Bashing photos

I started to go to bed, and then realized I'd not blogged yet, so this is going to be shorter that I was planning earlier today. So, instead I'll give you some photos from yesterday:

The rage, the fury, the sunglasses

It's like a bashing ballet

Not pictured: The shower of keys when he bashed it.

Pictured: attitude.

A fun time was had by all.

 It was a blast... I knew it was going to be fun... I had no idea it would be that much fun. Josh made a video, too. I'll attempt to link to it when he gets a chance to post it.

Here's a link to the video... Hopefully you can see it!

Thanks

I've come close to losing my voice from laughing and yelling and I'm totally exhausted.

Kara says I get a pass on my blog tonight, but I just wanted to say- Thank you.

Thank you to everyone who's been there through any part of this year with me. Thanks for showing up today and thanks for showing up in my life.

I love you all and I'm so grateful.... I think Nathan was watching today and I think he was smiling a lot.

What I've learned

Ok, here we go. It's the day.

I can do this... I have a special outfit picked out, I have my alarm clock set, I have a full, and likely exhausting day of plans set. I can do this.

In honor of the day, I'm going to list the things I have learned over the last year.

1) I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever knew.

2) Everyone's grief is different. I know lots of people say this, but it's so hard to really grasp until you are in it.

3) I like Apple products.  Yeah, so this one isn't deep... I still didn't know it at this time last year.

4) I have the most incredible set of friends anyone could ever ask for.

5) It sucks to have the illusion of immortality stripped away from you.... and from your friends.

6) Looking beautiful is a very important weapon in my arsenal of coping mechanisms.

7) I hate the phrase "move on." I am/will move forward, but you don't "move on" from your spouse dying, as if it's just a hurdle you have to get over.

8) Likewise I hate hearing that Nathan "lost his battle" with cancer. Eff that. Nathan's in heaven. That's winning. That's the ultimate winning. And besides that, cancer never broke him. Never. Heck it barely even got him down. He kicked cancer in the face and then he went to go tell God about it in person. He "lost," my patootie.

9) I'm a writer. I wouldn't have called myself that a year ago.

10) Joy is a choice and it's not always an easy one, but it is usually the right one.

11) I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Phil 4:13)

Miss him

hmmm

Weird day.

Weird dreams this morning.

Productive morning/afternoon, and then an accidental nap... and since then... sad.

There are a lot of different ways that I'm sad. Sometimes I sad about my life, what it used to be like and what it's like now. Sometimes I'm sad about how everything turned out and how much time is gone... and sometimes I'm just sad cause I really miss my friend.

This is one of those times... I really miss my friend.

I absolutely think the best reason to get married to someone is that they are your best friend, and I married mine, but that's part of the reason why it's hard. Because I don't just miss my husband, I miss the person who I talked to about the little things. I miss the steady prescence... the person who I always knew how they felt about me. It's amazing how much more difficult it can be to maintain self confidence when you never know how you are coming across to other people... and when it matters... cause it matters a lot more when you don't have that one person who you know thinks the sun rises and sets with you.

I don't wish it, but sometimes I wonder if it would have been easier if our marriage wasn't so wonderful.

And sometimes... and I think this might make me a terrible person... sometimes I hear about people getting a divorce, or a guy being abusive and I think- why couldn't *that* guy have gotten cancer and died? Why did it have to be Nathan? who only ever abused video game controllers and would never have divorced me. Pretty sure God doesn't do trades like that... and those men have people who love them, too.

I remember what it was like to be adored.

Earlier this week I heard a guy talking about a classmate as, "That guy who only ever talked about his wife."

Nathan didn't take this class.... but I think he might have been one of those guys... I know that he told me about how he talked about me whenever he was introduced as a GA. At the time I didn't think it was odd, but looking back, I'm not sure many people would bring their personal life into their professional life like that. But he didn't care, he just liked bragging about me. He thought he was so lucky.... Though I think I'm the one who was lucky.

Tonight is the last time I ever spoke to him. They were getting worried about his oxidation levels and decided that they needed to intubate him. And the nurse left the room and we talked and he asked me what I thought. I said that I thought we had to do what the drs and nurses thought was best... and he nodded his head, tiredly, and said, "If you think that's what we should do then that's what we will do. I trust you. I don't care what the drs or nurses say, I trust you."

and I said, "I think we have to, babe."

And he said, "I love you, sweetheart. Forever and ever and ever."

And I said, "I love you, too, forever and ever and ever."

I want to move forward in my life- I am, in many ways. But please forgive me if every now and again I look back and just miss him.

Persnickety

*sigh* I didn't clean all the things... not even close... I'm about to start laundry... yes, it's 12:36... actually I'm gonna do that now, so if the blog takes a long time I can transfer to the dryer when I'm done/ going to bed.

While I was up I remembered that I had Andy's in the freezer that I had yet to eat. But I'm eating it, now!

God Bless America.

I discovered today that my wii controller is magnetic.

I really love the flavor of vanilla... I know a lot of people (especially women, it seems) flip over chocolate, but vanilla is really good. I think I might like it more. But I'm kinda weird, I also like the flavor of any grain when sweetened- rice, corn, oats, barley... ok, so I've never had sweetened barley but it's probably good.

I'm stalking my phone case... well I'm trying to but all they will tell me is that it was once in Tulsa, OK. Is it stalking when it belongs to me? Rhonda and I have this discussion often. She accuses me of facebook stalking her and I say that it's not stalking if it's family. Just because I like comments she made months ago doesn't mean I'm a creeper. I'm not sneakin' into her house, snatchin' her people up.

I'm bad at eating ice cream tonight.

or "frozen custard" if you are gonna get technical on me.

You are, aren't you? You are gonna get technical on me. I can hear it in your tone. Don't think I don't pick up on the way your eyes (in the future) are judgmentally running across every line I've written. I can tell!

You and that darn German judge. Always giving me lower points for technical difficulty levels.

Is paranoia a symptom of grief or just general craziness?

I wrote like 4 pages today. I'm proud of myself. I could have kept going, but it was 7, I needed to eat, and Kara said she was going to bring her baby by my house and I'm a sucker for a baby-by.

Do you like my new word, baby-by? It's like a drive-by only with a baby.... and it lasts longer than a drive-by.... and there are no cars involved.... and oh my gosh with the technicalities again! I just can't talk to you when you are in this kind of a mood! We'll try again tomorrow and maybe you'll be less persnickety.

Such a good word... it's like brain candy.

Persnickety.

Yum.

I feel... I feel... I feel happy of myself!

Went to a friends birthday party tonight... it was a lot of fun... I was like the second or third loudest person at the table, but I only knew 2 of the people there... I felt very proud of myself for not hiding away in my shell like a scaredy cat.

