In the absence

Kara and I were talking the other night about the preaching mentoring class and Nathan, and she said, "Nathan would have been supportive.... Shocked as hell, but supportive."

I laughed and I said, "Nathan wouldn't have believed us if we told him."

And she laughed, because it's totally true, and then she pointed out. "Well, Nathan would be going through it. I mean I think that's a foregone conclusion. Anyone who knew Nathan knows that he would have been going through it, it was just a matter of time."

And I agreed, because I did, in fact, know Nathan. And then one of us... I'm not sure if it was her or me mentioned that if Nathan were here, I probably wouldn't be doing the mentoring. And that's when Kara got a little verclemnt.

We've often talked how in marriage a spouse takes up the slack, wherever there is slack. That means that if one person is sorta a big ideas person and the other is kinda a details person, when they get in a relationship they will polarize. If one person is a little bit shy-er and one person is generally more gregarious then they will each tend to become more so. Both of those examples are things that happened with Nathan and I. But since his death (as I've mentioned over and over) I've changed, and Kara drew the analogy that it's actually rather similar to the marriage thing.. but that in the absence of Nathan I've taken up some of the slack that he left.

Not in that I've reverted to my "original" state, but that being married to him really did change me- That "becoming one in Christ" is more than a lovely metaphor-- and that a part of Nathan lives on in me... In some ways I'm now more Nathan than I am Renee. Nathan was the outgoing one... but I'm picking that up. Nathan was the confident one... but I'm learning. Nathan is the one who would have been in preaching mentoring. Nathan is the one who would make good friends with people just by being in class with them. Nathan is the one who gave a little bit of himself to everyone he knew. I didn't think I had much to say, I didn't talk to my classmates unless I already knew them- or they befriended me. I gave all that I was to my friends, but if you weren't "in" then I gave nothing of myself.

But now, as Kara said, I'm really living for more than just me. In the absence of Nathan a little bit of him has been overwritten on me. I've held on to some of the best of him.

I mentioned to her that is why I didn't change my name back to Miller. A few people asked me soon after he died, if I would change my name back. It was never even something I considered. Dunn is what my last name is, now. Nathan caused that fundamental of a change. My name should be different than what it was when I was born... It should be partly his. And that's the reason for the tattoo... because my last name may not always be Dunn, but now I will always have a symbol of the change that has been wrought in my life.

Kara wondered outloud if Nathan and I had just met if we would still even find each other as attractive.
I think she said something to the effect of, "I mean not that he loved that you were a mouse or anything, but he did like to be the one in the spotlight." I laughed and responded.

I'm not expecting that a new man in my life will be very much like Nathan. Especially not the Nathan that I first met and fell in love with. But honestly, I don't think even using the "updated" Nathan they will be much alike. Oh, there will be a few things. I think he'll encourage the best in me. I think he'll have some sort of artistic talent. I think he'll have a strong faith... but everything else? I don't really even know for sure what it is that this version of me needs, so I have no idea what he'll be like. Nathan came as a lovely surprise---all these things that I didn't even know I wanted until I had them... I expect another guy will be much the same. I'm certainly not looking for another Nathan... I'd never find him.

One note that I think is obvious, but I need to say- this is all with the understanding that if Nathan were still alive we would still be very much in love. I wouldn't be this different and we would have been evolving together and we would be looking forward to our 5th anniversary in July with all the excitement that we looked forward to our 1st anniversary. The only scenario in which I would be thinking and saying things like this, is the scenario I find myself in.

You know, it still surprises me sometimes. How did something this dramatic happen to me? It's not the type of thing that happens to the country girl from the middle of nowhere.

Except apparently, it is.

Salesman's Nightmare

It's amazing how intimidating writing something can be.. every night I keep thinking it will be the night I sit down and start cranking out a script... (one act or reader's theatre is the next assignment.) And then I do no cranking. I have a few ideas... but I think I'm waiting for that flash of inspiration... I need to just start writing and then it will hit I think... yet I let myself be intimidated. Deadlines are great though... I think if I become a real-life author it will be slightly easier because I will have deadlines... Of course maybe not, since I don't actually have any idea how being an author works, except for what I see on TV/Movies.

Did I tell you the story of my nail?

One day Renée went to go get her mail. But instead of reaching into the mailbox, Renée just slammed her hand into the side of her mail cubby. It hurt really bad, and she might have even said a bad word in her head. When she looked at her hand her pinkie nail had started to rip and the whole nail was slightly cockeyed. Now it's hard for Renée to type because she can't really use her pinkie.

The moral of the story is: Don't be a clutz.

akimbo is a fabulous word, don't you think?

Akimbo and amuck.

