Autumn and death

So Autumn is here... It's cold and blustery out tonight... and my thoughts are not taking me to a happy place.

Tuesday I was walking to class and went around the side of a building (not on campus) and there laying in the grass was a cat... which I assume was dead, as it didn't move. I don't technically know because as soon as I saw it and my brain processed it I threw my hand up to keep from seeing it. It really disturbed me.

The other night I went to a costume party and someone was zombie Steve Jobs... dressed up exactly like Steve but with zombie makeup, too. I just cringed... too soon.

There is a play written by a person in my class where someone is joking around about tumors and people having brain tumors. And it's just not funny. Maybe to the entire rest of the world, but... not to me.

I mean I know that we joke about death and heck, I'm the queen of the widow-joke and dark humor... and I know we make light of it because it's scary.. because we are scared of it. But everytime I hear about someone being sick my mind automatically goes to the worst place... especially the sick that doesn't go away within 24 hours. Internally I start freaking out. Cause I can't un-know. I still don't understand what makes your body suddenly start to get sick. One moment you are fine and the next you are deathly ill. How does that happen? A broken arm I get. The flu I understand... something that is germ or pathogen related, yes. But a normal- very healthy body that just up and decides to stop functioning? And there is nothing you can do to prevent it and nothing you can do to stop it. You want to talk about a real horror film? Go to the oncology floor. Because if you are there... if you really *get* exactly how close any of us is at any moment from our bodies suddenly and inexplicably turning against us... that's real fear.

I hate death. I hated that Steve Jobs costume... I hated it. Because Nathan is dead, too and it isn't funny.  Steve Jobs had cancer. Nathan had cancer. Steve had a wife and a family, and someone who is missing him dreadfully right now. So did Nathan... so does Nathan. And less than a month later...

It's so easy to be callous.

I know the guy who was dressed up like Steve. He's a great guy, actually. And probably in a couple of years I won't be so sensitive and I will be able to appreciate the humor... but I don't think it's funny, yet. It just hurts and I want to gasp, throw up my hands, cover my eyes, and walk as fast as I can through the wet leaves.