I spent the entire day folding and addressing and stuffing contribution letters so that might have something to do with why I was so gregarious.

I love my iPhone. A lot. I texted like crazy today, but that's ok, because of this wonderful thing called iMessage.

Also my general ringtone is "Life's a Happy Song," Yes, I think I'm brilliant, too.

I'm now accepting requests for what you want your ringtone to be.... though Kara, I need to let you listen to what your current ringtone is before you make your decision. I think you will like it. :) I meant to have you listen today, but I got distracted by the exceeding cuteness of your baby.

Tomorrow night's plan? CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!

It's been a Hyperbole and a Half kind of day for me. (hint, click Hyperbole and a Half to understand what I'm talking about.)

Also I just want to share this youtube video . Kara shared it with me originally and it's risen to the top of my subconscious because she's started saying, "I feel happy of myself" lately and I just like how that sounds.

Buh- can't get the right you-tube to load, so go to this link to see it.

And there is a songify it version, too... Which I like, I might like the original better.

I'm a special kind of special

The following is an actual conversation that I had in my head today. I would have posted it on FB but I had already inundated it with a music video and questions about iPhone cases, so I thought I should lay low for a few hours.

Let me lay the scene for you- I went to Sonic and ordered a burger and a drink. The guy talked really fast and didn't give me a chance to ask any questions and my food was out almost before I got the chance to scan my debit card in. I get my stuff, I say thanks to the rollerskating carhop, take a drink, and then...

"What is this? I said a cranberry slush. What IS this?!? Stupid Sonic, giving me the wrong drink. Oh it's on, now, Sonic. What kind of a fool do you take me for? I wanted Cranberry! HOW DARE YO-- wait... This is actually kinda good. What is this?? *looks at menu* Lemonberry?  It must be. I didn't even know that was a slush option. It's not that bad, actually... Fine, Sonic, you live to fight another day... This time..."

I'm a special kind of special.

Phone

So when Nathan died I had to removed his number as the primary phone number and make my own the primary number. This meant I had to re-up my contract and deal with sundry rigamarole... And I thought this also meant that I couldn't get a new phone until my old contract expired, which would be another year from March. I had a lot of trouble with my phone over the weekend-- dropping calls, not ringing when people called me- though it would 5 minutes later if they or someone else called me- and it's just been getting slower and slower. So I'd pretty much had it, and I decided to look into how mcuh buying  a new phone would cost.

And then I discovered something marvelous. I can buy a new phone *now* for the discounted rate... apparently the phone and the contract run on different timers, and the phone goes from when we first got it, not when I changed everything over.

Huzzah!!

So tomorrow I'm gonna get an iPhone 4s... unless they don't have one in Springfield and then I'm going to order one online. I've researched cases and I'm going to go with this one made by *(speck)

Rainbow plaid!!! Hell to the yeah!

It's got pretty good durability ratings while still being pretty to look at, which I really do care about. The Otterboxes and other super-sturdy cases just don't have rainbow plaid (or any other design/look that I'm excited about.) Yes, I know, I'm such a girl!

Some people might accuse me of indulging in retail therapy... to those people I say: Yep.

but


I have been talking about getting an iPhone for a while now, and while I understand the purchase high isn't something that lasts, using it during a the low week seems like one of the smartest decisions I could make.

So I'm making it.

And let's just not think about what kind of financially irresponsible decisions might have been made if I hadn't been eligible for the discount, ok?

ok.

A note of little import

I apparently have more friends who read my blog than I knew, based on the number of people who have come up to me and asked for/ given me hugs. It's nice.

Tonight I stayed up until 1:45 reading a book...

I think there might be something deep inside my soul that derives a lot of comfort from staying up later than I should reading a book. I really do think it's a quirk of mine that is absolutely endearing... and I wonder if that is because it really is, or because something inside of me rejoices in it and so assumes that everyone else must love it about me as well.

Nathan thought it was endearing... except when it was 4 in the morning and I still had the bedside light on... I think he just thought it was annoying then.

I probably would have in his shoes, too. I'm not at my most forgiving when I'm asleep.

I was reading a new Tamora Pierce book tonight. I loved her books in Jr. High and High School, and I still really enjoy them.  I also love that she and Bruce Coville are writing buddies... it makes them into actual people in my mind... and they are two of my very favorite YA authors which makes me hold out a good deal of hope for my little writing group. How much fun it would be if we all stayed friends and got published/famous!

Goal of this week is to clean my apartment and do whatever else I need to, to get through. That should probably start with gong to bed, as it's way past my bed time.

Thank you for being a friend

Today I'm so grateful for my friends. I think perhaps that most people are not as lucky as I am, to be blessed with such great friends. I don't know how most people make it through the hard times. But I have great *great* friends. And I keep adding more to the mix. Friends who will call me up when there is a party and I'm not there. Friends who just like to hang out with me and will help me get out of the house when I say I can't be there- even when they don't know why. Friends who will be bossy because I don't like to make decisions, friends who make me laugh, friends who play games with me, friends who offer hugs cause they know I won't ask, friends who randomly give me Starbucks cards, friends who will move my car for me when someone else parked so close that I can't get into the driver side door and they have to crawl over the console. Friends who will tease me and embarrass me so that the whole room is busting up and I'm turning bright red, but also feeling like I'm normal. I'm just Renée, not the friend who is a widow or the tragic girl, but I'm just me, and just as easy to tease as any other girl.


I'm so insanely grateful for the ability that I picked up somewhere along the way to live in the moment.
It's been a really long time since I've felt normal... and I did tonight... and I'm still drinking it up... I think this is the feeling that the idea of bubble baths with candles gives you... I don't think I'd really like a candlelit bubble bath... I think I'd be bored. But I like the idea of it... soothing and relaxing and peaceful... and as strange as it feels that's the feeling I got tonight when I was being teased.

No one was afraid of me, no one was even aware of me being other than one of their friends... and that breath of normalcy felt so good at a time when I'm so very aware of my lack of normalcy.

I don't even know how it's possible to be blessed as richly in friends as I have been, and yet I keep finding more.

I just keep coming back to Deuteronomy 31:  6-8 (It's quoted in Hebrews as well) Moses is speaking to Israel and passing the torch to Joshua who will lead Israel, now... and he says:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Then Moses summoned Joshua and said to him in the presence of all Israel, “Be strong and courageous, for you must go with this people into the land that the Lord swore to their ancestors to give them, and you must divide it among them as their inheritance.  The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

God is with me in this land of widowhood. And the friends he's given me- they have been by my side and they continue to be.

I have not been left. I have not been forsaken, therefore I should be strong and courageous. I should not be afraid, I should not be discouraged.

