Think of me fondly...

Happy birthday to the most adorable 3 year old I know.

Having been a guest blogger I feel a bit like I'm famous... I mean I'm being published in California! That means something! I'm just sure of it.

So today someone posted this great video about the dangers of Melanoma and the importance of checking your skin once a month, to catch it early... only one of the people on the psa is a lady who says she's doing it because she lost her best friend- the love of her life to it... and she held up a picture of herself, and her husband and her child. And I started to cry... I don't make noise when I cry. I'm a silent tears kinda gal... but I saw a girl who was my age holding up a picture... and I  *know*how hard it is to only have a picture to show people who your husband was. I couldn't stop the sobbing... I couldn't hold in the noise... I could barely catch my breath, and 10 minutes later when I finally got back under control, the whites of my eyes were the same color as my face... and though it did make my eyes look very green, it wasn't a good look. I was just blindsided by it. It was a good day, and then out of nowhere an emotional landmine exploded in my face, and left me curled up in a ball on my bed, aching. It was a good video... really honest and clear about the danger and the way to catch the cancer before it gets ugly. But that wife...

You can't catch leukemia before it gets bad... at least not Nathan's and I suspect not any leukemia. There isn't really "early detection." I can't imagine how hard it would be to think, "Maybe if we had just noticed earlier..." I really hope she doesn't think that...

I forget how much it hurts sometimes... that's probably some sort of coping mechanism. It doesn't make sense, that I should start crying out of nowhere... but then again, it doesn't make sense that I should ever stop crying, either. It just slams into me with the force of a Mack truck without any warning, and I don't even know how I manage to claw my way out far enough to tell people that I need them.

"...Yes, should you need us- for any reason at all...

I need you, Hoggle. I don't know why, but every now and again in my life - for no reason at all - I need you. All of you."

I need you to help me to not live in dread of hitting one of those landmines... and to be silly with me until late in the night... and to understand how hard it is to figure out who I am after cancer.... after death... and to think fondly of me, regardless.

Guest Blog!

Check it, yo! Remember how I talked about writing a blog for someone, a few weeks ago? Well, I did, and now I'm a real life guest blogger! http://lookingformoreblog.wordpress.com

1 Adventure obtained!

Hello, Horizons, Wanna Expand?

The problem with curly hair is that it requires you to shower in the morning, rather than at night. The problem with showering in the morning is it requires you to get up earlier than you otherwise would. The problem with getting up earlier is it requires you to stop hitting the snooze button. The problem with no longer hitting the snooze button is that you aren't getting any extra 5 minutes. The problem with no extra 5 minutes is that you went to bed at 4 in the morning and every 5 minutes is a vital 5 minutes. So me not getting enough sleep? Basically it's my curly hair's fault.

On a note related to my blog from yesterday, Kara thinks I need to take adventure suggestions from you, dear readers. When I say "adventure suggestions" I mean....well,  pretty much anything... Kara mentioned going back to school for interior design, which I'm strongly considering, and she also mentioned taking up hiking... which I am open to, but slightly hesitant about- I've never been super outdoorsy... and hiking seems heavy. No literally, the backpacks seem heavy. But there are many other risks in this world, and adventures to be had, and mayhaps you can think of a few that you think I should embark on. So go ahead. Tell me what you think I should do. The worst that can happen is I'll say, "No way, hombre." But who knows? Maybe I'll say, "Hello, horizons, wanna expand?"

Tonight I determined that if I ever get a tattoo-- and most likely I never will- but if I do, it will be of a swallow. Black ink, simple silhouette, classic/ pretty, somewhere on my right shoulder blade.

They are classic tattoos, which I like- Giving a nod to the history of the tattoo. They are graceful (which I'm totally not- though I so wish I was!) They represent a safe return home, a hardship survived, loyalty, love  and freedom, depending on who you ask, and those are all ideas that I very much support. :) They can also represent nautical miles logged, but I'll just ignore that one. Plus it just feels right... I've never known what I would get as a tattoo before and then Katie said "bird," and I there it was, in my head, as though it'd just been waiting for me to discover the idea. I think I might be turning into more of an intuitive... Ya think that's possible?

