Weird Paranoia

Do you ever have moments of paranoia? Where you have (from your perspective) a really great conversation or time with someone, and then you don't interact with them very much for several days (or a week, or weeks) afterward and you suddenly start doubting it all?

You wonder if it ever happened at all.

DID that old man in Wal-mart wink at me or did I just think he did? Did the other person have as much fun as I did, or did (s)he just pretend to? Did I say something offensive, or was I boring, or not interested enough in them, or have they just decided that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end? Or has something more interesting happened in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me-- no offense!

Oh sure, if you look at the bare facts they seem to indicate certain conclusion.

But since when did human interactions ever kowtow to logic or reason?

I'll take "Since Never" for $500, Alex.

I think this is why I like directness so much. I'd so much rather know where I stand than skirt around something and wonder and wonder and attempt to read between the lines and then wonder if there even are lines or if I just made them up.

It's kinda like the word "weird" for me. I look at it too much and I'm just sure that I've misspelled it. Still. Even thought I know I haven't... It's only 5 letters for Pete's sake! How can you over-think 5 letters? How much more straightforward can it get!? Yet, if I stare at it for much longer I start to wonder if it's even a word at all. Maybe that arrangement of letters actually means "snaggletooth" or "destiny" and I have no clue and no one will tell me, cause I should be able to tell. I mean, come on, isn't it obvious?

Problem is that I get to this place a lot faster than most people, I think.

And the worst part is that this paranoia is the strongest with the people I know the least.

The juxtaposition between the virtue of modesty and the attractive quality of confidence is a thin and exceedingly difficult line for me to walk... I mean if we are going to be honest here... Not everyone is gonna like me (Say it ain't so!) I am going to be offensive, or boring, or not interested enough in them. Someone will decide that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end. Something more interesting will happen in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me, no offense. And who the heck am I, to think that I deserve their attention just cause I liked spending time with them? Little full of yourself, aren't you, Renée? Land-a-goshen, just let them be and stop acting so desperate!

Did you see that? That is basically a direct translation of what happens in my head on a pretty regular basis...

It's kinda funny. For most people paranoia is that others are out to get them. For me it's that they aren't out to get me, when I want them to.

It's Me Who I Don't Get.

You'd think... with all the time I spend by myself and on myself and blogging about myself that I would be more familiar with myself.

But I'm not really.

On a very regular basis I surprise myself. It's as if I barely know the person whose skin I'm wearing... whose brain I inhabit.

Several times this weekend I got super dramatic about people actions secretly meaning they hate me... And while I know that it's not true even in the slightest bit I also know that jokes like that normally come from a pretty insecure place.

Last week I wondered if I should really be a writer at all.

Today I got super concerned cause Kara replied to an e-mail I sent with a question, and that is all. Now, sure it's not normal for her to just ask a single question but Kara has never been the type to be pithy when she's upset with me and yet I was seriously concerned.

I was also frustrated all morning for no reason whatsoever.

And there are so many other reactions I have that I simply don't understand.

Why am I startled or confused or skittish? What the heck is wrong with me? Do I need a self-interpreter?

You'd think that the only person who I wouldn't need explained to me would be myself, but it is almost always the opposite. I can normally read others exceedingly well.

It's me who I don't get.

Cookies and Compliments

I'm happy. I'm just so darn happy.

Now a smart man might observe that I've had an extrovert's dream weekend- Multiple people wanting to hang out with me every day this weekend- much laughter and fun, and it's not even over quite yet.

I just don't know how I've managed to find the very best people in all the world and convince them that they should like me and hang out with me, but it keeps happening.

I was thinking this weekend.  (Shocking, I know.) Some friends of mine and I were talking about a mutual acquaintance and commenting that she kinda always seems grumpy and in a bad mood. (Pretty sure that none of you know her, so I'm not terribly concerned about revealing her gender.) Anyway, I think I'm actually the one who said that she kinda seems to hate everything. And then a little bit later I had to add-- but she has gone through a lot of very hard terrible stuff. Then we mentioned another person who has also gone through some rather trying circumstances and turned to some unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Now I really don't believe that there is a scale of heartache. I don't think you can compare pain. Kara told me a story in college about her best friend in high school who had a brain aneurysm and then her mother passed away within the space of a year or so. (Sorry, Kara, if I don't have the details quite right.) Anyway, Kara was telling me a story about how after all this terrible stuff had happened Kara broke up with or had a fight with her boyfriend and was crying to her friend about it and expressed feeling bad because it was nothing compared to her friend's sorrows, and this friend told her (a very wise high schooler) that all pain is the same. That has really stuck with me. It has been a comfort when I had "very little" pain in my life but it still hurt like the dickens, and it's been a comfort to me since Nathan died. Pain is pain. It hurts and you just can't compare it, because in the moment it just hurts and that's all. There are specific reactions that it's harder to understand unless you've been through a similar situation, but the hurt... that's universal.

But back to what I was saying- I would not say that I've had a worse experience than these two other people. Everyone's pain is the same. The causes and our experiences are vastly different, but when it comes to dealing with pain... well, I've been in that game, at least. And I know... I *know* how easy and how tempting it is to let yourself turn to those coping mechanisms which aren't healthy but numb the pain. And I know how often I would like to just be in a bad mood because I want people to understand that I've gone through something and the world owes me more kindness. And I know how nice it would be to let those coping mechanisms and anger become walls that protect me from an existence that isn't what it should be, and I have no judgement for these people... cause I get it... oh gosh. I get it.

But I think that my life is better because I** choose joy. I think that I'm able to be so very happy-- despite everything-- because I made (and keep making) a decision to look for the beauty- to seek out the good and glorious, to make jokes and laugh and enjoy everything that I can. Now, that can make me a little saccharine at times, I know, but it's because I'm determined to notice and point out the sweet.

We know the pain, it's easy to feel the pain... sometimes people have to be reminded of the positive- especially when it happens in the middle of the pain. But it's worth it. It's so worth it, because it means that I can be happy, despite a life that is not all I want.

I just want it for other people too. I wish I could share it with them. Everyone should be able to be as happy as I am.

I wish I had a magic wand. I wish I had a way to give happiness. But all I have are cookies and compliments.

**This should probably all come with a caveat that it's also super hard, and I really, truly, and honestly believe that I could not have chosen joy if I did not have my faith. If I didn't have that baseline of hope and comfort and joy, I do not think I could be saying any of this. And that's probably why I have no judgement of how other people deal with their great hurts- because if not but for the grace of God, so go I.

Not Having It All Together

So Kara said something when she was down that I've thought a lot about.

She said that it really looked like I had my life together.

And I laughed and thanked her, cause I think that is a wonderful compliment.

But I've been thinking about it ever since.

And I'm gonna be honest here, because that's what this blog is all about-- the open, honest, real me.

And let me just say straight out-- It's not true that I've got my life together. I don't.

What I have together is my act. You see, I pretend. I can actually put up a really really good front, because I was in theatre for a long time. And I think that it makes people who care about me worry less, and I'd do just about anything for the people who love me. So making sure that I look like I've got my life in order.... well if it makes me look good and it makes them not worry... Where's the harm?