Quick! Don't think about Abraham Lincoln!

As a widow there are things you try not to think about... and usually you are unsuccessful... it's like someone yelling, "Quick! Don't think about Abraham Lincoln!"  And then all you can think about is that towering bearded president...

That's what I'm trying to do right now, and I'm not being successful at it. Not even a little bit.

This was the last day that Nathan walked.

Tomorrow at noon will be when he called me in to tell me he couldn't move or feel his legs... tomorrow night is the night we drove to St. Louis and stayed in the emergency room all night... the next night was his surgery... and then... well, you know the story. I can live every hour of it over in my head. My enormous bank of medical terminology and knowledge is starting to fade but this week last year... it's all there, still.

I realized not that long ago that I remember everything up to leaving his room after he was gone... but I don't remember anything after that. I have random little flashes. I remember being in the hotel room and packing my things up but I don't remember how I got there. I remember stopping at Cracker Barrel to eat, but not riding in a car... I remember getting back to Springfield and people running in jogging shorts because it was 70 degrees but nothing about that night, except that Kara and Rhonda were there. There are these enormous gaping holes in my memory... and that isn't normal for me... not at all. Especially when contrasted with how well I remember the week before... this week.

There are now so many things that I think in my head, "They don't know what they are saying." Till death do us part. -Most people don't have a clue what they are saying when they make that vow... I didn't. When I made that vowed I never actually expected to be parted by death.

I'm good at grieving. I've managed it all very well, and I've rebuilt myself and my life into something I never would have imagined. I'm a flipping grieving rock-star. But no matter how skilled I am at dealing and how well I've done, I still don't want to be here. I know- intimately- that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all... but I'm ready to gain rather than lose. I'm ready to not have to look so hard for the positives. I'm ready for experiences to knock this week right out of my head.

I'm accepting hugs this week. I don't care who you are. I'm accepting hugs.

Winter blahs

Every once in a while I just want to talk to him...  Not because I have anything earth shattering to say but just because it's been so long and I have so much to tell him about what's happened and people I've met and things that I've done. Even if he couldn't stay... even if he wasn't "mine" any more... just to hear his thoughts and his laugh and get his opinion... even if I didn't follow what he thought I should do. Just to hear his voice again.

The thing that's so hard about death is how permanent it feels... It's not like he's going to come back from vacation at any moment and tell me all about how cool heaven is. I wish it was. I wish I could talk to him... but he isn't there, so instead I write on his facebook wall... not because he can read it but because other people can and if they can then at least someone knows... at least I don't feel quite so alone.

Ugh. I don't think I like the winter... all of the really hard stuff happened in the cold... and I've even been having some pretty good times as of late, but the default emotion just isn't nearly as positive as it is in the spring or the summer.

Maybe I'm just pouty cause I have to go to the dentist and get some fillings tomorrow morning. Double Ugh.

Well as a combat to fillings and the winter blahs I will post this: it's an article about 12 things that you can do to make yourself happier (aka 12 things that happy people naturally do.) Can't hurt, right?

Self-confidence

I'm (slowly) learning that self-confidence is not believing you are so incredible that everyone else must think so as well, but rather knowing that sometimes someone won't think you are incredible and being ok with that.

Because if they don't think you are incredible what's the worst that can happen? They make fun of you behind your back. Maybe they make fun of you to your face but that doesn't normally happen now that we've all left jr. high.

So they secretly make fun of you and maybe avoid you.

I don't want to hang out with people who don't like me anyway. And if I don't know that it happens, do I really have to feel bad about it? There are probably people saying really nice things about me somewhere, too. It all equals out.

Plus it's a lot easier to like people who aren't desperate for you to like them... to just see if there is chemistry and to start hanging out if there is. Pressure makes life harder.

I am finally getting to a place where I have the kind of self-confidence that can say to people, "I like you. I think you are totally great. And if you think the same about me, wonderful, and if you don't.... Ok. I still like you, and there is nothing to be ashamed of in that."

Do we care if little kids like us? No, we just smile at them and talk to them, and laugh when they hide from us or run away from us.

Did I care if my students liked me? Not really, I had friends, I didn't need for them to be my friends... Though I was happy that a lot of them did like me.

It's that attitude that's really freeing.

I'd love it if you'd like me... but if you don't... meh.... no skin off my nose. I have friends. I don't need you, I just like you and there is room in my life for you if you want to take up some space.

In the middle of ruins

Lately I've kinda been getting my butt kicked.

How so you ask?

Well, I kinda touched on it yesterday, though to be honest I made myself sound a lot better about it than I think I really am. Sometimes I twist my experiences to make myself sound the way I know I should rather than the way I actually am... but sometimes that works to change me, cause then I feel like I have to live up to what I said.

Tonight I was thinking... well about a lot of things.. Faith and healing and change and my life.... And I got to thinking about how I don't really feel like I need healing... I don't feel broken. And then I started thinking about how it's really my life that's been broken. My life is the thing that needs healing. And then I started thinking about how hard I've been trying to fix my life ever since it broke and how I can't really do that... I don't have the power to fix it. But I want it fixed... I want everyone I know to be praying that it will get fixed... fix, fix, fix, fix. This was all happening at small group, by the way. So we came to a place where they asked if anyone wanted prayer and I said yes... basically for healing for my life.

And as we were praying, some of the things people were saying made me come to a couple of startling realizations. One person was praying and started talking about how I was separated in a way from my life... like the broken state of my life wasn't affecting me as a person... and that God was in that... and I was confused at first - cause I don't really see how God is in my broken life. But then I realized... it's not that God's in the broken-ness of my life... it's that God is in the separation of me from my life. This isn't normal for anyone... and certainly not for me... I've always been a worrier and a planner and I take things too personally when it comes to my life. I had my life planned out and I did everything in the exact order and timing that I was supposed to. And then everything fell to pieces. I should have fallen to pieces, too. It makes no logical sense that I haven't and it can't be explained away by my stoic country upbringing or my inner strength... No one is that strong or that stoic... and it's not like I haven't been bruised up... but it's as though God's got me wrapped up in this huge layer of bubble-wrap and even though the box of my life has been thrown, smashed, and generally mangled by a lion, I'm still intact. I'm still alright... I'm still ok.

And God's in that.

I get so focused on fixing my life I don't stop to remember that I shouldn't be like this.

I should be a hot mess.

I should *just now* maybe be coming out of a state of intense grief. And it's not that I don't grieve or that a part of me won't always grieve... but (and this is actually something someone prayed tonight, not knowing the inner meaning of the words to me) I'm ok and I'm ok with being ok.

I need to be more grateful about the fact that I've been so incredibly protected and less frustrated that my life isn't everything I want it to be. I need to be patient, because if God can protect me from this so well, He's certainly not going to leave it at that. He's got a plan and I need to wait for it and be happy where I am.

