Showing posts with label crushes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crushes. Show all posts

Sunday, April 1, 2012

S-bucks thoughts

Man, driving back today seemed to take forever, even though it just took the "normal" amount of time. I wish there was a Starbucks between home and Springfield. I think I just needed some caffiene. Don't get me wrong, the Simply Lemonade was good, but I got pretty sleepy from 2-3.

I love Disney songs. They aren't afraid to be beautiful and sweeping and cheesy. I feel epic when listening to Disney songs. I feel like my life is epic, even though it's not.

I enjoy people watching at Starbucks... For instance, I wonder if the boy in front of me is as interested in the girl in front of me as she is interested in him.... He's talking quite a bit... but he is also looking out the window a lot and is only half heartedly paying attention to the girl's stories. My story is that these two have a class together and she asked to meet up for him to "explain stuff" (aka have an excuse to hang out with him) and he came to help but he wasn't seeing it as an opportunity to spend time with the girl... but he's kinda flattered, but not interested either. She seems to be playing dumber than she is.

I hate it when girls play dumb to attract a guy.

Seriously? You want a guy who's going to be intimidated by your brains??? What if you two actually get into a relationship? Eventually he's gonna figure out you aren't as dumb as you were playing... or worse you will play dumb for so long that you actually become dumb.

Speaking of becoming dumb, who's totally intimidated by the math part of the GRE? *Raises hand* Its been 8 or 9 years since my last math course... and I was good at it, once upon a time, but I didn't like it and your brain dumps knowledge that you don't use...

Oy vey.

Any bets being placed on if I actually get internet tomorrow when the technician comes to my apartment? Any bets on if he will actually call me 30 min before he's supposed to show up?

Oh the boy might be interested in her after all.... what does it mean when a boy plays with the back of his hair?

Monday, January 2, 2012

Getting out of the 5th grade

Yesterday as I was driving home I passed a bright blue car... a Sentra I think. It had at least three guys in it... possibly 4. I'm not sure how old they were but I'm going to say college age... in part because they turned off at Columbia and in part because it makes me feel good. (My 25 year old cousin told me this weekend that I look 23, so I'm holding on to that.... and never taking up smoking cause I hear that ages you.)

Anyway I passed this car o' guys because I was going (slightly) over the speed limit and they were going slightly under the speed limit. As I passed I glanced over and they all seemed relatively sedate. Then I got into the right lane in front of them and I saw a lot of animated conversation in my rear view window. I don't know if they liked my car, the driver just was looking for someone to pace, or the guy in the back seat suddenly declared his undying devotion for "that girl" and he made the driver stalk me, but I suddenly had driving buddies.

I was somewhere outside of Macon and for the next hour or so the boys followed me down the highway... never passing me but never dropping too far behind  (as normally happens when you pass someone on the highway.) At one point the speed limit randomly changed from 65 to 70, and I responded accordingly and got rather far ahead of them (as I'm guessing they missed the increase.) I thought that would be the end of it, but 5 minutes later they were back in my rear-view window. Whoever I passed, they passed, and if a car ever got between us it didn't last for long. I was enjoying it, mainly because I was making up stories about how one of the boys was madly in love with me.

Then we got to Columbia and they exited (though I choose to believe the reason why they had their turn signal on so much earlier than necessary was to let me know they were exiting, in case I wanted to join them.) After they were already on the exit ramp and couldn't see me, I waved.

And then I thought to myself.- Why did I wait so long to wave? What could it have possibly have hurt to wave before they exited? Or even somewhere during the hour that they tailed me?

What could they have thought if I waved? That I thought they were cute? That I was madly in love with one of them? Would they have made fun of me? Would they have passed me or dropped back?

What would it have mattered? Where is the harm in any of those situations? And yet, it's what I did.

I think it was the 5th grade when I sat next to a boy named Rich** He was a pretty cute kid and just as importantly he liked to talk to me and make me laugh. I wasn't in 5th-grade-love with him, but I did like him. Rich used to number my paper for math quizzes. This didn't seem strange or odd to me... I just thought he was a really nice/funny guy who was fast at numbering.

One day in the cafeteria I sat catty-corner from Dustin, Rich's best friend. Just as it was time to stand up and take our trays to the front, Dustin said to me, "Hey, Renee, you like Rich, don't you?"

I was completely stunned and 5th-grade-horrified. I did- but I could only see one reason for this boy to ask me that question-- to make fun of me if I said yes. How mortifying to let someone know that you liked them and for them to mock you for it! I stammered for a second and then said, "No!"

