I try not to play the "what-if" game very often, but today it seems to be following me around a little bit. Walking across campus I found myself thinking about how much I love being in school... and wondering if I would be in school right now if Nathan were still here.
I'm not sure that I would be. I think I would be a mom right now, with not-enough-time for going-to-school-ness.
And then I watched the season finale of Parenthood.
And there were some scenes of the couple in which the wife has breast cancer that were super reminiscent of my life... and I remembered that relapse happens... and so it's possible that even if Nathan hadn't died we might still be dealing with the same things. I might still be dealing with the stuff that we had already been fighting for so long. Only it would have been 2 more years. I've been a widow at this point for longer than Nathan had cancer. I can't imagine how hard and scary it would be to go through everything that we did and have everyone celebrate being "done" and then for a relapse to happen.
And I can't imagine what doing it all over again would have done to me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of times I play the "what-if" game with the perfect scenario. What if Nathan had never died and everything had gone just according to plan?
But there is a flip side to that, too. What if Nathan had never died but had been constantly suffering for the last two years? That doesn't even bear pondering it hurts so badly. What if Nathan suffered for 2 years and then died this week? What if I had been laid off and then he relapsed? What if we had adopted a baby and then I lost Nathan? There are so many terrible scenarios that could have played out and didn't.
Don't get me wrong. If I could have my life back as I planned it to go, I would take it. But if life held any more pain for him... well, I guess I'm glad it wasn't my choice to make.
Showing posts with label Nathan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nathan. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
Two Years Ago, Today.
Two years ago I went to sleep on the night of January 20th, totally exhausted, but happy that the next day was a Friday. Fridays meant that I didn't work so I just had to take care of Nathan and we didn't have any doctor appointments so it was only the ever-present cycle of medication monitoring, diabetes regulating, heating pad/pillow adjustment and whatever else Nathan needed or would let me do to try and make him more comfortable.
He hadn't been able to sleep lying down in months, so I went to bed alone, as usual. I hadn't slept next to him for about three and a half months except once at the hospital when they moved another bed next to his and let me sleep in it. That was one of the hardest things, because we were always touching while sleeping. Sometimes it was just an arm or a leg but we were normally completely tangled up with each other. Even now I ache for the comfort, reassurance, and safety that sleeping next to my husband gave me.
I went to bed around two, I think, after either taking off or putting on his compression socks- not sure which, now, either was nearly a form of torture for both of us. Nathan slept- what little the pain would let him sleep- in the living room in his recliner. At this point I was always so exhausted and he wasn't able to yell loudly enough to wake me up if he needed something so he would call my cell phone (which I kept by my pillow at full volume) to wake me up. When my phone rang I would roll out of bed not even completely conscious- just knowing he needed me. I controlled the pain meds at this point. Not because he might have gotten addicted-- he was hurting enough that wouldn't be possible, but because he wasn't lucid enough to remember things like how many he had taken and what time he last took them at. Even I had to write it down- there was so much to remember.
He usually needed me once or twice a night... if the pain was really bad a lot more often than that. At this point Nathan had the walker and we had a toilet riser and handles around the toilet, but he still needed my help. So there was usually a bathroom trip in the night. The bathroom was ten, maybe fifteen, feet from his chair. The trip there and back completely exhausted him and would usually take at least thirty minutes. It had taken up to an hour before. There are so many things about ambulation that we just take for granted. Nathan needed the walker even to get around our tiny apartment and he hated it so much. This was the guy who would play Ultimate Frisbee for hours without stopping. Who would chase squirrels and climb trees for no reason whatsoever.
Anyway, on this night I went to bed at 2AM, hoping that we might be able to get three or four hours in before the next pain med dosage. I was shocked when I woke up at 8AM and Nathan hadn't called me. I went into the living room and checked on him, but he was sleeping... well, it never looked comfortable, but peacefully. I was so excited. I thought maybe we were hitting an upswing. He'd done so well immediately after the bone marrow transplant. I just wanted him to get past all this terrible pain and start feeling better. I went straight back to bed, after I knew he was ok. In hindsight I know that he was sleeping so well because he could no longer feel the worst of the pain, but I didn't know that then and I was so tired and so happy.
He finally called me again at noon. Later, I would be so grateful for all the sleep I'd gotten that night, because when he called me and I stumbled into the living room he told me that he couldn't move or feel his legs. He had to explain it to me twice, because I couldn't understand it. I didn't understand how someone could become paralyzed from the waist down overnight. And then I freaked out. I totally and completely freaked, and he was there, making me come over to him so he could hug me. Telling me that it was going to be ok. Calming me down so I could call his bone marrow transplant physician at Barnes and then the ambulance to come get him, and his mom so she knew what was happening. He did that until the very end, always the one offering comfort rather than asking for it. Such an incredible man.
We spent the rest of that day in the Springfield ER, figuring out what to do and then they decided to transfer him to Barnes. Paula arrived and we ended up driving to St. Louis at around midnight, and spending most of the next day in their ER. Nathan had surgery Saturday night to try and drain the fluid around his spinal column that was pinching the nerve and not allowing him to move/feel his legs. He was sedated for the pain (and I think his O2 levels were low so they had intubated him as well?) at that point so Paula and I decided that he would want to go ahead with the surgery. It would only give him an 8% chance of being able to regain the use of his legs, and it was risky, but without the surgery he had a zero percent chance. After the surgery he would have had to wear a back brace for two months or so, I think, but we agreed that if there was any chance then Nathan would take it. He had to be able to run again, someday. He had to.
I didn't sleep until Sunday morning I think. He made it through the surgery well, but we wouldn't know if it had done anything until he woke up and probably not even then, what with the swelling brought on by the surgery. They brought him out of sedation sometime on Sunday, and his legs were the same, but we knew there might not be immediate results. Paula and I set up a rotating shift at the hospital. I had nights and I'd come in whenever I woke up for the days, but that way Nathan was only alone during the ICU mandated "no visitor" hours and we could speak to the doctors whenever they came in. Nathan was still highly drugged for all of this, which offered much laughter, even if it was slightly desperate laughter. At one point a male nurse was in the room, talking to Nathan about his pain and Nathan said, "Hey, When do I get my slippers?" The nurse asked him what he meant and Nathan said, "They said I would get some slippers. I want my free slippers, dammit."
The guy asked Nathan where he was and Nathan said he didn't know and the nurse said, "Well, Nathan you are at Barnes-Jewish. They don't give anything away for free here."
Nathan sort of drunkenly murmured, "Yeah, that's the truth." I just laughed.
He developed pneumonia at some point- one that antibiotics and anti-virals did nothing to fight, and the pnuemonia is what actually killed him, on the morning of Jan 29th. I'm not going to blog about the very last days. If you want to know about them, you can read this post. I just haven't really talked about this part before, and I guess I sorta wanted to explain why I might not seem much like myself this week, or why I might make decisions that run counter to my "norm."
I guess I really just wanted to feel like I wasn't the only person who had this information. Like someone else understands, even if just by proxy, a bit of what it was like-- two years ago, today.
He hadn't been able to sleep lying down in months, so I went to bed alone, as usual. I hadn't slept next to him for about three and a half months except once at the hospital when they moved another bed next to his and let me sleep in it. That was one of the hardest things, because we were always touching while sleeping. Sometimes it was just an arm or a leg but we were normally completely tangled up with each other. Even now I ache for the comfort, reassurance, and safety that sleeping next to my husband gave me.
I went to bed around two, I think, after either taking off or putting on his compression socks- not sure which, now, either was nearly a form of torture for both of us. Nathan slept- what little the pain would let him sleep- in the living room in his recliner. At this point I was always so exhausted and he wasn't able to yell loudly enough to wake me up if he needed something so he would call my cell phone (which I kept by my pillow at full volume) to wake me up. When my phone rang I would roll out of bed not even completely conscious- just knowing he needed me. I controlled the pain meds at this point. Not because he might have gotten addicted-- he was hurting enough that wouldn't be possible, but because he wasn't lucid enough to remember things like how many he had taken and what time he last took them at. Even I had to write it down- there was so much to remember.
He usually needed me once or twice a night... if the pain was really bad a lot more often than that. At this point Nathan had the walker and we had a toilet riser and handles around the toilet, but he still needed my help. So there was usually a bathroom trip in the night. The bathroom was ten, maybe fifteen, feet from his chair. The trip there and back completely exhausted him and would usually take at least thirty minutes. It had taken up to an hour before. There are so many things about ambulation that we just take for granted. Nathan needed the walker even to get around our tiny apartment and he hated it so much. This was the guy who would play Ultimate Frisbee for hours without stopping. Who would chase squirrels and climb trees for no reason whatsoever.
Anyway, on this night I went to bed at 2AM, hoping that we might be able to get three or four hours in before the next pain med dosage. I was shocked when I woke up at 8AM and Nathan hadn't called me. I went into the living room and checked on him, but he was sleeping... well, it never looked comfortable, but peacefully. I was so excited. I thought maybe we were hitting an upswing. He'd done so well immediately after the bone marrow transplant. I just wanted him to get past all this terrible pain and start feeling better. I went straight back to bed, after I knew he was ok. In hindsight I know that he was sleeping so well because he could no longer feel the worst of the pain, but I didn't know that then and I was so tired and so happy.
He finally called me again at noon. Later, I would be so grateful for all the sleep I'd gotten that night, because when he called me and I stumbled into the living room he told me that he couldn't move or feel his legs. He had to explain it to me twice, because I couldn't understand it. I didn't understand how someone could become paralyzed from the waist down overnight. And then I freaked out. I totally and completely freaked, and he was there, making me come over to him so he could hug me. Telling me that it was going to be ok. Calming me down so I could call his bone marrow transplant physician at Barnes and then the ambulance to come get him, and his mom so she knew what was happening. He did that until the very end, always the one offering comfort rather than asking for it. Such an incredible man.
We spent the rest of that day in the Springfield ER, figuring out what to do and then they decided to transfer him to Barnes. Paula arrived and we ended up driving to St. Louis at around midnight, and spending most of the next day in their ER. Nathan had surgery Saturday night to try and drain the fluid around his spinal column that was pinching the nerve and not allowing him to move/feel his legs. He was sedated for the pain (and I think his O2 levels were low so they had intubated him as well?) at that point so Paula and I decided that he would want to go ahead with the surgery. It would only give him an 8% chance of being able to regain the use of his legs, and it was risky, but without the surgery he had a zero percent chance. After the surgery he would have had to wear a back brace for two months or so, I think, but we agreed that if there was any chance then Nathan would take it. He had to be able to run again, someday. He had to.