Except, here's the thing... I don't want to be the Joneses. I don't want someone to compare what they see of me to their own life and think that they don't measure up... I don't want to be anyone's yard stick. Because I don't have my stuff together as much as it seems like I do on the outside and everyone always takes the worst of their own life and the best of someone else's life to make those comparisons... So I'm gonna be real. Here, if nowhere else.

So real stuff:

I get cavities a lot cause I take terrible care of my teeth and drink too much soda.

On the flip side, I never ever eat enough fruit or vegetables.

I desperately want some guy to fall head over heels for me, but I get crushes on guys who are unobtainable because they are safe and I got lucky with Nathan in that he eventually decided he loved me, but I'm not sure that's ever gonna happen again.

I don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I want to write, but I'm also terrified of it, and I know exactly how financially unsound that is and if I'm going to have to support myself for the rest of my life, I'm not sure that I can do it, but none of the things that I like to do make enough money to live on.. except maybe teaching, but I hated teaching at the high school level and I don't know if it will be the same at the college level, and even if it isn't, then I still have to put in another two years after this master's.

Which will most likely be in a different town than this one..... This town where my friends are and the support system that has gotten me through so much, and I'm terrified that if one more beam falls out of the system then the whole thing will collapse.

I can *feel* my biological clock ticking, but I know that to have a baby there are so many ducks that have to be in a row and none of them are and that scares the heck out of me cause I don't want to fall in love and get married just for a baby... but I *really* want that to be a part of the plan and I feel really old to not be anywhere close to that.

I know what I'm good at, and I throw it at people in the hopes that they will admire it. In the hopes that they will think that I've really got my act together, in the hopes that they will like me, but I am constantly afraid that I'm not really liked, just generally tolerated, and I read *way* too much into how people act around me. And I just think too much about friendship in general.

And I'm not happy with my weight but I don't do a darn thing about it, except to attempt to cut back on calories, which doesn't seem to have any effect whatsoever (probably cause I still don't eat enough vegetables), and I hate exercise because a) I suck at it and b) I hate getting sweaty.

And I drink bottled water, cause I'm lazy and tap water doesn't taste good and Britta pitchers are annoying, even though I know it's terrible for the environment.

And the only true opinion I have about politics is that I hate how mean and angry it makes everyone.

And while I have a tremendous amount of faith in God, I hardly ever read my Bible and my praying is pretty much exclusively what I want for myself or my friends and very little about worship. And obviously if I'm worried about all the stuff above I'm not doing a good job in trusting in the God's plan.

And I just want everyone to think that I'm practically perfect, because I'm ashamed of my flaws and I think they will make you not like me that much. And I probably have some fear issues that are unresolved..

And I'm pretty sure I have terrible taste in music, but I just like what I like.

Oh... and I'm an orange vampire... as when I "eat" an orange I just suck all the juice out of a piece and move on, and I know that's super weird and gross, but I don't like the pulp part, and orange juice is *not* the same.

Now does that sound like someone who has it all together?

And the list could go on and on...

So I guess what I'm saying is... you still don't need to worry about me, loved ones... but if you aren't... if you are just one of those people who casually knows me and have ever found yourself lacking in comparison. I'm sorry. The dice were weighted. This chick most definitely doesn't have it all together... not even a little bit.

It's dangerous to go alone! Take this.

I was speaking to a friend of mine last night. (And lest you get any ideas, let me be clear that while this friend of mine is male and quite dear, he is also happily paired off.) We were speaking of relationships and the beginning of relationships and he was lending me a male perspective, which I always appreciate (remember-- though I was married, Nathan was also the only man I ever dated!) and my friend was advising me to perhaps be a bit more forward/obvious because it can be scary for a guy to just walk out on a limb. (And I can get so shy when I like someone that I know I send mixed signals.) And then he said something that finally made sense of an issue that often bothers me.

He said, "You have a lot of.... how to put it... self-assurance? You know you are awesome and kissable, and I think sometimes that might translate to guys as 'untouchably pristine' or confident."

Oh.

OH!

Is that why I don't get asked on dates or flirted with the way that I see happening to most girls?

Is that why, even though I think I'm reasonably attractive and have a pleasant enough personality and work very hard to be the best version of myself, I find myself so often unchosen?

He's right about the self-assurance... I know that I'm loved and that I can be loved. I believe that I'm a good person and worth getting to know. I know I'm smart and pretty good at a lot of different things... I even think I can be rather adorable at times.

But he's wrong about the kissable. I don't know that I'm kissable. I'm actually really adamant about a guy having to make the first kiss move with me... because I desperately need to feel that I'm kissable, and me making that move would prove nothing. I don't think that a guy would be super likely to turn down a kiss... and I need to know that something in me inspires the notion of kissing, not that he-- whoever he is-- is just along for the ride.

I don't want to seem "untouchably pristine" or so confident that I'm intimidating. That's actually the last thing I want. I *want* to be touched. I want to be loved, I want to be in a relationship with a person who thinks I am a person... who sees my flaws and my positive traits and accepts the bad with the good. I want to be in a relationship with someone whose flaws and positive traits I can also see and accept... cause that's what real love is-- when the drawbacks don't actually make a difference.

I guess... I know I'm a good person. I know I'm worth knowing. I don't know when guys are interested in me at all. I only know when I'm interested, and not much ever seems to come from that. And I don't know that I'm actually attractive. Whatever it is that makes a person "dateable"... I don't know what that is, and I don't know that- what that is- is me. (Just keep re-reading the last sentence and eventually it will make sense.)

Which leaves me rather at an impasse, I suppose... but now I know a little more about how I am perceived .. and knowing is half the battle.

...

GI JOE!

Kindness

The last word was tautology.

I've been thinking about kindness lately.

And how important it is.

There are people in this world to whom kindness is inherent. They are naturally considerate. They take other's viewpoints into account. They are just nice and when greeted with someone else's kindness they respond with even greater enthusiasm and generosity of spirit.

And then there are those who take kindess as their due, but who don't return it. They are blank, they are accept but do not give. They offer up very little to the world as a whole and somehow still make people want to please them. It's not that they are mean, it's just that they are a kindness black hole.

Some people are sneakier. They are only kind to their loved ones. They are nice as long as the world at large doesn't know. They have great hearts but only shine their light under a bushel.

And then there are a few who really are mean. The Scrooges of the world who I think are more prevalent on television than in real life.

I've sorta always thought that this was just how people were made. Some who have a generous spirit and some who don't.

But I'm starting to wonder... Is kindness a continuum that you can progress (and regress) on?

If you pour enough into a black hole will you find out they are not a black hole but just a really large vase?

Or will he/she always be a black hole?

Can Scrooge and the Grinch really be transformed by a Christmas miracle or are they really always gonna be a Scrooge and a Grinch?

How inherent are people's characteristics?? It's sorta like wondering if my favorite color is ever gonna change. Am I going to wake up one day and discover it's chartreuse rather than cerulean?

Introverts and me

So here's the thing.

I'm an extrovert.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

It took me until sometime in the middle of college... or maybe even after college to figure it out, because I'm not good at small talk. I'm not super gregarious. I don't have a sparkling personality that makes everyone want to stop and talk with me. I don't talk to everyone if I go to a party. I'm quiet and I'm not that outgoing.

So it's safe to say I'm not what people would call a "typical extrovert."

