Forever and Always

Sometimes you are just sitting around doing a griddler and then you actually listen to the lyrics of a song.

And then *Whammo!* You are crying. And by "you" I mean, "me."

Why are there are so many flippin' songs about the person you love dying?

They sneak up upon me all unawares.... That's actually my version of a line that sticks with me from "The Glass Menagerie" (A play I think is beautiful, but I thoroughly hate.) Tennessee Williams' line was actually "...I was pursued by something that always came upon me unawares taking me all together by surprise." But in my mind it's "sneak up upon me all unawares" and that's how I shall use it.

Anyway, there are a lot of those songs... either that or Pandora has somehow figured out that I both love and hate those sad songs... or that type of song is always written with "mellow rock instrumentation, folk influences, mild rhythmic syncopation, acoustic sonority and major key tonality." (That's what Pandora tells me I like.) Or I'm just way more sensitive/aware of the songs than I ever was before. Or all of the above. I'm not sure what the reason, but the thing is, if I just have music playing in the background and I don't pay attention to it, I learn a song without ever really listening to it... especially if the chorus has lyrics that sound happy.

The most recent thestral song is by Parachute. It's called "Forever and Always."

It's so upbeat sounding.  And the chorus is "I want you forever, forever and always,
through the good and the bad and the ugly. We'll grow old together, forever and always"

Soooo tricksy. I mean that's sweet but it doesn't make me cry... and the beat is relatively uptempo... No clues how very sad this song is...

UNTIL I listen to the verses-- and oy vey.... especially the last few lines.

"She finishes the vows but the beeps are getting too slow
His voice is almost too low
As he says, I love you forever, forever and always
Please just remember even if I'm not there
I'll always love you, forever and always."

I don't know if I should be frustrated that I'm so easily manipulated, happy that songs like this make me feel a little less alone, frustrated that I'm always going to have this huge *thing* in my past that makes me feel so broken sometimes, or happy that I was loved... that I'm still loved, "forever and always."

Someday, sweetheart, someday.

I've noticed that my blog commenting has increased... I find this just thrilling. Keep up the good work! Especially those of you who are taking a break from Facebook (Horrors!) and thus blog comments are my only means of communication with you. Yes, I'm looking at you, Sadie and Rhonda. Seriously... I can't fathom why anyone would choose to take a break from facebook. But maybe that's why, eh? I'm a cautionary tale of the addictiveness of facebook. Don't turn out like me, kiddos. Also, I'm shouting out to Katie and Rebecca who both have been commenting frequently... Who knew that you would get such immediate rewards for commenting and telling me I could talk about you by name, eh?? And of course to Queen Mara... who is a sea of bitterness because I arbitrarily changed her name to "sea of bitterness" and because she still owes me a dollar- Royalties be damned! :) (If that last sentence made no sense to you go and read the comments on my last post.)

Ok, I have something to tell you that is really really exciting for me... and I feel like I need to tell you all, because I just can't keep a secret like this from you all. I'm being given a car! Right now, I have a 2 cars... My Grand Am and Nathan's Jeep. Neither of them are in very good condition or reliable and it doesn't make much sense for a single girl to have two cars.. and to be paying insurance on two cars. So my incredible in-laws decided to give me a car because they want to "take care of me like Nathan would want them to." I know... I told you I'm blessed... None of the car salesmen could believe it. Everyone who heard leaned back and their eyebrows went up in their hairline... and then they heard the whole story and I watched their faces change... and suddenly they started caring more about me, too... It's like by this incredible act of generosity they lost a bit of the salesman facadé and maybe saw a bit more of their customer's humanity... Or maybe they were just good salesmen and it was an act... but I don't think so. The one who helped me said it was about the best story he'd ever heard, Bill and Paula taking care of me like this... So what kind of a car am I getting? Well, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a girl named Renée who was married to a wonderful guy named Nathan. And as was her wont Renée would sometimes dream bigger than she and her husband's wallet actually would allow for. So sometimes she would see commercials for a particular car on TV and say to Nathan, "Nathan, can I have one of those? Can we buy one? I liiiike it!" And Nathan would smile indulgently and say, "Absolutely. Someday when we are 50 or so, I will buy you one." And Renee would fake pout and say, "Not now?" And Nathan would smile and say, "Someday, sweetheart, someday."

I remembered this story as I drove home from the Toyota dealership, after putting down a deposit on my Prius. It was really hard to keep back the tears while heading down National, passing Scholars. Only a few tears escaped... driving and crying aren't very good companions. I had perfect timing, the car salesman said... a day earlier and they probably wouldn't have known that they had the Prius- I got the last one and 2 hours after I wrote the deposit check he told me they already could have sold the car twice, if I'd not gotten it. The Prius isn't here, yet, it's going to be 2-3 weeks before I get it (I'm hoping for less, so that I can take it on my trip home for Easter). But I can't help but feel like it's a last big gift from Nathan. I certainly wouldn't be getting it if it weren't for him. I'm so excited. I'm so loved.

The events of the past few weeks/months make me certain that God is here, watching over me. Making sure I'm supported and loved. I've not been abandoned... He is working, even if not in the way that I would have chosen.

Have you ever listened to Josh Groban's song, To Where You Are? (I know that should actually be in quotes but I hate putting a question mark inside the quotes when it actually isn't part of the thing being quoted.) Anyway, I knew all the words but I never really listened to the song before everything... sometimes thestrals aren't just creepy winged horses.