Ok, an hour just went past as I sat here typing and I had no idea.... I should probably go to bed.. I mean, that is, if my hair will let me get any sleep.

So carefully, carefully, with the plates.

Thank you for all your comments, both on Facebook and on my blog post from yesterday. It helps to know how many people are on my side... Sometimes I forget that the world I am so afraid of judging me also contains an awful lot of people who love me.

I went to a new restaurant in town today called the "Aviary Cafe and Creperie." It's downtown and it was *really* good. Really good. I recommend. And so does my friend Katie, who wrote a blog about it.

I want an adventure... but unfortunately my sense of responsibility precludes much adventuring.

Did you know that one time in college, Nathan and I and two other friends were sitting around talking about how we all just wanted to *do* something... and then somebody started talking about going to Santa Fe... and then we all up and decided to go. Only I backed out at the last minute cause I was directing a show and had practice the next day, among other responsibilities... I don't think they actually went all the way to Santa Fe... I think they stopped at Albuquerque... where the University of New Mexico is.

It was really hard, saying that I wasn't going to go... and then it was really lonely because all the people I was hanging out with had gone off on a grand adventure and I stayed put. I don't know why I didn't go... I like spontaneous... but I felt like I had things I couldn't flake out on... and I don't like it when people don't do what they say...

I wish I'd done that crazy thing.. I mean I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually that much fun once you got past the up-and-go endorphins... but... I dunno, tonight at least I wish I'd gone. If I had I could have seen Albuquerque with Nathan.

Nathan loved what the University of New Mexico looked like... so much so that he used to talk about taking me there someday, so I could experience it, too... that and the Santa Monica Pier.....

He went to Santa Monica on a mission trip to LA once... The one where Kara won on The Price is Right... he thought the pier was one of the prettiest places ever... but he never actually told me why he thought so... It could very well have been that the pier is pretty, but that he got really excellent customer service at a restaurant there, or that he met some kids and built a sandcastle with them or something... He was easily swayed by good experiences with people.

The problem with adventures, though is that I want companions and a quest and magical artifacts that I'll suddenly discover a use for mid-way through the journey. What good is adventuring on your own? Then it's just hard and lonely and you have no one to help set up camp.

Though for companions I would prefer it not be a bunch of dwarven men who will break all my plates... I have very pretty plates... they are green and blue streaked and square. But I'll make do with what I'm given, I suppose.

Yikes, Smells, and Saving

I cleaned off my desk today. I'm like a big girl or something. Let's not talk about the rest of my apartment which I didn't actually get around to cleaning...

Ok, so Kara and I were driving tonight and I didn't think that a car coming at us was going to stop at their red light as we went through an intersection. So I said, "Yikes!" and then, "Gosh, I didn't think he was going to stop!"

Then Kara proceeded to giggle at me for saying "Yikes!" To which my first response was, "I'm adorable! That's adorable!" and then I said, "And anyway, I say that all the time." But Kara doesn't think that I do, she thinks I must just say it in my head a lot. I disagree, and the only way we can settle this is to poll you, my dear readers. Have you heard/read me say "yikes" to you? Or is Kara right, and it's all in my head? I mean if I'd said "Jinkies!" then I think Kara would have a point... but "yikes"? I say it all the time! Right, guys? ...Right? ...Guys? ...Don't let the crickets start chirping, guys!

BTW, By request of Kara, I'm removing the captcha requirement to leave a comment-- she dislikes it and I will see how much spamming I actually get.... and how much it actually changes Kara's process to leave a comment.