I'm getting pastries in the mail sometime this week. Isn't that just fabulous?

Someone remind me to do laundry tomorrow. I need clean clothes.

I think that I've determined that I view a person's online presence as nearly the same thing as their actual presence. Perhaps why I love facebook so much? I think that I'm odd for this.

I've had two conversations in two days about the relationship between a husband and wife, and how it works... and I've realized that 1) I have super traditional thoughts on this and 2) it's not necessarily how most people think. I was talking to a friend who told me I needed to move to New Zealand- long story. But anyway I refused because I would need at least half of my friendship circle to move as well to be able to make it in a different country. But then I said, if a New Zealand guy came over, swept me off my feet, and married me then I'd move, cause I'd move to New Zealand for my husband. My friend said, "That must be some cool guy." (well, obviously if I'm marrying him!) But I said, "You got that wrong- I'm a cool chick... and sides... if we are married then... well... we're married." And then again today I was talking to someone else about this and wives kinda decreeing what the guy is going to do with his life... and I said... But that just doesn't make sense... cause I mean if the other person cares about something and is passionate about it... you support them.

Am I setting the feminist movement back 100 years by saying that my natural inclination is to support/follow my husband where he goes? I don't think so? I'm not saying that I can't have a career, or that he shouldn't support my passions and desires as well... but I wouldn't stand in his way just because I was uncomfortable with a new city or because I had a different plan for our life. And my first instinct is to think of his needs... just like he should be thinking of mine.

Of course I don't want to be told I have to make those kind of sacrifices, either. I want to feel like I'm choosing to make them... so perhaps I have a bit of a stubborn streak after all. I really don't respond well to being told how I should do something or only being given 2 options. I tend to balk.... and then create a third option for myself.

I am a salesman's nightmare.

And salesmen are mine.

Much Ado about 27

I have bronze fingernails with sparkly blue bases... Why is it that the only place my creativity is willing to surface lately is in nail art?

I have a confession. I love glow-sticks. I love glow-sticks so much that I hoard them, not wanting to waste them on a night where I don't spend enough time awake in the dark. Which is pretty much every night, I think. Maybe I should turn off my lights at night... save energy and rock out the glow-sticks.

I swear sometimes I really am 7.

Ok, fine. 27. At least for one week and one day more.

So something recently brought to my attention... Have you heard of the 27 club? With the death of Amy Winehouse I've seen in the news and on facebook a couple of articles referencing the 27 Club... which is a group of musicians who died at the age of 27. Many of them were considered to be geniuses. Many of them were manic depressive. Many of them were substance abusers. This list includes Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendricks, Jim Morrison, and Kurt Cobain. All died at 27. Maybe it's a good thing that my birthday is coming up... maybe it's a really impressive thing that I've gotten through these last 6 months... maybe 27 is a more tender age than it seems... it's mind boggling to me that all of these people were only 27 though... They were able to make such a lasting impression by the age of 27... What have I done? I've been so happy and I've survived... I guess that's more than they can say.

I think I may need to be careful there...  It may become really easy to idealize how happy I was when I was married. I mean compared to where I am now I was blissfully happy... but part of that is that I'd never had a major grief event in my life. I'd yet to accept that someone I loved could die... I thought I could keep them here just by sheer force of my love... that didn't work. And while I look back and pretty much only remember being happy, I still seemed to have plenty to complain about at the time. And though I do think that Nathan and I had extra grace because God knew we wouldn't have as much time with each other as we would have liked and so we wouldn't waste it fighting, we did still fight. I had frustrations with him, he had frustrations with me... yes, we were happy, and yes we were in love, but he really could drive me up a wall. I hated how his phone was always on vibrate so I couldn't get a hold of him half the time when I wanted him. I didn't like his temper at all, and the way he drove when he got mad about something would in turn make me so mad that I fumed. I mean... marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it's silent fuming and pouting and snapping at each other... but it's also settling into love... getting comfortable in it and wearing it around like a Snuggie. It's trading in some of those butterflies for knowing looks and inside jokes. It's easy to look back now and see how happy and wonderful things were even when they were tense and grumpy... but at the time I just felt tense and grumpy. I think I need to remember these things, cause while laughing with each other at 1 AM happens,  offended silences happen as well, and it could be easy to cultivate unreasonable expectations that a human being wouldn't be able to live up to.

Come on, 28. You've got to be better than 27 in terms of life events. All you gotta do is not completely suck. Ready? Go!... ok fine, you've got one week and one day to get ready and then... Go!

You know if I weren't 2 weeks late this wouldn't be a problem. Sheesh, baby me, what were you thinking??

PS I watched 5 episodes of Dawson's Creek tonight... Good use of my time, eh?