Two Years Ago, Today.

Two years ago I went to sleep on the night of January 20th, totally exhausted, but happy that the next day was a Friday. Fridays meant that I didn't work so I just had to take care of Nathan and we didn't have any doctor appointments so it was only the ever-present cycle of medication monitoring, diabetes regulating, heating pad/pillow adjustment and whatever else Nathan needed or would let me do to try and make him more comfortable.

He hadn't been able to sleep lying down in months, so I went to bed alone, as usual. I hadn't slept next to him for about three and a half months except once at the hospital when they moved another bed next to his and let me sleep in it. That was one of the hardest things, because we were always touching while sleeping. Sometimes it was just an arm or a leg but we were normally completely tangled up with each other. Even now I ache for the comfort, reassurance, and safety that sleeping next to my husband gave me.

I went to bed around two, I think, after either taking off or putting on his compression socks- not sure which, now, either was nearly a form of torture for both of us. Nathan slept- what little the pain would let him sleep- in the living room in his recliner. At this point I was always so exhausted and he wasn't able to yell loudly enough to wake me up if he needed something so he would call my cell phone (which I kept by my pillow at full volume) to wake me up. When my phone rang I would roll out of bed not even completely conscious-  just knowing he needed me. I controlled the pain meds at this point. Not because he might have gotten addicted-- he was hurting enough that wouldn't be possible, but because he wasn't lucid enough to remember things like how many he had taken and what time he last took them at. Even I had to write it down- there was so much to remember.

He usually needed me once or twice a night... if the pain was really bad a lot more often than that. At this point Nathan had the walker and we had a toilet riser and handles around the toilet, but he still needed my help. So there was usually a bathroom trip in the night. The bathroom was ten, maybe fifteen, feet from his chair. The trip there and back completely exhausted him and would usually take at least thirty minutes. It had taken up to an hour before. There are so many things about ambulation that we just take for granted. Nathan needed the walker even to get around our tiny apartment and he hated it so much. This was the guy who would play Ultimate Frisbee for hours without stopping. Who would chase squirrels and climb trees for no reason whatsoever.

Anyway, on this night I went to bed at 2AM, hoping that we might be able to get three or four hours in before the next pain med dosage. I was shocked when I woke up at 8AM and Nathan hadn't called me. I went into the living room and checked on him, but he was sleeping... well, it never looked comfortable, but peacefully. I was so excited. I thought maybe we were hitting an upswing. He'd done so well immediately after the bone marrow transplant. I just wanted him to get past all this terrible pain and start feeling better. I went straight back to bed, after I knew he was ok. In hindsight I know that he was sleeping so well because he could no longer feel the worst of the pain, but I didn't know that then and I was so tired and so happy.

He finally called me again at noon. Later, I would be so grateful for all the sleep I'd gotten that night, because when he called me and I stumbled into the living room he told me that he couldn't move or feel his legs. He had to explain it to me twice, because I couldn't understand it. I didn't understand how someone could become paralyzed from the waist down overnight. And then I freaked out. I totally and completely freaked, and he was there, making me come over to him so he could hug me. Telling me that it was going to be ok. Calming me down so I could call his bone marrow transplant physician at Barnes and then the ambulance to come get him, and his mom so she knew what was happening. He did that until the very end, always the one offering comfort rather than asking for it. Such an incredible man.

We spent the rest of that day in the Springfield ER, figuring out what to do and then they decided to transfer him to Barnes. Paula arrived and we ended up driving to St. Louis at around midnight, and spending most of the next day in their ER. Nathan had surgery Saturday night to try and drain the fluid around his spinal column that was pinching the nerve and not allowing him to move/feel his legs. He was sedated for the pain (and I think his O2 levels were low so they had intubated him as well?) at that point so Paula and I decided that he would want to go ahead with the surgery. It would only give him an 8% chance of being able to regain the use of his legs, and it was risky, but without the surgery he had a zero percent chance. After the surgery he would have had to wear a back brace for two months or so, I think, but we agreed that if there was any chance then Nathan would take it. He had to be able to run again, someday. He had to.

