Christmas Mobius

Why you crying, there, pretty girl?

Cause I'm alone and lonely and afraid it will always be this way.

I cry because it hurts.

I love the holidays... that's why this is so hard.

In a lot of ways Christmas is worse for me than Valentine's Day. Some people don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Some people hate Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is easily avoided and often people celebrate it on days other than *the* day. Plus... I've just never loved Valentine's Day... it doesn't matter that much to me. It's harder to get upset over something you just don't care about.

That isn't true of Christmas... I *love* Christmas. And Christmas is for celebrating with the ones you love. It's all about family. And there isn't a time in the world that makes me feel more left out and alone, because I had my own little family, and it's missing now... and I still mourn for the family I haven't gotten to have. Right now I should be wrapping presents for my children and posting Christmas photos on fb, but I fear I will never get that chance.

It's not that I don't have family-- far from it, I've been blessed with an abundance of family-- every one of which I love very dearly.

But no one else has quite the same family as me and that's just hard, cause someone is supposed to.

My sadness is just so complicated. It's a mobius ribbon... it all seems to makes sense and but it loops around itself, and if you cut it in half you just get a longer ribbon.

In one respect it's entirely about Nathan and on the other side it has nothing to do with Nathan- It's about not having someone to share the wonderful mayhem and havoc of the holidays with... but that leads back around to Nathan which leads me on a merry chase right back to where I started.

Alone and lonely and afraid it will always be this way.

And probably more honest than you really want to read on Christmas Eve.

Wintry

Well, I may or may not be going home tomorrow. It's in the plan, but it sorta depends on if I can leave my parent's house. This was what it looked like from the second floor this afternoon.

The road that I take to get back to Springfield (for the first 45 minutes or so) was "closed" today. It's not so much the snow (or so I'm told), it's the drifts.

In other news, I made a baby car-seat quilt in about 2 days. I'm pretty impressed with myself. Technically I still have to bind it, but I forgot to buy binding at Hobby Lobby last time when I was there, so I have to wait till I return home. It's not the most beautiful quilting job ever... I don't have a quilting sewing machine and I don't have much experience with quilting, but I think it will be serviceable for it's purpose. Luckily, Annika is young enough that she won't notice.

Anyway, it means that I finished everything that I was going to do while at home and I managed to do it with many hours to spare, and we made nut rolls which I wasn't planning on doing. And I feel very relaxed. It's good.

Oh and by the way, Kara is coming back to Missouri and I get to see her over the New Year!! It's a very very good winter break.

Gilbert, Matthew, and Mocha

This morning I went into town and baked nut rolls with my mom and Pappy. Well, Pappy was more there for moral support... The nut rolls were *for* him, but he couldn't (and shouldn't) do too much. He's still hurting, "everyday."

It breaks my heart. I love him so much and I hate that he's in so much pain all the time. He's just like Nathan-- fiercely independent, even when he's hurting... but I recognize the sudden sharp intake of breath whenever he moves... And I want to be there, but at the same time it's so hard for me to see how similar things are with them. I'm just so torn.

I have a great wish in me-- that since I've lived through Nathan's death that my life's sorrows would be over. Surely that is enough for one person to endure? But I know that's ridiculous. There are still many and sundry pains and sadnessess waiting for me at unknown junctures down the road. My heart still has a lot of breaking to do-- if I'm lucky... because having a broken heart means that you have loved someone enough for it to matter.

When we got home I did a lot of sewing. I'm making two big projects for my nieces for Christmas- an apron and a car seat quilt (You tie it on the handle so it won't slip off.) I finished the apron today and I got a good bit into the quilt, and I watched cable for a while, but then I watched Anne of Green Gables, because I've had a hankering ever since I wrote my paper in my "Form and Theory of Prose" class.

It's such a good movie-- in part because it's my nostalgia at it's finest, in part because I identify so closely with Anne and Diana, and in part because it's just a good story.

I tell you what. You can keep your Mr. Darcys and your Prince Charmings. Find me a man who is a mixture of Matthew Cuthbert and Gilbert Blythe and I'll love him forever and ever. (And I'll admit I also "wouldn't holler if he were as handsome as anything!" to mix my movie metaphors.) But seriously, there is a sweetness-- a tenderness-- that Matthew, Gilbert, have that I'm searching for.

