Premeditation

I’ve been pondering myself. In part because moving makes me introspective, in part because I’m feeling lonely, and in part because when you don’t have the internet you find yourself with a lot of excess time on your hands… at least I do. And I realized… (and some might laugh to hear this, because I obviously know so little about myself and how I work, but)-- I don’t premeditate. Kara used to tell me in college about how she would have entire imaginary conversations where she would guess what the other person would say and then respond to that. Then she would find that person, have that talk, and it would go exactly as she’d played it out in her head. I can’t do that. Every once in a while I can tell you what the next line of dialogue is in a TV show or movie, but only when given the line right before. If I tried to predict an entire conversation I would go so far off into left field I’d start playing soccer.

But it’s more than just not being able to tell how other people will respond to me… I normally don’t know how I will respond to something. I just react and then figure it out later.

It means I’m a pretty good listener because I’m really paying attention to what the person is saying, though I think it’s part of why I make bad first impressions… because it never even occurs to me to resort to the tactics I’ve learned to make people feel comfortable. I never have a plan.

Which is great if you want someone who is laidback and willing to change plans at the drop of a hat. Less awesome if you want a decision.

*Much* less awesome if you want to know why I’m doing something… because If you ask I will have to stop and think about it and talk through it and maybe only then figure out some deep-seated desire I’m trying to fulfill.

It also makes flirting confusing, because normally I’m just responding in kind to flirting that’s headed my way… I’d say a good 2/3 of the time I don’t even know that I’m flirting until after the fact… That seems like it could be a problem.