Memorial Day

Nathan has been heavily on my mind of late. It's sort of inevitable with weddings... especially since this one was so close to where Josh and Kara's wedding was... I have pretty strong associations with Josh and Kara's wedding and Nathan.

This was a wedding he should have been here for. That's what I kept thinking.... "Nathan should be here for this." Bill was in our wedding and I think Bill told me that Nathan would have been a groomsman. He could have been the one escorting me down the aisle. I missed the sweet smile he would have given me as he got all teary listening to friends saying the same thing we said to each other. I missed it so much. (Nathan was the one who cried at weddings, not me.) And how incredibly thrilled he would have been for Bill and Melissa. He would have been so so happy.

Bill's dad came up to me at the wedding. He was so sweet and he said to me that he "thought it might not be the right time to say it," but he wanted me to know how much he admired my strength, and that he thought I was amazing (I'm paraphrasing, I was taken off guard, so I didn't have my memory fully engaged.) I was so surprised and touched. You just never know who is watching you.

Paula was there and I was so glad to see her... I know she was feeling that Nathan should have been there, too. It's a bond that I hate that we share, but is at the same time- it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

I managed not to cry the whole day- weddings are happy! But when Bill toasted Melissa, ending with "You're my best friend." I almost did. It hit me with such a strong wave of home-sickness...That's the marriage that we had. I thought the world of him and he thought the world of me, and how I want that back...

Then today I had a flash of the terrible side of my experiences. We were having church as usual and suddenly I hear someone run into the sanctuary. I turned and saw Sam (Tim's son) say something to Jonny, who jumped up from his seat, grabbed the baby carrier with August in it and not-quite-sprinted out- followed by 2 other guys in the back of the church. I knew that Katie was teaching Sunday School (with Sam in class) and I started freaking out. I almost got up and followed them because I needed to know what was happening, but I was too scared at the same time, because my mind automatically went to the worst case scenarios: Katie had passed out for an unknown reason that would eventually be diagnosed as cancer, Katie had passed out upstairs and cracked her head open, Katie had managed to slice her artery open on a pair of safety scissors and had passed out from blood loss, Katie fell down the stairs and broke her back... or her neck.. or every bone in her body, Katie had a stroke. I was dreading hearing ambulance sirens. I was wondering how I was going to be able to deal with all my "stuff" when it comes to hospitals and emergency rooms and ambulances and still be a good friend to the Carters. Basically I was *freaking the heck out.*

I don't think I heard a thing Tim said, because Jonny never came back. And I knew that everything I was thinking was over the top and a worst case scenario, (I mean, seriously who's natural first response is to suspect a 25 (26?) year old girl has cancer?!) but I was so afraid. Eventually when the songs started and there still hadn't been an ambulance I calmed down a little bit but I was still worried. First thing I said to someone was to ask what had happened to Katie.

Kara, God love her, wasn't too afraid to call and find out, like I was.

(by the way, Katie fell off a chair and broke her radius near the elbow and damaged her wrist. She has a sling and will be seeing an orthopedist on Tuesday to find out more.)

So I guess if I have baggage it's that kind of baggage. The kind that makes me freak out with PTSD when I don't know what's going on, but makes me too scared to go find out.

Do you have any idea how much I dislike being that illogical? Do you have any idea how little I cared  in the moment that I was being illogical and just wanted to throw myself into someone's arms, anyway?

Impulse control- I still have to fight so hard for it sometimes.