Because I knew him...

I have realized in the past few days that I can think of Nathan and smile...

I'm not sure that it has anything to do with the tattoo, but that's when I started noticing it- last night. I can talk about him and reminisce about him without the dark humor defense. Don't get me wrong, I still make the dark jokes from time to time but... there is a lot less sting in them than there used to be.

Last night I was talking about him and laughing about how funny he was. He always said that he thought he was funny because I did, but it's not true. He was hilarious. And Kara and I were talking about how funny he was and it just felt good. It didn't feel like I was touching a tender spot. I could say, "I miss that kid," and not want to cry. Kara and I like to talk about college a lot. We love reminiscing about the "glory days." And that's what talking about Nathan is starting to feel like. This amazing wonderful time in my past, that isn't here anymore, but I can look back and just *love* without being incapacitated by wanting it to still be that way.

Today I was talking about him with some friends... reminiscing about when we first got together, and how the general population of Scholars House felt about it. And how much of a flirt he was... even after we were married. (Not in a malicious or unfaithful way, but in the way that made people feel good about themselves.... though I will admit we had to have some conversations about a few girls because they might have been taking it in a way he didn't mean.) And just how dang cute he was. He was sooo freaking attractive. I know that people are generally drawn to people who are the same (or greater) level of attractive as yourself. I hope it's true, because that puts me in a much higher attractive tier than I'd place myself in.

But anyway... I guess what I'm saying is that I feel like I've reached a new level in the healing process. Not that I will ever ever ever forget... but... the wounds aren't in that red inflamed stage anymore... maybe that's another reason why I wanted the tattoo... it's a physical representation of grief. At least for me. Something that I never thought I could do, but somehow did anyway.  They are both painful, require a healing process, and will always be a part of me and who I become. And some people are appalled/scared by it, but I think it's a part of what makes me beautiful.

Nathan made me feel more beautiful than I ever thought I was, but I think that living through his death has actually made me more beautiful than I ever was.***

It's certainly changed my life.

When we were picking out songs for the funeral Paula asked me what I thought about putting in "For Good" from Wicked. I discovered Wicked in college and fell in love with the soundtrack. *in looooove.* Nathan I went to see it on our honeymoon and again (with Paula) when it came to St. Louis one winter. My first response to her was that I didn't think that I could do it... That it would be too hard to handle... but as I tried to come up with music that fit him and how I/we/everyone felt about him... it was just right. I did find a different version than the soundtrack, just so I'd be able to still watch the show and hear the music without falling to pieces. But we played it at the funeral, and I remember sitting in the pew, tears running down my face "singing" it to him (not actually using my voice) and not caring that I must have looked completely nuts. But I had to tell him, because it is *so* true. Because I knew him I have been changed for good.

 I don't think it's any surprise to people that I find a lot of healing in songs. I sorta talk about it all the time. The lyrics of one struck me tonight (the whole song isn't applicable, but this part is.)

I found piece of mind, I'm feeling good again
I'm on the other side, back among the living
Ain't a cloud in the sky, All my tears have been cried
And I can finally say,[...parts that aren't applicable because it's about a break up...]
I know everything's gonna be okay

***please note that I'm well aware that I'm still far far far from anything approaching perfect.