What Have I Been Up To?

There is a lot of time between applying for jobs and looking for jobs. I apply to at least one job per day, and I spend many hours looking for jobs to apply for, but you can't fill all of your time looking for a job because that will drive you insane. So what do I do in the mean time?

Read:

I went to the library and picked up five books the other day and not a single one of them was assigned to me. It's been a while since I could read something without feeling bad that I wasn't reading something for school or something more "literary." But the simple truth is that I like my Mercedes Lackey and "non-literary" fiction just as much, if not more than the other stuff... There is nothing wrong with liking a book because it makes you feel good and fufilled, rather than sad and depressed. Especially when your life is stressing you out already.

Craft: 

It's been just as long, I think, since I haven't felt like I had to squeeze my craft/art stuff in during whatever time I could find. I got this gorgeous sconce from a yard sale for three dollars and then took it from a shiny kinda tacky gold to this pretty aqua blue that acknowledges the possibility of tacky but embraces all the over-the-top scrolls and flourishes. And, thanks to my mom and e-bay, I've got some matching sconces coming to me. I can't wait to paint them, too! And to contrast all that bright color, I've started designing and blocking out a quilt that I've wanted to make for a while now. It's going to be all in greys, blacks, whites, creams, ect. I know, it sounds bland, but trust me. It will look good. I went to JoAnns to get some good deals on some quarter-yards, and I got many compliments. Neutrals don't have to be boring, and there is a ton of patterns and textures in it. I paid attention in my art classes. I know how to work this! I think it's going to look awesome. I'm pretty sure there will be more blogs about that in the future.
I did a lot of exploring quilt software, while trying to design this quilt. I know I'm not the first person to have ever made one because I got the idea from pinterest, but it is simple enough that I wanted to design it on my own and complicated enough that I wanted some computer help. It's ridiculous to me if we don't use these beautiful machines to help us do the tedious math. I am currently on a trial of some software (generally agreed to be the 2nd best, as far as I've seen), it's pretty badly designed on the user end, but seems to work adequately on the back end. I'm still curious about what the "best" quilting software would be like, but I don't have the money to spend on it now, and they don't have a trial option. I've also been watching you-tube videos in order to learn how to applique, because I am my mother's daughter, and while elaborate cross-stitching work isn't really my style, appliqueing a quilt block seems like something I might enjoy. And I love to have something to do while watching tv or at art nights that my friends host. Some people Zen Tangle. Maybe I'll quilt. Who knows.

Watch:
I admit it. I watch weird things these days. For some reason I got into watching these guys play Minecraft on YouTube. I can't really explain why it's enjoyable to me, but it is. Part of it is that they are British and what American doesn't love to listen to a British accent? Part of it is they start out just playing Minecraft and then somehow the series morphs into this weird half scripted/ half improvised action adventure acted out by Minecraft characters. Then after I "finished" their first series (Warning: it doesn't end, they just sorta stop) I went on to a different series, and then another and then another. But sometimes it's absolutely hilarious and the rest of the time it's good for background stuff while I'm cleaning or doing mundane crafting or whatever. I've found that I really like this kinda stuff for that. I've also been watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I know. You don't have to tell me that this is not great television. But again. It's funny and it's good for background. Let me tell you. I love Doctor Who, but The Doctor deserves my full attention. On the other hand, some guys playing a computer game or some housewives who lead ridiculous lives, can just keep me company in the background and maybe make me feel like I'm not such a terrible person in the mean time.

Play:
This has trickled off the longer I go without finding a job. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I need to feel like I've accomplished something more "real" and tangible, when I don't have a job, but I've been working my way through Final Fantasy XII. First off, let me say: They need to put some flipping pants on Fran, the bunny girl. I don't need to see that every time I'm leading the girl party.. But other than that, I was enjoying my first foray into the world of Final Fantasy. I'm sure I'm not done with it. When I'm feeling less job conscious or tired of all the hobbies I've picked back up, I'm sure I'll return to it. I don't know why it took me so long to play one, but it's fun... and it's free, which is good.

What I Haven't Been Doing:
Calling my friends: Is it stress? Partly. I think I'm letting my insecurity with the job translate over into other areas of my life as well, so I've not been reaching out nearly as much as I should. Which is dumb, cause I have great friends, and I have "all this time." But it's like the abundance of time is almost paralyzing in it's own way. I've completely reverted back to my night owl ways, and I look around and see how busy everyone else is, and here I am just sorta drifting... I never understood why someone who was in a lot of money trouble wouldn't want to open their bills-- I always thought, "But not opening them doesn't change their content." But now I'm starting to understand better. It's hard to be confronted with what you know is your own failure... and seeing people who know me seems to somehow underline my job-less-ness in my own mind.