But I call myself an extrovert because I love people. I need to be around people. People make me happy. I crave the company of others. Now obviously this applies to all people, but there is something in me that especially loves introverts.

I'm not completely sure why, but I've developed close bonds with introverts too many times at this point to dismiss the pattern. Perhaps it's that I identify with so many of the traits that people say are normal of introverts. Perhaps it's that I love the "underdog." Perhaps it's that I love a challenge. Perhaps it's that I need balance. Perhaps it's that if an introvert wants to be my friend it feels like I've somehow won a prize or proven my worth. Perhaps it's that I just really find introverts endearing.

Yep, endearing. I love it when one of my introverted friends goes on one of their surprise rants. I love observing and figuring them out better than most people do. I love being someone they can stand to be around when they finally do need a friend. I guess that introverts take me by surprise pretty often and I really like that.

So, obviously I'm a huge fan of all the things that are posted about taking care of introverts- Instructional manuals for my friends? Yes, please! Also they are usually funny. Like this one, where the introvert lives in a hampster ball. Or this one where someone wrote an introvert "manifesto." And of course the most famous of them all: Caring for Your Introvert, which has made the facebook rounds about 4 times from what I can tell. It's not as funny, and some people find it downright offensive.

But I have noticed that people don't post things to facebook about the care and training of extroverts... And it's a little amusing because Jung (Carl Jung) defined "extroversion" as viewing the world through others first and "introversion" as viewing the world through self first. So of course there are tons of introvert-care articles, written by introverts. (Now lest you think I'm providing fodder for the "introverts are selfish" canon, let me be clear.  Introverts are not selfish. In fact, the kindest people I know are introverts. I's and E's just have different vantage points-- like introverts see the world via a mirror, and extroverts see themselves via a security cam.) (I almost deleted this paragraph but I like that metaphor too much.)

So I searched the internet and found a few things.

First there was this blog. I read it and nodded... and then frowned because there are a few things in the midst of the article that are really really not me. For instance: "we learn early on to master the expected patter about weather and jobs and how are the kids." Ha! Not me... but then again I was raised by introverts (though around them constantly) and subsequently I'm pretty darn comfortable with silence. And while I was/am wracked by insecurity about what others think of me... I've also never had any doubt that I was loved, so any love and human interaction I didn't get from my peers because I was so awkward I could always get from my family, which means that learning social skills was both slightly hard and slightly unnecessary, so I didn't achieve any sort of mastery.

Then I found these two designs-- Neither of which are angry or sarcastic, but actually work together.

This is technically written for the parents of introverts, so a few things seem a little condescending (reprimand them and teach them new skills privately), but at the same time I think they are still valid.

http://questionablylate.tumblr.com/post/17227500725/my-design-but-not-my-list-how-to-care-for

And then there is this one, written to be a companion to the first.

http://www.prettybutchlifts.com/2012/04/caring-for-extroverts.html

I read this and I was sold at #2... This happened spontaneously to me yesterday and I could barely contain my grin, though I, of course, down-played myself. I think I've written a blog just on that at some point. Someone boasting about my accomplishments to a third party (especially while I'm present) is one of the greatest things in the world...

Yeah... this was a kinda long and rambly blog... it's not very well organized but I just remembered that I have to go to the dentist in the morning, so I'm not going to go back and fix the organizational pattern. Cause I have reading that needs to happen and teeth to be checked in the morning.

Yesterday's word was tom-foolery. (I'm putting these at the bottom now so as to not start off so strangely.)

Walking in Beauty

Yesterday's word was destitute...  Here's the problem with that. Someone guessed it... well, maybe 2 someones... but the first guesser came up as anonymous.... so, I have no clue and no means of verifying who you are. So if you want to remain anonymous I think you should e-mail me and let me know who you are... if not-- comment and tell me! This is especially confusing because the people who most often guess did guess- under their own names.... *confused*

Also I'm pondering a retro-active rule change... in that if someone guesses they get 1 point... and if they get it right they get 2 points and if they are the first to get it right they get 3... what do you guys think? I'll be blown out of the point-water pretty fast with this method, but it will be less discouraging for those who guess and guess and keep getting it wrong. *coughRhondacough*

Anyway, moving on.

I took a nap this evening, and I dreamt of several things... One of them strangely enough was my favorite poem. Then I searched my blog and realized I've blogged about a lot of poems, but never my favorite one.

My favorite poem is She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron.

It has been since my senior year in high school, when we had to memorize and recite a poem for College Prep English. I choose this one, because I read it once and immediately fell in love with it. I still know it by heart.

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

 
Like all of my favorite things, I want this poem to be about me... I may live my life so as to try and be as much like this poem as I possibly can. One interesting aspect, which might not be true but makes me like the poem all the more, is that it's said Byron wrote it about a cousin who was in mourning.

I've been in mourning before! See, this poem is totally about me. *nods decisively*

I can't decide if it's nature or nuture that makes girls/women want to be thought beautiful, but it seems to come from somewhere deep deep inside. And I think it's rather interesting that yes, I want to *be* beautiful, but the thing that is more important to me is that I'm *thought to be* beautiful. I've mentioned several times that Nathan telling me I'm beautiful is one of the things I miss the most... and it's also one of the things that has most strongly affected my life/self-esteem.

Men/ boys don't seem to have this same desire/need/longing. Yes, they want to be thought attractive... but they also seem to be a lot more confident that they just are attractive... or that it doesn't matter. Or am I wrong? Do men want to be handsome just as much as women?

See, even writing that, the thought seems ridiculous.

How silly is it that I want to be thought highly of in a context that I have so little control over? I mean I can control how much makeup I wear, but studies show that men actually normally prefer women with less makeup/makeup that looks natural. I can control the color and style of my hair (and boy, howdy, do I!) I can control what I wear and choose the best styles for my body type, and I can control my weight, to some extent. But I've been thinking lately that people don't normally look at your body that closely I mean, I think of all the people I see in a day and I look at their faces and generally have an idea of their body, but I don't pay that much attention.... though that might just be because I'm a girl? Not sure on that one.

Anyway, (barring expensive and painful surgery) I can't control the shape of my face, or it's symmetry, or the color of my eyes, or the height of my cheekbones. I can't control the upturn of my nose or the size of my lips or any of their placement.

And yet it matters to me that other people find them pleasing.  But then I wonder... is it just that? Is that really all I want? To be thought physically attractive?

And it's not... not really. It's *part* of it, but what I want is so hard to pin down and so hard to find/ know. Because what I want is what Lord Byron is saying in that poem. I want a beauty that is internal but somehow expresses itself in my face and body. I want to be such a beautiful person that somehow people can see that just by looking at me.

I want to be so beautiful that men are driven to write poetry about me. I want to be so beautiful that people like me without quite understanding why. I want to be so beautiful that people still like me after they get to know me. I want to be so beautiful that the more a person gets to know me the more they like me and the more beautiful they find me and on and on until the people who know me the best are also the ones who totally adore me and think I am the most beautiful creature to grace the Earth.

Why is it that I'd only ever want to be called a creature when beautiful is before it? I think it's because when you are called a creature it sounds as though you are less than human, but when you are called a beautiful creature it's as though you are transcending humanity. Your beauty takes you to a level higher than human.

Yes, it's all a very attainable and easy goal.