I didn't sleep until Sunday morning I think. He made it through the surgery well, but we wouldn't know if it had done anything until he woke up and probably not even then, what with the swelling brought on by the surgery. They brought him out of sedation sometime on Sunday, and his legs were the same, but we knew there might not be immediate results. Paula and I set up a rotating shift at the hospital. I had nights and I'd come in whenever I woke up for the days, but that way Nathan was only alone during the ICU mandated "no visitor" hours and we could speak to the doctors whenever they came in. Nathan was still highly drugged for all of this, which offered much laughter, even if it was slightly desperate laughter. At one point a male nurse was in the room, talking to Nathan about his pain and Nathan said, "Hey, When do I get my slippers?" The nurse asked him what he meant and Nathan said, "They said I would get some slippers. I want my free slippers, dammit."
The guy asked Nathan where he was and Nathan said he didn't know and the nurse said, "Well, Nathan you are at Barnes-Jewish. They don't give anything away for free here."
Nathan sort of drunkenly murmured, "Yeah, that's the truth." I just laughed.
He developed pneumonia at some point- one that antibiotics and anti-virals did nothing to fight, and the pnuemonia is what actually killed him, on the morning of Jan 29th. I'm not going to blog about the very last days. If you want to know about them, you can read this post. I just haven't really talked about this part before, and I guess I sorta wanted to explain why I might not seem much like myself this week, or why I might make decisions that run counter to my "norm."
I guess I really just wanted to feel like I wasn't the only person who had this information. Like someone else understands, even if just by proxy, a bit of what it was like-- two years ago, today.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Unfair
Last night I was trying to write when I was hit with some pretty intense upper back pain. I think that it was from taking a nap and sleeping on it wrong and then sitting strangely on the couch while writing... Well, to be honest, I sit strangely pretty often... always have.
Anyway, I was trying to write, but pretty soon I couldn't. So I went and took a couple of Tylenol because that's a muscle relaxant, and I dug out my heating pad and put it on my back and waited.
And there was no position that made it hurt any less and it took quite some time before it I started to feel even mildly better... and it made me cry. It didn't make me cry because my back hurt so much, though it was rather painful. I cried because Nathan went through that... only his didn't end with a few tylenol, a heating pad and some sleep. It kept going for months and months on end. And it just made me even more aware of how amazing he was and how sad I am that he had to hurt for so long.
I hate how unfair life is sometimes. He didn't deserve the pain he went through.
I miss him. Still.
Always.
 |
| Yep. |
And there was no position that made it hurt any less and it took quite some time before it I started to feel even mildly better... and it made me cry. It didn't make me cry because my back hurt so much, though it was rather painful. I cried because Nathan went through that... only his didn't end with a few tylenol, a heating pad and some sleep. It kept going for months and months on end. And it just made me even more aware of how amazing he was and how sad I am that he had to hurt for so long.
I hate how unfair life is sometimes. He didn't deserve the pain he went through.
I miss him. Still.
Always.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Blighted
Today a friend of mine (whom I met via the hospital) had her last IV chemotherapy. After 32 months she is finally finished.
I read about it on facebook.
Immediately after that was a status about it being someone's last day of work before they got married.
One time during the treatment process they told Nathan that they would be removing his port. We were really excited and it was all scheduled and then they took him back there and decided they couldn't do it (because of platelets or something.)
He was so upset.
We left the little office area and he got to the hall and he just slumped down the wall, tears rolling down his face. So disappointed, so upset, so devastated, because this symbol of his cancer remained in him. He'd set his hopes so hard on this one thing, and when it was taken away from him... It was the only time I ever saw him crack in public.
There are so many babies at my church. Everywhere you turn on a Sunday morning there is a baby... And that's just the people who have stayed... there are at least two other babies who have moved away.
And Nathan's cousins just had their third,
And one of the Pixelscopic guys is going to have a son within the next two weeks or so,
And Rhonda is due in November...
And I sorta feel like Nathan... slumped against a wall in the hospital because I can't hold it together any more...sitting in some random hallway with tears running down my face.
And it's not that I don't want people to complete their leukemia treatments.
And it's not that I want people to stop getting married.
And it's certainly not that I don't want people to have babies. I love babies.
I just... want to be able to join in. It makes me sad that Nathan never got to say he was done with leukemia treatments. And it makes me sad that I'm not married anymore and it makes me sad that I can't get pregnant (at least not in accordance with my morals.) But it's more than sad... I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I'm devastated.
My life isn't bad... it really isn't... but my hopes were set so hard on having a family. And all this other stuff... it's a really fun, interesting, great distraction. But in the back of my mind there is always this discomfort. I think I've managed to coat it enough to make it a pearl, but it's not like it goes away. My life has been blighted by Nathan's cancer and I don't know if it's ever going to grow properly again, no matter how much I long for it.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Stuff and Nonsense
Am I ridiculous?
Yeah, a bit.
But if being ridiculous is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Why?
Because I have pansies on my fingertips and people who aren't a bit ridiculous would never end up with pansies at their fingertips.
I kinda wanna follow that up with a nonsense poem... or the Gettysburg Address, which is very much not nonsense.
I liked the last Batman movie- It felt less dark than "The Dark Knight," which I was glad to be watching with a large group of people, only half of whom were paying attention.
A super fun sinus headache made the IMAX slightly less enjoyable, but only because it looked like I was crying the whole time cause those headaches make my eye water- just one. Yes, that does happen to be incredibly annoying. Plus I didn't have any Kleenex in my purse. It was a rough day in Mudville.
But today I got my Blackbird Cathedral CD and poster. That's exciting in and of itself, but it also means that I can tell people something that I've been keeping quiet about.
Blackbird Cathedral made their album in Memoriam of Nathan. I didn't know about it until probably this time last year. (A long time after I wrote this blog post.) And I kept it quiet. I didn't even tell Kara.
But I was touched. I still am, honestly.
Nathan would have been so honored.
Yeah, a bit.
But if being ridiculous is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Why?
Because I have pansies on my fingertips and people who aren't a bit ridiculous would never end up with pansies at their fingertips.
 |
| Tutorial on the pansies found here: http://blognailedit.blogspot.com/2012/01/such-pansy.html |
I kinda wanna follow that up with a nonsense poem... or the Gettysburg Address, which is very much not nonsense.
I liked the last Batman movie- It felt less dark than "The Dark Knight," which I was glad to be watching with a large group of people, only half of whom were paying attention.
A super fun sinus headache made the IMAX slightly less enjoyable, but only because it looked like I was crying the whole time cause those headaches make my eye water- just one. Yes, that does happen to be incredibly annoying. Plus I didn't have any Kleenex in my purse. It was a rough day in Mudville.
But today I got my Blackbird Cathedral CD and poster. That's exciting in and of itself, but it also means that I can tell people something that I've been keeping quiet about.
Blackbird Cathedral made their album in Memoriam of Nathan. I didn't know about it until probably this time last year. (A long time after I wrote this blog post.) And I kept it quiet. I didn't even tell Kara.
But I was touched. I still am, honestly.
Nathan would have been so honored.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
*sigh*
So I have a confession... I thought about not blogging about this because I feel really bad and embarrassed about it. Like... a little heart-brokenly bad.
I wanted to blog about my friend Janis and how cool she is and how she sends me super awesome postcards.
I wanted to blog about Dr. Who.
I wanted to blog about happy trees and rainbows.
But tonight I was reading facebook and came to a post from one of my former teachers. It was about how tomorrow is she and her husband's 28th wedding anniversary.
And that's when I remembered. At 10:45 the day before. And really only because I remembered that this teacher and I shared our anniversaries.
Tomorrow (Today for most of you) is my 5th wedding anniversary.
Now there are lots of excuses I can use to explain why I hadn't been thinking about it. Being very busy with video game stuff, preaching mentoring, grad school stuff. Events in my head looming up like Josh and Kara's ordination, the baby dedication, Josh and Kara moving, upcoming 29th birthday, a trip home, 10 years of friendship with Kara, 1st day of school.
But none of that makes me feel better about the fact that I forgot. I'll admit that I sent Kara an e-mail that had some curse words.
I miss him every. single. day. How could I forget about this day?
The only thing that makes me feel any better about this is that I have Nathan's voice in my head- so real it's *almost* audible
"Sweetheart, it's ok!"
How?
Well, despite not remembering what tomorrow was, I'd made nearly all day plans this week with a small group of friends... Tomorrow I'm going to a Batmanathon, culminating in going to see the newest Batman film.
How is watching a bunch of super dark movies reassuring? Well, the thing is that Batman Begins (the first movie that we will be watching tomorrow) was Nathan and my first real date. (It took until our 2nd go-round to have a real date.) I can still remember how he wanted to tell everyone that we were dating and he called Paula on the way to the movie theater to let her know that he was going on a date with his girlfriend.
This Batmanathon wasn't my idea... in fact it came from a kinda unexpected source... well, "unexpected" except in that eerily fitting way that makes you think that it isn't all coincidence.
I've never seen the second movie, because I knew how dark it was. So I thought it was a bit strange how excited/interested I was in doing this. But, you know, if Nathan was here, he'd be working so hard to convince me to do this for our anniversary.
So my plans... they kinda feel a bit like Nathan is trying to suppress a fond chuckle as I cry about what a terrible wife I am.
I can almost feel his hand stroking my hair.
I can almost hear his, "Sweetheart! It's fine! You are being ridiculous."
I really miss being called "Sweetheart."
I wanted to blog about my friend Janis and how cool she is and how she sends me super awesome postcards.
I wanted to blog about Dr. Who.
I wanted to blog about happy trees and rainbows.
But tonight I was reading facebook and came to a post from one of my former teachers. It was about how tomorrow is she and her husband's 28th wedding anniversary.
And that's when I remembered. At 10:45 the day before. And really only because I remembered that this teacher and I shared our anniversaries.
Tomorrow (Today for most of you) is my 5th wedding anniversary.
