Vulnerability: The First

Today Melissa and I were talking about something... and then the same subject came up on a television show I watched online... and then again in a different way on a different show. (To be fair I also read an entire Shakespeare play this evening, so don't judge me too harshly.) So because the same subject came up so very often today I thought I would talk about it.

Melissa and I were talking about Brené Brown's book. She is reading it and recommended it to me. I know of Brené Brown from a couple of TED talks that she did that I love. (I blogged about them here.) Melissa and I were talking about communication and being yourself and being straightforward and power dynamics and the lack of power dynamics. And that got us on the subject of admitting ones needs/wants/desires.

There is something in us, and I'm not sure if by "us" I mean "Americans" or I mean "human beings," but there is something that feels like we should not admit what we want or need. That somehow, by being honest about who we are, we are displaying weakness and declaring ourselves pathetic. No one wants to be thought of that way and so we hide our wants and desires. We don't share what we actually want, deep down, because we are afraid that we will be judged for it -- labeled as "needy" --or we will be told no and that will hurt.

So we bottle it up and tamp it down and generally try as hard as we can to avoid being vulnerable. Brené Brown says that vulnerability is essential to living a full and content life, though, and while I've not read her book I do greatly agree with those TED talks, so I've put her book on hold at the library.

Then I was watching Hart of Dixie, (because I'm totally hooked even though I wouldn't call it good television by any stretch of the imagination.) And the theme of the episode was romance... and how romance is about the willingness to take a chance and be a fool. It's true... love and marriage isn't about being cool, it's about being silly and being real and being ok with all that. At one point the main character says of a fifteen year old kid that he is tough, that expressing his feelings took guts, and she tells him that he is braver than most grown men that she knows. Again: vulnerability is hard but it's commendable and something to be respected.

And then I was watching Go On which is that widower show that I've mentioned a few times and the main character had an old friend from college come visit, and through the course of the episode he discovers that he has feelings for her (though he's not ready yet to act on them) and at the end they talked about it and she is really honest/vulnerable and admits that she has feelings for him, too (and has since college) but they can't date, because she knows he's not ready and she doesn't want to be "the first" after his wife.

That last part kinda slayed me... cause 1) it was so cool that they just talked about it, straightforwardly. --Ach, to just talk about romantic feelings as though they aren't something to hide from or be ashamed about.... that's my dream world! But 2) because she didn't want to be first.

 I think that's a real thing that people get concerned about with widows/widowers... and if I'm gonna be honest about my needs/desires: I want to date, I want to get married and I want to have children... and I really want that all to happen relatively soon. I'm going to be 30 next year and my biological clock has been primed for five years now... but for any of those dreams to happen, someone has to be the first. And if there isn't (at least) a first then I won't get any of those things... And that is a dream that will very much hurt if I'm told no.

And I am afraid to say it, for fear that it makes me sound desperate (when I'm really not) or unhappy (which I'm also not) or trolling for a husband (still, not.) But if you can't be real on your blog where can you be real?

V is for Victory!

I feel like a widow should have a lot to say about Valentine's Day, but I don't know that I do. I had a really happy day. I liked seeing all the flowers on facebook, I got a lot done at work, I wore pink and knew what day it was, but it's the happiest Valentine's Day as a single gal I think I've ever had, honestly.

I do like a day that celebrates love. Yes, this particular day is over-commercialized (Rhonda, I say that for you.) But the idea of this day is not a bad one... hey, lets everyone in the world celebrate love.

I had a great night. Natalie invited me and Kara over to her house (her husband was working late) and we hung out and talked... and talked... and talked. It was great. Everyone told their proposal story, cause we're girls and that's how we roll.  But, my, we talked about so much else.

But it was just really great... and I didn't feel sad that I don't have a specific Valentine... I mean yes, of course I would like to have someone to hold hands with and be overly mushy with and swoon over... but I'm feeling pretty content with where I am... I mean I don't seem to have enough time to take out my trash as it is, so maybe this is just my time in life to be busy and God will bring someone along when He doesn't have so much for me to do.... Or maybe this is just what it is... either way, it's ok... I've got plenty going on, and I'm good with that.

Is this what it's like to be a grown up on Valentine's Day?

Something humorous I noticed about myself tonight?

I've heard people say that the way to get a parent to like you is to compliment their child.... and I know that the same holds true of family in general. Well, I don't have children, and my family lives far away... but I tell you what, if a person seems to like my best friend, I instantly like them more. And if I can see that you think she's as hilarious and smart and slightly insane (in a good way) as I do.... Well, then I know we've got something in common.

No compromises

I realized something really important this weekend... and I'm not sure exactly how to express it, but as I said, it's important, so I'm going to try.

It *really* matters how a person treats the fact that I'm a widow. And even more than just a general person, it really really really matters how a guy who is interested in me treats the fact that I'm a widow. Because that's it- it is a fact. Nathan is a part of who I am. And he always will be. You can't be so in love with a person and not have that love change you... and it's certainly impossible to be married to someone without it changing you. The "two become one" isn't just about sex... it's about becoming a "we" -about being unable to be separated in people's minds. Being part of a whole rather than a whole unto yourself. Nathan is the greatest thing that's ever happened to me thus far. That's not to say that I don't expect more great things to happen to me,  and that's not to say I haven't had far more amazing people and events in my life than I deserve besides him... but as of right now, he's the top. 

So, as a good friend of mine put it when I was talking about it this weekend, "The guy you want to eventually be with will think that it's great that you had a great relationship before, and tragic that it ended, but equally great and redemptive that you two met."

All I could say after that was, "Exactly. Exactly."

