Do you want to be a writer?

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I was asked that today.

And I answered, "I think so?"

Then I turned the question around, "Do *you* want to be a writer?"

And with quiet sincerity was answered, "Yes... I would like that very much."

And I said that I only THOUGHT so?!? What kind of mamby-pamby answer is that??? You want to know the real answer?

Yes. I want to be a writer.

But I'm scared to say that. Because someone is always better. Because I'm afraid of setting a goal that I can't attain and then being unsatisfied with my life from then on. Because this is all new to me. I've always been good at writing. I've always enjoyed writing... but in high school it was my friend Andrea who was going to be the author. And then in college everyone was good at writing... and then Nathan was the one with all the good ideas...

And then one day someone told me I should be a writer, because of some random comment I made on facebook... and I was totally surprised and flattered. Then Nathan died. And then... it just had to get out. I had to have someone to talk to. I had so much to say and no one to tell it to... So I told it to my diary-- you know, the one that talks back to me... And then a lot of people started telling me that I am a good writer... and then I took a class where more people told me that I'm a good writer... but there is still this part of me that holds all that at an arms length. That still thinks that I'm just ok. That isn't really sure I have what it takes. Cause I've never been the writer of the group. I've been the "mom," I've been the smart kid, I've been the singer, I've been the funny one, I've been the artist and the actor and the teacher, I've been the glue... but the writer? I don't think that Nathan would have guessed that to be my chosen profession. How can I be a person that the most important person in my life didn't know? How do you let go enough to change that much?

Because I do. I want to be a writer. If I could choose my ideal profession, it would be author. It fits my life, my desire to make a difference to someone... my sleep schedule. ;) But that's an ambition- It's a serious ambition that a lot of people want and few attain and it scares the bejeepers out of me to say that it's something I want.

Seems like almost every person in the class has an entire YA novel written. Just sitting around waiting to be polished and published. I don't. I'm not even totally sold on my idea and I'm a little afraid to write it. How did they write them without deadlines?? How did they write entire books out of nothing??

Really what it comes down to is that I said "I think so" today because it's safer not to commit. I'm afraid to write a book because then there are no more excuses.

All in all, I'd prefer to change my answer, though. I'd like to change it to:

"Yes... I'd like that very much."