I didn't sleep until Sunday morning I think. He made it through the surgery well, but we wouldn't know if it had done anything until he woke up and probably not even then, what with the swelling brought on by the surgery. They brought him out of sedation sometime on Sunday, and his legs were the same, but we knew there might not be immediate results. Paula and I set up a rotating shift at the hospital.  I had nights and I'd come in whenever I woke up for the days, but that way Nathan was only alone during the ICU mandated "no visitor" hours and we could speak to the doctors whenever they came in. Nathan was still highly drugged for all of this, which offered much laughter, even if it was slightly desperate laughter. At one point a male nurse was in the room, talking to Nathan about his pain and Nathan said, "Hey, When do I get my slippers?" The nurse asked him what he meant and Nathan said, "They said I would get some slippers. I want my free slippers, dammit."

The guy asked Nathan where he was and Nathan said he didn't know and the nurse said, "Well, Nathan you are at Barnes-Jewish. They don't give anything away for free here."

Nathan sort of drunkenly murmured, "Yeah, that's the truth." I just laughed.

He developed pneumonia at some point- one that antibiotics and anti-virals did nothing to fight, and the pnuemonia is what actually killed him, on the morning of Jan 29th. I'm not going to blog about the very last days.  If you want to know about them, you can read this post. I just haven't really talked about this part before, and I guess I sorta wanted to explain why I might not seem much like myself this week, or why I might make decisions that run counter to my "norm."

I guess I really just wanted to feel like I wasn't the only person who had this information. Like someone else understands, even if just by proxy, a bit of what it was like-- two years ago, today.

Getting out of the 5th grade

Yesterday as I was driving home I passed a bright blue car... a Sentra I think. It had at least three guys in it... possibly 4. I'm not sure how old they were but I'm going to say college age... in part because they turned off at Columbia and in part because it makes me feel good. (My 25 year old cousin told me this weekend that I look 23, so I'm holding on to that.... and never taking up smoking cause I hear that ages you.)

Anyway I passed this car o' guys because I was going (slightly) over the speed limit and they were going slightly under the speed limit. As I passed I glanced over and they all seemed relatively sedate. Then I got into the right lane in front of them and I saw a lot of animated conversation in my rear view window. I don't know if they liked my car, the driver just was looking for someone to pace, or the guy in the back seat suddenly declared his undying devotion for "that girl" and he made the driver stalk me, but I suddenly had driving buddies.

I was somewhere outside of Macon and for the next hour or so the boys followed me down the highway... never passing me but never dropping too far behind  (as normally happens when you pass someone on the highway.) At one point the speed limit randomly changed from 65 to 70, and I responded accordingly and got rather far ahead of them (as I'm guessing they missed the increase.) I thought that would be the end of it, but 5 minutes later they were back in my rear-view window. Whoever I passed, they passed, and if a car ever got between us it didn't last for long. I was enjoying it, mainly because I was making up stories about how one of the boys was madly in love with me.

Then we got to Columbia and they exited (though I choose to believe the reason why they had their turn signal on so much earlier than necessary was to let me know they were exiting, in case I wanted to join them.) After they were already on the exit ramp and couldn't see me, I waved.

And then I thought to myself.- Why did I wait so long to wave? What could it have possibly have hurt to wave before they exited? Or even somewhere during the hour that they tailed me?

What could they have thought if I waved? That I thought they were cute? That I was madly in love with one of them? Would they have made fun of me? Would they have passed me or dropped back?

What would it have mattered? Where is the harm in any of those situations? And yet, it's what I did.

I think it was the 5th grade when I sat next to a boy named Rich** He was a pretty cute kid and just as importantly he liked to talk to me and make me laugh. I wasn't in 5th-grade-love with him, but I did like him. Rich used to number my paper for math quizzes. This didn't seem strange or odd to me... I just thought he was a really nice/funny guy who was fast at numbering.

One day in the cafeteria I sat catty-corner from Dustin, Rich's best friend. Just as it was time to stand up and take our trays to the front, Dustin said to me, "Hey, Renee, you like Rich, don't you?"

