Oh Look, a Procrastination Blog!!

Last night I literally would not let myself work on my presentation for my Form and Theory class until I finished my book report for my Shakespeare class. My book report is technically not due until Sat, but I have a research paper due on Monday for Shakespeare that I haven't even started (looked at some of the research-- that's all) so I really needed to get that out of the way and my presentation for Form and Theory is based on the paper which I've already written, and it's just a lot more fun than Shakespeare. Plus, since it was due today I knew I wouldn't go to bed before I finished the presentation, and I cannot say the same about that stupid book report which I've been putting off for weeks now.

And it worked. The book report is done and I think the presentation went well. Plus I got two new facebook friends as a direct result of my presentation, where I quoted a facebook conversation. (Whatever. It was a totally brilliant analogy- don't give me that look. At least two (TWO!) people physically reacted by leaning back in their seats and nodding when I came to the crux of the analogy.)

The cookies that I made for it were certainly a hit. I made special oatmeal raisin cookies for one of my friends in that class, and he says he's going to write me a jingle to use in my fictional cookie business.

Soon I will have a fictional cookie making empire. (The cookies will be real, the empire will not.)

I love making people happy with baked goods. I really do. It's so easy and people are so grateful/impressed. (I won't lie, I totally love the compliments, too.)

Now I need to be working on my Shakespeare paper, but a friend just came over to talk out some relationship issues she was having, and people are more important than papers.

And now she has left and I know when I finish this blog I have to buckle down...  so I'm stalling for time a little.

It's a bit weird how being stressed out and super duper busy puts me in a really good mood, but it's as though every laugh has to be extra joyful to make up for the fact that I'm stressed. I think laughing is just my favorite. I think I'm a Care Bear in people clothes.

Shakespeare can't handle a Care Bear Stare!

To the Care-a-lot! (otherwise known as my upstairs office)

Gushing

I love college.

I love my job.

I'm really excited to be going back to school.

I know that at some point in the middle of the semester when my life is happening all around me and I feel completely overwhelmed, I'm not going to be so thrilled, but right now I *love* it.

I said before that it feels like coming home, and it really does. I wasn't ready to leave college when I did. But it was time to graduate, so I matriculated and away I went.

But I'm back and it's just wonderful.

My supervisor is like constantly impressed with me.

And she would have guessed I was 22. She was visibly shocked when I said I just turned 29.

Of course, now that she knows my real age maybe she won't be so surprised at my competency.

But still.

I learned a new word today: Parvenu. It means "a person who has recently or suddenly acquired wealth, importance, position, or the like, but has not yet developed the conventionally appropriate manners, dress, surroundings, etc."  (according to dictionary.com) The Beverly Hillbillies were parvenus.

I also learned that a group of alligators is called a congregation.

That's funny stuff.

In conclusion, Grad School = the shizzle.

Also, the restaurant is pretty fan-freakin-tastic, too.

Oh and my mom got me nail stickers for my birthday... and I did these last night.

Sah-weet!

Happy

 Tomorrow is a full day, but full of things that I really like to do.

I'm going to get my hair done.

The other day Kara (very generously) said that I've developed better hair than her. I think she's super nice for saying that, as Kara's hair is the hair by which I measure everyone else's hair... But that said I think she still wins, if by the sheer fact that she doesn't have to go to the salon every 2 months to maintain her hair. That said I really like going... I always feel so pampered and cosmopolitan while getting my hair done... and that's saying something, considering my head is covered in foil!

Then I go to laser hair removal... Once again making me feel completely spoiled. Yeah, it hurts a little, but boy howdy is it ever worth it... If I had unlimited funds I'd be doing my legs, but as it is I just continue to tear them up by shaving them. I should move to Europe... or are even the Europeans shaving their legs these days?

And then I have writer's group at 3 (yay!) Writer's group has been kinda spotty over the summer but I think it says good things that we are still doing it (even spottily.)

And that's it, really. Only 3 things. But three things I look forward to, all happening on the same day.

And I imagine I'll come up with other things I like to do as well, because I'm generally a pretty happy person and like a lot of things.

Dunno why, but I've been in a really good mood for the past week or so...

I'm making new friends.

And hanging out with the ones I already have.

And generally feeling confident, self-assured, charming, and happy.

OOOh *and* I put away all my laundry tonight... which is awesome, and doesn't happen that often.