Now there are lots of excuses I can use to explain why I hadn't been thinking about it. Being very busy with video game stuff, preaching mentoring, grad school stuff. Events in my head looming up like Josh and Kara's ordination, the baby dedication, Josh and Kara moving, upcoming 29th birthday, a trip home, 10 years of friendship with Kara, 1st day of school.
But none of that makes me feel better about the fact that I forgot. I'll admit that I sent Kara an e-mail that had some curse words.
I miss him every. single. day. How could I forget about this day?
The only thing that makes me feel any better about this is that I have Nathan's voice in my head- so real it's *almost* audible
"Sweetheart, it's ok!"
How?
Well, despite not remembering what tomorrow was, I'd made nearly all day plans this week with a small group of friends... Tomorrow I'm going to a Batmanathon, culminating in going to see the newest Batman film.
How is watching a bunch of super dark movies reassuring? Well, the thing is that Batman Begins (the first movie that we will be watching tomorrow) was Nathan and my first real date. (It took until our 2nd go-round to have a real date.) I can still remember how he wanted to tell everyone that we were dating and he called Paula on the way to the movie theater to let her know that he was going on a date with his girlfriend.
This Batmanathon wasn't my idea... in fact it came from a kinda unexpected source... well, "unexpected" except in that eerily fitting way that makes you think that it isn't all coincidence.
I've never seen the second movie, because I knew how dark it was. So I thought it was a bit strange how excited/interested I was in doing this. But, you know, if Nathan was here, he'd be working so hard to convince me to do this for our anniversary.
So my plans... they kinda feel a bit like Nathan is trying to suppress a fond chuckle as I cry about what a terrible wife I am.
I can almost feel his hand stroking my hair.
I can almost hear his, "Sweetheart! It's fine! You are being ridiculous."
I really miss being called "Sweetheart."
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Speaker for the Dead
Oh my heavens, I haven't worn my hair curly in days and days and I've missed it so!
Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the title of this post... but I just wanted to say it.
Now to the title. You may or may not be aware that Speaker for the Dead is the sequel to Ender's Game. Well, if you aren't that's fine. All you need to know it that in the books, "Speakers research [a] dead person's life and give a speech that attempts to speak for them, describing the person's life as he or she tried to live it. This speech is not given in order to persuade the audience to condemn or forgive the deceased, but rather a way to understand the person as a whole, including any flaws or misdeeds." (quote directly pulled from the wikipedia article)
I spoke at preaching mentoring tonight. Last sermon. It went over pretty well, but it was definitely the one I was most nervous about, because it was my "Nathan-talk." I wouldn't quite say that I was really a "Speaker for the Dead," but everything that I said is so wrapped up, in, and around Nathan's death that it sorta feels that way... and I do think that I am sharing what he would want others to know.
For a long time now I've had a version of this talk on my laptop and I decided that if the whole point of going through preaching mentoring was to figure out how to talk about God to a crowd of people so that I could talk about Nathan, well, then I probably needed to do so.
So I took it out and brushed it off. I worked on it's flow and changed quite a bit of it- taking things out and putting things in, until I was ok with it. And then tonight I gave it. Everyone responded really positively, which was nice... I just... I just feel like it's something that I have to say.
And now I know that I can do it. I've wondered a bit if I would be able to get through a talk like that, but I did just fine, despite Kara being there and getting all red-eyed. (Ok, fine, I had to ignore her so I wouldn't cry, too, but I ignored her like a champ!)
One of the people tonight asked me if this is a sermon that I would really want to preach to a whole church. (Because I mentioned in the talk that I don't want (or like) pity, and because it is such a personal topic.)
And oh gracious, the answer is yes.
If there was a way that I could tell my story to every church in Springfield I would. If I could speak at a conference I would. If I could give a TED talk I would. I have this *amazing* story of love and joy and God bringing beauty from the ashes, and I've been trying to find a way to share it with more than just my innermost circle of friends for such a long time.
All I need is an audience of people willing to listen.
Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the title of this post... but I just wanted to say it.
Now to the title. You may or may not be aware that Speaker for the Dead is the sequel to Ender's Game. Well, if you aren't that's fine. All you need to know it that in the books, "Speakers research [a] dead person's life and give a speech that attempts to speak for them, describing the person's life as he or she tried to live it. This speech is not given in order to persuade the audience to condemn or forgive the deceased, but rather a way to understand the person as a whole, including any flaws or misdeeds." (quote directly pulled from the wikipedia article)
I spoke at preaching mentoring tonight. Last sermon. It went over pretty well, but it was definitely the one I was most nervous about, because it was my "Nathan-talk." I wouldn't quite say that I was really a "Speaker for the Dead," but everything that I said is so wrapped up, in, and around Nathan's death that it sorta feels that way... and I do think that I am sharing what he would want others to know.
For a long time now I've had a version of this talk on my laptop and I decided that if the whole point of going through preaching mentoring was to figure out how to talk about God to a crowd of people so that I could talk about Nathan, well, then I probably needed to do so.
So I took it out and brushed it off. I worked on it's flow and changed quite a bit of it- taking things out and putting things in, until I was ok with it. And then tonight I gave it. Everyone responded really positively, which was nice... I just... I just feel like it's something that I have to say.
And now I know that I can do it. I've wondered a bit if I would be able to get through a talk like that, but I did just fine, despite Kara being there and getting all red-eyed. (Ok, fine, I had to ignore her so I wouldn't cry, too, but I ignored her like a champ!)
One of the people tonight asked me if this is a sermon that I would really want to preach to a whole church. (Because I mentioned in the talk that I don't want (or like) pity, and because it is such a personal topic.)
And oh gracious, the answer is yes.
If there was a way that I could tell my story to every church in Springfield I would. If I could speak at a conference I would. If I could give a TED talk I would. I have this *amazing* story of love and joy and God bringing beauty from the ashes, and I've been trying to find a way to share it with more than just my innermost circle of friends for such a long time.
All I need is an audience of people willing to listen.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
6 of 30
30 Things List
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Well... this one is super obvious.
I actually thought for a while about this. I thought about the day Nathan was diagnosed, and the day of his funeral. I thought about the day he woke up not being able to move his legs, and some of the nights where I barely slept because he was hurting so bad and there was nothing I could do but hold his hand as he cried in pain.
But the single hardest thing I ever experienced was being in the room as his heart stopped beating. If you want to read the story, it's in this blog post... I don't really feel the need to write it all out again.
There is this Death Cab for Cutie song called "What Sarah Said"
The sunrise was beautiful.
My parents, Rhonda and Isaac were there, as well as Bill and Paula and Rhonda hugged me so I wouldn't feel so alone... and even the stalwart men-folk cried.
A close friend (but not normally a mushy or even very emotional friend) texted- promising to be there if I needed anything.
A guy I graduated with paid for the entire week's worth of the hotel room, before we had even announced Nathan's death.
Kara drove to St. Louis without telling me because she didn't want to bother me, (and because I think she knew I was completely out of it.) But she got there after we'd already left and then she just drove back to Springfield, and to this day waves it off as if it were nothing.
Linda drove me back to Springfield and didn't expect or need me to talk at all.
Bill and Paula pulled me aside to make sure that I knew that they loved me, and that I have two sets of parents because I'm their daughter, too.
Kara stayed the night with me even though she was getting sick and was pregnant but wasn't telling anyone yet.
Like I said, I don't remember a lot... Shock will do that to you. But what I do remember makes me certain that even the hardest thing I have ever experienced could have been harder.
6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
Well... this one is super obvious.
I actually thought for a while about this. I thought about the day Nathan was diagnosed, and the day of his funeral. I thought about the day he woke up not being able to move his legs, and some of the nights where I barely slept because he was hurting so bad and there was nothing I could do but hold his hand as he cried in pain.
But the single hardest thing I ever experienced was being in the room as his heart stopped beating. If you want to read the story, it's in this blog post... I don't really feel the need to write it all out again.
There is this Death Cab for Cutie song called "What Sarah Said"
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father TimeAfter he was gone I was in a state of shock. The rest of the day is just flashes of memory... but every memory is of someone loving me. I think Nathan would like that, and I don't think that I've told you enough about everyone's kindness that day.
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself that I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines in a place where we only say good-bye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the T.V. entertained itself
Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news
And then the nurse comes 'round and everyone will lift their heads
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die.
The sunrise was beautiful.
My parents, Rhonda and Isaac were there, as well as Bill and Paula and Rhonda hugged me so I wouldn't feel so alone... and even the stalwart men-folk cried.
A close friend (but not normally a mushy or even very emotional friend) texted- promising to be there if I needed anything.
A guy I graduated with paid for the entire week's worth of the hotel room, before we had even announced Nathan's death.
Kara drove to St. Louis without telling me because she didn't want to bother me, (and because I think she knew I was completely out of it.) But she got there after we'd already left and then she just drove back to Springfield, and to this day waves it off as if it were nothing.
Linda drove me back to Springfield and didn't expect or need me to talk at all.
Bill and Paula pulled me aside to make sure that I knew that they loved me, and that I have two sets of parents because I'm their daughter, too.
Kara stayed the night with me even though she was getting sick and was pregnant but wasn't telling anyone yet.
Like I said, I don't remember a lot... Shock will do that to you. But what I do remember makes me certain that even the hardest thing I have ever experienced could have been harder.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The Doctors
I may have mentioned before that I am watching Dr. Who.
A time or two, eh?
It's a really good show, and I very much like it.
But the thing is, the Dr. changes. I mean that's one of the basic tenets of the show, that the Dr. changes relatively often. It's how a show that started in 1963 is still going-- and on it's 26th season. (He's only called "the Doctor" not Dr. Who, btw... Dr. Who is just what a lot of people say in response to his introduction of himself as "The Dr.")
But the doctor changes, and I hate it. I understand it, but I hate it.
Because I don't like the new doctor.
And then when I do finally like the new doctor he changes again and I don't like that new doctor.
So I'm constantly grieving for the doctor that once was, and I can't appreciate the doctor that is.
And I really think I do enough grieving as it is, thank you.
The other day someone linked to this article on facebook.
It made me cry.
Nathan was at one of the best hospitals in the nation for cancer. Our hand was forced over and over and over. Everyone did every thing that they could do.
But it's hard to think that if Nathan lived 20 years in the future, they might have known more... he might not have died.
But if he lived 20 years in the past then we might have lost him a lot sooner.
And that darn Dr. can time travel.
I really do believe that God can make a beautiful thing out of this.
