Grumpy Hermitage

I was a hermit today.

I read a book tonight which is a pretty hermit-y thing to do.

I really don't like stories where the main character doesn't get what he/she wants in the end. Like, what the heck!?! You are going to spend this many pages making us care about the character- Making us identify and laugh and love the character and then at the end you are gonna try and make us be content with a partial happiness?

That's not good enough. In fact, it's total crap.

I want the ending to be happy. I could care less if it's the traditional (aka "predictable") route. If you are going to write a love story the characters need to be in love in the end. None of this "My Best Friend's Wedding" crap.

If you are going to write a coming of age then the character needs to grow and mature into the person we always knew (s)he could be.

If you are writing a mystery someone has to cleverly put all the piece together in the end likely with great peril to themselves.

You may have gathered I'm irritated at the book I just read.

I really liked this character. I'm mad that I'm supposed to be satisfied with an ending that doesn't give her what she wants, even though she's worked so hard and done so much for everyone else.

I know that a lot of people don't love Twilight, but honestly say what you will about Stephanie Meyer. She keeps her authorial promises.

Maybe that's what this comes down to. I can't stand it when someone doesn't keep their promises. Just don't make a promise if you aren't going to fulfill it (or at least try.)

Also I obviously hate leaving my "entertainment" feeling more depressed and fed up with life than I did when I started.

Wand and House

So last Wednesday we had writing group and somehow got on the subject of Harry Potter houses.

And one of the boys brought up Pottermore.

And I thought, "Yeah, Pottermore. I should check that out."

So I did. 

My wand is Cedar and Unicorn Hair, 11 inches, Pliant

Here's what they have to say about that

The unicorn hair core:

Unicorn hair generally produces the most consistent magic, and is least subject to fluctuations and blockages. Wands with unicorn cores are generally the most difficult to turn to the Dark Arts. They are the most faithful of all wands, and usually remain strongly attached to their first owner, irrespective of whether he or she was an accomplished witch or wizard.
Minor disadvantages of unicorn hair are that they do not make the most powerful wands (although the wand wood may compensate) and that they are prone to melancholy if seriously mishandled, meaning that the hair may 'die' and need replacing.

And here's what they have to say about the cedar encasement: (which I was pleased about just because I love the smell.)

Whenever I meet one who carries a cedar wand, I find strength of character and unusual loyalty. My father, Gervaise Ollivander, used always to say, ‘you will never fool the cedar carrier,’ and I agree: the cedar wand finds its perfect home where there is perspicacity and perception. I would go further than my father, however, in saying that I have never yet met the owner of a cedar wand whom I would care to cross, especially if harm is done to those of whom they are fond. The witch or wizard who is well-matched with cedar carries the potential to be a frightening adversary, which often comes as a shock to those who have thoughtlessly challenged them.

 Dude... that's actually a highly impressive summation of my character.

Also I discovered I'm in Ravenclaw-- I've long suspected such. The prefect message that welcomed me told me, "Well done on becoming a member of the cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house at Hogwarts."

Yes, my favorite descriptor word of myself *is* quirky.

As a demonstration of my "perspicacity and perception," tonight I was talking to someone (keep in mind this was before I got my wand and my house assignment.) He said, "I watched some old cartoons on Netflix." and I responded, "What cartoons? If you say ReBoot, 500 points to Ravenclaw."

Yeah he was totally watching ReBoot.

Brains or just eerily talented? You be the judge.

It's 4:22AM...

I've been reading a book since 9. Though it should probably be noted that there are 849 pages and I started on page 145 tonight.

A bit self-indulgent, I know but, I'm treating this week as a vacation, at least in part.

(Side note: I'm pretty sure it would be tremendously amusing  for someone to watch me reading a book... I am a woman of a thousand different reading positions which I move in and out of without conscious notice.)

I will try and get up tomorrow before noon.... actually I'm shooting for around 10:30 given the advanced hour, but we shall see.