Also my nails are one polish that is pink and orange and gold all at once. It's pretty. I tried to take a picture but it did it absolutely no justice.

There are good and happy things on the horizon line. I can feel them!

Sing

I thought about blogging about depressing stuff again, because there is this great song by DeathCab for Cutie that is super true... but it's also really depressing.

I mean, "Love is watching someone die" is a refrain.

Oh yeah Renee, why don't you keep this blog super upbeat and positive?

So I'm not going to blog about that, and if you really want to listen to the song I'm referring to you can go to this youtube video, which also has the lyrics for the song.

Instead I'm going to tell you about a message I got on facebook the other day that said, "Hey, I just wanted to message you and properly thank you for the two years teaching me, I learned a great deal from you and not just about acting, so thank you, keep being awesome."

Well if that isn't nice enough to make a girl wanna cry I don't know what is.

I'm so glad to know that even if teaching wasn't my calling, at least I was able to make a difference to some people while I was there.

I think that's good enough for me.

Ohhh and I just realized that the graduation Glee is online now. Oh it's a happy day for me... unfortunately I need to go to bed, not go watch it right now. But it's something to look forward to.

It really doesn't take much to make my day. I think that's a good thing. 

So I'll leave you with this song instead. It's one of my all time favorites

I am a cosmopolitan adult... almost.

I gotsta buy me a mat to put under my computer chair so I can roll around... The carpet in this place is nicer, meaning it has texture and is generally carpet like, but it means I can't roll at all and that's sad. I like rolling. It's who I be. It's how I... well... roll.

There is something about coming home from work and studying math for a big muckety-muck test that makes me feel oddly smart and cosmopolitan. Seriously. Yesterday as I opened the freezer I felt like I was a grown woman, accomplishing my dreams and being an adult.

Then I realized I was reaching for the Pepperoni Bagel Bites and I had a good laugh at myself.

I'm just sure that cosmopolitan adults never go near Bagel Bites....

They certainly don't buy them in bulk at Sam's.

...uhhhh not that I buy them in bulk at Sam's. Nope, never ever did that... ever.

I haven't painted my nails in days. I simply haven't the time. (That last line was said in a snooty British accent, btw.) I'm too busy studying a big ole Math book and de-rustifying my brain.

And writing a contributor's bio. (80 of the hardest fought words I've ever penned... clicked... typed. Whatever.)

And blogging.

And eating Bagel Bites.

And ok, ok, I may have watched "The Voice" last night while studying a bit. That's ok, isn't it?

I'm actually pleasantly surprised with my math skills. I looked at the GRE website and I got pretty scared, but apparently my mind is like an old farm truck in the winter. You have to start it up and let it idle for a while, but once it's warmed up, it'll do a heck of a lot more than you think.

That was a beautiful analogy. Be impressed.

I got on the scale this morning and my weight had gone up a bit since the last time I got on it. Which just goes to show you that eating a ton more food can not be balanced out by climbing stairs several times a day.

Guess I need to actually start paying attention to that again. Gotta look good for Lissa's wedding.

I'm really hopeful that after Thursday I will be able to get a heck of a lot more stuff done and I won't go to bed with a huge to-do list still in my mind....

I'm suspicious this won't actually be the case.

Ok, well I need to go be a cosmopolitan adult and write a critique for writing group, and do a bit of video game writing, and of course always more studying... miles to go before I sleep!

Buttercup, baby.

Sooo... my mom is having some medical concerns that I just realized I've not gotten clearance to make known to the entirety of the internet... so I won't tell you what's going on, but I will ask you to pray... I don't deal so well with family medical issues --even the relatively minor ones.

**edit** She told Facebook so I feel that it's ok to tell you: She has a really low iron count and they don't know why. She doesn't have an ulcer and they aren't sure what else could be the reason, but she had to go in today for a blood transfusion. While she is there they will do some more blood work to see if they can figure it out, and she has a colonoscopy scheduled for 2 weeks from now to see if that will reveal anything.

She blames the air in northern MO... or the Taliban.

I come by my sense of humor honestly.

**new edit. Her iron is up now and she doesn't need the transfusion... But they don't know why it's fluctuating so much either... I guess that's the new thing they will be looking into.

