Walking in Beauty

Yesterday's word was destitute...  Here's the problem with that. Someone guessed it... well, maybe 2 someones... but the first guesser came up as anonymous.... so, I have no clue and no means of verifying who you are. So if you want to remain anonymous I think you should e-mail me and let me know who you are... if not-- comment and tell me! This is especially confusing because the people who most often guess did guess- under their own names.... *confused*

Also I'm pondering a retro-active rule change... in that if someone guesses they get 1 point... and if they get it right they get 2 points and if they are the first to get it right they get 3... what do you guys think? I'll be blown out of the point-water pretty fast with this method, but it will be less discouraging for those who guess and guess and keep getting it wrong. *coughRhondacough*

Anyway, moving on.

I took a nap this evening, and I dreamt of several things... One of them strangely enough was my favorite poem. Then I searched my blog and realized I've blogged about a lot of poems, but never my favorite one.

My favorite poem is She Walks in Beauty by Lord Byron.

It has been since my senior year in high school, when we had to memorize and recite a poem for College Prep English. I choose this one, because I read it once and immediately fell in love with it. I still know it by heart.

She Walks in Beauty

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes:
Thus mellow'd to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less,
Had half impaired the nameless grace
Which waves in every raven tress,
Or softly lightens o'er her face;
Where thoughts serenely sweet express
How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o'er that brow,
So soft, so calm, yet eloquent,
The smiles that win, the tints that glow,
But tell of days in goodness spent,
A mind at peace with all below,
A heart whose love is innocent!

 
Like all of my favorite things, I want this poem to be about me... I may live my life so as to try and be as much like this poem as I possibly can. One interesting aspect, which might not be true but makes me like the poem all the more, is that it's said Byron wrote it about a cousin who was in mourning.

I've been in mourning before! See, this poem is totally about me. *nods decisively*

I can't decide if it's nature or nuture that makes girls/women want to be thought beautiful, but it seems to come from somewhere deep deep inside. And I think it's rather interesting that yes, I want to *be* beautiful, but the thing that is more important to me is that I'm *thought to be* beautiful. I've mentioned several times that Nathan telling me I'm beautiful is one of the things I miss the most... and it's also one of the things that has most strongly affected my life/self-esteem.

Men/ boys don't seem to have this same desire/need/longing. Yes, they want to be thought attractive... but they also seem to be a lot more confident that they just are attractive... or that it doesn't matter. Or am I wrong? Do men want to be handsome just as much as women?

See, even writing that, the thought seems ridiculous.

How silly is it that I want to be thought highly of in a context that I have so little control over? I mean I can control how much makeup I wear, but studies show that men actually normally prefer women with less makeup/makeup that looks natural. I can control the color and style of my hair (and boy, howdy, do I!) I can control what I wear and choose the best styles for my body type, and I can control my weight, to some extent. But I've been thinking lately that people don't normally look at your body that closely I mean, I think of all the people I see in a day and I look at their faces and generally have an idea of their body, but I don't pay that much attention.... though that might just be because I'm a girl? Not sure on that one.

Anyway, (barring expensive and painful surgery) I can't control the shape of my face, or it's symmetry, or the color of my eyes, or the height of my cheekbones. I can't control the upturn of my nose or the size of my lips or any of their placement.

And yet it matters to me that other people find them pleasing.  But then I wonder... is it just that? Is that really all I want? To be thought physically attractive?

And it's not... not really. It's *part* of it, but what I want is so hard to pin down and so hard to find/ know. Because what I want is what Lord Byron is saying in that poem. I want a beauty that is internal but somehow expresses itself in my face and body. I want to be such a beautiful person that somehow people can see that just by looking at me.

I want to be so beautiful that men are driven to write poetry about me. I want to be so beautiful that people like me without quite understanding why. I want to be so beautiful that people still like me after they get to know me. I want to be so beautiful that the more a person gets to know me the more they like me and the more beautiful they find me and on and on until the people who know me the best are also the ones who totally adore me and think I am the most beautiful creature to grace the Earth.

Why is it that I'd only ever want to be called a creature when beautiful is before it? I think it's because when you are called a creature it sounds as though you are less than human, but when you are called a beautiful creature it's as though you are transcending humanity. Your beauty takes you to a level higher than human.

Yes, it's all a very attainable and easy goal.

How does one become a mentee of both Audry Hepburn and Mother Theresa?

Mentee? That's a weird word. But it is a word- I just looked it up, to be sure. Apparently we just pulled that word from mentor... but that suggests all sorts of weird words using that same rule. Like the audience is really of bunch of actees... and if you ever hire a contractor you will be a contractee. Melissa sees not patients, but counselees, and people who are fooled by charlatans are impostees.

It's prediculous!

Plus, it looks like manatee... I don't wanna be no stinking manatee!

I'd like to rephrase my previous sentence:

How does one become a mentee protege of both Audry Hepburn and Mother Theresa?

Yeah, I could have just gone back and edited the original sentence, but then you would have missed my little rant and I found it kinda funny, so I thought you might enjoy it.

Waiting Room

Yesterday's word was suspenders-- I told you the word wouldn't be in the title and two of you still guessed dancing. You crazy kids. I was just alluding to the song in Wicked which was alluding to the scarecrow comment...

So I'm not sure what it is about tonight.. If it's the mercurial weather or being alone or missing Kara or the phase of the moon but I'm feeling disgruntled. Or maybe disgruntled isn't even the right word... I'm not sure what the word is though... melancholy... sad... homesick... lonely.

I feel like I'm in a waiting room... I feel like in some respects I haven't left a waiting room for about three years now and I want out.

I want my person.

I desperately want my person, whoever he is.

I'm so tired of going about my life with the waiting room constantly in the background. The reason I'm waiting has changed from what it was three years ago... but it just means I've moved floors. Waiting rooms pretty well all feel the same. Terrible lonely places where you are somehow completely alone no matter how many people are with you. Places where each entrance brings so much hope and fear and desperation.

Now I'm waiting for a different reason. Waiting to meet my someone, or waiting for him to get a clue, or just waiting and waiting and waiting to no ends whatsoever. (And don't think I'm not *terrified* to write that last one.)