That's really all I have this evening. I've been dwelling in a world nothing like this one and I find it difficult to shake it from my mind.

You ever noticed how susceptible my writing style is to whatever I've just read? I have.

I need to go sleep anyhow. My stomach is doing that queasy thing it does when I need to sleep more than I've let myself.

Talk to you upon the morrow

Is he gay or European?

I got a lot of unpacking done in my office today... I almost feel like I'm making good progress!

I also built a bookshelf and managed to wedge it into my closet... and now it looks like it was meant to be there.

See!

I put shelves in it, later.

I also put out all my books, so I've got a ton of empty boxes in my hallway.

And I realized that I have a poster that is perfect to hang over my breaker box.

Yes, that's probably going to be a pain if I have to flip a breaker, but... it's so ugly!

I also have all my nail polish up... Did I mention my dad made me 2 more spice racks for my polish?

Which basically only means they aren't all squished together now.

Yep.. I also have a ridiculous amount of stuffed animals.

Lord help me, I'm so girly sometimes it's scary.

Of course, I can also carry a bookshelf upstairs, assemble it, and finagle it into my office closet all on my own.... so I guess I can hold my own.

Tomorrow is Easter... well, today, actually I suppose. Happy Easter!

I can't decide if I want to get dressed up or wear my favorite flannel shirt...

I am apparently struggling quite a bit with my gender associations today.

So today I went through the McDonalds drive-through, and the adorable young man in the drive-through window (who I'm almost sure is gay) oohed and awwed over my car. Then he said, "Next time you come through I'm not going to give you your food until you give me your car."

I said, "That's gonna be a problem. I don't think I can do that."

So then he looked really sad and said, "So you won't come back through?"

I said, "I guess not."

He responded, "Well, how about you come through and you can keep your car, but if you never come through again, then I hunt you down and take your car?"

I said, "I think I can work with that."

He said, "Ok, then, I'll see you next time. Have a good day!"

I said, "Thanks, you too."

It was, all in all, a highly enjoyable exchange.... in the McDonalds drive-through.

You can argue that he was probably 12, he was most likely gay, or he's just a super chatty guy, but I choose to believe he fell in love with me.. (or possibly my car) at first sight. Maybe he finds my adoption of all the gender stereotypes at once attractive.

A friend of mine recently said, "I think everyone should assume that people are secretly in love with them. The world would be a better place."

I think he's right.

Velociraptor incident

Having a missing day.

Pioneer Woman had a post about a cowboy funeral.

And I saw that Ender's Game is being made into a movie, and I thought about how excited Nathan would have been.

And how he never got to read any books in the series except the first one.

And how much he liked it... and would have liked the rest of them.

And I just wish he could be here to finish so many things he didn't get to.

And to see me hold Bolt and how smiley Bolt is with me.

And to hold Bolt and for Bolt to be smiley with him.

And for that to melt me into a pile of goo.

And to talk to me when I'm irritated with someone or something.

And to give me his opinion on perfume.

And to tell me I'm beautiful.  I miss that *so* much. I can't even begin to explain how much and how often I want to hear that I'm beautiful because he isn't here to say it to me.

And I'm afraid to say any of this.

I fight really hard to prove that I don't have emotional baggage, to show that I'm ok, to prove that I can and am able to move forward... and sometimes it feels like if I admit that I miss him then I'm throwing the markers that people use to judge how I'm doing down the drain.

Admitting to missing him is like a Velociraptor incident in this sign.

Only I don't even get days- I get interactions, so if someone just reads this blog post and doesn't read another post for a month I'm stuck in their head where I am right now, and my emotions just aren't that fixed.

I'm in a good place, but there is no way to prove it to anyone... cause I'd say it, even if I wasn't. I can only show it and that takes so darn long. Everything takes so darn long.

I don't want to have to start from scratch. I don't want to be realistic or fair. My life was already exactly where I wanted it to be and I want to pout about it, but that will just take up time that is already gone.