I don't have to jump off the waterfall just to prove that I'm willing to do whatever I need to. He knows that... I'm still here, after all. So I can be patient and wait and trust that if I need to get to the bottom God will give me a way... and if I need to jump, then he'll give me a parachute... or something... maybe a sweet hang glider.

But it's possible that He just wanted to show me a waterfall to remind me that He is the author of some amazingly beautiful things, and He doesn't need or want me to jump.

So, Renée, take a freaking look around and realize that you are standing in the middle of ruins when you should be under that pillar. And give it some time. Rome wasn't rebuilt in a day... or in a year.

Free Lemons

Well, I think I've made the decision... I don't think I'm going to take a class this semester.

I've been going back and forth for a long time, and basically it boils down to a few things.

1) I lead a pretty busy life already and I want to have time to work on writing this book.

2) Classes are expensive and playwriting isn't something that I'm sure I want to get into.

3) I'd have to stop going to small group for a semester.

4) I already know of 2 classes I would have to miss.

I know, fewer ways to meet new people if I don't go to a class, but if that's really my goal I think I should be considering a master's degree rather than just a few classes off and on.

It's a really fine line, balancing life goals and being content with what God's given you... Because in some ways you have to want more than what you have to even have a goal, but I also don't want to be dissatisfied or even insinuate that I don't think what I have is enough. Because it really is.

I realized something today that I consider to be absolutely incredible. I'm looking forward to the 29th. And the reason I'm looking forward to it is that I have some really great friends who are committed to making the day not suck for me, so they've planned a fun activity where I can see and hang out with lot of people. I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be this well-adjusted and normal following the death of my spouse... but I'm also pretty sure most people don't have the benefit of wonderful friends like mine.

I'm not as content as I could be with what I've been given.... It's sooo easy to focus on the have-nots rather than the haves.... Ok, so I don't have a person to share my life with, a million dollars, or a pony... but I do have incredible friends- more being added all the time, relative financial stability (and considering medical expenses that could have easily been untrue), and the leisure time with which I can pursue the career and pastimes that I enjoy. So many people in this world couldn't say that. So I'm working on being content when God's timing isn't mine.

I just need to remember that even when life is handing you lemons, you are still getting free lemons...

And there are grocery stores all over the freaking place...

And lemon bars are yummy.

Definitely not a fish

All weekend long I kept forgetting that I have MLK Jr Day off- then remembering and being excited... and then forgetting again, remembering again, and being excited again.

I feel like Dory in "Finding Nemo"

I always have to think for a second whenever I say the title of the movie, because I'm from Northeastern Missouri, so NEMO is not a fish in my mind it's a geographical location.... or an internet provider... or the name of the fairgrounds.

Definitely not a fish though. Definitely, definitely not.

OK, I know as blogs go this one is pathetic but I can't think of another thing to say.

So I'm just going to stop talking and go to bed so I can wear my new hoodie tomorrow.

Come on, you know you wear your new clothes the day after you buy them, too.

Dreamboat

I have amazing nail polish. It's pink... but it's also a rainbow. I'm not even joking. I bought it because I saw pictures, but when I got it, I thought it wouldn't be cause the bottle just makes it look like glittery pink, but then you put it on your nails and this is what it looks like:

http://theposhpolish.blogspot.com/2011/08/nfu-oh-62.html

 Hot diggity dog!!

Seriously I use the slang of my grandmother's generation. *and I don't even mean to.* I referred to someone as a dreamboat the other day.... only it was in my head, which means that it wasn't ironic cause you aren't normally ironic when you are just thinking to yourself. No, I just actually think he's a dreamboat.

Dreamboat... how is that even supposed to be a good thing. Like dreamy I get, but dreamboat? Apparently it's from a song "When My Dream Boat Comes Home" -a 1936 song credited to Guy Lombardo.

Thanks youtube:

I kinda like music from the 30's...and not just because I was in a WWII musical review show once upon a time.

I also like Michael Buble dancing on top of refrigerator units and shelves...

This music video revives this song for me. Someone pointed out how well it actually works to talk about an unborn baby, and that's all I've been able to associate with it, since. But now I can also associate awesome supermarket shenanigans with it.

Michael Bublé is a dreamboat.

Prthanks.

Tomorrow I'm going to a pancake fundraiser for one of the nurses of 5W... at least I think she's a nurse... It doesn't really matter. She works on 5 West, she took care of my husband and she's battling breast cancer. Good enough for me.

I'm getting up at 7:00 to do this... ok probably 7:30. Still, that's early for me.

Oh did I tell you my hours changed? I now start work at 10 rather than 9. It's amazing what an hour will do for you. I feel so much better rested waking up at 9/9:30 than I did at 8/8:30. It's just that much closer to my natural sleep schedule I think.

So I wrote that at around 5 in the afternoon (sometimes I write blog posts a long time before I post them. Shhhhhh don't tell!)

Then I got distracted... by dinner I think? Then I watched the Joplin Extreme Makeover Home Edition, which was really great. and then Kara came over and we talked for...  well she came over around 8:30 or so... and she just left at 2.... so like 5 and a half hours... I love talking to Kara. I don't know why God has given her a calling to move away from me. I don't doubt it, I just dislike it.

I make up for it in my head by assuming that she will use me as an illustration of awesome things in like 85% of her sermons so if I ever come visit her church on a Sunday I will be a walking celebrity.

(What does that even mean, Renée??? As opposed to all the wheelchair-bound celebrities, who are just rampant? Can't get rid of those guys, they are way too excited about having a wheelchair to play in! British GPS says, "Blimey, you've just gone on a bit of a ramble now, 'aven't ya? Don' know 'ow you are gonna recovah from that one, mate. Best tell a story, give em an illustration-like. Off you go now.)

This is how I imagine it going- We'll run into someone in the church hallway and I'll say, "Hi, I'm Renée! I'm a good friend of Kara's."

And people will stop as they are reaching their hand out to shake mine and they will say, "Did you say, Renée?"

And I'll smile confusedly because their hand is frozen in the air and they aren't shaking my proffered hand, and say, "Yes."

And then they will get a look of wonder and awe on their face, grab my hand, and shake it very enthusiastically and they will say, "I've heard so many stories but I never thought I'd have a chance to actually meet you in person. It's such a pleasure!"

And I will smile and be very polite and chat with them a few minutes longer.

Then I will get the heck out of Philadelphia because Kara has WAY oversold me.

How is "proffered" even a word. You know what it means? It means offered. Wait. So you add a "pr" to a word and it still means the same thing?? That's Prediculous! Preposterous!  oooh wait maybe I can just say, "That's Eposterous!"

