Push Play

Since Nathan's diagnosis it has felt like my life has been on pause. I used to comfort us actually, by saying that our lives were just on pause and soon it would resume.

Then Nathan died and the DVD totally stopped. The disc made that screeching noise that means it stopped spinning and there was just a blue screen. (What? It's just my DVD player that makes that noise? Oh. Oh well, go with a record coming to an abrupt stop if you are more familiar with that noise... or squealing breaks... whatever. Anyway.)

After about a year the picture came back (though someone had rewound it a ways) and when I took that first class it was as if someone had pushed the play button.... but they hadn't taken pause off so my life was still running in slow motion.

And since then the speed has slowly been bumping up, every now and again.

Until now... Now it feels like I'm playing at normal speed, again.

And I'm not going to lie-- it's a little overwhelming. I'm already the type of person who will just leave things be longer than they should because I'm normally quite fine with the status quo, but there are a lot of things that are being added to my plate and I'm not used to it, yet.

Tim (the preacher at my church) is going on sabbatical at the beginning of May until late August. I'm not really taking up a lot more responsibilities there, actually. I'll be preaching a few more times, but it's not crazy.... but I *am* feeling a little more weight and expectations falling back on my shoulders as a leader.

School is hitting that very busy time, when lots of things are coming due.

Work is also hitting a heavy load time.

And then there is the whole being in a new relationship thing... Which is wonderful, but part of the problem (and part of the wonderfulness) of a new relationship is you don't want to do anything else when you are with that person... so all of your responsibilities have to get shoved into the time that you *aren't* with that person.... and of course both of you are actively trying to make the time you aren't together as small as possible, because twitterpation is for realsies.

And of course in the background of it all is are the widow issues that I'm constantly dealing with to some extent or another.

So I'm searching for balance, and finding it rather elusive. I have to learn how to get work done when I'm hanging out with Jason. (And to be clear, this is totally my problem. He tries to encourage me to do what I need to and I get all pouty and say no.) I have to learn how to actually do my homework when I have free time instead of napping or watching the last season of Eureka or trying to find a side zip hoodie. I have to learn how to clean my house and put away my stuff and do things even when I don't feel like it, because I don't have time to do it later.

So basically I'm praying that I somehow get it all accomplished by a miracle.

And I know that it shouldn't take a miracle. I know this is the normal pace of life for most people... but it's been so long since my life was going at this sort of clip that it feels like things are spinning a bit. Remember merry-go-rounds from when you were a kid? Remember how it was really hard to grab ahold and run with it and jump on if you came to it already spinning at full speed? That's a bit how it feels now that someone finally pushed play on my life.

But it's good, too. It's so good.

I'm just not sure how to both enjoy it and keep up.

A Very Big Whirlwind

I rearranged my movie collection this evening and finally found my lost Netflix... I've had "I Am Number Four" since before I moved, but it was lost and I finally found it.

I thought it was great.

Here's the thing. I don't have refined tastes in movies. I don't appreciate artsy things enough, and I can't discuss at length why I do or don't like a movie until days after the fact.

That said, Nathan was always shocked because if I said I wanted to see a movie, he normally liked it. Even if I sorta had to drag him to the screen, once he started watching it he really liked it. He called it my sixth sense about movies. Eventually he started trusting me about what movies we should see, but it did take a while. And of course there were movies that he wanted to see and enjoyed that I didn't even a little bit.

I'm speaking at church tomorrow. I'm finally starting to get a few butterflies about it. But hopefully it will all go alright. If the recording works I'll link it on here when it's posted.

And then Monday is New Grad Student Orientation.

And then Tuesday I start my Grad Assistantship

And then this weekend I go home.

And then the next Tuesday I start classes.

It's all a very big whirlwind of changes.

Honestly it might be all that stuff I'm feeling butterflies about, rather than about speaking. Who knows.

Do you ever get that tingling on the back of your neck? Like all your nerves are super alive cause you know your life is about to change?

The White Elephant in the Elevator

So there's something that I've been avoiding talking about for a while now.

In part because I don't know how some of you will respond to it. And in part because I'm not sure how I feel about it.