And I'm so discouraged.... and I know that it just takes one entrance and it's possible that from whenever that entrance happens I won't really have to deal with this ever again.

But I don't know when that entrance will be... or if it ever will be.

And I'm strong normally and I'm brave normally, but I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm feeling all the things that everyone tells you that you can't be if you want to attract someone.

And that sucks because it's not fair. No one can be strong and brave and confident and "not worry about it" all the time. And I think I normally do a pretty good job of it, but I'm still human. I tamp them down as well as I can, but my emotions are still there, somewhere.

And I want someone to love that I'm so strong and brave normally... but I want someone who can love me when I'm not strong and brave, cause that's when I really need someone to be with me.

And I don't get it.

I really don't.

By this time you probably know me pretty well, don't you? Hopefully you do and you won't hate me for what's about to happen. Cause I'm about to be honest... perhaps offensively honest.

This might be a terrible thing to say, and it's not even a little bit modest but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I mean, obviously Nathan thought so, but... I believe in myself. I'm sweet and I'm kind and I care about people. I'm smart and I'm funny (sometimes) and I have a decent sense of humor for other people's jokes. I like being affectionate with my significant other but I know how to be restrained, too. I can do planned and I can do spontaneous. I have good morals, and a good work ethic, and I can bake quite well. Kara assures me that my hair these days is fantastic and while I could stand to lose more weight, I'm working on it and I don't think I'm unfortunate looking. I'm not high-maintenance, but I'm willig to take on high-maintenance friends. I'm a good wife and I think I'll be a good mom, if maybe slightly overprotective. I mean I might have a bit of an ego on me that I think all these things about myself, and I can obviously work a bit on my patience, and I know that I'm not the right girl for just any guy... but I don't think I'm universally off-putting, either. I don't think there is anything about me that makes me unworthy of getting someone's attention and I think there is a lot about me that makes me desirable... I'd even go so far as to say there is a lot about me that makes me perfect for someone... but there isn't someone, and I don't get it.

And it scares me so much to think that this is all there will ever be.

Longing to have someone to take care of... and longing for someone who wants to make those tiny subtle gestures that let you know that he cares.

I've never needed or expected a room full of a thousand flowers to know that I'm loved... just a text... or an e-mail... or a knock... just someone saying that he loves me more than he loves anyone else. Saying that I'm what he wants. Someone whose hand I can hold.

The exit from the interminable waiting room.

Forgive my ridiculous selfish-ness and moping, please. I just needed to get it out.

Great Limerick, Part 2

You may have noticed that Kara's limerick didn't make the cut two days ago. This is because she drug a frowned upon inside joke into it-- one that I don't really want burned into the internet for all time.

But this morning she woke me up to say goodbye and had three limericks for me, bringing her limerick total up to four (She does so hate to be out-done.) ;)

So here are Kara's *real* limericks:

You change every person you meet
by being yourself- oh so sweet.
I was a real bitch,
now my life is so rich.
The gospel is spread by your feet!

You challenge me to be ... "nice"
for my sin, you oft' pay the price.
You share all you own,
righteous seeds you have sown, ((and great costumes!))
of loving you, moms don't think twice.

I am who I am, 'cause you are who you are.
In every relationship you raise the bar.
I win when you win.
We're closer than kin.
We'll be bff's always- no distance too far.

Great Limerick!

I like to think that "Great Limerick!" is something that we will now say when shocked- like how Dr. Brown says "Great Scott!" in Back to the Future.


So today I was woken up by a phone call from Kara... yes.... it was noon. A girl can sleep as late as she wants on her birthday! I actually missed the first call, but then I called her right back and I'm glad I did, because she told me that she had good and bad news...

The good news is she got a job in Philly. The bad news is she has training that starts August 14th and so can't come back for the friend-a-versary like we planned... but the other good news was... *KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!* And there she was! It was really exciting. I ran downstairs like it was Christmas.

So last Friday, Kara actually came up with the idea that I should have people write me limericks for my birthday...

Best. Idea. Ever.

And now I will share with you some of the greats from today:

A birthday rhyme for my friend Renée
Of her beauty I can't fully convey
She has nails with a map
and bakes desserts in a snap
We will buy her bestsellers someday.
-Natalie

Our friend Renée always bakes
Lots of pies, lots of cookies and cakes
Cause we just can't say no
to her treats made from dough
we're all getting fat, goodness sakes!
- Bill

There's this girl that I know named Renée
She has to have Starbucks each day
White Peppermint Mocha
To start up her mot'a
Now up way too late she will stay
-Lissa

This one has a bit of meter issues, but it's too great not to share:

Surfing facebook on my cellular phone
while sitting here on my porcelain throne.
DING-A-LING-A-LING! Tagged in a post.
Jessie has summoned a limerick for Renée, the host!
WOW! What's that smell? Was it my own?

Anyways, back to the topic of the day.
Renée, sit back, relax and enjoy what I have to say.
No funny business, stinky socks, or rotten fish.
Just a heartfelt, warm birthday wish!
For all those you hold dear to send love your way!

Glancing through posts both new and old,
I wanted to see what all you had been told.
What I realized was almost everyone's downfall!
Hardly anyone can follow directions at all!
Most gave a quick reply, but a few broke the mold!

So on your special day, and a limerick you request,
I issue you this, but a simple test:
Who is lovely and caring and sweeter than sweet?
Who can bake amazing cookies that'll never be beat?
If you guessed Renée, you're correct! She's one of the best!

-Mike

My birthday wishes are lame
Just a simple "Happy Birthday!"--all the same
But I figured "Why not?"
"I'll give this a shot"
"and pen a birthday limerick for Renée"

In no time the first line was written
The standard "Once was a girl..."--I was smitten
Then came line two
And quickly I was through
Limericks are difficult.
Happy Birthday!

-Joe

There once was a girl named, Renée

Who's name happened to rhyme with "bidet"

She so hated the term

That she threatened to burn

Any who uttered it on her birthday

*pause* *deep breath*

So.. there was a fellow, name of Ryan

In imminent danger of fryin'

So to save his skin

He pleaded this then:

(deadpan voice)

"Happy birthday Renée... please don't kill me"

-Burrell (whose name is also Ryan but that's confusing, so I call him Burrell)

Helpful and personable, she will plan an event

Bring people together, not one she resents

but the é in her name is a fake

so you'll think she is French by mistake

(in a crazy French accent)

'cause it gives her excuses to speak in accents.

