Have I talked about how strange it is that most of my closest friends are introverts? Even Nathan was, though he was good at putting on an extrovert mask. It's weird cause introverts are in the minority, yet I can think of 7 or 8 close friends who are introverts and 2 who are extroverts... them's some pretty stacked numbers!
I guess I just like a challenge when it comes to making friends? Or (closer to the truth) I like to be special and to be in people's elite circle, and extroverts' elite circles aren't very elite... or very circley cause they try and cram so many people into them that they turn more oblong shaped.
Why is that I crave being special so very much? Cause I do. It's like a drug for me or something. I think more than people's approval I seek the acknowledgment that I'm special... I mean I want to be thought of as special in a good way but... If all they think of me is that I'm different from most... well I'm ok with that too.
Here's something interesting/strange...This weekend someone said to me at the conference, "I don't get to help you through this at home." That phrase, simple as it might be, shocked me. "I don't get to." It never occurred to me that someone would want to help me through this. I mean, yes, obviously people want to help me through it... but that someone would see it not as a burden or responsibility to help me through this time, but as a privilege... Whoa. Talk about the love of Christ.
I think that people should be my friend.. It's only logical. I take care of my friends, and I'm relatively funny and generous, and I just really try to be a good friend and take their perspective on things and assume the best and be low-maintenance and low-drama. But that someone could want to help me when I'm not a good friend. When being my friend isn't easy. When being my friend is actually really challenging and heavy and hard. Before I've been a good friend to them. Before I've built up the relationship points with them that they have to submit to my "friend test." This is kinda mind-boggling. Not because people are inherently selfish or anything, but because I would never ever presume to ask someone who wasn't already my good friend to help me. Because I see this as hard and not something someone would want to pick up.... Because I work really hard to make being my friend the logical choice, but somewhere deep down I still think it's so hard that people wouldn't if they really knew what they were getting themselves into.
There's a self realization that only came as I typed it. That's why I ask for reassurance from my friends. That's where some of those trust issues come from. Because somewhere deep down I don't think people would be my friend
if they really knew what they were getting themselves into.
There's no confidence like false confidence.
I like the new look. And yes, I have a large circle, but I have a small inner circle. Like a donut hole. And the donut hole is the part that's really important.
ReplyDeleteOk, so that's a terrible metaphor. But you get it, hopefully. You're a smart one. ;)
Thanks Katie! I was bored with the old look-- And I think your doughnut hole might be the reason why you are one of my two close extrovert friends.
ReplyDeleteI think it's because introverts are such awesome friends. *blushes* Ha ha ha.
ReplyDeleteNo, really, though, I have wondered about this, too. I think it works for you because you are a very introspective extrovert (also you, Katie!). :) You recognize differences in others, you have perspective on your own wants. You don't take every declined conversation as an offense.
I'm going to try to give you an introvert's perspective on I-E friendships. I am not going to claim that I speak for all introverts. But this is my experience.
The phrase "looking for attention" has become really negatively charged. I don't see it that way. But it seems to me that extroverts seem to have a need for positive attention, from as many people as possible, and consequently a deeper wish to please everyone and fear of being perceived negatively. I"m not judging. We all have needs. But we introverts are typically much less interested in positive attention from everyone (and some of us shudder at the phrase "attention from everyone"). This gives us remarkable powers to shrug off negative attention, which you, extroverts, always seem to find thrillingly brave, although for us, it isn't. On the other hand, being introspective, we can become very absorbed in learning about other people on a deeper level. Extroverts like that. So much attention! We like you! We really like you!
But beyond that it gets really tricky. Because as much as you love that concentrated introvert attention, we can't give you very much of it. Moreover, giving you that attention doesn't necessarily mean that we, introverts, feel known by you, extroverts. So we give you this attention, and then you tell us you feel really close to us, and we're like, but... you don't even know me! And then you're like, sure I do! You hang out with so-and-so, you're a good listener, and you like Chinese food! And we're like, but my private thoughts and feelings! The me that I only show a tiny, elite circle, and then rarely! You know nothing of this! Then it goes really wrong.
The extrovert begins to pester the introvert with questions and insists on knowing what they might consider "everything": what you did today, who you talked to, etc.-- but to the introvert, this is nearly-meaningless trivia, pertaining nothing to our inner life. Some, but not all, extroverts can get really passive-aggressive because we aren't paying "enough" attention to you, while we privately wonder, is it ever "enough"? The introvert starts dodging the extrovert's calls. The extrovert will appeal, "but I thought we were close!" and the introvert will think privately, "Well, I didn't." And eventually, we'll begin cutting ties. And this is why people say introverts are cold. But in perfect honesty, I've become seriously averse to more than one person whose need for my attention began to feel extremely invasive, and who dropped the "close" bomb before I felt it was even remotely warranted. I felt used.
I just want to assure you, Renee and Katie, my dear extroverts, that I am not talking about you. :) I think we managed to avoid the pitfalls for the most part. A healthy recognition all around that different people have different needs is a big part of it. It also helps that you are both really fascinating. :)
Holy crap. Did I just write a comment longer than your post? Sorry, so sorry... *scuttles back to cave*
ReplyDeletehahaha Don't scuttle! I love the fact that you posted a comment that long! If only all comments were that long! Plus I think your comment is fascinating...
ReplyDeleteI would never say I was an introspective extrovert... mainly because I don't think I ever introspect. But I know how to busy myself quietly, while others do. :) Plus I'm pretty stubborn/loyal/persistent and grew up in a house composed exclusively of introverts.... so I know you can still be close to someone even if you don't talk to them for weeks/months on end.
Plus introverts are awesome friends. :)
I think this blog is evidence that you *are* introspective! You just work out your introspection in conversations with feedback. As I understand it, this is an extrovert thing. :)
ReplyDelete