I don't even know how to explain it, but missing Nathan makes me so impatient for the rest of my life to happen. It's like I have to live for the both of us, and I'm just standing around.

Hi, my name is Renee and it's been 10 seconds since my last Velociraptor incident.

Reading, Writing, and Funfetti

I've started to reread the Indian in the Cupboard... and I realized now that I've actually embarked on writing a YA novel that I really pay attention to how authors write. I have to keep reading and plow through to let my brain disengage... It's a little sad, actually.  But good for me. If I'm going to be an author this is the type of stuff I *should* be paying attention to, rather than just relying on my instincts.

Don't get me wrong, I think I have good instincts. Honed from reading millions and millions of books.... ok maybe thousands and thousands... but good instincts nonetheless. But it might be good to be aware of the choices I'm making so that I can defend them if need be.

I thought the other day while reading over someone's work. "Why didn't I become an editor?" I really enjoy sitting with a colored pen, marking up manuscripts.... but maybe that's why. I'm too much of an old fuddy-duddy, still marking manuscripts by hand when I could be digitally editing... there is just something so comfortable about sitting there reading a physical page with a pen in your mouth. Especially if it's something you enjoy reading, rather than a some scholarly paper or an instruction manual.

Maybe I wasn't supposed to yet. Maybe I there were some experiences I needed to have and some time that needed to pass before I was ready... I never actually knew I was a writer until the past few months.

Dreams and plans can change so fast... and so slow.

Hey! I found a Funfetti sweater!!! I'm so excited. I just had to go to the Jrs section to find it. Oh Arizona company... I still love you, even after all these years.


It kinda looks like this

only with buttons

And the most important part is that when you see it up close it looks like this:

Funfetti!!

in brief

It's really difficult to reformat something that you've written in a way that makes sense to you into a way that makes sense to the rest of the world.

I battled with my storyboard for class pretty well all night and I still don't know if the end result is what it was supposed to be.

I'm the first person to post so I think everyone else is struggling with it, too.

I'm re-reading my blog-- I'm on June 22nd. I have a lot to say!

OK I know it's only 1AM but I'm really tired, and there is a lot that needs to be accomplished tomorrow, So I think I will bid you goodnight.

I want to read a book... but I don't have much time, because I'm trying to write one...

Quite the conundrum pie I've got here.

mmmmmm pie.

Why the ending matters

Can I just say I'm so mad at Dawson and Joey...  ** there may be spoilers in here for the .03% of you who've never watched the entirety of Dawson's Creek and still somehow care about not reading spoilers from a show that's been over for like 6 years.... .03% is too large a number, isn't it?**

I know, how sad am I? I'm talking about a couple of TV show characters like they are actual people. The writers do such a good job of making me care about these two kids, but then the forever "will they, won't they" tension just drives me up a wall. And both of them act like such complete morons. If you say you are in love with a girl and she says she is in love with you, you call her. You talk to her, you don't start dating other people. If you are so in love with a boy that you are willing to buy a plane ticket to Paris just to catch him before he leaves the airport in the most grand of all movie-style gestures and you are willing to put it all on the line by saying that you love him and then he says that he loves you back, you don't just not call him all summer long. Then if he royally screws up (as you know he is going to, because you've known him since he was three and when has he ever not screwed things up except for the time that you screwed things up?) You don't throw the baby out with the bath water. You remember that time you screwed everything up, and you give the guy a break/second chance/400th chance cause if you really believe you two are soul mates then maybe you should believe him when he says that he knows he screwed up and he's trying to fix it.

 Maybe I should have stopped the first time they kissed. Maybe I should have stopped when Joey said, "It's just lipstick, Dawson." Maybe in these tv relationships it's better just to call things off  as soon as you get the ending you want, because sooner or later (and on Dawson's Creek it's always sooner) your ending is going to get ruined. I mean who keeps watching something that just works out and keeps working out? There's no story in happily ever after. That's why complete lifetimes can be summed up in three words.

Happily ever after.

