Home

Disclaimer on this post: Yes, there is a people element to the concept of "home," but I don't really feel like delving into right now. It is also important... maybe some other post...

I was talking to Kara the other day and she told me a short little story. Apparently when talking about their visit to Missouri she referred to Missouri as "home." Josh suggested that she refer to Philly as home and Missouri as Missouri. She then told Josh in no uncertain terms that she didn't appreciate the suggestion. Josh then decided he would let her refer to Philly as home on her own terms.

When Kara told me about this I laughed cause she's feisty that one, but I also sympathized. While I've never moved to another state, I have moved about as far as you can and still be in the state, and I had this issue in college--- where to call home. When I was in Springfield it was easy to call my parents' house "home." But when I went to my parents' house and called Springfield "home" it took a little adjusting --especially for my mom. I remember she had a verbal reaction and that almost never happens. I still regularly refer to both places as home, and I noted something when Kara was telling me this story.

Home is only home when you aren't there...

And then I said that was rather poetic and Kara told me I should write about it.

So here we are.

Another way of saying the above statement is: Home is whereever you aren't.

In the movie Garden State there is this speech about home which is beautiful but, (I think) hecka depressing:

You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your stuff*, that idea of home is gone. [...] You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

*changed that word

It's a speech that resonates with college students-- displaced youth that they are. And maybe it sounds like I'm saying the same thing as the above quote, but I'm not. If you read a little deeper into my statement then it's clear that I don't agree with Garden State.

And what I was saying about home? Well, the thing is that you don't talk about "home" unless you 1) Aren't there, 2) Just arrived there, or 3) Want to remain there. We don't usually notice home when we are experiencing it, but when we leave (or consider leaving) that's how we remember it, because we notice the lack. Kara isn't going to call Philly "home" until both her feelings reflect it and she isn't there.

And the thing is that home spreads out. Her house is home first... When she's elsewhere in Philly it's easy to say, "ok, time to go home!" and mean her house. And eventually that will spread to the whole city, so when she's in New York, or Springfield, or St. Louis and refers to home she will mean Philly.... and then someday maybe soon, maybe not, when she refers to home she will mean like she does when she referred to Missouri it in the beginning story-- the whole state of Pennsylvania.

I do not think that home is imaginary, at all... Yes, perhaps it is a feeling. But so are some of the most wonderful things in the world. Love. Compassion. Empathy. All feelings. All quite real, and very powerful. The character on Garden State is numb-- he's been given prescription psychological drugs to numb his feelings since he was nine (not saying they are bad, just that this character was given/is taking them unnecessarily.) So it's no wonder that he thinks home might be imaginary. Home is a feeling, that he hasn't been able to experience since he was nine.

Free to Roam

Word of the day was: Trolley

I was home last weekend.

You know this, because there was the whole saga of my suitcase and all the pictures.

And I started thinking as I was tromping about on a beautiful Sunday morning, snapping photos.

(And this might be a load of hooey that I just think is deep but is actually complete crap.)

...Does anyone else worry that the things that seem very deep to them are actually not deep at all?

Anyway.. I was thinking that there is something of my soul in that place.. or maybe it's the opposite.

Gosh, it sounds cheesy to write out like that.

But it's my *home* and somehow it's been imprinted on me.

And it's like no matter how far away I go there is a piece of that quiet, that simple beauty that I carry around with me.

And an appreciation of beauty that you see everyday, but somehow don't become immune to, that I learned there.


In some ways it's a relationship that I have with a place... that quiet comfortable appreciation. Somehow you get to know a place even better and get to love a place even more, because of the time spent with it. Because of your history with it. Because it's so dependable. And when I'm there I can't feel out of place. I can't be a usurper because it's as though it was all created just for me. Just so I could be comfortable. Just so I could feel safe. Just so I could feel loved.

I think there is some basis of my understanding of God tied up in it all, too. Not in like some  crazy Native American land-spirit way... but somehow it feels a lot easier and simpler to connect to God in a quiet country morning than anywhere else.

I find a peace and soft strength and a sense of God's incredible power and kindness and I pull it from there like a string, always tied to it but free to roam.

I think I'm trying too hard to be poetic. I think I'm trying too hard to convey what I want to say, because what I want to say sounds so trite... but...

I was reminded just how much of my home I take with me, everywhere I go

I am a cosmopolitan adult... almost.

I gotsta buy me a mat to put under my computer chair so I can roll around... The carpet in this place is nicer, meaning it has texture and is generally carpet like, but it means I can't roll at all and that's sad. I like rolling. It's who I be. It's how I... well... roll.

There is something about coming home from work and studying math for a big muckety-muck test that makes me feel oddly smart and cosmopolitan. Seriously. Yesterday as I opened the freezer I felt like I was a grown woman, accomplishing my dreams and being an adult.

Then I realized I was reaching for the Pepperoni Bagel Bites and I had a good laugh at myself.

I'm just sure that cosmopolitan adults never go near Bagel Bites....

They certainly don't buy them in bulk at Sam's.

...uhhhh not that I buy them in bulk at Sam's. Nope, never ever did that... ever.

I haven't painted my nails in days. I simply haven't the time. (That last line was said in a snooty British accent, btw.) I'm too busy studying a big ole Math book and de-rustifying my brain.

And writing a contributor's bio. (80 of the hardest fought words I've ever penned... clicked... typed. Whatever.)

And blogging.

And eating Bagel Bites.

