Experience

Last night I went to a party.

This party was the 30th birthday of a grad-student friend of mine (and two other girls, who I didn't know.) It was kinda nuts, which I knew it would be, going into it.

Eventually some other grad-student friends showed up and I was glad to have some people at the party who I actually knew, but for a while there I was just standing around wondering how soon it would be polite to leave.

I didn't really want to go in the first place. It's not my scene- but... everyone has to have an experience like that at least once, right?

Probably not, actually, but I'm not sad that I went.

I'm also *not* sad that I didn't drink and left after 2 hours. When I left you literally couldn't even walk through the house. You just had to lean one direction and hope that the crowd carried you that way.

That's only a slight exaggeration.

I took cookies.

Most people show up to these things with beer or Jello shots. I brought cookies.

But they were a hit, and the birthday guy took a huge plate of them (the ones where I'd added raisins, which I think are disgusting, but he requested, so fine.) and hid them in his room.

And I also got to connect/touch base with people outside of school, which was really nice.

And now this morning I feel great and I'm actually up way earlier than I normally am, though I have no doubt there are a lot of people moaning in bed and pulling the covers over their eyes.

And just to complete the experience I think I'm gonna go get fast-food breakfast, cause it feels like the right thing to do. :)

This is Country Music

I've been on a country music kick for like a month now. I like a lot of different music. I like singer songwriters, I like folk, I like pop/top 40 music, and Broadway and all sorts of other music, but I got sick of the top 40 music that I had been listening to. Basically what happened was I had my radio on when a song came on that I was  already tired of because it had been so overplayed.. and when I switched to another station it was playing the same song.

So I switched to a country station and I've been enjoying it. In part because I don't already know all the songs, but in part because I really think there is something to country music.

This elicits eyebrow raises, disdain, scoffing, or groans depending on who is reacting. And quite often I hear, "Why?" in a pained voice.

Now the thing is, I'm not a musician. I like to sing. I like music, but I don't pick it apart, so some twang or some steel guitar or some notes that are sidled up to, rather than hit straight on don't bother me that much... It's just flavor. I don't know what it means when Pandora tells me that I like "Major key tonality"

What I care about are the lyrics, and country music, while often labeled cheesy and even cliché, says a lot about me and to me. This might be because *I* am cheesy and cliché, but I prefer to think of it as "true of heart" and "honest" and "direct."

It reminds me not to start feeling sorry for myself:

"Every time you think you got it bad, you can find someone who's got it worse. All the things you take for granted now, they started out as blessings first. If you got someone who loves you and a steady job that puts food on the table, if you're strong and able, Man, be grateful" Be Grateful - The Farm Inc.

"Every storm runs, runs out of rain, just like every dark night has its day. Every heartache will fade away. Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain." Every Storm Run Out of Rain- Gary Allen 

Yesterday Pandora played a September 11th song that made me cry all over again, even 11 years later:

"Did you feel guilty 'cause you're a survivor? In a crowded room did you feel alone? Did you call up your mother and tell her you loved her? Did you dust off that Bible at home? Did you open your eyes, hope it never happened, close your eyes and not go to sleep?" Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning? - Alan Jackson

 There is a lot of truth in the lyrics:

"Funny how a melody sounds like a memory" Springsteen- Eric Church 

(That's just good poetry no matter who you are.)

And it also reminds me of how I want to love and be loved:

"I'm a long gone Waylon song on vinyl. I'm a back row sinner at a tent revival. She believes in me like she believes her Bible. She loves me like Jesus does." She Loves Me Like Jesus Does- Eric Church

"I am a short fuse, I am a wrecking ball, crashing into your heart like I do. You're like a Sunday morning, full of grace and full of Jesus. I wish that I could be more like you. I'm hard to love, hard to love, I don't make it easy. I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood. I'm hard to love, hard to love. You say that you need me. I don't deserve it, but I love that you love me." Hard to Love- Lee Bryce

Especially in that last quote: "You're like a Sunday morning, full of grace and full of Jesus." Whoa. Honestly, I'm happy I switched over to country for a bit just so I could hear that one line. I want that. I want to be that. I want someone to believe that of me.

And in the meantime I'm awful happy that someone had the guts to put it into a song without irony.

How it Falls

A post to commemorate Valentine's Day:

Turns out, I don't really mind Valentine's Day. I mean I hated it when I was a highschooler. Nothing worse than everyone getting balloons and flowers and ridiculous amounts of *stuff* at school and you not getting anything. In high-school I was very much aware of how single I was.