I got my critiques back from my One Act... some things suggested I absolutely disagreed with... most people were very complimentary and my teacher actually wrote- "So often writers become so dark with the subject (death), but your soul has this wonderful light in it. I think your perspective needs to be out there in this sad world."

Yeah. 

Apparently the good Lord is trying to give me a lift because that was the second round of seriously flattering compliments in a 24 hour period. 

Is it bad that I'm slightly suspicious that a piano is about to be dropped on my head in order to deflate my ego?

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby, just to let me down?

Yes, I did just call my Heavenly Father "Buttercup, baby." Hopefully He's chuckling fondly at me and my crazy antics, not preparing the smite.

Good for the soul

Short blog because I stayed up late into the night talking to a friend. My absolute favorite kind of nights. But it got so late that she's crashing on my couch, now.

Sometimes I do think I look like Snow White... only a modern day Snow White. Ooooh good book idea?

I'm wearing a new dress to church tomorrow. And heels... and quite possibly tights. Prepare yourself for the cute-ness.

I'm going to be able to see my family next weekend. I'm excited about it.

I learned today that post-traumatic stress moments still hit me... and they still pack a punch when they do.

I should have been writing this weekend for class. I didn't. Maybe tomorrow?

Really really good evening. *really* Imma be tired tomorrow morning, though.

And so I think I need to say goodnight to you.

but not before I say that I think everyone should have conversations where they stay up so late it wouldn't really be safe to drive home.

It's good for the soul.

Especially the lonely soul.

I try!

It's 10:30 at night and I'm blogging.. No I'm not sick, I'm just feeling the effects of a long day with no nap, and 4 hours of sleep last night. So perhaps tonight I will write this early and sleep early and throw my circadian rhythm much closer to a "normal" person's.

(Side note: Does anyone else find the word rhythm ridiculously hard to spell? Here is how I want to spell it- rythmn) That's how I say it phonetically.

Missed my birthday present (that came in the mail today) cause I was gallivanting around town. I will pick it up tomorrow, but I can't use it till my birthday. I will let you know what it is when I'm allowed to open it. ;) Wait... maybe I already told you. Dang, I can't keep my own secrets... someone is probably going to tell me what it is now that I've let the cat out of the bag.

If you followed that last paragraph 30 points to Ravenclaw!

I went to 6 stores today. Did I mention I'm throwing a baby shower this weekend? Thus the 6 stores. Oh and the library. See me being on top of the ball for the first time in 3 weeks or so? ...yeah, don't get used to it.

Was talking to a friend this afternoon and had a moment where I said something and only realized after the fact how very much I believe it. Sometimes you just have to choose to be happy. Sometimes life just sucks and there is nothing that you can do about it and you are miserable and it's really impossible to find the good in the situation and then you have to hold on to the hope... and sometimes being happy is easy and so you don't have to make a choice... but a lot of the time you have two options in front of you... half empty and half full.. or maybe 3/4 empty or 1/4 full. But you can *choose* which way you are going to look at it... in fact often that's the only thing you can choose. Do you take this lemon and make lemonade, and lemon bars, and plant a lemon tree, and put the rinds down your disposal for a fresh lemon scent? Or do you sulk cause you don't like the color yellow? Do you step up to the plate and take a swing even if there are already 2 outs and 2 strikes? Or do you grouse to the coach about how he should have let you play sooner? I try to choose happiness. I try to choose joy. I try to choose hope.

Kara has a story about a professor of her sister's who would ask a question, and if someone answered incorrectly would cry out, "You exactly wrong! But it's ok! You try! He try!"

Splendiferous

Today was, in a word, splendiferous.

I saw a friend in the middle of the day, ran errands with Kara, had Chik Fil A for supper and Starbucks for dessert, played one of the most rolicking games of Phase Ten possibly ever known to man, contributed to/worked on not one but TWO secret projects, and had the following conversation with Katie:

Katie: I have no idea how old this snickers peanut butter santa is. Jill left it in the desk. (Note: Jill was the person who had Katie's job before her, and Jill left last summer.)

Renée: Are you eating it?

 

Katie: Hell, yes.

 

I also watched a Quantum Leap episode, did a load of laundry, and sang my theme song of the day about 40 times too many. 