I was completely stunned and 5th-grade-horrified. I did- but I could only see one reason for this boy to ask me that question-- to make fun of me if I said yes. How mortifying to let someone know that you liked them and for them to mock you for it! I stammered for a second and then said, "No!"

I caught up with the line, turned in my tray, and then as I passed Dustin in line, I asked, "Why?"

He said, "No reason" and waved me off. I believed I'd figured out the plan and went back to the classroom relieved to have dodged a mocking bullet.

(Yes, I know, my memory is *ridiculous.*)

Looking back it's easy to assume that Rich was in 5th-grade-love with me and had sent his best friend as the human version of "Will you be my girlfriend, check yes or no". I could be wrong, and Dustin could have actually been setting me up to make fun of me. I'll probably never know for sure because I can't imagine how this would come up in conversation with someone I haven't seen in 10 years. But sometimes I wonder if I would have changed the course of my jr. high and high school existence if I'd answered honestly.. if I hadn't been so afraid.

The problem is that a lot of times I'm still looking at the world through my 5th grade glasses. I'm so afraid of being made fun of that I don't take any risks. But when the other side of the coin is that I could make someone's day- What is the problem? That's what I thought driving down the highway, after leaving Columbia. What is so wrong about making someone think I'm interested in them? If I'm not or they aren't they will still probably feel good about it, and if I like them and they feel the same, then they might not be too intimidated to do something about it.

I went to the Aviary last night with friends. We were asked to call our waiter Tiger, by the host, though it wasn't his real name. Tiger was totally cute. I made myself maintain eye contact with him when he came to our table, instead of my usual look up briefly and then bury my glance in the menu. I think he found it disconcerting, but I doubt he was upset by it. One small step.

Then when it was time for the check he said, "How do you want me to split this? The two of you. The two of you... And you're all alo-... uh... right."

Oh God love ya, Tiger. Thank you for pointing out my single status on a holiday. I wanted to be reminded that I'm a widow on New Years. It's a good thing you are so dang cute. At least he tried to save it, right?

Still- if that's the worst that can happen? I think I'll be ok. If I can actually do it. Talk is a lot easier than action.

** All names have been altered to protect 5th grade sensibilities.

One step back

I wrote something tonight, finally... but it wasn't something I can use for class... and it might make you cry, so don't read in front of your 8th period class. :)



A song started playing.

It’s one of those songs that you listen to and suddenly begin to create your own crappy you-tube montage in your head. All the moments in your life that lead up to this. You replay in slow motion the time you sat up until late in the morning discovering how much you had in common with this adorable boy you’d just met. And the night outside on the deck, laughing as the fireflies were twinkling around you. You replay when he put his hand on your cheek and you suddenly wished that time would slow down.  And how he manipulated you into kissing him first. How you broke up and then got back together, but you made him kiss you first, this time. You replay the moment you said goodnight and kissed in the rain, just because neither of you had ever done that… and you replay the moment when he told you about this wonderful dream he had… to be sitting in a window seat, cuddled in a blanket, looking out a snowstorm with his wife, and how you secretly made that your new dream.

Then you replay the expression on his face when he asked you to marry him, and then when you walked down the aisle, and the joy on his face the first time you called him your husband. And all those silly moments when he would come up behind you in the kitchen and kiss your neck and just be in the way because he wanted to be near you and you shooed him away because you had things on the stove. (Why did I do that? Who cares about a little burned supper?) You replay the moments when you were just sitting around watching tv… and then you weren’t watching tv anymore.

Then you replay the moment when the dr told you it was cancer, and he comforted you. And the moment they told you that he would need a bone marrow transplant and all the trips to the hospital in the freezing cold and the night that you watched an episode of Star Trek cuddled up on his hospital bed and could touch him without hurting him for the first time in months. You replay the night that they moved two beds together in the hospital room so that you could sleep next to the man who kissed you in the rain, once.  You replay the days when he was getting better and then you replay the days when he started getting worse. You replay the nights when you could barely sleep because he was hurting so much. You replay staying up all night sitting on the floor next to the bed just to hold his hand cause that’s all you could do. You replay when he was so drugged out that he thought he should get some free slippers, damn it. And then you replay the last conversation you ever had where he told you he loved you forever and that he trusted you.