But that lessened considerably in college... Kara and I had some pretty fantastic times on Valentine's Day, whether we were single or she was dating someone. (By the time I was dating someone, homegirl was married!) And then Nathan and I started dating and I had five V-Days where I got to celebrate in a "normal" way... (though I've always thought roses were a big waste of money.... give me cheap but pretty flowers and your time/energy any day over needlessly expensive foliage!) and then in 2011 it was my first day back to work after Nathan's death. That was shocking for me to discover, by the way, but I blogged about it so I know it's true. I totally did not remember that.

And last year I had a good time.

And what I said then, I still feel. I saw someone post on facebook about how much this particular person (who is happily married, btw) hates Valentine's day... and I mean, you'd think that of anyone I'd have a reason to not harbor any kindness towards the day....

And yet.... I do have a fondness for it. Maybe it goes back to elementary school when we made the boxes and everyone in the class got a valentine. (Kara is a genius, by the way, and next year I will be having an elementary school themed Valentine's party... I just didn't have enough time to pull it off this year.) Maybe it's just that I like love, even if I don't have "my" person... I still don't mind having a holiday that celebrates love.

Kara sent me a song that I've been listening to over and over today. I love it. A lot. She said it reminded her of me, even though it isn't a perfect match and that "the writer of the song doesn't know it, but he is in love with you." Unfortunately I think it was written by a woman (the one singing), but that doesn't matter. I still love this song.  It's haunting in that way that all of my most favorite songs are.

And maybe that's why I like Valentine's Day?

Cause I'm very loved.

And known so well.

Despite not having a box of stained glass tears.

Weird Paranoia

Do you ever have moments of paranoia? Where you have (from your perspective) a really great conversation or time with someone, and then you don't interact with them very much for several days (or a week, or weeks) afterward and you suddenly start doubting it all?

You wonder if it ever happened at all.

DID that old man in Wal-mart wink at me or did I just think he did? Did the other person have as much fun as I did, or did (s)he just pretend to? Did I say something offensive, or was I boring, or not interested enough in them, or have they just decided that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end? Or has something more interesting happened in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me-- no offense!

Oh sure, if you look at the bare facts they seem to indicate certain conclusion.

But since when did human interactions ever kowtow to logic or reason?

I'll take "Since Never" for $500, Alex.

I think this is why I like directness so much. I'd so much rather know where I stand than skirt around something and wonder and wonder and attempt to read between the lines and then wonder if there even are lines or if I just made them up.

It's kinda like the word "weird" for me. I look at it too much and I'm just sure that I've misspelled it. Still. Even thought I know I haven't... It's only 5 letters for Pete's sake! How can you over-think 5 letters? How much more straightforward can it get!? Yet, if I stare at it for much longer I start to wonder if it's even a word at all. Maybe that arrangement of letters actually means "snaggletooth" or "destiny" and I have no clue and no one will tell me, cause I should be able to tell. I mean, come on, isn't it obvious?

Problem is that I get to this place a lot faster than most people, I think.

And the worst part is that this paranoia is the strongest with the people I know the least.

The juxtaposition between the virtue of modesty and the attractive quality of confidence is a thin and exceedingly difficult line for me to walk... I mean if we are going to be honest here... Not everyone is gonna like me (Say it ain't so!) I am going to be offensive, or boring, or not interested enough in them. Someone will decide that they have what they needed/wanted and that's the end. Something more interesting will happen in their life and they'd rather focus on that than me, no offense. And who the heck am I, to think that I deserve their attention just cause I liked spending time with them? Little full of yourself, aren't you, Renée? Land-a-goshen, just let them be and stop acting so desperate!

Did you see that? That is basically a direct translation of what happens in my head on a pretty regular basis...

It's kinda funny. For most people paranoia is that others are out to get them. For me it's that they aren't out to get me, when I want them to.

It's Not Just Men

So I've spoken to two guys in the past three days who, when describing a relationship that had just ended said, "You know I was there for her when she needed someone over and over and over, but when I needed someone, she wasn't willing to be there for me."

And I listen to this and I think: dubbya tee eff, ladies??? (side note, I know that wtf, omg, and btw stand for real words.... but those letters in succession have become words in their own right in my mind, which is convenient as it lets me escape any actual cursing!)

Ok, so obviously I'm someone that people are willing to talk to, and some people would argue I am too available to lay troubles/frustrations on... it does certainly land me in the friend zone more often than I would prefer. So maybe I have high expectations of what it means to be someone's friend, but I don't think my expectations for a friend should be more than my expectations for a significant other. There is something wrong here.