And ok, ok, I may have watched "The Voice" last night while studying a bit. That's ok, isn't it?

I'm actually pleasantly surprised with my math skills. I looked at the GRE website and I got pretty scared, but apparently my mind is like an old farm truck in the winter. You have to start it up and let it idle for a while, but once it's warmed up, it'll do a heck of a lot more than you think.

That was a beautiful analogy. Be impressed.

I got on the scale this morning and my weight had gone up a bit since the last time I got on it. Which just goes to show you that eating a ton more food can not be balanced out by climbing stairs several times a day.

Guess I need to actually start paying attention to that again. Gotta look good for Lissa's wedding.

I'm really hopeful that after Thursday I will be able to get a heck of a lot more stuff done and I won't go to bed with a huge to-do list still in my mind....

I'm suspicious this won't actually be the case.

Ok, well I need to go be a cosmopolitan adult and write a critique for writing group, and do a bit of video game writing, and of course always more studying... miles to go before I sleep!

Candlelit

So there is a completed bypass at Lake of the Ozarks. It's amazing. Between that and the completed bypass of Kirksville, my trip home now only takes 5 hours rather than the 6 that it used to take me to get home. I arrived in Jeff City in two hours and freaked out. What?! It's only 1 o'clock!?!

A-mazing.

I'm really glad that the Prius is so comfortable to drive for long trips.

Missing Nathan.... trying not to think about it, but... it's hard. He's supposed to be here. Holding my hand during the Christmas Eve service and raising his eyebrows and smiling at me when I look at him. With lots of overly enthusiastic excitement about the holidays (only some of it faked.)

When we started dating the first time, it happened at my house over Christmas break. We'd been hemming and hawing around- not actually committing to a relationship but understanding that we liked each other as more than just friends... and then I came home for the Christmas season, and he went to his house, but went back after Christmas to work the front desk. And I was still here... and we were talking on IM one night and he said he missed me and I said, "Well, come visit me!" And he did. He and two of our other friends just up and decided to visit me and arrived the next day. It was so spontaneous and fun... that night after watching a movie upstairs I went  downstairs to grab some snacks and he came downstairs to "help." (Aka watch me make him a sandwich.) And there in my kitchen we talked and decided to make Renathan official.

He always was kinda into grand gestures.

Couldn't just wait the four days for me to get back to Springfield.

Of course a month later he broke up with me... but obviously that didn't take for long. :)

I thought I'd gone to my last Christmas Eve service alone.

Candles have a strange way of making everyone extra pretty... and me extra lonely and the grief extra hard.

Phoenix

Been writing for my class. It really helped being around Kadin and Jeriah this weekend. Especially since Kadin is around the beginning of the age range that these early readers are gauged for. Reminds me what's important/interesting to a 5 year old.

I've got a post inside of me that will soon come to fruition, I think... it's going to talk about dealing with emotions rather then stuffing them or avoiding them and hoping that they go away because they are not logical. It's not quite there... or more accurately, I have too many other things that I want to talk about and I think this post should stand on it's own. So you just get this teaser for tonight.

Have you heard the  "You and I" song by Lady Gaga??  It sounds *really* country... and she's singing about Nebraska. If that doesn't say country song disguised as a Gaga tune, I don't know what does. She even throws in spoken comments ala early 90's Shania Twain. Lady Gaga: embracing the unexpected since... birth.

9PM run to Wal-mart with the windows rolled down-- Just lovely. I'm happy that I live in the city so that a half hour run to Wal-mart is actually a possibility. I really do enjoy living in the city. I have a great fondness for country living... but going back to it would be really hard.

I loooove cinnamon.. I might even lurve it.

I was reminded of Jerimiah 29 today. In particular, 10-14 :

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Sometimes I hate the verses like this. I want to yell. "I was prospering! What happened to not harming me! I've been harmed! I followed You as well as I possibly could. How could You let this happen? How could You?"

But I also remember the ways that I've been held up through this whole process. How many wonderful people have come alongside of me just as I needed them. How many incredible experiences I've had that can only be attributed to God placing the right people in the right places. How I always seem to have someone to turn to. How big of an impact Nathan has had on people's lives, even without the chance to turn 26.

So sometimes God telling me " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " Sometimes it feels like a warm blanket wrapped around me. He has plans to give me hope and a future... hope and a future where I see only ashes. God's gonna make my life a phoenix.

So many familiar faces, in such familiar spaces...

I went to Foster's visitation tonight... I don't think that I will go to the funeral tomorrow... I don't think I could handle it... not without backup. Seeing him in the coffin was so hard. I hate that color.. I *hate* that color.  I don't know why it effects me so much, but more than anything else associated with death it is the color that bodies turn. It really gets to me... and it's not right. Not right at all.

Something else I was thinking about at the visitation. Memphis is (for all intents and purposes) my hometown. It's where I went to school and it's where all the community shows were, and it's the gathering place. Arbela and Granger are just names to direct mail or people to get to my house, but Memphis is the hometown. I saw a lot of people there tonight that I knew, or recognized, or grew up with in one way or another. And a great many of those people I hadn't seen in 10 years. Whenever I come home I see my family and whomever is at church that week, but I don't see the people from my home town. I mean I keep up with some of them (you) via facebook and several people have told me that they read my blog, which is so sweet... but we don't hang out face to face and I don't really know who they are anymore.