Working out: I started working out this summer during the busiest time I had in school... and I managed 3 times a week for a month or so... and now it's dropped off significantly. I haven't given it up completely. The other night I did 6 sets of 9 (girl) pushups, which is pretty good, considering I started at 5 sets of 5 and could barely do it. So I've upped it to a little more than double. But you'd think I'd do it every day with all my free time. Nope. Not so much.




Ok guys, I'm ready to work again. Introspection and free time are overrated.

Creature of Habit (aka why a career is like a boyfriend, apparently)

What? Renée has written a blog post!?! That's something that doesn't happen every day... ok, well, it doesn't any more.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things, though... because, I mean, really, what else do I have going on?

So quick and dirty life update: I'm still dating Jason (he's wonderful, but would deny that if you asked him), I graduated with my Masters on Aug 1st, and (though I have been applying a lot) I've not heard back from anyone.

It's hard. I mean obviously, I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know it's all in who you know and getting the right notice at the right time and something will come along and it will be great and ect. ect. ect. But it's hard to be here. I keep saying-- this time off would be a whole lot easier to enjoy if I knew when it was going to end. If I was on an actual vacation rather than unemployed. Even the word, "unemployed" feels terrible. It makes me feel like a loser and a drain on society. If it were a choice I were making, it would be different. If I could claim a different title. If I was a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom," not having a job would be lovely and I could work and make my Etsy things and get better at quilting and paint hoodies to my heart's content (or at least I think that from this side of the fence!) I don't judge someone else for being unemployed, but boy howdy am I judging myself. It feels scummy.

It's not like I'm only looking for writing/tech writing jobs. I'm looking for administrative assistant style jobs, too. I did that for 4 years for the church and while I'd rather be doing something more project-orientated, I certainly didn't mind being an administrator and I was pretty good at it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!

Could I get a part-time job? I mean, I do have the Pixelscopic stuff when they need me and, yeah, I probably could get something in retail or food service, and if this stretches out too long I might have to, but I have some money in savings and while I don't want to blow through that either, I also don't want to take a stop-gap part time thing that stresses me out with learning a new job and slows down my ability to look for a full-time "real" job that can actually support me. Cause that's the thing. In the long run, I need something that can support me.

It's so frustrating. I mean I'm a good employee. I really think that I am, and as far as I know every supervisor I've had would say the same. I'm calm and I work well with others and I have a good work ethic and I'm personable and I learn what I need to do quickly and I do my job well. But it's not like I can just write on my resume: "You are a fool if you don't call this girl in for an interview." Cause that's very bombastic, for one, and perhaps not the greatest first impression. Should I start mailing HR departments cookies? I probably should. Sugar cookies that say, "Hire Renée, today!"

I'm not great at selling myself. I don't think in terms of numbers or scope of projects or talents. I try to be so great that other people will sell me, or somehow my previous work will sell me. I make the cookies. You tell me if they are good enough. When I have to tell you if they are good enough I want to undersell. Because maybe you don't like nuts, or maybe chocolate or cinnamon isn't your thing, or maybe (God forbid!) you like raisins in your oatmeal cookies. If I have to tell you that I'm going to blow you away then I probably won't. I will have probably raised your expectations far beyond my ability to exceed them. Or at least that's how my mind works. But I know that you can't do that on a resume, so I have done the best I can to avoid that... and yet I've still to receive any calls.

Today my phone rang and I got excited. And then I saw it was a number from Florida, but I went ahead and answered, cause you never know. "Hello?"

... "Hola!" followed by a long string of Spanish that I could not begin to keep up with.

*sigh* *End Call*

I mean... good gravy, hire me for a two-week trial period and if you don't think I do a good job, let me go. I'm pretty confident that you wouldn't, but if you've been burned by employees before, I get it. Call my references, please! Call them all. I'm not sure the Mt. Vernon principal from 2008 will have a strong recollection of me, but that's fine, you can go for it. I can put you in touch with a few of my former students, if that would help.

I sound desperate. I'm not... at least not yet. But I am serious. It's legitimately as demoralizing as trying to start dating again, only this time I can't wait for two years for the right one to come along. Oh gosh... yeah. I've just read back over this thing and it really is like dating. I even hear the same things. "Just be patient." "The right one will come along." "Stay positive, don't beat yourself up." "Try and focus on other things, too." I could literally reskin this blog and make it about boys, and it would be my blogs from like 2012.