I could never be with a person who thought that my marriage to Nathan is a flaw in me... something that he has to forgive me for and work past and find strength to overcome. If it brings up insecurities in him, I can understand that. If it brings up fear that I will compare him, I get it. If it brings up confusion or even jealousy, I'm prepared for that, but Nathan was not a mistake I made, and I cannot and *will not* accept someone who thinks it was or makes me feel like he views it as such. 

I was reading a book... well, actually I was skimming a book, written by two sisters whose husbands were killed in the same accident, making them young widows in the same moment. They talk about a lot of things that I recognize or understand about being a widow, but they also briefly tell about meeting their new husbands after being widows. The thing that is the clearest in both situations is that the men they would eventually marry understand that they have loved and lost and not only understand but respect that in these women. One wonders what he could "possibly have to offer you?" (Because he is younger and has less "life experience.") The other goes and finds her husband's grave site- not when they are getting serious, or even when they are dating, but before the girl had even really shown any interest at all, because he wanted to understand her better. He wanted to better know how to pray for her. Both of those are pretty extreme examples, and while I definitely appreciate the huge gesture of secretly going to find Nathan's grave, I don't *need* that. 

But reading it made me cry, because there is a part of what those men did for their wives that I *do* need, if I get anything at all. What I have to have- What I absolutely cannot compromise on, is that this guy, this person, this Mr. Right, he has to get it. He has to understand that part of what he likes about me came from my marriage to this great guy... and losing him was tragic and hard but that somehow God reforged me. He has to rejoice that I found such happiness, and mourn that I had to go through something so soul-wrenching, and rejoice again that the broken road somehow led us to each other. And he can never imply that I need to be forgiven for loving my husband... or he'll never be able to be my husband. I did nothing wrong. 

One of the sisters talks about a fear that loving another person means that you will lose the love you have for your first spouse. That somehow this new love will remove your old love from your heart. But that's not how it works and she makes the comparison to a mother and her children. Does a mother lose love for her first child when her second is born? Of course not- love isn't finite like that- Love grows. Each child carves out his or her own special place in our heart and love for one doesn't diminish love for another. Nathan has a place in my heart that is all his, and always will be.

Oh hey, Happy Valentine's Day, ya'll.

How does love happen?

Today I've been thinking about love.

And how a person comes to love.

...and I'm not sure I know how it happens. That's not to say that I haven't loved. I have, and still do. Deeply. But how does it happen?

How do you get from thinking someone is attractive, to find someone interesting, to wanting to spend time with them, to wanting to spend all your time with them, to wanting what's best for them over what's best for you... Because that's the great paradox, isn't it? You start to love for yourself and somehow you end up in love for the other person. There is this confusing way in which you hope that you are the sick one, because it would be worse if it was your child. Where the old lady hopes that she dies first so that her husband doesn't have to learn to take care of himself. Where you do things you hate, because the other person will like it.

I think a lot of time I worry about making myself attractive. I am concerned about getting this mysterious other person interested in me, interested in spending time with me. Maybe that's because I think I'm easy to fall in love with if you get to know me...  But is that really true? I have hundreds of friends. Out of all those hundreds I know of one who fell in love with me. Ok, take out the girls and the members of my family and let's say that I've known a good 150 eligible guys. I think that number is kinda low, but just for argument's sake, go with it. 1 out of 150 is not good odds!  It's like needle in a haystack time. Yet every single day people fall in love. Somewhere out there someone is staring dreamily at someone and saying horrendously cheesy things that don't sound at all cheesy to them because they are in love.

How does that flippin' happen?

How does it go from- "I think you are hot" to "I want to pledge my whole life to you." I mean I think this is why Nathan and I were friends first. So that I could stumble into this caring. So that it could grow step by step, naturally. But how do you get someone to care about you? And where the heck is the line between caring for someone like a friend and caring for someone as more than a friend? That one I really don't know. Cause my closest friends... I really would do just about anything for them... and yet I don't feel about them the way I felt about Nathan.

And another question: How does it work if you aren't friends first? I mean that happens, I've seen it. Two people meet for the first time and then one or both of them just become totally taken with each other and that's it... And how do you know you are seeing the real person then? Twitterpated goggles can lie.

I've also been thinking about myself and how I come across to people. I've long said that I give a bad first impression... maybe it's because I only smile if I think something is funny, and not really when I'm nervous, but I don't know. I was talking with a friend the other day and they said, sorta off-handedly that I seem exclusive at first. How the heck does that happen... and how do you come across as non-exclusive... especially when you are shy and bad at small talk? I hate it when people get the wrong impression about me...  I swear for a person with such a deep desire to please people, I also have a heck of a lot of pride.

Pride, Prejudice, & Great Expectations

Tonight I watched a movie/British mini-series called "Lost in Austen." Basically a girl goes through a door and into Pride and Prejudice (Elizabeth Bennet switches time/places with her), the girl proceeds to makes a right mess of everything and then has to fix it all up again.

What is it about Mr. Darcy? How can he be so insufferable and yet we still love him? He's such a jerk, but in the end, he's standing there, just hoping to be loved, and he steals away our hearts... that and he uses phrases like "ardently admire and love you."

I wish to be told how ardently I'm admired and loved.... or if not told, to at least know how ardently I'm admired and loved.

I have really high expectations but no earthly idea of how they will be fulfilled. I don't expect some guy to be perfect, but I expect him to be my version of Mr. Darcy. It's a strange juxtaposition.  Sometimes guys get angry when girls swoon over Mr. Darcy because they think they are being held to this fictional standard. But honestly, Darcy is a bit of an... well.. it rhymes with brass. Most guys who would get mad at the comparison would also come out ahead in the competition...