I think that's the strange thing for me. I grew up with these people. We saw each other nearly every weekday for 13 years. I knew them... and then 10 years went by, and now... I recognize them. I recognize their faces and expressions and their hand gestures and their voices... but I don't know who they are anymore.. and they don't know who I am... It makes me kinda sad actually. I want to catch up with them. I want to get a glimpse into who they turned into... But I'm missing the reunion and as I've discovered I'm just as awkward with people who I knew as I am with people who I don't know. I think I've determined that my new line is going to be something akin to, "Ok here's the thing. I'm extremely interested in your life and what you are doing now, but I'm horrible at asking the right questions, so feel free to share anything you want to. Stories welcome, personal revelations encouraged, feel free to ask any questions that you have if you are better than me at it. I care about you, I just don't know how to show it unless you want me to bake you something."

I've been ruminating on something for a while... It comes from a couple of different places, mainly from blogs. A friend from high school started a blog and the first post was about who he is. And then Blogger Idol's first challenge was to introduce yourself, and then a couple of other people who really only know me from my blog mentioned that, and I realized that I've never done an introduction of myself on here. I just assume that the people who are reading it mainly know me, but I don't think this is always the case... and then tonight I realized that maybe the people who I thought knew me don't really know who I am now...  And then I thought, "Heck I'm so non-self aware that maybe even the people who really do know me don't know what I would say about myself." Then again I'm also predictable (or as I like to call it- steady) so maybe they'd be able to guess.  Regardless I think that I'm going to get to work on a introduction of myself blog... you know, nearly a year in seems like a good time to write one. :) So maybe you'll get a bonus blog tonight.. we'll see.

Blog of Mildly-Epic Proportions!

I really like watering down hefty words-- Mildly-Epic... Tremendous-ish... Somewhat Awe-inspiring... I think it's funny.

So apparently it rained in Springfield the whole time I was gone. Kara says Springfield missed me. I will accept this, as it makes me feel loved. :) Especially since it stopped raining about an hour after I got back into town.

BTW, I noticed that yesterday I had 75 blog views from the hour of 11-midnight! Did everyone decide to take a late evening blog ramble, or is there one person out there just refreshing his/her page over and over to make me feel good about myself and how interesting I am?

I have noticed a lot of people are blogging lately. I don't think I have anything to do with it... but I think that I'm more likely to notice the blogging, since I started myself. Isn't that normally the way of it? Maybe everyone gave up blogging for Lent, so they are all back with a vengeance.. Or perhaps not. I've noticed that blogging really falls into 3 categories. 1) Themed blogging-- I'm going to write a blog and it's going to be all about aardvarks and the crazy stuff aardvarks do! Here is a  picture of an aardvark! Here is another! Here is a picture of an aardvark with a hilarious caption! This blog will be awesome! 2) Slice of life/anything that pops into my head blogging-- I'm gonna write a blog: It is rainy.... I heart rhinos.... Did you know that Pandora spelled backwards is Arodnap? I think that means something... This blog will be awesome, right guys? 3) Deep meaningful insight blogging-- I'm going to attempt to compose an online log of my thoughts. A treatise, if you will, on how I view the universe, society, and the motivation behind individual actions. I wish it to be inspiring and thought provoking or, failing that, awesome.

My blog is the second type in case you couldn't tell by my prolific use of ellipses.

So driving back in the rain today was... *insert accent of non-native English speaker here* how you say? ... the suck?  Especially when I hit Lebanon and it really started coming down and I couldnae drive the speed limit, Cap'an! I hate not being able to drive the speed limit. I feel peer pressured by all the other cars. No, I really do. They want me to drive faster than is actually safe and risk getting in an accident. I can tell by the way they pass me. They are all like "whooooshhhhhhh." And I'm all like, "Oh yeah? Well, whoosh to you, too, buddy!"

I'm not actually like that... I'm more like, "Ahhh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ahhhh! The rain! The raaaaaaiiiin!"

I'm not very eloquent under pressure. Perhaps you noticed?

The salesman called me today at 8PM to tell me he hadn't seen my car yet, but he'd been looking all day and that he was sure they would "drop" it on the lot tonight since today was the last day of the 5 day window. He said he would call as soon as it was ready. I have fed the Jeep the last tank of gas I shall ever give it! And tomorrow I should be driving around my new Prius! Ahhhhh! Prius!! (I'm not super eloquent when I'm excited, either.) Don't be surprised if I visit you tomorrow if you live in Springfield. For serious.

I had a really good day today, despite the driving/driving in the rain. It was pretty well gray and cloudy the whole time I was driving and along the way (probably around Kirksville, for those of you familiar with the drive) I prayed for a break in the clouds so I could see blue sky.... just for a little bit, cause the gray was depressing and making me think about things I didn't want to think about. But I didn't expect to get a break, because my parents like to watch the weather channel in their spare time, so I'd seen more than my fair share of weather discussion this weekend, and I knew it was supposed to be raining pretty well all day and the whole trip. And it did rain pretty well the whole trip. I didn't get a break in the clouds... until I hit Jeff City, when all of a sudden I could turn off the wipers and spot blue sky between the rain clouds. And I thought to myself. "Patience. You can have what you want, if you are just patient." Dunno if that was me or God or meterology failing, but I think it's good regardless.  I want to hurry my life along so much now... I feel so keenly how short life can be, and I just want to *go.* But my sense of urgency isn't necessarily what is best, and I probably do need to re-learn a little patience.

