The emo-est of blogs

It's just so darn easy to fall back into bad sleeping patterns. Here I am... 3:26 AM. All this week I was in bed by 1... ok, it might have been 1:30, one night. But I was doing really well... and then today I got sleepy and took a nap, because I didn't have anything else to do and then...  it was 3 hours later and here I am, talking to you at 3:30 again.

*sigh*

3:30, why you gotta be so lonely?

Ok honestly it's been the whole day after about 3:30 this afternoon.

I'm struggling.

I want so badly not to care that it's possible for me to not see anyone for days. That everyone's lives seem to be moving forward and mine... mine is moving backwards. Only I'm older than everyone who is coming at it for the first time. :s Great. Because you know, youth really prizes older girls.

I was *so* happy.

and I'm really trying to be happy for other people now, but sometimes it's just really hard... Cause I want to be happy with people...  but I'm not happy. I know what happy felt like, and this isn't it.

Even during his cancer.. it was hard.. it was *so* hard. But I was happy. I just knew it was something we would get through, and be better for and stronger because of, on the other side... I didn't ever think that I'd be alone... again. And then I had to let him go because he was hurting so much.... but now I have to deal with this.

And it hurts. It hurts on special days and some days it just hurts out of nowhere and so badly... And yeah, there is a lot of it. There are a lot of days and there is a lot of pain.

Today, I found out that my uncle's brother-in-law passed away. This family isn't related to me and I've barely ever heard of them but I feel so sad for them and so jealous at the same time. I don't know how long they were married but they have a couple of  at least teenage children. To have had children with the man I loved... It sounds so simple, doesn't it? Yeah, I sound like a pretty terrible person... jealous of a woman who has just gone through what was the worst experience of my life... And not appreciative of what I have, either... Someone out there is saying, "If I could have just had 3 and a half years of marriage to the man I loved." It's just never enough, is it? Never enough time with the people who you think you can't live without.... Though honestly... this doesn't feel a whole lot like living... feels like treading water.

I was watching a tv show on DVD today and a main character's dad died. He died in January. It was snowing at the funeral. And I shed a few tears along with the cast and then I started the next show... and they talk about it in the next show, but it's a secondary line, and then by the next episode they talk about it and learn some life lessons and things are pretty well wrapped up.

Everyone has found closure and moved on.

But I'm not living in a sitcom... I wish I was, cause heaven's knows a laugh track would be a good confidence booster. I have closure. I even have the beginning of healing, but my life feels stuck in the same place it was for the first 21 years of my life and I don't want to be back here again. I'm so frustrated... and lonely.... and frustrated with being lonely, cause that's not gonna fix a darn thing. But funny enough, emotions defy logic. They aren't neat and clean and perfect. They are messy and ridiculous and annoying, and I'd hate emotions but that would just be too darn ironic.

I just want this to be fixed. I want someone to think I'm amazing. I want someone to be absolutely captivated by me. Someone who can see that I'm totally worth dealing with my emotions and messiness and non-perfection. Some one who adores me and who I can adore right back. I want someone who is my constant- my back up plan when there are no other plans. I just want someone to come home to at night and to complain because I made the living room a complete wreck with my Halloween costume sewing... I want someone to make a Halloween costume for.

I want someone to sing me this song.

But instead I'll go sleep... and don't worry. I'll feel better in the morning.

Sometimes I wonder if the late hour makes me sadder- or just more honest about how hard things are.