There is something in my head about expectations, though I'm not sure what it is, so I will just start typing and perhaps it will out.

There are all these qualities in my head that the right guy should and shouldn't have.  Christian, smart, funny, handy, articulate, generous, kind, handsome, dark hair, light eyes, beardless, wants children, some kind of artistic leanings, doesn't smoke, drink, cuss or scowl, slow tempered, self-assured, quick to smile, willing to play along with my goofiness, holds open doors, packs vehicles well, helps elderly ladies across the street... the list could go on and on and on...  But the thing is... the perfect guy for me isn't going to have all those things. Heavens knows Nathan didn't. The perfect guy for me is the one who makes me not care about the list... In the end that's what it comes down to. Do we resonate? Do we understand each other? Do we click on some level that's not even tangible? Because if we do, I won't care if his hair is blonde or he can't drive a nail to save his life or if he's as stubborn as a barrel of mules. Who he is will throw my expectations aside, and I'll discover all these other fabulous little things about him that I never would have thought to put on a list of desired characteristics, but I've discovered are completely swoon-worthy. And he'll have flaws that will probably drive me up a wall on a regular basis, but I expect those too. I couldn't live up to a perfect man, being as I'm imperfect, myself.

 I have this man in my head. He's taken up residence in my heart. I don't know what he looks like or his gestures or his smile, yet I know him. I have these expectations and I just can't wait to see how he meets them and exceeds them and is greater than any construct that only lives in my mind could be, because he's *real.* And for my part I will love him and care for him and do my very best to make him the happiest man to grace this Earth.

I'm not looking for a perfect man... I'm looking for a man who is perfect for me... and the reason why I like Mr. Darcy is that Mr. Darcy reminds me of him. Heck the reason why I like every guy is that they remind me of him. And that shouldn't be scary... that should be comforting, because while it's a lot to live up to... it's also nothing to live up to.

A book elegantly bound

I've spent a good deal of time tonight reading folk tales from France and Germany. Germans are apparently much blood-thirstier than the French. But you want to know the real conclusion I have come to?? I'm a fairy tale nerd. There are all sorts of nerds in this world... Here's visual proof- There are Star Trek nerds, Star Wars Nerds, video game nerds, computer nerds, science fiction nerds, music nerds, Japanese nerds, ect. And I am a fantasy/fairy tale nerd. I love them. I get excited by adaptations of them, I find the differences in them in regards to culture fascinating. I just think they are great.

Went to dinner tonight with Katie and our waiter was totally cute. The problem is that, as a patron of a restaurant, there is no way to know if a waiter is making a lot of eye contact with you and smiling because he thinks you are cute, too, or if he is doing that to get a good tip, and then he meets up with his girlfriend after work and laughs about all the ladies whom he got good smile-tips from... (I left him a standard sized tip, to avoid becoming one of these ladies.) Or worse! His girlfriend is the hostess and sends all the parties of only girls to his section. That's totally brilliant and evil at the same time. Well played, possible girlfriend/evil mastermind. Well played. But I did check his finger and there wasn't a ring, so I don't feel bad about saying he was cute.

Not sure about if the Starbucks drive-through guy is married or not... so I'll just not talk about him.

P.S. If anyone tells you that I don't have a physical type, they are horrendous liars. Luckily, for all the men-folk out there, I stray from it when given enough incentive. ;)

Honestly all of this cute boy talk is just a smokescreen. I've had such a rough/emotional week that I've started taking it personally... All of it. I've cried more in the past week than I have in a month. And I dont even know where it's all coming from... but it's certainly welling up. It's so much easier from the safety inside a happy marriage to think that dating is easy... that there are thousands of people out there who are/would be interested in you if only you were single. That you would be snatched up in an instant if you were single... but when push comes to shove... those people aren't real, and you find yourself alone and hurting and as confused as all get-out, cause somehow in the course of your marriage your husband managed to convince you that he was the luckiest guy in the world because you chose him... but now no one seems to want to be the luckiest guy... and you don't know why. And you start believing that your fairy tale has run it's course and you are gonna turn into the eccentric old lady who lives in a shoe, decorates the tree in her yard with broken mirror shards, and travels the world to avoid remembering that she's alone.

Now, I'm far more likely to turn to cynicism than desperation... I'm not likely to accept a proposition from the type of guy who would offer a proposition... but I don't really want to turn to cynicism either... I've said it a million times and I still really believe it. I don't *need* someone... I'm capable of living my life as it is. I'm capable of just being the cool aunt to my sister's and my friends' children. I'm capable of doing all the driving and the phone calling and the decision making. But I want more than that... I want to be the not-quite-so-cool mom. I want to have a family to take care of. I want to have a partner in life, again. I just don't know how to get that... cause I'm a girl and not super forward unless I'm at a breaking point and just trying to move on... I mean Nathan and I just sorta fell together.... and I don't know how that could happen again... Lightning not striking twice and all that.

I'm sorry. I try so very hard to be Pollyanna. I try so hard to look for the bright side- to focus on the positive... but I don't know what it is about this week... I just feel like I have so little to give and so much sadness stirring up inside me and nowhere to go with it. I feel like I have to fix something inside me that's irrevocably broken before someone else could love me as more than a friend or sister... or like I have to change who I am for someone to find me attractive and I don't know that I'm willing (or even able) to do that.

I have so much love and laughter and care and passion and fun and joy to share. And cheesy-ness... I have lots of cliches and cheesy-ness to share, too, as you may have noticed. It's like Death Cab says-- I'm "like a book elegantly bound but in a language [they] can't read."