Once I got back in Springfield I sat around for almost 2 hours wanting to do something, without anything to do... and then suddenly in the space of 15 minutes an elaborate plan involving Kara, Chik-fil-a, Ice Cream, and Katie, Jonny, "How I Met Your Mother" and fun fell into my lap. It stopped raining and I saw the sunset, and both times tonight that I got into the Jeep I turned on the car just as some of my favorite songs started. It really is the little things in life. No foolin'.

The third book in a trilogy

Another thing I like about a (my?) small town? When you are driving it's common courtesy to wave at every vehicle you pass. I've grown unaccustomed to this living as I do in the "big" city. People are far more anonymous in larger cities... and in a lot of ways I prefer that... but it's kinda nice when you are driving down the road and the oncoming driver waves at you. Or when you are driving in the country and the person in their yard waves at you. Makes ya feel welcome. Maybe everyone feels a little alone out here and so they want to connect to anyone they can. Or maybe they just don't want to endure the ribbing that they would get if they didn't wave hello to someone they are related to, and chances are higher in the country than in most places, so you just wave at everyone.

Things I'm bringing from home, to home: 6 jars of spaghetti sauce, a chocolate meltaway egg that blows all other chocolate out of the water, and will make me not want to eat other chocolate for about 2 years... luckily it's large enough to last for about 2 years. 4 issues of the Smithsonian, and both Fantasia and Fantasia 2000. I figure I should give them another chance as an adult... probably not both at the same time, though.

I've been eating and sleeping like there's no tomorrow here... I think my body might think it needs to hibernate... why it wants to hibernate when spring is here (sometimes) I have no idea.

I'm watching The Lake House right now, with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves... I can't decide if I've seen it before or not... It's not necessarily good, but I'm kinda enjoying it. Makes me want to get a lake house with a magical mail box so that I can write to someone from two years in the past. Preferably not Keanu Reeves though... his eyes are really squinty/tiny. Still I think there is something insanely romantic about a guy waiting 2 years for a girl to sync up time with her. It speaks to my soul... or at least the hopeless romantic/starved for romance part of my soul.... Remember that incredible love story? I can do it again...

please?

Lots of sweet older ladies came up to me at church today... most had tears in their eyes... and my grandmas both had the same look... Ach, that look... makes me wanna break down and cry. It's the look that tells me there is something about me to be pitied. It's the look that says they love me and they wish they could have taken this pain from me. It's the look that says they know, and they are so so sorry. Sometimes it's easier when people don't know... sometimes it's easier when people are "young" (aka my age) and they haven't seen and lived through all the good and bad of life... Sometimes I feel like I'm 27 going on 87... and I just want to go back in time 2 years. I don't even remember what we did 2 years ago on Easter, but if I went back in time I'm sure I'd enjoy it.

My brain is so screwed up sometimes... I want romance, but the only real romance I've ever had was with Nathan... and thinking about love in any way except as a remembering or as a fantasy feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't, when that's not actually true. I know it makes more sense in reverse but what it really feels like is that my brain thinks I'm married when my heart knows that I'm not anymore. My heart wants something that my brain says is off limits... except my brain is out of sync. So I reverse myself about every 5 minutes when it comes to matters of the heart... I know there are plenty of happy-pants answers out there about God being my romance, or about how platonic relationships are just as fulfilling, but I really don't want to hear them. Cause God isn't going to kiss me on New Year's Eve, and platonic friends aren't going to discuss our future children with me, and neither one is going to look at me with that stupid goofy adorable grin that says "I adore everything about you, even your annoying habits" that I miss so much.

But like I said- I'm a hopeless romantic and since this isn't happily ever after, I must be in the second part of a trilogy.... or maybe the beginning of the third, since the second book in a trilogy always seems to end when things are at their darkest. And there is no mistaking when that was.

Yes, I think I've begun my third book. Time to meet me some Ewoks.

Roads

I realized that my picture posts sometimes preclude any deep/semi-deep/personal thoughts, cause I just get caught up in explaining them, so today I'm going to refrain from the niece-and-nephew-palooza (even though we all had a lovely time today- Love you more, Da!) and just show you some pictures of where I grew up.

I don't think I can live at "home," again. I'm too happy with being close to grocery stores and restaurants and movie theatres. I love Springtown and my church family and having people close to my age around. But there are a few things that I love about Northeastern MO... and one of them is how beautiful it is.

 Seriously, idyllic doesn't begin to cut it.

 There at the end of the driveway is where I used to wait for the bus. Every morning- for many years.

 And this is the view from that vantage point... "The road goes ever, ever on..."

It may sound weird but this is one instance where I vastly prefer the Rankin-Bass animated Hobbit/LotR movies. That song was much better for me as the folk-sy song as heard below- Though I really remember it to the beat of the sadder version with different lyrics that is on the right. Either way I prefer this song.

Anyway, as I was saying...

 There is an old barn out behind our house... It's pretty well falling to pieces, but it's really pretty, too, in it's sad, forlorn way. There is probably a parallel to be drawn somewhere from that old barn... either to the loss of the farming way of life, or to the aging dependability of "home." That barn is kinda like the giving tree.

There really isn't a bad view all around my house. It's rather nestled into scenery.

 And that scenery includes cows. You see, not all land is good for planting crops... (Aka all the hilly, beautiful stuff) but that just means you throw some cows onto it- and then they calve, and then: idyllic.

And this my friends is probably why I tend to dislike "country" style interior decorating... Because I grew up in it... only it wasn't on the interior, and to see it anywhere but the outdoors makes it feel fake... or dirty.

