Mental left

I hate it when my posts feel boring. But some days I'm just not inspired. I'm told that even when you don't have something earth-shattering to write that you should still write just because it's a good habit.... so I do. But don't think I don't know it when I've got a dud on my hands. When it's a good blog post it just seems to flow out of me and it's so easy to just write and write. When it's a not great one I just sit and stare at the screen and wonder what I should say.

Sometimes facts about my day come out. Sometimes random thoughts come out... sometimes I wax sentimental about attractive celebrities.

** abrupt mental turn**

Waiting on God is hard. I'm like Jeriah in some respects. When he wants something and doesn't get an answer he repeats himself. And when he still doesn't get an answer he repeats it louder. And louder and louder and louder until he gets an answer. That's what I do, too... I just repeat myself louder and louder and louder... I guess I want to be like the widow... Ha, that's kinda funny... but I mean the widow and the unjust judge in Luke 18

1Now He was telling them a parable to show that at all times they ought to pray and not to lose heart, 2saying, “In a certain city there was a judge who did not fear God and did not respect man.3“There was a widow in that city, and she kept coming to him, saying, ‘Give me legal protection from my opponent.’ 4“For a while he was unwilling; but afterward he said to himself, ‘Even though I do not fear God nor respect man, 5yet because this widow bothers me, I will give her legal protection, otherwise by continually coming she will wear me out.’” 6And the Lord said, “Hear what the unrighteous judge said; 7now, will not God bring about justice for His elect who cry to Him day and night, and will He delay long over them? 8“I tell you that He will bring about justice for them quickly. However, when the Son of Man comes, will He find faith on the earth?”

It takes a lot of perseverance to keep asking for something everyday until you wear the "opposing" party out. It seemed to be a lot easier when we were kids... why do you think that is? Are kids just used to not getting their way immediately? Or is that they have been working hard (and failing) at every accomplishment they've gotten (How often do toddlers fall down before they really master the whole walking thing?) Sometimes I wonder what Jesus would use as a parable if He were in the modern age. Would he talk about cell phone service and people who smoke and finding the perfect mechanic or would he still talk in farming stories and fishing stories.

**another abrupt mental turn**

The other day someone sent me an e-mail saying how much my blog helps them (and other people) cope with loss or grief... I'm always touched and amazed when I hear things like that. I'm so glad, to know it, too. I think that grief makes you selfish. It has to, in a way, because you have to take care of yourself to get through the pain, you have to be hyper vigilant of yourself and take care of yourself.... especially when it's your spouse, because no one else will be able to take care of you. So people finding some sort of help and comfort while I'm being totally self-centered... well it makes me feel a lot better about being self-centered for one thing.

** yet another abrupt mental turn**

I know that I have changed... I know that I have changed a lot from who I used to be... but I can't really tell how I've changed... But you don't go through a fire like that without having something burned away... I notice my own inconsistencies more, I suppose. For instance, I needed to stay home today and have some alone time. (I know, my introverted friends are sitting there with dropped jaws, right now.) And basically anything definitive that I say, I have to add a caveat to- usually within a few hours. I'm (strangely) more confident than I've ever been, and more willing to attempt to change the things about myself that I don't like. I might even have the smallest hint of ambition about me. I'm not sure that I'm better or worse than who I used to be... I certainly have far different things that I struggle with than I ever had before...

Tell me something, with all these mental right turns have I ended up where I started? Or did I just take the extra long way to take a mental left?