Yesterday's word was suspenders-- I told you the word wouldn't be in the title and two of you still guessed dancing. You crazy kids. I was just alluding to the song in Wicked which was alluding to the scarecrow comment...
So I'm not sure what it is about tonight.. If it's the mercurial weather or being alone or missing Kara or the phase of the moon but I'm feeling disgruntled. Or maybe disgruntled isn't even the right word... I'm not sure what the word is though... melancholy... sad... homesick... lonely.
I feel like I'm in a waiting room... I feel like in some respects I haven't left a waiting room for about three years now and I want out.
I want my person.
I desperately want my person, whoever he is.
I'm so tired of going about my life with the waiting room constantly in the background. The reason I'm waiting has changed from what it was three years ago... but it just means I've moved floors. Waiting rooms pretty well all feel the same. Terrible lonely places where you are somehow completely alone no matter how many people are with you. Places where each entrance brings so much hope and fear and desperation.
Now I'm waiting for a different reason. Waiting to meet my someone, or waiting for him to get a clue, or just waiting and waiting and waiting to no ends whatsoever. (And don't think I'm not *terrified* to write that last one.)
And I'm so discouraged.... and I know that it just takes one entrance and it's possible that from whenever that entrance happens I won't really have to deal with this ever again.
But I don't know when that entrance will be... or if it ever will be.
And I'm strong normally and I'm brave normally, but I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm feeling all the things that everyone tells you that you can't be if you want to attract someone.
And that sucks because it's not fair. No one can be strong and brave and confident and "not worry about it" all the time. And I think I normally do a pretty good job of it, but I'm still human. I tamp them down as well as I can, but my emotions are still there, somewhere.
And I want someone to love that I'm so strong and brave normally... but I want someone who can love me when I'm not strong and brave, cause that's when I really need someone to be with me.
And I don't get it.
I really don't.
By this time you probably know me pretty well, don't you? Hopefully you do and you won't hate me for what's about to happen. Cause I'm about to be honest... perhaps offensively honest.
This might be a terrible thing to say, and it's not even a little bit modest but I think I'm a pretty good catch. I mean, obviously Nathan thought so, but... I believe in myself. I'm sweet and I'm kind and I care about people. I'm smart and I'm funny (sometimes) and I have a decent sense of humor for other people's jokes. I like being affectionate with my significant other but I know how to be restrained, too. I can do planned and I can do spontaneous. I have good morals, and a good work ethic, and I can bake quite well. Kara assures me that my hair these days is fantastic and while I could stand to lose more weight, I'm working on it and I don't think I'm unfortunate looking. I'm not high-maintenance, but I'm willig to take on high-maintenance friends. I'm a good wife and I think I'll be a good mom, if maybe slightly overprotective. I mean I might have a bit of an ego on me that I think all these things about myself, and I can obviously work a bit on my patience, and I know that I'm not the right girl for just any guy... but I don't think I'm universally off-putting, either. I don't think there is anything about me that makes me unworthy of getting someone's attention and I think there is a lot about me that makes me desirable... I'd even go so far as to say there is a lot about me that makes me perfect for someone... but there isn't someone, and I don't get it.
And it scares me so much to think that this is all there will ever be.
Longing to have someone to take care of... and longing for someone who wants to make those tiny subtle gestures that let you know that he cares.
I've never needed or expected a room full of a thousand flowers to know that I'm loved... just a text... or an e-mail... or a knock... just someone saying that he loves me more than he loves anyone else. Saying that I'm what he wants. Someone whose hand I can hold.
The exit from the interminable waiting room.
Forgive my ridiculous selfish-ness and moping, please. I just needed to get it out.
Showing posts with label pity party. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pity party. Show all posts
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Monday, December 19, 2011
Not about knee highs
It's strange.
You spend an entire day sitting around watching TV show episodes with your spouse and you have this cute funny story about that one time you nerded out together.
You spend the same day by yourself and you just feel kinda pathetic.
The knee high socks are probably not helping my self image, but my feet and legs sure have stayed toasty.
What happened to my life? It's like a piece of fabric that got caught in a vacuum and I can't get it out... and even if I do turn off the vacuum, the fabric is going to be grease-coated and dirty and all stretched out. Nothing like what it was supposed to be.
Yeah, I think this has turned into one of those pity party blogs. Sorry. That's not cool.