I have yet to tell Kara that her advertisement of me as the second greatest human who ever lived is how I'm reconciling her leaving. I kept thinking about it tonight but I never worked it around to that. So I guess this is me telling her.

Kara, I know in my heart that I'm awesome. Your calling is simple- tell the world about Jesus (and how awesome I am.)

Prthanks.

To Class or not to class

Quick- should I sign up for a playwriting class that starts on Tuesday? Why can't I decide??  I'm not getting any sort of read on which would be the better way to go. Lately the pro/con list has been a letting me down.

You know it really is amazing how much better I feel if I go to Starbucks for a few hours before I come home. Only problem with that is the purchase of a drink when I go there. Yummy but not really fiscally responsible.... but then again if I'm paying for a better mood...

I think Starbucks might be the adult version of a fraternity/sorority.

Forget this whole finding a new man thing. I want my old one back. He was great. Lets just get him back here.

Being lonely is just so darn frustrating. Cause there isn't much you can do to fix it (usually the more you try the worst it gets.) And the fix is so simple, but so hard to perfect.

And I have the added frustration of having already fixed this.. and now all my tools are rusty and out of date. God, just fix this, please?

Sadly, I pray that pretty darn often. Or maybe it's good that I pray it so often and it's just my American sensibilities that think it's sad.

I feel like I'm suffering from an interesting topic drought. I blame video games.

Maybe I should take the class I... it might make my life more interesting... That's rather amusing when you think about it- I want to take a writing course so I have something to write about.

I'm blank because...

Saw this on someone else's blog and I liked it so I thought I would share my version of it:

I'm weird because:
I like to leave change lying around my house because it makes me feel rich.
I hate driving, but love my car.
I don't like pets all that much.
I feel like I have to always follow the rules, but I don't like being told what to do or how I'm going to react to something.
I love anything and everything about amusement parks.
I hate talking on the phone, but love chatting on the internet.
I really like oranges, but I don't like the pulp so after I "eat" an orange I have the peel and a bunch of orange slices that have been sucked dry.
That makes me feel guilty so I don't eat oranges very often.
I prefer to take cool showers (not cold, but *not* hot) around 90 degrees or so (average human is 98.6 degrees as you may recall)

I'm a bad friend because:
I'm an enabler- I will encourage you to do what you want, including buy the thing, eat the calories and  stay up past your bedtime.
I don't want to call you. (see why I'm weird)
I don't like making decisions about things that will effect both of us. (Like what restaurant to go to or where to go next)
I can need a lot of reassurance at the beginning of a friendship.

I'm a good friend because:
I'm supportive, I will try to help, or at least be sensitive to, anything you have decided whether I agree with it or not.
I want to listen to your thoughts/feelings/childhood stories, ect.
I'm always up for grabbing lunch somewhere.
I'm very loyal, and I'll do almost anything for my friends if they ask me.
I will help you paint your house.
I don't mind being the "pursue-er" in the friendship if I think we hit it off.
I don't get mad very often and when I do I'm pretty good at letting it go and moving on.
I'm not really a judger for anyone but myself, so if you've made mistakes or don't think the same way as I do, we can still be friends.

I'm sad because: 
I found the cutest house for rent in the entirety of Springfield. It's in a great neighborhood (once Melissa is married she'd be like 4 blocks away,) it's 1500 sq ft, it has a gas stove, and it's just charming. However, it's also at the top of my price range and availiable now, which means there is no way it will be when I'm ready to move out here (afterall, it's the cutest house in Springfield!) If it were only one of those things I'd probably try to see if arrangements could be made.. but with both I think I just have to be sad.
I'm lonely.
I have a friend who went to England and Ireland and he keeps posting pictures and status updates on fb and making me *crazy jealous.*
Teleportation hasn't been invented yet.

I'm happy because:
I got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
It's snowing outside.
I'm very blessed.
I feel pretty.
I am loved.

I'm excited for:
Using the "Starbucks technique" to get a lot of writing done.
Getting to have a second wedding someday. (There are *very* few positives about being a widow. That is one.)
Seeing family/ Chicago in February.
My grandfather's 80th birthday party in March.
Melissa's wedding in May

Sometimes I worry that I have no secrets left... That anyone who wants to get to know me could just read it all on my blog and never have to bother with actually having a conversation with me.

Then I remember that I don't actually know myself all that well, so reading my blog wouldn't give someone the whole picture and I feel better.

Then I remember that I don't tell my blog *everything* and I feel much better.

Then I remember that about 85% of my brain is used in remembering ridiculously detailed things from my childhood and song lyrics and I worry less about people being concerned that they don't know me well enough. Perhaps they know me just well enough to think I'm interesting and not well enough to find out that I'm actually highly repetitive and I use 85% of my brain on the storage of useless knowledge.

*sigh of relief*

Mile Marker

**Warning, this post contains a spoiler from early season 3 of Eureka... It's an important plot point that I will be discussing and I have to use names, so if you have any interest in the show or care about not having a spoiler, stop reading now.**

Ok, brave soul. remember how I told you a while back that I was watching Warehouse 13?

Yes, I'm well aware that I have a Netflix addiction.

So, I watched all of that show (that has been aired) and I've moved on to Eureka which technically started airing first. This matters because they actually take place in the same universe, sometimes the characters even bleed over. I'm working my way through Season 3 now. I'm enjoying the show. I don't think it is as good as W13, but it's fun and I've decided the writers for both of the shows are my kind of nerds... can you have a writer's crush on a group of people?

Anyway there is this character on Eureka- his name is Nathan Stark. He is an important character but he's not the main one. (The main one is Sherriff Carter). You aren't really supposed to like Stark. It's not that you hate him, per se, but he's really egotistical, kind of a jerk to Carter who we love, and also the ex-husband AND fiancé of Carter's unspoken love interest. However he's also very smart and has several  moments that make you understand why Allison (the love interest) married him and then agreed to marry him again.

Ok, so then it's Stark and Allison's wedding day, and something goes wrong (as it always does in Eureka) and it ends up that Stark sacrafices himself to save everyone. -Normally that's what Carter does, and he manages to survive, but this is too scientific for Carter to do and Stark knows it, so Stark saves the day... and dies in the process. Or at least it appears so but I don't trust them to not bring back the character somehow.

ANYWAY, Allison is understandably upset. And we get it cause the guy turned out to be pretty dang good after all. He knew he was probably gonna die on his wedding day and he still did it to save the world. Makes him a pretty good guy after all. One character says to her (she has also survived the death of a spouse,) "The hard truth is, you can get past it, but you’ll never get over it, even if you have all the time in the world."

Wow. There's some truth. Smack dab in the middle of a Sy-Fy show.