Sometimes that's not a comfort though.
Cause he didn't want to go.
And I didn't want him to, either.
A time or two, eh?
It's a really good show, and I very much like it.
But the thing is, the Dr. changes. I mean that's one of the basic tenets of the show, that the Dr. changes relatively often. It's how a show that started in 1963 is still going-- and on it's 26th season. (He's only called "the Doctor" not Dr. Who, btw... Dr. Who is just what a lot of people say in response to his introduction of himself as "The Dr.")
But the doctor changes, and I hate it. I understand it, but I hate it.
Because I don't like the new doctor.
And then when I do finally like the new doctor he changes again and I don't like that new doctor.
So I'm constantly grieving for the doctor that once was, and I can't appreciate the doctor that is.
And I really think I do enough grieving as it is, thank you.
The other day someone linked to this article on facebook.
It made me cry.
Nathan was at one of the best hospitals in the nation for cancer. Our hand was forced over and over and over. Everyone did every thing that they could do.
But it's hard to think that if Nathan lived 20 years in the future, they might have known more... he might not have died.
But if he lived 20 years in the past then we might have lost him a lot sooner.
And that darn Dr. can time travel.
I really do believe that God can make a beautiful thing out of this.
Sometimes that's not a comfort though.
Cause he didn't want to go.
And I didn't want him to, either.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
In the absence
Kara and I were talking the other night about the preaching mentoring class and Nathan, and she said, "Nathan would have been supportive.... Shocked as hell, but supportive."
I laughed and I said, "Nathan wouldn't have believed us if we told him."
And she laughed, because it's totally true, and then she pointed out. "Well, Nathan would be going through it. I mean I think that's a foregone conclusion. Anyone who knew Nathan knows that he would have been going through it, it was just a matter of time."
And I agreed, because I did, in fact, know Nathan. And then one of us... I'm not sure if it was her or me mentioned that if Nathan were here, I probably wouldn't be doing the mentoring. And that's when Kara got a little verclemnt.
We've often talked how in marriage a spouse takes up the slack, wherever there is slack. That means that if one person is sorta a big ideas person and the other is kinda a details person, when they get in a relationship they will polarize. If one person is a little bit shy-er and one person is generally more gregarious then they will each tend to become more so. Both of those examples are things that happened with Nathan and I. But since his death (as I've mentioned over and over) I've changed, and Kara drew the analogy that it's actually rather similar to the marriage thing.. but that in the absence of Nathan I've taken up some of the slack that he left.
Not in that I've reverted to my "original" state, but that being married to him really did change me- That "becoming one in Christ" is more than a lovely metaphor-- and that a part of Nathan lives on in me... In some ways I'm now more Nathan than I am Renee. Nathan was the outgoing one... but I'm picking that up. Nathan was the confident one... but I'm learning. Nathan is the one who would have been in preaching mentoring. Nathan is the one who would make good friends with people just by being in class with them. Nathan is the one who gave a little bit of himself to everyone he knew. I didn't think I had much to say, I didn't talk to my classmates unless I already knew them- or they befriended me. I gave all that I was to my friends, but if you weren't "in" then I gave nothing of myself.
But now, as Kara said, I'm really living for more than just me. In the absence of Nathan a little bit of him has been overwritten on me. I've held on to some of the best of him.
I mentioned to her that is why I didn't change my name back to Miller. A few people asked me soon after he died, if I would change my name back. It was never even something I considered. Dunn is what my last name is, now. Nathan caused that fundamental of a change. My name should be different than what it was when I was born... It should be partly his. And that's the reason for the tattoo... because my last name may not always be Dunn, but now I will always have a symbol of the change that has been wrought in my life.
Kara wondered outloud if Nathan and I had just met if we would still even find each other as attractive.
I think she said something to the effect of, "I mean not that he loved that you were a mouse or anything, but he did like to be the one in the spotlight." I laughed and responded.
I'm not expecting that a new man in my life will be very much like Nathan. Especially not the Nathan that I first met and fell in love with. But honestly, I don't think even using the "updated" Nathan they will be much alike. Oh, there will be a few things. I think he'll encourage the best in me. I think he'll have some sort of artistic talent. I think he'll have a strong faith... but everything else? I don't really even know for sure what it is that this version of me needs, so I have no idea what he'll be like. Nathan came as a lovely surprise---all these things that I didn't even know I wanted until I had them... I expect another guy will be much the same. I'm certainly not looking for another Nathan... I'd never find him.
One note that I think is obvious, but I need to say- this is all with the understanding that if Nathan were still alive we would still be very much in love. I wouldn't be this different and we would have been evolving together and we would be looking forward to our 5th anniversary in July with all the excitement that we looked forward to our 1st anniversary. The only scenario in which I would be thinking and saying things like this, is the scenario I find myself in.
You know, it still surprises me sometimes. How did something this dramatic happen to me? It's not the type of thing that happens to the country girl from the middle of nowhere.
Except apparently, it is.
I laughed and I said, "Nathan wouldn't have believed us if we told him."
And she laughed, because it's totally true, and then she pointed out. "Well, Nathan would be going through it. I mean I think that's a foregone conclusion. Anyone who knew Nathan knows that he would have been going through it, it was just a matter of time."
And I agreed, because I did, in fact, know Nathan. And then one of us... I'm not sure if it was her or me mentioned that if Nathan were here, I probably wouldn't be doing the mentoring. And that's when Kara got a little verclemnt.
We've often talked how in marriage a spouse takes up the slack, wherever there is slack. That means that if one person is sorta a big ideas person and the other is kinda a details person, when they get in a relationship they will polarize. If one person is a little bit shy-er and one person is generally more gregarious then they will each tend to become more so. Both of those examples are things that happened with Nathan and I. But since his death (as I've mentioned over and over) I've changed, and Kara drew the analogy that it's actually rather similar to the marriage thing.. but that in the absence of Nathan I've taken up some of the slack that he left.
Not in that I've reverted to my "original" state, but that being married to him really did change me- That "becoming one in Christ" is more than a lovely metaphor-- and that a part of Nathan lives on in me... In some ways I'm now more Nathan than I am Renee. Nathan was the outgoing one... but I'm picking that up. Nathan was the confident one... but I'm learning. Nathan is the one who would have been in preaching mentoring. Nathan is the one who would make good friends with people just by being in class with them. Nathan is the one who gave a little bit of himself to everyone he knew. I didn't think I had much to say, I didn't talk to my classmates unless I already knew them- or they befriended me. I gave all that I was to my friends, but if you weren't "in" then I gave nothing of myself.
But now, as Kara said, I'm really living for more than just me. In the absence of Nathan a little bit of him has been overwritten on me. I've held on to some of the best of him.
I mentioned to her that is why I didn't change my name back to Miller. A few people asked me soon after he died, if I would change my name back. It was never even something I considered. Dunn is what my last name is, now. Nathan caused that fundamental of a change. My name should be different than what it was when I was born... It should be partly his. And that's the reason for the tattoo... because my last name may not always be Dunn, but now I will always have a symbol of the change that has been wrought in my life.
Kara wondered outloud if Nathan and I had just met if we would still even find each other as attractive.
I think she said something to the effect of, "I mean not that he loved that you were a mouse or anything, but he did like to be the one in the spotlight." I laughed and responded.
I'm not expecting that a new man in my life will be very much like Nathan. Especially not the Nathan that I first met and fell in love with. But honestly, I don't think even using the "updated" Nathan they will be much alike. Oh, there will be a few things. I think he'll encourage the best in me. I think he'll have some sort of artistic talent. I think he'll have a strong faith... but everything else? I don't really even know for sure what it is that this version of me needs, so I have no idea what he'll be like. Nathan came as a lovely surprise---all these things that I didn't even know I wanted until I had them... I expect another guy will be much the same. I'm certainly not looking for another Nathan... I'd never find him.
One note that I think is obvious, but I need to say- this is all with the understanding that if Nathan were still alive we would still be very much in love. I wouldn't be this different and we would have been evolving together and we would be looking forward to our 5th anniversary in July with all the excitement that we looked forward to our 1st anniversary. The only scenario in which I would be thinking and saying things like this, is the scenario I find myself in.
You know, it still surprises me sometimes. How did something this dramatic happen to me? It's not the type of thing that happens to the country girl from the middle of nowhere.
Except apparently, it is.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Memorial Day
Nathan has been heavily on my mind of late. It's sort of inevitable with weddings... especially since this one was so close to where Josh and Kara's wedding was... I have pretty strong associations with Josh and Kara's wedding and Nathan.
This was a wedding he should have been here for. That's what I kept thinking.... "Nathan should be here for this." Bill was in our wedding and I think Bill told me that Nathan would have been a groomsman. He could have been the one escorting me down the aisle. I missed the sweet smile he would have given me as he got all teary listening to friends saying the same thing we said to each other. I missed it so much. (Nathan was the one who cried at weddings, not me.) And how incredibly thrilled he would have been for Bill and Melissa. He would have been so so happy.
Bill's dad came up to me at the wedding. He was so sweet and he said to me that he "thought it might not be the right time to say it," but he wanted me to know how much he admired my strength, and that he thought I was amazing (I'm paraphrasing, I was taken off guard, so I didn't have my memory fully engaged.) I was so surprised and touched. You just never know who is watching you.
Paula was there and I was so glad to see her... I know she was feeling that Nathan should have been there, too. It's a bond that I hate that we share, but is at the same time- it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
I managed not to cry the whole day- weddings are happy! But when Bill toasted Melissa, ending with "You're my best friend." I almost did. It hit me with such a strong wave of home-sickness...That's the marriage that we had. I thought the world of him and he thought the world of me, and how I want that back...