It didn't used to, but these days the movie always makes me cry.

I cry about Matthew, which I wrote about in a different blog. And I cry because I somehow convinced Nathan to watch the movie once, and after suffering through for a while he actually really liked it and every once in a while when Anne does something especially ridiculous it brings back his laugh to me. I can't recall his chuckle on cue, anymore... we are far enough away that it's hard to hear his voice sometimes, and having something that brings it back for a moment... Well, it feels good and hurts all at the same time.

There was once a time when I loved hot cocoa, but now that I drink coffee, cocoa always seems like it's missing something for me... the chocolate isn't as good if it doesn't have that coffee bitterness mixed in...

My life is sorta like a mocha.

Christmas Songs

I have a lot of favorite Christmas songs. Two of my favorites are from movies.

Interestingly enough, one is a Christmas song in a non-Christmas movie and the other is a non-Christmas song from a Christmas movie.

(The first is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" from Meet Me in St Louis.)

But the second is from White Christmas- "Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)"

After the terrible shooting in Connecticut, the song seems even more fitting for this season.

If something awful were to happen tomorrow, there is not much we could do to stop it. Which is why I think it is so important to be grateful for what we have... and count our (many) blessings.

Plus Bing Crosby... his voice... it's butta.

2nd Christmas

I've noticed I'm much more prone to tears this holiday season.

Now some might blame that on how little sleep I'm getting of late.

Not gonna lie- that's possible. I left work early today because my head hurt so bad I couldn't think and I slept from 2:00 ish until 6:30 without any hesitation.

But I think what it really is, is that this year my heart is more vulnerable. Last year I was so guarded about it being the "first" Christmas... and I was so aware of the upcoming 1 year mark. So I just didn't let myself think about it or feel it. And I've always loved Christmas... but I just kept it shut down, cause I couldn't handle it.

I can handle it this year... but it still makes me sad. Christmas is not the same without your person. Have you listened to Christmas music lately? It's all about being with the ones you love (most especially the *one* you love) or missing the one you love. (...or Jesus. There's a goodly amount of Christmas music about Jesus, too. :) )

But Christmas just isn't as much fun without your person.

All the driving... no good without someone to share it with-- or to just drive for me, who am I kidding?

There is a lot less sneaking around-- which is also less fun.

I don't decorate because it makes me so sad. Nathan hated decorating a tree when we got married and slowly but surely I was convincing him that 1) decorating a tree doesn't take any talent. and 2) it is fun... But it's not fun when you are doing it alone. At least not for this extrovert. Plus you know what I don't want to see? The beautiful "our first Christmas" ornament that's hiding somewhere in my boxes of Christmas decorations.

And taking it down would be even worse, because even that has memories attached. One year I took our tree down on Valentine's Day as a gift to Nathan. He was so exasperated. :)

So maybe next year I'll be able to decorate. I'm not sure.

Last year I was just trying to survive. This year I'm *trying* to enjoy. But it's not easy, because there is nothing like the holidays to make you feel even lonelier than you normally do.

Glow, stick, glow!

So here I am.

Had a good day.

Not a great one... not sure that a great day was possible today.

But I love America.

And I did have my Aunt Celeste's 4th of July salad... and while perhaps no one else loved it as much as me... I loved it enough for all.

There are leftovers and I'm happy about that, because I don't worry about over-eating on it. The salad consists of tomatos, onions, green peppers, feta cheese and just a bit of italian dressing. It's just lovely.

Maybe I'll have it for lunch tomorrow... or for dinner... or both. Who knows.

I'm writing this blog in the dark because I finally had an excuse to use my glow sticks tonight because people were outside. So I made myself a bracelet and a circlet--- though I've decided to call the latter a diadem, now.

And I'm still wearing them as I type this, because I love glow sticks...

And the only good way to appreciate a glow stick is in the dark.

I feel like there should be a good metaphor for life hidden somewhere in the depths of the glow stick... but I'm not sure there is... it may just be a pretty light made by mixing two chemicals.