Ha! Can't you imagine it? Here's paragraph 5 from above: "It's not like I'm only looking for brunettes. I'm into gingers, too. I never had a crush on a red head and while I'm naturally drawn to brunettes, I certainly know and love a lot of people with red hair and even tried it a time or two myself  and I looked pretty good in it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!"

*shakes my head* I guess the more things change the more they don't change even a little bit? I mean this should probably be encouraging, right? Jason certainly turned out to be pretty great, and at least I can apply for a job. You can't really submit a girlfriend application unless you have the money to hire a matchmaker.

School things

First off, I really want a hamburger. All over the city, the smell of hamburgers has been following me until no other food sounds like it could compare.

I said it on facebook but it bears repeating. I really love being a student. I wish there was a way I could be paid to go to school forever without being a teacher.

My one class today was awesome. Not because of the subject matter, though I think that will be at least mildly interesting, but because I knew about 50% of my classmates, and I love *love* being in a class where people I know come and sit near me/by me and ask how my summer was and tell me about theirs and chat with me before class. It was great last year, even when I didn't know anyone, but it's fantastic this year, already.

Also I love that my job is actually proving to be kinda useful to my friends as they start their TA's (teaching assistantships) I was able to give lots of decent advice today just in the five minutes before class about Blackboard and experts and training classes, which was so nice. Huzzah.

Also either I or my supervisor have a stalker, so that's interesting... on the "Springfield Bear Confessions" page:  

4890- There is this lady I think is insanely cute who works in the library. Sometimes she teaches classes in a room on the second floor, sometimes I see her in Cheek, and her office is in the back corner of The second floor of the library. She is so hot, I think about her while out with my girlfriend, I dream about her in my dorm room, and I cannot get her lovely body out of my mind. I know a wonderfully cute and married woman like that would never give a guy like me the time of day, but now that I have her in my mind I cannot seem to get her out of it. I have fantasized about her all summer, even when I tried not to. How the hell do I get her out of my head. I dont wanna seem like some stalker but I cannot live a normal life when every thought is of her. I wrote a paper recently that mentioned the library, when I reread it I realized I had changed at that mention and wrote 7 pages of fantasy about her.

 ...Yeah. Pretty sure it's about my supervisor, but our office is in the "back corner of the second floor" of the library, we have tech training in a room on the second floor, our other training center (and most of computer services) is over in Cheek so we are over there all the time. (She teaches classes way more often, which is why I think it's her.) The only thing that isn't accurate is that neither of us are married, but ours is the only office in any corner of the library on the second floor... so I'm almost positive that it's her.... it's too many specifics not to be.

And that's pretty much everything I wanted to say...  Now to find that burger!

Revelation

by William Carlos Williams

I awoke happy, the house
Was strange, voices
Were across a gap
Through which a girl
Came and paused,
Reaching out to me--

Then I remembered
What I had dreamed--
A girl
One whom I knew well
Leaned on the door of my car
And stroked my hand--

I shall pass her on the street
We shall say trivial things
To each other
But I shall never cease
To search her eyes
For that quiet look--

Thoughts on 30

It's been a long time, I know. I haven't blogged recently cause all I would blog about is how busy I am and that seems like it would get really old really fast.... but I'm going to blog about how busy I am tonight. :) I'm still working as a grad assistant at Missouri State. That, plus actual classes, plus Pixelscopic, plus preaching at church, plus sometimes singing on the worship team, plus maintaining a healthy relationship with a person you don't live with (I'd forgotten how much time that takes!), plus trying to maintain my other friendships, means my writing (blogging, writing, and even my writing group, sadly) have all taken a backseat to surviving.  Don't get me wrong, I love everything I just mentioned, I'm just often overwhelmed.

Take this week for example: I got home Sunday night from my family "4th of July" celebration.  I basically fell asleep as soon as I walked in the door and slept for 5 hours. Then I woke up, ate dinner at 2 in the morning, and went back to sleep. Monday morning I got up at 8 in the morning and worked on a paper that was technically due that evening though I got an extension, and prepped for class, then went in at noon to work, then straight to class and I got back home at around 9 that evening. Monday night I wrote a final (take-home essay) and went to bed around midnight or 1. Tuesday I got up at 9 went into work at 11 (oh and I should mention its a very busy time at work because it's almost a new semester and we got a lot of sudden new documentation that has to be done.) I left at 4:30 went home, met up with Jason and friends and went to Silver Dollar City for the evening, got home at 11:30 or so and crashed. Then on Wednesday I left for work at around 8:45, worked until 5:30-- and I do mean *worked* I think that's the most I've ever done in a single day at work--, came home, proofed and e-mailed my final and started work on my final paper for the same class... I finished it at 5 AM and went to sleep at 6 AM.  Then I woke up at 8:30 got to work at 9:30, worked for 2 hours, grabbed lunch with Jason, took my car to the dealership to get it maintained, went home took somewhere between a 30 min and 1.5 hour nap, while also doing laundry. Got up, showered and packed and packed and packed. Ran to Wal-mart, had dinner with Jason,  watched a Dr. Who, revised my paper and e-mailed it out, curled my hair, and went to bed at like 1 AM... only to get up the next morning and leave for St. Louis so I could get on a plane to come to Philadelphia. Lots of fun happened in the week, but not enough sleep and a *lot* of work also happened.