But that said, I really don't like edging around subjects as though they don't exist. If there is an elephant in the elevator with us I'd like to address it, and make it feel less awkward about how big it is. Maybe you won't agree with me that the elephant is white. Maybe you think it's purple and pink polka dotted. That's fine, but at least we won't be blundering about as if there isn't an elephant and standing uncomfortably close to each other but refusing to make eye contact and pretending we don't notice.

After telling Kara over a year ago that I wanted to be able to tell my story somehow she decided that I needed to be a member of the preaching team. (Just to be clear, that isn't her decision to make, she just likes talking as though what she wants is a reality.)

So I'm taking this class thing called a "preaching mentoring." It's something Tim does every now and again to find new people for the preaching team at church. With both Kara and Josh leaving in July, he sorta needed some new people. Going through the class in no way guarantees that a person will actually ever speak on a Sunday morning much less join the "team," it's just one of the necessary steps.

I agreed to do it for a few reasons. One was that I thought I wouldn't be very good, and the best way to get Kara off of a tear is to go along until she decides it was a bad idea (or a good one.) The second is that she said she would go through it again as a refresher and so that we could spend more time together. (At this point I say yes to virtually anything that gives us more time together. Your best friend moving away can get you to do all sorts of things you'd normally pass on.)

Now I'm not going to get into the complementarian/egalitarian debate... I think that's a much longer blog than I'm prepared to write... and I think it would probably be far more divisive than useful to anyone. Suffice it to say that I don't think it's a salvation issue, I would not do something that I had not researched in the Bible and prayed about (and felt it was ok,) and the only way to speak on a Sunday morning is to be invited by Tim, who also wouldn't invite someone to do something that he had not researched and prayed about and felt it was ok. And any of this is a moot argument at this point because no one's asked me to do anything as yet.

I will admit that I wasn't super jazzed about it, though. I remember my college Public Speaking class... I was not very good.

And then Kara said something I think was really smart. She said, "You know, Renée- speaking is just saying something that you've written out-loud."

I did know that, but I'd never really thought about it like that before... that Kara is so wise.

So on Tuesday I gave my 2nd speech/sermon/whatever. (Well, technically it was a revamp of the first one, but with an additional 5-10 minutes added.) And it went over really well...

And I realized that Kara might be right... and if she's right and if I am actually asked to speak on a Sunday morning, I probably needed to blog about it at some point so you aren't completely taken by surprise.

I've decided that I'm a little quirky when it comes to speaking. I know that most people really frown on using a manuscript as "notes" for a talk, but it really works for me. The most well received speeches I ever gave were manuscript speeches. (Mainly my valedictorian speech and both versions of the speeches I've given thus far.) I think as a writer, letting my mind fully form my arguments is very important. If I didn't, my mouth would sometimes get ahead of my brain and I might say things I don't actually agree with. Plus my performance background lends itself to treating a speech like a monologue... only way easier, because I am the character I'm playing and I wrote the text so I can change it on the fly if I want to.

I really do miss performing, so this scratches a tiny little part of the itch without taking up the amount of time a full show would. I guess I'm a little bit more of a showy Leo than I thought. I don't know if I wasn't trying hard enough in college, or if my teaching experience really helped something click inside me, but it looks like I'm better than I thought... I can't help but wonder if Nathan ever would have guessed I'd be in this place. I think he'd be laughing either way.

Progress!

God bless facebook. Without it I wouldn't remember about springing ahead.

I don't know if my phone knows about daylight savings... I wonder if I will be up at 2 to find out.

 I did good work today. I found this:

 

That, my friends, is a "Goodbye Kitty" poster. I purchased it in like 2005 for the sole purpose of hanging it in my dorm room to get a rise out of Kara... the girl who got a Hello Kitty sewing machine for Christmas (this year!) I recall her response being something akin to, "How could you! How could you be so cruel!?!"

Mwa ha ha ha ha!

So does anyone want this? Cause I don't anymore, but I'd love to see it go to a good home. :)

Also check out my Office closet now:

That used to be full of things... now it's full of boxes of things. Totally different!

