Health Update

So what's been going on since the last blog?

A lot, but suffice it to say, I got tired of the "wait and see" mentality of my previous gynecologist (I'm 35. Waiting and seeing is off the table.) and now I'm going to a clinic that has a more intense focus on infertility. So they did a workup on me and found that I have at least 1 dermoid cyst. There is a second cyst that may be dermoid or may be a fibroid. Or maybe it's all one cyst with two sections? I'm honestly not totally sure. The doctors know

Often cysts like these are ignored.... But I'm very good at growing things that shouldn't be there. My gallstones were huge when my gall bladder was removed. My cysts are similarly huge. So huge that they have to be removed via surgery.  Somewhere between 6 and 9 cm.... that's as large as a baby's HEAD. They may be able to remove just the cyst... but probably not. It's likely that they will have to take part or even the whole ovary. This doesn't mean that I won't be able to get pregnant in the future, they would just be removing my "spare tire" as they referred to it. :D

And of course, this is the busiest summer I've had in a long time... so, in order to not screw up any other plans and give me enough time to recover... I'm having the surgery next week-- Tuesday to be specific.

I have not been diagnosed with PCOS or endometriosis and the rest of the workup has all come back as "normal," so there is at least a possibility that these cysts have been getting in the way of pregnancy but we do know they need to go (with cysts this large they could flip the ovary which apparently is real bad.)

We still want to get pregnant (I still maintain my insane desire to have twins. Don't @ me. If I can cope with Nathan's cancer, I can cope with twins.) Adoption is also an option, though I really want a baby and any route that isn't foster care is very expensive.  But pregnancy aside, this is something that would need to happen. Sadly, it means we're going to have to miss my big family 4th of July celebration, which is a huge disappointment as it's one of my favorite holidays. But at least this way it will be done with and I don't have to dread it for too long. So yeah, that's what's going on with me.

Not Pregnant (Yet?)

It's been 4 years since I made a blog post. Maybe I'll talk about the whys and wherefores in a post after this one, but for now, I just want to use this post the same way I always have... To talk to people on a massive scale about what's on my mind.

There are two truths:

I want kids.

I'm not pregnant.*

I've been very reluctant to talk about this to the world at large. As if by saying it in the public sphere I could be jinxing myself. But when have I ever been private with my life and my personal stuff?  I really haven't been able to figure it out. Why is this something I've been keeping on the down-low? Maybe I wanted it to be a surprise? Like anyone who's ever known me is under the illusion that I wasn't sure if I wanted children. Or maybe I want to avoid pity, but honestly who has time to bother with pity? (If you do, go pity someone else, not me.) I certainly don't want to seem like I'm judging anyone who does choose to keep quiet about their fertility challenges. But that's not me. I plan on letting the world know I'm pregnant pretty quickly. If I have a miscarriage, I want people to understand why I'm not myself. I'm not one to hold my grief in, I'm one to blog about it daily for two years. 😉

I was kinda hoping it would be easy. I was hoping that unlike a lot of stuff in my life, pregnancy would be one of those things that I said I was ready for and it would then happen.  On the other hand, I was pretty well expecting that it wouldn't be easy. I know several people who have struggled to get pregnant and many who have had miscarriages. It feels like a very common struggle these days. (Btw, I've not had a miscarriage. I have no idea the physical and emotional pain that is to deal with, and I very much don't want to have to go through that, but in some ways even not having a miscarriage is a little scary because it is a sign that it's even possible for a person to get pregnant. )

And on top of the "why does this have to be hard too?!" complaint is how frustrating it still is to be so out of step with my peers.

Nathan and I decided to start trying for a baby the month that he was diagnosed. This was a little bit before or right around the time that most of our friendship group started trying. If that had happened, that "baby" would have been 8 years old by now. But instead of getting pregnant I was a different sort of caretaker, and then I was grieving, and then searching for the right person all over again. The people I went to high school with are having "last" babies. The people I went to college with are pregnant with "thirds." The people my age who don't want kids are finally getting to the point where others have stopped asking them when they will have kids. And then there's me... I'm 35, so my first pregnancy will be a "geriatric" pregnancy (And no, I'm not being melodramatic, that's what they call pregnancies in women over 35.) And I want 2 children! I would be legit excited about having twins mainly because it's two babies, but the timeline of one. There's no getting around this one. I married younger men, I look young, I'm young at heart, but my age is still the number of years I've lived on this planet, and it's not going down. Maybe if we didn't live in the Midwest, it wouldn't feel as off. Maybe if I hadn't been ready to have kids for nearly 10 years now, it wouldn't be as frustrating. But this is where I am.

