Push Play

Since Nathan's diagnosis it has felt like my life has been on pause. I used to comfort us actually, by saying that our lives were just on pause and soon it would resume.

Then Nathan died and the DVD totally stopped. The disc made that screeching noise that means it stopped spinning and there was just a blue screen. (What? It's just my DVD player that makes that noise? Oh. Oh well, go with a record coming to an abrupt stop if you are more familiar with that noise... or squealing breaks... whatever. Anyway.)

After about a year the picture came back (though someone had rewound it a ways) and when I took that first class it was as if someone had pushed the play button.... but they hadn't taken pause off so my life was still running in slow motion.

And since then the speed has slowly been bumping up, every now and again.

Until now... Now it feels like I'm playing at normal speed, again.

And I'm not going to lie-- it's a little overwhelming. I'm already the type of person who will just leave things be longer than they should because I'm normally quite fine with the status quo, but there are a lot of things that are being added to my plate and I'm not used to it, yet.

Tim (the preacher at my church) is going on sabbatical at the beginning of May until late August. I'm not really taking up a lot more responsibilities there, actually. I'll be preaching a few more times, but it's not crazy.... but I *am* feeling a little more weight and expectations falling back on my shoulders as a leader.

School is hitting that very busy time, when lots of things are coming due.

Work is also hitting a heavy load time.

And then there is the whole being in a new relationship thing... Which is wonderful, but part of the problem (and part of the wonderfulness) of a new relationship is you don't want to do anything else when you are with that person... so all of your responsibilities have to get shoved into the time that you *aren't* with that person.... and of course both of you are actively trying to make the time you aren't together as small as possible, because twitterpation is for realsies.

And of course in the background of it all is are the widow issues that I'm constantly dealing with to some extent or another.

So I'm searching for balance, and finding it rather elusive. I have to learn how to get work done when I'm hanging out with Jason. (And to be clear, this is totally my problem. He tries to encourage me to do what I need to and I get all pouty and say no.) I have to learn how to actually do my homework when I have free time instead of napping or watching the last season of Eureka or trying to find a side zip hoodie. I have to learn how to clean my house and put away my stuff and do things even when I don't feel like it, because I don't have time to do it later.

So basically I'm praying that I somehow get it all accomplished by a miracle.

And I know that it shouldn't take a miracle. I know this is the normal pace of life for most people... but it's been so long since my life was going at this sort of clip that it feels like things are spinning a bit. Remember merry-go-rounds from when you were a kid? Remember how it was really hard to grab ahold and run with it and jump on if you came to it already spinning at full speed? That's a bit how it feels now that someone finally pushed play on my life.

But it's good, too. It's so good.

I'm just not sure how to both enjoy it and keep up.