Then today I had a flash of the terrible side of my experiences. We were having church as usual and suddenly I hear someone run into the sanctuary. I turned and saw Sam (Tim's son) say something to Jonny, who jumped up from his seat, grabbed the baby carrier with August in it and not-quite-sprinted out- followed by 2 other guys in the back of the church. I knew that Katie was teaching Sunday School (with Sam in class) and I started freaking out. I almost got up and followed them because I needed to know what was happening, but I was too scared at the same time, because my mind automatically went to the worst case scenarios: Katie had passed out for an unknown reason that would eventually be diagnosed as cancer, Katie had passed out upstairs and cracked her head open, Katie had managed to slice her artery open on a pair of safety scissors and had passed out from blood loss, Katie fell down the stairs and broke her back... or her neck.. or every bone in her body, Katie had a stroke. I was dreading hearing ambulance sirens. I was wondering how I was going to be able to deal with all my "stuff" when it comes to hospitals and emergency rooms and ambulances and still be a good friend to the Carters. Basically I was *freaking the heck out.*
I don't think I heard a thing Tim said, because Jonny never came back. And I knew that everything I was thinking was over the top and a worst case scenario, (I mean, seriously who's natural first response is to suspect a 25 (26?) year old girl has cancer?!) but I was so afraid. Eventually when the songs started and there still hadn't been an ambulance I calmed down a little bit but I was still worried. First thing I said to someone was to ask what had happened to Katie.
Kara, God love her, wasn't too afraid to call and find out, like I was.
(by the way, Katie fell off a chair and broke her radius near the elbow and damaged her wrist. She has a sling and will be seeing an orthopedist on Tuesday to find out more.)
So I guess if I have baggage it's that kind of baggage. The kind that makes me freak out with PTSD when I don't know what's going on, but makes me too scared to go find out.
Do you have any idea how much I dislike being that illogical? Do you have any idea how little I cared in the moment that I was being illogical and just wanted to throw myself into someone's arms, anyway?
Impulse control- I still have to fight so hard for it sometimes.
This was a wedding he should have been here for. That's what I kept thinking.... "Nathan should be here for this." Bill was in our wedding and I think Bill told me that Nathan would have been a groomsman. He could have been the one escorting me down the aisle. I missed the sweet smile he would have given me as he got all teary listening to friends saying the same thing we said to each other. I missed it so much. (Nathan was the one who cried at weddings, not me.) And how incredibly thrilled he would have been for Bill and Melissa. He would have been so so happy.
Bill's dad came up to me at the wedding. He was so sweet and he said to me that he "thought it might not be the right time to say it," but he wanted me to know how much he admired my strength, and that he thought I was amazing (I'm paraphrasing, I was taken off guard, so I didn't have my memory fully engaged.) I was so surprised and touched. You just never know who is watching you.
Paula was there and I was so glad to see her... I know she was feeling that Nathan should have been there, too. It's a bond that I hate that we share, but is at the same time- it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
I managed not to cry the whole day- weddings are happy! But when Bill toasted Melissa, ending with "You're my best friend." I almost did. It hit me with such a strong wave of home-sickness...That's the marriage that we had. I thought the world of him and he thought the world of me, and how I want that back...
Then today I had a flash of the terrible side of my experiences. We were having church as usual and suddenly I hear someone run into the sanctuary. I turned and saw Sam (Tim's son) say something to Jonny, who jumped up from his seat, grabbed the baby carrier with August in it and not-quite-sprinted out- followed by 2 other guys in the back of the church. I knew that Katie was teaching Sunday School (with Sam in class) and I started freaking out. I almost got up and followed them because I needed to know what was happening, but I was too scared at the same time, because my mind automatically went to the worst case scenarios: Katie had passed out for an unknown reason that would eventually be diagnosed as cancer, Katie had passed out upstairs and cracked her head open, Katie had managed to slice her artery open on a pair of safety scissors and had passed out from blood loss, Katie fell down the stairs and broke her back... or her neck.. or every bone in her body, Katie had a stroke. I was dreading hearing ambulance sirens. I was wondering how I was going to be able to deal with all my "stuff" when it comes to hospitals and emergency rooms and ambulances and still be a good friend to the Carters. Basically I was *freaking the heck out.*
I don't think I heard a thing Tim said, because Jonny never came back. And I knew that everything I was thinking was over the top and a worst case scenario, (I mean, seriously who's natural first response is to suspect a 25 (26?) year old girl has cancer?!) but I was so afraid. Eventually when the songs started and there still hadn't been an ambulance I calmed down a little bit but I was still worried. First thing I said to someone was to ask what had happened to Katie.
Kara, God love her, wasn't too afraid to call and find out, like I was.
(by the way, Katie fell off a chair and broke her radius near the elbow and damaged her wrist. She has a sling and will be seeing an orthopedist on Tuesday to find out more.)
So I guess if I have baggage it's that kind of baggage. The kind that makes me freak out with PTSD when I don't know what's going on, but makes me too scared to go find out.
Do you have any idea how much I dislike being that illogical? Do you have any idea how little I cared in the moment that I was being illogical and just wanted to throw myself into someone's arms, anyway?
Impulse control- I still have to fight so hard for it sometimes.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
And We Must Wait
Nathan asked me once if I regretted not dating other people before committing to him. He kinda
loved that I hadn't... a bit of the jealous type, that one. But he
wondered if I ever wished that I'd had more dating experience. I
responded that I was perfectly happy. If there was something better out
there, well I'd never know, but I was sure that we were pretty well as
good as it gets.
I'm really glad I didn't date more before Nathan. If I was missing something I can find it now and I didn't waste any time that could have been spent with him.
People who got married in 2007 are celebrating their 5th anniversary this year. All those weddings that happened the same spring and summer as ours. Not gonna lie, it sucks for me... Not that I don't want people to celebrate their marriages.... it's just painful sometimes... it used to be this happy thing that we shared and then my celebration got turned into a sorrow-versay. But I don't want people not to talk about it around me or treat me with kid gloves. I really am happy for them, there is just a selfish bit of my mind that gets sad, knowing that I should be excited and planning what we are going to do to celebrate, but I don't have that.
There are so many little things that sting and no one can do a darn thing about them. When you are in a long-term relationship there are little displays of affection that people take for granted, and I miss so much. Most of the time I don't think people even notice when they do them. I notice though and how I miss the shoulder to lay my head on. The hand to hold. Just being able to have someone I am comfortable enough with to lean against.
And despite all that, I can still say that while I miss my husband dearly... so much more often I miss my best friend.
A quote from Dr. Who:
The doctor, speaking to Queen Victoria of Prince Albert who has already passed away: "You must miss him."
Queen Victoria says: "Very much. Oh, completely. And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the hope of some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It's the Creator's greatest mystery that we're allowed no such consolation. The dead stay silent, and we must wait."
I can't help but wonder what Nathan would think of me now. What would he say of the person I have become? Would he think that I've changed so much or that I'm actually not that different from who he always saw me as? Would he be shocked at how I've weathered this storm and how independent I am? Would he still think I was the most beautiful girl in the world? Would he be proud?
Even if he couldn't come back, even if it was just talking... I wish I could get his opinion. I miss hearing what he thought about things. I can guess sometimes, but it's not the same.
Yeah...
I blame Queen Victoria for this melancholy post.
I'm really glad I didn't date more before Nathan. If I was missing something I can find it now and I didn't waste any time that could have been spent with him.
People who got married in 2007 are celebrating their 5th anniversary this year. All those weddings that happened the same spring and summer as ours. Not gonna lie, it sucks for me... Not that I don't want people to celebrate their marriages.... it's just painful sometimes... it used to be this happy thing that we shared and then my celebration got turned into a sorrow-versay. But I don't want people not to talk about it around me or treat me with kid gloves. I really am happy for them, there is just a selfish bit of my mind that gets sad, knowing that I should be excited and planning what we are going to do to celebrate, but I don't have that.
There are so many little things that sting and no one can do a darn thing about them. When you are in a long-term relationship there are little displays of affection that people take for granted, and I miss so much. Most of the time I don't think people even notice when they do them. I notice though and how I miss the shoulder to lay my head on. The hand to hold. Just being able to have someone I am comfortable enough with to lean against.
And despite all that, I can still say that while I miss my husband dearly... so much more often I miss my best friend.
A quote from Dr. Who:
The doctor, speaking to Queen Victoria of Prince Albert who has already passed away: "You must miss him."
Queen Victoria says: "Very much. Oh, completely. And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the hope of some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It's the Creator's greatest mystery that we're allowed no such consolation. The dead stay silent, and we must wait."
I can't help but wonder what Nathan would think of me now. What would he say of the person I have become? Would he think that I've changed so much or that I'm actually not that different from who he always saw me as? Would he be shocked at how I've weathered this storm and how independent I am? Would he still think I was the most beautiful girl in the world? Would he be proud?
Even if he couldn't come back, even if it was just talking... I wish I could get his opinion. I miss hearing what he thought about things. I can guess sometimes, but it's not the same.
Yeah...
I blame Queen Victoria for this melancholy post.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Because I knew him...
I have realized in the past few days that I can think of Nathan and smile...
I'm not sure that it has anything to do with the tattoo, but that's when I started noticing it- last night. I can talk about him and reminisce about him without the dark humor defense. Don't get me wrong, I still make the dark jokes from time to time but... there is a lot less sting in them than there used to be.
Last night I was talking about him and laughing about how funny he was. He always said that he thought he was funny because I did, but it's not true. He was hilarious. And Kara and I were talking about how funny he was and it just felt good. It didn't feel like I was touching a tender spot. I could say, "I miss that kid," and not want to cry. Kara and I like to talk about college a lot. We love reminiscing about the "glory days." And that's what talking about Nathan is starting to feel like. This amazing wonderful time in my past, that isn't here anymore, but I can look back and just *love* without being incapacitated by wanting it to still be that way.
Today I was talking about him with some friends... reminiscing about when we first got together, and how the general population of Scholars House felt about it. And how much of a flirt he was... even after we were married. (Not in a malicious or unfaithful way, but in the way that made people feel good about themselves.... though I will admit we had to have some conversations about a few girls because they might have been taking it in a way he didn't mean.) And just how dang cute he was. He was sooo freaking attractive. I know that people are generally drawn to people who are the same (or greater) level of attractive as yourself. I hope it's true, because that puts me in a much higher attractive tier than I'd place myself in.
But anyway... I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I've reached a new level in the healing process. Not that I will ever ever ever forget... but... the wounds aren't in that red inflamed stage anymore... maybe that's another reason why I wanted the tattoo... it's a physical representation of grief. At least for me. Something that I never thought I could do, but somehow did anyway. They are both painful, require a healing process, and will always be a part of me and who I become. And some people are appalled/scared by it, but I think it's a part of what makes me beautiful.
Nathan made me feel more beautiful than I ever thought I was, but I think that living through his death has actually made me more beautiful than I ever was.***
It's certainly changed my life.