-Ryan

And then I think the piece dé resistance* (also penned by Ryan)

Renée, Renée, fabulous she

witty and charming, open-handed and free

Her only downfall

-if she has one at all

Is trying to make me watch that stupid show, Glee

I so enjoyed this birthday limerick extravaganza. I love my friends and I love laughing and I love all the wonderful compliments being written down so I can refer to them over and over. 

Kara says next year is sonnets... but she does have a tendency to take things a bit over the top.

*the piece dé resistance says "stupid" for parental controls.... (like literally for the parentals who read this.... Ryan has strong feelings towards against Glee. -- so much that he just made me change it when I said "towards" because (direct quote) "I'm not 'toward' Glee in any way.") 

A pictorial blog

I was feeling bored and sad that I had nothing to do today and no one to do it with.

And then I said, "Oh please, Renée, grow up. You have lots of things to do and you don't need anyone else to do them with."

And then I was like, "Yeah! You're right! I don't need anyone to get stuff done!"

So then I:

Took out the trash.

Yes, I normally hold the trash that far away from my body and look that irritated when taking it out.

   Changed the light bulb in my ceiling fan that burnt out 2 weeks ago.

Shortness *not* exaggerated

 Replaced the battery in yet another smoke detector that started beeping like a week ago- (also in the middle of the night, but this one was much nicer to me when it came to being reinstalled on the ceiling.)

Neither is the tongue. It's a proven fact that sticking your tongue out helps you reach things.

 Rearranged my bedroom.

I seriously looked *exactly* like this...well, except I wasn't wearing blue shoes.

 Washed and dried my sheets and made my bed.

My quilt is actually a green toilé, but I don't have that much patience to draw it...
However, the height of the bed compared to me is accurate. I literally jump into bed at night.

 Did dishes.

This slightly bemused, happy expression is never actually on my face while doing dishes.

Swept and mopped the kitchen and bathroom floors.

This expression, though, is on my face while mopping all the time.

Hung new art and rearranged some other pieces.

Yes, I stand with one foot crossed over the other while evaluating art in my own home. That's how pretentious I can be.

Rearranged several shelves of knick-knacky things.

All knick-knacks based on actual knick-knacks in my home.

And I didn't need anyone to help me do those things.

Oh sure, having someone around might have been helpful if...

The shelves fell on me.

 Or all the pictures started falling off the walls

 Or I slipped in a puddle on the floor and broke both my arms and both my legs.

Or I was washing the dishes with some sort of radioactive slime that made a really big splash and got in my eyes.

Or a Black Widow spider decided to get all cozy in my newly made bed and brought all it's black widow babies.

 Or I got trapped under my mattress

 Or the chair fell while I was reinstalling the smoke detector.

Or I got electrocuted while putting in the new light bulb.

 Or a scary green monster decided he wanted to eat me instead of my trash.

 

But none of those things happened, so I was just fine.

You know, apart from being my normal quirky little self.

Velociraptor incident

Having a missing day.

Pioneer Woman had a post about a cowboy funeral.

And I saw that Ender's Game is being made into a movie, and I thought about how excited Nathan would have been.

And how he never got to read any books in the series except the first one.

And how much he liked it... and would have liked the rest of them.

And I just wish he could be here to finish so many things he didn't get to.

And to see me hold Bolt and how smiley Bolt is with me.

And to hold Bolt and for Bolt to be smiley with him.

And for that to melt me into a pile of goo.

And to talk to me when I'm irritated with someone or something.

And to give me his opinion on perfume.

And to tell me I'm beautiful.  I miss that *so* much. I can't even begin to explain how much and how often I want to hear that I'm beautiful because he isn't here to say it to me.

And I'm afraid to say any of this.

I fight really hard to prove that I don't have emotional baggage, to show that I'm ok, to prove that I can and am able to move forward... and sometimes it feels like if I admit that I miss him then I'm throwing the markers that people use to judge how I'm doing down the drain.

Admitting to missing him is like a Velociraptor incident in this sign.

Only I don't even get days- I get interactions, so if someone just reads this blog post and doesn't read another post for a month I'm stuck in their head where I am right now, and my emotions just aren't that fixed.

I'm in a good place, but there is no way to prove it to anyone... cause I'd say it, even if I wasn't. I can only show it and that takes so darn long. Everything takes so darn long.

I don't want to have to start from scratch. I don't want to be realistic or fair. My life was already exactly where I wanted it to be and I want to pout about it, but that will just take up time that is already gone.

I don't even know how to explain it, but missing Nathan makes me so impatient for the rest of my life to happen. It's like I have to live for the both of us, and I'm just standing around.

Hi, my name is Renee and it's been 10 seconds since my last Velociraptor incident.

Best of the best of the best, sir!

There is this scene in Men in Black where Will Smith (Edwards) is being tested to join the ranks of the MiB with some other people and Zed comes into the room and Edwards asks why they've all been brought there.  Then another recruit raises his hand and says, "Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!

Edwards starts to laugh and Zed asks him why and he replies, "Y'boy, Captain America over here! 'Best of the best of the best, sir!' ... 'With honors.' Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here."

Well, last night I created a blog category called "best blogs." I've retroactively applied it to some of my personal favorites and most often viewed blogs, so if I ever do become wildly popular because I'm published and fans just can't get enough of me they will know where to turn for the classics. :) However if you have some favorites, feel free to share them with me and I'll add the label to them as well.

Anyway I just thought I should tell you.

I'm just really excited and I have no clue why we're here.

Blast from the past

Ok... I totally spoke too soon... I'm sick.. So I'm going to go to bed and try and fight this off before it gets worse. But I shall not leave you blog-less! The other day I was perusing my old xanga.

I know! Whaaaa?!

Anyway I was perusing it and I remembered this blog I wrote somewhere around Valentine's Day.  many years ago (7 to be exact.) It turned out to be the last V-day I spent as a single girl. So I looked it up... I thought it was an amazing blog back then... I don't know that I would say "amazing" now, but you know, there are still a lot of good things in it... and a lot of what I thought were subtle references to that boy who'd dumped me 2 weeks before *coughNathancough.* Turns out I'm about as subtle as a mack truck.