Of course it's also the reason I have a bent towards nature designs and a love of western shirts with pearl button snaps that defies all logic...

Rhonda and the kiddos went home so that they could be at their church to help out with sound tonight and tomorrow, so tonight has been much quieter than the past few nights have been and it makes me reminisce. I've lived in the same house all my life. I was brought home from the hospital here and we never left. Coming home always makes me feel much taller for a few days, because I remember it from a shorter vantage point for so many of my memories... But it also brings back old feelings... especially from Jr. High and High School. Growing up in the country (especially this far out in the country) is very very different from growing up in a big town- or even just "town." It's beautiful, and it makes you pretty comfortable with silence, but it's also lonely. I have a tendency to believe there are fewer people in this world than there actually are. (One, because people in my life have a tendency of popping up somewhere in my past or at the same time in multiple ways.) But also because I'm at the place I will always call home, and I could walk outside right now and see every star up in the sky... and probably be the only person outside for miles and miles and miles. That tends to make you feel like we are pretty alone in the universe. I know there are those of you who think this sounds like a little piece of paradise on Earth, but I guess it just proves that I'm an extrovert, because it makes me sad... and wistful... and melancholy.

I think that's the worst thing about cancer... and death.. It's ability to make you feel so keenly alone, even when surrounded by people who want to be there for you and who love you.

Or mayhaps I just feel this way, because I listened to "Road Goes Ever On and On" too many times.

Hard to say. Oh yes, hard to say.

Elusive Silver Gilding

I love cable TV channels. I think this is a fact generally well known to all. Especially Bravo. There is something about their brand of reality tv that I find both fascinating and addictive... but I've not been watching a lot of TV as of late and I think there is a reason for this. I'm at home, as most everyone knows and my parents have cable (well, it's technically satellite) and I've noticed that TV is pretty well chock full of emotional landmines for me. Yesterday, it was a commercial for something where the man was talking about the beautiful things he's seen in his life (and we keep seeing home footage of a girl/lady growing older) and then he says the most beautiful image he's ever seen is the image that the drs used to catch his wife's cancer early, so that she could be cured. And then you see the same woman and a man looking at something in a dr. office, and then even later at like a grandkid's birthday party or something... and it's really sweet, but... ach. Sometimes it's so hard not to ask "Why us? Why him?" But I know that's a hard, sad path to walk, and one without any resolution. So I try to keep focused on other things...

Went shopping today, like old times... well, with the addition of two little ones. It was fun, though, and honestly the kids did great, for being out all day... Plus Mom got to eat at Chik-fil-a twice in one day! I taught Rhonda how to play a game on my PSP... Unfortunately the battery wasn't fully charged so she didn't get to play for long... but I have no doubt if she had she would currently be wiping the floor with my Katamari scores... She's always been better at video games than me... I just like them.

Most adorable moment of the trip went to Jeriah, who seemed to develop a bit of a crush on an Old Navy mannequin. He just went over and gave her a long hug... He stopped just as I got my camera out, so we made him do it again, so you all could enjoy it as well.

True love.

And that's pretty well when I stopped taking pictures while we were out. I had stores to visit and things to buy!

So I'll show you some pictures I took after we got home- Here we see the beautiful Kadin showing off her new purse (seen around head), pink skirt, and shoes. Trust me when I say that the black purse is a much classier purse than the blue sequined dog purse she almost got.



Jeriah got cowboy boots! Those are actually rather hard to find without characters on them. Also of interest: Jeriah wears the same size shoe as Kadin. He is not quite three and she is 5 and a half.

I especially enjoy the one pant leg up, one down look he was sporting pretty well all night... though which pant leg switched a few times.

And! We finished the gingerbread church!

I know you can't see them very well, but those are some really awesome bushes on the side of that church... along with... you know... the roof... and the silver plated floor inside the church. Only in the most holiest of Gummi Bear churches do you see examples of the elusive silver gilded floor.

Magnets and Gingerbread

Well, today has been quite busy. Woke up, showered, went to Memphis, which is not the same town I saw 9 months ago! Had lunch with my grandparents and aunt, went to my parents house, spent most of the rest of the day decorating a gingerbread church and fending off Kadin and Jeriah... Cause decorating an Easter church is more difficult than it might seem, and the help of an almost three year old isn't as useful as it sounds. I took some pictures that I will share with you, though there will be many more on Facebook when I return home.

Firstly, I have mentioned to a few people that my mother is a collector of things.. one of the largest being magnets... then when I mention that she had my dad metal plate the kitchen walls above the chair rail so she could put magnets on them, I get several kinds of reactions- but always a request for pictures. Today, I bring you pictures. This one is taken from the entrance to the kitchen.

Did I mention they are organized by theme? Cause they are.

See where the refrigerator meets the wall there?

Here's a look down the side!

And that's the wall next to the fridge.

She has somewhere around 4,000 magnets, she thinks...  The ones that are up aren't even nearly all of them, She tells me that all the holiday ones are put away upstairs. I so wasn't kidding about the organized by category. I've kinda forgotten how weird it is... and then someone asks me for pictures, and it feels a little bit like I grew up in Graceland and people are wanting pictures of the Jungle Room... What? You mean green shag carpeting on the ceiling isn't normal?

OK, on to the gingerbread church:

You know why we make gingerbread churches at Easter?

1) Cause we like the look of stained glass windows

Sooo pretty! Jolly Ranchers-- Much better as decoration than as a candy.

2) Christmas is already too busy to spend so much time on one project.