And then the last days where all you could do was watch those numbers drop.. and the last moment where for some reason you made sure you looked at the time because you knew your life was changing forever and you needed to know it was 8:30 in the morning.

And then you end the you-tube montage with a picture of you, cuddled in a blanket on a window bench, looking out at a snowstorm, wishing he could have had that moment he’d imagined.. You just thought you had time.

The damn song was shorter than it should have been.

I haven't given up on this new life that I'm heading towards... but it's still really hard to let go of the life I didn't get to have. 

I struggle sometimes... I struggle with blessing people. There is this terrible selfish part of me that  doesn't want to bless anyone.  Because don't you understand what my life is like? Don't you understand what I've gone through, God? Why do I have to bless someone else? Today I chose to bless someone because I thought God wanted me to. But a "cheerful giver" I was not. Afterwards I sat down and cried. 

I don't understand why it had to be Nathan. Other people are miraculously healed... why couldn't he have been? It's not like he wouldn't have given all the glory to God... He could have been such a powerful witness... He already was and he wasn't even better. I just... I just miss him, I miss his annoying hyperbole and the way he talked with his hands and a million other tiny little things.

I wrote a second ago that I don't know who I am anymore or what I want... but after thinking about it for a second, I realized it's not true. I mean I don't really recognize the girl I am anymore, but I still know... somewhere deep down, who I am... and I still know what I want... I just feel bad for wanting it.  Because what I want hasn't changed through any of this. My blogspot is called "minus ambition" because I've never had big dreams... only small and simple ones- the only things in my life I've ever been fully committed to wanting is to be someone's partner... to be a companion and a support and a helpmeet... to raise beautiful children together.... to see my grandchildren and great grandchildren...  to live out my happiness in the company of someone who loves me.  And I still want all of that.

And I think that's why I struggle with blessing others, right now... because I feel like I was blessed and then it was taken away from me. Because while I fully admit I've been blessed- I've also been hurt. I've been hurt so much and so deeply and now I'm afraid that there isn't a man in this world who is brave enough to take on a girl who is only available because her husband died. I'm afraid that the only thing I'm going to get out of this life is just knowing exactly what I don't have.

I don't want to bless anyone else because I'm afraid that this is all I get... a sappy you-tube montage that only exists in my head.

It's hard. It's so hard to keep your heart soft.

Two steps forward...

Dunno if you knew this...

Dunno if you knew this, but yesterday was 6 months. And it was a hard day... and a long day... but it wasn't as sad of a day as I thought it would be. I don't know if it was my foresight in planning a baby shower to take place on this day so that I would stay busy, or if it was my Dawson's Creek mini-marathon or just the good Lord getting me through, but I got through it. I got through it.

And then tonight I did something that my friends have been warning me is a really bad idea... I watched our wedding video. And I was scared going into it... and there definitely were some tears... but there was a lot of laughter, too... and a lot of smiling... Nathan and I never got around to watching the video. We meant to watch it on our first anniversary and for some reason or another never did, so this was the first time I'd seen it... and honestly? It felt good. It felt so good to see him. He prayed before we ate at our rehearsal dinner, and so I got to see a Nathan moment I'd never seen before (since I bowed my head, then.) And when he prayed he was so classically Nathan... talking with his hands- almost throwing them out in front of himself, praying in all sincerity with his own quirky syntax, and just being Nathan. And I got to see him look at me the way he always looked at me... only from the perspective of everyone else... and hear his laugh. And while I wish I could have watched this video with him... I'm kinda glad that I got to have a few last special Nathan moments... with the Nathan that was hearty and hale. I just wish those vows had been for as long as we thought they would be then.

Melissa mentioned to me today that she and Bill were talking about the type of relationship they both wanted- the one where the other person is your best friend... and that not every marriage has that... but that Bill said that Nathan and I had that- that we thought the world of each other. And it's true. He was my best friend, and I still miss him like crazy, all the time. But I think I've begun to heal... I'm beginning to be able to focus on all the good and happy memories I have rather than being swamped over by the pain of not having him here anymore. I can watch my wedding video and laugh as often as I cry.

