Thoughts on 30

It's been a long time, I know. I haven't blogged recently cause all I would blog about is how busy I am and that seems like it would get really old really fast.... but I'm going to blog about how busy I am tonight. :) I'm still working as a grad assistant at Missouri State. That, plus actual classes, plus Pixelscopic, plus preaching at church, plus sometimes singing on the worship team, plus maintaining a healthy relationship with a person you don't live with (I'd forgotten how much time that takes!), plus trying to maintain my other friendships, means my writing (blogging, writing, and even my writing group, sadly) have all taken a backseat to surviving.  Don't get me wrong, I love everything I just mentioned, I'm just often overwhelmed.

Take this week for example: I got home Sunday night from my family "4th of July" celebration.  I basically fell asleep as soon as I walked in the door and slept for 5 hours. Then I woke up, ate dinner at 2 in the morning, and went back to sleep. Monday morning I got up at 8 in the morning and worked on a paper that was technically due that evening though I got an extension, and prepped for class, then went in at noon to work, then straight to class and I got back home at around 9 that evening. Monday night I wrote a final (take-home essay) and went to bed around midnight or 1. Tuesday I got up at 9 went into work at 11 (oh and I should mention its a very busy time at work because it's almost a new semester and we got a lot of sudden new documentation that has to be done.) I left at 4:30 went home, met up with Jason and friends and went to Silver Dollar City for the evening, got home at 11:30 or so and crashed. Then on Wednesday I left for work at around 8:45, worked until 5:30-- and I do mean *worked* I think that's the most I've ever done in a single day at work--, came home, proofed and e-mailed my final and started work on my final paper for the same class... I finished it at 5 AM and went to sleep at 6 AM.  Then I woke up at 8:30 got to work at 9:30, worked for 2 hours, grabbed lunch with Jason, took my car to the dealership to get it maintained, went home took somewhere between a 30 min and 1.5 hour nap, while also doing laundry. Got up, showered and packed and packed and packed. Ran to Wal-mart, had dinner with Jason,  watched a Dr. Who, revised my paper and e-mailed it out, curled my hair, and went to bed at like 1 AM... only to get up the next morning and leave for St. Louis so I could get on a plane to come to Philadelphia. Lots of fun happened in the week, but not enough sleep and a *lot* of work also happened.

And now here I am in Philadelphia!

And I looooooooove that I could come see Kara, because I've missed her so much.

But today is my 30th birthday and I feel old. And not where I wanted to be in my life. I feel like I should have a plan, but beyond some "it would be nice" ideas, I don't have a clue what I want to do after I graduate (probably in May or this time next year)... I feel like I'm about a year farther into my life than I was at this time 10 years ago, which feels pathetic. I don't know how I will make enough money to support myself and I don't know how I will find time to write when it feels like I don't have the time to write now. And I'm worried about my retirement on a practical level (I should have already saved a million dollars by now! I can't get that time back when it comes to investments!)

So my 30th birthday has a very mixed set of feelings in it. It's great to be with Kara, and to relish in just how very *known* I am with her, but I also find myself introspecting, which frankly is always dangerous with me. I think knowing how little I can predict the future makes me want to be very secure financially and have a million back up plans... and I'm not and I don't and that's not likely to change... that is unless someone knows how to make a million dollars painting my own nails, baking cookies for people (for free), crafting, and writing YA books?

So... Thirty... how about you prove me wrong.

Great Limerick, Part 2

You may have noticed that Kara's limerick didn't make the cut two days ago. This is because she drug a frowned upon inside joke into it-- one that I don't really want burned into the internet for all time.

But this morning she woke me up to say goodbye and had three limericks for me, bringing her limerick total up to four (She does so hate to be out-done.) ;)

So here are Kara's *real* limericks:

You change every person you meet
by being yourself- oh so sweet.
I was a real bitch,
now my life is so rich.
The gospel is spread by your feet!

You challenge me to be ... "nice"
for my sin, you oft' pay the price.
You share all you own,
righteous seeds you have sown, ((and great costumes!))
of loving you, moms don't think twice.

I am who I am, 'cause you are who you are.
In every relationship you raise the bar.
I win when you win.
We're closer than kin.
We'll be bff's always- no distance too far.

