And We Must Wait

Nathan asked me once if I regretted not dating other people before committing to him. He kinda loved that I hadn't... a bit of the jealous type, that one. But he wondered if I ever wished that I'd had more dating experience. I responded that I was perfectly happy. If there was something better out there, well I'd never know, but I was sure that we were pretty well as good as it gets.

I'm really glad I didn't date more before Nathan. If I was missing something I can find it now and I didn't waste any time that could have been spent with him.

People who got married in 2007 are celebrating their 5th anniversary this year. All those weddings that happened the same spring and summer as ours. Not gonna lie, it sucks for me... Not that I don't want people to celebrate their marriages.... it's just painful sometimes... it used to be this happy thing that we shared and then my celebration got turned into a sorrow-versay. But I don't want people not to talk about it around me or treat me with kid gloves. I really am happy for them, there is just a selfish bit of my mind that gets sad, knowing that I should be excited and planning what we are going to do to celebrate, but I don't have that.

There are so many little things that sting and no one can do a darn thing about them. When you are in a long-term relationship there are little displays of affection that people take for granted, and I miss so much. Most of the time I don't think people even notice when they do them. I notice though and how I miss the shoulder to lay my head on. The hand to hold. Just being able to have someone I am comfortable enough with to lean against.

And despite all that, I can still say that while I miss my husband dearly... so much more often I miss my best friend.

A quote from Dr. Who:

The doctor, speaking to Queen Victoria of Prince Albert who has already passed away: "You must miss him."

Queen Victoria says: "Very much. Oh, completely. And that's the charm of a ghost story, isn't it? Not the scares and chills, that's just for children, but the hope of some contact with the great beyond. We all want some message from that place. It's the Creator's greatest mystery that we're allowed no such consolation. The dead stay silent, and we must wait."

I can't help but wonder what Nathan would think of me now. What would he say of the person I have become? Would he think that I've changed so much or that I'm actually not that different from who he always saw me as? Would he be shocked at how I've weathered this storm and how independent I am? Would he still think I was the most beautiful girl in the world? Would he be proud?

Even if he couldn't come back, even if it was just talking... I wish I could get his opinion. I miss hearing what he thought about things. I can guess sometimes, but it's not the same.

Yeah...

I blame Queen Victoria for this melancholy post.