Before Stark dies he makes sure that Carter has a necklace to give to Allison. It was supposed to be a wedding present. Turns out that Stark programed a hologram of himself on the necklace giving Allison a message... Like one of those storybooks from Hallmark.... only a big diamond instead. The message was basically an apology about their first marriage (which he left) and a promise that this time it's forever... and the final words are, "Ally, I will always love you. And I will never, ever leave you again."

And then Allison said, in tears, "Goodbye, Nathan."



And that's when I got punched in the gut. It was hard to breathe for a moment and I had to keep taking deep breaths. Everyone called him Stark except for Allison, and while I'd sympathized with her character a lot I hadn't been identifying with her.... Until I heard her say that. I suppose in a way it shows how far I've come since last Feb when a scene in a graveyard or a dying house elf was enough to send me into tears. But the way it still just comes from nowhere and blindsides me... that hasn't changed in the least.

You can get past it, but you'll never get over it.

I guess this was another mile marker.

In the terrible Aladdin sequel, Return of Jafar, there is a running line. "You'd be surprised what you can live through." 

That's true, too.
What? So I remember lines from a horrible Disney sequel... I also loved this song.

There is no explaining pre-teens.

Andúril

You know, I've been thinking and I think there is a stigma that comes along with being a widow... or at least a young widow. I mean it's not like people think you killed your husband or anything, but there is a bit of an assumption that you are damaged... that you have a lot of baggage... that you are going to have issues.

None of it is true. At least not any more true than it is of anyone else in the world. Everyone is damaged somehow, everyone has baggage, everyone has issues. I think that I'm probably just as well-adjusted if not more than a divorced woman... and I don't have trust issues. I think I have the same amount (or less) baggage than a woman my age who's never been married (and who wants to be)... and I have less fear and more confidence. And at least for now I only have half the issues a married woman has, because I don't have my husband's issues too. (That's a fun sidenote to marriage... you have to deal with double the issues.) I think that the elderly escape this stigma because... well, by the time you are old people expect you to know how to handle stuff. But if you're young then the death was probably tragic and you probably don't have a clue what you are doing.

Well that last part is true, I certainly don't have a clue what I'm doing. But I muddle along and I try and I keep looking forward... I mean I've been through a fire... and it's changed me... but I think becoming a widow has honed me. It's given me a point of view, it's given me perspective, and darn but if it hasn't made me even more sure of my faith and the importance of focusing on the positives... and you know... now, when I let my joy out... it means something to other people... Not that it didn't before, but when I can say, as a person who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death that it is well with my soul.... There is something powerful in that.

This post makes me feel like Andúril. Just call me the widow reforged, the flame of the west.

Weekend loose ends

I said this on facebook but I think it bears repeating. Today I realized that if I wanted to be around people and there were no people to be had/I didn't want to bug my friends I could go to Starbucks. I could go to Starbucks and work on my book. It's the perfect solution, because no one will be upset at Starbucks if we are just in the same room, not talking. Plus it will force me out of my comfort zone a little bit and make me make eye contact and smile at strangers. PLUS it will mean that I'm actually getting some writing in, rather than *planning* on writing but never actually doing it, which has been basically all I've done since the class ended one page does not count as progress-- especially not in a month's time.

I do not know why it took me so long to come to think of this... I just associate Starbucks with pastors (That's Tim and my uncle Jim's fault) and college study sessions, but surely not everyone at Starbucks in a college student or a pastor.... ok it might be close, but not everyone!

I watched Crazy Stupid Love tonight and enjoyed it just as much the second time... it's good. You and me, we should watch it together some time. I think I've decided that Emma Stone is my new favorite actress. Haven't had a favorite actress for a while, but I think she is it. She's hilarious and all the best parts of Lindsay Lohan without the drugs and the diva attitude. I want to watch "The Help" now, just because I know she's in it.

I had a good weekend. Got to recharge from the holidays... I love Kadin and Jeriah but they can be exhausting... especially when they are off their schedule and excited. (Not that it isn't all worth it when Jeriah stumbles over to you in sleep-zombie mode, crawls up in your lap and knocks out.) But this weekend was good.

Also, something you should be aware of: there is going to be an event on Jan 29. Josh and Kara are putting it together and you are invited if you love me or you loved Nathan. (Though I will of course understand if you don't come, and will still assume that you love me!) More information can be found here. I'm not sure why, but I've really been expecting people to not remember or care that it's been a year, so this is a big deal to me... a way to see that people haven't forgotten about him... that's one of my biggest fears... that people will forget about him. Maybe that's why I've been expecting it... trying to not get my hopes up? And it's a way to see that people are still here for me, too... I mean Nathan would have (does?) think it's hilarious and wonderful, but honestly the party on Earth is just as much for me as it is for him. (I'm sure he'll get his own party in heaven.) So anyway, come out if you wanna and if you wouldn't mind praying for nice weather, please do... It's hard to bash controllers in snowdrifts or slushie puddles. Jan 29 last year was sunny and close to 70... I'd rather have that than the blizzard that followed a few days later. Yeah I really don't want another blizzard, maybe next year.

Boss Fight

Had a Nathan dream last night. I hate them.

This one was different somehow...and I don't remember how, cause all I thought was- "Oh that wasn't the normal one." But I didn't plant what was different in my long term memory and it went the way that dreams do.

The "normal" dream is that he's somehow come back and I now have to figure out what's going on with him...  My emotions have changed with these dreams- at first it was just joy that he came back and then it was panic about everything that had to be done to tell the world he was back. This one might have been that he had died and I had to take care of all the arrangements by myself... That's pretty common nightmare for me-- preparing for something that I know I'll never be able to handle... or it might have been that he hadn't died and we were still in the hospital dealing with all of that... ugh that one strikes a good bit of terror in my heart just typing it.

I don't think I'll be able to date/marry a police officer, firefighter or military man... I don't think I could handle the mortality rates very well. I guess we will see though.

I'm really missing him tonight for a really ridiculous reason.

I'm stuck in the video game. And Nathan and I had the perfect system. He would read or play on the computer or do whatever and I would play video games... and when I got stuck on a hard boss or something I couldn't figure out I'd call him and tell him I needed his help and he would come in, usually beat the boss on the first try, (maybe the second if he'd never played it before) and then I'd kiss him and tell him thank you and he'd return to whatever he was doing.... and he'd tell me to save more often cause I'm really bad at remembering to do that.

He never got mad at me for calling him in too often, he just felt very helpful, and I, in a strange way, felt like he was taking care of me.

Only he's not here to take care of me anymore.

It's not the boss. With enough practice I'll beat that evil lava rock thing. It's that all those things I used to love so much are gone. And they just keep being gone, no matter how hard I try to ignore them.