When we were picking out songs for the funeral Paula asked me what I thought about putting in "For Good" from Wicked. I discovered Wicked in college and fell in love with the soundtrack. *in looooove.* Nathan I went to see it on our honeymoon and again (with Paula) when it came to St. Louis one winter. My first response to her was that I didn't think that I could do it... That it would be too hard to handle... but as I tried to come up with music that fit him and how I/we/everyone felt about him... it was just right. I did find a different version than the soundtrack, just so I'd be able to still watch the show and hear the music without falling to pieces. But we played it at the funeral, and I remember sitting in the pew, tears running down my face "singing" it to him (not actually using my voice) and not caring that I must have looked completely nuts. But I had to tell him, because it is *so* true. Because I knew him I have been changed for good.
I don't think it's any surprise to people that I find a lot of healing in songs. I sorta talk about it all the time. The lyrics of one struck me tonight (the whole song isn't applicable, but this part is.)
I'm not sure that it has anything to do with the tattoo, but that's when I started noticing it- last night. I can talk about him and reminisce about him without the dark humor defense. Don't get me wrong, I still make the dark jokes from time to time but... there is a lot less sting in them than there used to be.
Last night I was talking about him and laughing about how funny he was. He always said that he thought he was funny because I did, but it's not true. He was hilarious. And Kara and I were talking about how funny he was and it just felt good. It didn't feel like I was touching a tender spot. I could say, "I miss that kid," and not want to cry. Kara and I like to talk about college a lot. We love reminiscing about the "glory days." And that's what talking about Nathan is starting to feel like. This amazing wonderful time in my past, that isn't here anymore, but I can look back and just *love* without being incapacitated by wanting it to still be that way.
Today I was talking about him with some friends... reminiscing about when we first got together, and how the general population of Scholars House felt about it. And how much of a flirt he was... even after we were married. (Not in a malicious or unfaithful way, but in the way that made people feel good about themselves.... though I will admit we had to have some conversations about a few girls because they might have been taking it in a way he didn't mean.) And just how dang cute he was. He was sooo freaking attractive. I know that people are generally drawn to people who are the same (or greater) level of attractive as yourself. I hope it's true, because that puts me in a much higher attractive tier than I'd place myself in.
But anyway... I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I've reached a new level in the healing process. Not that I will ever ever ever forget... but... the wounds aren't in that red inflamed stage anymore... maybe that's another reason why I wanted the tattoo... it's a physical representation of grief. At least for me. Something that I never thought I could do, but somehow did anyway. They are both painful, require a healing process, and will always be a part of me and who I become. And some people are appalled/scared by it, but I think it's a part of what makes me beautiful.
Nathan made me feel more beautiful than I ever thought I was, but I think that living through his death has actually made me more beautiful than I ever was.***
It's certainly changed my life.
When we were picking out songs for the funeral Paula asked me what I thought about putting in "For Good" from Wicked. I discovered Wicked in college and fell in love with the soundtrack. *in looooove.* Nathan I went to see it on our honeymoon and again (with Paula) when it came to St. Louis one winter. My first response to her was that I didn't think that I could do it... That it would be too hard to handle... but as I tried to come up with music that fit him and how I/we/everyone felt about him... it was just right. I did find a different version than the soundtrack, just so I'd be able to still watch the show and hear the music without falling to pieces. But we played it at the funeral, and I remember sitting in the pew, tears running down my face "singing" it to him (not actually using my voice) and not caring that I must have looked completely nuts. But I had to tell him, because it is *so* true. Because I knew him I have been changed for good.
I don't think it's any surprise to people that I find a lot of healing in songs. I sorta talk about it all the time. The lyrics of one struck me tonight (the whole song isn't applicable, but this part is.)
I found piece of mind, I'm feeling good again***please note that I'm well aware that I'm still far far far from anything approaching perfect.
I'm on the other side, back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky, All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say,[...parts that aren't applicable because it's about a break up...]
I know everything's gonna be okay
Friday, March 30, 2012
Important Life Update
I recently connected with an old friend on facebook who said that she'd skimmed my blog. I went back and looked at my blog recently and it's a big ole downer. All I can say is that I hope she skimmed more than just the first "page."
Oh, I can also say the lack of internet in my home makes me moody, introspective, and morose... perhaps it's a really good thing I wasn't born in the 50's as I've always said I should be.
That said, I need to fill you in on something that isn't actually much of an upbeat topic. But hang in there with me cause we're gonna try and end on a note that's more uplifting than downtrodden, and by "we" I mean "me, with you along for the ride."
On Tuesday, Tim sat down with me and let me know that the church can no longer afford to keep me on staff. My last day will be April 12th. I suppose that might be a shock to some people, but I'd been seeing the numbers and I suspected this might have to happen. Tim was upset about it, and he emphasized that this has nothing whatsoever to do with performance. He said that there were many times when I kept him sane, and he wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to manage without me. He also said he'd write me awesome reference letters and do whatever he could to help with the transition.
The very hardest thing about this all actually hasn't been getting laid off. It's been that Nathan isn't here. This is the type of thing you are supposed to be able to turn to your partner and be scared about. This is the stuff that I'm supposed to be able to hear him say, "It's all going to be ok" about... or, "I'll take care of you." This is the time when I'm supposed to be able to bounce all sorts of ideas off of him and he's supposed to tell me if they are crazy or not. If you check back to my Monday night/Tues morning blog you can see a bit of my "in the moment" response. (I pretty much knew Monday night, but there wasn't official confirmation.) And it might sound strange, but the fact that Nathan can't help me deal with this... well it just proves in a whole new way that he's gone. And that hurts, because no one but a husband can be a husband.
But I'm working my way through that... and yes this feeling of adrift-ness, it very much does suck.
Oh boy, yep, it sucks. And I've definitely thought... "Really? You are gonna throw something else awful at me? How many blows am I expected to take??" I'd say I identified with Job, but honestly... he had it worse than me, and I don't really want it to get any worse, thanks.
BUT (here's where we start the uplifting hopeful portion of tonight's offering.)
I think that if nothing else I've proven that I'm good at adapting to change.
That said, I hate it, so I try not to initiate change if I can help it.
I can't help this, but this change might be good for me.
I've always said that being the church administrator was a job, not my career. It was exactly what I needed for the past 4 years of my life. If I'd still been teaching when Nathan got cancer our insurance wouldn't have been nearly as good, and a school could never have given me the flexibility that the church was able to with Nathan's ever-present doctor appointments. They couldn't have given me 4 day weekends, and I wouldn't have been able to spend near as much precious time with him. In short, I would have been working so much harder and been getting far far less.
But it's not a career.... and I think it's time for change. The year has passed and I can start to make big life decisions again. But I probably wouldn't have, because I like to remain in the status quo. But now I don't really have a choice...
So I looked on job sites and looked at various job postings... and they all sounded terrible, and I thought, "Maybe I've just been spoiled by the church"... and maybe that's true a bit... but for the things I'm qualified for (teaching high school again is not an option I want to pursue... ever.) It just all felt really wrong. It felt like I was just staying at the same level. I wasn't challenging myself, I wasn't bettering myself, I was just looking for another job and which is not good enough to support me long term and it's not good enough to keep me engaged in my life. Plus, it just felt terrible.... Maybe you don't often make decisions on your feelings, but... honestly my "gut" is pretty smart. So then I started thinking about what else I could do...
Move back to my parents house and become a hermit...
Move to the airport and re-enact "The Terminal" which I've actually never seen, but at least there would be people...
Go work in an old lady's quilt shop and take it over from her when she retires....
Start a psychic detective agency with my best friend....
and then I thought about getting a Masters.
Here's the thing, me getting a Masters was always part of the plan. It was supposed to go,"Get married, Nathan gets Masters and then a decent job, Renée gets her Masters very slowly while also having children." It was a good plan. But a wrench sorta got thrown into it... but now... there is no reason for me not to... and I can get a graduate assistantship or some sort of on-campus employment, and be pretty much at exactly the same pay level as I was, but by the end of it I will have a degree where I might be able to teach college, or I will have a book written or something.
And I was looking at the requirements online and, I kid you not, it felt like coming home. It felt so right. As wrong as looking at job postings felt? This felt that right.
It even gives me the summer to focus on writing my book. It's like everything just clicked for me... Pure genius.
One small hiccup in the genius plan, though. The "priority" deadline for admission has already past. I've not taken the GRE, I don't have letters of recommendation, and I don't even know if there are graduate assistantships available for the fall semester, which I would kinda need. I've got an e-mail out to the English Department Graduate Advisor, right now. I'm hoping that he will e-mail me back soon and I can go in to talk to him and find out if my genius idea is even feasible.
So pray for me... pray that these things really do click rather than just clicking in my head.
But please, don't pity me. I hate feeling pitied. Hate hate hate.. with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. I'm still me. I want approval and affirmation (always!) but I want it because I deserve it, not because you feel bad for me. It's hard... but gosh darnit, I've gotten through so much worse, and I can get through this, too!
... though if I don't get the internet at my new place fixed soon, then I might not be able to make it.☺
*weak cough* I got the black lung, Pop.
Oh, I can also say the lack of internet in my home makes me moody, introspective, and morose... perhaps it's a really good thing I wasn't born in the 50's as I've always said I should be.
That said, I need to fill you in on something that isn't actually much of an upbeat topic. But hang in there with me cause we're gonna try and end on a note that's more uplifting than downtrodden, and by "we" I mean "me, with you along for the ride."
On Tuesday, Tim sat down with me and let me know that the church can no longer afford to keep me on staff. My last day will be April 12th. I suppose that might be a shock to some people, but I'd been seeing the numbers and I suspected this might have to happen. Tim was upset about it, and he emphasized that this has nothing whatsoever to do with performance. He said that there were many times when I kept him sane, and he wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to manage without me. He also said he'd write me awesome reference letters and do whatever he could to help with the transition.
The very hardest thing about this all actually hasn't been getting laid off. It's been that Nathan isn't here. This is the type of thing you are supposed to be able to turn to your partner and be scared about. This is the stuff that I'm supposed to be able to hear him say, "It's all going to be ok" about... or, "I'll take care of you." This is the time when I'm supposed to be able to bounce all sorts of ideas off of him and he's supposed to tell me if they are crazy or not. If you check back to my Monday night/Tues morning blog you can see a bit of my "in the moment" response. (I pretty much knew Monday night, but there wasn't official confirmation.) And it might sound strange, but the fact that Nathan can't help me deal with this... well it just proves in a whole new way that he's gone. And that hurts, because no one but a husband can be a husband.