Sometimes I think maybe I *would* watch a show where people are happily married/in relationships and were just exceedingly funny. I mean I like my own life/friends and that's pretty well how it works with them.

Anyway, none of that dissection really matters, and it doesn't really matter that I'm 6 years too late to the party or that if I really thought this through I'd realize that very few people reading this have been able to stick with me through this whole diatribe. Cause you know what?  I'm ticked off at two tv show characters. Still. Both of them. Dawson is a stupid jerk and Joey is a moody drama queen.

I watched an anime movie once with Nathan that we both mocked mercilessly, in part because the theme song was John Denver's, "Country Road." and in part because the translation from Japanese to English was really bad and once the girl walking down the road started yelling, "stupidjerk,stupidjerk,stupidjerk" and neither of us was sure what the "stupid jerk" had done to be labeled as such. So whenever anyone would make us mad from then on, the other person would say, "stupidjerk,stupidjerk,stupidjerk" and it would make the person who was mad smile. And I realized that, no one would get what I was referring to when I called Dawson (who was in fact a stupid jerk) a stupid jerk. And it kinda broke my heart a little bit.

I saw a gray Jeep Cherokee in my parking lot yesterday evening, and my heart seized in my chest for just a second. For just one short short moment in time I thought he was home. And I was *so* happy to see that Jeep.... and then I was so mad at that Jeep. That brief moment of hope can be so devastating.

But you see this is why I need Dawson and Joey to just freaking get it right for once... Cause if I end this, the last season of Dawson's Creek, with Dawson and Joey not finally getting it right, I'm going to be so upset. If they end up just saying goodbye in some terrible cheesy montage of all the Dawson and Joey moments and then the viewer is left believing that they just send each other Christmas cards and courtesy phone calls upon engagement and first children. If Dawson and Joey, who have their lives scripted can't get a little piece of happily ever after. If after everything they've gone through they don't get the happiness that we all know they can only find in each other and have to settle for... not-quite-Joey and not-quite-Dawson. Well then, what chance to the rest of us poor slobs have? I want to believe in happily ever after. I want to believe that after all the twists and turns and ups and downs and loop-de-loops happily ever after still exists... and that mine is out there, waiting for me down the road a short piece. But if Dawson and Joey can't make it work... how the heck can I? I mean, honestly my life has been just as drama filled, if not more than Dawson's or Joey's... so if they can't pull it out and turn it around... just doesn't make me feel so good about my chances... after all, I don't have 40 million fans telling the writers that they have to make it work out in the end.

It's just that happily ever afters keep me going. They are the fuel of that keep me out of angsty morose-land. They give me hope, which, not gonna lie, I still need- in spades.

Do you remember the "Everything I need to know" poster phase? There were "everything I need to know about life I learned from..." posters everywhere and the things they learned from ranged from kindergarten (maybe the first poster?) to Star Trek, to "my girlfriends."

I feel like that's what this post is shaping up to be.



Everything I Need to Know About Life I Learned from Dawson's Creek.



Good gravy, how sad would that be if it were true. No wonder the aliens want to destroy us, and only Hoolan can see our potential.

Seriously, if you've never read the "My Teacher is an Alien" series by Bruce Coville, you need to. Go to your local library. Now. Before we stop being friends.

Pride, Prejudice, & Great Expectations

Tonight I watched a movie/British mini-series called "Lost in Austen." Basically a girl goes through a door and into Pride and Prejudice (Elizabeth Bennet switches time/places with her), the girl proceeds to makes a right mess of everything and then has to fix it all up again.

What is it about Mr. Darcy? How can he be so insufferable and yet we still love him? He's such a jerk, but in the end, he's standing there, just hoping to be loved, and he steals away our hearts... that and he uses phrases like "ardently admire and love you."

I wish to be told how ardently I'm admired and loved.... or if not told, to at least know how ardently I'm admired and loved.