Escaping the movie

Jack: Besides, I can be friends with her, but you're her soulmate
Dawson: You just told the bride you don't believe in soulmates.
Jack: I don't believe in perfect love. But I do believe that there are people whose lives are inextricably intertwined. You know… who have a bond that lasts forever, that can never be broken.

Those beautiful words were spoken by characters in Dawson's Creek.

See, even the most plebeian of shows can have a moment of eloquence every once in a while. I don't know that I even agree with the sentiment, precisely... or maybe I do, but just not for me. I'm not sure.... but I'm also not bitter. I want there to be people whose lives are inextricably intertwined. I still believe in happily ever after, despite it all.

It's amazing how much of my life feels like a book or a movie and not like a real life at all. And I don't know that I like it. Ok, yes, I'm a theatre kid and yes, I love a dramatic personality and heavens knows I love a happy ending... but I often wish I were living a life that couldn't be turned into a movie.

I wish I were in the midst of your average, normal, everyday boring life... the one where you date and marry and raise 2.5 kids and nothing exciting or interesting ever seems to happen, and then they sing a country song about you and how your life is so great cause you are country folk and you are just being you. That's one of the real fairy tales of the modern generation. The country song.  Home of the last great romanticism of a normal life. I know, I know, this here blog might be the vacation home.

Ach, I really like piano music. I forgot, or only recently realized this, but it's true. Guitars are well and good.... but piano music... I dunno there is just something so.. relaxing? transporting? soothing? All of the above.

Pensive.. thoughtful... musing... I think this might be as close to introspection as I get... and it's 3:30 in the morning. No wonder. Let me take this sleep-drunk opportunity to let you know that I really appreciate you... I appreciate you reading my blog and I appreciate you caring about me and my little saga. I'm beginning to come back... I'm beginning to make decisions, I'm beginning to move- not on, but forward. So please, keep praying for me. I'm not outta this movie yet.

Hope makes all the difference in the world.

I went and saw Harry Potter this afternoon, and while it was a little sad, just because it meant it was all over, I didn't cry. When I saw the first part of the Deathly Hallows I was about 3 tears short of a full on theatrical meltdown... as in a melt down that happens in a theatre. But in this one... yes, there is a lot of sad... but I kinda knew what was going to happen at the end, and it wasn't a funeral. So there was hope. Even in the darkest hour there was hope. Hope makes all the difference in the world.

Read an article today that I really liked. That I liked so much that I posted it on Facebook... that I liked so much that I'm posting it here, too. It's called, "There's No Such Thing as 'The One'" and while I wasn't too sure about it with a title like that I read it and I completely agree. Basically the gist of it is that people choose their "one."  When it all comes down to it there are many people that you *could* have something with in the world, but what really makes the difference is your conscious decision. What makes the difference is you and your partner saying (and meaning) "I choose and commit to you, even when things get hard." And you can't really know what you are promising in the moment you say it, but it's the sticking to your promise every morning that makes this person the right one for you. You might be committing to the perfect life with 2.5 kids, you might be committing to seeing them through Alzheimer's, you might be committing to walking with them through cancer... you don't know when you take that vow... but you choose and you remain steadfast until death do you part. Is there an element of fate/destiny/divine providence? Yes, I think so... you did have to meet this person somehow... and I maintain that God knows who we are going to choose and so he slips in a few character building experiences and personality traits to help us deal. But the Disney perfect fairytale doesn't just happen. You work at it and you hit bumps and you deal with it and you commit to choosing to love this person even when you don't really feel like it, and then someday you look back and notice that you've been living happily ever after... it's just a heck of a lot messier than it looked like when the credits were rolling on Cinderella... At least Aladdin gets it a little right..  (see 3:40)

They just don't show you that Aladdin and Jasmine still have to choose each other after they ride that carpet into the sunset.

Sides' she's right. It's far more romantic to think that someone chose me, flaws and all, to love than to think that they are just with me cause I'm their "one" and there isn't a darn thing they can do about it. Choice is much more swoon-worthy than fate or destiny.

Sides... if there is no such thing as "the one," then I get to have hope for the future... and as I've already mentioned, hope makes all the difference in the world.

Oh hello, soapbox. Didn't mean to start standing on you... terribly sorry, I do hope you understand.

I might get belligerent when I get tired...

It's 5 AM, so this is gonna be a short blog post.

I napped from 4:30 to around 8- No, I don't know why I was that tired, but when Kara couldn't sleep and came over at midnight it was totally fine. And then it turned into 3AM and we didn't even realize it, but she left and I still had video game stuff to work on... Working on bugs now, soon I will have nothing left to do with it.

But then I worked on the game for 2 hours... and now it's five and I wish I had someone to go get pancakes with cause I'm starving, but instead I'm going to go to sleep for 3.5 hours and then get up and be miserable cause I only slept 3.5 hours.

Someday I will figure myself out, but today is not that day.

I miss having someone to joke around with, and to hug when I'm think about things I shouldn't and I scare myself. I miss having someone to just *look* at and know they understand. I miss cuddling and bickering and just *sharing* my life with someone... I feel like I'm less than I was with him... Together we were greater than the sum of our individualities... Apart.... well I've lost him and I lost "us."

I feel like if I'd never been married people would try and tell me, "Oh, it's not as great as you think it is." or that marriage isn't all it's cracked up to be. But I have, and I know that it *is* that great... or at least it can be. I have the proof that you can have the marriage that hopeless romantics dream about. We aren't so starry eyed as we first appear, you know. Don't bring your realism bubble-busting my way. I believe in fairy tales and I am being practical.

