Thoughts on 30

It's been a long time, I know. I haven't blogged recently cause all I would blog about is how busy I am and that seems like it would get really old really fast.... but I'm going to blog about how busy I am tonight. :) I'm still working as a grad assistant at Missouri State. That, plus actual classes, plus Pixelscopic, plus preaching at church, plus sometimes singing on the worship team, plus maintaining a healthy relationship with a person you don't live with (I'd forgotten how much time that takes!), plus trying to maintain my other friendships, means my writing (blogging, writing, and even my writing group, sadly) have all taken a backseat to surviving.  Don't get me wrong, I love everything I just mentioned, I'm just often overwhelmed.

Take this week for example: I got home Sunday night from my family "4th of July" celebration.  I basically fell asleep as soon as I walked in the door and slept for 5 hours. Then I woke up, ate dinner at 2 in the morning, and went back to sleep. Monday morning I got up at 8 in the morning and worked on a paper that was technically due that evening though I got an extension, and prepped for class, then went in at noon to work, then straight to class and I got back home at around 9 that evening. Monday night I wrote a final (take-home essay) and went to bed around midnight or 1. Tuesday I got up at 9 went into work at 11 (oh and I should mention its a very busy time at work because it's almost a new semester and we got a lot of sudden new documentation that has to be done.) I left at 4:30 went home, met up with Jason and friends and went to Silver Dollar City for the evening, got home at 11:30 or so and crashed. Then on Wednesday I left for work at around 8:45, worked until 5:30-- and I do mean *worked* I think that's the most I've ever done in a single day at work--, came home, proofed and e-mailed my final and started work on my final paper for the same class... I finished it at 5 AM and went to sleep at 6 AM.  Then I woke up at 8:30 got to work at 9:30, worked for 2 hours, grabbed lunch with Jason, took my car to the dealership to get it maintained, went home took somewhere between a 30 min and 1.5 hour nap, while also doing laundry. Got up, showered and packed and packed and packed. Ran to Wal-mart, had dinner with Jason,  watched a Dr. Who, revised my paper and e-mailed it out, curled my hair, and went to bed at like 1 AM... only to get up the next morning and leave for St. Louis so I could get on a plane to come to Philadelphia. Lots of fun happened in the week, but not enough sleep and a *lot* of work also happened.

And now here I am in Philadelphia!

And I looooooooove that I could come see Kara, because I've missed her so much.

But today is my 30th birthday and I feel old. And not where I wanted to be in my life. I feel like I should have a plan, but beyond some "it would be nice" ideas, I don't have a clue what I want to do after I graduate (probably in May or this time next year)... I feel like I'm about a year farther into my life than I was at this time 10 years ago, which feels pathetic. I don't know how I will make enough money to support myself and I don't know how I will find time to write when it feels like I don't have the time to write now. And I'm worried about my retirement on a practical level (I should have already saved a million dollars by now! I can't get that time back when it comes to investments!)

So my 30th birthday has a very mixed set of feelings in it. It's great to be with Kara, and to relish in just how very *known* I am with her, but I also find myself introspecting, which frankly is always dangerous with me. I think knowing how little I can predict the future makes me want to be very secure financially and have a million back up plans... and I'm not and I don't and that's not likely to change... that is unless someone knows how to make a million dollars painting my own nails, baking cookies for people (for free), crafting, and writing YA books?

So... Thirty... how about you prove me wrong.