Dunno if you knew this, guys, but I'm gonna get through this. And while the girl who comes out of this isn't gonna look that much like the girl who went in on the other side, it's still gonna be me... Just a lot stronger than she ever knew she could be, and a lot more independent than she ever was before, and with a far greater appreciation for the small simple things in life like family and love and friendship.

Fragile

Be gentle with me today, world... I'm fragile.

A wedding anniversary isn't really about the date... It's about the symbol... it's about what you *do* on that date... it's the date that's set aside to remember the relationship. It's the date that's set aside to celebrate happiness. It's the date that's set aside to reflect on one person and your love for each other.... that makes it a hard day to deal with. I had such high hopes for this year...and what it would bring... and now we are so close to 6 months without him. I teased Nathan (and other guys grumbled) about how high he'd set the bar for all other anniversaries...and now I just wish he were here to happily sail *way* under the bar.

I married a really good man... whom I miss so very much. So I'm going to leave you with the posts that Nathan made for each hour all day last year... Many of you have already read them, but they make me feel a little bit better, and maybe some of you didn't. I post cause even if you don't think I'm as fabulous as he did, it gives you a picture of the wonderful man he was.

Three Amazing Years

July 21, 2010

On July 21st, 2007, I married an incredible woman.  She dazzles me, and I’m madly in love with her.  The last three years have been better — and harder, and more wonderful — than I could have ever dreamed.  For the next 24 hours, I want to share with all of you a part of our celebration.
Beginning at midnight, each hour on the hour I have scheduled a new entry to be published.  Each entry is a haiku (American style, simply three lines in a five-seven-five syllable format) that expresses one of the many reasons I love my wife. :)     Some of them are romantic, some are goofy, some are shared memories, some of them you may not even understand.  But all of them say something about why Renee is beautiful — and if days had more hours, there would be more poems still! :D
Feel free to leave any comments or thoughts, if you’d like.  Thank you for sharing in this part of our anniversary!

Anniversary Haiku 1

A spark of mischief
On a sea of compassion –
Enrapturing eyes

Anniversary Haiku 2

To witness her smile
Is to see a miracle
Of beauty and joy

Anniversary Haiku 3

In both speech and song
Her voice rings with confidence –
Melodious sound

Anniversary Haiku 4

I am embarrassed
When my accent surfaces
She finds it charming

Anniversary Haiku 5

Treasured memory –
Watching the wind in silence
We were connected

Anniversary Haiku 6

Kivs in the chivvy
To the squishy mini square –
Silliness and fun

Anniversary Haiku 7

So perfectly matched
We share the same handicap
To park or play golf

Anniversary Haiku 8

The first kiss we shared
Held both passion and surprise
We were more than friends

Anniversary Haiku 9

She sits on the floor
Whenever I am hurting
Just to hold my hand

Anniversary Haiku 10

With a strange sixth sense
She chooses better movies
I trust her instincts

Anniversary Haiku 11

Her love for people
Is the center of her soul
She cares so deeply

Anniversary Haiku 12

I think I’m funny
Because she is kind enough
To laugh at my jokes

Anniversary Haiku 13

Whatever is Right
She will do without reserve
And without complaint

Anniversary Haiku 14

Spontaneous fun –
Plans are not necessary
She needs only friends

Anniversary Haiku 15

Her calm is steadfast
When others are wild
Unreasonable, upset

Anniversary Haiku 16

Paint, pencil, and clay –
She brings her visions to life
With amazing skill

Anniversary Haiku 17

There is no question
Of her strengths or character
She knows who she is

Anniversary Haiku 18

On the cliffs at dawn
The most beautiful of words
Could only be “yes”

Anniversary Haiku 19

Music did not play
So she waited at the door
Stunning in her dress

Anniversary Haiku 20

Heavenly vision –
My bride, splendidly arrayed
Walking down the aisle

Anniversary Haiku 21

Vows and rings exchanged
Together on the altar
As husband and wife

Anniversary Haiku 22

The feel of her dress
Warm beneath my shaking hands
Dancing to our song

Anniversary Haiku 23

Loved ones line our path
Showering us with bubbles –
We make our escape

Anniversary Haiku 24

Asleep on a train
Her head against my shoulder
This is all I need

Non-Anniversary Haiku (25)

July 22, 2010

Now and forever
I will love my wife –
Beautiful Renee.