Great Limerick!

I like to think that "Great Limerick!" is something that we will now say when shocked- like how Dr. Brown says "Great Scott!" in Back to the Future.


So today I was woken up by a phone call from Kara... yes.... it was noon. A girl can sleep as late as she wants on her birthday! I actually missed the first call, but then I called her right back and I'm glad I did, because she told me that she had good and bad news...

The good news is she got a job in Philly. The bad news is she has training that starts August 14th and so can't come back for the friend-a-versary like we planned... but the other good news was... *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!* And there she was! It was really exciting. I ran downstairs like it was Christmas.

So last Friday, Kara actually came up with the idea that I should have people write me limericks for my birthday...

Best. Idea. Ever.

And now I will share with you some of the greats from today:

A birthday rhyme for my friend Renée
Of her beauty I can't fully convey
She has nails with a map
and bakes desserts in a snap
We will buy her bestsellers someday.
-Natalie

Our friend Renée always bakes
Lots of pies, lots of cookies and cakes
Cause we just can't say no
to her treats made from dough
we're all getting fat, goodness sakes!
- Bill

There's this girl that I know named Renée
She has to have Starbucks each day
White Peppermint Mocha
To start up her mot'a
Now up way too late she will stay
-Lissa

This one has a bit of meter issues, but it's too great not to share:

Surfing facebook on my cellular phone
while sitting here on my porcelain throne.
DING-A-LING-A-LING! Tagged in a post.
Jessie has summoned a limerick for Renée, the host!
WOW! What's that smell? Was it my own?

Anyways, back to the topic of the day.
Renée, sit back, relax and enjoy what I have to say.
No funny business, stinky socks, or rotten fish.
Just a heartfelt, warm birthday wish!
For all those you hold dear to send love your way!

Glancing through posts both new and old,
I wanted to see what all you had been told.
What I realized was almost everyone's downfall!
Hardly anyone can follow directions at all!
Most gave a quick reply, but a few broke the mold!

So on your special day, and a limerick you request,
I issue you this, but a simple test:
Who is lovely and caring and sweeter than sweet?
Who can bake amazing cookies that'll never be beat?
If you guessed Renée, you're correct! She's one of the best!

-Mike

My birthday wishes are lame
Just a simple "Happy Birthday!"--all the same
But I figured "Why not?"
"I'll give this a shot"
"and pen a birthday limerick for Renée"

In no time the first line was written
The standard "Once was a girl..."--I was smitten
Then came line two
And quickly I was through
Limericks are difficult.
Happy Birthday!

-Joe

There once was a girl named, Renée

Who's name happened to rhyme with "bidet"

She so hated the term

That she threatened to burn

Any who uttered it on her birthday

*pause* *deep breath*

So.. there was a fellow, name of Ryan

In imminent danger of fryin'

So to save his skin

He pleaded this then:

(deadpan voice)

"Happy birthday Renée... please don't kill me"

-Burrell (whose name is also Ryan but that's confusing, so I call him Burrell)

Helpful and personable, she will plan an event

Bring people together, not one she resents

but the é in her name is a fake

so you'll think she is French by mistake

(in a crazy French accent)

'cause it gives her excuses to speak in accents.

-Ryan

And then I think the piece dé resistance* (also penned by Ryan)

Renée, Renée, fabulous she

witty and charming, open-handed and free

Her only downfall

-if she has one at all

Is trying to make me watch that stupid show, Glee

I so enjoyed this birthday limerick extravaganza. I love my friends and I love laughing and I love all the wonderful compliments being written down so I can refer to them over and over. 

Kara says next year is sonnets... but she does have a tendency to take things a bit over the top.

*the piece dé resistance says "stupid" for parental controls.... (like literally for the parentals who read this.... Ryan has strong feelings towards against Glee. -- so much that he just made me change it when I said "towards" because (direct quote) "I'm not 'toward' Glee in any way.") 

Birthday

There once was a girl- name of Kara

Whose birthday idea she did share-a

Write limericks for me

Heck, write twenty-three

Be witty and funny- I dare ya!

My nails are fun-fetti and look at the name of that nail polish!

I like boys.

The problem with getting a new book from the library is that I want to be reading the book, not writing on my blog... so I make very short blog posts.