Which means the office is pretty well packed up, except for the computer.. and everyone knows that's a last minute thing. :)

I get the keys in 6 days. Holy crap... I'm gonna just set out 6 days of clothes and pack up my bedroom closet.

Also I won't be attending my weekly engagements... I'm just going to packing things. Cause I can fit a whole lot of stuff in an apartment.... a *whole* lot of stuff.

We can't all be Janis

Feeling better tonight. Went and worked at Starbucks for a few hours and was around some people... yep, still an extrovert.

Plus I was super helpful by writing a large portion of a game document for Ryan cause he was in the weeds and let's face it, being super helpful makes me really happy. Oh, btw I'm kinda helping out with a game again... in addition to packing, moving, cleaning, writing a book, and painting my nails.

Yes, painting my nails does count as it's own large thing that I'm doing.

Actually, believe it or not I've not painted my nails for almost a week. Remember the glitter tips I had last week? Well, I loved that glitter so much that I just painted my whole nails in it... and I'm still wearing it-- because you don't really notice chips or wear on the edges when it's glitter and they are so flipping pretty-- especially in the sun.

Trust me when I say this doesn't do them justice.

Seriously the only thing I want to do is put another coat of the same color on them. Who knew that the act of painting your nails could be addictive? I thought it was just the ever changing colors, but no, apparently I just find something soothing about doing the mundane task. Though my cuticles are a lot happier with their prolonged separation from acetone.

Someone linked to an article on facebook today that I thought might be healthy for me. It's called the Rejection Game and the goal is to get rejected by someone once every day. It apparently gets you over your fear of rejection. Huh. Makes sense, but I don't know that it's something I really want to do every day... now on the other hand if I can just view every rejection I do receive as a victory, or a point... seems like there might be something to that. Cause rejection means you are taking chances... and that doesn't seem like such a bad thing.

I've given myself until March 1st before I start packing. That's Thursday and I'll probably be pretty busy until then anyway... but also I feel like I can buckle down then. It's the beginning of the weekend- and I've got 2 weekends until I move. Plus it's hard to get motivated when I think that it's February and I don't move until the middle of March. Yeah, I know that's a bit silly but I don't want to have to live around boxes for a super long time, either... it's gonna be bad enough in the two weeks before I have the keys to the new place.

I don't watch the Academy Awards, but apparently The Artist was a big deal last night? I'd never heard of it until tonight, when a friend told me about it...but now I kinda want to see it, and not just because it makes me think of Singing in the Rain. But also because of these insane reviews.

Also the next time I'm with a group of people I want to play this game that my friend Janis talked about a long time ago on her blog (but linked to today on fb)

You can see her blog here... but don't stop reading mine because you discover how freaking hilarious she is.

We can't all be Janis.

Talking bout my generation'

Today for a while Tim and I got to talking about my generation (the millennials). Apparently he'd spoken to a friend who'd said that Millennials are the most socially awkward generation, thus far, because so much interaction can be done via text (phones, e-mails, the internet, ect) so we've lost.. or never had to acquire... the proper interpersonal skills. Tim disagreed and stuck up for us, saying that he felt like every generation has a way in which they are more awkward, and we are no worse or better than any other.

I appreciated it... but it also got me to thinking. I talk to people a lot. I was a Speech/Communication teacher, for goodness sake. I enjoy interpersonal communication, and I think I have reasonable skills at it. I enjoy conversations and one on ones with friends and small groups. I like the give and take, I like the conversational flow. And heaven help me do I like witty banter! But I am a writer and I really do enjoy expressing myself through text. There is a reason why I label myself as a textrovert. I like being able to edit myself to say exactly what I mean. I like being able to be witty without having to also speak quickly/correctly. And I like to be able to express my full thought without being interrupted.

Maybe this friend of Tim's thinks the Millennials are so socially awkward in person because we are so eloquent and savvy via text. Yep that sounds totally conceited- sorry. But really. Most of the solid friendships I've made since going to college have had a strong basis in text. (There are several exceptions- especially any friendships I made through Nathan.) But much of Kara and I's friendship-- especially the early years can be charted through notes written to each other. Every summer when I went home during college I had a person who I chatted with online for hours at a time. Yes, usually it was a boy, but text is good for guys cause they can express things without having to look at the other person which really helps them. And yes, Nathan was one of the people who I maintained my friendship with via words/the internet. Especially over the summer, but we regularly sent each other e-mails and texts while living in the same small apartment.