I have really high expectations but no earthly idea of how they will be fulfilled. I don't expect some guy to be perfect, but I expect him to be my version of Mr. Darcy. It's a strange juxtaposition.  Sometimes guys get angry when girls swoon over Mr. Darcy because they think they are being held to this fictional standard. But honestly, Darcy is a bit of an... well.. it rhymes with brass. Most guys who would get mad at the comparison would also come out ahead in the competition...

There is something in my head about expectations, though I'm not sure what it is, so I will just start typing and perhaps it will out.

There are all these qualities in my head that the right guy should and shouldn't have.  Christian, smart, funny, handy, articulate, generous, kind, handsome, dark hair, light eyes, beardless, wants children, some kind of artistic leanings, doesn't smoke, drink, cuss or scowl, slow tempered, self-assured, quick to smile, willing to play along with my goofiness, holds open doors, packs vehicles well, helps elderly ladies across the street... the list could go on and on and on...  But the thing is... the perfect guy for me isn't going to have all those things. Heavens knows Nathan didn't. The perfect guy for me is the one who makes me not care about the list... In the end that's what it comes down to. Do we resonate? Do we understand each other? Do we click on some level that's not even tangible? Because if we do, I won't care if his hair is blonde or he can't drive a nail to save his life or if he's as stubborn as a barrel of mules. Who he is will throw my expectations aside, and I'll discover all these other fabulous little things about him that I never would have thought to put on a list of desired characteristics, but I've discovered are completely swoon-worthy. And he'll have flaws that will probably drive me up a wall on a regular basis, but I expect those too. I couldn't live up to a perfect man, being as I'm imperfect, myself.

 I have this man in my head. He's taken up residence in my heart. I don't know what he looks like or his gestures or his smile, yet I know him. I have these expectations and I just can't wait to see how he meets them and exceeds them and is greater than any construct that only lives in my mind could be, because he's *real.* And for my part I will love him and care for him and do my very best to make him the happiest man to grace this Earth.

I'm not looking for a perfect man... I'm looking for a man who is perfect for me... and the reason why I like Mr. Darcy is that Mr. Darcy reminds me of him. Heck the reason why I like every guy is that they remind me of him. And that shouldn't be scary... that should be comforting, because while it's a lot to live up to... it's also nothing to live up to.

The Wolf Argument

Upon further contemplation, even if I can pull off spring green nails, I'm not sure I want to.

Today in class we discussed versions of Little Red Riding Hood stories.... of what these stories say about our culture. Of the themes that we can pull out of them and I realized something about myself in the midst of a discussion. We were talking about a Little Red Riding Hood book that was set in the southwest- In the desert, and in this book her mother warns her not to stray from the path, because it's rattlesnake season. Then LRRH meets the wolf and the story happens and at one point in the book you see LRRH's horse has apparently stepped on a rattlesnake because it has stars around it's head but it isn't actually mentioned. I didn't even read this book, but someone asked why the author talks about rattlesnakes when those aren't the danger of the book, and they kinda started to bash the author for this, and finally I said, "Because maybe the things that you are warned about aren't the things you really need to watch out for."

My teacher looked at me strangely- cause who says that rattlesnakes aren't something you need to watch out for? Then she said, "Well, I think rattlesnakes are deadly. If one bites you you have to get the venom out within hours..."

I interrupted her and said, "I'm not saying rattlesnakes aren't dangerous... but they give you warning. The mother in the story gives her warning and rattlesnakes... well, they rattle. She knows about the rattlesnakes and their danger... They can be avoided. But she doesn't have a warning about the wolf and that's the real danger to her..."

And then my teacher said, "So in real life, you are careful of the rattlesnakes, but sometimes it's the wolves that get you."

And then I realized that I was feeling so strongly about defending this author, cause I've been warned about a whole host of rattlesnakes, and managed to avoid every single one as if it wasn't even there. But that stupid wolf... that's what got me and I had no warning at all. Sometimes you do exactly what you are supposed to do, all your life. You follow all the instructions and you are just the very best person that you know how to be and still you run into a wolf. But maybe that's not the best theme for a children's book, and maybe that's not what the author was trying to say... she just wanted to make her book more authentic..