How does one become a mentee of both Audry Hepburn and Mother Theresa?

Mentee? That's a weird word. But it is a word- I just looked it up, to be sure. Apparently we just pulled that word from mentor... but that suggests all sorts of weird words using that same rule. Like the audience is really of bunch of actees... and if you ever hire a contractor you will be a contractee. Melissa sees not patients, but counselees, and people who are fooled by charlatans are impostees.

It's prediculous!

Plus, it looks like manatee... I don't wanna be no stinking manatee!

I'd like to rephrase my previous sentence:

How does one become a mentee protege of both Audry Hepburn and Mother Theresa?

Yeah, I could have just gone back and edited the original sentence, but then you would have missed my little rant and I found it kinda funny, so I thought you might enjoy it.

Metamorphasis

Yesterday was usurper-- Paula is on a roll!

Weird moment today when I was reminded of a person I used to be and how much I've changed.

I remember making a big deal to Kara just after Nathan died, about how I hadn't really changed. It was sparked because I felt like everyone was treating me strangely. And to be fair I think they were treating me with kid gloves when what I really wanted was normalcy.

But man I have changed from who I used to be. Don't get me wrong- I'm still *Renée.* I'm still who I am, deep down. But the expression of that personhood has changed a great deal. A great deal.

And it's really weird when you run into someone from your past and you find yourself reverting into old patterns like a strange sort of muscle memory.

But I'm like Pangea... I've drifted so far from where I used to be that I've totally changed shape... so it felt really strange and awful. I don't think personalities are cyclical... they really do metamorphosize over time.. and I think mine has more than most, with everything I've been through.... Though according to my Myers Briggs I might be wrong

I just took 4 tests and I'm semi-reliably an ESFJ... which is what I think I was when I got married... but the expression of that ESFJ is very different than it used to be. (Notedly when the tests are compared I came out as borderline in every single category on at least one of them.) And the two categories in which I was the most certain of what I am (E and F) are also the ones where I got the opposite score. (On different tests, so it wasn't just one janky one.)

Maybe I was right about the whole metamorphosis thing, I was just wrong about how quickly personalities change?

Or maybe personality tests aren't really that reliable.

 Oh and I almost forgot to mention-- you know who is super Reliable? Reliable Toyota... I love them. My car was beeping at me and they found a hairline fracture in the oil filter today and fixed it for me for free and they always open my car door for me, and never seem to take more than an hour no matter what they are doing.

I heart my Prius, and I heart that dealership.

Not So Self-Possessed

So apparently I'm very self-possessed.

Since I was like 12, I've been told that before performances I always seem so calm. People say things like, "You don't seem nervous." And they ask me how I'm doing, because I'm so stoic on the outside.

Sometimes I think that's why I'm so straightforward with what I'm feeling (especially on here)... Because if I don't tell people what I'm feeling it's pretty hard to just guess unless you know me really well.

So here's my confession: On the outside I seem calm, but on the inside I'm racing around like a hampster on speed and meth and bath salts.

 *** Be careful! I could eat your face! Cause I'm a thug!***

But I don't want to admit that I'm nervous. Cause what good would that do? Then we'll both know that I'm nervous... and then I'll start thinking about how you know I'm nervous and so maybe you'll start thinking this thing that I planned to do is actually a nervous tic or something and you won't know that I totally planned that. Yeah! I might MEAN to say "ummmm" 40 times!

While I'm performing, I'm fine I have a place to channel it all... except I maybe talk a little fast and my conclusions are awkward.

But then I finish and I have all this adrenaline and performance high and nervous energy still coursing through my body. And suddenly I'm too hot, and I'm jittery, and I can't keep the stoic front up anymore, and I just want to *do* something.

When I was in high school and it was a play I'd come home and want to sit outside for hours wishing I had some place to go.

When I was in college I would gather up some friends and go find a park and get on a swing and go as high as I could.

It was weird to have a "performance" in the morning and have the rest of my day to go about.

So now, I get lots and lots of reassurance from my friends... and let someone talk to me about something delightfully mundane so that I don't run around the sanctuary area like the aforementioned hampster, and I laugh, and I go out to eat, and I look at a table over-flowing with my friends eating and talking and laughing- sometimes even singing... and I think how incredibly blessed I am. Some people don't have friends like I do.

I think that this morning went really well. My friends tell me so and some people who I barely knew complimented me, too. All I really wanted was to share how much God has done for me.. and how much I think He wants to do for all of us.

And tomorrow starts the first day of the rest of my life... how's that for auspicious?

Praiseworthy

I was talking to a friend tonight about Kara and I and our friendship. And at one point I said something to the effect, "I marvel at times how we are such good friends. Kara and I are so different."

And it was suggested that it was because we are opposites... or because we lived together in the dorms... and I think those things help but as I was thinking, it all came down to one thing.

I'm Kara's friend because I know that she likes me. She tells me so, quite often.

And that's when it occurred to me. That's the reason why I'm friends with pretty much all of my friends. It's not "pretty much" it really is all of them.

I'm total crap at compliments, but every single one of my friends is good at.

Supposedly it's a Leo trait-- responding really warmly to praise... it's certainly a Renée trait.

It's the one thing that all my friends have in common. Introvert/Extrovert. Thinker/Feeler. New/Old. They all praise me.

It's why I loved the limmerick themed birthday so much.

I mean I think that I'd already determined that my main love language is words of affirmation... I hadn't realized it was the tie that binds all my relationships though!

It's amazing how little I know about myself... and yet I hope I never stop getting these flashes of personal insight. I really like them.

Talent = Interest

I have this theory that the things we like the best are the ones that we are good at.

I think that there was once a study that proved that people's favorite color is the color that they look the best in, but I don't remember anything about the study except the results so it's quite possible I've made it up.

But I believe that the things people like to do are the things they are good at- two reasons that I can see for this.

1) If you are good at something you get positive reinforcement from others, so you have happy feelings regarding it.

2) If you enjoy something you will naturally spend more time on it and do it more, thus increasing your practice time with it and, as the saying goes, practice makes perfect.

There was just one flaw in my theory. And the flaw was how much I loved acting, when I don't think that I was, in fact, all that good.

But I think I've figured it out.  I love theatre because I love being a part of team effort, and I love people.  And I'm good at being a team member and generally with people... AND I loved acting because I'm *actually* good at public speaking- but I was so shy that acting was the closest I could come to public speaking, because I could funnel my own insecurity into becoming a "different person" so that I wouldn't have to be shy as that person. This is why the role I was most often cast in was the narrator.

*a light dawns in her eyes* Ooooooohhhhh! I get it!

There is an Easter Egg in this post.

It may be a bit odd, but I really enjoy reading about "myself" based on things I have no control over (Like my birthdate, my birth order, or my sign.)

I like seeing how in some ways these things are straight on accurate, and two sentences later they are describing someone the very opposite of me... I just find it all rather humorous.

For instance I was born smack dab in the middle of the Leo sign, so there is no questioning my Leo-ness... So let's read this description of a Leo together shall we? I'm going to put my comments in a different color so that it's obvious what I wrote. (The Leo description was taken from the Huffington Post. Follow this hyperlink!)