 

Unfortunately all that doing means the blog is gonna be mighty short tonight, cause I didn't start typing until 3 and I don't want this to take an hour. I tell you, singing your theme song over and over really takes it out of ya. ;)

 

Gearing up for an influx of family tomorrow and a big/heavy weekend. 

Friday is going to be hard: Prayers appreciated.

Love ya all the bunches,

  Renée

It's a brand new day

The human experience is such a roller coaster. Especially my life, right now. I have days where the only thing standing between me and total annihilation is a couple of brownie cakes, and then I have days where things just feel *right.* Where I feel like I can see into the future and I can tell it's all going to work out really well for me and all my friends.

Enter my theme music for today.

I feel a little bipolar, but I think it's just because the lows are so low right now that the highs seem so very tall. I'm sure it will even out, eventually. I mean life is certainly taking the upswing... but then again not sure how it could have gotten much worse, so an upswing was bound to happen at some point.

My family is coming into town on Thursday evening. Then on Friday I walk for Nathan.

Tonight I put away laundry, for the first time in far too long... I *do* the laundry, but it looks so happy there in a pile. I hate to take it away from the party and make it grow up and be responsible. Laundry just wants to have fun. Just like girls. Laundry and girls... pretty much the same thing- that's why women-folk so often get the laundry chore in the first place. It's because of the associations between laundry and girls and fun.

Riiiiiiiiight.

I cut my lip on a brownie cake wrapper. Those foil muffin liners are dangerous! No, you don't need to ask me why I had a foil muffin liner up close enough to my face to cut my lip. That is entirely irrelevant. It's not like I was getting the crumbs off the liner like a crazy person, or anything. Cause I don't do things like that. Especially not when I'm alone and no one can see me *eh hem* not do it.

Other things I have done-- narrowed my filing down to just one huge pile rather than a couch worth of it, in the office. That is quite the accomplishment, lemme tell you. I also got my nails did, watched Burlesque (Cher is still really pretty at age 64... and Christina Aguleria is a better actress than I'd have guessed.). I tried on all my jeans to determine which pairs were absolutely too big to wear, and wrote several e-mails. I'm a rock star.

Also a rockstar? Google's banner. Today they are Martha Grahaming it up and the other day was the "Little Miss, Mister Men" series.  *raises a glass* Here's to you, Google!

Blog of Mildly-Epic Proportions!

I really like watering down hefty words-- Mildly-Epic... Tremendous-ish... Somewhat Awe-inspiring... I think it's funny.

So apparently it rained in Springfield the whole time I was gone. Kara says Springfield missed me. I will accept this, as it makes me feel loved. :) Especially since it stopped raining about an hour after I got back into town.

BTW, I noticed that yesterday I had 75 blog views from the hour of 11-midnight! Did everyone decide to take a late evening blog ramble, or is there one person out there just refreshing his/her page over and over to make me feel good about myself and how interesting I am?

I have noticed a lot of people are blogging lately. I don't think I have anything to do with it... but I think that I'm more likely to notice the blogging, since I started myself. Isn't that normally the way of it? Maybe everyone gave up blogging for Lent, so they are all back with a vengeance.. Or perhaps not. I've noticed that blogging really falls into 3 categories. 1) Themed blogging-- I'm going to write a blog and it's going to be all about aardvarks and the crazy stuff aardvarks do! Here is a  picture of an aardvark! Here is another! Here is a picture of an aardvark with a hilarious caption! This blog will be awesome! 2) Slice of life/anything that pops into my head blogging-- I'm gonna write a blog: It is rainy.... I heart rhinos.... Did you know that Pandora spelled backwards is Arodnap? I think that means something... This blog will be awesome, right guys? 3) Deep meaningful insight blogging-- I'm going to attempt to compose an online log of my thoughts. A treatise, if you will, on how I view the universe, society, and the motivation behind individual actions. I wish it to be inspiring and thought provoking or, failing that, awesome.

My blog is the second type in case you couldn't tell by my prolific use of ellipses.

So driving back in the rain today was... *insert accent of non-native English speaker here* how you say? ... the suck?  Especially when I hit Lebanon and it really started coming down and I couldnae drive the speed limit, Cap'an! I hate not being able to drive the speed limit. I feel peer pressured by all the other cars. No, I really do. They want me to drive faster than is actually safe and risk getting in an accident. I can tell by the way they pass me. They are all like "whooooshhhhhhh." And I'm all like, "Oh yeah? Well, whoosh to you, too, buddy!"