Someday I will have my cake and I'm gonna eat it, too. So, there.

Nails, Confidence, and Family

Today I went to the manicurist for my last scheduled bi-weekly appointment. I love her, and I will definitely be returning for special occasions and recommending her to anyone who asks, but I've accomplished my goal. I have my own natural nails that have been decreed "beautiful" by my manicurist (who also told me to never put on "nasty acrylics" again.) And I went for 2 weeks with these natural nails of mine and didn't bite them off. I think that means my habit is broken... I just keep thinking how proud Nathan would have been... I mean I know that it's really banal, but he hated that I bit my nails, and he would have been so proud of me for deciding that I was going to stop, finding a way, and doing it. And now look at them! It's a small thing, really, but it's a goal that I've accomplished that makes me feel good and pretty and happy.

I'm trying out a new thing... It's called confidence. It's hard because the world is so confusing. One shouldn't be proud, one should be modest and self-deprecating humor is so funny. People don't like arrogance, but at the same time you should be confident. You should be comfortable with who you are. You should be proud to be the person you are... just not too proud.  How is a girl supposed to keep all that in her head at once especially when it all contradicts? But all my life I've worried about what people thought of me... and I don't know that it's going to go away anytime soon, but as a combat to the worry, what I'm trying to do now is remember one important thing. I like myself. I think I'm just darling. I think I'm attractive and funny and smart and clever. I think I'm something special. One in a billion, a gal of epic awesomeness. And if someone doesn't see that or disagrees then the fault doesn't lie in me... it lies in them. And the thing is I have to believe this about myself now, because I don't have my cheerleader anymore to tell me so everyday. So I have to tell myself, and remember that I'm not like a bad audition-er on American Idol. I'm one of the good 'uns. I can blow you away with who I am. I just gotta believe in myself... me and Xenia on the Voice... (Is it bad that I'd rather just save all of Blake's team and kick off Christina's? I think I hate Christina Aguilera's personality. I like her when she is acting, but when she is herself I really don't like her...)

I just got an e-mail from my cousin Wyatt, detailing the hotel/lodge accommodations for the Miller side of the family for his wedding. Apparently most of us are going to all be staying in one building. I'm really excited. These make for the best family gatherings ever. I have a lot of very fond memories of the entire Miller clan in one house for Christmas... all the cousins in the basement getting really hyper on juju frogs, cheap cola and my uncle Walter's spicy spicy beef jerky of amazing. Making up a band called, "I Spit" and laughing hysterically. I love my cousins so much! So while I'm sad I will miss my HS reunion, at least I'm not missing it for something that I'm not going to enjoy. My family... well I just can't say enough how lucky I am to be a part of it.

Surprisingly, not completely about a Prius.

Midnight Ramen? Sources say: Yes!

so... if you are facebook friends with me you may have noticed that I might have accidentally gotten a new car today. And it is sweeeet! I'm supposed to get my oil changed and tires rotated at 5,000 miles... that is 8.5 tanks of gas. 8.5. Holy smokes. I have decided I need more guys to look at it and tell me it's so cool, because guys seem to be a lot more vocal on noticing all the details that are cool, where as girls are just like, "It's so nice! It's so cool!" Not that I don't like it either way, it's just that in noticing all of the details, the guys gush for a longer time. I think it's really pretty, too... Blizzard Pearl is secretly (and very subtly and only in sunlight) iridescent... which is pretty well my favorite color, ever. (Yes, I love opals the most out of all the gemstones, too... darn, that they are so soft!) So, let me get this straight... three months to the day after my husband died my car arrived (after being delayed about a week by strikes and then inexplicably delayed another 4 days.) Not only that, but I got a car that I've been talking about wanting for around 5 years (even though initially I wasn't looking or thinking about this car, at all) and is nearly impossible to get (at least not without waiting at least 6 months-1 year) in my favorite color (that I had no control over and thought I wanted a different color). And I even just happened to get the perfect CD from the library (that I reserved about a month ago) at exactly the right time to play it in my new car? That is far too many coincidences for me to overlook... and so appropriate, as Nathan knew me a lot better than I did myself.

I think that words of affirmation might be my main love language... I've noticed that I really like to be reassured... I like to get a lot of opinions and I get really excited when people talk about things that they notice about me. I also really like compliments (though I suppose most people do)... This probably shouldn't be that big of a surprise to me, considering I was married to a man who was king of the spontaneous compliment, but I swear it's like a new thought is dawning on me. It's funny, because I'm pretty sure Nathan could have told you in about 5 seconds of thought what my main love language is, but I was asked this question about 2 or 3 weeks ago and just now came up with the answer.... I think. There are only 5 options!

A while back Melissa explained "introvert" and "extrovert" to me as defined by Carl Jung. She said that basically an extrovert is a person who sees self through a lens of the outside, first, and an introvert is a person who sees the outside through a lens of self, first. Why I tell you this is because, though I am shy, I am actually a strong extrovert- and here is some proof. It took me so long to figure out what my love language is because I was attempting to diagnose myself in relation to other people- aka what love language I use on others the most often. Oh extroversion! How am I supposed to get to know myself, but to have others tell me! (In my defense I think many times the languages you use the most are the ones that you like the most.)  But I couldn't figure out what my love language is, because I'm most likely to give gifts or acts of service... but those two options just didn't feel right. (I'm also told I'm intuitive.)

