Thankful

Someone told me that they think I'm incredible this week. That I've handled this whole grieving process amazingly well. It made me feel so good. Someone else recently told me that I don't seem like the kind of person who has experienced so much loss in their life. Neither of these people knew Nathan. Neither of these people had even met me 3 months ago. And I take it as such a compliment that they think these things about me... but you know what? It wasn't me, and I'm not sure that I have or that I can make a big enough deal about who it was.

It sounds really hokey and cliche but I have to thank God for it, honestly.

After Nathan was diagnosed I was so upset... and after the first 48 hours I left the hospital just to go and get several hours of uninterrupted sleep at his aunt's ... and I prayed then that God would fix it. I remember laying on the bed staring at the wall and just praying that He would heal Nathan, and not make us have to go through all of this... And in the time I was praying, I never got any sort of reassurance that Nathan would be healed... But what I did get was an incredible sense of peace and reassurance that God was there. And that He would be with us through whatever was coming. I think I even came back to the hospital room and told that to Nathan, privately. God is with us.

And God has been.

He provided us... and then me... with the family and the friends and the job and the strength and even the insurance that was exactly what we/I needed when we needed it. And that's not to say that I haven't wanted more than what was given... but it's always been enough... I got to have 2 more Thanksgivings with Nathan after his diagnosis, and this Thanksgiving I spent with his family... all of us missing that fabulous grin of his.

But I'm thankful, still.

Thankful for a God who sent his son to die so that my wonderful husband could go to heaven and walk in a new body that will never turn against him and never cause him pain.

And I'm so thankful for my God, who provided me with what and who I've needed to get through every day of my life.. but most especially since September of 2009.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside quiet waters.
He restores my soul;
He guides me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and loving kindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Psalm 23