Céad Mile Fáilte

Moooving.

I'm tired.. and today was just boxes.. really only like three trips of boxes, too.

And Kara and Katie came over to say goodbye to old apartment, tonight... but then I didn't do the packing that I meant to because I was hanging out... so my kitchen looks like a tornado hit it... and things are just not as they should be for this moving.

I'm really really glad I have a weekend  between now and when I need to be out so that I can come back and get all the little stuff that I'm not going to move tomorrow because my place isn't ready.

I'm also glad that Bill and Paula love me and will forgive me that I'm not as prepared as I wanted to be

By the by, I want to ask people on facebook to come help out "Old Widow Dunn" because I think it's kinda funny and sounds like a frontier thing to say... do you think people can handle it? I think I might do it anyway. I think it's funny!

Jonny came and helped The Widda Dunn tonight... It was really great... I kinda forgot what it was like to have someone else do something at the same time as you, therefore meaning that you do it in half the time.

Dang, partnership is nice.

Also I have St. Patrick's Day nails that I'm almost sure I'm going to break at least one of by the time this move is over.

I love that I am always wearing green because my eyes are green, but green plaid nails are kinda awesome too. 

And to close I leave with that traditional Irish blessing... I know it's kinda cliche and hackneyed now, but I still quite like it.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

"And in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight."

V is for Victory!

I feel like a widow should have a lot to say about Valentine's Day, but I don't know that I do. I had a really happy day. I liked seeing all the flowers on facebook, I got a lot done at work, I wore pink and knew what day it was, but it's the happiest Valentine's Day as a single gal I think I've ever had, honestly.

I do like a day that celebrates love. Yes, this particular day is over-commercialized (Rhonda, I say that for you.) But the idea of this day is not a bad one... hey, lets everyone in the world celebrate love.

I had a great night. Natalie invited me and Kara over to her house (her husband was working late) and we hung out and talked... and talked... and talked. It was great. Everyone told their proposal story, cause we're girls and that's how we roll.  But, my, we talked about so much else.

But it was just really great... and I didn't feel sad that I don't have a specific Valentine... I mean yes, of course I would like to have someone to hold hands with and be overly mushy with and swoon over... but I'm feeling pretty content with where I am... I mean I don't seem to have enough time to take out my trash as it is, so maybe this is just my time in life to be busy and God will bring someone along when He doesn't have so much for me to do.... Or maybe this is just what it is... either way, it's ok... I've got plenty going on, and I'm good with that.

Is this what it's like to be a grown up on Valentine's Day?

Something humorous I noticed about myself tonight?

I've heard people say that the way to get a parent to like you is to compliment their child.... and I know that the same holds true of family in general. Well, I don't have children, and my family lives far away... but I tell you what, if a person seems to like my best friend, I instantly like them more. And if I can see that you think she's as hilarious and smart and slightly insane (in a good way) as I do.... Well, then I know we've got something in common.

Hard

The New Year was hard.

So hard and rather unexpectedly so.

I hadn't been having much dread and I got through Christmas and Thanksgiving relatively unscathed, except for missing him...

But I was standing there with "Auld Lang Syne" playing and it suddenly just hurt so bad. And I started crying in a room full of people I didn't know (and a few I did.)

As sucky as 2011 was, it still contained the last time I spent with Nathan.

I'm sorry... There were a lot of other things I wanted to post about today, but I can't.... it's way too hard.

The last day of Christmas...

I write this to you from a couch in my uncle's basement- next to my cousins watching A Goofy Movie and singing "After Today" ... which we know all the words to cause thats just the kind of nerds... I mean ... awesome people that we are.

I asked if they wanted to say hello to you and they said no, maybe next time. Sorry. They are exclusive, apparently.

... (many hours later)

Ok, confession, I had to stop typing cause I got distracted by the movie and the cousins.

Gonna have to make this a super short blog post tonight cause it's already 3:30, and there is much driving and doing that has to be accomplished tomorrow... But yesterday was a pretty long post, so hopefully you will forgive me.

So I'll say goodnight.

But I wanted to make sure you know... I really love my family. Every single last one of them... and that's a lot of people!