I actually don't give out that many compliments unless someone is down on themselves, (or like Kara, prompts me with the compliment she wants :) ) But I think that's the language that speaks the most for me. I remember compliments for a really long time. As in once- in the 8th grade- my English teacher wrote on a paper that I "have a flair for using just the right words most of the time." And in college an acting professor told me that I took things seriously and brought out the best in people- that I was "golden" and I turned everything and everyone I touched golden too. And the good compliments like those? I repeat them in my head to myself pretty often... like once every two weeks or so, at least. Go figure, words mean a lot to me. Me, the girl who, when confronted with tragedy, started writing down every stray thought in her head. The girl whose idea of sharing grief is sharing stories... Seriously, I'm beginning to feel like a moron for not noticing this earlier.

It's kinda weird when I think about it... because my immediate family is not really a group of compliment-ers... My dad gives acts of service (see coconut cream pies) and my mom is usually a gift-er and I think Rhonda is quality time... or at least our gingerbread church would seem to say so! :) ...and don't get me wrong I love all of those things! But we aren't really talkers... and getting opinions out of my parents is sometimes akin to pulling teeth with a pair of jello pliers*, so it would seem strange that I would like words of affirmation so much... and then I think back to all those parent-teacher conferences that my mom took me to as a kid. She normally brought me in the room with the teacher and basically the teacher just sang my praises to my mom for a few minutes. Mom also has a tendency to brag on her kids to others... or at least she does when said kid is in the room with her... I assume she also does it when we aren't, as well... and my extended family is pretty free with the praise, too, so perhaps it's not as strange as it first seemed to me. Interestingly enough, Paula (aka 2nd Mom) also brags on me in my vicinity (it always gives me warm fuzzies...) and she is generous with compliments, too. Considering she is one half of the dynamic duo who raised Nathan, it makes sense. Apple, tree, and all that.

*if you liked this analogy, you might really enjoy this list. I'm not sure that I believe the "from high schoolers" creation story... seems a bit fishy, but either way the list is still hilarious. Some of them I'd heard before, but... some of the analogies I'd never met... you could say the analogies and I were like John and Mary who had never met, who were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The third book in a trilogy

Another thing I like about a (my?) small town? When you are driving it's common courtesy to wave at every vehicle you pass. I've grown unaccustomed to this living as I do in the "big" city. People are far more anonymous in larger cities... and in a lot of ways I prefer that... but it's kinda nice when you are driving down the road and the oncoming driver waves at you. Or when you are driving in the country and the person in their yard waves at you. Makes ya feel welcome. Maybe everyone feels a little alone out here and so they want to connect to anyone they can. Or maybe they just don't want to endure the ribbing that they would get if they didn't wave hello to someone they are related to, and chances are higher in the country than in most places, so you just wave at everyone.

Things I'm bringing from home, to home: 6 jars of spaghetti sauce, a chocolate meltaway egg that blows all other chocolate out of the water, and will make me not want to eat other chocolate for about 2 years... luckily it's large enough to last for about 2 years. 4 issues of the Smithsonian, and both Fantasia and Fantasia 2000. I figure I should give them another chance as an adult... probably not both at the same time, though.

I've been eating and sleeping like there's no tomorrow here... I think my body might think it needs to hibernate... why it wants to hibernate when spring is here (sometimes) I have no idea.

I'm watching The Lake House right now, with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves... I can't decide if I've seen it before or not... It's not necessarily good, but I'm kinda enjoying it. Makes me want to get a lake house with a magical mail box so that I can write to someone from two years in the past. Preferably not Keanu Reeves though... his eyes are really squinty/tiny. Still I think there is something insanely romantic about a guy waiting 2 years for a girl to sync up time with her. It speaks to my soul... or at least the hopeless romantic/starved for romance part of my soul.... Remember that incredible love story? I can do it again...

please?

Lots of sweet older ladies came up to me at church today... most had tears in their eyes... and my grandmas both had the same look... Ach, that look... makes me wanna break down and cry. It's the look that tells me there is something about me to be pitied. It's the look that says they love me and they wish they could have taken this pain from me. It's the look that says they know, and they are so so sorry. Sometimes it's easier when people don't know... sometimes it's easier when people are "young" (aka my age) and they haven't seen and lived through all the good and bad of life... Sometimes I feel like I'm 27 going on 87... and I just want to go back in time 2 years. I don't even remember what we did 2 years ago on Easter, but if I went back in time I'm sure I'd enjoy it.

My brain is so screwed up sometimes... I want romance, but the only real romance I've ever had was with Nathan... and thinking about love in any way except as a remembering or as a fantasy feels like I'm doing something I shouldn't, when that's not actually true. I know it makes more sense in reverse but what it really feels like is that my brain thinks I'm married when my heart knows that I'm not anymore. My heart wants something that my brain says is off limits... except my brain is out of sync. So I reverse myself about every 5 minutes when it comes to matters of the heart... I know there are plenty of happy-pants answers out there about God being my romance, or about how platonic relationships are just as fulfilling, but I really don't want to hear them. Cause God isn't going to kiss me on New Year's Eve, and platonic friends aren't going to discuss our future children with me, and neither one is going to look at me with that stupid goofy adorable grin that says "I adore everything about you, even your annoying habits" that I miss so much.

But like I said- I'm a hopeless romantic and since this isn't happily ever after, I must be in the second part of a trilogy.... or maybe the beginning of the third, since the second book in a trilogy always seems to end when things are at their darkest. And there is no mistaking when that was.

Yes, I think I've begun my third book. Time to meet me some Ewoks.

Remember that?

I leave for northern MO in 2 days...well technically, I'll be in northern MO in two days... I leave in the middle of the day. Don't worry, though, I'm sure my sister will let me use her computer to blog while I'm at home. Oh and for any robber types out there reading this, I live in an apartment complex right next door to my best friend who doesn't work and frequently drops by my place when I am not there to "borrow" Pepsis and movies/TV shows. And my landlord is around all the time, too, Not to mention I don't really have that good of stuff to steal.. so let it go, man, let it go.