In other news- recognizing a fake anti-virus before it hacks your whole system and then using a system restore to make sure the problem is eradicated without the help of a single tech genius?
Awesome.
And so is finally coming up with a name for the One Act you wrote months ago.
You spend an entire day sitting around watching TV show episodes with your spouse and you have this cute funny story about that one time you nerded out together.
You spend the same day by yourself and you just feel kinda pathetic.
The knee high socks are probably not helping my self image, but my feet and legs sure have stayed toasty.
What happened to my life? It's like a piece of fabric that got caught in a vacuum and I can't get it out... and even if I do turn off the vacuum, the fabric is going to be grease-coated and dirty and all stretched out. Nothing like what it was supposed to be.
Yeah, I think this has turned into one of those pity party blogs. Sorry. That's not cool.
In other news- recognizing a fake anti-virus before it hacks your whole system and then using a system restore to make sure the problem is eradicated without the help of a single tech genius?
Awesome.
And so is finally coming up with a name for the One Act you wrote months ago.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Art and Unhappiness
Is unhappiness required to create good art?
Something I began to wonder about today. Something about sadness.. about hardship... about suffering makes a person need to express themselves. Something about all that makes you motivated to get it out. For me, to write. For someone else, to paint. For someone else, to dance. But you can write or paint or dance when you are happy. Is there something to the poignancy of the heart that you put into a work when everything else in your life seems to be unhappy? Is it easier for others to connect with pain than with happiness?
The boy who you like doesn't talk to you as much that day. You sit down and write a 20 page treatise on the pain of the human experience.
You hate your job. You sit down and write a 10 page imagining of what would happen if you quit tomorrow.
You are lonely. You sit down and write friends.
Maybe it's not even unhappiness that's required, so much as a restlessness of the soul. When I was content I had no motivation. All I really wanted was to be. Now I hunger for something more... and maybe that's what is needed to achieve.
overall I'd rather be blissfully happy though.
Who is this girl? This girl who writes on this blog? I don't know her. She reminds me of someone I knew once but something happened to her... and this girl took her place... and I don't know where she came from, but she likes things that I never expected and she says things that seem to come out of nowhere.
It's all saints day... I'm not catholic, but I am remembering... It's a lot easier when I pretend the other me didn't exist. When I pretend my life went straight from mid-college to now.
Just to lay my head on his chest and for him to stroke my hair.
Every minor frustration leads me back here... I know how to be happy without Nathan... I don't know how to be sad or frustrated or nervous or scared.
It's not so lofty of a dream, which I think is what makes it hurt so much.
Please, God, turn the page? Let's finish this chapter and start a new one? Please.
Something I began to wonder about today. Something about sadness.. about hardship... about suffering makes a person need to express themselves. Something about all that makes you motivated to get it out. For me, to write. For someone else, to paint. For someone else, to dance. But you can write or paint or dance when you are happy. Is there something to the poignancy of the heart that you put into a work when everything else in your life seems to be unhappy? Is it easier for others to connect with pain than with happiness?
The boy who you like doesn't talk to you as much that day. You sit down and write a 20 page treatise on the pain of the human experience.
You hate your job. You sit down and write a 10 page imagining of what would happen if you quit tomorrow.
You are lonely. You sit down and write friends.
Maybe it's not even unhappiness that's required, so much as a restlessness of the soul. When I was content I had no motivation. All I really wanted was to be. Now I hunger for something more... and maybe that's what is needed to achieve.
overall I'd rather be blissfully happy though.
Who is this girl? This girl who writes on this blog? I don't know her. She reminds me of someone I knew once but something happened to her... and this girl took her place... and I don't know where she came from, but she likes things that I never expected and she says things that seem to come out of nowhere.
It's all saints day... I'm not catholic, but I am remembering... It's a lot easier when I pretend the other me didn't exist. When I pretend my life went straight from mid-college to now.
Just to lay my head on his chest and for him to stroke my hair.
Every minor frustration leads me back here... I know how to be happy without Nathan... I don't know how to be sad or frustrated or nervous or scared.
It's not so lofty of a dream, which I think is what makes it hurt so much.
Please, God, turn the page? Let's finish this chapter and start a new one? Please.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
A book elegantly bound
I've spent a good deal of time tonight reading folk tales from France and Germany. Germans are apparently much blood-thirstier than the French. But you want to know the real conclusion I have come to?? I'm a fairy tale nerd. There are all sorts of nerds in this world... Here's visual proof- There are Star Trek nerds, Star Wars Nerds, video game nerds, computer nerds, science fiction nerds, music nerds, Japanese nerds, ect. And I am a fantasy/fairy tale nerd. I love them. I get excited by adaptations of them, I find the differences in them in regards to culture fascinating. I just think they are great.