Tonight I was at a friend's birthday party. There was a fire pit outside and some people were hanging out inside. At one point all the girls migrated inside and all of the boys were outside-- except for me, who remained by the firepit. Then a girl came outside and said to me, "In case you didn't notice, all the females are inside."

I just looked up at her and said, "I know. I like boys."

Some of the boys chuckled, and the girl looked really confused, and said, "Oh, ok."

But seriously. I can hang out with girls all the time. It's never weird or awkward for me and a girl to go grab dinner or lunch together... but I can't do that with a guy. I'm starved for the company of men. I used to spend pretty much all my free time with a dude and now... well, it's just not the way it is anymore. And especially mellow, hanging out around a fire pit, sometimes talking, sometimes just watching the flames, sometimes playing a videogame boys. It's like guys are an endangered species in my life... especially ones at lesuire-- I don't see a lot of relaxed dudes anymore, so I'm darn sure going to take the opportunity to be around them when I can get it.

I've never been super clingy, but when I need comfort it's normally a guy I run to first... has been ever since I was little. My dad is the "strong silent" type but I would always go hang on his arm when I wasn't feeling good. And now... well maybe it has something to do with what I lost, but more than ever I just really like guys. Calm, low key, they can take care of themselves men.

It's probably not very PC of me, but in my brain, guys take care of girls. It's like the inevitable truth of life. So if I'm with a whole passel of men I don't feel like I have to be so strong or tough or self-sufficent. I can let them carry the tv to the car... I can let them talk to the waitress... I can let them eat cookies.

It's like for a small moment in time my life isn't so broken.

Goodbye, birthday!

Well, it's been a lovely day. I didn't get a Venti Starbucks drink yet, but I will.. I have until the 18th, never you fear. I had so many birthday wishes on facebook and so many in person and some friends gave me a Pollyanna book AND colored hair extensions... so now I have 5 hair extensions. 5! Red, blue, green, fuschia, and lilac. It's fabulous. It's beyond fabulous.

Oh and I can tell you what Nathan bought me for my birthday (or at least what the money in his wallet bought me)- an ipod nano! It's so tiny and cute for being 16g of music space. Now I just have to get a cord that hooks up to my car, which shouldn't be a problem... then figure out how my car radio works with the Ipod... but that shouldn't be terribly difficult either.

Then I can jam out this weekend on my way to and fro my cousin's wedding.

Mainly I just wanted to tell you how much I love people... cause I really do. I love you. I appreciate you. I think you are great.

It was a really good day. Thank you all for the e-mails and facebooks and coming to game night to see me and a special shout out to Katie, for making me lemon bars ala Pioneer Woman. They were scrumptious!

ugh... late it is and sleepy am I. Talk to you lata, world. Love ya a bushel and a peck.

Nae

They say it's my birthday!

It's 20 minutes to my birthday and to celebrate my day I will be attempting to go to bed by 12:30. That gives me a good 50 minutes to write this blog in. We'll see if I make it, or not.

I'd like to thank The Cup and Starbucks for sending me postcards for free things on my birthday. I'm excited about that red velvet cupcake and venti iced white chocolate peppermint mocha no whip. Yeah, I said venti-- it's my birthday and it's free! Time to get wired!

I have a few slogans for today that I would like to share with you:

Always a classic

Me too! ... on the cheek, of course! :)

And when in doubt

"Happy 6th Birthday Sarah"= greatest 28th birthday slogan ever.

Ok so that last one is just because I wanted to call in the Darth Vader, light-saber-wielding, rainbow-jumping, My-Little-Pony-riding, sprinkle and flower bedecked, cavalry. I mean who doesn't wanna call in that cavalry? That cavalry rocks so hard they get pink trimmings.

I don't really have any deep thoughts on this, the early morning of my 28th birthday. I suppose it isn't late enough for my supposedly deep thoughts to arise... I'm happy to be 28 though. Happy to say goodbye to a year which pretty well completely sucked and happy to say hello to a new year bright with hope and promise and... well, hope. 28 is gonna be good. It's gotta be. There has been enough of the tears.

Bring on Darth Vader, and rainbows, and My Little Ponies, and flowers, and sprinkles, and light sabers!