Anyway all that to say: I need to pack.... and do laundry. The days have escaped me, so tomorrow night is gonna be a bit of a scramble to get everything together. I do so love a challenge, I suppose.... I'm not actually sure that is a true statement I just uttered.... or typed.

Oh, here's a challenge I love- Song challenge time! There is a rather popular current song where a group of people are singing "When they..." and it's auto tuned... Every time I hear it, I think, "That sounds like they are singing, 'Renée.'" Can you figure out what song I'm speaking of?  Bonus random song tidbit: I like to think that in the song "Dynamite" Taio Cruz is actually singing, "I throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying ay-oh, Galileo." (actual lyric is "gotta let go") I think the song is much more amusing when you think about it being sung to the Italian physicist/mathematician/astronomer. Taio and his homeboy Galileo, gonna rock that club.

Do you remember a while ago when I said that I got news that made me gasp and then sob? Well, I've finally been given permission to blog about it. Kara (and Josh) are having a baby boy! And they are naming him Bolt, which I just love. It's Josh's mom's maiden name and both Josh and his sister's middle names and it's just an awesome name. But the news that made me gasp and cry is that his middle name is going to be Nathan.... for my Nathan. Makes me tear up again, just typing it. Nathan would have been so honored. I'm so touched. I love my friends very much.

Today I was at a meeting where people were talking about our church, and someone said something, that I'm taking totally out of context. He was talking about our church and the things he has seen God do in/through the church and feeling like it could repeat, if He wants.. and the way this person described it was that he felt like God said, "Remember that? I can do it again...." And it got to me, in a big way- though personally rather than in the general church context, as it was meant to refer.  You see, the whole time I was sitting in the meeting I was just so sad, because I was missing Nathan.. I was missing the camaraderie... someone who I can talk to with just a glance... someone whose exact thoughts I know, just by their body language. And then this guy said, "Remember that? I can do it again. And it may not look exactly the same, but I can do it again." And I stopped being able to subtly hide my tears... Because I was suddenly flooded with all the memories of how wonderful my relationship with Nathan was...

I get so scared sometimes that I've used up/ filled up my love card. That God will get back to me when He's matched up all the other deserving people in the world (cause you know that God makes people wait their turn, don't cha?) Or that any other relationship I have is going to somehow be diluted, because I was once married to someone else, or just that something will somehow be *less* than what I once had... and having someone remind me that God can do it again- and while it won't be the same, it will be just as good... Remember that friendship? I can do it again. Remember that understanding? I can do it again. Remember that laughter? I can do it again. Remember that happiness? I can do it again. Remember that sense of comfort and peace? I can do it again. Remember that love? I can do it again. Remember that joy? I can do it again. It got to me... What I had with Nathan doesn't have to end with Nathan's life. Remember that? I can do it again. That and someone hugged me in a, "we love you, and it's going to be ok" kind of a way, just as all of that started to hit. Sympathy: easiest way to cause me to break down, ever... Well that and yelling at me, but sympathy is much nicer.

I think I'm still trying to figure out how to grieve as a part of a community... how to let others see it happen in me. I mean I know I share on here... but in person, I try to keep under control as much as I can. Melissa was telling me tonight that letting others see what's happening in me is good for them.. and in a lot of ways that's a foreign concept to me. I feel like me being strong is good for people. And don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm "strong" because I'm feeling strong... but sometimes I'm strong cause I don't want to bring everyone down... and admit that I'm not. Oh grief, you fickle minx.

In other news, Nathan's cousin posted this blog link on Facebook that I have to share with you. It's about dying eggs for Easter. Dying them to make the coolest flipping eggs I've ever seen in my entire life. I fully expect the thrift stores in Springfield to be out of silk ties by the end of the day, this is that cool.

Seriously- Look at this.

I might start buying a collection of silk things now- for the Easter of my future children.

"For the Easter of my future children" I really like the feel of that phrase... like it should be in a poem, or the end of a piece of classic literature... It's like a hopeful version of  "the winter of our discontent."

Wow... yes, I did just compare my writing to that of William Shakespeare... My ego apparently knows no bounds.

The "One"

I watched a movie today in which science had figured out a way to put a timer on your wrist that would count down the time until you met your soul mate... And people kept referring to their person as "the one." The main character had a timer, but hers was blank (which meant that her "one" didn't have a timer yet.) Now, I know the physics of this whole premise is insane... but I couldn't help but think how nice it would be, to just know, without a doubt who the "one" for you is. Only that's also where I ran into a problem with the movie. There was a widower in the movie... and he didn't have a timer. And eventually he gets a timer... and it has a count down... and so that means (it is inferred) that his 1st wife wasn't his "one." And that's where it all falls apart... Because if this is the person as they keep saying over and over that "you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with"... what happens when their life ends and yours doesn't? Does the timer reset with a new person? Does the new person's timer suddenly start up? How long does that take? Or is that just it? You don't get a new person. You had your one, and that's all there is. I pretty well hate all of these scenarios... Cause I think that Nathan was my one... but I also think there is another "one" out there somewhere... I have to think that. I can't give up being a romantic just because he's gone... it's too deeply ingrained into who I am. God is taking care of me in so many ways... I can't believe... I *won't* believe that He doesn't have a plan for this, too.

It's a short post tonight... I drank one of those bottled frappuchinos that you buy when you want some Starbucks, but don't want to go get it, and now I'm getting pretty sleepy... yes, that's right, I ingest caffeine and then get tired. I'm a whack job.