I don't really know, but my teacher thinks I have a very strong argument.

Chinese Rainbow story, or: Get Some Flippin' Gumption!

Three books read in 2 days... plus a children's picture book written (it's not good but at least I've written something, so I've gotten my feet wet and now don't have to be intimidated.) I've also watched 4 episodes of Gilmore Girls, discovered their brilliant notion of S'moreos in a deleted scene and read far too many folk tales.

I read this evening the Chinese tale of how the rainbow came to be... and it's kooky, lemme tell ya.

Apparently a girl's father dressed her up and had her pretend to be a boy so she could go to school. Oh yeah and there was this boy, who was the same age and their fathers were friends, so they became friends, too. So they went to school and grew up together, and all the while he thought she was a boy. (Hey! It's Yentle!) And of course the girl eventually fell in love with the boy but was afraid to tell him. Then her father died and her sister-in-law arranged a marriage for the girl and made her come home. So the disguised girl went home but not before singing a song to the boy about how she is actually a girl and wants to marry the boy. He is a numbskull, apparently, cause he didn't get it, and basically says, "Ha! See ya next term, buddy!"

So then she went home and eventually the boy missed his pal, so he went to his friend's house to visit and found out his pal was actually a girl-- and then he discovers a whole bunch of love letters she'd written him, but he couldn't see her as she was in isolation before her marriage so basically he stopped eating and died.  The girl heard the news and was devastated and on the day of her wedding the girl made the processional stop at the boy's grave and cried a whole lot and then said to the grave- "If we were supposed to be man and wife, open up" --and the grave did, she jumped in and it closed up again.

Now, dude who was supposed to marry the girl was understandably ticked off so what does he do? He has them dig up the boy's coffin. But the only thing inside were 2 white stones.. which they threw into the road cause they were so mad, but where they threw them, 2 shoots of bamboo immediately sprang up... and then they cut those down (at the same time) and then the stems "flew up to heaven" to become the rainbow... and the boy is red and the girl is blue (which seems kinda stupid since those colors are nowhere close to each other.)

If this were a European folk tale, the only people dying woud be the sister-in-law and the mean guy who was gonna marry the girl despite the fact she loved someone else. Oh China! I mean homeboy doesn't even try to save the girl from this marriage... he just finds out that she's a girl, finds the letters, and mopes himself to death.  And for this he gets to become a rainbow?! Bah.

I think Europeans prized gumption a little more than the Chinese did back in the era of folk tales.

Why I hate "Inception"

Have I told you about how much I love Tamora Pierce as a writer? Cause it's a lot. I know she's a YA Author.... but seriously her books are just so blamed good. And it's not just because she pretty well only writes about strong female protagonists- Though I like that about her too. Been up reading one of her books and honestly could probably start on another if it weren't already 2:30.

One of the reasons why I really like my new class/ professor is that she went on a mini-rant on the first day of class about how our writing had to have endings and closure. That adults will deal with ambiguity but children will get mad at you or call you lazy... and if anyone has heard my rant about Inception, then you know how much and strongly I identify with that sentiment.

Inception rant summed up: They made an incredible movie. It draws you in and somehow makes sense even with all the insanity inherent in the premise... and then they completely punk out on the ending, leaving it ambiguous. Make a CHOICE! It makes me mad. Yes, I realize I might not be rational on this argument but it feels like everything that wrong with the world. The inability to commit somehow made into a virtue. BAAAAAH! Choose and then deal with the consequences.

Needless to say, you shouldn't take this up with me. Cause contrary to my normal laid-back nature and cool demeanor, this is a topic that I won't cede and I will fight you about. It's best to just let it lie. I know, some people feel this way about politics or civil rights or important things... I feel this way about a movie ending. Just call me Dawson Leery.

