Think of me fondly...

Happy birthday to the most adorable 3 year old I know.

Having been a guest blogger I feel a bit like I'm famous... I mean I'm being published in California! That means something! I'm just sure of it.

So today someone posted this great video about the dangers of Melanoma and the importance of checking your skin once a month, to catch it early... only one of the people on the psa is a lady who says she's doing it because she lost her best friend- the love of her life to it... and she held up a picture of herself, and her husband and her child. And I started to cry... I don't make noise when I cry. I'm a silent tears kinda gal... but I saw a girl who was my age holding up a picture... and I  *know*how hard it is to only have a picture to show people who your husband was. I couldn't stop the sobbing... I couldn't hold in the noise... I could barely catch my breath, and 10 minutes later when I finally got back under control, the whites of my eyes were the same color as my face... and though it did make my eyes look very green, it wasn't a good look. I was just blindsided by it. It was a good day, and then out of nowhere an emotional landmine exploded in my face, and left me curled up in a ball on my bed, aching. It was a good video... really honest and clear about the danger and the way to catch the cancer before it gets ugly. But that wife...

You can't catch leukemia before it gets bad... at least not Nathan's and I suspect not any leukemia. There isn't really "early detection." I can't imagine how hard it would be to think, "Maybe if we had just noticed earlier..." I really hope she doesn't think that...

I forget how much it hurts sometimes... that's probably some sort of coping mechanism. It doesn't make sense, that I should start crying out of nowhere... but then again, it doesn't make sense that I should ever stop crying, either. It just slams into me with the force of a Mack truck without any warning, and I don't even know how I manage to claw my way out far enough to tell people that I need them.

"...Yes, should you need us- for any reason at all...

I need you, Hoggle. I don't know why, but every now and again in my life - for no reason at all - I need you. All of you."

I need you to help me to not live in dread of hitting one of those landmines... and to be silly with me until late in the night... and to understand how hard it is to figure out who I am after cancer.... after death... and to think fondly of me, regardless.