Maybe maybe maybe

Seriously considering at this point just staying up and not sleeping at all. Maybe that will help me to reset back to a normal setting? Probably doubtful, eh?

I feel strange. Maybe it's that I've not slept enough... Maybe it's because I went back and read some old blogs of mine tonight. Maybe it's just that I've spent too much time alone today. Maybe it's that the mess that my apartment is in is affecting my brain. Maybe it's my new sheets. Maybe it's that we are now 2 days away from my birthday.

Something about my birthday feels really big and important this year. I'm not sure what it is, but maybe it's why I'm making it a big deal... Maybe I'm making it a big deal cause I don't have Nathan to make it a big deal to so I have to make a public big deal. Maybe something actually will change. Maybe something in me will change... maybe something in the world will change.

I don't want to let go.

I'm pondering life changes tonight... What causes them to happen.. Some, yes, are just outside the realm of human control... but there are a lot more life changes that we do have control over... and some of them are just in our own head. We just have to find the strength/determination/hutspah to decide and then, do.

Yeah it's 6AM. I'm not going to bed tonight.

I'm restless. I want to listen to New Age piano solos and be in a movie montage. No, you didn't read that last sentence wrong. That's how I feel. I want to be in a movie montage. All the good stuff and skip over all the boring parts. Not forever, just to show that time has passed and things have happened. I feel like my base emotion is wistful. I hate that. What kinda mamby-pamby emotion is wistful to always be? And yet that's what I feel like I default to. It could be worse though. That is for sure and for certain.

Pianos are beautiful... I know that the cool hip thing to play is guitar... but am I the only one who finds piano-ing far more attractive in a man than guitar-ing? Of course I don't like any of the loud pounding stuff, I like my New Age Piano Solos from Pandora... you know, the pianos that sound wistful.

I'm ready. I'm ready for something to happen. I'm ready to get swept away. I'm ready to celebrate. I'm ready to laugh all night. I'm ready to come into something special. Maybe I should find a Glee club to join, cause you know, being a part of something special makes you special.

Luckily, I have a birthday and then 3 days later I have a wedding.  So the celebrating will be had in plenty. And I think that's a good thing. Celebrating is a very good thing.

Why does it feel like a snow day? Maybe it's because I'm doing something I know I shouldn't? maybe it's because of the way the early morning light is coming through the window? Maybe it's the feeling of anticipation and crackle that is hovering in the air.

Maybe it's just because I want to buy tights.

New Age piano solos might give me a trumped up idea of my own self importance. Things just feel a lot more epic with this as the background.