God's really good at bringing who you need into your life when you need it.. I should remember that and remember that just because I think I need something doesn't mean that God does. I'm not very patient, though. I don't know that I ever have been. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately?) I'm not a settler, either (except of Catan). But if there is anyone in this life who has seen God bring the exact right person at the exact right time, it's me.... How quickly we forget how very much we've been blessed.

A book elegantly bound

I've spent a good deal of time tonight reading folk tales from France and Germany. Germans are apparently much blood-thirstier than the French. But you want to know the real conclusion I have come to?? I'm a fairy tale nerd. There are all sorts of nerds in this world... Here's visual proof- There are Star Trek nerds, Star Wars Nerds, video game nerds, computer nerds, science fiction nerds, music nerds, Japanese nerds, ect. And I am a fantasy/fairy tale nerd. I love them. I get excited by adaptations of them, I find the differences in them in regards to culture fascinating. I just think they are great.

Went to dinner tonight with Katie and our waiter was totally cute. The problem is that, as a patron of a restaurant, there is no way to know if a waiter is making a lot of eye contact with you and smiling because he thinks you are cute, too, or if he is doing that to get a good tip, and then he meets up with his girlfriend after work and laughs about all the ladies whom he got good smile-tips from... (I left him a standard sized tip, to avoid becoming one of these ladies.) Or worse! His girlfriend is the hostess and sends all the parties of only girls to his section. That's totally brilliant and evil at the same time. Well played, possible girlfriend/evil mastermind. Well played. But I did check his finger and there wasn't a ring, so I don't feel bad about saying he was cute.

Not sure about if the Starbucks drive-through guy is married or not... so I'll just not talk about him.

P.S. If anyone tells you that I don't have a physical type, they are horrendous liars. Luckily, for all the men-folk out there, I stray from it when given enough incentive. ;)

Honestly all of this cute boy talk is just a smokescreen. I've had such a rough/emotional week that I've started taking it personally... All of it. I've cried more in the past week than I have in a month. And I dont even know where it's all coming from... but it's certainly welling up. It's so much easier from the safety inside a happy marriage to think that dating is easy... that there are thousands of people out there who are/would be interested in you if only you were single. That you would be snatched up in an instant if you were single... but when push comes to shove... those people aren't real, and you find yourself alone and hurting and as confused as all get-out, cause somehow in the course of your marriage your husband managed to convince you that he was the luckiest guy in the world because you chose him... but now no one seems to want to be the luckiest guy... and you don't know why. And you start believing that your fairy tale has run it's course and you are gonna turn into the eccentric old lady who lives in a shoe, decorates the tree in her yard with broken mirror shards, and travels the world to avoid remembering that she's alone.

Now, I'm far more likely to turn to cynicism than desperation... I'm not likely to accept a proposition from the type of guy who would offer a proposition... but I don't really want to turn to cynicism either... I've said it a million times and I still really believe it. I don't *need* someone... I'm capable of living my life as it is. I'm capable of just being the cool aunt to my sister's and my friends' children. I'm capable of doing all the driving and the phone calling and the decision making. But I want more than that... I want to be the not-quite-so-cool mom. I want to have a family to take care of. I want to have a partner in life, again. I just don't know how to get that... cause I'm a girl and not super forward unless I'm at a breaking point and just trying to move on... I mean Nathan and I just sorta fell together.... and I don't know how that could happen again... Lightning not striking twice and all that.

I'm sorry. I try so very hard to be Pollyanna. I try so hard to look for the bright side- to focus on the positive... but I don't know what it is about this week... I just feel like I have so little to give and so much sadness stirring up inside me and nowhere to go with it. I feel like I have to fix something inside me that's irrevocably broken before someone else could love me as more than a friend or sister... or like I have to change who I am for someone to find me attractive and I don't know that I'm willing (or even able) to do that.

I have so much love and laughter and care and passion and fun and joy to share. And cheesy-ness... I have lots of cliches and cheesy-ness to share, too, as you may have noticed. It's like Death Cab says-- I'm "like a book elegantly bound but in a language [they] can't read."