I keep coming up with ideas of when it would be a good time to announce or surprise people that then pass. Valentine's day, Easter, when my parents visited in August, my niece's birthday, Halloween.... Maybe no one cares, outside of my immediate family. That's fine, but I suspect there has been some speculating. I haven't gotten a lot of pointed questions. I think everyone gets afraid to ask because they want to respect privacy and it's no longer something that's "expected" of a married couple. But sometimes I wish people would just talk about stuff in the open. I can't get upset about how anyone else wants to handle their personal stuff, but I would far prefer to be transparent. We don't know much at the moment. I appear to be healthy, though obviously shedding some pounds would help. I haven't (yet) been diagnosed with anything like PCOS that would make it more difficult. If I weren't 35 we wouldn't even quite be at the place to talk to a doctor, but again the clock it ticks and I must obey, so I have at least one appt in the next few months to address this and find out if there is something wrong. Maybe there is nothing wrong. Maybe there is a lot wrong. Either way, I don't want to wait until I've got a success story before I'm willing to talk about it.

25-year-old me has told 35-year-old me several times that thinking about it and stressing about it isn't going to help anything. To just relax and be patient. But 35 year old me is too aware of the mortality of loved ones, the passing of time and how fleeting everything is.

There is a really great Adam Ruins Everything episode that Kara shared with me that helped. I know it's not as rosy of a picture as Adam wants to paint, but it does help to see a different side of the doom and gloom train I've been riding on ever since I graduated college.

So I guess what I want to say is if you are the praying sort, pray for me. If you are the good vibes sort, send those my way, too. If you know some secret pregnancy elixir I should take... well that sounds sketch as all get-out so I probably won't take it but at least tell me about it so that I can laugh with my friends later. If you don't care, I don't know why you've read this far. 😋 I haven't given up, and there is still time, but if I didn't *start* talking about it instead of hiding from it, at some point, it was going to drive me crazy,

*I mean, I guess it's possible that I am and I don't know yet, but it seems unlikely.

How *NOT* to Deal with Rejection

So, last night, I had a dream that Jason decided his best life plan was to become some sort of bank/business robber, just like his "Great-Aunt Sally" from the 20's-- (who is completely fictional, btw)- only he was going to do it right this time instead of botching it up and living most of his life in jail like she did. Without my knowledge, he had pulled off two heists but then "the fuzz" was on to him, so he left and we broke up because he didn't want me to have to live that kind of life.

Then, when I woke up and checked my e-mail and there was a rejection notice for one of the few pieces I had out.

And I have a sore throat and a cold sore.

And everyday that I wake up without a call from an employer wanting to interview me hits a little bit harder and we are mid-way through my 3rd month sans job, so it's hitting pretty hard, these days.

So basically I've been feeling pretty rejected today. I mean, granted, Jason didn't actually break up with me to start a life of crime, but it is hard to not start feeling really dejected by all this rejection.

I'd like to write a post called "How to Deal with Rejection," but I don't know that I have a lot of handy tips. I know some things you shouldn't do... mainly because I do them. So here's a list of how *NOT* to deal with rejection.

1) Remember every previous rejection you've ever had. From the cute boys who never paid much attention to me, to not getting accepted to Missouri State Fine Arts Academy, to not getting certain scholarships that I interviewed for, to never getting any part that I really wanted in a play. I shouldn't remember them all and play back in my heart all the disappointment I've felt from reaching for something I really want and being told no.

2) Use absolute words like "always" and "never." Talking about how I'm always disappointed, is never a good idea, because it removes the possibility that there have been any gray areas or bright spots and it sounds like nothing has ever worked out, when, in actuality, I live a pretty happy life.

