Creature of Habit (aka why a career is like a boyfriend, apparently)

What? Renée has written a blog post!?! That's something that doesn't happen every day... ok, well, it doesn't any more.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things, though... because, I mean, really, what else do I have going on?

So quick and dirty life update: I'm still dating Jason (he's wonderful, but would deny that if you asked him), I graduated with my Masters on Aug 1st, and (though I have been applying a lot) I've not heard back from anyone.

It's hard. I mean obviously, I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know it's all in who you know and getting the right notice at the right time and something will come along and it will be great and ect. ect. ect. But it's hard to be here. I keep saying-- this time off would be a whole lot easier to enjoy if I knew when it was going to end. If I was on an actual vacation rather than unemployed. Even the word, "unemployed" feels terrible. It makes me feel like a loser and a drain on society. If it were a choice I were making, it would be different. If I could claim a different title. If I was a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom," not having a job would be lovely and I could work and make my Etsy things and get better at quilting and paint hoodies to my heart's content (or at least I think that from this side of the fence!) I don't judge someone else for being unemployed, but boy howdy am I judging myself. It feels scummy.

It's not like I'm only looking for writing/tech writing jobs. I'm looking for administrative assistant style jobs, too. I did that for 4 years for the church and while I'd rather be doing something more project-orientated, I certainly didn't mind being an administrator and I was pretty good at it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!

Could I get a part-time job? I mean, I do have the Pixelscopic stuff when they need me and, yeah, I probably could get something in retail or food service, and if this stretches out too long I might have to, but I have some money in savings and while I don't want to blow through that either, I also don't want to take a stop-gap part time thing that stresses me out with learning a new job and slows down my ability to look for a full-time "real" job that can actually support me. Cause that's the thing. In the long run, I need something that can support me.

It's so frustrating. I mean I'm a good employee. I really think that I am, and as far as I know every supervisor I've had would say the same. I'm calm and I work well with others and I have a good work ethic and I'm personable and I learn what I need to do quickly and I do my job well. But it's not like I can just write on my resume: "You are a fool if you don't call this girl in for an interview." Cause that's very bombastic, for one, and perhaps not the greatest first impression. Should I start mailing HR departments cookies? I probably should. Sugar cookies that say, "Hire Renée, today!"

I'm not great at selling myself. I don't think in terms of numbers or scope of projects or talents. I try to be so great that other people will sell me, or somehow my previous work will sell me. I make the cookies. You tell me if they are good enough. When I have to tell you if they are good enough I want to undersell. Because maybe you don't like nuts, or maybe chocolate or cinnamon isn't your thing, or maybe (God forbid!) you like raisins in your oatmeal cookies. If I have to tell you that I'm going to blow you away then I probably won't. I will have probably raised your expectations far beyond my ability to exceed them. Or at least that's how my mind works. But I know that you can't do that on a resume, so I have done the best I can to avoid that... and yet I've still to receive any calls.

Today my phone rang and I got excited. And then I saw it was a number from Florida, but I went ahead and answered, cause you never know. "Hello?"

... "Hola!" followed by a long string of Spanish that I could not begin to keep up with.

*sigh* *End Call*

I mean... good gravy, hire me for a two-week trial period and if you don't think I do a good job, let me go. I'm pretty confident that you wouldn't, but if you've been burned by employees before, I get it. Call my references, please! Call them all. I'm not sure the Mt. Vernon principal from 2008 will have a strong recollection of me, but that's fine, you can go for it. I can put you in touch with a few of my former students, if that would help.

I sound desperate. I'm not... at least not yet. But I am serious. It's legitimately as demoralizing as trying to start dating again, only this time I can't wait for two years for the right one to come along. Oh gosh... yeah. I've just read back over this thing and it really is like dating. I even hear the same things. "Just be patient." "The right one will come along." "Stay positive, don't beat yourself up." "Try and focus on other things, too." I could literally reskin this blog and make it about boys, and it would be my blogs from like 2012.

Ha! Can't you imagine it? Here's paragraph 5 from above: "It's not like I'm only looking for brunettes. I'm into gingers, too. I never had a crush on a red head and while I'm naturally drawn to brunettes, I certainly know and love a lot of people with red hair and even tried it a time or two myself  and I looked pretty good in it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!"

*shakes my head* I guess the more things change the more they don't change even a little bit? I mean this should probably be encouraging, right? Jason certainly turned out to be pretty great, and at least I can apply for a job. You can't really submit a girlfriend application unless you have the money to hire a matchmaker.

Me and the Boys

Friendships with girls aren't as easy for me as friendships with guys. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before- I don't normally feel that instantaneous click with girls. I mean ya'll know how close Kara and I are, but we didn't have the insta-click at all. I have about three distinct memories from the first year I knew Kara... and I never would have guessed she'd be my best friend someday from those memories. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I've ever just fallen into an instantaneous friendship with a girl. Don't get me wrong, I have some *stellar* girlfriends who are closer to me than anyone else. But we had to work it to that state.

Heck, it took Rhonda and I about 16 years to become friends.

If you use the relationship points idea, the people who you "click" with start with like 15 extra base points and a double refill rate. Now several of my gal-pals and I have reached a quadruple refill  rate... but we still had to fight up those 15 points and gain experience to make our refill rate so fast.

So here's something I *just* put together.