But anyway, without further ado, I bring you this blast from the past:

Saturday, 12 February 2005 

Today has been a day about Love for me. All love. Screw Valentine's Day. Today is my day about love. As previously mentioned it is my grandparent's wedding anniversary. 50 years.  That is a long time to be with one other person... How many times must they have argued? How many times must they have made up. How many times did they think, "What in the heck, why did I marry him/her?" Today is a day about love, and realizing that even after 50 years worth of life, you are still just as in love as you were, or perhaps even more.

Today is a day about love. I called my mom today to ask if she could mail spaghetti sauce and then again to find out what the temperature is for brownies. I called my grandma to tell her happy anniversary and she only asked about me and what I was doing. Even though I'm grown and hardly ever home they want to be part of my life, any part of my life. It is a day about love, and realizing that you don't deserve the people you have been blessed with.

Today is a day about love. My sister is 13 weeks pregnant, and I'm sorry to all those people who have heard me say it 400 times already. I'm very happy and excited about it. I wish I could see her, because I have no idea when you start to show, but she is glowing.. and she was-- even during Christmas she was.. I saw it but didn't say anything... a baby... yes, it's definitely a day to realize that even dealing with the millions and billions of messes and problems children bring, they are worth it. Ask a set of new parents.

Today is a day about love.  I got to hang out with some really great friends today. The best friends I've ever had outside my family. Friends that just call to say they are thinking of me... Friends who love me and that love my cooking and that love to eat and that love to just hang out with me, even when they hate everyone else in the world. Friends that have stuffed animal "friends" who *are* real. Maybe not to everyone, but to me, because they are aspects of that person. Friends that need them and that can do nothing and still have one of the greatest times ever... and who buy me ice cream for no good reason ;)

Today is a day about love. I had the worst headache this afternoon.. one that I can only assume was brought on by caffeine withdrawal... and I saw love, through the sudden hushing, the apologies and the willingness to quiet their loud impulses and to get away when they couldn't help but be loud.  They even listened patiently while I complained. In the head pats and the sympathetic glances and the way that voices took on soothing tones, I saw a day about love.

Today was a day about love. We watched the notebook tonight. Wow. It's sad, but beautiful. and I have to say that it didn't depress me... I half expected it to, with the ...turn of events my life has taken lately... But it didn't... It gives me hope... Someone will love me so much they will write me 365 letters, and it won't matter if I'm stubborn or stupid 99% of the time or if he's conceited and a jerk 99% of the time, because it's about love, and working on it every day. *L* ask Kara and Josh... I think they will tell you it's worth it. BTW girl I may have some ideas for songs... but they may be just horrible or not your style... I'll try to call tomorrow.

Today is a day about love... about knowing someone better than you do yourself and being ok with that. About being able to take whatever comes your way and just deal with it because you have backup. About having the same sense of humor and knowing what someone else is thinking... and being annoyed when you don't know what they are thinking... about always waking up, and not being sad, cause no matter what love doesn't fail you. It's a day about love.

Today is a day about love. I have diamonds on my window. I have more than I deserve, I have people who care about me and whom I care about. I have people whom I would give my life for, and a savior who already did, even when I am mad at Him... or trying to run from Him, who gave His life and knew that I might not even take it... today is my day about love... So love the people you are supposed to and don't be afraid... When you are 80 and senile I don't think you'll regret it.

Today was my day about Love.. who needs valentines?

Travel Plans

I bring to you a blog in the style of "Hyperbole and a Half" (all illustrations were done with a track pad, because I forgot my mouse at home and also because I am insane.)

Here's the thing about me and travel plans. I always start out so reasonably.

I will pack the night before.

I will go to sleep at midnight.

I will get gas in the morning.

... and coffee.

I will leave town at 10.

I say "start out," because somewhere along the line I go a little crazy for no apparent reason and I get super ambitious.

I decide- I will pack 2 days before!

 ...and do laundry

....and clean all the things!

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html 

Of course, those things don't happen and suddenly it's the night before I leave and I'm spending way too much time on the computer....

So I have to amend the plan... but I still believe in myself!

I come up with a new and better plan!

I will get up at 7!

I will pack in the morning!

I will shower!

...and get coffee!

...and gas!

I will leave at 9!

But planning the plan takes a long time... and then there is still the internet... so then I go to bed at two...

 and 7AM comes...

and 7:30...

and 8...

and 8:30

But I finally get up and pack...

I shower ...

I leave the house at 10...

And I still have to get coffee...

and gas.

So I don't leave town till 10:30.

One of these days I'm gonna learn, but it wasn't today...

Maybe next time.

What I've learned

Ok, here we go. It's the day.

I can do this... I have a special outfit picked out, I have my alarm clock set, I have a full, and likely exhausting day of plans set. I can do this.

In honor of the day, I'm going to list the things I have learned over the last year.

1) I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I ever knew.

2) Everyone's grief is different. I know lots of people say this, but it's so hard to really grasp until you are in it.

3) I like Apple products.  Yeah, so this one isn't deep... I still didn't know it at this time last year.

4) I have the most incredible set of friends anyone could ever ask for.

5) It sucks to have the illusion of immortality stripped away from you.... and from your friends.

6) Looking beautiful is a very important weapon in my arsenal of coping mechanisms.

7) I hate the phrase "move on." I am/will move forward, but you don't "move on" from your spouse dying, as if it's just a hurdle you have to get over.

8) Likewise I hate hearing that Nathan "lost his battle" with cancer. Eff that. Nathan's in heaven. That's winning. That's the ultimate winning. And besides that, cancer never broke him. Never. Heck it barely even got him down. He kicked cancer in the face and then he went to go tell God about it in person. He "lost," my patootie.

9) I'm a writer. I wouldn't have called myself that a year ago.

10) Joy is a choice and it's not always an easy one, but it is usually the right one.

11) I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. (Phil 4:13)

Prthanks.

Tomorrow I'm going to a pancake fundraiser for one of the nurses of 5W... at least I think she's a nurse... It doesn't really matter. She works on 5 West, she took care of my husband and she's battling breast cancer. Good enough for me.

