Creature of Habit (aka why a career is like a boyfriend, apparently)

What? Renée has written a blog post!?! That's something that doesn't happen every day... ok, well, it doesn't any more.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things, though... because, I mean, really, what else do I have going on?

So quick and dirty life update: I'm still dating Jason (he's wonderful, but would deny that if you asked him), I graduated with my Masters on Aug 1st, and (though I have been applying a lot) I've not heard back from anyone.

It's hard. I mean obviously, I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know it's all in who you know and getting the right notice at the right time and something will come along and it will be great and ect. ect. ect. But it's hard to be here. I keep saying-- this time off would be a whole lot easier to enjoy if I knew when it was going to end. If I was on an actual vacation rather than unemployed. Even the word, "unemployed" feels terrible. It makes me feel like a loser and a drain on society. If it were a choice I were making, it would be different. If I could claim a different title. If I was a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom," not having a job would be lovely and I could work and make my Etsy things and get better at quilting and paint hoodies to my heart's content (or at least I think that from this side of the fence!) I don't judge someone else for being unemployed, but boy howdy am I judging myself. It feels scummy.

It's not like I'm only looking for writing/tech writing jobs. I'm looking for administrative assistant style jobs, too. I did that for 4 years for the church and while I'd rather be doing something more project-orientated, I certainly didn't mind being an administrator and I was pretty good at it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!

Could I get a part-time job? I mean, I do have the Pixelscopic stuff when they need me and, yeah, I probably could get something in retail or food service, and if this stretches out too long I might have to, but I have some money in savings and while I don't want to blow through that either, I also don't want to take a stop-gap part time thing that stresses me out with learning a new job and slows down my ability to look for a full-time "real" job that can actually support me. Cause that's the thing. In the long run, I need something that can support me.

It's so frustrating. I mean I'm a good employee. I really think that I am, and as far as I know every supervisor I've had would say the same. I'm calm and I work well with others and I have a good work ethic and I'm personable and I learn what I need to do quickly and I do my job well. But it's not like I can just write on my resume: "You are a fool if you don't call this girl in for an interview." Cause that's very bombastic, for one, and perhaps not the greatest first impression. Should I start mailing HR departments cookies? I probably should. Sugar cookies that say, "Hire Renée, today!"

I'm not great at selling myself. I don't think in terms of numbers or scope of projects or talents. I try to be so great that other people will sell me, or somehow my previous work will sell me. I make the cookies. You tell me if they are good enough. When I have to tell you if they are good enough I want to undersell. Because maybe you don't like nuts, or maybe chocolate or cinnamon isn't your thing, or maybe (God forbid!) you like raisins in your oatmeal cookies. If I have to tell you that I'm going to blow you away then I probably won't. I will have probably raised your expectations far beyond my ability to exceed them. Or at least that's how my mind works. But I know that you can't do that on a resume, so I have done the best I can to avoid that... and yet I've still to receive any calls.

Today my phone rang and I got excited. And then I saw it was a number from Florida, but I went ahead and answered, cause you never know. "Hello?"

... "Hola!" followed by a long string of Spanish that I could not begin to keep up with.

*sigh* *End Call*

I mean... good gravy, hire me for a two-week trial period and if you don't think I do a good job, let me go. I'm pretty confident that you wouldn't, but if you've been burned by employees before, I get it. Call my references, please! Call them all. I'm not sure the Mt. Vernon principal from 2008 will have a strong recollection of me, but that's fine, you can go for it. I can put you in touch with a few of my former students, if that would help.

I sound desperate. I'm not... at least not yet. But I am serious. It's legitimately as demoralizing as trying to start dating again, only this time I can't wait for two years for the right one to come along. Oh gosh... yeah. I've just read back over this thing and it really is like dating. I even hear the same things. "Just be patient." "The right one will come along." "Stay positive, don't beat yourself up." "Try and focus on other things, too." I could literally reskin this blog and make it about boys, and it would be my blogs from like 2012.

Ha! Can't you imagine it? Here's paragraph 5 from above: "It's not like I'm only looking for brunettes. I'm into gingers, too. I never had a crush on a red head and while I'm naturally drawn to brunettes, I certainly know and love a lot of people with red hair and even tried it a time or two myself  and I looked pretty good in it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!"

*shakes my head* I guess the more things change the more they don't change even a little bit? I mean this should probably be encouraging, right? Jason certainly turned out to be pretty great, and at least I can apply for a job. You can't really submit a girlfriend application unless you have the money to hire a matchmaker.