I hear a lot of complaints about the men of my generation. It's generally about how they are childish. How they sexualize and objectify women. How they are lazy and entitled. How they just want to fix things instead of *just* listen. How they couldn't find their emotions if emotions were those fuzzy yarn balls and located in a cardboard box labeled "Your Emotions."

And I'm not trying to say that's not true, at least in part. I am completely cognizant of the photo-shopped  pictures of girls with perfect bodies that get shared all over facebook. I know why they get shared and I know that even those girls don't actually look like that, and I feel deeply how sadly *lacking* I am in comparison.

But what I'm saying is that it's not just the men. Only they can't say this, because that would make them sexist jerks. Girls sexualize and objectify men, too. (I'm looking at you, Magic Mike and Ryan Gosling memes.) And we are childish, too.

When I was growing up we didn't have all the Disney Princess stuff that is so prevalently pink in stores today.... but that didn't mean we didn't have Disney Princesses... And that didn't mean we didn't want to become Disney princesses--- we did. I remember so much stuff in reference to girls being princesses, even in college. But have you ever really watched a Disney princess movie? The men are fake. That sounds weird, but especially in the early ones, the men are just cardboard cutouts. I think Eric from The Little Mermaid was the first one to have any personality, and even then he doesn't have much of one. If there is a male protagonist, then there is something to the girl, but if a female is the protagonist... well mainly the man is just there to cut down the brambles and throw a sword around.

And women have incorporated this into their modus operandi. Women act entitled too. We are entitled to have our breakdowns and our hormones and our changeable natures-- you know, if we want to. And the men better well be able to put up with that. They had better be strong and protective and thoughtful and reasonable and willing to fix it all. But they had better not expect a princess to get her hands dirty. They had better not expect a princess to get off her butt and lend strength or protectiveness or thoughtful reasonability or support.  Gah, I mean how selfish could men possibly get? Are they really saying they can't be strong all the time??

Turns out that both men and women are insecure. We all have moments of strength and weakness. We can all be pretty crappy to each other. I'm just frustrated. I expect better of us. I expect better of all of us. And I really don't think it's fair to just lay the blame on one side. There is plenty of blame to spread around.

18 of 30

 Here's a blast from the past-- Something off the 30 things list!

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

I think the reason why it has taken me so long to write this one is that this is a super hard question to answer... because I don't want to tell some story about how someone did something wrong to me. Bringing up someone's past mistakes isn't a good way to demonstrate your forgiveness for them. And also... This is gonna sound sooo full-of-myself, but honestly I don't have a hard time forgiving people, so it's not like there is one thing that sticks out in my brain as the hardest thing to forgive...

But when Kara was here last, we got to talking about something that I think is pertinent.

I think the most difficult thing I've ever had to forgive is Nathan leaving me.

And it was so hard because I couldn't even be mad at him. He didn't have a choice in the matter.

But still.

The one person in my life who had vowed to be with me forever left me alone to deal without him.  I mean if forgiveness is necessary because a person has been wronged.... Well, I've been wronged.

I've been stripped of the illusion of mortality that is supposed to last me well into my 40's, maybe beyond, and I know that you can't trust anyone... because even if they are worthy of trust there are things beyond all of our control.

And now I have to keep living in the world like I'm not aware of those two things.

So I had to forgive Nathan, or God, or the universe, or something, for making me the way I am and then taking it all away from me for absolutely no good reason.

And while I still struggle with the repercussions of the wrongness, I still think I can say I've forgiven it.

And that's 18 out of 30.

It's Me Who I Don't Get.

You'd think... with all the time I spend by myself and on myself and blogging about myself that I would be more familiar with myself.

But I'm not really.

On a very regular basis I surprise myself. It's as if I barely know the person whose skin I'm wearing... whose brain I inhabit.

Several times this weekend I got super dramatic about people actions secretly meaning they hate me... And while I know that it's not true even in the slightest bit I also know that jokes like that normally come from a pretty insecure place.

Last week I wondered if I should really be a writer at all.

Today I got super concerned cause Kara replied to an e-mail I sent with a question, and that is all. Now, sure it's not normal for her to just ask a single question but Kara has never been the type to be pithy when she's upset with me and yet I was seriously concerned.

I was also frustrated all morning for no reason whatsoever.

And there are so many other reactions I have that I simply don't understand.

Why am I startled or confused or skittish? What the heck is wrong with me? Do I need a self-interpreter?

You'd think that the only person who I wouldn't need explained to me would be myself, but it is almost always the opposite. I can normally read others exceedingly well.

It's me who I don't get.