Gradeschool memories...

Once upon a time when I was in grade school I had a nickname. I'm not really sure where this nickname came from but it seemed to catch on with the boys and soon most of them were calling me Chipmunk. I never really took it as an insult, though perhaps it was meant to be... I just thought it was because I was cute and small had chubby cheeks... I still kinda think of it as a term of endearment... I mean I had a friend who they called Medusa, so I figure Chipmunk isn't so bad. It fell out of vogue and was almost gone by the 4th grade, but every once in a while I remember my nickname and smile fondly and wonder where in the heck it came from.

Once in the third grade I was gone for a week to bring my Aunt Dawn back from college/ on vacation. And when I came back a boy loudly proclaimed, "Oh good! Renee is back- Let the fun begin!" Yes, I can tell you the boy's name, but since it's the internet he might not want it bandied about out here.

I'm remembering a lot about the third grade, apparently. That was also the year that I wore braid pigtails that I tucked the ends up so that I looked like Kirsten, who was an American Girl. I stopped doing it when I got called Leia on the playground. Morons! Couldn't they tell the difference between an American Girl doll and a Jedi Princess?!?

These are not the braids you're looking for.

Third grade was also the last grade that I was in the low reading group... That year they had a reading program and tracked what I read and I blew the whole school out of the water by reading something like 14,500 pages. The next year I was assigned the same "low" reading group and the teacher took one look at me and said, "What are you doing here?" and then took me to the other classroom. I mean for heaven's sake, I was styling my hair like a Swedish immigrant from the 1850's that I read about. I feel this only supports my whole "slightly dyslexic" theory...

Oh, have you not heard about my theory? Well, here it is-- I think I'm slightly dyslexic. The end.

In addition, I'm also slightly hypochondriac-tic, but only in the ridiculous... So I will fear I've got the plague, or the black lung (like Zoolander), or scarlet fever, or tuberculosis, or cholera, or one of tons of other diseases that are pretty well wiped out and you only hear about when you play Oregon Trail for old times sake. So perhaps the "slight dyslexia" should be taken with a grain of salt. Not that they've managed to wipe out dyslexia.... I wish it was that easy!

Did I ever tell you that in kindergarten I had a crush on a boy in my class named Jason English... who was the grandson of my first grade teacher, Mrs. Dunn. Ya, I know, quite the co-winky-dink, eh?

Did I ever tell you that in the first grade I invented this weird form of dancing which basically consisted of me moving my feet up and down as fast as I humanly could... and somehow the rest of my classmates thought this was the coolest thing ever?

That same year someone came into talk to us about drugs and a classmate asked what being on drugs was like and the teacher pointed at a picture of a horse and said, "For example, someone on drugs might think that horse just moved." Then I saw the horse wink at me and for the rest of the year I couldn't look at that horse without imagining it moving.

The only conclusion that I can draw from these memories is that I was just as quirky in grade school as I am now.... If only I could have skipped that horrible awkward phase people like to call Jr. High/ High School...

Letting the quirky lantern shine on, since 1983,
Chipmunk

Sardines and Edleweiss

I was at Katie and Jonny's until 2 in the morning. It was quite fun and I laughed a lot. You know, I would be perfectly content to do this every night, though I'm sure I'd want to change/add people from time to time. And I'd have to start writing my blog in the afternoon, cause starting this at 2 is not my greatest idea ever. I have decided for sure, though, that I'm going to put my book of questions in my car, so that, when the situation arises, I have a go-to resource for all sorts of random questions.

I love nights like this, when something spontaneous and almost magical seems to happen, everyone is in just the right temperament and suddenly early birds are staying up till past midnight, and no one wants to leave because they are having such a good time. These were the nights that college was made of for me, and part of the reason why I look back on college with such fond memories. They are a lot harder to come by these days. Everyone has to be so responsible and go to work and live in their own homes and be so adult-y. Sometimes I feel like the kid who's knocked on every door in the neighborhood and all the parents told me,"No, little Susie can't come out to play." But tonight? We had just enough people to play a killer game of sardines, all over the neighborhood.