I'm getting up at 7:00 to do this... ok probably 7:30. Still, that's early for me.

Oh did I tell you my hours changed? I now start work at 10 rather than 9. It's amazing what an hour will do for you. I feel so much better rested waking up at 9/9:30 than I did at 8/8:30. It's just that much closer to my natural sleep schedule I think.

So I wrote that at around 5 in the afternoon (sometimes I write blog posts a long time before I post them. Shhhhhh don't tell!)

Then I got distracted... by dinner I think? Then I watched the Joplin Extreme Makeover Home Edition, which was really great. and then Kara came over and we talked for...  well she came over around 8:30 or so... and she just left at 2.... so like 5 and a half hours... I love talking to Kara. I don't know why God has given her a calling to move away from me. I don't doubt it, I just dislike it.

I make up for it in my head by assuming that she will use me as an illustration of awesome things in like 85% of her sermons so if I ever come visit her church on a Sunday I will be a walking celebrity.

(What does that even mean, Renée??? As opposed to all the wheelchair-bound celebrities, who are just rampant? Can't get rid of those guys, they are way too excited about having a wheelchair to play in! British GPS says, "Blimey, you've just gone on a bit of a ramble now, 'aven't ya? Don' know 'ow you are gonna recovah from that one, mate. Best tell a story, give em an illustration-like. Off you go now.)

This is how I imagine it going- We'll run into someone in the church hallway and I'll say, "Hi, I'm Renée! I'm a good friend of Kara's."

And people will stop as they are reaching their hand out to shake mine and they will say, "Did you say, Renée?"

And I'll smile confusedly because their hand is frozen in the air and they aren't shaking my proffered hand, and say, "Yes."

And then they will get a look of wonder and awe on their face, grab my hand, and shake it very enthusiastically and they will say, "I've heard so many stories but I never thought I'd have a chance to actually meet you in person. It's such a pleasure!"

And I will smile and be very polite and chat with them a few minutes longer.

Then I will get the heck out of Philadelphia because Kara has WAY oversold me.

How is "proffered" even a word. You know what it means? It means offered. Wait. So you add a "pr" to a word and it still means the same thing?? That's Prediculous! Preposterous!  oooh wait maybe I can just say, "That's Eposterous!"

I have yet to tell Kara that her advertisement of me as the second greatest human who ever lived is how I'm reconciling her leaving. I kept thinking about it tonight but I never worked it around to that. So I guess this is me telling her.

Kara, I know in my heart that I'm awesome. Your calling is simple- tell the world about Jesus (and how awesome I am.)

Prthanks.

Andúril

You know, I've been thinking and I think there is a stigma that comes along with being a widow... or at least a young widow. I mean it's not like people think you killed your husband or anything, but there is a bit of an assumption that you are damaged... that you have a lot of baggage... that you are going to have issues.

None of it is true. At least not any more true than it is of anyone else in the world. Everyone is damaged somehow, everyone has baggage, everyone has issues. I think that I'm probably just as well-adjusted if not more than a divorced woman... and I don't have trust issues. I think I have the same amount (or less) baggage than a woman my age who's never been married (and who wants to be)... and I have less fear and more confidence. And at least for now I only have half the issues a married woman has, because I don't have my husband's issues too. (That's a fun sidenote to marriage... you have to deal with double the issues.) I think that the elderly escape this stigma because... well, by the time you are old people expect you to know how to handle stuff. But if you're young then the death was probably tragic and you probably don't have a clue what you are doing.

Well that last part is true, I certainly don't have a clue what I'm doing. But I muddle along and I try and I keep looking forward... I mean I've been through a fire... and it's changed me... but I think becoming a widow has honed me. It's given me a point of view, it's given me perspective, and darn but if it hasn't made me even more sure of my faith and the importance of focusing on the positives... and you know... now, when I let my joy out... it means something to other people... Not that it didn't before, but when I can say, as a person who has walked through the valley of the shadow of death that it is well with my soul.... There is something powerful in that.

This post makes me feel like Andúril. Just call me the widow reforged, the flame of the west.

Start Gettin' Excited!

I have a friend

Ok, ok, yes, I have lots of friends, but I'm going to be talking about one in particular. Sheesh, you are as bad as the German judge. (For those of you just tuning in, the German judge is a running guest star on my blog... along with my British GPS. His first appearance was April 27, 2011. If you want to read more references, just type "German" in that fancy little search bar up there... We now conclude this issue of pop-up blogging.)

Anyway, since this friend of mine doesn't know I'm talking about him in a blog, I'm changing his name lest he be upset that I've name-dropped him all over the internet. (You know, since my blog is picked up in so many places that it could be a huge hassel.) ;) Anyway, my friend henceforth shall be referred to as Declan, because (as we've previously discussed) this is my favorite nom du jour and because typing "my friend" could get both confusing and awkward in phrasing.

So anyway, Declan and I are friends but we don't know each other super well. There are a couple of reasons for that: 1) There just hasn't been that much time to get to know each other- We met during class this semester (he is one of the people in my writing group) and 2) It's kinda difficult to get him to talk about himself much.

But let me tell you the thing about Declan that has inspired me to write a blog tonight.  He has the most genuine and boundless enthusiasm I've ever seen and he isn't afraid to show it. It's both charmingly winning and completely refreshing. And the thing is, he is not just enthusiastic about himself and his goals, he's enthusiastic about *others.* I've never met anyone who is so excited about other people's successes and achievements without a hint of jealousy or comparison to himself.

Let me give you a few examples of what I mean. After I showed him the commercial for the Moshi Monster game he not only asked to watch it a second time, but called over classmates to watch it, too. I've heard him refer to himself as "giddy" no fewer than three times when referencing his excitement about various things. And today- we were texting back and forth about an upcoming submission deadline to a journal the MSU English dept. puts out (The Moon City Review.) He asked me about cover letters and I sent him mine as an example with the caveat that I hadn't edited them yet, so they were still a little rough. He responded with a text saying, "Your cover letter is amazing. I would publish it in the Moon City Review. :p" -When homeboy gives a compliment he *gives a compliment.* There is no tempering it with concern about how it will make him look. And thus my blog this evening.