Went to dinner tonight with Katie and our waiter was totally cute. The problem is that, as a patron of a restaurant, there is no way to know if a waiter is making a lot of eye contact with you and smiling because he thinks you are cute, too, or if he is doing that to get a good tip, and then he meets up with his girlfriend after work and laughs about all the ladies whom he got good smile-tips from... (I left him a standard sized tip, to avoid becoming one of these ladies.) Or worse! His girlfriend is the hostess and sends all the parties of only girls to his section. That's totally brilliant and evil at the same time. Well played, possible girlfriend/evil mastermind. Well played. But I did check his finger and there wasn't a ring, so I don't feel bad about saying he was cute.
Not sure about if the Starbucks drive-through guy is married or not... so I'll just not talk about him.
P.S. If anyone tells you that I don't have a physical type, they are horrendous liars. Luckily, for all the men-folk out there, I stray from it when given enough incentive. ;)
Honestly all of this cute boy talk is just a smokescreen. I've had such a rough/emotional week that I've started taking it personally... All of it. I've cried more in the past week than I have in a month. And I dont even know where it's all coming from... but it's certainly welling up. It's so much easier from the safety inside a happy marriage to think that dating is easy... that there are thousands of people out there who are/would be interested in you if only you were single. That you would be snatched up in an instant if you were single... but when push comes to shove... those people aren't real, and you find yourself alone and hurting and as confused as all get-out, cause somehow in the course of your marriage your husband managed to convince you that he was the luckiest guy in the world because you chose him... but now no one seems to want to be the luckiest guy... and you don't know why. And you start believing that your fairy tale has run it's course and you are gonna turn into the eccentric old lady who lives in a shoe, decorates the tree in her yard with broken mirror shards, and travels the world to avoid remembering that she's alone.
Now, I'm far more likely to turn to cynicism than desperation... I'm not likely to accept a proposition from the type of guy who would offer a proposition... but I don't really want to turn to cynicism either... I've said it a million times and I still really believe it. I don't *need* someone... I'm capable of living my life as it is. I'm capable of just being the cool aunt to my sister's and my friends' children. I'm capable of doing all the driving and the phone calling and the decision making. But I want more than that... I want to be the not-quite-so-cool mom. I want to have a family to take care of. I want to have a partner in life, again. I just don't know how to get that... cause I'm a girl and not super forward unless I'm at a breaking point and just trying to move on... I mean Nathan and I just sorta fell together.... and I don't know how that could happen again... Lightning not striking twice and all that.
I'm sorry. I try so very hard to be Pollyanna. I try so hard to look for the bright side- to focus on the positive... but I don't know what it is about this week... I just feel like I have so little to give and so much sadness stirring up inside me and nowhere to go with it. I feel like I have to fix something inside me that's irrevocably broken before someone else could love me as more than a friend or sister... or like I have to change who I am for someone to find me attractive and I don't know that I'm willing (or even able) to do that.
I have so much love and laughter and care and passion and fun and joy to share. And cheesy-ness... I have lots of cliches and cheesy-ness to share, too, as you may have noticed. It's like Death Cab says-- I'm "like a book elegantly bound but in a language [they] can't read."
Went to dinner tonight with Katie and our waiter was totally cute. The problem is that, as a patron of a restaurant, there is no way to know if a waiter is making a lot of eye contact with you and smiling because he thinks you are cute, too, or if he is doing that to get a good tip, and then he meets up with his girlfriend after work and laughs about all the ladies whom he got good smile-tips from... (I left him a standard sized tip, to avoid becoming one of these ladies.) Or worse! His girlfriend is the hostess and sends all the parties of only girls to his section. That's totally brilliant and evil at the same time. Well played, possible girlfriend/evil mastermind. Well played. But I did check his finger and there wasn't a ring, so I don't feel bad about saying he was cute.
Not sure about if the Starbucks drive-through guy is married or not... so I'll just not talk about him.