Birthday Count-down, t-minus 6 days!

I didn't go to sleep early... I read a book.  You don't have to tell me, I know I'm adorable. You know how I know that? Cause I got that card in Apples to Apples tonight. Along with hilarious... and deadly, clueless, and some other not so nice descriptors. But let's just focus on adorable and hilarious, ok?

ok.

I've decided to take the constant-reminders-of-my-birthday approach this year... as in, "let's not let anyone forget it by not-at-all-subtly bringing it up all the time." I think I recognize this as a coping mechanism so that I don't have to deal with feeling lonely or like no one cares. But hey, coping mechanisms aren't all bad... sometimes they are called coping skills and they are awesome to have. I have the awesome ones... so awesome it's actually coping skillz. with a z. In case you couldn't tell.

My present came in the mail today. It's lovely, but I'm making myself wait to open it up and play with it till my birthday, cause if Nathan were here he would make me wait.

Constant Comment Iced Tea... I heart. I thought it was good hot... but now I can't decide if I like it more hot or cold. I can decide to buy it in bulk on Amazon though.

I forgot how much I like playing with my hair. I've been not messing with it while it's been curly lo these many months, but since I've been straightening it lately I've remembered how much I like playing with it... also it's gotten long since getting curly... Didn't even have to trim up my extensions... Btw, extensions make me feel like a rock star. This might be why I dig them so much.

What color are chestnuts? I like to pretend that my hair is chestnut brown cause I like the way it sounds but I don't actually know what color a chestnut is... and also what do they taste like roasted? I don't know that either, even though I sing about it every Christmas. This would be a fabulous My Drunk Kitchen episode. Go, Hannah!

Did I mention that my birthday is in less than a week now? Cause it is. You should do something to celebrate it with me this weekend, since I'll be gone next weekend.

See? I'm about as subtle as a Mac Truck. That's why I didn't get the subtle Apples to Apples card.. I don't believe in subtlety... and if I did, I'd eat it for breakfast just to get it out of the way.

Much Ado about 27

I have bronze fingernails with sparkly blue bases... Why is it that the only place my creativity is willing to surface lately is in nail art?

I have a confession. I love glow-sticks. I love glow-sticks so much that I hoard them, not wanting to waste them on a night where I don't spend enough time awake in the dark. Which is pretty much every night, I think. Maybe I should turn off my lights at night... save energy and rock out the glow-sticks.

I swear sometimes I really am 7.

Ok, fine. 27. At least for one week and one day more.

So something recently brought to my attention... Have you heard of the 27 club? With the death of Amy Winehouse I've seen in the news and on facebook a couple of articles referencing the 27 Club... which is a group of musicians who died at the age of 27. Many of them were considered to be geniuses. Many of them were manic depressive. Many of them were substance abusers. This list includes Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendricks, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. All died at 27. Maybe it's a good thing that my birthday is coming up... maybe it's a really impressive thing that I've gotten through these last 6 months... maybe 27 is a more tender age than it seems... it's mind boggling to me that all of these people were only 27 though... They were able to make such a lasting impression by the age of 27... What have I done? I've been so happy and I've survived... I guess that's more than they can say.

I think I may need to be careful there...  It may become really easy to idealize how happy I was when I was married. I mean compared to where I am now I was blissfully happy... but part of that is that I'd never had a major grief event in my life. I'd yet to accept that someone I loved could die... I thought I could keep them here just by sheer force of my love... that didn't work. And while I look back and pretty much only remember being happy, I still seemed to have plenty to complain about at the time. And though I do think that Nathan and I had extra grace because God knew we wouldn't have as much time with each other as we would have liked and so we wouldn't waste it fighting, we did still fight. I had frustrations with him, he had frustrations with me... yes, we were happy, and yes we were in love, but he really could drive me up a wall. I hated how his phone was always on vibrate so I couldn't get a hold of him half the time when I wanted him. I didn't like his temper at all, and the way he drove when he got mad about something would in turn make me so mad that I fumed. I mean... marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's silent fuming and pouting and snapping at each other... but it's also settling into love... getting comfortable in it and wearing it around like a Snuggie. It's trading in some of those butterflies for knowing looks and inside jokes. It's easy to look back now and see how happy and wonderful things were even when they were tense and grumpy... but at the time I just felt tense and grumpy. I think I need to remember these things, cause while laughing with each other at 1 AM happens,  offended silences happen as well, and it could be easy to cultivate unreasonable expectations that a human being wouldn't be able to live up to.