I noticed something tonight when I entered my apartment. It doesn't smell right. Not even bad, just not "right." You know how each person's house smells distinctive? As in, if you could bottle the smell of a dwelling and then do a blind test- I could tell you whose house it is? Is this just me? Surely it isn't. Anyway, my house doesn't smell right. And I don't know if it's because Nathan isn't here to make it smell differently, or if it's because I burned dinner last week and the carbon molecules in the air have absorbed some latent odor, or if it's the changing season.. It's weird when your house doesn't smell like you... It's like I just moved or something.

I was watching the news tonight for a little while, and of course it was all about Osama and 9/11... And at one point they interviewed the families of several 9/11 victims... One woman talked about her husband, and how she wanted to find her husband's wedding ring from ground zero... another girl was sent her mother's drivers license from the rubble and she has saved it...and then they talked to this man and asked him what he saved... and he said he never falls asleep on his wife's side of the bed. For 10 years he has saved that spot for her, and he said, "I know she isn't there. I wish she was, but I know she isn't."

Then they cut back to the news reporters, and the man (whom I didn't recognize) said, "Just to think, he saved her side for 10 years..."

And then Diane Sawyer shook her head and with a tone of respect and wonder said, "10 years..."

And I was both horrified and terrified. I heard the admiration in her voice... and I'm so afraid that that is what is expected of me... That somehow if I don't hold onto Nathan to the exclusion of all others for 10 years or even for the rest of my life, it will cheapen our relationship in the eyes of the rest of the world. I recently heard of some young teen star (I know, obvious font of wisdom) quoted as saying that her grandmother was her hero, because she never re-married after her grandfather died, and that showed true love. I'm a romantic. I know about pledging eternal devotion, I know about the romance of admiring from a far- suffering in silence, I know about the story of Romeo and Juliet... That's one of the most well known love stories on the planet... and the main characters kill themselves when they think the other is dead. And they aren't the only stories in which the true loves don't end up together...Casablanca, Gone with the Wind, Titanic, Ghost, A Walk to Remember... Oh gosh... A Walk to Remember hits awful close to home now... All of them tell me to "never let go." But I don't want to stay here... I don't want to save his side of the bed for 10 years... I don't want to go 10 years with no one to clean the desk off for... I don't want to go ten years without someone to miss when they work late... I don't want to go 10 years without someone to gripe to when I don't like what someone says on facebook. I don't want to go so long without someone to make decisions with, and talk to as I fall asleep, and kiss goodbye.  Is it so impossible to have true love twice, without either of them being cheapened? I don't want to idolize Nathan, I don't want to make his side of the bed into a trap that I can't trigger without tremendous sorrow and guilt and fear and anxiety... It doesn't mean we didn't have true love... it just means that I didn't die and he didn't want me to live like I did. And I know all that... until Diane Sawyer says, "10 years..." in that tone of wonderment, and then my fear of somehow not honoring Nathan and everything we had flares up and I fall into a burning ring of fire.

Comments Encouraged: Or, The Pursuit of Interesting

You know what's really exciting? Looking in your refrigerator and discovering the strawberries you bought yesterday and forgot about.

If you've never had this experience you will just have to trust me.

I've been thinking about interpersonal relationships a lot lately. All relationships require work, but do you have the ones in your life that are just inexplicably easier? You just seem to understand each other without having to go into lengthy explanation. The flow of conversation is usually smoother and your senses of humor line up. The relationship in general is just easy. You don't get frustrated with the other person's quirks and they don't seem to get frustrated with your annoying little eccentricities.

Who? Me? Annoying little eccentricities? You mean like singing about 3 bars of a song over and over without realizing it? I don't think I do anything like that... yeah... never.

Well anyway.. Do you think there is a way to tell who you will have these types of rel-easy-ships with, or is it that elusive spark of chemistry that can't be captured in a bottle. I'm not talking romantic relationships, necessarily, platonic friendships can be just as easy. When I think of the people who I have this natural accord with, they don't really have a lot in common with me or with each other... so it makes me think it's just that flicker of the ineffable. But what do you think? Is it scientific? Is it something that can be narrowed down or defined?