And now here I am in Philadelphia!

And I looooooooove that I could come see Kara, because I've missed her so much.

But today is my 30th birthday and I feel old. And not where I wanted to be in my life. I feel like I should have a plan, but beyond some "it would be nice" ideas, I don't have a clue what I want to do after I graduate (probably in May or this time next year)... I feel like I'm about a year farther into my life than I was at this time 10 years ago, which feels pathetic. I don't know how I will make enough money to support myself and I don't know how I will find time to write when it feels like I don't have the time to write now. And I'm worried about my retirement on a practical level (I should have already saved a million dollars by now! I can't get that time back when it comes to investments!)

So my 30th birthday has a very mixed set of feelings in it. It's great to be with Kara, and to relish in just how very *known* I am with her, but I also find myself introspecting, which frankly is always dangerous with me. I think knowing how little I can predict the future makes me want to be very secure financially and have a million back up plans... and I'm not and I don't and that's not likely to change... that is unless someone knows how to make a million dollars painting my own nails, baking cookies for people (for free), crafting, and writing YA books?

So... Thirty... how about you prove me wrong.

Don't Call Me Fragile

So I've got about five blogs swimming around in my head, and no time in which to blog them... but when have I not chosen to procrastinate on a big paper four days before it's due? I may end up having to take Wednesday off from life.

Anyway the River Pretty Writers Retreat was this weekend, and it went well I think. I really love getting a chance like that to be away from the rest of the world for a while and getting to know people better. I  made a lot of new friends this weekend and strengthened several that were made last semester.

Something that is interesting about the workshops in the writing retreat: We are given writing prompts or exercises and then somewhere between 10 or 20 minutes to write. Then someone reads what they've written and everyone else reacts to it. I've noticed that I tend to write non-fiction in these workshops, because it's hard for me to be spontaneously creative in that way. (For instance, of the three or four exercises this weekend, only one was fiction.)

It's a little rough because a lot of what I write about is being a widow. I think I just need to accept that I need to write a memoir to get out all the stuff, instead of revisiting it over and over and over. Widowhood dominates my writing more than it does my life.

Interestingly enough though I had three very distinct widow experiences this weekend.

One (and chronologically the final one) happened in conversation. One of my writing friends is a poetry guy and somehow over the course of the last 6-8 months that I've known him he didn't know about Nathan. So we were helping a girl who had gotten pretty intoxicated get to bed and he made a comment about his wife having a lot of health problems and so he was sort of trained to take care of sick people. And I agreed, and made some comment about recovering from caretaker fatigue. I said something about taking care of someone with cancer, thinking that he already knew my background, and he asked who and I said, "Oh... my husband."

We had been walking and he stopped dead in his tracks. He had no clue. He asked if he could give me a hug. I obliged, half because he looked like he needed a hug. Several times the rest of the weekend he commented on my strength.

Two happened at the student reading (I really can't remember if this reading was before or after the next experience, but I've got a organizational plan which places this one here.) One of my friends from the last retreat read a story, a fictional piece which takes place 10-15 days after his wife dies. (His wife is not dead.) He mentioned it was the most difficult thing he's ever written and the hardest thing he's ever had to do. It was really interesting to hear what he thought it would be like for him... It made me think about how, before Nathan died, I thought I might handle his death. It isn't the first time I've said this, but before he got sick I thought that if Nathan ever died I'd become a hermit. I'd run off to the upstairs of my parent's house and become a hermit, and never venture out into the world again. That's what I thought. This friend was very concerned about what I thought and how I reacted to his piece, but I can't be insulted by someone truly trying to imagine what life would be like. He said a lot of things that weren't at all like what I'd gone through... but he said some things that were right on. And that doesn't mean that he was wrong about how he'd react-- it just means that he is not like me. It did make me slightly paranoid (as I often am) that the way I handled Nathan's death makes it look like I didn't love him with all that I had. But that's my weird issue, not his. And it was sweet of him to be concerned about my reaction.

