Impulse control and scandalousness

I almost just made this my facebook status:

Last July I sent an e-mail to Nathan, entitled, "this can't be my facebook status :(" I think the proof of how much I've changed is in the fact that I don't mind sharing it now because I think it's hilarious: "I just took a drink of water and spilled it all down my front... but through the miracle of breasts and a bra, my shirt didn't get even a drop on it.
Just thought you should know."

Though it's still scandalous enough that I considered hiding it from my mothers.

Hi, mothers.

I didn't actually make it my facebook status, because... well it's kinda scandalous... (Hey if you can't say scandalous things on your blog, what good is a blog?) And while there is something within me that craves being scandalous there is something else that is afraid of people getting upset by my scandalous-ness. Thus why I have hair extensions in every color of the rainbow except yellow. (Darn you, yellow! Where are you?!) but no actual colored bits of hair. (Well, that and the maintenance of that hair seems like it would be hard.) Thus why I have a tattoo design and placement picked out that I love, but no actual tattoo. Thus why I didn't post this as my facebook status when it originally happened.

I've discovered in this process of figuring out who I am again that impulse control is something I'm having to relearn. Through cancer, especially the last months of it there was no impulsive-ness. Everything except medical emergencies was planned and anything unplanned sent us into tailspins. The spontaneous was completely quashed.

After Nathan's death it's been the opposite. I've been trying to embrace everything as it comes. Make a decision, put it into action. Now. Don't plan- do. If it makes you laugh it's gold. If it makes you feel alive, it's wonderful. Buy that macbook, sign up for the classes, drive to the church to get your phone and then decide to go downtown to a party on the spur of the moment. And heaven help the cute pair of tights that come across my path.

There have been some notable exceptions. I didn't go skydiving, because Kara and Rhonda told me that I was talking crazy talk. I haven't gotten a tattoo, cause Rhonda told me I should wait for the year mark to make sure I still wanted to. I didn't go to Starbucks today even though I really wanted to.

But I certainly haven't found an equilibrium at all, and I'm not sure how to re-learn something that used to be instinctive. I didn't used to have to focus on self-control and doing things that I didn't really want to and not doing things that I did.

I don't want to go back to the way that I was... Honestly, I was pretty repressed. But I don't want to lose all that I had, either. And I *never* want to think that Nathan wouldn't like the person who I am now. So I guess now I have to find a new place to balance. I know I'll find a way eventually. In the meantime, though, just promise me that you will laugh at my crazy antics and not judge me for them. I just don't know who I am anymore.