Somewhere in middle school or Jr. High they get us to drink this Kool-Aid. It's the Kool-Aid that tells us it isn't cool to exhibit excitement. That you should be low key to fit in, that people who get giddy are annoying, that "whatever" is an acceptable and preferred attitude, and that ebullience (especially for people outside of our immediate family circle) needs to be quashed. I don't know if Declan was absent the day they handed out the Kool-Aid, he thought it was that weird fluoride rinse and just swished it around his mouth and spit it out, or if he just somehow overcame it and found a way to make it work for him. But work for him it does.

There wasn't a person in the class who didn't have positive feelings for Declan by the time the semester ended. I saw over and over someone bask in the unexpected glow of Declan (who didn't have any stake at all in their life) being thrilled by some personal progress they'd made, writing idea they had, or great edit they'd done. And having been the recipient of some of those moments of exuberance myself, I can tell you it's heady stuff... and I'll be darned if it doesn't make me want Declan to succeed, too. I know that isn't his goal at all- in fact I have my doubts as to whether or not he's even aware of what he's doing. He's just being himself. He is genuinely excited and lets it be known.

I've had a lot of people ask me why I stopped teaching high school over the years. Always somewhere in my answer I mention that I don't deal well with apathy- which is just rampant in high schools. Declan is like an antidote for apathy- it turns out excitement actually is contagious!  And pondering all this tonight made me realize some things:

1) I really don't like apathy. All of my closest friends are people who get excited about stuff. Sometimes that takes place in the form of passionate debate, sometimes it takes place in the form of great compliments and sudden busts of temper, sometimes it is more subtle and take form in the willingness to talk a subject into the ground without getting tired of it.

2) I drank the Kool-Aid and very rarely openly display my excitement about things, because I seem to lack the self confidence to be ok if I'm the only person in the world who feels this way- even though I rationally know that can't possibly be the case.

3) On the rare occasions when I do openly let it be known that I'm really excited about spending time with a person, or that I think they are just great, or that I miss them, I've never encountered a negative response. - Imagine that! When you tell someone you think they are the shizzle they like it!

So it all makes me think Declan is really on to something, and I want to be more like him. I want to catch some of his excitement. I'm surrounded by hundreds of amazing people everyday, and I really do care about them... it's time I started letting *them* know that I care.

I better start getting excited!

Tales of a 27 year old fan-girl

Ach, it's been a busy evening. My Christmas break has officially started and it's bustling already.

I'm really glad that I'll be spending enough time in one place this Christmas to sleep... and maybe, hopefully? write some, too.

I watched the Glee Christmas show this evening while doing laundry. I thought it was a lot of fun, with it's homage to the holiday specials of the 60's.

Seriously, how cute are these guys?!?

My favorite moment, though was Sue's address of Artie, Kurt and Blaine as, "Stumbles, Gelfling, and young Burt Reynolds" especially Blaine's thrilled reaction to being called young Burt Reynolds... that was hilarious. Then again, maybe that's just because of how dreamy I think Darren Criss is. I don't care how many bow ties you slap on that kid, or if you ban him from ever wearing socks again,  he's still totally swoonworthy.

It's all in the eyebrows

 I digress.

Oh great now, I'm totally distracted by the fact that I've got a picture of Darren staring at me. Why didn't they cast HIM as Edward??? So much cuter than Robert Pattinson.

The digression continues.

I think I might have to give up this blog post and just hope that tomorrow I don't go all fangirl on you, like I have this evening.

I call this one: Darren Crissmas

Oh look here's a blog of someone crazier than me... well, that makes me feel better.

How to be best friends

I got to see the lovely Kara a bit more today than I usually do. I saw her (and the darling Bolt) over my lunch break and then I went running errands with her - which turned into running errands, getting supper, and then getting ice cream. What can I say? Kara and I like to up the ante. It was really nice. Babies need a lot of time, so I've not gotten to hang out with my bestest friend for a while, so tonight was just fabulous.

Kara has decided to take the idea of guest blogging seriously- which is fine, I don't mind letting her have my soap box every once in a while. She has come up with two ideas, one of which I am unqualified to share and the other of which she has graciously told me that I can use... and I think I shall because it's very much along the lines of where my mind is going of late.

Kara and I are best friends... I wrote a blog post all about her once upon a simpler time. I was a different person then, but our friendship was/is the same. Well, this evening Kara was talking about her blog ideas and she said, "I think we need to share with the world one of the secrets to being best friends."

Naturally I asked, "And what is that?"

And she said, "We enjoy our relationship... and we enjoy talking about it. Like we talk about how great of friends we are, and how much we love that we are best friends and how such and such is why we are best friends. I don't see many other people do that."

And I said, "You are absolutely right." (In fact I'm pretty sure Kara has hit on one of the theories of communication, but unfortunately I can't remember at all which theory it is. It's akin to group think and has something to do with positive regard...)

**btw Communication Theory might be right under an art history class as something that I think all people should have to take. It's stupid to make every college graduate take a public speaking course when not all people need to speak publicly- but everyone has to communicate effectively.**

Anyway, what Kara said is true and as soon as she said that I realized it's something that Nathan and I used to do, too. I'm not really a compare-er, but when it comes to relationships... especially my close relationships I firmly believe that they are special and I say so. With Kara it comes out after she's said exactly the right thing to validate my feelings or she's made a joke that only the two of us would really find funny. And it sounds something like, "See, that's why your my best friend." or "Thank you for knowing that upset me." or even just, "You're my best friend, Copper." Kara says things like "That's why we are besties!" too. (I've yet to come to terms with "besties") Though, oftentimes she expresses it a bit more dramatically (aka more fun-ly) by making bold statements about how we could be a sitcom or start the "Real Housewives of Springfield", or by writing beautiful book inscriptions or touching e-mailed sentiments. But both of us recognize our friendship and affirm it to the other and in the process that cements our relationship that much tighter.

Nathan and I did something similar. We both thought the other person was great, and having a relationship that was rooted in a strong friendship, we talked about it. We talked about how strong our marriage was. I told him how happy I was to be married to him. He asked me to marry him about once every week or two from the moment we got engaged. I would always respond either "You already asked me that" or just "yes", while we were engaged and once we were married I would say, "I already did, silly!"