In other news I think that my car might have stolen my interesting-ness. I've noticed that since Friday I seem to have a lot more difficulty coming up with things to write about on here, and I've been a bit of a dud in actual conversations as well. I think hybrids might drain a person's interesting meter in order to power themselves (they SAY it's the electric motor....) I'm not sure if it's hybrids in general, Priuses, or mine in particular but it's working as personality kryptonite for me. (Yeah, that's a good/interesting description... but it's totally not mine- Thanks, Ryan.) Seriously, I totally considered writing about using my windshield wipers today for the first time- before I realized: That's insanely boring!

I'll keep writing, because Pioneer Woman tells me that when you hit writer's block you just gotta keep plugging away, though I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to hear about my windshield wipers either.

I'm open to suggestions, by the way. Want to help me rediscover my creativity? Is there anything you want to know about me? Is there any subject you want to hear my thoughts on? Feel free to offer it up.

I just looked up "interesting" in a thesaurus. Here are the results: absorbing, affecting, alluring, amusing, arresting, attractive, beautiful, captivating, charismatic, compelling, curious, delightful, elegant, enchanting, engaging, engrossing, enthralling, entrancing, exceptional, exotic, fascinating, fine, gracious, gripping, impressive, intriguing, inviting, lovely, magnetic, pleasing, pleasurable, prepossessing, provocative, readable, refreshing, riveting, stimulating, stirring, striking, suspicious, thought-provoking, unusual, winning

That pretty well describes what I want my blog to be--- heck that describes what I want to be! ... well, everything except suspicious... that's the black sheep of the "interesting" synonym family.

Sardines and Edleweiss

I was at Katie and Jonny's until 2 in the morning. It was quite fun and I laughed a lot. You know, I would be perfectly content to do this every night, though I'm sure I'd want to change/add people from time to time. And I'd have to start writing my blog in the afternoon, cause starting this at 2 is not my greatest idea ever. I have decided for sure, though, that I'm going to put my book of questions in my car, so that, when the situation arises, I have a go-to resource for all sorts of random questions.

I love nights like this, when something spontaneous and almost magical seems to happen, everyone is in just the right temperament and suddenly early birds are staying up till past midnight, and no one wants to leave because they are having such a good time. These were the nights that college was made of for me, and part of the reason why I look back on college with such fond memories. They are a lot harder to come by these days. Everyone has to be so responsible and go to work and live in their own homes and be so adult-y. Sometimes I feel like the kid who's knocked on every door in the neighborhood and all the parents told me,"No, little Susie can't come out to play." But tonight? We had just enough people to play a killer game of sardines, all over the neighborhood.

Seriously, want to know a really fun time I had once? Playing Sardines in and around the library and then the quad on campus. We were in pairs to make it "safe." I don't even remember who all was there, but it was great. I wish I had the run of Juanita K, or JQH Arena for a night, or heck, even Craig Hall! ... I'd get a group of 20-30 people give them flashlights, turn off all the lights and play Sardines... it would be so fun! Ok, don't know what "Sardines" is? Go to this site-- it's pretty easy to understand. 

I drove around quite a bit today, and brought my gas mileage up from 43 mpg to 48.2... I'm shooting for over 50.... Seriously, it's like driving around a video game.

Ok, I should go to bed. I just sat here for about 10 minutes looking at the screen not even thinking about what to write, just thinking about playing Sardines and video games... and what I'm going to do tomorrow, and everything I did today and what I could go eat, cause it's 3 AM and I ate at 7PM... and none of that is really even very interesting it's just taking my brain that long to process everything... Plus church tomorrow... you know... that's going on...  So perhaps, my dear ones it is time for me to lay my head down upon my pillow.

Adieu, until the morrow.

Random thought: I really wish Edleweiss from the Sound of Music was an Austrian folk song, instead of a song they just wrote for the Sound of Music. But I just learned it was the last song that Rogers and Hammerstein ever wrote together, so that makes it a little better. (Hammerstein died from stomach cancer 9 months later.) That it is their last song together is poetic and so sad.