Come on, 28. You've got to be better than 27 in terms of life events. All you gotta do is not completely suck. Ready? Go!... ok fine, you've got one week and one day to get ready and then... Go!

You know if I weren't 2 weeks late this wouldn't be a problem. Sheesh, baby me, what were you thinking??

PS I watched 5 episodes of Dawson's Creek tonight... Good use of my time, eh?

With special guest appearance by my British GPS

Today, I saw a build of the game I've been working on. Twas quite thrilling to see the characters say things that I wrote, and do things I came up with. It's gonna be a fun game... even if it is for the childrens. You should all buy it... you know, once I tell you what it is and it's actually released.

On to important news:

Today is a momentous occasion. Today marks the birth of two very special ladies in my life.

The first is my mother, who was born on this day more than 30 years ago... but not that many more...

The second is my bff Kara, who was born on this day less than 30 years ago... much much less.

I love them both muchly, and I'll see my mom on Sunday when she rolls into town... Kara, I shall see tomorrow when I roll out of bed, because we are going to go on birthday errands. It will be very exciting I'm sure. :)

Also, today someone commented on my blog and said she felt like a stalker, because she found my blog through a friend of a friend and has been reading it since then. Here is the thing. Her comment made my day. I love that there are people out there who are reading my blog who I don't know personally. It validates me, gives me warm fuzzies, and makes me convinced that if the Taliban got to know me they really would like me. So, if you read my blog and we are like the hummingbirds who had also never met, (once again, if you haven't seen it before, go read this) don't be scared or shy! Keep reading! Throw a comment out there every once in a while! I promise not to judge you, except to think that you are cool cause you are taking the time to read and comment on my blog. Unless you don't want to be thought of as cool, because you are a hipster and too many people want to be cool for cool to be cool anymore. (Didja follow that one?) If that is the case then I just won't judge you at all.. it's not really my style anyway. I like you too much to judge you.

Fo shizzle, yo diggity.

My British GPS is shaking his head in disgust and muttering about "lady drivers and people who insist on speaking absolute bullocks."

Well, then, until next time, mates! Cheerio!

Rain makes applesauce.

Today is my Aunt Dawn's birthday. I shall not give away what age she is, but let's just say that she was 12 when I was born and I'm turning 28 in a few months. Happy Birthday, Da! I love you, more!

Paula had foot surgery today to resolve her "foot issues." Pray for her to heal fast and for Bill as he lends her a hand through her convalescence.

Sometimes I just want to use the word convalescence.

Today I finally replaced the light bulbs in my kitchen which have been burnt out for probably a month now... maybe a month and a half.

I also had a first dinner that consisted only of carrots... and then a second dinner at midnight. It consisted of mac and cheese and pork chops.

I've started playing a video game. I'm hopelessly addicted, already. It's exactly what I've been wanting/craving lately.

But just so it's clear, I did things other than play a video game today. I also worked, altered a dress for Kara, and took out my trash. That last one was quite an accomplishment!

There is this children's book that I've never actually seen called, "Rain Makes Applesauce." I only actually know the words, though apparently it's very well illustrated. Anyway, I like it basically because of the refrain,
"and rain makes applesauce. (Oh, you're just talking silly talk)" and because of one line. "The wind blows backwards all night long." I don't know why I love that line so much, but ach. Indeed I do.

Plus I like talking silly talk

...cause rain makes applesauce.

Birthday Surprise

So, Tuesday is the day of my birth, when I turn the ripe old age of 27. It doesn't sound that old when I say it out loud, or look that old when I write it down, but I've been feeling very old lately. I think that is something dealing with cancer does to you, unfortunately... I sometimes wonder if my eyes have changed or if all that "you can see the life she has lived" stuff you read in books is just poetic license for extra wrinkles. It feels like they have changed... but as I've mentioned before I am a romantic. (Romantic is kinda like emo, I think, but not quite the same.)

I digress.

