Ennui

Yesterday's word was Empress.

So it has come to this.

I'm feeling a vauge sense of ennui.

Not sure if it is all the Shakespeare I've been reading, or the very dense material for Form and Theory that my mind, even at this very moment, is wishing to disgorge in a riotous mass of mucas-y word vomit because it simply can't digest it.  Or just the fact that I don't see near as much of my friends as I've been wont to during the summer.

Or maybe it's because my face feels subtly hot and my throat as a far-away sort of tickle in the back.

Nothing is wrong.

I still love my GA-ship and I'm still excited about classes. I still have amazing friends and I still have a very good life.

My nails are pink and sparkly.

I mean really there is very little not to love.

But here I sit, all melancholy-y.

I think that bed might be the best solution, but then I wonder why? What will I do with my morning that I can't do now?

The answer, of course, is nothing. But maybe I'll try anyway. Then you at least won't have to read a lengthy discourse on my mental state.

I can save you that much.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

I'm craving a love story.

But at the moment I can't even see the inkling of one in my personal life.

So I'm filling the gap by writing one... and reading one.... and watching movies about them... and television shows with them...

It takes a lot of flim-flammery to act as a stand in for an actual love.

It's strange.

I'm not desperate. I'm actually pretty content/happy.

But there is definitely a part of me that just isn't ok with the way things are.

It's a strange juxtaposition to hold inside of one's body.

Someday things will all fall into place and it will be like all those quotes on pinterest that say everything will make sense as to why it didn't fall into place earlier.

At least I hope so, cause I imagine I'll be a little irritated if we are both like, "Yeah, I don't have a clue why this didn't happen before."

Perhaps somewhere at this very moment God is rubbing His hands together gleefully as He orchestrates our lives to collide.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the devilishly handsome man pondered the exact thoughts only more manly-ly and with all the skills his vast brain and acerbic wit could muster. But, not being one to overly dwell on circumstances he cannot change, he laid his boy-ishly charming head down and went to sleep.

Just a taste and nothing more.

I'm really close to my grandparents on my mom's side. I mean I love all my grandparents, but Pappy and Grandma Carney (aka Grandma) are the ones I'm closest to. There are several reasons for this, but the largest is they moved to MO when I was 5, lived with us a year and then moved to Memphis so Rhonda and I stayed with them all the time growing up. Especially during the summer for me, because of all my plays. 

Pappy turns 80 pretty soon and I'm going home to see him/the family and I'm very excited.

But that's not why I write this post. I'm writing it because I'm sad and a little scared. Grandma's eyesight has gone downhill really badly. She basically can't see anymore, so Pappy's been taking care of her. But here recently he's not been doing very well either. He had heart surgery a few years ago. Which is scary/hard enough, but recently he's hurt his back and he keeps re-injuring it. And I'm scared every time I hear something new.... or something old that's flared up again. I'm all too aware that people you love can die... And that is really hard, still... I'm scared to death of mortality... and now I'm really afraid that something is going to happen to Pappy and I'm going to have to deal with it alone. This might be my number one fear at the moment. How am I supposed to deal with this heartbreaking thing without Nathan? Without someone. Someone to be there with me- to hold me and let me cry and tell me he loves me? Without someone to drive the 5 hours so I don't have to do it on my own.

OK, maybe I can do it on my own... but I don't want to... I really don't want to.

And how selfish does that sound?

but I loved that partnership... I loved taking care of someone and having them take care of me, and not having to keep score and make sure that everything is even at all times lest someone get the wrong idea.

and I'm still so afraid that I've had all that I will of it.

Just enough to know how wonderful it can be.

Just enough to miss it desperately.

Just a taste and nothing more.

Birds on a Wire

Packing in the office tonight-- Gleefully getting rid of a lot of things that I wasn't comfortable getting rid of before... (Teaching manuals and the like)

And it only took me a year, but getting rid of all of Nathan's Masters class notes and research and papers that are all just mumbo jumbo to me.

Lots of paper to get rid of, but lots of progress made, too.

But tearing up because I unearthed our two favorite wedding photos that I took down and sorta hid because I couldn't look at them. No actual tears shed... yet, anyway. I am missing him like crazy today, though.

I was alone a lot today. I even went to Starbucks just to be less alone. I don't know why but it's harder on a Sunday... maybe because Sunday is the day you are supposed to be hunkering down and getting ready for the week.... which means it's the day that you are supposed to be spending with family.

Oh by the way I think my nails are kinda awesome right now.

Check it, yo.

 

They make nail polish that is called "striping" polish.. I basically turned my nails into mini-canvases and painted with the striping brush.

I'm only showing you the left hand because I'm right handed so these look better. I think I'm so freaking cool.

And yes, I do have too much time on my hands.