3) Take it personally. I've been a drama teacher, I've been on the panel for a literary journal, I've been on the other side of the hiring committee. Choices are never personal, they are based on talent level and chemistry and mood and balance and a hundred other things that aren't personal, but it still feels so personal, every time.

4) Avoid future rejection. This is my worst one. For a time in my life I tried to just stop wanting anything.  If I didn't care, then I couldn't be hurt. Which is technically true, but a terrible way to live life. I've gotten a little better about this, but I still am very emotionally reserved about practically everything. It's so hard for me to let go and loosen up, but I don't know how you can pretend that you don't want a job... being able to live is kinda important. I've wondered a few times if it was possible to get someone else to send my stuff out so that I would only hear if I got accepted, not if I was rejected, but that seems sort of a cheaty way to go about it.

5) Let your light go out. I just... I don't expect my life to be a movie or perfectly smooth. I don't expect to be a huge star who is known all over the world. But I would like to be known. I would like to make some sort of impact. I would like to actually make a living. I would really like to shine.

Quilt Block Woes

*sigh*

So, I have this great idea for a quilt. 

I have made quilts before, but just little ones for babies. This one is gonna be a big quilt. King-sized.

I figured out how to do it with as little money as possible, considering the unemployment situation.

I planned out how to make it on quilt software to make sure it looked good and to make sure that I liked it, and to lessen the math I had to do.

I figured out how to print the piecing lists, so I have a total list of every block I'm making.

I prewashed my fabric, which I never do, just to be sure.

Picture and discussion about prewashing found on this blog.

I checked and rechecked all my final measurements, to make sure it will be what I want it to be.

 and finally I was ready to cut the fabric.

I used my rotary cutter for precision cuts, and measured very carefully.

Then it was time to sew. I pinned everything and sewed at a slow to medium pace.

 I checked all my seams, and they are all 1/4 inch.

And yet, and yet! Despite it all, my 1st block is 1/2 inch shorter on one side than it should be.

Nooooooooooooo!

What. the. what. Fabric is so frustrating sometimes.

But it is pretty, dontcha think?

I'm not going to fix it yet.. I'm going to wait for some of the other blocks to come out too short and then just add an extra book to make it work right.

Highs and Lows and Bacon Mac and Cheese

It's such an up-and-down existence.

I got a message about a job recently that I think sounds really great for me. I don't want to say much about it, so I don't jinx anything and I'm trying to keep my expectations for gainful employment low, but it got me feeling all hopeful and excited for the future. I was feeling really good on Tuesday.

Then today, I got an e-mail for a government job I applied for: "You were within the Best Qualified, Highly Qualified or Qualified Category, however your application was not reviewed or referred for employment consideration."

I mean, I'm happy that they actually sent an e-mail so that I have a clue, but... that's not exactly helpful. "You were totally qualified, but we just weren't that interested." Bah!!

But ok, this is a job that gives preference to vets, and (especially considering the perspective I have gained since dating a vet) I'm really glad that vets are getting jobs. So that's the perspective I'm adopting. A ton of vets who are highly qualified applied and there was only one job. But I need a job, too. And I mean, I know I'm not a war vet, but shouldn't there be a job where I can get preferential hiring as a widow? Do they give preferential treatment to widows of men killed in action? Cause they should. Even more than me, "war widows" should get preferential treatment. Ok, new perspective. A widow did get the government job. Just not *this* widow.

Also, I would like to share with you an important discovery I have made this week.

It looks like this:

Now before you get all judge-y on me, hear me out.

Normally the gross thing about frozen meals is the meat which can be a bit sketch. But this is Jimmy Dean. They are meat people. If the meat in their meal/bowl/thingie is gross they are shooting themselves in the foot, right?

That's what I figured when I bought it at the store, and then I was brave enough to try it, and you know what? I thought it was great. The noodles and the bacon and the cheese sauce have all been cooked separately and frozen and then added to the bowl because someone somewhere figured out the best way to freeze things and the right size to cut everything so that it all tastes like food on the other side of the microwave. It wasn't quite as good as Panera, but honestly? It was pretty darn close.