I just put it together because I'm kinda clueless when it comes to my own reactions and why I act the way that I do.

I've talked a lot about how there are certain people who I just click with, but I realized only recently many of the people who I have that feeling with have some similarities. Namely:

1) They are male.

2) They grew up in a small town... or even more so, they grew up *outside* of a small town- maybe even on a farm.

Now please understand, I'm just referring to friendships here. Nathan does fall in this category but he falls into *every* category, and there are a lot of guys who I'm referring to that I have no romantic inclination towards- who are married or taken or I just don't have an interest in. Nathan is the exception, not the rule.

And also, please note that the "rapport" feeling I have with a said person may be one-sided. I'm thinking of the people who I feel like I sort of instinctively understand and they seem to get me. They might not feel the same about me, and they may not, in fact, understand me as well as I feel like they do.

And there are some guys who I don't click with who are from small towns, so there is obviously more to it than all this, but I think I've unearthed a pretty significant piece of the puzzle.

But still, I can think of no fewer than 10 guys just off the top of my head who I've clicked with instantaneously or near instantaneously.

I can't think of a single girl.

And every single one of those guys is "from" a small town. (I use the quotes around from, because many of them are actually from a house/farm out in the country *near* a small town.)

Weird, right?

I think it's something to do with shared culture...

...and I was really close with my boy cousins growing up??

...and...well I don't know what else. Familiarity? Comfort? Understanding? Cheesecake?

Probably not cheesecake.

You'd think this would translate into making it easier for me to find a boyfriend, wouldn't you.

Not so much, turns out.

A Jackal Story

I was downtown tonight. My friend Kara T. (Not to be confused with Kara G who I've been known to wax eloquent about on occasion.) wanted to go see Hunger Games. I wasn't that thrilled to do so, but I don't mind having at least a passing knowledge of this trend though I don't have any plans to actually read the books. My distaste for distopias is probably fodder for a different blog but suffice it to say, I really don't care for them. So a few hours at a movie is about all I can or want to handle to gain this knowledge.

But the important thing is that we went to the Hollywood Theatre downtown. *sigh* I really like downtown but it sure does bring out the worst in society and tell them to go ahead and just be themselves.

So we left the theater at midnight and our car was in a parking lot across the street.

I was wearing a black skirt and a gray t-shirt-like top. (Though I had a jogging jacket over it) I had on black wedges and my hair was in three buns at the nape of my neck. This was my outfit all day long. (Also I always wear shorts under a skirt unless the skirt is floor length, because it just makes me feel more at ease.)

So as we approached the corner of the street to get to the parking lot where our car was, some dude yelled out his window, "Hey, no prostitution!"

 I wanted to yell back, "Hey, no idiocy!"

I didn't.

What a Jackal. (Jackal is not the animal that starts with "jack" that I want to call him, but I'm a good girl, I am!)

It does make me feel better to think how bad he would feel if he could somehow emotionally connect to the fact that he just called a 28 year old widow a prostitute because she happened to be crossing a street with a skirt and heels on.

I don't have much respect for him, but I have to believe that somewhere under that jerky exterior is a boy who his mother loves... who probably has a sensitive side and loves his dog... or will love his kids... or was bullied in school. He yelled to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn't checking me out, or to show off to his buddies, or because he has the worst sense of humor in the world. He forgot that the person he was yelling at was a human being, because we are all so wrapped up in the drama of our own life we forget that just because we don't know them doesn't mean they aren't flesh and blood... 

But we are. If I could have I would have yelled, "Hey! I was a virgin on my wedding day. I stood by my husband's side through 16 months of cancer. I took care of him through much of it. I live in a world without him there every. single. day. I don't deserve your cruelty." And I kinda hope that someday God lets the jackal know who he was yelling at.

But that's up to God, not me.

And so, after my little venting blog, I'll forgive him. That kind of bitterness will only serve to hurt me... it's possible he has already forgotten.

*sigh* Turning the other cheek is not easy to do.

Thoughts

The other day I put on a shirt that used to be too tight in the arms and it wasn't anymore.

Yes!

I haven't hung out with guys in a really long time... and all the girls in my life are excited about "girl time" and while I definitely want to be included in that... I kinda wish there were more co-ed functions. But I don't want to always be the odd one out in a group of couples... We need to have a fabulous church mixer or something... Someone find me a matchmaker!

I did have writing group tonight, with two boys... it was rather nice... though I missed my girl counterpart.

There is just not enough biting sarcasm and quiet droll-ness in my life.

That said, there is lots and lots of sensitivity to my feelings and talking things through.

Huzzah. :s

Seriously. I'm complaining about this?? No wonder my subconscious doesn't know if I'm a guy or a girl.

But a balance is good, and I'm lacking a lot of balance right now.

I was saying today that sometimes I get afraid that I'll settle just because I get lonely... and the girls that I was talking to were just like, "Noooo. You won't. That's not in your nature. I don't think you could even if you wanted to. You know exactly what you want, and you won't be ok with less."

It was nice... reassuring that 1) I still don't always know myself that well.

and 2) My friends do know me that well.

I'm glad that if even if I can't predict myself, others can.

And in a totally unpredictable move, I think I'm gonna make lemon bars tomorrow... yeah, didn't see that one coming, didja?

or maybe brownies.....