The Lion is considered the king of the jungle, and likewise you Leos have an air of royalty about you. Let me tell you, I would love it if I had an "air of royalty around me." I'd be all like, "Give me all your taxes! Let them eat cake! Off with their heads!" Some Leos even have hair resembling the thick mane of the Lion. Check! ...but so do 1/3 of all the people who aren't Leos.... sooo.... But Lions are more than roar, for they are truly magnificent beasts. The Lioness proudly cares for the young, hunts and takes care of survival with relentless intent and ferocity, when needed.  Caretaker, much? That's me. Protecting survival since 1983. And proud are you Leo! Perhaps that's why Leo often chooses work that puts you in the center of stage or in the spotlight of appreciation. I worked for 4 years almost completely alone... that is *not* center stage... of course I was also a theatre major, so fine. Fair play to the queen.

Leo are warm of spirit I try, eager for action not normally and are driven by a desire to be loved for what you bring to others. Ahahaaha! Ding ding ding! Leo are a magnanimous leader I try to avoid leading, but I like being magnamimous! and a faithful servant. uhhhhh Haven't been a servant before, but I'm a good caretaker! Once scorned in love, however, Leo will withdraw your affections and the light, once brilliant, can go cold. I go back and forth on this one... I think I do this... I'm normally the last person to give up on a friendship, and I wait for a long long time... but if I'm rejected for long enough that I do finally give up and then an attempt is made to rekindle the friendship I'm normally not interested... but for all I know that's a trait of a Pieces!

Leo motto might be "What you see is what you get." Yes. You tend to live your live straightforwardly Yes. and with a flair for drama. Kinda yes. In fact, many Leos are attracted to the theater, the performing arts and public relations, for you truly understand the importance of putting on a good presentation. Yeeeeeeeees. As you blaze gloriously through your life, remember to take time to acknowledge the feelings of those around you. If you forget, you could unconsciously hurt someone you love. Oh noooooo! :( But, if you remain aware your impact, others can benefit from your presence. Ok, see this is what I mean... I'll take the Most Generic Advice in the World for 1,000, Alex. Who doesn't this sentence apply to?

Element: Fire

Fire signs are naturally warm. *starts singing* "Hot Blooded! Check it and seeee. I got a fever- of a hundred and threeee!" A fire gives light and heat, but it doesn't get depleted as others feed on its warmth. One candle can bring light to a room and it won't burn any faster if ten people read from its light than if there was only one. DDDUUUUUDE That's like crazy deep! I never thought about it like that before. Whoa. Fire doesn't plan it next move; it isn't logical. It simply is in the moment and will burn what fuel is available without judgment or forethought. So you're saying I'm a Honey Badger? Honey Badger don't care! (Never actually seen the meme, but people laugh when I quote it still, so I keep doing it.) For this reason fire signs can successfully rely on their intuition and survival instincts. I think this means we are suppose to be really bad at planning, but I read somewhere else that the key to getting on a Leo's good side is admiration, so they found a way to say, "Yo, you suck at thinking ahead" in an admirable way.

The fire of Leo is brilliant and intense. It's like the summer Sun that relentlessly shows up every day and whose heat continues to build over a period of time. Yeah it is! Seriously though- what does this even mean? I feel like a hummingbird who has never met a another particular hummingbird.

Fifth House: Children

The Fifth House is directly related to children, but it is also associated with any type of childlike activity. Even grown-ups need to play and this is a function of the Fifth House. In fact, all self-expression and creativity comes from this sector. Additionally, this is the House of Romantic Love. Truly, the Fifth House could be called the House of Enjoyment. What the hey? First they told me that I'm child-like... then they tell me I'm an artist. THEN they tell me I'm a romantic... I think Disney bought out the fifth house. Disney probably could too. I bet they have enough money to buy out the universe just to get their own "house of mouse."

Key Planet: Sun Ok, who failed 3rd grade science? The Sun is not a planet! It's a mass of incandescent gas.

The Sun is the undisputed King of our little planetary system. He is always in the center. True-- therefore making "him" NOT A PLANET. Without his light, there would be no life here on earth. Although the Sun is 93 million miles distant, its warmth is the basis for all energy on Earth. Astrologically, the Sun represents our will. It's like the fuel that fires each of our individual furnaces and gives us cause to live. As the key planet of Leo, the Sun is the symbol of the self and from it stems all individuality and creativity. Whaaaa?? How did any of that tie together? Am I super distant? Do I give people cause to live? Am I the source of all individuality and creativity, because I'd really like to put a kabosh on the whole neon resurgence in fashion.... ugh.

Your Biggest Strength: Your playful and loving nature uhhhh sure?

Your Potential Weakness: Need for approval can become too important Ahahaha way to go out with a totally right one!

And yet no where in there do I hear the Leo's loyalty mentioned or the Leo's love for admiration... which are apparently big deals. I mean I've been hearing about the loyal Leos for years now.

Oh the things that people will make up!

Between Target and Four Million Cookies

It's pretty obvious that I've been thinking about how I've changed since Nathan's diagnosis and death lately.

Well, today I had lots of introspective time as I baked 4 million cookies.

OK, ok I admit- it wasn't 4 million.

But it was over 200!

And as I was introspecting, a few things came up in my mind in regards to my conversation at Target yesterday.

The first was how very much I've changed since college in regards to my self-confidence and trust in others to be decent people. There was a time when I never would have struck up a conversation with that guy. (Yes, it took me a bit to actually say something, but the point is that I did.) And the thing is I wouldn't have spoken to him back in the day, because I would have assumed that I had nothing to offer him. How I interact with people is so wrapped up in how I can help them- what I can do. And in college I would have assumed that he didn't need more friends- he seemed popular and I likely thought that if I ever tried to have a conversation with him, he would have just thought I was annoying. (Honestly I'm not sure that with this guy in particular I ever had an opportunity to interact, but now he's become a metaphor for all the people in my life that I didn't try to befriend because I was scared.)

Oh, I was so insecure! So much of my life has been dictated by choosing to be out of the group so that I wouldn't appear to be hurt if I wasn't accepted in the group. So much of my life has been dictated by making sure that it looked like I wasn't hurt by anything.

And I really did think that most people would just be annoyed with me unless they initiated a conversation/friendship. I think I can probably trace this belief back to a very specific happening in Jr. High... but kids are crappy in Jr. High, and I shouldn't have still been living my life in so much fear 5-6 years later.

Cause you know what? I talked to him yesterday and he was super nice. He seemed happy to be talking to me. I even started to walk away and he called me back with a question. These aren't the actions of someone who is annoyed. And he was working so he might have even had a reasonable excuse as to why he didn't want to just stand around talking to some random girl.

And that's another thing. Striking up one conversation doesn't make me seem like I'm desperate for friends or a psycho or anything... It just means I'm friendly... Do you know how long it's taken me to fully accept this realization?

And I think, what has really made the difference between me-then and me-now is that if he had thought I was annoying (or any other negative descriptors)- I wouldn't then think that meant it was true. I have a lot more intrinsic value than can be seen by a complete stranger in one conversation. I actually think I'm pretty great, and I have enough other people who agree that I don't *need* the entire rest of the world to think so as well.

Don't get me wrong, I still *want* them to. ;)

The other thing the conversation made me think of is in regards to ambition.

The guy was talking about how, in Theatre, there is so much "making sure your name is still out there."