Now, with Nathan gone I find myself returning to the old ways. Of the 5 close friends I've made since Nathan's death, three of them are almost exclusively via some sort of text (e-mail, texting, IM-ing) and the other two have a large component of the relationship communicated through writing. And even Kara and I have taken more to e-mailing or chatting via IM, lately.

Oh and don't forget everyday I pour my thoughts out to you here on my blog... and add to that I'm also writing a book (6 pages today! Woot!)

But I don't see anything wrong with this. I've discovered that I view a person's internet presence as a stand-in for their actual presence... so Kara and I chatted for several hours and I get the same sort of emotional buzz as I do from hanging out with her in person. It's not quite as high, and of course I will eventually need to see her in person to maintain our friendship in the long run... But it's a great substitute.

I'm not sure that we give enough credit to IM/Chat as a viable way maintain a friendship.. but while Nathan was in the hospital, it's almost all I did... all I could do. I have a friend who I have described as being "with me" during that last week of the hospital. That took place exclusively via IM conversations. Chat is wonderful, like that, though. It lets you get into deep conversation because pauses are allowed, whole thoughts are shared, and you can express emotions but not have to pay them with your physicality... It's a lot easier to say, "I think you are amazing" when you don't have to watch the other person wonder if that means that you have a secret crush. (And if you do have a secret crush, it keeps alive the hope that the crush is still a secret!) Though, to be fair, the reverse is also true and a bit more dangerous. It's a lot easier to write, "You really hurt me" than it is to say it... which also means it's easier to say very mean things in text format than it would be to say it when you have to see their face.

Another positive about chat is that I can connect with people at 1 in the morning when I would never really call them. But if I'm online and I see they are online... well we can hang out cyber-ly without having to hang out in person which would be harder and in some cases, rather inappropriate. This is a huge bonus for me as a crazy extrovert/night owl.

I guess I just don't see a problem with being a generation that's more aware of/ focused on written communication. Maybe I am more awkward socially than the generation before me... but in my mind all this text and writing isn't the cause, it's my solution.

Mental left

I hate it when my posts feel boring. But some days I'm just not inspired. I'm told that even when you don't have something earth-shattering to write that you should still write just because it's a good habit.... so I do. But don't think I don't know it when I've got a dud on my hands. When it's a good blog post it just seems to flow out of me and it's so easy to just write and write. When it's a not great one I just sit and stare at the screen and wonder what I should say.

Sometimes facts about my day come out. Sometimes random thoughts come out... sometimes I wax sentimental about attractive celebrities.

** abrupt mental turn**

Waiting on God is hard. I'm like Jeriah in some respects. When he wants something and doesn't get an answer he repeats himself. And when he still doesn't get an answer he repeats it louder. And louder and louder and louder until he gets an answer. That's what I do, too... I just repeat myself louder and louder and louder... I guess I want to be like the widow... Ha, that's kinda funny... but I mean the widow and the unjust judge in Luke 18

1Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart, 2saying, “In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man.3“There was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, ‘Give me legal protection from my opponent.’ 4“For a while he was unwilling; but afterward he said to himself, ‘Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, 5yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will wear me out.’” 6And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge said; 7now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? 8“I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?”

It takes a lot of perseverance to keep asking for something everyday until you wear the "opposing" party out. It seemed to be a lot easier when we were kids... why do you think that is? Are kids just used to not getting their way immediately? Or is that they have been working hard (and failing) at every accomplishment they've gotten (How often do toddlers fall down before they really master the whole walking thing?) Sometimes I wonder what Jesus would use as a parable if He were in the modern age. Would he talk about cell phone service and people who smoke and finding the perfect mechanic or would he still talk in farming stories and fishing stories.