A conundrum wrapped in a mystery and covered in cuteness

I knew what was on my list... why didn't I bring my Wii with me?

Oh yeah... because I didn't want to mess with unplugging and unhooking and then hooking everything back up again.

But now I have 3 video games and no Wii to play them on.

However, I also have a sweet new laptop bag (my other one was falling apart and had some hard memories associated with it), Season 2 of Glee, the last HP movie, and sundry other things.

I also have this fantastic picture of Jeriah

Yeah, that kiddo is a HAM. A 3 year old firefighting ham.

I'm glad I'm going to be able to know him when he's in HS and college... he's gonna be fun.

Tomorrow I'm sleeping in for the first time in a while. It's kinda bad when it takes you until 6 days into your vacation to get to sleep in.

I'm also going to be by myself for at least part of the day and I'm hoping that with that I'll find some time to write... I keep putting it off because I'm coming to a part that's going to be harder to write, but the only way to get through it is to just dive right in, right?

riiight.

Maybe my new Zelda music will inspire me. Yep, I can't play Skyward Sword but at least I can listen to Zeldian soundtracks....

There is probably a nerd recovery program somewhere out there that's calling my name. I refuse to hear  it though. I'm too much fun as I am... A conundrum wrapped in a mystery and covered in cuteness.

Face-smushing

It's been a slow Christmas Day... Doesn't really feel much like Christmas actually. Went to church this morning and but didn't actually open up any presents today. Tomorrow is the beginning of Christmas for me... Really it's more a week of Christmas than a today of Christmas. Tomorrow is the main present day but I'll be seeing family all week. I'm excited for it. Rhonda has laid out a whole mess of menu ideas... most of the breakfasts derived from Pinterest.

How much fun is this? It's a gun that sucks up flys.... So you can go hunting for flies... but it doesn't kill them so you can take them outside and release them. OR, if you are insane you can let them go in your house and hunt them again.

And irobot makes a robot called Scooba that will mop your floors....

When I have my own house I think that will go onto my Christmas list asap... I hate mopping... a robot would make it a lot easier.

Can you tell that my mom is watching a show called "Cool Tools" in the same room as me? I can.

There are some movies that shouldn't be remade. "Yours, Mine, and Ours" is one of them. The old Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda movie is sooo good...

"Daddy, Daddy, sister's locked in a bathroom."
"Which one?"
"I don't know her name yet, but she's locked in and it's my turn!"

I just don't think that the Dennis Quaid movie can do it any sort of justice.

I do love me some classic movies. I love when they talk to each other with their cheeks pressed together  and when the big moment is one of those face-smushing kisses....

Face-smushing is the height of old timey romance.

Candlelit

So there is a completed bypass at Lake of the Ozarks. It's amazing. Between that and the completed bypass of Kirksville, my trip home now only takes 5 hours rather than the 6 that it used to take me to get home. I arrived in Jeff City in two hours and freaked out. What?! It's only 1 o'clock!?!

A-mazing.

I'm really glad that the Prius is so comfortable to drive for long trips.

Missing Nathan.... trying not to think about it, but... it's hard. He's supposed to be here. Holding my hand during the Christmas Eve service and raising his eyebrows and smiling at me when I look at him. With lots of overly enthusiastic excitement about the holidays (only some of it faked.)

When we started dating the first time, it happened at my house over Christmas break. We'd been hemming and hawing around- not actually committing to a relationship but understanding that we liked each other as more than just friends... and then I came home for the Christmas season, and he went to his house, but went back after Christmas to work the front desk. And I was still here... and we were talking on IM one night and he said he missed me and I said, "Well, come visit me!" And he did. He and two of our other friends just up and decided to visit me and arrived the next day. It was so spontaneous and fun... that night after watching a movie upstairs I went  downstairs to grab some snacks and he came downstairs to "help." (Aka watch me make him a sandwich.) And there in my kitchen we talked and decided to make Renathan official.

He always was kinda into grand gestures.

Couldn't just wait the four days for me to get back to Springfield.

Of course a month later he broke up with me... but obviously that didn't take for long. :)

I thought I'd gone to my last Christmas Eve service alone.