But I'm working my way through that... and yes this feeling of adrift-ness, it very much does suck.
Oh boy, yep, it sucks. And I've definitely thought... "Really? You are gonna throw something else awful at me? How many blows am I expected to take??" I'd say I identified with Job, but honestly... he had it worse than me, and I don't really want it to get any worse, thanks.
BUT (here's where we start the uplifting hopeful portion of tonight's offering.)
I think that if nothing else I've proven that I'm good at adapting to change.
That said, I hate it, so I try not to initiate change if I can help it.
I can't help this, but this change might be good for me.
I've always said that being the church administrator was a job, not my career. It was exactly what I needed for the past 4 years of my life. If I'd still been teaching when Nathan got cancer our insurance wouldn't have been nearly as good, and a school could never have given me the flexibility that the church was able to with Nathan's ever-present doctor appointments. They couldn't have given me 4 day weekends, and I wouldn't have been able to spend near as much precious time with him. In short, I would have been working so much harder and been getting far far less.
But it's not a career.... and I think it's time for change. The year has passed and I can start to make big life decisions again. But I probably wouldn't have, because I like to remain in the status quo. But now I don't really have a choice...
So I looked on job sites and looked at various job postings... and they all sounded terrible, and I thought, "Maybe I've just been spoiled by the church"... and maybe that's true a bit... but for the things I'm qualified for (teaching high school again is not an option I want to pursue... ever.) It just all felt really wrong. It felt like I was just staying at the same level. I wasn't challenging myself, I wasn't bettering myself, I was just looking for another job and which is not good enough to support me long term and it's not good enough to keep me engaged in my life. Plus, it just felt terrible.... Maybe you don't often make decisions on your feelings, but... honestly my "gut" is pretty smart. So then I started thinking about what else I could do...
Move back to my parents house and become a hermit...
Move to the airport and re-enact "The Terminal" which I've actually never seen, but at least there would be people...
Go work in an old lady's quilt shop and take it over from her when she retires....
Start a psychic detective agency with my best friend....
and then I thought about getting a Masters.
Here's the thing, me getting a Masters was always part of the plan. It was supposed to go,"Get married, Nathan gets Masters and then a decent job, Renée gets her Masters very slowly while also having children." It was a good plan. But a wrench sorta got thrown into it... but now... there is no reason for me not to... and I can get a graduate assistantship or some sort of on-campus employment, and be pretty much at exactly the same pay level as I was, but by the end of it I will have a degree where I might be able to teach college, or I will have a book written or something.
And I was looking at the requirements online and, I kid you not, it felt like coming home. It felt so right. As wrong as looking at job postings felt? This felt that right.
It even gives me the summer to focus on writing my book. It's like everything just clicked for me... Pure genius.
One small hiccup in the genius plan, though. The "priority" deadline for admission has already past. I've not taken the GRE, I don't have letters of recommendation, and I don't even know if there are graduate assistantships available for the fall semester, which I would kinda need. I've got an e-mail out to the English Department Graduate Advisor, right now. I'm hoping that he will e-mail me back soon and I can go in to talk to him and find out if my genius idea is even feasible.
So pray for me... pray that these things really do click rather than just clicking in my head.
But please, don't pity me. I hate feeling pitied. Hate hate hate.. with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. I'm still me. I want approval and affirmation (always!) but I want it because I deserve it, not because you feel bad for me. It's hard... but gosh darnit, I've gotten through so much worse, and I can get through this, too!
... though if I don't get the internet at my new place fixed soon, then I might not be able to make it.☺
*weak cough* I got the black lung, Pop.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Wish you were here
Not gonna lie, today was one of my harder days as a widow. I miss my partner. The one I can complain to, bounce ideas off of, and the one who will tell me we can make it work.
I don't think I will ever stop missing that kind of support until I can find it again... Just someone to let me know I'm not in this all by myself... Because unless I get married again, I am.
And it's a lot easier to believe in yourself when someone else does first.
Oh Nathan, I just wish you were here.
Being alone is really hard sometimes.
I don't think I will ever stop missing that kind of support until I can find it again... Just someone to let me know I'm not in this all by myself... Because unless I get married again, I am.
And it's a lot easier to believe in yourself when someone else does first.
Oh Nathan, I just wish you were here.
Being alone is really hard sometimes.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Creepy but Comforting
I found some "spiritual journals" of Nathan's... and I skimmed them
for my name, cause I'm shallow like that... and I found this:
But here, I was using them during the 6 month break when Nathan and I weren't even dating.
That's a bit freaky cause it's hard to argue with that kind of recording.
But in another way it's really comforting.
Nathan was certainly a gift. And even knowing what I do now, I'd still choose him... but it's nice to think that maybe God let me in on something, even if I didn't understand it.
By the way, Kara pointed this out to me and I feel like I should pass it along-
So here is a helpful tip from a widow: If you are married and you have ever ever ever written anything negative about your spouse somewhere, get up *right now* and go destroy it completely. I'm really lucky, because Nathan loved me more than I deserve and I've never found anything disparaging about me, but once you die everything is fair game, and I can't even imagine how crushing it would be to read something mean/bad written by the person who means the most to you when he/she isn't even there to apologize and make it up to you.If you are dating/engaged to someone never ever write something negative about your significant other down. Then there is nothing to destroy.
This has been your widow public service announcement!
"April, 2005I didn't see any wing reflections... and I'm sure that I didn't state things as matter-of-factly and succinctly in the moment as Nathan did, writing it down, and I'm positive that I put a whole bunch of disclaimers on that statement, such as starting it with "I feel like, maybe...." But the phrases "loss of normalcy" and "risk of extreme emotional pain" ...those are my words... I can tell because I've used them a lot since cancer and especially since Nathan died. I probably even used them on this blog a few times.
During a late night conversation with Renée, several times she spoke exactly the words I was thinking as if I had spoken them. As we discussed the increasing commonness of the occurrence, I saw white wings in the reflection in her eyes. She said that God was offering her a gift, but with consequences-- a loss of normalcy, and the risk of extreme emotional pain."
But here, I was using them during the 6 month break when Nathan and I weren't even dating.
That's a bit freaky cause it's hard to argue with that kind of recording.
But in another way it's really comforting.
Nathan was certainly a gift. And even knowing what I do now, I'd still choose him... but it's nice to think that maybe God let me in on something, even if I didn't understand it.
By the way, Kara pointed this out to me and I feel like I should pass it along-
So here is a helpful tip from a widow: If you are married and you have ever ever ever written anything negative about your spouse somewhere, get up *right now* and go destroy it completely. I'm really lucky, because Nathan loved me more than I deserve and I've never found anything disparaging about me, but once you die everything is fair game, and I can't even imagine how crushing it would be to read something mean/bad written by the person who means the most to you when he/she isn't even there to apologize and make it up to you.If you are dating/engaged to someone never ever write something negative about your significant other down. Then there is nothing to destroy.
This has been your widow public service announcement!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Joys that Sting
Moving apparently requires a good deal of reflection for me.
Moving in the office is particularly hard, because it's the place I'm most likely to run across Nathan's handwriting.
You might not expect his handwriting to be that big of a deal, but it is so distinctive- and was such an intimate part of my life... How many people's handwriting can you recognize- especially in the era of e-mail? Your family members and-- one or two of your friends? ...Maybe it's only because I'm a writer, but to me his handwriting is like his voice and so it's hard to run across unexpectedly.
I think the only thing harder is to know that at some point I won't run across it unexpectedly anymore.
At some point there will be an end to the "discoveries."
It probably sounds like a ridiculous thing to say, but the worst part of death is that there is never any more.
What I have is it.
Kara found me a poem, a while back. I'll share it with you, because C.S. Lewis was a brilliant man.
Moving in the office is particularly hard, because it's the place I'm most likely to run across Nathan's handwriting.
You might not expect his handwriting to be that big of a deal, but it is so distinctive- and was such an intimate part of my life... How many people's handwriting can you recognize- especially in the era of e-mail? Your family members and-- one or two of your friends? ...Maybe it's only because I'm a writer, but to me his handwriting is like his voice and so it's hard to run across unexpectedly.
I think the only thing harder is to know that at some point I won't run across it unexpectedly anymore.
At some point there will be an end to the "discoveries."
It probably sounds like a ridiculous thing to say, but the worst part of death is that there is never any more.
What I have is it.
Kara found me a poem, a while back. I'll share it with you, because C.S. Lewis was a brilliant man.
Joys that Sting
"Oh doe not die," says Donne, "for I shall hate
All women so." How false this sentence rings.
Women? But in a life made desolate
It is the joys once shared that have the stings.
To take the old walks alone, or not at all,
To order one pint where I ordered two,
To think of, and then not make, the small
Time-honoured joke (senseless to all but you);
To laugh (oh, one'll laugh), to talk upon
Themes that we talked upon when you were there,
To make some poor pretence of going on,
Be kind to one's old friends, and seem to care,
While no one (O God) through the years will say
The simplest, common word in just your way.
--C.S. Lewis
All women so." How false this sentence rings.
Women? But in a life made desolate
It is the joys once shared that have the stings.
To take the old walks alone, or not at all,
To order one pint where I ordered two,
To think of, and then not make, the small
Time-honoured joke (senseless to all but you);
To laugh (oh, one'll laugh), to talk upon
Themes that we talked upon when you were there,
To make some poor pretence of going on,
Be kind to one's old friends, and seem to care,
While no one (O God) through the years will say
The simplest, common word in just your way.
--C.S. Lewis
I recognize a lot of things in the poem, but it's the "(O God)" in the last sentence that gets me... because there is so much in those two words. It's the sorrow in the realization that he is gone that keeps dawning on you in moments you least expect it. It's the despair of never hearing his laugh again. It's the anger of having your plan and your life stolen away. It's the quiet fear of a life alone and without him. It's the stricken terror that what you are saying is true...
and the hopeful prayer that it isn't.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Velociraptor incident
Having a missing day.
Pioneer Woman had a post about a cowboy funeral.
And I saw that Ender's Game is being made into a movie, and I thought about how excited Nathan would have been.
And how he never got to read any books in the series except the first one.
And how much he liked it... and would have liked the rest of them.