He would reply somewhere along the lines of, "Oh yeah! That was the best idea I ever had." and I would agree. We talked at length about how special we thought our relationship was. Not because no one had ever had a relationship like ours, (many have!) but because that type of relationship is something to be cherished no matter how many exist in the world. And I think that made us stronger.

It's a fine line to walk. I've tried the same relationship admiration with other people and only succeeded in freaking them out or making them think that I am needy, which isn't actually even all that true. And I've had people come on too strong with me and assume a closeness that I wasn't quite feeling... and to be honest there have been times when I ran from it as hard as I could. You have to be honest, sincere, and (especially at first) vulnerable.... but if you can manage to sync up and sincerely begin to point out the places and moments in your relationships where you and the other person just hit it off... and if they can reciprocate. I think it's one of the keys to having a friendship that passes the test of time. Even if it takes a while to get there... I think it's important. (And if it's the right person, it might even accelerate the friendship.)

Maybe it's all just me... Maybe the reason why Kara and I and Nathan and I hit it off so well is that we all come from the same positive regard boat... but I don't think so. I think it runs more deeply than that. People want to be special. And they want to be a part of something beyond the ordinary to make them feel special... and I think sometimes just putting a spotlight on the small things starts to make the big picture shine as well.

So Kara... did I do it justice? Were you gonna talk about some other aspect of relationship admiration? I feel like this is a huge well that I only pulled one bucket of water from and there is so much more, but it's getting onto 1:30 and my laptop battery is dying a slow death and this blog is already getting rather epic. So for now I leave it at that... perhaps I'll pull some more buckets at a later date.

Emotions vs Logic

Since the advent of working until 5 during the week my crazy sleep schedule has evened out a bit. With the inability to nap in the afternoon before needing to be places I have to go to bed earlier... so this whole 3 AM thing is not as happy as I'd like it to be. But a blogger must blog, and so blog I must.

So anyway. Emotions.

I've got 'em. Boy howdy, do I got em. And after last week I've been thinking. Last Wednesday was a hard day. So hard that I went to a friend's house just for the company. Let's call him Chuck.* Yes, it was a male friend, but he's like a cousin to me, so don't start gettin' any ideas. Men are comforting to me, remember? Plus this guy is about the lowest key person I know, so I didn't feel like I had to be on. I didn't have to entertain, I didn't have to be entertained, I just wasn't alone. I did this on purpose. Cause I knew at some point or another I was gonna feel it... and if I feel it when I'm alone I get so miserable and I don't have a place to go for comfort.

So there I was, tra la la, eating my salad, working on homework, and thinking... mainly just thinking, though, honestly. All day there was this cloud over my head. A huge stormhead that just made things dark  and threatening. So finally I'd had enough. I went chasing the storm. I went and read things we'd written. Things from last year. Things from 2 years ago. My thoughts, Nathan's thoughts, memories. And there it was. The breakdown I'd been feeling rising all day. So I read Nathan's words, "I'm alive" from this time last year and I read about what I thought was going to be our one lost year. And I cried because it was really our one last year and when it started hurting too bad I went and found Chuck and forced him into a teary hug and one of those awkward silences where you aren't really done hurting, but neither of you really know what to say either...

Then Chuck, bless him, tried to fill the silence...

Boys try to fix things. I think most of us are aware of this stereotype... They try to fix things and they are generally thinkers, not feelers. Well, in this situation the stereotype held true. He didn't know what to do, so he started to try and find a way to fix the situation. He can't really bring Nathan back, so the problematic element was that I knew what day it was. If I didn't know what day it was, I wouldn't be so sad. Did I have a calendar with all these anniversaries on it somewhere? Cause there seem to be a lot.

No, if I had a calendar with all this recorded I would be holding a ceremonial bonfire. And the reason why there are a lot? Well, these used to be celebration days... but more than that... Nathan was the most important thing in my life. I don't really mess around with loving someone. Everything I knew/was/did, was wrapped up in my love for this man. So I notice the passing of time without him. I remember the days that were significant to us. I remember the days that changed my life.

I mentioned the blogs, and Chuck found something to latch on to. I shouldn't read those things. Re-reading blogs isn't always a good idea at the best of times, much less the worst of times. And I admitted that maybe I shouldn't have done that... and by then my emotions were beginning to settle, and so I got distracted by a cool lamp and soon I could go back in the other room and entertain myself.

But here's where we get to the heart of the matter. Because after much thought, I believe that I did exactly what I should have done. My emotions are not the problem that needs to be fixed. My tears aren't the issue. The problem is that my husband died. Because of this, I have a lot of symptoms (emotions and tears) but the "fix" to the problem is healing. I have to heal. And sometimes the way to heal is to let yourself feel where it hurts- Which can cause tears.

The thing is that death causes emotions... and trying to ignore those emotions, or quash them when they do arise isn't healthy... it's (pardon the crass-ness of the analogy) emotional constipation. I don't dwell in my sadness... that's actually what I was trying to avoid by getting company for that night. Just hunkering down in my pain. So did I try to bring on a little bit of that breakdown? Yes. But it was like taking something that makes you throw up when you accidentally ingest poison. I knew I could cry, get my hug and my uncomfortable silence and then the dark cloud could pass. Last Thursday was 8 months... but it was ok... I think in no small part because I just face and deal with what I can when I can. When it hurts, I let it hurt. But when it's time to laugh... I laugh.

I'm not at all upset with my friend. I think that boys are taught to quash their emotions a lot more than girls are... especially country kids. He was actually trying to be helpful, because he cares about me which is in it's own way healing to me... and he helped me realize that sometimes I do act as though my tears are the problem, rather than the symptom. I'm still a country stoic at heart... and I don't want to freak people out, so I keep the sorrow hidden behind so many walls. But tears are cleansing, too. And I think I need to remember that as long as I stay open enough to notice the cool lamps and don't just set up camp in my sorrow, it's still ok to cry. You can't logic away emotions. But, if I can feel the emotions then I can release them, and trying to convince myself that this day or that day doesn't mean anything isn't going to do me any favors.

I just have to keep dealing with today. And forcing awkward silences on them.