I caught up with the line, turned in my tray, and then as I passed Dustin in line, I asked, "Why?"

He said, "No reason" and waved me off. I believed I'd figured out the plan and went back to the classroom relieved to have dodged a mocking bullet.

(Yes, I know, my memory is *ridiculous.*)

Looking back it's easy to assume that Rich was in 5th-grade-love with me and had sent his best friend as the human version of "Will you be my girlfriend, check yes or no". I could be wrong, and Dustin could have actually been setting me up to make fun of me. I'll probably never know for sure because I can't imagine how this would come up in conversation with someone I haven't seen in 10 years. But sometimes I wonder if I would have changed the course of my jr. high and high school existence if I'd answered honestly.. if I hadn't been so afraid.

The problem is that a lot of times I'm still looking at the world through my 5th grade glasses. I'm so afraid of being made fun of that I don't take any risks. But when the other side of the coin is that I could make someone's day- What is the problem? That's what I thought driving down the highway, after leaving Columbia. What is so wrong about making someone think I'm interested in them? If I'm not or they aren't they will still probably feel good about it, and if I like them and they feel the same, then they might not be too intimidated to do something about it.

I went to the Aviary last night with friends. We were asked to call our waiter Tiger, by the host, though it wasn't his real name. Tiger was totally cute. I made myself maintain eye contact with him when he came to our table, instead of my usual look up briefly and then bury my glance in the menu. I think he found it disconcerting, but I doubt he was upset by it. One small step.

Then when it was time for the check he said, "How do you want me to split this? The two of you. The two of you... And you're all alo-... uh... right."

Oh God love ya, Tiger. Thank you for pointing out my single status on a holiday. I wanted to be reminded that I'm a widow on New Years. It's a good thing you are so dang cute. At least he tried to save it, right?

Still- if that's the worst that can happen? I think I'll be ok. If I can actually do it. Talk is a lot easier than action.

** All names have been altered to protect 5th grade sensibilities.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

A late post written early.

I'm writing this at 2:15 in the afternoon because I know that I'm going to be a bit busy this evening... I have to pack. However, I have managed to keep my apartment clean(ish) until now, so when I come home I'm actually going to be coming home to a clean apartment... hopefully a mirror won't have fallen off the wall in the meantime. :)

No, really, that happened after a vacation one time. It was no fun. Welcome home to shattered glass!

I've been pinteresting like there is no tomorrow. Found some amazing things like this:


And this:


By the way, if ever I say "this" and then give an illustration that means that the "this" is, in all likelihood, a link. You can't tell on my blog unless you hover over it.. should probably change that. Haven't yet. I think you will notice when I do.

I watched "Leap Year" this evening... Determined that the Irish accent is indeed my favorite of accents... I mean pretty well they are all great over in Great Britain, but the Irish... ach, be still me beatin' 'art.

I think they should make an Irish GPS.

Oh heavens. Can you imagine Darren Criss with an Irish accent? I think God didn't let Darren grow up in Ireland on purpose so that I wouldn't just lose consciousness every time his name was mentioned.

Also I've determined that you can't go wrong with the name Declan. I've liked every Declan character I've run into... I've never run into an actual Declan but I imagine that I would like him too.  

OK I should go. I'll talk to you upon the morrow. Until then, I bid you adieu.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Touch-Starved... but not too starved.


I've been reading some books lately on how to stop being shy-- and how to connect with people. Pinterest started me on a quest to break this whole "horrible first impression" thing I've got going on. So I'm reading books and some of the stuff is helpful and some of it seems rather useless, but I did find this mention which I thought to be hilarious.
"Most of us have been hugged by people we loathe and left unhugged by people we love. At this very moment, serial huggers are attacking hug haters, while hug haters are hurting hug cravers by not hugging them.
In short, “to hug or not to hug” has become something of a national dilemma, one that can turn otherwise genial greetings into social disaster. "-  Leil Lowndes
I love it. Being attacked by a serial hugger... I've been there. In fact I often leave people I love unhugged because I don't want serial huggers to start thinking that it's cool for them to just hug me all the time.

There are so many special circumstances that designate whether or not I want to be touched by someone. Because the secret is... It's not that I don't like being touched... I just reserve touching as a very high level of affection. I loved holding hands with Nathan or putting my head on his shoulder or having his arm around me... But that's because he was special. I don't want Joe Schmoe from down the street doing the same thing until he and I are good friends.... and I don't want Josephine Schmoe (his sister) doing it anything like it at all because she's a girl and I don't derive much comfort from her... now my sister is a different story... but even then, we don't touch all that much.