And when Rhonda and I decide to spend some time on a project, we really go for it... We decided to leave off one side of the roof of the church to let light in for the windows... but that meant we needed something to go inside... AKA congregants for the church. Luckily, the bear families were willing to come. We are especially proud of our multi-racial family, seen above. :)

Yes, that's a bear preacher... and a bear playing the piano off to the side. No one gets into a project the way those girls formerly known as Miller do!

And this is my saddest moment... You see I had great hopes to make a huge tree for the front of the church... a huge tree that was 3 dimensional and stood up by itself.. It would have been really flippin' cool...But the tree just couldn't take it and cracked under pressure... Mom says we needed to bake the gingerbread longer, or it was too humid today. Considering we had a massive rainstorm, I'm going to say it was the humidity that done her in. Also pictured: dishwasher detergent and my toes.

You notice there are no pictures of the finished product? This is because it's not technically done. The roof needed some drying out time, and we ran out of royal icing, and didn't want to make more... Plus the kiddos were getting restless cause Rhonda and I spent all day working on this rather than solely focused on them.

So you will get finished gingerbread church pictures some other day... and as for today the only other thing I have to say is:

You see those two glorious coconut cream pies? I'm loved.

In which a boy falls asleep

Well, I *was* awoken by Jeriah, but he was being very quiet and just whispering to himself as he played, which honestly is totally adorable, so I will forgive him. Kadin and Jeriah have a fun game they now play called, "climb all over Renee." It is accomplished by finding where Renee is and climbing all over her. I've had my toes stepped on, my ribs kicked, and my ears grabbed about 4,000 times, and I kinda love it... though that might be because I've also been hugged that many times, too. I don't think I realized how much they were holding in when they were seeing Nathan and I when he was sick and for the funeral... Makes me miss Nathan, too, though. He loved these kiddos so much. Kadin drew a picture of him for me... He kinda looks like a white Steve Urkle (how's that for a mid nineties pop culture reference!), but I think it's sweet.

Jeriah is normally loud... like shrieking loud, but he's coming close to being understandable to me... Rhonda still has to translate every once in a while... He also likes to go through my stuff... He put my lotion on his hands about 5 times today and once when we were making the gingerbread (and therefore distracted) he put it on his legs, too... He also found my pumice stone and told me he was going to take it outside because it was a rock.  Kadin on the other hand is obsessed with Angry Birds on my phone. She is very excited about the random golden egg levels you can find, though I've not cleared enough levels to have many. We read 3 or four books today and an American Girl catalog... Wow, those dolls have changed since I was little... They don't even make Samantha, Felicity, and Kirsten anymore! (sorry boys, I know you in all likelihood have not a clue what I'm talking about... but then again, perhaps you do.. I'm sure some of you had sisters!)

I just realized that Rhonda doesn't have her caps lock key on her laptop keyboard. I can't help but wonder it this is because she was always turning it on by accident or if it is a casualty of something (like childrens). I also just noticed that Firefox is not flagging the word "Turing," which is what you get when you accidentally don't type the n in "turning." Assuaging my natural curiosity I googled it and and found out that a Turing test is named for Alan Turing, and it is a "test of a machine's ability to demonstrate intelligence." This has been your ffd.

Oh, for the love of all that's adorable! Just now Jeriah came out to the living room where I'm blogging, crying. (He passed his parent's room on the way.) I asked him what was wrong and if he wanted to go find mommy, and his response was to climb up into my lap and fall asleep. And when I say fall asleep I mean it took him all of about 6 seconds to do so. Melt my heart and make some brownies!

mmmmm melted heart brownies.

Of course, I didn't really know what to do at that point so I just held him for a little bit and then took him back to bed... I figure that's a safe enough option.

Moments like that are pretty much why I can't give up on my future... Too sweet, too precious, too special.

GPS Life Lessons

I have learned some very important lessons today regarding my GPS.

1) It takes a really long time to download map upgrades.... a REALLY long time... I was planning on leaving at 4 or so-- earlier if I could. So I started the map download all unawares. You see I was going to update the maps last night but there was a problem with the security certificate (the problem remained this afternoon but I took a chance... I'm such a rebel!). So I started the map download/update at 3:15 thinking I was giving it plenty of time... or not. I left as soon as the maps were updated... at 6:15.

2) Even though I got the latest update, the poor little GPS is still confused by the awesome new bypasses that have sprung up since the last time I came homeward... He just kept trying to re-ca-alculate over and over.. I'm surprised he didn't just throw his imaginary hands in the air and say, "Blimey! 'Ow did you get over there? There's no' even a road there!" (I have my GPS set to the male British dude.) He calls exit ramps "slip roads" and I think it's just adorable.

3) Never trust a GPS in the country. I know how to get to my sister's house from Kirksville, but my GPS told me to go a different way... I did, thinking maybe it was a better way. It's was NOT a better way! It was a series of 4 or 5 crazy curvy back roads with a posted speed limit of 55 but it's absolutely impossible to actually go 55 on them because of all the hills and curves and road signs with a suggested speed of 35 on the next mile... and those signs show up every mile.  So while the GPS told me I would get here at 11:13 suddenly it turned into 11:26, because it was judging me for listening to MoDot and not careening into the dark at a breakneck pace. (And yes, on these unfamiliar snake roads at 11:00 at night, 55 would have been a pace to break your neck at.) I saw one other car the whole time.  I'm really glad my life isn't a horror movie cause I would be murdered about 45 different ways right now. I think Navi was mad at me for driving on the bypasses... but no Camdenton or Lake of the Ozarks traffic? Heck, yeah!