But I'm a loveable whack job.

And adorable. I'm totally adorable. Just trust me on that one. I'm an adorable, loveable whack job.

with delusions of grandeur,

and delusions of ducklings.

Only not so much that last one.

I could really use a wish right now

I've been thinking about love a bit lately... and what love really is...  I think Nathan and I had a love fit for a Greatest Hits album... and I hope to someday find another love like that. It's really hard to go from a marriage... from a "we," back to a "me." It's lonely, and it's just hard to switch gears in general. But I don't think love is even a "we." I think what love really is, is a "you." I care more about you than I do about me. I care more about your happiness than I do my own. I care more for your needs than I do my own. My life is lived for you. My heart beats for you. My world is yours. I care about the things that you are interested in, because they matter to you. I would give up my life for you.

I really think love is that selfless... or at least that was the kind of love that Nathan and I worked on... It certainly wasn't always successful... but we got close sometimes... Of course, I think we also got a special dispensation of grace, because God knew we wouldn't get to have much time together. I couldn't imagine a day without him and now I wake up every morning without him. God just wanted it to be as good as it could be for as long as it could be. I know it's becoming my mantra, but I promised Nathan I would be ok. I promised him I would be ok... and I love & loved him. So my life is lived for his wishes. My heart beats for him. My world is his... and it feels really weird because it feels self centered... but I don't know how else to express how very much I loved him... Love is normally supposed to be in a partnership, you know. I'm not typical... I know that grief looks different for every person... but I also know that I'm a bit off from the "norm." But I feel like if I can live my life.... If I can be ok... then that is the best way that I can honor Nathan and the love that we had.

Kara was talking to me about something she read in Blue Like Jazz. I have no idea the context or if I'm misquoting what she actually said, but my impression is that Donald Miller mentions that friends are made when people start to feel/understand that you like them. When people can trust you to like them... I know that's the hardest part of friendships for me... trusting the other person to like me. But if I can take the focus off me and put it on making sure that the other person knows I like them... Maybe in friendships, too, it's less about me and more about "you." Makes me think I should actually read Blue Like Jazz... I got through college and several years at the Vineyard without reading this book. Nathan would laugh if he knew that his death is what might finally get me to read it.

It's a hard balance to strike... especially in American culture. How to live a life of selflessness while taking care of yourself... I mean ideally you have a partner who will take care of you... but sometimes that doesn't happen... and sometimes he gets taken away far earlier than planned. I guess it's something to work on... something to build a life on...

There is this song on the radio a lot these days, called "Airplanes" The lyrics go like this: "Can we pretend that airplanes, in the night sky, are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now."

I like the thought that we can all just decide that the airplanes count like shooting stars, and you get a wish for them. I say, why not?  Why do wishes have to be so hard to come by? I could really use a wish, right now. Wish, right now.

In which I quote a lot of other people.

I had a really tough night last night.... Sometimes it just hits you, and the pain that you can so often soften or push away  or distract yourself from overwhelms you. I think I felt it coming all day... thus my mad list of things from yesterday... I managed to keep it at bay nearly all day... but then the night came and I couldn't focus on anything else, and most of my friends were gone or busy... Luckily I found one friend who was online and able to pull me down from the worst of it... It's so much easier  for me to focus on people rather than television or books or even writing. But before I found someone to talk to...for over an hour I just cried and cried and *felt* it. So intense that it actually is a physical pain in that spot right below my breastbone that feels like my center. I was in the midst of "an avalanche of grief." (Someone else's words, not mine.) It's healing to grieve... but this was so much.

Then last night I had a dream... That one of my good friends died in a car accident... and that Nathan came back to life. I even remember saying, "Thank goodness we didn't do an autopsy." I didn't know what to do with my guilt in the dream... the guilt that my husband had come back, when someone else had died... But I was so happy, and not at all concerned that Nathan had suddenly been raised. I think I might read too many vampire books.

Sometimes I forget... and if I forget I *know* that other people do, too... but it's been less than a month... I'm handling it all so "well" that the times when I just get overwhelmed surprise me. Washington Irving says that, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” 

No I don't know the context of that quote... actually I only found that quote because I was looking for this quote which I read or heard somewhere lately :

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -
But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow
When compared with the pain
Of never risking love.”
-Hilary Stanton Zunin, Author of The Art of Condolence

I believe that... This hurts... so often and so suddenly... But I also believe in true love, because of Nathan. I *know* that it exists and it happens to ordinary people, and that sometimes it hits you like a stack of mattresses and sometimes it comes sneaking up "on little cat feet," and I can't imagine the person I would be now if I'd spent all this time not knowing that. Epic love isn't "epic" for how it comes into your life, but for how it remains and for your commitment to it.

Ok one last quote... "I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." - Roy Croft

I got the paper today about renewing my lease... such bad timing. I don't want to move out in May... but I'm not really sure if I want to stay here for another whole year and the "per month" prices are insane. I love living next to Kara.... Becca kept saying my life is like college because I live so close to my friends and see them all the time... but moving would make me go through a lot of this *stuff* and get rid of it... Plus, from a  purely practical standpoint I have some of the cheapest rent in town, and until I figure out what I'm going to be doing to make enough money to support myself, I probably shouldn't commit to a higher rate. Maybe I should see if the apartment on the other side of Josh and Kara is opening up...  You think that my  landlord would let me move two doors down? Gosh... the decisions never end.

Also I just edited the HTML on my blog to get rid of some weird formatting issues that happened in this post... I think I'm a rockstar computer genius.