And I just wish he could be here to finish so many things he didn't get to.
And to see me hold Bolt and how smiley Bolt is with me.
And to hold Bolt and for Bolt to be smiley with him.
And for that to melt me into a pile of goo.
And to talk to me when I'm irritated with someone or something.
And to give me his opinion on perfume.
And to tell me I'm beautiful. I miss that *so* much. I can't even begin to explain how much and how often I want to hear that I'm beautiful because he isn't here to say it to me.
And I'm afraid to say any of this.
I fight really hard to prove that I don't have emotional baggage, to show that I'm ok, to prove that I can and am able to move forward... and sometimes it feels like if I admit that I miss him then I'm throwing the markers that people use to judge how I'm doing down the drain.
Admitting to missing him is like a Velociraptor incident in this sign.
Only I don't even get days- I get interactions, so if someone just reads this blog post and doesn't read another post for a month I'm stuck in their head where I am right now, and my emotions just aren't that fixed.
I'm in a good place, but there is no way to prove it to anyone... cause I'd say it, even if I wasn't. I can only show it and that takes so darn long. Everything takes so darn long.
I don't want to have to start from scratch. I don't want to be realistic or fair. My life was already exactly where I wanted it to be and I want to pout about it, but that will just take up time that is already gone.
I don't even know how to explain it, but missing Nathan makes me so impatient for the rest of my life to happen. It's like I have to live for the both of us, and I'm just standing around.
Hi, my name is Renee and it's been 10 seconds since my last Velociraptor incident.
Pioneer Woman had a post about a cowboy funeral.
And I saw that Ender's Game is being made into a movie, and I thought about how excited Nathan would have been.
And how he never got to read any books in the series except the first one.
And how much he liked it... and would have liked the rest of them.
And I just wish he could be here to finish so many things he didn't get to.
And to see me hold Bolt and how smiley Bolt is with me.
And to hold Bolt and for Bolt to be smiley with him.
And for that to melt me into a pile of goo.
And to talk to me when I'm irritated with someone or something.
And to give me his opinion on perfume.
And to tell me I'm beautiful. I miss that *so* much. I can't even begin to explain how much and how often I want to hear that I'm beautiful because he isn't here to say it to me.
And I'm afraid to say any of this.
I fight really hard to prove that I don't have emotional baggage, to show that I'm ok, to prove that I can and am able to move forward... and sometimes it feels like if I admit that I miss him then I'm throwing the markers that people use to judge how I'm doing down the drain.
Admitting to missing him is like a Velociraptor incident in this sign.
Only I don't even get days- I get interactions, so if someone just reads this blog post and doesn't read another post for a month I'm stuck in their head where I am right now, and my emotions just aren't that fixed.
I'm in a good place, but there is no way to prove it to anyone... cause I'd say it, even if I wasn't. I can only show it and that takes so darn long. Everything takes so darn long.
I don't want to have to start from scratch. I don't want to be realistic or fair. My life was already exactly where I wanted it to be and I want to pout about it, but that will just take up time that is already gone.
I don't even know how to explain it, but missing Nathan makes me so impatient for the rest of my life to happen. It's like I have to live for the both of us, and I'm just standing around.
Hi, my name is Renee and it's been 10 seconds since my last Velociraptor incident.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
No compromises
I realized something really important this weekend... and I'm not sure exactly how to express it, but as I said, it's important, so I'm going to try.
It *really* matters how a person treats the fact that I'm a widow. And even more than just a general person, it really really really matters how a guy who is interested in me treats the fact that I'm a widow. Because that's it- it is a fact. Nathan is a part of who I am. And he always will be. You can't be so in love with a person and not have that love change you... and it's certainly impossible to be married to someone without it changing you. The "two become one" isn't just about sex... it's about becoming a "we" -about being unable to be separated in people's minds. Being part of a whole rather than a whole unto yourself. Nathan is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me thus far. That's not to say that I don't expect more great things to happen to me, and that's not to say I haven't had far more amazing people and events in my life than I deserve besides him... but as of right now, he's the top.
So, as a good friend of mine put it when I was talking about it this weekend, "The guy you want to eventually be with will think that it's great that you had a great relationship before, and tragic that it ended, but equally great and redemptive that you two met."
All I could say after that was, "Exactly. Exactly."
I could never be with a person who thought that my marriage to Nathan is a flaw in me... something that he has to forgive me for and work past and find strength to overcome. If it brings up insecurities in him, I can understand that. If it brings up fear that I will compare him, I get it. If it brings up confusion or even jealousy, I'm prepared for that, but Nathan was not a mistake I made, and I cannot and *will not* accept someone who thinks it was or makes me feel like he views it as such.
I was reading a book... well, actually I was skimming a book, written by two sisters whose husbands were killed in the same accident, making them young widows in the same moment. They talk about a lot of things that I recognize or understand about being a widow, but they also briefly tell about meeting their new husbands after being widows. The thing that is the clearest in both situations is that the men they would eventually marry understand that they have loved and lost and not only understand but respect that in these women. One wonders what he could "possibly have to offer you?" (Because he is younger and has less "life experience.") The other goes and finds her husband's grave site- not when they are getting serious, or even when they are dating, but before the girl had even really shown any interest at all, because he wanted to understand her better. He wanted to better know how to pray for her. Both of those are pretty extreme examples, and while I definitely appreciate the huge gesture of secretly going to find Nathan's grave, I don't *need* that.
But reading it made me cry, because there is a part of what those men did for their wives that I *do* need, if I get anything at all. What I have to have- What I absolutely cannot compromise on, is that this guy, this person, this Mr. Right, he has to get it. He has to understand that part of what he likes about me came from my marriage to this great guy... and losing him was tragic and hard but that somehow God reforged me. He has to rejoice that I found such happiness, and mourn that I had to go through something so soul-wrenching, and rejoice again that the broken road somehow led us to each other. And he can never imply that I need to be forgiven for loving my husband... or he'll never be able to be my husband. I did nothing wrong.
One of the sisters talks about a fear that loving another person means that you will lose the love you have for your first spouse. That somehow this new love will remove your old love from your heart. But that's not how it works and she makes the comparison to a mother and her children. Does a mother lose love for her first child when her second is born? Of course not- love isn't finite like that- Love grows. Each child carves out his or her own special place in our heart and love for one doesn't diminish love for another. Nathan has a place in my heart that is all his, and always will be.
Oh hey, Happy Valentine's Day, ya'll.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Joy
Apparently Feb 1st is the day to blog. I had a ton of people write blogs in my feed.
So what I was going to say... What I have to say.
I've been feeling recently like I have so much joy... and I've been seeing people who don't. And I want to share, but I don't know how. It's not something that just rubs off if I touch a person. It's not something that I can give by talking about it. It's not even something that I can pass along through prayer. (God can, but not me.) And I don't get it, cause I want to share... so many people have been asking about me and concerned about me and aware of this time... and I thank them for it--- but I'm ok.
I was talking to someone the other day and they said that people who are happy are easier to grieve for in some respects... because people tend to grieve the person the way *they* would want. And Nathan... he wouldn't have wanted tears and sorrow. Nathan *loved* life. Nathan would have wanted joy for me.
I saw an article today-- the 5 five regrets of the dying. And I thought- I don't think Nathan had many regrets... things that he would have changed about the way he lived. Obviously I think he would have chosen to live longer and experience more if he could've, but you can't really regret the life that you don't get. And he lived *so* well while he was here... and oh how he loved.
Sunday morning, I woke up at 8, and I lay in bed and I thought.. I wanted to be awake at 8:30... I wanted to be awake- but not in sorrow. And in that time I got this feeling... this anticipation... this awareness... and it will sound strange, but the only thing I can liken it to is the feeling I had that last week in the hospital... when I knew something bad was going to happen... only this time it wasn't a bad feeling... it was a good feeling. There is good up ahead... I just know it.
Since that day- since the bashing- I've just had a lightness of heart. Nathan would have loved his celebration. He's probably up in heaven jealous that he didn't think of it first. Or maybe he did and he told God to implant the idea in Kara's subconscious.
Anyway... I just feel... well-- not "healed" because I think there will always be scars and hang-ups... but I feel healthy. I'll never forget him. Never ever ever. But I don't feel so broken. I was *so* lucky to have been loved by such a man, and even if it never happens again... God will be enough... He will provide the friends, the people, the support that I need.
I wish I could give you a piece of that... a seed of that joy, but I don't know how.
So what I was going to say... What I have to say.
I've been feeling recently like I have so much joy... and I've been seeing people who don't. And I want to share, but I don't know how. It's not something that just rubs off if I touch a person. It's not something that I can give by talking about it. It's not even something that I can pass along through prayer. (God can, but not me.) And I don't get it, cause I want to share... so many people have been asking about me and concerned about me and aware of this time... and I thank them for it--- but I'm ok.
I was talking to someone the other day and they said that people who are happy are easier to grieve for in some respects... because people tend to grieve the person the way *they* would want. And Nathan... he wouldn't have wanted tears and sorrow. Nathan *loved* life. Nathan would have wanted joy for me.
I saw an article today-- the 5 five regrets of the dying. And I thought- I don't think Nathan had many regrets... things that he would have changed about the way he lived. Obviously I think he would have chosen to live longer and experience more if he could've, but you can't really regret the life that you don't get. And he lived *so* well while he was here... and oh how he loved.
Sunday morning, I woke up at 8, and I lay in bed and I thought.. I wanted to be awake at 8:30... I wanted to be awake- but not in sorrow. And in that time I got this feeling... this anticipation... this awareness... and it will sound strange, but the only thing I can liken it to is the feeling I had that last week in the hospital... when I knew something bad was going to happen... only this time it wasn't a bad feeling... it was a good feeling. There is good up ahead... I just know it.
Since that day- since the bashing- I've just had a lightness of heart. Nathan would have loved his celebration. He's probably up in heaven jealous that he didn't think of it first. Or maybe he did and he told God to implant the idea in Kara's subconscious.
Anyway... I just feel... well-- not "healed" because I think there will always be scars and hang-ups... but I feel healthy. I'll never forget him. Never ever ever. But I don't feel so broken. I was *so* lucky to have been loved by such a man, and even if it never happens again... God will be enough... He will provide the friends, the people, the support that I need.
I wish I could give you a piece of that... a seed of that joy, but I don't know how.
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