And my response was, "Yeah, that's actually why I went into the education side. I never had the ambition for it all."

And that's still true... but it's strangely different than it used to be.

Way back in the day the title of this blog was "minus ambition." Still, the web address is http://minusambition.blogspot.com ... my first post was regarding why my blog/myself was "minus ambition." And I think most of the things on that first post are still true... but I also say on a regular basis now that I want to be a published author.

That's a big ambition! So how do I justify the difference?

Well, I think two ways... the first is that the heart of what I said is still true. All I really want is to be happy. When it all comes down to it, I want to be happy more than anything else.

The second is that, while I still think I would be happy with a small life in which I really only make a difference to my family, I'm not sure that's what's in the cards. Ever since Nathan's diagnosis I've been dealing over and over with the fact that my plans are not necessarily the same ones that God has for me... I think that God's plans for me might be a little bigger than my own were. (Sidenote, if it's true, I think it's a little funny that God has to push me to live a life that's bigger. Seems like the reverse would be much more common.)

Now, I don't know if I'm right, but here's the great thing- If it's not my plan, then I don't have to be in charge. I just have to keep doing what I think I should and maybe some day I will be published and I'll be blogging about how they are going to be turning my book into a movie (That's my highest dream.) And if I'm writing a book that will never be published and I end up living my sweet simple life after all?

Well, I still can't really see how that's a bad thing.

Isn't it funny the things you can ponder between Target and 4 million cookies?

Today's story

I'm super proud of myself.

I saw this guy working in the electronics department of Target, and I recognized him.... but in that distant way that tells you that while you've never had an actual interaction, you've seen him a lot... somewhere.

So I saw him, and I recognized him, but I couldn't place him.... and I thought about just straight out asking him where I knew him from, but I wasn't talking to him, I was just looking at headphones and trying to figure out what I actually needed from electronics, because I didn't write it down. But he smiled at me and I smiled back and I kept thinking. "Why is he so familiar?" And I never did remember what I needed in electronics, possibly because I was so distracted trying to place him in the vortex of my cerebellum.

I thought maybe he was a Soar Leader when I was a freshman, or maybe he was in Beartones or maybe he was in theatre... Some type of person in charge or performer where I had spent some time watching him, but he'd have no way of knowing who I was, so there was no way he was just going to tell me where I recognized him from.

It drove me absolutely nuts, but I'm shy... so I didn't say anything to him, because - I mean he's working, for heaven's sake! He doesn't need me to interrupt, to ask him random questions about 10 years ago.

Then I came home and remembered- Ink cartridges! My printer is nigh-on out of ink, and I need replacements- and the cartridges at Target are a good 1.50 cheaper than Wal-mart.

So I treked back to Target today, and grabbed the cartridges and the guy was working again... and I didn't say anything to him.

I know! I'm ridiculous.

But then I went and found some art that was on clearance that I wanted to buy... and then I remembered I needed to buy a floor length mirror... only I didn't have a cart cause I was just thinking I'd grab the ink, and my empty Starbucks cup made it impossible for me to carry everything...

But I could throw away an empty Starbucks cup-- and you know where stores have trashcans? Behind the counter in electronics. Yes! A kickstarter for me to talk to this guy and finally set my mind at peace.

*And* I did it! He was a theatre-performance kid (He was actually in a ton of shows- thus why I recognized him.) He didn't recognize me but he shouldn't have, as I'm not sure that we'd ever actually spoken before... though he did remember that I was in there yesterday, which made me feel kinda silly. (I explained my ink forgetful-ness.) Anyway he was super nice and we chatted for a several minutes and it wasn't weird or awkward or anything and I'm still all in one piece, even after initiating a conversation.

One point in the "overcoming shyness" category for me! I'm counting this as a successful "adventure."

You're super proud of me, too, aren't you?!

*nods*

Thought so.

StrengthsFinder

So for a while I've been wanting to take the Strengths Finder Test again.

I thought that with how much different I feel since Nathan's death I'd probably come up with some answers that were different (while I assumed some would stay the same.) So today while I was in Barnes and Noble I went ahead and bought the book again so that I could take the test again. And I was right- it's different... and the same... and I think the ways in which it is different is telling.. and the ways in which it is the same is rather telling as well.

The first time I took the test I got: Empathy, Communication, Responsibility, Input, Woo

The second time I got: Empathy, Adaptability, Communication, Individualization, Woo

So Empathy, Communication, and Woo were the same, though Communication went down a notch.

So what does that mean? (all block quotes are taken from my StrengthsFinder 2.0 Report which is copyrighted by Gallup, Inc, and most have been edited down as designated by the [...])

Empathy:

Because of your strengths, you might be prompted by a natural impulse to answer questions, deal with perplexing issues, or overcome obstacles. This need to do something arises from deep within yourself. It’s very likely that you cause others to pay attention to their innermost thoughts and feelings. People are confident of your ability to exercise good judgment and common sense. Many people trust you to keep to yourself whatever they choose to share. Your capacity to imagine their situations and be sensitive to their needs allows individuals to unburden themselves. You listen. You customarily acknowledge their unique circumstances. Instinctively, you have a special gift for helping people realize that you truly value them and hold them in high regard. By nature, you feel honored when someone entrusts his/her innermost thoughts and feelings to you. Nonetheless, the person needs to initiate the conversation. Otherwise, it is unlikely to happen. You are reluctant to bring up sensitive topics and delicate questions. You tend to worry about leaving the impression that you are prying or being nosy — that is, unduly interested in the private affairs of the person. Chances are good that you take the time to discover each individual’s unique traits and truly understand them. These insights enable you to listen to people’s concerns. Making no judgments, you strive to comprehend their situations. Others sense that you know exactly how they are feeling.

Ummm, yes.

I once had a person tell me that I couldn't kick someone in the shin without making them feel like they were the person I most cared about in the entire world. Apparently that's my "Empathy." and even after everything, it's still my top strength. (and perhaps my top weakness?) And that bit about being concerned that I'll come across as prying or nosy... they got inside my head, there.

The things they put on my report are different than what they say in the book... The report is generally more customized, but I like some of the things they say in the book so much that I will share them with you. (all in-text quotes are from the book StrengthsFinder 2.0 by Tom Rath)  "You are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person's perspective. You don't necessarily feel pity for each persons' predicament. You do not necessarily condone the choices each person makes, but you do understand." and "Where others grapple for words, you seem to find the right words and the right tone. You help people find the right phrases to express their feelings to themselves as well as others. You help them give voice to their emotional life. For all these reasons other people are drawn to you."

Also please don't think I necessarily believe all these things of myself... but it feels like my ideal version of myself... who I'd be if I could choose and live it perfectly. It's certainly something I strive for.

So then for my fifth strength:

Woo:

By nature, you may handle yourself well in specific types of social situations. Occasionally you set aside your work or studies to enjoy of the company of friends, newcomers, or strangers. You might rearrange your schedule or priorities to accommodate the needs of a particular person or group. Instinctively, you might be lively enough to help make certain events exciting for other participants. Once people are engaged in the activities, you sometimes limit your socializing to specific individuals. Chances are good that you regale people with illuminating accounts of incidents in your life. You entertain them with your tales. You candidly share your personal observations and experiences. [...] It’s very likely that you gravitate to situations where you will be in the company of others. You are much less inclined to be solitary or a loner.

