Dunno if you knew this, but yesterday was 6 months. And it was a hard day... and a long day... but it wasn't as sad of a day as I thought it would be. I don't know if it was my foresight in planning a baby shower to take place on this day so that I would stay busy, or if it was my Dawson's Creek mini-marathon or just the good Lord getting me through, but I got through it. I got through it.
And then tonight I did something that my friends have been warning me is a really bad idea... I watched our wedding video. And I was scared going into it... and there definitely were some tears... but there was a lot of laughter, too... and a lot of smiling... Nathan and I never got around to watching the video. We meant to watch it on our first anniversary and for some reason or another never did, so this was the first time I'd seen it... and honestly? It felt good. It felt so good to see him. He prayed before we ate at our rehearsal dinner, and so I got to see a Nathan moment I'd never seen before (since I bowed my head, then.) And when he prayed he was so classically Nathan... talking with his hands- almost throwing them out in front of himself, praying in all sincerity with his own quirky syntax, and just being Nathan. And I got to see him look at me the way he always looked at me... only from the perspective of everyone else... and hear his laugh. And while I wish I could have watched this video with him... I'm kinda glad that I got to have a few last special Nathan moments... with the Nathan that was hearty and hale. I just wish those vows had been for as long as we thought they would be then.
Melissa mentioned to me today that she and Bill were talking about the type of relationship they both wanted- the one where the other person is your best friend... and that not every marriage has that... but that Bill said that Nathan and I had that- that we thought the world of each other. And it's true. He was my best friend, and I still miss him like crazy, all the time. But I think I've begun to heal... I'm beginning to be able to focus on all the good and happy memories I have rather than being swamped over by the pain of not having him here anymore. I can watch my wedding video and laugh as often as I cry.
Dunno if you knew this, guys, but I'm gonna get through this. And while the girl who comes out of this isn't gonna look that much like the girl who went in on the other side, it's still gonna be me... Just a lot stronger than she ever knew she could be, and a lot more independent than she ever was before, and with a far greater appreciation for the small simple things in life like family and love and friendship.
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