Anyway, tonight (Sunday night) I had plans to go to the Carter's house for supper and the Goeke's were going to come, too. And honestly, I wasn't all that jazzed about it. I haven't been feeling exactly thrilled about my birthday this year. -Sidenote: This is not normal at all for me. I love my birthday. I am inordinately proud that I was born on 8-3-83 (as if I had any actual say in that!)- I love coming up with a fun idea of something to do, hanging out with friends, and using the whole "it's my birthday" power... (Hey, there are some boys out there who would never have known that "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" is actually kinda funny, if not for me! ...Sorry, guys.) Basically I just love feeling like there is something special about the day. But this year has been different... I couldn't come up with a plan, I couldn't figure out how to make the day special, and I couldn't muster up any will to care. In fact several times I said that I would rather it just be a day--that we go out to eat but just treat it like a normal day. So Katie IM's me and asks if I want to come over on Sunday to have dinner with them and Kara and Josh to celebrate my birthday and I'm like, "... uh... I guess so." And then the poor girl had to listen/read as I explained how I just wasn't into my birthday. I couldn't figure it out.

Then last night as I was driving home with Nathan I realized what it really was- I've always viewed birthdays as a chance to celebrate the past year of your life. I mean, yes there is the whole "pinch to grow an inch" but in my mind it's mainly a celebration of how much you have grown over the past year. A "look at how big you've gotten!" kind of mentality, and this year is not one that I will ever look back on fondly. It was just a little while after my birthday last year that Nathan first started experiencing the joint pain (aka the first symptoms of the leukemia). No wonder my birthday was not a time I wanted to celebrate... it's like the one time of year I introspect at all, and there has been a whole lot of pain and fear in my last year. The entire time I've been telling Nathan, "next year at this time...." and "in a year from now...." and talking about how we've just put our life "on pause" for a year.... And here we stand on the threshold of that year and while I'm incredibly grateful that it has only been a year of our lives that has been taken I couldn't help but think about being a year older and the "only" thing I have managed to accomplish in a list full of hopes for the coming year is just simply hanging in there. I know that is a big deal, and not at all an "only," but when your life has been paused and everyone around you has a life going at normal speed it doesn't really feel like it. My last birthday I fully expected that by this year I would have (or be expecting) a baby and own a home (or be close to it.) It all just made me sad and bummed out. (You know, like you are probably feeling right now, reading my flipping depressing post!)

But that's not where the story ends, because my husband, while supportive, was not going to let me back out of my birthday dinner, and I really didn't want to hurt Katie's feelings (I know, I'm such a martyr!), and Kara assured me that I would not have to wear one of those horrible cone party hats. So I had myself a little birthday pity party last night and pouted about the apartment for a while. This morning I felt better about it, and by the time we went over to Katie and Jonny's I was feeling, if not thrilled, at least generally happy. And then we walked in the door and about 20 people yelled "Surprise!" and walked out of the hallway singing "Happy Birthday" with big grins on their faces and twinkling eyes (ok I know it's cliche, but I totally saw twinkles!) And while I'm not really one to get emotional in the midst of the moment I can tell you that I'm remembering it now with tears coming to my eyes. Cause while this year has been (let's face it) one of the absolute suckiest on record for me, I have some truly wonderful people in my life, who have done all they could/knew how to make it clear that they love and support me and to let me know that I am not alone. They also reminded me of something I'd forgotten. This year I've learned how to rely on a strength that is not my own and to trust in God's plans when my own come crumbling down around me, and I think that's pretty huge.

I had a wonderful time at my party and I think everyone who came did, too. I laughed so much and talked so loudly that I'm probably gonna be hoarse in the morning. But, ya know what? From the moment that everyone started flooding out of the hallway it came back. I'm excited for my birthday on Tuesday. That (expletive) disease isn't gonna keep me down. For those of you that came, those of you that couldn't, but sent wishes through Kara, those of you who are reading my blog because you care about me and those of you who are just reading my blog because you are mildly interested in me, *thank you.* You have no idea how special you have made me feel.... a life on pause has given my relationships time to marinate- to grow stronger and develop new richness and complexity, in a really incredible way... even the ones I haven't been able to spend any time on.



So.... what do you think? Romantic different than emo, or pretty much the same thing?