A bit of irresponsibility

I had a good day.

Good Church service today (though I woke up later than I meant to and thus barely made it to church on time.... well technically it was a little after time.)

Then I made potatoes at the church... and it turns out the church service is exactly the right amount of time to bake them... well, at least today it was.

Then everyone telling me how good they smelled after church. (That wasn't my plan, I just had no other way to get them ready in time for lunch.) But I loved that everyone was raving about the smell.

Then a great lunch with lots of random people from church.

Then I came home and cleaned and straightened the living daylights out of my place, so that for the first time I feel like I can have people over and not apologize for the mess.

Then I registered for the GRE.

Then I had people over to play games, which was fun.

Then Kara hung out with me for a while, and I'm not sure how, but we got on the topic of tattoos... and she tried to convince me that I should get one on Friday.

And I'm actually considering it. - Melissa, I can hear your excited, "ooooh!" from here. -Across time and space!

Not because Kara said so (Though she might try and convince you otherwise.)

But because the timing does seem fortuitous... marking the transition between work and going into a Master's program. It's been well over a year since Nathan died...so we've passed the "no big decisions deadline," and most of the reasons why I'm hesitant to do it are not about me at all, but about other people and how they will react.

And I guess it kinda comes down to this.

I dislike that there is nothing about me on the outside that says I've changed.  It doesn't feel right. When you get married it's a big deal. There is this symbol that you wear and show to the world. You are different and you have proof of it... there is a physical symbol of this inward change. But we don't even do mourning clothes anymore. I took my ring off relatively quickly because I didn't want it to be this big deal hard thing... but I've changed *so* much and I really want to feel like I have proof. Some sort of permanent mark to demonstrate that I'm not the same girl who started this life. I've been marked. I'm different. It's not a scar. It's beautiful, but it's not something that will ever go away. I always told Nathan he could get a tattoo if he wanted one, post cancer. Seems fitting that I allow myself to get one, post cancer.

I haven't changed my mind at all on what or where. (See this post) And I still love all of the symbolism. That it's traditional- that it means a safe return home (after a struggle), Love and loyalty to family, a hardship survived, a victory gained. I even like the idea that the swallow carries your soul to heaven if you die at sea... seems fitting that there is some sort of connection to death... but that it's full of hope- not despair.

I guess the thing is that I know I want to get this tattoo... I even want to explain it to strangers who ask. I just don't want to have to explain it to my loved ones...

But then again, they have to love me tattooed or non-tattooed. Right?

But Friday? I mean who even knows if I could get it done that soon... and do I want to be dealing with a new tattoo when I'm taking the GRE?

But at the same time there is something in me that just wants to let go a little bit, and do something that perhaps isn't the best plan. I guess I'm craving a bit of irresponsibility.