Yes, I call my GPS, "Navi" ... Yes, it is named after the fairy in Ocarina of Time. It only seems appropriate. I mean it's pretty well constantly saying, "Hey! Listen!"

Well, I think I'm going to try and go to bed now... it's really early for me but I'm tired from driving and belting out songs for 5.5 hours, and apparently my sister is a crazy person who tells my parents that she wakes up at 9 or 9:30. Of course, since Jeriah was asleep when I got here I actually expect to be awoken by pouncing or head butting earlier than 9:00. He's all boy, that one.

Currently avoiding: Packing

That xanga flashback has been brought to you by the year 2004.

I've discovered I don't like packing. I used to. But then packing started to involve crying and hospitals. Every time Nathan had to go to the ER I would cry. He would always calm me down and tell me it was going to be ok... but every time it would just break me down.. at the time when I needed the most to keep it together I would lose it. And packing brings it all back... all the times I was just throwing things into a suitcase cause we were leaving in 30 minutes for St. Louis... or I needed to get back to the hospital to Nathan. It's time to start having positive associations with packing again. I need to go on many happy vacations. I'm actually really excited that Kara is having her baby at Cox, because 1) Hopefully when I go to visit her I will be able to visit the beauties of 5 West and 2) it's going to be a happy time in a hospital... I'm actually really glad that Nathan was at Barnes when he died... because I may never have to go there again, and if I do, it's very doubtful that it will be that ICU.

Guess what? My Prius will be in very soon! It's coming sometime from the 20th to the 25th... which is the time that I will be at home for, unfortunately...Darn missing the awesome gas mileage on this trip! But this will give the Jeep and I one last hurrah, before I have to clean it out... The salesman had previously told me I got the last Prius on the lot for 4 months, and he told me today that they'd heard from Toyota and Toyota is cutting back the numbers you can order and putting dealerships on backlog... (I'm sure it's because of all the horrible things that have happened in Japan lately :( Pray for Japan.) So he told me I actually got the last Prius on the lot for 6 months to a year (except for the used ones that might appear at any moment and be snatched up just as quickly). He said it was divine intervention that I was able to get one. I like to think it was, even if I know that God isn't overly concerned about my car. He's concerned about me and I was concerned about a car.

Just now I was cleaning off my desk and discovered a card with a donation to the Memorial Fund in it... I may have let the mail on my desk pile up a bit... and by a bit I mean a whole lot.... like this was mailed at the end of February... and it's late mid-April. Nathan would be going crazy if he had to put up with the state of the desk right now. When I get back you all have to tell me to clean up the office, cause it's getting bad.

Ok I need to go and finish packing.. I feel like I should say goodbye to you, but that's the wonderful thing about the internet... you aren't actually going to be away from me. You are coming, too!

BTW I will attempt to remember to take pictures so you can know where you are going... with me.

Ok, bye for now. Love you, bunches. Or as Nathan and I used to say, "Love you bunches and bunches of oats... all of them... All the bunches and all the oats.... Love you all the bunches." We had a tendency to create our own little scripts... and we had a thing about repeating the same thing over and over. It's a little hard to explain, but just go with it. I loved him all the bunches.

Remember that?

I leave for northern MO in 2 days...well technically, I'll be in northern MO in two days... I leave in the middle of the day. Don't worry, though, I'm sure my sister will let me use her computer to blog while I'm at home. Oh and for any robber types out there reading this, I live in an apartment complex right next door to my best friend who doesn't work and frequently drops by my place when I am not there to "borrow" Pepsis and movies/TV shows. And my landlord is around all the time, too, Not to mention I don't really have that good of stuff to steal.. so let it go, man, let it go.

Anyway all that to say: I need to pack.... and do laundry. The days have escaped me, so tomorrow night is gonna be a bit of a scramble to get everything together. I do so love a challenge, I suppose.... I'm not actually sure that is a true statement I just uttered.... or typed.

Oh, here's a challenge I love- Song challenge time! There is a rather popular current song where a group of people are singing "When they..." and it's auto tuned... Every time I hear it, I think, "That sounds like they are singing, 'Renée.'" Can you figure out what song I'm speaking of?  Bonus random song tidbit: I like to think that in the song "Dynamite" Taio Cruz is actually singing, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, Galileo." (actual lyric is "gotta let go") I think the song is much more amusing when you think about it being sung to the Italian physicist/mathematician/astronomer. Taio and his homeboy Galileo, gonna rock that club.

Do you remember a while ago when I said that I got news that made me gasp and then sob? Well, I've finally been given permission to blog about it. Kara (and Josh) are having a baby boy! And they are naming him Bolt, which I just love. It's Josh's mom's maiden name and both Josh and his sister's middle names and it's just an awesome name. But the news that made me gasp and cry is that his middle name is going to be Nathan.... for my Nathan. Makes me tear up again, just typing it. Nathan would have been so honored. I'm so touched. I love my friends very much.

Today I was at a meeting where people were talking about our church, and someone said something, that I'm taking totally out of context. He was talking about our church and the things he has seen God do in/through the church and feeling like it could repeat, if He wants.. and the way this person described it was that he felt like God said, "Remember that? I can do it again...." And it got to me, in a big way- though personally rather than in the general church context, as it was meant to refer.  You see, the whole time I was sitting in the meeting I was just so sad, because I was missing Nathan.. I was missing the camaraderie... someone who I can talk to with just a glance... someone whose exact thoughts I know, just by their body language. And then this guy said, "Remember that? I can do it again. And it may not look exactly the same, but I can do it again." And I stopped being able to subtly hide my tears... Because I was suddenly flooded with all the memories of how wonderful my relationship with Nathan was...