And then there was the third experience, which also happened at the student readings. A boy from Oklahoma read something he'd written from the perspective of a Marine Family Relations Officer. I can't tell you what the story was about... at all. Because towards the beginning of the story he read the words, "fragile widows."

And it was all I could do for the rest of his reading was not walk up to him and punch him in the nose and then yell, "Who's fragile now!?!"

I was ticked.

Not only was I mad for the cause of widows everywhere, but I happen to be dating a Marine. Now it's true he's not an FRO, but one of the many reasons I like my Marine is that my widowhood says to him that I'm very strong. He has seen widows in mourning and he does not call them fragile. He calls them strong. I was so put off by how wrong this guy's casual reference to myself and my sisters in grief was.

It really angers me how prevalent this idea of the flawed-ness or fragility of widows is in society. Maybe it comes from the people who try to imagine (like me, once) what they would do if they lost their spouse. **This is different from my friend who honestly and sincerely put himself through the real imagining of what would happen. Much like an actor he put in the work to make himself that character-- to have that character's experiences.** Maybe it comes from the pity. I heard a woman say to my friend (after he made a general announcement that his wife had not died) how glad she was to hear that his wife was alive because she'd been feeling so sorry for him.

Again, a reason I appreciate Jason. He does not pity me. He wishes that I hadn't had to go through it, but he doesn't pity me. He also doesn't view the terrible side note that I once had a husband who died as something that's wrong with me. In fact he's baffled by the fact that anyone would.

I'm a widow, and that simple fact has taught me that I have a core of steel. Much of what I am has been stripped or blown away, but that doesn't mean I'm fragile. I've been tested. If life is a fist fight I've been fighting a berserker who is three times my size and not pulling his punches. Being hit doesn't make you fragile. Heck, even being broken doesn't make you fragile. Strong things break all the time. What makes something fragile is being easily broken. And trust me when I say that the death of one's spouse is not an easy blow.

Yes, I am a widow but don't call me fragile.

Push Play

Since Nathan's diagnosis it has felt like my life has been on pause. I used to comfort us actually, by saying that our lives were just on pause and soon it would resume.

Then Nathan died and the DVD totally stopped. The disc made that screeching noise that means it stopped spinning and there was just a blue screen. (What? It's just my DVD player that makes that noise? Oh. Oh well, go with a record coming to an abrupt stop if you are more familiar with that noise... or squealing breaks... whatever. Anyway.)

After about a year the picture came back (though someone had rewound it a ways) and when I took that first class it was as if someone had pushed the play button.... but they hadn't taken pause off so my life was still running in slow motion.

And since then the speed has slowly been bumping up, every now and again.

Until now... Now it feels like I'm playing at normal speed, again.

And I'm not going to lie-- it's a little overwhelming. I'm already the type of person who will just leave things be longer than they should because I'm normally quite fine with the status quo, but there are a lot of things that are being added to my plate and I'm not used to it, yet.

Tim (the preacher at my church) is going on sabbatical at the beginning of May until late August. I'm not really taking up a lot more responsibilities there, actually. I'll be preaching a few more times, but it's not crazy.... but I *am* feeling a little more weight and expectations falling back on my shoulders as a leader.

School is hitting that very busy time, when lots of things are coming due.

Work is also hitting a heavy load time.

And then there is the whole being in a new relationship thing... Which is wonderful, but part of the problem (and part of the wonderfulness) of a new relationship is you don't want to do anything else when you are with that person... so all of your responsibilities have to get shoved into the time that you *aren't* with that person.... and of course both of you are actively trying to make the time you aren't together as small as possible, because twitterpation is for realsies.

And of course in the background of it all is are the widow issues that I'm constantly dealing with to some extent or another.

So I'm searching for balance, and finding it rather elusive. I have to learn how to get work done when I'm hanging out with Jason. (And to be clear, this is totally my problem. He tries to encourage me to do what I need to and I get all pouty and say no.) I have to learn how to actually do my homework when I have free time instead of napping or watching the last season of Eureka or trying to find a side zip hoodie. I have to learn how to clean my house and put away my stuff and do things even when I don't feel like it, because I don't have time to do it later.

So basically I'm praying that I somehow get it all accomplished by a miracle.

And I know that it shouldn't take a miracle. I know this is the normal pace of life for most people... but it's been so long since my life was going at this sort of clip that it feels like things are spinning a bit. Remember merry-go-rounds from when you were a kid? Remember how it was really hard to grab ahold and run with it and jump on if you came to it already spinning at full speed? That's a bit how it feels now that someone finally pushed play on my life.

But it's good, too. It's so good.

I'm just not sure how to both enjoy it and keep up.