Candles have a strange way of making everyone extra pretty... and me extra lonely and the grief extra hard.

Christmas

Worst part of the Christmas season thus far:

Signing just my name on a gift.

I've only done it once and I'm not doing it again.

I read somewhere that grief starts out as a flood and slowly becomes a stream that overflows it's banks every so often.

It's true.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Let your heart be light
Next year all our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Make the yuletide gay
Next year all our troubles will be miles away

Once again as in olden days
Happy golden days of yore
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us once more

Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Cleaning and doing without

I cleaned my entire apartment today. Yay! Laundry is put away,  dishes are done, floors are vacuumed/swept... (I still don't know how to spell vacuumed, because we called it a sweeper when I was growing up.) Tables are wiped down, trash is taken out, bed is even made. Now to just keep it this way until I come home from Christmas...

I always think I should clean my house before I go on vacation so that when I come home it's really nice and feels really relaxing... but I put off packing till the last minute and don't clean and come home to a mess.

Maybe this year things will be different.


Probably not.

How does one not sleep in their bed so as to preserve the "made-ness"  What? Just remake it every morning? You think I have that kinda time just laying around or something!?!

I found Nathan and my pre-marital counseling books today (we each had one to write in). I read through his, and rather enjoyed it. One of the lists was a "who do you think will take care of this chore" thing... and of course he couldn't just say, "me" or "her" because he had to keep contingency plans open, so nearly everything was "both (mainly me)" or "both but Renee is more skilled at this." except for bed-making and the person he wrote down for that chore was, "neither :)"

He was so right. The only time we made our bed was when we put new sheets on it... or when he was so frustrated with the giant knot that I had made the covers because I can somehow manage to twist blankets sideways in my sleep.. and even then it was less "making" and more "straightening."

He also had made brackets in sections of the books commenting that he disagreed with how they worded it and he wouldn't say it like that. Yes, he was arguing with a book... a pre-marital counseling book at that. I laughed.... That's just so classic Nathan, marking up the parts that he doesn't agree with.

Anyway I found the books while cleaning... Whole lot of religious studies books are headed to Good Will or the Salvation Army... I have no need of them and no desire to hold on to them... I have so much that was his, taking up space it no longer needs to take up. When I move out of here it's gonna be crazy.

But that's what has to happen... If the situations were reversed I wouldn't want him hanging on to my crafting supplies or all my knick-nacks.

I was thinking the other day, "How in the world did all of Nathan *and* my clothes fit in this closet?" I seriously don't know. I've taken over his dresser and I still have my dresser and the closet is completely full... just of my clothes... How did we manage when we had all of his clothes (a Rubbermaid tote and 2  huge boxes, I think) PLUS my clothes.

Next time I get married we are gonna have to have a ginormous closet.

I was thinking about it today... and you know how engaged couples are with each other all the time? That's why we get married... cause no one thinks it's odd if you are with your spouse all the time... That's what I miss. Someone who wants to spend all his time with me. Someone who's decided I'm the one person he can't do without.

I want to be not done without.

Being a grownup with candy cane nails

I have definitely slept a lot more this weekend than I normally would have. I guess that's a good thing.

I talked to someone who was a dental hygienist for a while and she said that having straight roots, and being the upper wisdom teeth made a difference on my wisdom teeth removal. And it went really well, and I was lucky.

I'm not disagreeing.

I finally changed the lightbulbs that burnt out in my apartment... it only took like 2 weeks? a month?

Still, I'm like an adult. Genuine grown up, here.

Living on her own, making it.

Changing the light bulbs.

Painting her nails like a candy cane.

Proof I'm a grown up

What? You don't count that as a grown-up thing to do?  Well, riddle me this, Scrooge.

What kid has time/talent enough to paint their nails like a candy cane??

Yeah, that's what I thought. How bout you eat a big slice of humble pie, Ghost-of-Christmas-Present?

Yo diggity.

Seriously? Did I really just say that?

You are so weird, Renée.

But you have fun nails.

Even the German judge thinks so.

Even if you do talk to yourself in the third person... and may or may not make up German judges.