Short post

Consider me insanely happy that I don't have to get up in the morning for anything.

I read another book last night... this one was 578 pages and I was up till 5:30.  that's 5:30 AM.

I know.

That's not enough sleep plus a rather frustrating day at work.

Then the video game arose from the depths with lots of little last minute things I need to do on it... at the same time that friends wanted to go out to eat with me, and I needed to bake a cake and make stuff for a baby shower.

Though honestly all that stuff was nice/fun enough that it helped cancel some of the work frustration.

Office work can be so irritating sometimes, because you just do the same thing over and over again... the thing I like about the videogame is that there is a deadline and lots of little projects to cross off of lists and nothing is ever quite the same.

Plus - this might not make sense to some, but I've discovered that if I'm busy it's a heck of a lot easier to focus... it's also easier to focus if you take a 20 min nap... though hard to actually get up from said nap. Trust me, I know these things.

Everything got done that needed to, well everything except perhaps a blog post of reasonable length.

A Lot on Reading and a Little on a TV Show

So yesterday I went to the library and picked up 7 books and a CD. I do not think this is notable, especially as I had turned in 10 the day before. Basically what I do is I request a whole bunch of books from the library. (My hold list is usually somewhere in the 20's) They all have different amounts of other people's holds, which means that I get the holds at different times (I freeze the ones that are later in the series if the 1st one has a bunch of holds, so that I move up the queue*, but do not actually get the book till I tell them to unfreeze it.)  So usually I get 3-4 books every 3-4 days, and it works out nicely. However sometimes I hit a streak where I get a LOT of books all at once, it's usually followed by a lull, so it's fine by me, and honestly reading a book a day is not at all unusual for me. I read books and cook/watch tv/do stuff on the computer and just read by itself. It does mean that I don't pay a whole lot of attention to poor Nathan- sometimes he just comes and sits next to me and that's how I know I need to put the book down and pay attention to him. I couldn't really do it in college cause there was so much else going on, but this has always been the way with me and books. I love them so. What I like to read and why is a whole other subject matter, but not really the point of this here ramblin' paragraph. What IS the point is that yesterday when I was checking out the librarian asked me if I wanted to keep my little hold slips of paper in the books. I shrugged and said I didn't care. This apparently threw her for a loop because she didn't know if I was an "any old scrap of paper will do" bookmarker or a "I have a fancy-pants bookmark" bookmarker. Apparently I *really* boggled her mind when I told her that I actually just remember the page number. I didn't think this was that big of a deal. I only read one book at a time, normally, and sometimes I use a bookmark, but it's not that hard to figure out where you were in a book, even if you don't remember the page number. Granted it's not that unusual for me to not need a bookmark, because I read the whole book in one sitting, but from this lady's reaction you would have thought I had just transformed into a demigod. "Oh you just REMEMBER the number? I don't hear that very often. You just *remember* it?" *flabbergasted flabbergasted flabbergasted* This has led me to believe that either my whole life I have lived the lie that you do not need a bookmark, or that this lady is a little nuts. Now while the first would explain the fact that they *sell* fancy bookmarks, (which does shock/confuse me a bit) I think the latter is probably the case. What say you?

Also Nathan and I have been watching "How I Met Your Mother" and I love it. I love it so much that I've been wondering how much it would cost to just go out and get the next disc from the video store so that I don't have to wait so long for net flix to deliver it... or how much just purchasing it would cost. Honestly I probably *shouldn't* delve into how much purchasing it would cost... cause then it will always be there in the back of my brain. Tempting.... tempting... tempting....   But seriously, TV on DVD? Possibly one of the greatest inventions of this century... Though I doubt Hoo-lan would agree. Ok I need to go and eat something... and probably start reading, again.

* I would like to thank Roller Coaster Tycoon for teaching me the word queue, but I still don't understand why it is not pronounced K-yoo-ee. The extra ue are like que's trophy wife.