I'm not actually like that... I'm more like, "Ahhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ahhhh! The rain! The raaaaaaiiiin!"

I'm not very eloquent under pressure. Perhaps you noticed?

The salesman called me today at 8PM to tell me he hadn't seen my car yet, but he'd been looking all day and that he was sure they would "drop" it on the lot tonight since today was the last day of the 5 day window. He said he would call as soon as it was ready. I have fed the Jeep the last tank of gas I shall ever give it! And tomorrow I should be driving around my new Prius! Ahhhhh! Prius!! (I'm not super eloquent when I'm excited, either.) Don't be surprised if I visit you tomorrow if you live in Springfield. For serious.

I had a really good day today, despite the driving/driving in the rain. It was pretty well gray and cloudy the whole time I was driving and along the way (probably around Kirksville, for those of you familiar with the drive) I prayed for a break in the clouds so I could see blue sky.... just for a little bit, cause the gray was depressing and making me think about things I didn't want to think about. But I didn't expect to get a break, because my parents like to watch the weather channel in their spare time, so I'd seen more than my fair share of weather discussion this weekend, and I knew it was supposed to be raining pretty well all day and the whole trip. And it did rain pretty well the whole trip. I didn't get a break in the clouds... until I hit Jeff City, when all of a sudden I could turn off the wipers and spot blue sky between the rain clouds. And I thought to myself. "Patience. You can have what you want, if you are just patient." Dunno if that was me or God or meterology failing, but I think it's good regardless.  I want to hurry my life along so much now... I feel so keenly how short life can be, and I just want to *go.* But my sense of urgency isn't necessarily what is best, and I probably do need to re-learn a little patience.

Once I got back in Springfield I sat around for almost 2 hours wanting to do something, without anything to do... and then suddenly in the space of 15 minutes an elaborate plan involving Kara, Chik-fil-a, Ice Cream, and Katie, Jonny, "How I Met Your Mother" and fun fell into my lap. It stopped raining and I saw the sunset, and both times tonight that I got into the Jeep I turned on the car just as some of my favorite songs started. It really is the little things in life. No foolin'.

Quotin' Myself

I'm not sure what it was about today, but I was in a wonderful mood. Maybe it was the sunshine, maybe it was that I had exactly the amount of work that I could accomplish in the day, so I got everything done, but never was sitting around. Maybe it's that I knew my Lyra light was scheduled to arrive today... (It did, Huzzah!) Maybe it's just that today for whatever reason I felt like I am hilarious and witty and beautiful and smart and competent and awesome. Today I *felt* like the girl that Nathan always described when he talked about me. I felt loved and special.

I wish I could take a bottle of today and dab a little behind my ears whenever I'm feeling down.

Maybe I can, because it's called vitamin D.

I can't back down from life... I can't run away because I've been hurt... I know how fast life can change and I feel like I have to pick it up and hold it tight to me, because I can't let it slip away. I said in my very first blog post that "I don't have lofty goals or great desires. I'm pretty simple and straightforward when it comes down to it. I want to be happy." I didn't know how hard it would be, exactly 6 months later (freaky coincidence, eh?) to find that happiness. But I have a joy that I'm eternally grateful for. One might say that it surpasses all understanding.

I found my valedictorian speech yesterday when going through some old papers...  It was based on Ecclesiastes 3:1-8... In case you don't know, that's the "there is a time for everything" passage. It was a pretty good speech if I do say so, myself.... and at the end I say that, I wish my classmates, not success, but happiness, because "life doesn't depend on grades or ACT scores. Life is more about using what you have when you have it." Such a wise 17 year old I was....

I've been thinking lately, about Nathan... and about Nathan's energy, love of life, and spark.. and I know I won't be able to manage it all of the time, and it might seem a bit counter intuitive to some... but it seems like the most fitting tribute to Nathan is for me to not only be ok, but to be happy. To embrace the life he wasn't able to have. To be crazy, blissed out, happy. To smile at people just to get them to smile back at me. To remember how amazing he seemed to think I was and try to pass that feeling along to others so they can feel it too. To embrace the joy, love, and fulfillment that characterized our lives together and to try and find that again, in little pieces or large chunks. My life isn't over and 17 year old me is telling present day me that I gotta use it while I have it.