

I went to the library and picked up five books the other day and not a single one of them was assigned to me. It's been a while since I could read something without feeling bad that I wasn't reading something for school or something more "literary." But the simple truth is that I like my Mercedes Lackey and "non-literary" fiction just as much, if not more than the other stuff... There is nothing wrong with liking a book because it makes you feel good and fufilled, rather than sad and depressed. Especially when your life is stressing you out already.

Craft: 

It's been just as long, I think, since I haven't felt like I had to squeeze my craft/art stuff in during whatever time I could find. I got this gorgeous sconce from a yard sale for three dollars and then took it from a shiny kinda tacky gold to this pretty aqua blue that acknowledges the possibility of tacky but embraces all the over-the-top scrolls and flourishes. And, thanks to my mom and e-bay, I've got some matching sconces coming to me. I can't wait to paint them, too! And to contrast all that bright color, I've started designing and blocking out a quilt that I've wanted to make for a while now. It's going to be all in greys, blacks, whites, creams, ect. I know, it sounds bland, but trust me. It will look good. I went to JoAnns to get some good deals on some quarter-yards, and I got many compliments. Neutrals don't have to be boring, and there is a ton of patterns and textures in it. I paid attention in my art classes. I know how to work this! I think it's going to look awesome. I'm pretty sure there will be more blogs about that in the future.
I did a lot of exploring quilt software, while trying to design this quilt. I know I'm not the first person to have ever made one because I got the idea from pinterest, but it is simple enough that I wanted to design it on my own and complicated enough that I wanted some computer help. It's ridiculous to me if we don't use these beautiful machines to help us do the tedious math. I am currently on a trial of some software (generally agreed to be the 2nd best, as far as I've seen), it's pretty badly designed on the user end, but seems to work adequately on the back end. I'm still curious about what the "best" quilting software would be like, but I don't have the money to spend on it now, and they don't have a trial option. I've also been watching you-tube videos in order to learn how to applique, because I am my mother's daughter, and while elaborate cross-stitching work isn't really my style, appliqueing a quilt block seems like something I might enjoy. And I love to have something to do while watching tv or at art nights that my friends host. Some people Zen Tangle. Maybe I'll quilt. Who knows.

Watch:
I admit it. I watch weird things these days. For some reason I got into watching these guys play Minecraft on YouTube. I can't really explain why it's enjoyable to me, but it is. Part of it is that they are British and what American doesn't love to listen to a British accent? Part of it is they start out just playing Minecraft and then somehow the series morphs into this weird half scripted/ half improvised action adventure acted out by Minecraft characters. Then after I "finished" their first series (Warning: it doesn't end, they just sorta stop) I went on to a different series, and then another and then another. But sometimes it's absolutely hilarious and the rest of the time it's good for background stuff while I'm cleaning or doing mundane crafting or whatever. I've found that I really like this kinda stuff for that. I've also been watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I know. You don't have to tell me that this is not great television. But again. It's funny and it's good for background. Let me tell you. I love Doctor Who, but The Doctor deserves my full attention. On the other hand, some guys playing a computer game or some housewives who lead ridiculous lives, can just keep me company in the background and maybe make me feel like I'm not such a terrible person in the mean time.

Play:
This has trickled off the longer I go without finding a job. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I need to feel like I've accomplished something more "real" and tangible, when I don't have a job, but I've been working my way through Final Fantasy XII. First off, let me say: They need to put some flipping pants on Fran, the bunny girl. I don't need to see that every time I'm leading the girl party.. But other than that, I was enjoying my first foray into the world of Final Fantasy. I'm sure I'm not done with it. When I'm feeling less job conscious or tired of all the hobbies I've picked back up, I'm sure I'll return to it. I don't know why it took me so long to play one, but it's fun... and it's free, which is good.

What I Haven't Been Doing:
Calling my friends: Is it stress? Partly. I think I'm letting my insecurity with the job translate over into other areas of my life as well, so I've not been reaching out nearly as much as I should. Which is dumb, cause I have great friends, and I have "all this time." But it's like the abundance of time is almost paralyzing in it's own way. I've completely reverted back to my night owl ways, and I look around and see how busy everyone else is, and here I am just sorta drifting... I never understood why someone who was in a lot of money trouble wouldn't want to open their bills-- I always thought, "But not opening them doesn't change their content." But now I'm starting to understand better. It's hard to be confronted with what you know is your own failure... and seeing people who know me seems to somehow underline my job-less-ness in my own mind.

Working out: I started working out this summer during the busiest time I had in school... and I managed 3 times a week for a month or so... and now it's dropped off significantly. I haven't given it up completely. The other night I did 6 sets of 9 (girl) pushups, which is pretty good, considering I started at 5 sets of 5 and could barely do it. So I've upped it to a little more than double. But you'd think I'd do it every day with all my free time. Nope. Not so much.




