Relationship Status

Today marks a big day: The day I changed my relationship status.

I've been thinking about it for a few weeks now.

Gone back and forth more times than I can count, consulted with several friends about it-- but today I took the plunge and changed my status from "widowed" to "single."

The thing is that I will always be a widow. For the rest of my life. But it's not my relationship status, anymore.

I will always be extra sensitive to cancer when I see it- in real life or just portrayed on television.

I will always miss Nathan.

I think Kara put it really well in an e-mail exchange we had about it- (I mentioned how terrible it would be if I started dating someone, changed my relationship status, and then we broke up):

"Change it to single.  That WOULD be horrible, "broke up with John Doe, back to being a widow...?" No.  You are a single window.  There are also categories of dating widow and married widow.  Your relationship with Nathan is a different category than all future relationships.  It's not Nathan or new guy.  It's always Nathan - you will always have been married to him, but that doesn't preclude other relationships.  Mark Zuckerburg needs to figure this shit out.  He should pay you to be his consultant on these matters."

Widow is not all that I am, and in relationship it is not all that I want.

"Single" means "available." It means "up for possibilities." It means "keeping my eyes open."

"Widowed" means "back the heck off-- I'm dealing here."

And while I think I'll always be dealing-- as anyone with pain and sorrow in their past does-- I don't want people to back off. I want people to come in.

I don't want to shove people away.

I want to hug them.

I want to bake them cookies and hear their life stories.