Touch

This is going to be an odd post for me, of all people, to make, but so be it. It's what I've been thinking about lately.

But let's start at the beginning, shall we?

I went to that documentary on Monday. All by myself. Yes, it made me cry, but I still consider myself an emotional badass for going.

Anyway it was well done, and at one point a mother was talking about when her daughter died and she said, "It was terrible but in some ways it was such a relief, because I knew she wasn't hurting anymore and when you're a parent and your baby is hurting all you want to do is just pick her up and hold her, but she wouldn't let us do that. It hurt her too badly to do that. So when she was gone I could finally hold her the way that I'd been longing to do for months. And that's what I did. I crawled up into bed with her and just held her."

I really identified with that.  I didn't crawl into bed with Nathan after he was gone, but there was a very long time when I couldn't touch him at all. When any physical touch caused him pain, and all I wanted was the peace and reassurance that just holding his hand would bring. And then there was the night when he was actually feeling good enough to let me sit in bed with him and watch a Netflix show. It felt like Christmas to both of us. I was practically high on touch and all we did was sit next to each other.

While I am not a touchy person with the world at large I'm actually pretty affectionate in a relationship, though I still have a low PDA tolerance. But because of this I noticed that whenever I felt bad and Nathan would sit by me or lay down and talk to me or just hold my hand it made me feel better. Measurably better. So much so that I would sometimes make him sit with his hand over my eyes when I had a headache. He was a patient soul. :) But it helped.

And this isn't just a placebo effect. This is why they do kangaroo care for premies-- This is a serious thing. Even the NY Times thinks so. They call it "skin hunger" for widows/widowers. It's sensory depravation, until you get used to not having that support anymore. Because that's exactly what it is. Support. It's physical proof that you aren't alone.

And I've been thinking about all this a lot.... and how it's a lot easier for girls to give physical contact, because guys get labeled as skeezy or "coming on" or whatever, whereas girls who initiate contact are normally just sweet or friendly. So I've been thinking about trying to alter my non-touching stance on life. Not to become a flirt or anything, but because I think I might be doing the world at large a favor. :D Plus... people are afraid to hug me... it's weird and it's awkward for them and I don't like that.

So today I have a friend who got some bummer news. And then some more bad news. And then some more. And no one died or anything but it was just a really crappy day for him-- full of rejection, and I knew about this via fb, and I expected him to skip the class we have together today, because it was such a bad day. But he didn't and he came into class and he was just agitated. This is a guy who doesn't really hold a lot in, so he was doing pretty well just to keep it down to a mutter and the occasional half-serious threat to poke his eye out with his pen said under his breath. And the whole class long all I wanted to do was just grab his wrist and hold it. I know that sounds weird, and this wasn't a romantic interest thing, I just felt like he needed to be touched. But how weird would I be if I actually did that? So I didn't, obviously. But after just having so much empathy for him all class long and wanting him to feel better, when it was over and he stood up, I stood up too and said, "Do you need a hug?"

And he said, "What?" And was shocked/confused for a second before what I said sank in and he said, "Yeah. Yeah, I do."

And so I gave him a good *real* hug as people were gathering up their stuff, and he thanked me several times. But it really wasn't a hardship or a problem. It was easy. Honestly, I don't really feel like it was enough, but at least it was something.

We all need that from time to time. The reminder that we really aren't alone. The reassurance of touch.

Touch-Starved... but not too starved.

I've been reading some books lately on how to stop being shy-- and how to connect with people. Pinterest started me on a quest to break this whole "horrible first impression" thing I've got going on. So I'm reading books and some of the stuff is helpful and some of it seems rather useless, but I did find this mention which I thought to be hilarious.

"Most of us have been hugged by people we loathe and left unhugged by people we love. At this very moment, serial huggers are attacking hug haters, while hug haters are hurting hug cravers by not hugging them.
In short, “to hug or not to hug” has become something of a national dilemma, one that can turn otherwise genial greetings into social disaster. "-  Leil Lowndes

I love it. Being attacked by a serial hugger... I've been there. In fact I often leave people I love unhugged because I don't want serial huggers to start thinking that it's cool for them to just hug me all the time.

There are so many special circumstances that designate whether or not I want to be touched by someone. Because the secret is... It's not that I don't like being touched... I just reserve touching as a very high level of affection. I loved holding hands with Nathan or putting my head on his shoulder or having his arm around me... But that's because he was special. I don't want Joe Schmoe from down the street doing the same thing until he and I are good friends.... and I don't want Josephine Schmoe (his sister) doing it anything like it at all because she's a girl and I don't derive much comfort from her... now my sister is a different story... but even then, we don't touch all that much.

Yes, some of my walls weaken when I know that this person is just touchy, because I know it doesn't mean the same thing to them, and they weaken even further if we develop a good friendship, but the base rules still apply.

Problem is that I'm a bit touch-starved by this point.

I think that girls who flirt with boys by touching are cheating...

But it's possible I might become a flirting cheat.

When Kara and I went to Coldstone the other night the guy offered to make me the oatmeal flavored kind if I would buy 3 pans of it. I said "Thanks, but I don't have the freezer space." I have a deep freeze but who needs 3 pans of ice cream?? Afterwards, Kara said that she thought he was nice... but perhaps that was just because if I dated someone at the ice cream place we'd have a reason to go all the time.

(She had commented on a totally different guy the last time we went to Coldstone, so it's a possibility.)

However, I caught Kara's sidelong glance from the corner of my eye as I laughed at Mr. Coldstone's offer to make me my favorite ice cream, and I realized that this guy might well have been flirting with me. I wasn't really interested so I was just treating him as a normal person... but could he have told that? I don't know. I think I have my wires crossed somewhere... Because when I'm interested in someone I look like I'm not interested. (I get shy and kinda shut down) But if I'm not interested then I laugh at their jokes, and can maintain eye contact and smile.

There have been a few exceptions to this, but it does make sense why nearly all my romantic interests have come from my friend pool.

But I may be getting confident enough to stop this trend... I'm working on it... working on being confident enough that I assume that people want to talk to me and that they aren't going to read subtext into a text... I'm working on treating the people that I'm interested in like the people that I'm friends with...

Of course that might just make the waters muddier for the guys who are wanting me to like them...

But to you I say, 1) Just ask me or 2) Talk to Kara, Melissa, or my sister. (Ha! Yeah, right, like you know Rhonda!) If they don't know they will find out in short order and quite possibly without me ever knowing why they asked.

Sometimes I wonder to myself if I really am as direct as I seem to be on my blog.

and then I think... yeah. Pretty much.