*Chuck is not at all his real name, he just plays a bit of an antagonist in this particular story so I didn't want to use real names as he's actually a fabulous bloke, and not an antagonist at all.

A Special Blog Post

Today, I'm writing an early blog-- and I probably won't be blogging later tonight. Prepare yourself. Today is a hard day. I'm trying not to think about it, but if I'm slightly hermit-like, please forgive me. Tears are close to the surface today, and I don't have energy for  putting on a happy face. I don't have energy for much of anything but running to comfort, today.

That said I'm blogging about something that's very important and special to me. The incredible people who have come into my life in big and small ways over these past 2 years. Last week I wrote a letter and mailed it to three places. Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes, the Oncology-hematology offices at Hulston Cancer Center, and 5 West at Cox South. I'm *so* grateful that if I had to go through this horrendous experience, I can at least say that I was blessed with amazing knowledgeable people to help me through it.

So I just want to share the letter that I wrote with all of you:

September 28 is not my favorite of days. It was not so bad last year because we had a “1 Year of Kicking Cancer in the Face” party. You see, September 28, 2009 is the day that gave us the news that my husband, Nathan Dunn, had Acute Myeloid Leukemia. He was 24, and I’d just turned 26 the month before. We’d been married a little over 2 years and had just been starting to think about having children and our plans for the future- plans that were instantly derailed at 8:00 that Monday evening. But as heart wrenching a moment as it was- discovering in one fell blow that you are not, in fact as invincible as your youth would lead you to believe- it was also the moment that brought into our lives some of the most incredible people I’ve had the privilege of meeting. It’s now two years later and on September 29th it will be 8 months since we lost Nathan to complications due to the treatment of his AML. He wasn’t quite 26 yet. The journey was long, difficult, painful and basically the only type of rollercoaster that I revile. But I had the most incredible team come alongside of me when it happened and I don’t know how we would have done it without them.

I’m convinced that there is a special type of crown in heaven for the medical caretakers of cancer patients. It’s a sad truth that the people you see the most are the people who are doing the worst and there is so very much unpleasantness that is brought on by cancer, radiation, and chemotherapy- both in people’s bodies and in their attitudes. I have no idea how you deal with it all, and still treat every patient with such kindness and respect. A lot of people take out their bad days on you, but you can’t take your bad days out on any of them. I would just like to let you know that you make a difference. You make such a difference. I took care of my husband for 16 months, and from that time I know that I could never do what you do, yet there you are, day after day, night after night, caring for and about dozens, sometimes even hundreds, of people who are as sick as can be. I hate the circumstances in which I met you, but I’m very glad to have gotten the chance to meet you. 

In particular: Dr. Robert Ellis, I will always be grateful for the compassion with which you broke the news to us and so glad that we didn’t “shoot the messenger.” We always felt like you were seeing, not just Nathan, the AML patient, but Nathan the person. Thank you for never making us feel rushed even though you are very busy, and for always taking the time to make sure we understood what was happening, what the plan was, and why. I also enjoy your sense of humor and will not forget the time that we came into the hospital for a maintenance round of chemo and you saw me in the hall later and asked how things were going. When I told you he was already finished with his first round you exclaimed, “Well… Well… Shiver me timbers! That’s about the fastest I’ve ever heard!” I’ve never been so delighted to hear pirate speak in my life.

The other Oncology-Hematology physicians, and staff at the Hulston Cancer Center: My interactions with you were fewer, as I often had to work during the day, but we never ran into a doctor, nurse, or tech who was anything less than kind and many of you knew Nathan on sight and greeted him even if you were not the one taking care of him that day. There were times when it felt like I was married to a rock star celebrity rather than a cancer patient. Of course I thought Nathan was special, but it touches me that you all seemed to think it as well.

5 West Nurses, PCAs, and staff: Every single one of you is worth your weight in platinum. Gold isn’t even good enough. You all became like an extended family to Nathan and me, and to this day you encourage me and care about me. You’ve cried with me, you cared for my dear husband and took care of me as well. I will never be able to say thank you loud enough or long enough to convey how important and amazing I think you are.

Dr. Keith Stockerl-Goldstein, Rebecca Thompson, and all the other Barnes/Wash U. staff in the BMT/Leukemia division of Siteman: We met you later in the game, and you saw the best and worst of Nathan. You saw him with his ready smile even when dealing with terrible pain and sickness and you saw his stubborn pride when things started getting really hard at the end. Dr. Goldstein- It was easy to forget you didn’t live at the hospital; you were there so often. I think we saw you every day for 2 and a half weeks once. That kind of dedication is inspiring and touching. Rebecca- You cared about Nathan, and it was really evident. You went to bat for us with insurance and prescriptions, you called us to check up when Nathan was in the hospital in Springfield, you told me what to do when I was so panicked that even the most obvious of choices were unclear to me, and you went out of your way to visit Nathan several times during his last week in the ICU (and I saw the tears that you tried to hide.) At some point it felt like it became more than just your job, and that still means so much to me.

If it is a war against cancer, then in one way or another Nathan and I were taken off of active duty. But you are all still out there in the trenches, fighting the good fight, saving as many lives as you can and enriching the lives of those you can’t with your kindness, your thoughtfulness, your patience and the small bit of your heart that you invest in all of us touched by the horrible disease. I’m honored to have served beside you in my small little way. Shortly after Nathan’s death I got a card from a group of people, and someone had anonymously written. “F@*k it. In my eyes, he won.” That’s how I feel. Cancer doesn’t win, even if people die. I think the human spirit is greater than that, and I think each and every one of you is proof. I would sometimes be asked if I was a nurse because I picked up on medical jargon so quickly. My response was always, “No, I’m not a nurse. I just pay a lot of attention, cause I think he’s pretty important.” I learned about one type of cancer because I thought my husband was special. You learned about cancer because you thought he was, too. You thought he was and you think that every other husband, wife, mother, father, child is as well. And for that I cannot thank you enough. But I at least want you to hear it today.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

On September 28th my goal is not to focus on what cancer has taken away from me, but on all of you and the profound impact you have made on my life.

Thank you.

Happy Kick Cancer in the Face Day.

Hug your loved ones for me today.

Renée