It should be noted that  the book tells me Woo stands for "Winning Others Over." The last time I took this test I was flummoxed by the inclusion of Woo as one of my strengths. I was a little irritated, too. 1) It sounded a lot more like Nathan than like me and 2) it sounded kinda mean. (Not saying Nathan was mean, just that he had a tendency to have a lot of shallower relationships and fewer really deep ones.) To be fair the description they have in the book looks very different than this description does... and this one seems to be a lot more like me. The book talks about how "you don't find strangers intimidating" (not true of me) and that you "don't shy away from starting conversations because you're afraid of running out of things to say" (I *totally* do that!) and that "once you make a connection you're happy to move on to find someone else to make a connection with." (*NOT* true!)

But looking at the online description makes me feel a lot better-- I *do* frequently rearrange my schedule to accommodate the needs of someone else, I always gravitate to situations where I will be in the company of others,  and someone recently really did tell me that they liked every social situation a little bit better when I was around... and then there is this great "poem" that Kara apparently stole from somewhere else, but illustrated all on her own.

 Plus Melissa pointed out that this might manifest for me via text rather than in person... and that made a lot of sense and also I remembered one important thing- I want everyone to like me. So even if I don't act like the book says "Woo"-ers act, if you combine it with my empathy it makes a lot of sense.

And then Communication:

You occasionally like to be part of a team. Perhaps certain kinds of groups provide you with opportunities to voice your ideas or express your feelings. By nature, you are quite comfortable talking about yourself. You also enjoy listening to people describe their talents, limitations, goals, worries, or successes. These insights often help you discover what someone thinks or feels. You probably acquire valuable information about the individual’s style of thinking, learning, working, playing, problem solving, or studying.  [...] It’s very likely that you very much enjoy the animated give-and-take of a lively discussion. Driven by your talents, you may feel comfortable speaking to a variety of individuals or audiences.

This is one that I read and thought, "Meh, kinda" on this go-round... but then I looked in the book and read the following statements: "You feel a need to bring them [events] to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid." and then, "You want to divert their [people's] attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act."

ooooh yes please... I'd love to think that my words could do all that.... I'd *love* that.

also... I write daily on my blog for heaven's sake, and pretty much nothing is off-limits but other people's stories. Yeah. Communication- I do that.

So then the things that are different: Adaptability (my second strength now)

Chances are good that you periodically exhibit the flexibility to adjust your day’s priorities as circumstances change. Because of your strengths, you might have an ability to accept and deal with each day as it unfolds. You may be flexible enough to handle unexpected discoveries and situations. [...]Sometimes outdated or inefficient processes frustrate you. [...] You are quite comfortable dealing with change, surprises, and unexpected problems. Why? While you appreciate schedules and plans, you recognize when it is wise to deviate — that is, turn away — from them.

 It's kinda interesting how my strengths seem to dovetail each other... for example, in Woo it was right when it said I often changed my schedule for others... and the adaptability is what allows me to do so. Here's the thing. This strength is so strong, I think, as a result of dealing with Nathan's cancer and death. I don't think that I was as adaptable before... or that I valued it as much in myself and in others. But now I think it's important. Have a plan, yes, but be flexible enough to be able to change. You have to roll with the punches or else you will break... It's not a life motto, but I do very much believe it to be true.

 and lastly, Individualization:

It’s very likely that you may enjoy helping people by performing tasks they dislike or do not have time to complete. Perhaps this is one way you keep yourself busy and make their lives less burdensome. Because of your strengths, you can stand in another person’s place and view what is going on from his or her unique perspective. Your have an ability to become well-acquainted with individuals. This magnifies your capacity to feel their joys and sorrows as well as their successes and failures. By nature, you may update certain individuals about current events. [...] Driven by your talents, you may derive some joy from coming to the aid of people. [...] Instinctively, you might identify situations where you can assist people by using your talents. To some degree, you want to concentrate on doing what you do well. Perhaps this is your pathway to success.

There is apparently quite a bit of my Empathy at work in my Individualization... Heck, to me they feel like the same strength! And this blurb also points out my "mom-ish" qualities... which dovetail into my communication tendencies- like making sure the absent-minded kid in our writing group actually remembered to check his e-mail, or checking in on certain friends when I haven't heard from them in a while, and not being a bit concerned if others don't talk to me for weeks. I do love helping people out- especially if I can use my talents to do so (aka I suck at helping a person move but I'll gladly give up a day to help you paint your house/room.)

So the things I lost?  Responsibility and Input.

Responsibility: I think this one went away because I've had to let go of some of the illusion that I have the power/ or ability to take care of everything... A friend made a really profound statement to me not long after Nathan died. He told me that it wasn't my responsibility to pick up all the pieces that Nathan left behind. I'm not sure if he knew what an impact that sentence made on me... (though my deluge of tears when he said it might have been a clue.) That was exactly what I'd been trying to do and it was *such* a relief for someone to tell me that it wasn't my responsibility and that it was impossible. So I think I had to let some of that go.. Don't get me wrong... I'm still pretty responsible... but I'm not surprised that it's not a top 5 strength any more.

And then Input. This one was weird the first time I got it... Input basically means that you collect things (material possessions, thoughts, trivia facts, sundry knickknacks or ideas that interest you.) My mom is really high on the input scale... I'm not. I think the internet + a smart phone might have cured me of this? Why save up information when it's all at your fingertips? Either that or it was a fluke last time.

Isn't it interesting how 4 of my 5 strengths are entirely about people and the 5th one is basically a skill that I use to interact with people??

Hmmmm... task-oriented or people-oriented? I wonder.

Nathan wrote a haiku about me once--

Her love for people
Is the center of her soul
She cares so deeply

For a while there, after his death, I wondered if this was as true as he believed it to be, but I think what I was experiencing was compassion fatigue combined with PTSD and coping mechanisms, and I think I'm only recently coming out of that.

Also, if you've never read it and want to oooh and aww about how freaking sweet Nathan was to me, you should go read this post.

So anyway I've just spent a *lot* of time talking about myself... but I'm really pleased with this result... it feels like it has really captured a bit of who I am, and I love it when I feel known, even if it's just by a book. :)

Me and the Boys

Friendships with girls aren't as easy for me as friendships with guys. I'm pretty sure I've talked about this before- I don't normally feel that instantaneous click with girls. I mean ya'll know how close Kara and I are, but we didn't have the insta-click at all. I have about three distinct memories from the first year I knew Kara... and I never would have guessed she'd be my best friend someday from those memories. In fact, now that I think about it, I'm not sure that I've ever just fallen into an instantaneous friendship with a girl. Don't get me wrong, I have some *stellar* girlfriends who are closer to me than anyone else. But we had to work it to that state.

Heck, it took Rhonda and I about 16 years to become friends.

If you use the relationship points idea, the people who you "click" with start with like 15 extra base points and a double refill rate. Now several of my gal-pals and I have reached a quadruple refill  rate... but we still had to fight up those 15 points and gain experience to make our refill rate so fast.

So here's something I *just* put together.

I just put it together because I'm kinda clueless when it comes to my own reactions and why I act the way that I do.

I've talked a lot about how there are certain people who I just click with, but I realized only recently many of the people who I have that feeling with have some similarities. Namely:

1) They are male.