Ok guys, I'm ready to work again. Introspection and free time are overrated.

Creature of Habit (aka why a career is like a boyfriend, apparently)

What? Renée has written a blog post!?! That's something that doesn't happen every day... ok, well, it doesn't any more.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things, though... because, I mean, really, what else do I have going on?

So quick and dirty life update: I'm still dating Jason (he's wonderful, but would deny that if you asked him), I graduated with my Masters on Aug 1st, and (though I have been applying a lot) I've not heard back from anyone.

It's hard. I mean obviously, I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know it's all in who you know and getting the right notice at the right time and something will come along and it will be great and ect. ect. ect. But it's hard to be here. I keep saying-- this time off would be a whole lot easier to enjoy if I knew when it was going to end. If I was on an actual vacation rather than unemployed. Even the word, "unemployed" feels terrible. It makes me feel like a loser and a drain on society. If it were a choice I were making, it would be different. If I could claim a different title. If I was a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom," not having a job would be lovely and I could work and make my Etsy things and get better at quilting and paint hoodies to my heart's content (or at least I think that from this side of the fence!) I don't judge someone else for being unemployed, but boy howdy am I judging myself. It feels scummy.

It's not like I'm only looking for writing/tech writing jobs. I'm looking for administrative assistant style jobs, too. I did that for 4 years for the church and while I'd rather be doing something more project-orientated, I certainly didn't mind being an administrator and I was pretty good at it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!

Could I get a part-time job? I mean, I do have the Pixelscopic stuff when they need me and, yeah, I probably could get something in retail or food service, and if this stretches out too long I might have to, but I have some money in savings and while I don't want to blow through that either, I also don't want to take a stop-gap part time thing that stresses me out with learning a new job and slows down my ability to look for a full-time "real" job that can actually support me. Cause that's the thing. In the long run, I need something that can support me.

It's so frustrating. I mean I'm a good employee. I really think that I am, and as far as I know every supervisor I've had would say the same. I'm calm and I work well with others and I have a good work ethic and I'm personable and I learn what I need to do quickly and I do my job well. But it's not like I can just write on my resume: "You are a fool if you don't call this girl in for an interview." Cause that's very bombastic, for one, and perhaps not the greatest first impression. Should I start mailing HR departments cookies? I probably should. Sugar cookies that say, "Hire Renée, today!"

I'm not great at selling myself. I don't think in terms of numbers or scope of projects or talents. I try to be so great that other people will sell me, or somehow my previous work will sell me. I make the cookies. You tell me if they are good enough. When I have to tell you if they are good enough I want to undersell. Because maybe you don't like nuts, or maybe chocolate or cinnamon isn't your thing, or maybe (God forbid!) you like raisins in your oatmeal cookies. If I have to tell you that I'm going to blow you away then I probably won't. I will have probably raised your expectations far beyond my ability to exceed them. Or at least that's how my mind works. But I know that you can't do that on a resume, so I have done the best I can to avoid that... and yet I've still to receive any calls.

Today my phone rang and I got excited. And then I saw it was a number from Florida, but I went ahead and answered, cause you never know. "Hello?"

... "Hola!" followed by a long string of Spanish that I could not begin to keep up with.

*sigh* *End Call*

I mean... good gravy, hire me for a two-week trial period and if you don't think I do a good job, let me go. I'm pretty confident that you wouldn't, but if you've been burned by employees before, I get it. Call my references, please! Call them all. I'm not sure the Mt. Vernon principal from 2008 will have a strong recollection of me, but that's fine, you can go for it. I can put you in touch with a few of my former students, if that would help.

I sound desperate. I'm not... at least not yet. But I am serious. It's legitimately as demoralizing as trying to start dating again, only this time I can't wait for two years for the right one to come along. Oh gosh... yeah. I've just read back over this thing and it really is like dating. I even hear the same things. "Just be patient." "The right one will come along." "Stay positive, don't beat yourself up." "Try and focus on other things, too." I could literally reskin this blog and make it about boys, and it would be my blogs from like 2012.

Ha! Can't you imagine it? Here's paragraph 5 from above: "It's not like I'm only looking for brunettes. I'm into gingers, too. I never had a crush on a red head and while I'm naturally drawn to brunettes, I certainly know and love a lot of people with red hair and even tried it a time or two myself  and I looked pretty good in it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!"

*shakes my head* I guess the more things change the more they don't change even a little bit? I mean this should probably be encouraging, right? Jason certainly turned out to be pretty great, and at least I can apply for a job. You can't really submit a girlfriend application unless you have the money to hire a matchmaker.