Yes, some of my walls weaken when I know that this person is just touchy, because I know it doesn't mean the same thing to them, and they weaken even further if we develop a good friendship, but the base rules still apply.

Problem is that I'm a bit touch-starved by this point.

I think that girls who flirt with boys by touching are cheating...

But it's possible I might become a flirting cheat.

When Kara and I went to Coldstone the other night the guy offered to make me the oatmeal flavored kind if I would buy 3 pans of it. I said "Thanks, but I don't have the freezer space." I have a deep freeze but who needs 3 pans of ice cream?? Afterwards, Kara said that she thought he was nice... but perhaps that was just because if I dated someone at the ice cream place we'd have a reason to go all the time.

(She had commented on a totally different guy the last time we went to Coldstone, so it's a possibility.)

However, I caught Kara's sidelong glance from the corner of my eye as I laughed at Mr. Coldstone's offer to make me my favorite ice cream, and I realized that this guy might well have been flirting with me. I wasn't really interested so I was just treating him as a normal person... but could he have told that? I don't know. I think I have my wires crossed somewhere... Because when I'm interested in someone I look like I'm not interested. (I get shy and kinda shut down) But if I'm not interested then I laugh at their jokes, and can maintain eye contact and smile.

There have been a few exceptions to this, but it does make sense why nearly all my romantic interests have come from my friend pool.

But I may be getting confident enough to stop this trend... I'm working on it... working on being confident enough that I assume that people want to talk to me and that they aren't going to read subtext into a text... I'm working on treating the people that I'm interested in like the people that I'm friends with...

Of course that might just make the waters muddier for the guys who are wanting me to like them...

But to you I say, 1) Just ask me or 2) Talk to Kara, Melissa, or my sister. (Ha! Yeah, right, like you know Rhonda!) If they don't know they will find out in short order and quite possibly without me ever knowing why they asked.

Sometimes I wonder to myself if I really am as direct as I seem to be on my blog.

and then I think... yeah. Pretty much.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Senior-itis

Today I finally got to wear my birthday boots and my long sleeved jackety-shrug thing. It was fabulously exciting... it might have been a bit early for the boots, but I had to wear them! I've been waiting for a month!!

I've told you I like to smell like fall, haven't I? Well, I have a confession to make... that I may have already made but I'm going to re-confess, if so. I like to smell like fall... I like to smell like fall so much that I use a home fragrance oil made by Bath & Body Works as perfume. I'm not even kidding. I know this is totally odd. It's called "Leaves" -though I would contend that it doesn't smell like leaves.. or at least not just like leaves. It smells sooooo good. So, if you are around me and you think, "My, I smell pumpkins and firepits and cinnamon and fall. What could that be?" 

It's me.

Plus I read somewhere that men find pumpkin pie smell attractive... so that kills two birds with a single stone. Attractive to them and comforting to me. No joke. Pumpkin pie. Check it yo.

You know what's weird? Seeing someone you used to have a crush on. I had this experience a while back. I had a crush on this guy a long time ago... and then I ran into him and it was surreal. Let me just say, that when I crush I'm all in. I turn all of my impressive arsenal of detail noticing to 11 and I focus. I focus like it's going out of style. Then eventually the crush wanes and I move on... but not before I have committed every gesture, every facial expression, every mannerism to memory. Which is fine if you never see them again... but if you ever have a conversation with the guy, let me tell you it is weird, because all the things you'd forgotten that you once noticed, you now see and, boy howdy, is it distracting. You suddenly feel like you are in an episode of the Twilight zone, and you can't even carry on a decent conversation for the level of meta your brain is undergoing.

I missed the 29th. Last month for the first time, I missed the 29th. It was a day that came and went without my noticing... It might have been because the week before was so hellish, or it might have been that I was distracted, but I missed it... and I don't feel bad... It's not like I don't miss Nathan, or think of him every day... but I don't want to have dark days. I don't want to have days where I feel obligated to be stuck in sadness. I missed the 29th and honestly when I realized it, it was a bit of a relief.

People are starting to forget, I've noticed. People are starting to forget that their lives have been touched by death... I mean sure, the people on the fringe have been forgetting for a while, but friends are starting to forget. Young people joke about dying because it's so foreign a concept- something that only happens to the elderly. And we are starting to slip back into that mode... I don't mind it, except that in some ways it makes it all feel like a dream. I could barely believe sometimes when Nathan was alive that he'd chosen me... and now without him here as proof... it's so much easier to feel like it was a dream.  So much of me and who I am was invested in Nathan... so much of my life and my time was invested in him, and sometimes it makes me scared of wanting to invest in other people. If I put all my time investment in one basket what will happen if it doesn't work out, or if we stop being friends or heaven forbid, someone else dies... I just realized I've got senior-itis (what high school seniors get during spring semester)... only it's about the life version... and I'm only a freshman.