Thankful

Someone told me that they think I'm incredible this week. That I've handled this whole grieving process amazingly well. It made me feel so good. Someone else recently told me that I don't seem like the kind of person who has experienced so much loss in their life. Neither of these people knew Nathan. Neither of these people had even met me 3 months ago. And I take it as such a compliment that they think these things about me... but you know what? It wasn't me, and I'm not sure that I have or that I can make a big enough deal about who it was.

It sounds really hokey and cliche but I have to thank God for it, honestly.

After Nathan was diagnosed I was so upset... and after the first 48 hours I left the hospital just to go and get several hours of uninterrupted sleep at his aunt's ... and I prayed then that God would fix it. I remember laying on the bed staring at the wall and just praying that He would heal Nathan, and not make us have to go through all of this... And in the time I was praying, I never got any sort of reassurance that Nathan would be healed... But what I did get was an incredible sense of peace and reassurance that God was there. And that He would be with us through whatever was coming. I think I even came back to the hospital room and told that to Nathan, privately. God is with us.

And God has been.

He provided us... and then me... with the family and the friends and the job and the strength and even the insurance that was exactly what we/I needed when we needed it. And that's not to say that I haven't wanted more than what was given... but it's always been enough... I got to have 2 more Thanksgivings with Nathan after his diagnosis, and this Thanksgiving I spent with his family... all of us missing that fabulous grin of his.

But I'm thankful, still.

Thankful for a God who sent his son to die so that my wonderful husband could go to heaven and walk in a new body that will never turn against him and never cause him pain.

And I'm so thankful for my God, who provided me with what and who I've needed to get through every day of my life.. but most especially since September of 2009.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23

Don't pat me on the head

I collect the strangest of pictures and bits of information for writing my book. For instance, the other day in class I told them that I googled "blonde 9-year-old boy," and someone in class said that I was probably on a list somewhere, now.

It's true.

I've also searched for "history professor" "soccer mom" and "house floor plans"... - I had a partial house layout in my head and finding one that matched was easier than attempting to draw one... I'm not exactly an architect... Now I just need to flipping write instead of research. It helps me to have pictures of my characters, and it helps me to know these things, but it's so much incidental research... and I haven't even gotten into the fantasy world, yet. Oy vey.

Michael Buble's Christmas album is just sitting there, tempting me.

I'm pondering not putting up my tree this year... It's not even that Nathan helped me *that* much with it... he actually always kinda fought against helping because for some reason he thought he couldn't do a good job.... But that's the thing... I have really strong associations of decorating with him and I feel like putting up a Christmas tree is a family thing... and I'm missing my family this year.. I mean not all of my family.. but my own little personal family. The one who I'd made traditions with.

So maybe this is the year to break traditions... maybe this is the year to find out who I am when I'm single on the holidays... *sigh*

confession?

I don't want to learn who I am when I'm single on the holidays. But it looks like I don't have a choice, so I'd "better start getting excited."

It's really amazing how much I chafe at being patronized/ told what I think. That's something from my college days that I remembered tonight. Every once in a while in college someone would pat me on the head. And it would *tick* me off... I don't like to be patted on the head. I hate it, in fact. I want to be respected for who I am and I can't stand it when someone acts like they are older/wiser/better than me. I want people to think I'm adorable... but I don't want them to think I'm adorable because I don't know any better. My adorableness is a choice, darn it!

Yeah, I know, it's a fine line.

Also if someone tells me how I'm going to react to something I suddenly bristle. *Especially* if they don't recant when I object. There are about 2 people on this planet that can tell me that I shouldn't do something that I've decided to do. Rhonda and Kara.... and I still wouldn't like it... but I think I'd at least listen and go away and think about it... but if you aren't one of those people... well most likely I'm going to do what you said I shouldn't do and gosh darn it, even if you would have been right I'll make it so you were wrong.... and I'm smart enough to tell when someone is just using this irritation to manipulate me so then I'll just get really mad.

It's strange... I'm normally so easy going but there are these special circumstances with these rules that I couldn't even articulate but are very determined in my mind and if you cross one of these lines I get mad.

I'm such a girl, sometimes.