There is something keenly ironic in video game boss fights being one of my real life boss fights.

I thank you for your sentiments.

Rather pleased with my day.... Got work done, got my hair done, ate lunch with a friend, played like 5+ hours of Zelda....Hello Volcano!

Also painted my nail with a nail polish called, "fairy dust." Not quite what I was expecting but it's still pretty... as anything labeled fairy dust should be.

So I'm working on this whole horrible first impression thing and I think I've figured out what a good 80% of my problem is. I used to think it was that I'm terrible at small talk but I think I was wrong. Either that or I've gotten better at small talk. What I think my problem is, is that I don't smile in greeting super often.... and thinking upon it I'm not sure that many of my immediate family members do either... We verbally greet one another, and even hug, but neither my mom nor my dad are big smilers... and I think that means I'm not either. I don't know if Rhonda does this too or not because I suspect some of my innate shyness is coming into play here, too... aka I don't make a lot of eye contact unless I'm talking to a person one on one... and I really didn't when I was little, so I'm guessing I missed out on the whole smiling bit of socialization thing... interesting because this theory might also explain why I am so paranoid about people liking me and why I prefer communication with one person more than anything else.

So that's what I'm going to be working on... making eye contact with complete strangers and smiling.... ugh it sounds so scary but I think if I can train myself to do this my good first impression rate will go up. Plus, I think I might be accused of flirting a bit more often... by Kara if not by anyone else. But I respond well to self-training... (not anyone else's...I have a bit of a stubborn streak) So if I just try to stay aware of it, and constantly make myself do it, eventually it will become second nature.

I know, I can hear you.You are saying, "But Renee, I think you are perfect just as you are!"

And I thank you for your sentiments...  but who is it going to hurt to look people in the eye and add more smiles to the world?

I say, not a soul... and maybe it will help boost the other 20% of my problem. Self-confidence.

You know, the real stuff, not the fake kind I use to try and be funny.

Say Wha?

January:
The month when you leave work "for the week" still having a good hour of things on your plate that have to get done before the beginning of next week. Yeah, I'm going in tomorrow for a bit. Hopefully a short bit, not a long bit.

I hate cold weather. It makes me not want to shower, because of how cold it is when I get out of the shower... and my hair is all wet, and it's not nice and refreshing like it is in the summer.. no, it's a miserable clammy multistranded blanket that you can't escape from.... and that *never dries.*

And if you use a hair dryer on it then you are sentencing your hair to a lifetime of frizz...

Ok, perhaps not a lifetime.

I don't much like hairdryers. You know what I DO like?

I really like the flavor of grains.

Yes I know that sounds weird but for real. Oatmeal Ice Cream is my favorite. And I think that those sweet corn cake/tamale things you get at some Mexican restaurants are the bomb diggity. I also like barley in soup... at least I think that's barley... I don't actually make the soup, I just heat it up.

I overuse the word "just."

My hands are cold and I have a scar on the side of my right one and I don't remember doing anything to it... so weird.

It's like I was under sedation. I have been running short on time lately... Have the aliens gotten to me??

Ok, have to go take a shower now, talk to you later.

Lawsie, sometimes I can't even follow myself.

Pro/Con

Ought to write something. Yes, yes indeed, I ought.

I'm going to the Chicago area sometime next month... Not going to say when for security purposes... I've got family up that way that I'll be visiting. I'm looking forward to it... I don't often get to see them unless it's in a big group of family, so it should be fun.

Currently facing a dilemma: I'm going to move out of this apartment when my lease is up. I will need to move *in* somewhere. I can't decide if I should be thinking about renting a house or staying in an apartment. I *really* want a place where I can host more than 3 people without it feeling overly crowded. This would mean a pretty big upgrade in apartments. (I am very drawn to TLC Properties.) I also want to be in a better part of town. It was one thing when I was married, but now without Nathan and since Josh and Kara have moved "away" (it's 125 paces now, rather than 6. Kara counted.) I'm just not as comfortable.

So now I'm facing a dilemma, and when faced with a dilemma I am Rory Gilmore. So I start making a pro/con list.

So here is the pro lists:

House: Lots of space, no noisy neighbors, possibility of painting walls/ general character, same parking spot everyday, can keep relatively low rent, could have a lot of small perks I would love... like a gas stove.

Apt: Low utilities, free cable and internet, no groundkeeping, probably built within the last few years. Always people around even if I don't know them.

Con lists:

House: Very high utilities, plus cable and internet, possibility of yard work to maintain, less reliable landlords

Apt: Not as much space, much higher rent for a 2 bedroom, neighbors can be annoying, questionable quality of internet strength, pay for things I don't want/need like a pool or a gym.

Is it just me or does that list come out basically even to you?? I need a second opinion. Where is Luke or Lorelai??? Heck I'd settle for Emily, Richard, or Michele at this point. oooh or Sookie. Love me some Sookie.

Fear or Will

It might be overkill to get Starbucks two days in a row during lunch... but I went for a week without it. Not without coffee, mind you, but without the sweet nectar of white chocolate peppermint... it was rough.

I frequently shock people by telling them I grew up an hour away from the closest McDonalds and/or Wal-mart.

We won't even think about how far away the closest Starbucks is... Quincy I think... Quincy is in a different STATE. (and approx. 1.5 hours from home and 30 minutes from Hannibal.)

Ok, maybe we will think about it.... speaking of thinking...

I'm considering a tattoo again.. only slightly more seriously since it's coming up on a year and I'm about to be able to make "big" life decisions again.

I've been thinking a lot about several issues related to it. Tattoos were not condoned in the church I grew up in. In the Vineyard no one cares. I've looked into the Biblical references and I personally believe that it is morally acceptable.

They are also socially accepted in a way they never have been before- even here in the Bible belt. Granted they aren't quite so socially accepted in my immediate family. I'm pretty sure my grandmothers would freak out and I don't think either mom would like it much... (Though my mom said that since I'm adult she should probably let me make my own decisions :) ) I don't know that I'd get much of an opinion out of either dad.

The only other person who I am concerned about is (and you may think I'm crazy for this) but my future spouse. See, I don't know who that is... and I would hope that he wouldn't care-- especially because this is not a snap decision and it will mean/symbolize a lot to me... but if I come from a relatively conservative family, then chances are the man I marry is also going to come from a relatively conservative family... and probably be relatively conservative himself.  I'd hate to think I'd done something that he might find morally reprehensible... but then again would I *want* to marry someone who couldn't unbend enough to understand why I would want a tattoo?

What does it say about me that I'm trying to take into account the feelings of a person I don't know? Am I holding back from living because of fear or am I simply making a responsible decision? Not sure I know the answer to that one.