Friday, August 20, 2010

All the Songs About September Are So Melancholy!

So between getting nostalgic for the Scholars days earlier this week,  move-in weekend, and baking about 16.5 dozen cookies (some of which I will keep for us but most of them going to the New Student Festival on Sunday) I've been thinking about college a lot. I really loved college. It's where I met my best friends/ husband, where I learned to trust people outside of my family with the "real" me, and got a better idea of who the "real" me actually is... oh yeah and I got a degree I don't use. But that's ok... it was worth it anyway. There were some rough times, but I don't really remember them that well...mainly I just remember staying up late and a lot of laughter and cookie baking.  Oh and flirting... we were young and mainly single after all.

How did you guys "crush" on people? I think I was weird in this respect. Basically what I did throughout high school is that I would pine away for one guy for a whole year. Then over the summer I would get over him and then when I went back to school I would like someone else and moon over him for a year. I never wanted the guy to know (how embarrassing!) and I always tried to seem as though I wasn't affected by any of that silly stuff. This led to three things: 1) not having a boyfriend in HS, 2) being the good friend (aka the one people went to to talk about their relationship woes... ironic considering I had never been in a relationship), and 3) not having a CLUE how to flirt or recognize flirting when it was directed at me. This "pretending-to-be-above-it-while-secretly-crushing-on-someone" thing continued into college, until I discovered a couple of things. 1) The whole unattainable love thing is *miserable.* 2) If I actually knew that the guy wasn't interested then I was no longer interested. The thing is I had to be sure that he wasn't interested, and just telling myself, "he isn't interested" didn't work cause I've always been a hopeless romantic and heroines in many a Jane Austen book tell themselves a man is not interested when the reader knows he actually is. So since life is so very similar to Jane Austen books, normally, I came up with a really weird system. I would develop a crush on a guy. I would get to be better friends and pay attention when he was around for several months and see if I was still interested. I would do all the fun squealing and over-analyzing every sentence with my girlfriends. And then when it started to get to the part where it's not fun anymore- you know, when it's just angsty and melancholy -here's the crazy part- I'd tell him. It sounds crazy but if you will note the 3rd result from high school you will see that I didn't have a clue how to flirt or to tell if someone is flirting back or just being a genuinely nice guy. (And *goodness*  knows I only ever fell for the really nice ones!) So what was a girl to do? The thing is I'm totally shy so I'd never have the guts to tell him to his face, so normally this came in the form of an e-mail or letter. Not IM because that's kinda a big thing to broadside someone with and then expect them to have some sort of immediate response (I reasoned to myself.) Plus, I think the suspense might have been something I enjoyed... the last few hours/days of hope while waiting for a response... who knows.  Kara was always very much against me telling the guy each time I would discuss it with her... she felt I was not guarding my heart by telling the guy.. that I wasn't making him fight for me. And that's true and good advice that followed the words of the Christian relationship counselors of the day- I read Elisabeth Elliot, too! But I did not take this advice. I'm kinda a one guy girl, so when I would find out for sure that the guy wasn't interested in me... well I'd mope about for about a week and then I'd be ok and start noticing other guys. It honestly got to a point where I would say something to the effect of "I'm pretty sure you aren't interested, but I have to tell you that I like you so I can get over you."  I probably sounded a little desperate and like a big whopper, but it really was the truth! Ok, granted, I only did this with 3 or 4 guys that I can recall, and my real relationship did not start because I told Nathan I had a crush on him... but honestly it was really effective for me and I wasn't wasting my time being all star eyed over someone who had no interest in me... plus I never have to worry about might have beens.  I do feel a bit sorry for the guys, cause most of them were totally scared off by this approach. If they could handle it, though, I was fine being around them and didn't "relapse" (though the poor things were probably terrified and over-analyzing their own every move this time around.) What can I say? When it comes to relationships, I've always been a bit intense.

You know... you think you know where a blog post is gonna go and then it just takes a left turn at Albuquerque and suddenly you find yourself rambling on about how you handled crushes in the far distant past.... You know, like 5 years ago. I think this is the problem with titling blogs before you write them. Perhaps something to try to remember for the future....
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