Seriously, want to know a really fun time I had once? Playing Sardines in and around the library and then the quad on campus. We were in pairs to make it "safe." I don't even remember who all was there, but it was great. I wish I had the run of Juanita K, or JQH Arena for a night, or heck, even Craig Hall! ... I'd get a group of 20-30 people give them flashlights, turn off all the lights and play Sardines... it would be so fun! Ok, don't know what "Sardines" is? Go to this site-- it's pretty easy to understand. 

I drove around quite a bit today, and brought my gas mileage up from 43 mpg to 48.2... I'm shooting for over 50.... Seriously, it's like driving around a video game.

Ok, I should go to bed. I just sat here for about 10 minutes looking at the screen not even thinking about what to write, just thinking about playing Sardines and video games... and what I'm going to do tomorrow, and everything I did today and what I could go eat, cause it's 3 AM and I ate at 7PM... and none of that is really even very interesting it's just taking my brain that long to process everything... Plus church tomorrow... you know... that's going on...  So perhaps, my dear ones it is time for me to lay my head down upon my pillow.

Adieu, until the morrow.

Random thought: I really wish Edleweiss from the Sound of Music was an Austrian folk song, instead of a song they just wrote for the Sound of Music. But I just learned it was the last song that Rogers and Hammerstein ever wrote together, so that makes it a little better. (Hammerstein died from stomach cancer 9 months later.) That it is their last song together is poetic and so sad.

Remember that?

I leave for northern MO in 2 days...well technically, I'll be in northern MO in two days... I leave in the middle of the day. Don't worry, though, I'm sure my sister will let me use her computer to blog while I'm at home. Oh and for any robber types out there reading this, I live in an apartment complex right next door to my best friend who doesn't work and frequently drops by my place when I am not there to "borrow" Pepsis and movies/TV shows. And my landlord is around all the time, too, Not to mention I don't really have that good of stuff to steal.. so let it go, man, let it go.

Anyway all that to say: I need to pack.... and do laundry. The days have escaped me, so tomorrow night is gonna be a bit of a scramble to get everything together. I do so love a challenge, I suppose.... I'm not actually sure that is a true statement I just uttered.... or typed.

Oh, here's a challenge I love- Song challenge time! There is a rather popular current song where a group of people are singing "When they..." and it's auto tuned... Every time I hear it, I think, "That sounds like they are singing, 'Renée.'" Can you figure out what song I'm speaking of?  Bonus random song tidbit: I like to think that in the song "Dynamite" Taio Cruz is actually singing, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, Galileo." (actual lyric is "gotta let go") I think the song is much more amusing when you think about it being sung to the Italian physicist/mathematician/astronomer. Taio and his homeboy Galileo, gonna rock that club.

Do you remember a while ago when I said that I got news that made me gasp and then sob? Well, I've finally been given permission to blog about it. Kara (and Josh) are having a baby boy! And they are naming him Bolt, which I just love. It's Josh's mom's maiden name and both Josh and his sister's middle names and it's just an awesome name. But the news that made me gasp and cry is that his middle name is going to be Nathan.... for my Nathan. Makes me tear up again, just typing it. Nathan would have been so honored. I'm so touched. I love my friends very much.

Today I was at a meeting where people were talking about our church, and someone said something, that I'm taking totally out of context. He was talking about our church and the things he has seen God do in/through the church and feeling like it could repeat, if He wants.. and the way this person described it was that he felt like God said, "Remember that? I can do it again...." And it got to me, in a big way- though personally rather than in the general church context, as it was meant to refer.  You see, the whole time I was sitting in the meeting I was just so sad, because I was missing Nathan.. I was missing the camaraderie... someone who I can talk to with just a glance... someone whose exact thoughts I know, just by their body language. And then this guy said, "Remember that? I can do it again. And it may not look exactly the same, but I can do it again." And I stopped being able to subtly hide my tears... Because I was suddenly flooded with all the memories of how wonderful my relationship with Nathan was...

