Afraid to Believe

I got great news today. They want to publish my one-act in the Moon City Review 2012!

It's such good news that I almost don't trust it. What if someone somewhere just hit the wrong button? It's all electronic now... it wouldn't be that hard to send an accidental acceptance when you meant to send a refusal.

How sad is it that I find myself suspicious of good news?

I was excited for a few hours and then I just started thinking, "What if it's a mistake?" The only other person I know who was accepted, was accepted over a month ago. Why the long delay between now and then?

50 people liked my status on facebook... what if I have to go back and tell them it was all just a misclick?

I hate looking the fool so much that I almost regret telling people so quickly. I don't want to look foolish and I really really hate feeling pitied.

Pitied or patronized. Either reaction make me want to punch someone/thing.

And if this is all some cruel joke the universe is playing on me... *shakes fist in the general direction of the universe*

Dang, I'm not a pessimist, normally... but I've mentioned before how often it feels like if I want something really and truly then I can't have it.

Now I've just admitted to the world that I really and truly wanted MCR to publish one of my pieces.

It's the first thing I ever tried to get published and I really wanted it to be used. It's that huge first step and it starts the very slow process of getting my name into the world... and I *wanted* it.... so I thought for sure it wouldn't happen. And the passing of the deadline I expected to hear from them by just confirmed it all in my head.

So this feels like it's not possible.

It's exceedingly weird that I should be so good at trusting in God with the hard stuff life's thrown at me, but afraid to trust in Him that the good things are actually good and not just another sneaky way to try and crush my spirits. I've learned how to rejoice in sorrow... but how do you rejoice in rejoicing? How can you ever know it's not all going to come crashing out from under you? The mountains are a lot easier to fall off of than rock bottom.

I realize how very strange I sound right now... I feel like for the first time I've uncovered a place where this journey has dinged me up a bit... where the process hasn't refined me, but added a weakness. How ironic that in learning to stand tall through the valleys I've become afraid to fly in the heights.