**another abrupt mental turn**

The other day someone sent me an e-mail saying how much my blog helps them (and other people) cope with loss or grief... I'm always touched and amazed when I hear things like that. I'm so glad, to know it, too. I think that grief makes you selfish. It has to, in a way, because you have to take care of yourself to get through the pain, you have to be hyper vigilant of yourself and take care of yourself.... especially when it's your spouse, because no one else will be able to take care of you. So people finding some sort of help and comfort while I'm being totally self-centered... well it makes me feel a lot better about being self-centered for one thing.

** yet another abrupt mental turn**

I know that I have changed... I know that I have changed a lot from who I used to be... but I can't really tell how I've changed... But you don't go through a fire like that without having something burned away... I notice my own inconsistencies more, I suppose. For instance, I needed to stay home today and have some alone time. (I know, my introverted friends are sitting there with dropped jaws, right now.) And basically anything definitive that I say, I have to add a caveat to- usually within a few hours. I'm (strangely) more confident than I've ever been, and more willing to attempt to change the things about myself that I don't like. I might even have the smallest hint of ambition about me. I'm not sure that I'm better or worse than who I used to be... I certainly have far different things that I struggle with than I ever had before...

Tell me something, with all these mental right turns have I ended up where I started? Or did I just take the extra long way to take a mental left?

Don't pat me on the head

I collect the strangest of pictures and bits of information for writing my book. For instance, the other day in class I told them that I googled "blonde 9-year-old boy," and someone in class said that I was probably on a list somewhere, now.

It's true.

I've also searched for "history professor" "soccer mom" and "house floor plans"... - I had a partial house layout in my head and finding one that matched was easier than attempting to draw one... I'm not exactly an architect... Now I just need to flipping write instead of research. It helps me to have pictures of my characters, and it helps me to know these things, but it's so much incidental research... and I haven't even gotten into the fantasy world, yet. Oy vey.

Michael Buble's Christmas album is just sitting there, tempting me.

I'm pondering not putting up my tree this year... It's not even that Nathan helped me *that* much with it... he actually always kinda fought against helping because for some reason he thought he couldn't do a good job.... But that's the thing... I have really strong associations of decorating with him and I feel like putting up a Christmas tree is a family thing... and I'm missing my family this year.. I mean not all of my family.. but my own little personal family. The one who I'd made traditions with.

So maybe this is the year to break traditions... maybe this is the year to find out who I am when I'm single on the holidays... *sigh*

confession?

I don't want to learn who I am when I'm single on the holidays. But it looks like I don't have a choice, so I'd "better start getting excited."

It's really amazing how much I chafe at being patronized/ told what I think. That's something from my college days that I remembered tonight. Every once in a while in college someone would pat me on the head. And it would *tick* me off... I don't like to be patted on the head. I hate it, in fact. I want to be respected for who I am and I can't stand it when someone acts like they are older/wiser/better than me. I want people to think I'm adorable... but I don't want them to think I'm adorable because I don't know any better. My adorableness is a choice, darn it!

Yeah, I know, it's a fine line.

Also if someone tells me how I'm going to react to something I suddenly bristle. *Especially* if they don't recant when I object. There are about 2 people on this planet that can tell me that I shouldn't do something that I've decided to do. Rhonda and Kara.... and I still wouldn't like it... but I think I'd at least listen and go away and think about it... but if you aren't one of those people... well most likely I'm going to do what you said I shouldn't do and gosh darn it, even if you would have been right I'll make it so you were wrong.... and I'm smart enough to tell when someone is just using this irritation to manipulate me so then I'll just get really mad.

It's strange... I'm normally so easy going but there are these special circumstances with these rules that I couldn't even articulate but are very determined in my mind and if you cross one of these lines I get mad.

I'm such a girl, sometimes.

"I'm like a koala bear- I can't be sexy!"

Dang it! I forgot stuff in Katie and Jonny's fridge. Again. Dearest Katerina and Jonathan, I promise to rescue my things from your fridge upon the morrow. (Katie's name is actually just Katie, but I wanted to make it more formal sounding.)

Am I the only person who thinks a baked potato sounds amazing right now? As most of you read this in the morning, I going to guess, yes.

