Blighted

Today a friend of mine (whom I met via the hospital) had her last IV chemotherapy. After 32 months she is finally finished.

I read about it on facebook.

Immediately after that was a status about it being someone's last day of work before they got married.

One time during the treatment process they told Nathan that they would be removing his port. We were really excited and it was all scheduled and then they took him back there and decided they couldn't do it (because of platelets or something.)

He was so upset.

We left the little office area and he got to the hall and he just slumped down the wall, tears rolling down his face. So disappointed, so upset, so devastated, because this symbol of his cancer remained in him. He'd set his hopes so hard on this one thing, and when it was taken away from him... It was the only time I ever saw him crack in public.

There are so many babies at my church. Everywhere you turn on a Sunday morning there is a baby... And that's just the people who have stayed... there are at least two other babies who have moved away.

And Nathan's cousins just had their third,

And one of the Pixelscopic guys is going to have a son within the next two weeks or so,

And Rhonda is due in November...

And I sorta feel like Nathan... slumped against a wall in the hospital because I can't hold it together any more...sitting in some random hallway with tears running down my face.

And it's not that I don't want people to complete their leukemia treatments.

And it's not that I want people to stop getting married.

And it's certainly not that I don't want people to have babies. I love babies.

I just... want to be able to join in. It makes me sad that Nathan never got to say he was done with leukemia treatments. And it makes me sad that I'm not married anymore and it makes me sad that I can't get pregnant (at least not in accordance with my morals.) But it's more than sad... I'm disappointed. I'm upset. I'm devastated.

My life isn't bad... it really isn't... but my hopes were set so hard on having a family. And all this other stuff... it's a really fun, interesting, great distraction. But in the back of my mind there is always this discomfort. I think I've managed to coat it enough to make it a pearl, but it's not like it goes away. My life has been blighted by Nathan's cancer and I don't know if it's ever going to grow properly again, no matter how much I long for it.