2) They grew up in a small town... or even more so, they grew up *outside* of a small town- maybe even on a farm.

Now please understand, I'm just referring to friendships here. Nathan does fall in this category but he falls into *every* category, and there are a lot of guys who I'm referring to that I have no romantic inclination towards- who are married or taken or I just don't have an interest in. Nathan is the exception, not the rule.

And also, please note that the "rapport" feeling I have with a said person may be one-sided. I'm thinking of the people who I feel like I sort of instinctively understand and they seem to get me. They might not feel the same about me, and they may not, in fact, understand me as well as I feel like they do.

And there are some guys who I don't click with who are from small towns, so there is obviously more to it than all this, but I think I've unearthed a pretty significant piece of the puzzle.

But still, I can think of no fewer than 10 guys just off the top of my head who I've clicked with instantaneously or near instantaneously.

I can't think of a single girl.

And every single one of those guys is "from" a small town. (I use the quotes around from, because many of them are actually from a house/farm out in the country *near* a small town.)

Weird, right?

I think it's something to do with shared culture...

...and I was really close with my boy cousins growing up??

...and...well I don't know what else. Familiarity? Comfort? Understanding? Cheesecake?

Probably not cheesecake.

You'd think this would translate into making it easier for me to find a boyfriend, wouldn't you.

Not so much, turns out.

Charming Paradox

I've been reading several random internet articles lately and fallen in love with two statements. The first is from an article on Hello Giggles, called "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned from the Women of Disney. "(Not exactly shocking I liked this article, huh?) But the 9th thing is my favorite. It's called "Kiss the Girl" and it goes like this:

"If you are ever floating in a blue lagoon with someone you have a major crush on and you don’t go for it, I hate you.
If you are ever on a long drive at nighttime and you drop her off at home and you want to kiss her and you are pretty sure she wants you to kiss her and you don’t go for it, I hate you.
If you are watching a movie and your hands are impossibly close to each other’s and you know she wants you to kiss her and you watch the whole movie and you don’t remember anything that has happened because you have been thinking of kissing her and you do not go for it, I hate you."

That's funny. And also true. and I think the author might be experiencing some of that frustration in real life.

But seriously. The girl isn't supposed to make the first move, the guy is. So if the guy wants to, but doesn't? The girl is going crazy trying to figure out if she is reading the signs wrong or something.. so I kinda get the "I hate you."

The other statement is from a site that has far less insightful/interesting articles, but I really liked the one called, "10 Fun Things We Did as a Kid That We Should Do Now." The part that caught me was in number 5.

"One of the best things about being a kid aside from all the fun things to do was that we truly lived in the moment. If we had the best pancakes ever, we savored each bite and made up songs about how delicious it was."

The one statement I was told more than any other while growing up was, "It doesn't require a song, Renée." But I think they were wrong. It *does* require a song. I want to make up more delicious pancake songs... in fact I think that sort of child-like wonder is something I really want to hold on to and maintain.

I don't want to be stupid, I don't want to be naive, I don't want to be ditzy- but I never want to lose my ability to marvel- to look at the world with wonder-colored glasses. To laugh because something is just delightfully funny... And that might sometimes look stupid or naive or ditzy. But it isn't.

I may be wrong but I think it makes me more endearing-- especially when mixed with a good dose of sarcasm...

And that makes me a paradox... but a charming paradox, which is something I can live with.

Oooh! I've come up with a scathingly brilliant idea: Put the glow sticks in the car. Then the next time I'm outside in the dark I will have glow sticks instead of wistfully pining for them.

Oh I see that amused smirk on your face. And I revel in it.

Taco Bell beginning

Finally had a taste of one of those Doritios Loco tacos tonight... Meh.

Honestly I don't know how I ate so much Taco Bell in college...Every time I taste it now I think it's gross.

Remember how I mentioned being able to track the change in my tastebuds?

However, I do totally want Celito Lindos now.

I wish I was brave enough to eat by myself more often, but I'm just not.

You know what the problem with beautiful wedding nails is?

They are the gel shellac nails and they don't chip and they last forever. Which is great cause they are beautiful for a long long time. However I really like painting my nails, and I've found a whole bunch of things on pinterest I want to try but I don't want to waste my gorgeous french tips while I have them.

Hi, my name is Renee and I only have first world problems like, "My manicure is too good."

Ok, well to be fair, my husband also died from cancer so I guess it's not all "first world problems."

Perspective, she is important.

I sometimes worry about how shallow I think I come across. I do care and talk about my hair and my nails and clothes and shoes and all that shallow superficial stuff a lot and I worry that people might think that's all there is to me.. but in some ways it's reactionary. I *really* don't want to come across as a widow.  I want to be a person who someone could say to, "I never would have guessed that you had something like that happen in your life." I don't want to come across as sad and dreary and hurt and angry at the world.That's not me and it's not the legacy I want to live for Nathan. But I do get concerned that I take it too far in the other direction.

Can people see the rest of who I am and who I want to be behind the nails and hair? Can they see everything that I want to be? -the artist, the student, the wit, the observer, the reader, the nerd, the loyal friend, the wise counsel,

Maybe it's terrible, but I want people to think that I'm important. I want people's respect. Not that I want to be intimidating. Not in the least, but I want people to think I'm special. I want to matter.

And yeah I care about stupid things like my nails and my hair and what I look like, but it because I have a lot of spare time on my hands. When I was a caregiver I didn't care about this stuff, and it was pretty obvious, but what did it matter? I had a purpose that was a heck of a lot more important to me than worrying about what I looked like.

Sometimes I still don't understand how I'm standing. I don't understand how I survived without anti-depressants, without suicidal thoughts, without retreating from everyone, without a crisis of faith, or an intervention or at least stock in Kleenex.

So I guess the superficiality is part of my armor.

I just have to take a step back every once in a while and remember that it's just a removable piece of me, not my core.

...And to think this blog started out being about Taco Bell.

I don't know that this post *has* a theme...

The thing is that when someone tells you that you look like a dark-headed Marilyn Monroe, you don't argue and you don't regret breaking down and buying a bathing suit that you technically don't need because you can't swim and don't really like the water.

Kara's also been saying lately that I look/seem like a Disney princess... a bad-a Disney princess because of the tattoo. But she says the tattoo is a bit Disney princess, too.

She gives the best compliments.... either that or she knows me well enough to know what I think the best compliments are.

Probably both, come to think of it.

I'm in love with this version of "I Want You Back." It's a cover by The Civil Wars of the Jackson Five song.

I think this might actually say something about my personality.

"Renée appreciates cheesy-ness and "classics" but likes it best when they are reworked into something that feels both new and strangely familiar."

Ok, to be clear, I don't actually know if that's true about myself... I don't have that much insight into my own mind, but it sounds good, right??

So I just put it together. Because of the accelerated moving timeline, Kara is leaving on July 29th. The Miller "4th of July" festival is happening July 28th. The thing is I can't go home on the last weekend that my best friend and I live in the same city. I'm really sad, because it will actually be the very first "4th" that I've ever missed, even during cancer... but I need to be in Springfield. So, I guess I'll be going home a different weekend this summer.

Dang it. I hate messing with tradition. Someone get me a TARDIS so I can be in two places at once!