I'm considering switching up how my blog works and having "theme" days. A blogger-ess whom I read recently did this and it worked out well for her, and it might be nice for you all so that you get less whatever-randomly-falls-out-of-my-fingertips and more focused posts. But what do you think? Do you have an opinion? If you are pro-themed days what are your themed suggestions?

So tonight we broke out the chat pack and here is a fun question from it: If you had to describe your personality as a farm animal which would you choose and why?

I (as per usual with these types of questions) was stumped and made everyone else answer for me. But there was not a clear consensus. The suggestions were: A pheasant or peacock, a calf, or a show horse. I lean towards show horse, but I still don't know for sure. What do you vote for or do you think I'm a different animal all together? What do you think you are?

I love el chat pack for several reasons. I love long rambling late night conversations with friends, I think the answers are fascinating and you never know where your conversation will go. For example, tonight I learned that boys think girls' hair is sexy and the easiest way to change one's sex appeal is change one's hair. This came from a question about what what you would entitle a song about the things currently happening in your life. (and I know it's a shocker but none of this was related to my hair extensions!) Apparently everyone in the world knows this but I totally missed the train. It's amazing how clueless I still find myself, even though I consider myself a reasonably smart gal.

Recently a kid on the Glee Project said, "I'm like a koala bear- I can't be sexy!" Oh yes, this I can identify with this... at least I can some of the time. Skirts are also good for this. Guaranteed to make a gal feel sexier. And sides... Koala bears have babies... so.. I'm just sayin'...

You know, sometimes blog posts, like conversations, can end up in weird places. Only in blog form it's easy to retrace your thought pattern... and be amazed at how strangely your mind works. This is one of those times.

Maybe maybe maybe

Seriously considering at this point just staying up and not sleeping at all. Maybe that will help me to reset back to a normal setting? Probably doubtful, eh?

I feel strange. Maybe it's that I've not slept enough... Maybe it's because I went back and read some old blogs of mine tonight. Maybe it's just that I've spent too much time alone today. Maybe it's that the mess that my apartment is in is affecting my brain. Maybe it's my new sheets. Maybe it's that we are now 2 days away from my birthday.

Something about my birthday feels really big and important this year. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe it's why I'm making it a big deal... Maybe I'm making it a big deal cause I don't have Nathan to make it a big deal to so I have to make a public big deal. Maybe something actually will change. Maybe something in me will change... maybe something in the world will change.

I don't want to let go.

I'm pondering life changes tonight... What causes them to happen.. Some, yes, are just outside the realm of human control... but there are a lot more life changes that we do have control over... and some of them are just in our own head. We just have to find the strength/determination/hutspah to decide and then, do.

Yeah it's 6AM. I'm not going to bed tonight.

I'm restless. I want to listen to New Age piano solos and be in a movie montage. No, you didn't read that last sentence wrong. That's how I feel. I want to be in a movie montage. All the good stuff and skip over all the boring parts. Not forever, just to show that time has passed and things have happened. I feel like my base emotion is wistful. I hate that. What kinda mamby-pamby emotion is wistful to always be? And yet that's what I feel like I default to. It could be worse though. That is for sure and for certain.

Pianos are beautiful... I know that the cool hip thing to play is guitar... but am I the only one who finds piano-ing far more attractive in a man than guitar-ing? Of course I don't like any of the loud pounding stuff, I like my New Age Piano Solos from Pandora... you know, the pianos that sound wistful.

I'm ready. I'm ready for something to happen. I'm ready to get swept away. I'm ready to celebrate. I'm ready to laugh all night. I'm ready to come into something special. Maybe I should find a Glee club to join, cause you know, being a part of something special makes you special.

Luckily, I have a birthday and then 3 days later I have a wedding.  So the celebrating will be had in plenty. And I think that's a good thing. Celebrating is a very good thing.

Why does it feel like a snow day? Maybe it's because I'm doing something I know I shouldn't? maybe it's because of the way the early morning light is coming through the window? Maybe it's the feeling of anticipation and crackle that is hovering in the air.

Maybe it's just because I want to buy tights.

New Age piano solos might give me a trumped up idea of my own self importance. Things just feel a lot more epic with this as the background.