P.S. If anyone tells you that I don't have a physical type, they are horrendous liars. Luckily, for all the men-folk out there, I stray from it when given enough incentive. ;)
Honestly all of this cute boy talk is just a smokescreen. I've had such a rough/emotional week that I've started taking it personally... All of it. I've cried more in the past week than I have in a month. And I dont even know where it's all coming from... but it's certainly welling up. It's so much easier from the safety inside a happy marriage to think that dating is easy... that there are thousands of people out there who are/would be interested in you if only you were single. That you would be snatched up in an instant if you were single... but when push comes to shove... those people aren't real, and you find yourself alone and hurting and as confused as all get-out, cause somehow in the course of your marriage your husband managed to convince you that he was the luckiest guy in the world because you chose him... but now no one seems to want to be the luckiest guy... and you don't know why. And you start believing that your fairy tale has run it's course and you are gonna turn into the eccentric old lady who lives in a shoe, decorates the tree in her yard with broken mirror shards, and travels the world to avoid remembering that she's alone.
Now, I'm far more likely to turn to cynicism than desperation... I'm not likely to accept a proposition from the type of guy who would offer a proposition... but I don't really want to turn to cynicism either... I've said it a million times and I still really believe it. I don't *need* someone... I'm capable of living my life as it is. I'm capable of just being the cool aunt to my sister's and my friends' children. I'm capable of doing all the driving and the phone calling and the decision making. But I want more than that... I want to be the not-quite-so-cool mom. I want to have a family to take care of. I want to have a partner in life, again. I just don't know how to get that... cause I'm a girl and not super forward unless I'm at a breaking point and just trying to move on... I mean Nathan and I just sorta fell together.... and I don't know how that could happen again... Lightning not striking twice and all that.
I'm sorry. I try so very hard to be Pollyanna. I try so hard to look for the bright side- to focus on the positive... but I don't know what it is about this week... I just feel like I have so little to give and so much sadness stirring up inside me and nowhere to go with it. I feel like I have to fix something inside me that's irrevocably broken before someone else could love me as more than a friend or sister... or like I have to change who I am for someone to find me attractive and I don't know that I'm willing (or even able) to do that.
I have so much love and laughter and care and passion and fun and joy to share. And cheesy-ness... I have lots of cliches and cheesy-ness to share, too, as you may have noticed. It's like Death Cab says-- I'm "like a book elegantly bound but in a language [they] can't read."
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Not so great...
so today... it wasn't a good day. It tried to be a good day... but it wasn't. I cried so many times today. I tried not to, but.. it still hurts so much sometimes. And it's like some days are just designed to make you hurt. People say stupid things, and you find yourself in bad circumstances and unrelated things bring up fears and pain... and you find links to incredibly touching songs that just make you sob.
And it's all that I can do to not scream "Why" at the sky. Why do I have to be alone and dealing with this. Why can't I have the man who loved me with me.
People tell me all the time how well I'm handling everything and how amazing I am at dealing with this. But I still have breakdown days, when all I really want is to be held. I still have days when I lose my temper over things that shouldn't cause such a meltdown, and I still think of him a million times a day. What I wouldn't give to just live my life over and over in one day with Nathan. Just stick me in Groundhog's Day for 60 more years, please. Either that or give me something to work with... something to hope for. I don't know how much longer I can be normal and well adjusted and doing so well. I know I can't stay in one day forever and that it wouldn't actually be healthy to do so... I want to heal, I really do. But I'm not sure that I know how to heal on my own anymore.
The brother-in-law of my uncle (the uncle who lost his mom this year and went through the Joplin tornado) was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a few weeks. And my grandfather is apparently having Electrical Cardioversion for atrial fibrillation in the morning. I just found out about it on Facebook, cause I don't think my family (understandably) wants to worry me with medical stuff. But I am worried. Not so much about this particular procedure, but about his health in general... And I'm worried that I don't have Nathan here to get me through this. He promised me that he would get me through the deaths of my grandparents if that ever happened (and I'm choosing to believe that it never will.) Because he's not here and I'm not sure that I can do it on my own... especially not now. I mean how freaking brave and strong do I have to be? Even the bendiest of trees has a breaking point, and I don't really know how I can rely on God any more than I already am.
I don't know what the crap God is doing with my life right now. I know it's something, cause there are too many strange things going on to be coincidental, but it kinda just feels like He's messing with me. That doesn't really fit into my picture of who God is/ what He's about... but there it is.
Ach, time to sleep, and recover from this bright red nose and stuffy head.... and my one woman pity party. Goodnight, for now. Oh and here's the song that I referred to.
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