I get so scared sometimes that I've used up/ filled up my love card. That God will get back to me when He's matched up all the other deserving people in the world (cause you know that God makes people wait their turn, don't cha?) Or that any other relationship I have is going to somehow be diluted, because I was once married to someone else, or just that something will somehow be *less* than what I once had... and having someone remind me that God can do it again- and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good... Remember that friendship? I can do it again. Remember that understanding? I can do it again. Remember that laughter? I can do it again. Remember that happiness? I can do it again. Remember that sense of comfort and peace? I can do it again. Remember that love? I can do it again. Remember that joy? I can do it again. It got to me... What I had with Nathan doesn't have to end with Nathan's life. Remember that? I can do it again. That and someone hugged me in a, "we love you, and it's going to be ok" kind of a way, just as all of that started to hit. Sympathy: easiest way to cause me to break down, ever... Well that and yelling at me, but sympathy is much nicer.

I think I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve as a part of a community... how to let others see it happen in me. I mean I know I share on here... but in person, I try to keep under control as much as I can. Melissa was telling me tonight that letting others see what's happening in me is good for them.. and in a lot of ways that's a foreign concept to me. I feel like me being strong is good for people. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm "strong" because I'm feeling strong... but sometimes I'm strong cause I don't want to bring everyone down... and admit that I'm not. Oh grief, you fickle minx.

In other news, Nathan's cousin posted this blog link on Facebook that I have to share with you. It's about dying eggs for Easter. Dying them to make the coolest flipping eggs I've ever seen in my entire life. I fully expect the thrift stores in Springfield to be out of silk ties by the end of the day, this is that cool.

Seriously- Look at this.

I might start buying a collection of silk things now- for the Easter of my future children.

"For the Easter of my future children" I really like the feel of that phrase... like it should be in a poem, or the end of a piece of classic literature... It's like a hopeful version of  "the winter of our discontent."

Wow... yes, I did just compare my writing to that of William Shakespeare... My ego apparently knows no bounds.

Going through the memories

Today has been a remembering day.

I found a note that I wrote to Nathan in May or June for him to find before he left to go on a St. Louis trip with his Mom- I shall transcribe it for you:

Nathan,
1) I *heart drawing* U!
2)Also- Don't forget to take your oil w/ you & to get more, or get them to change it to something more readily available, or take you off of it, entirely.
3) And don't forget to take Gatorade & snacks
4) And don't forget your pills- I will get your script refill today after work- I forgot!
5) And I *heart drawing* U.
6) And I will miss you
7) And I'm sorry I didn't get to see you very much yesterday. It was a bummer. (Drawing of a mildly detailed sad face with an arrow pointing to it and captioned, "me, bummed.")
8) And I *heart drawing* U, fuzzy-head

Renée

I was cleaning off the laptop that Nathan had during his illness (It's actually MSU's laptop, but he had it because he was still helping do web things and uploading things for the RLOW project) and I found the "Shatner of the Mount" audio file that he uploaded to his phone, so that he could hear it at his slightest whim... I can see him "grooving" to it in my mind.. I think he just grooved to show off because he knew I thought he was funny... and I found a 5 second video of him that he made when testing out our web cams... and watched it about 4 times.

Also because of several suggestions I'm compiling Caring Bridge, Nathan's blog and my blog and going to attempt to put it together into a memoir/book-thing...Yeah me and Justin Beiber are writing memoirs... I mean we are just cool like that. *tosses bangs* Obviously I will have to edit a lot and add things... like the last day... and while I think I need to write about it while it's still solid in my memory, I'm also terrified to go back to that day and re-live. Maybe I'll do that on a day when I know I have plans for that night, just so I don't get stuck there in my head.

Going through my old blog posts brought back a lot of memories of the last 16 months... and now I know the date that Nathan hurt his back... Oct 13th... That was the beginning of the end. I cannot say how incredibly grateful I am that I didn't know then what was coming... I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach during that last week in the hospital, and that was hard enough to deal with... I'm so glad we don't know the future.

Though I have to say I wouldn't mind knowing the future a little right now... Then I would know what to do instead of just muddling through each day as best I can.