Interestingly enough, after writing this I watched the Green Lantern movie... and in that movie (and maybe the comic books?) the two opposing forces are not "good and evil" but "fear and will"... That feels a whole lot more like the struggles I face every day.

Thinking up the inconcievable

The cold weather is making me ravenous and sleepy...

Yes, that's right, I have more in common with a bear than a human right now.

My house was clean when I came home from vacation... but now it's messy because of all the things that just ended up in the middle of the floor because I came home and haven't had much time to regroup.

Currently desiring: regrouping time.

Not gonna get it for at least a few more days.

I'm afraid of January. It's never been that great a month with a lot of stressful work stuff... and last year it was so bad...

Tim spoke on Sunday about nothing being inconceivable to those in peaceful fellowship with God.

Before all of this, the things I couldn't conceive of were my husband getting cancer.... my life being turned upside down.... being a widow at 27.

Now I sometimes think I'm afraid to conceive of anything. Not that I blame God for any of this but... it's really really scary and really really hard sometimes to keep hope in the face of it all.

Attempting to trust in the inconceivable.

There is a song we sometimes sing at church... It's called "This is Our God."

It's one of my favorites because I really like what it has to say.

A refuge for the poor, A shelter from the storm

And He will wipe away your tears And return your wasted years

This is our God
A father to the orphan, A healer to the broken

And he brings peace to our madness And comfort in our sadness
This is our God
A fountain for the thirsty, A lover for the lonely
And He brings glory to the humble And crowns for the faithful
This is our God
And this is the one we have waited for

 It's good to remember that God does seven impossible things before breakfast everyday.

Getting out of the 5th grade

Yesterday as I was driving home I passed a bright blue car... a Sentra I think. It had at least three guys in it... possibly 4. I'm not sure how old they were but I'm going to say college age... in part because they turned off at Columbia and in part because it makes me feel good. (My 25 year old cousin told me this weekend that I look 23, so I'm holding on to that.... and never taking up smoking cause I hear that ages you.)

Anyway I passed this car o' guys because I was going (slightly) over the speed limit and they were going slightly under the speed limit. As I passed I glanced over and they all seemed relatively sedate. Then I got into the right lane in front of them and I saw a lot of animated conversation in my rear view window. I don't know if they liked my car, the driver just was looking for someone to pace, or the guy in the back seat suddenly declared his undying devotion for "that girl" and he made the driver stalk me, but I suddenly had driving buddies.

I was somewhere outside of Macon and for the next hour or so the boys followed me down the highway... never passing me but never dropping too far behind  (as normally happens when you pass someone on the highway.) At one point the speed limit randomly changed from 65 to 70, and I responded accordingly and got rather far ahead of them (as I'm guessing they missed the increase.) I thought that would be the end of it, but 5 minutes later they were back in my rear-view window. Whoever I passed, they passed, and if a car ever got between us it didn't last for long. I was enjoying it, mainly because I was making up stories about how one of the boys was madly in love with me.

Then we got to Columbia and they exited (though I choose to believe the reason why they had their turn signal on so much earlier than necessary was to let me know they were exiting, in case I wanted to join them.) After they were already on the exit ramp and couldn't see me, I waved.

And then I thought to myself.- Why did I wait so long to wave? What could it have possibly have hurt to wave before they exited? Or even somewhere during the hour that they tailed me?

What could they have thought if I waved? That I thought they were cute? That I was madly in love with one of them? Would they have made fun of me? Would they have passed me or dropped back?

What would it have mattered? Where is the harm in any of those situations? And yet, it's what I did.

I think it was the 5th grade when I sat next to a boy named Rich** He was a pretty cute kid and just as importantly he liked to talk to me and make me laugh. I wasn't in 5th-grade-love with him, but I did like him. Rich used to number my paper for math quizzes. This didn't seem strange or odd to me... I just thought he was a really nice/funny guy who was fast at numbering.

One day in the cafeteria I sat catty-corner from Dustin, Rich's best friend. Just as it was time to stand up and take our trays to the front, Dustin said to me, "Hey, Renee, you like Rich, don't you?"

I was completely stunned and 5th-grade-horrified. I did- but I could only see one reason for this boy to ask me that question-- to make fun of me if I said yes. How mortifying to let someone know that you liked them and for them to mock you for it! I stammered for a second and then said, "No!"

I caught up with the line, turned in my tray, and then as I passed Dustin in line, I asked, "Why?"

He said, "No reason" and waved me off. I believed I'd figured out the plan and went back to the classroom relieved to have dodged a mocking bullet.

(Yes, I know, my memory is *ridiculous.*)

Looking back it's easy to assume that Rich was in 5th-grade-love with me and had sent his best friend as the human version of "Will you be my girlfriend, check yes or no". I could be wrong, and Dustin could have actually been setting me up to make fun of me. I'll probably never know for sure because I can't imagine how this would come up in conversation with someone I haven't seen in 10 years. But sometimes I wonder if I would have changed the course of my jr. high and high school existence if I'd answered honestly.. if I hadn't been so afraid.

The problem is that a lot of times I'm still looking at the world through my 5th grade glasses. I'm so afraid of being made fun of that I don't take any risks. But when the other side of the coin is that I could make someone's day- What is the problem? That's what I thought driving down the highway, after leaving Columbia. What is so wrong about making someone think I'm interested in them? If I'm not or they aren't they will still probably feel good about it, and if I like them and they feel the same, then they might not be too intimidated to do something about it.

I went to the Aviary last night with friends. We were asked to call our waiter Tiger, by the host, though it wasn't his real name. Tiger was totally cute. I made myself maintain eye contact with him when he came to our table, instead of my usual look up briefly and then bury my glance in the menu. I think he found it disconcerting, but I doubt he was upset by it. One small step.

Then when it was time for the check he said, "How do you want me to split this? The two of you. The two of you... And you're all alo-... uh... right."

Oh God love ya, Tiger. Thank you for pointing out my single status on a holiday. I wanted to be reminded that I'm a widow on New Years. It's a good thing you are so dang cute. At least he tried to save it, right?

Still- if that's the worst that can happen? I think I'll be ok. If I can actually do it. Talk is a lot easier than action.

** All names have been altered to protect 5th grade sensibilities.

Hard

The New Year was hard.

So hard and rather unexpectedly so.

I hadn't been having much dread and I got through Christmas and Thanksgiving relatively unscathed, except for missing him...

But I was standing there with "Auld Lang Syne" playing and it suddenly just hurt so bad. And I started crying in a room full of people I didn't know (and a few I did.)

As sucky as 2011 was, it still contained the last time I spent with Nathan.

I'm sorry... There were a lot of other things I wanted to post about today, but I can't.... it's way too hard.