I get so scared sometimes that I've used up/ filled up my love card. That God will get back to me when He's matched up all the other deserving people in the world (cause you know that God makes people wait their turn, don't cha?) Or that any other relationship I have is going to somehow be diluted, because I was once married to someone else, or just that something will somehow be *less* than what I once had... and having someone remind me that God can do it again- and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good... Remember that friendship? I can do it again. Remember that understanding? I can do it again. Remember that laughter? I can do it again. Remember that happiness? I can do it again. Remember that sense of comfort and peace? I can do it again. Remember that love? I can do it again. Remember that joy? I can do it again. It got to me... What I had with Nathan doesn't have to end with Nathan's life. Remember that? I can do it again. That and someone hugged me in a, "we love you, and it's going to be ok" kind of a way, just as all of that started to hit. Sympathy: easiest way to cause me to break down, ever... Well that and yelling at me, but sympathy is much nicer.

I think I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve as a part of a community... how to let others see it happen in me. I mean I know I share on here... but in person, I try to keep under control as much as I can. Melissa was telling me tonight that letting others see what's happening in me is good for them.. and in a lot of ways that's a foreign concept to me. I feel like me being strong is good for people. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm "strong" because I'm feeling strong... but sometimes I'm strong cause I don't want to bring everyone down... and admit that I'm not. Oh grief, you fickle minx.

In other news, Nathan's cousin posted this blog link on Facebook that I have to share with you. It's about dying eggs for Easter. Dying them to make the coolest flipping eggs I've ever seen in my entire life. I fully expect the thrift stores in Springfield to be out of silk ties by the end of the day, this is that cool.

Seriously- Look at this.

I might start buying a collection of silk things now- for the Easter of my future children.

"For the Easter of my future children" I really like the feel of that phrase... like it should be in a poem, or the end of a piece of classic literature... It's like a hopeful version of  "the winter of our discontent."

Wow... yes, I did just compare my writing to that of William Shakespeare... My ego apparently knows no bounds.

Nae Comin' Easter!

The mail is a fickle minx... Some days it's great to check the mail... some days I get mail from insurance and debt collectors... That's right, I'm back to the debt collectors... For some reason insurance can't get their stuff together right, and they pay the hospital the wrong amount... and trying to get them to take another look at the claims is ridiculous.... I hate red tape. I hate legalities. I understand the hospitals just want to be paid... I get that.. I get that most people don't have as good of an insurance policy as we do, so they are skeptical when someone tells them that it's not the right amount. But I *hate* being turned over to debt collectors for something that isn't my fault and for something that they won't believe isn't my fault... I don't like confrontation, and that's all this is... it makes me want to hide. It makes me want to sleep all afternoon. It makes me want to run away. It makes me want to cry. I'm not helpless, but this kind of stuff makes me feel like I am.

Well, I just started freaking out, but then I started talking to a friend and he reminded me of something very important things... 1) debt collectors are actually people with the job of debt collecting.... and they probably hate it. 2) They know nothing about me... they just get the math and the math spits out a number to them and the math sends me a letter and 3) I'm not in this alone... I have all of you who know me and love me and know that I'm a good person and this isn't my fault... All of you, who are my friends and don't think I would just refuse to pay a bill, or that I'm trying to cheat the system, or that I'm a bad person.

Oh I didn't claim that the reason I was freaking out was in any way logical or sensible.... If it was I probably wouldn't be freaking out... it's just when I get swept away by my emotions... It doesn't happen too often... I swear those IMDB personality tests just get confused by me... or maybe I'm confused enough about myself that I'm not answering them right.

I realized today that this time next week I will be writing you from Northeastern, MO. I'm going home for Easter. Well, actually for several days before Easter and Easter. I haven't been home for Easter in a really long time, and I'm excited. I'm going to dye eggs with my niece and nephew, and make a gingerbread church. Here is a blog with a gingerbread church-- only theirs is for Christmas time and ours will be Easter time. Have I told you about how Jeriah says, "Nae comin' Easter!" every time he hears my name?? Well, if I've talked to you in person I probably have... a few times, even. I'm kinda inordinately proud of it... and him... Rhonda said the other day Kadin was praying for me and Jeriah said "Nae comin' Easter" about 7 times in a row... gives me warm fuzzies to know he's 1) finally talking and 2) knows my name. There will be other sundry family activities, and it will be good to be back home... See my old stomping ground and the Memphis church family.

There is a song on the radio that goes somethin' like this: 

I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the world I’m coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they’ve forgiven my mistakes
I’m coming home, I’m coming home
Tell the world that I’m coming

Then P Diddy (or whatever ridiculous moniker he's going by now) raps... but I'm always finding myself wishing that the whole song was like the chorus... Not that I think Memphis is anything like my kingdom... maybe my old room might be my kingdom... but that's a pretty small domain... then again, it's not like I want to be in charge of a large kingdom... so I guess it's all going to be alright... and maybe it will rain when I'm at my parents and I can hear the rain on their metal roof... Possibly the most soothing sound in the world.... and maybe the loneliest, too... Maybe I shouldn't hope for rain.