Hard day...

Today is in a word: "hard."

I went back to work today.... and that was way tougher than I expected. I think because it is something that I used to do and Nathan would show up randomly just to surprise me, or bring me lunch, or I would go home and make him lunch the last month or so... So I was at work today and I kept thinking about him, and seeing his face and remembering how much we loved having lunch together and had to keep remembering over and over that it wasn't going to happen anymore.

Added to that, the day, is kinda a holiday. You may have noticed? It has a lot of pink and red and references to love. It was all over facebook. I've had 5 "coupled" Valentine's Days in my life... all with Nathan. I was looking forward to having all of the rest of my Valentine's with him, and being able to put my lack of a romantic history on a shelf labeled "sweet but pathetic past" Only now I find myself here again.... and I have to add broken-hearted to the mix. I mean, I know that he wanted to be here... it's not as though he chose this, but I think my heart can still be broken that he's not here anymore. Well even if I don't think it can- it is.

As I've mentioned, Nathan was learning to play the ukulele... mainly because he loved music so much and the guitar was way too much for him, during the last months... He was going to learn how to play the "It's a Wonderful World/Somewhere over the Rainbow" mix that was popular a few years ago by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole' (Just looked that name up.) He was going to learn it, because I asked him to.... it came on my Pandora station today and it was all I could do to keep from turning into a sobbing mess at work.

Today is also when I started to realize how much I don't know, because I let Nathan handle it... For instance, my wireless password... I don't know it. (Someone is gonna help me figure out how to reset it.) but more than that... I'm switching to a different internet provider, because cable wanted to charge me more than twice what I was previously paying... but I don't actually know how to set up the modem and router at all. I know that I need them, and I know that we used to have them, but I don't know if I still have the modem we used the last time... nor do I know how to talk to the hospital to find out why they have sent me 3 statements for 3 different amounts within a week of each other... And honestly I don't *want* to... I really don't want to have to deal with my life and figuring everything out, yet... I just want to deal with each day as it comes, but I feel like I have to look to the future or I'm gonna get buried. I'm just freaking out and I don't have Nathan telling me to trust him and that everything is going to be ok. I miss him taking care of me.

Everything is changing and I just wanted it to be the same...I just wanted... more.