It's not great on the sodium and saturated fat levels, but when has mac and cheese ever been? And in total it's 440 calories-- again, not bad when Applebees is all excited because they have lunches under 600 calories.

So you know, on a day when you kinda want some comfort food because the government likes you enough to take your tax dollars, but not enough to give you a job, it's not a bad call.

(I promise, Mister Jimmy Dean did not pay me for this endorsement... but if he wants to hire me, I'll tell Jimmy, "Abso-flippin-lutely.")

What Have I Been Up To?

There is a lot of time between applying for jobs and looking for jobs. I apply to at least one job per day, and I spend many hours looking for jobs to apply for, but you can't fill all of your time looking for a job because that will drive you insane. So what do I do in the mean time?

Read:

I went to the library and picked up five books the other day and not a single one of them was assigned to me. It's been a while since I could read something without feeling bad that I wasn't reading something for school or something more "literary." But the simple truth is that I like my Mercedes Lackey and "non-literary" fiction just as much, if not more than the other stuff... There is nothing wrong with liking a book because it makes you feel good and fufilled, rather than sad and depressed. Especially when your life is stressing you out already.

Craft: 

It's been just as long, I think, since I haven't felt like I had to squeeze my craft/art stuff in during whatever time I could find. I got this gorgeous sconce from a yard sale for three dollars and then took it from a shiny kinda tacky gold to this pretty aqua blue that acknowledges the possibility of tacky but embraces all the over-the-top scrolls and flourishes. And, thanks to my mom and e-bay, I've got some matching sconces coming to me. I can't wait to paint them, too! And to contrast all that bright color, I've started designing and blocking out a quilt that I've wanted to make for a while now. It's going to be all in greys, blacks, whites, creams, ect. I know, it sounds bland, but trust me. It will look good. I went to JoAnns to get some good deals on some quarter-yards, and I got many compliments. Neutrals don't have to be boring, and there is a ton of patterns and textures in it. I paid attention in my art classes. I know how to work this! I think it's going to look awesome. I'm pretty sure there will be more blogs about that in the future.
I did a lot of exploring quilt software, while trying to design this quilt. I know I'm not the first person to have ever made one because I got the idea from pinterest, but it is simple enough that I wanted to design it on my own and complicated enough that I wanted some computer help. It's ridiculous to me if we don't use these beautiful machines to help us do the tedious math. I am currently on a trial of some software (generally agreed to be the 2nd best, as far as I've seen), it's pretty badly designed on the user end, but seems to work adequately on the back end. I'm still curious about what the "best" quilting software would be like, but I don't have the money to spend on it now, and they don't have a trial option. I've also been watching you-tube videos in order to learn how to applique, because I am my mother's daughter, and while elaborate cross-stitching work isn't really my style, appliqueing a quilt block seems like something I might enjoy. And I love to have something to do while watching tv or at art nights that my friends host. Some people Zen Tangle. Maybe I'll quilt. Who knows.

Watch:
I admit it. I watch weird things these days. For some reason I got into watching these guys play Minecraft on YouTube. I can't really explain why it's enjoyable to me, but it is. Part of it is that they are British and what American doesn't love to listen to a British accent? Part of it is they start out just playing Minecraft and then somehow the series morphs into this weird half scripted/ half improvised action adventure acted out by Minecraft characters. Then after I "finished" their first series (Warning: it doesn't end, they just sorta stop) I went on to a different series, and then another and then another. But sometimes it's absolutely hilarious and the rest of the time it's good for background stuff while I'm cleaning or doing mundane crafting or whatever. I've found that I really like this kinda stuff for that. I've also been watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I know. You don't have to tell me that this is not great television. But again. It's funny and it's good for background. Let me tell you. I love Doctor Who, but The Doctor deserves my full attention. On the other hand, some guys playing a computer game or some housewives who lead ridiculous lives, can just keep me company in the background and maybe make me feel like I'm not such a terrible person in the mean time.

Play:
This has trickled off the longer I go without finding a job. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I need to feel like I've accomplished something more "real" and tangible, when I don't have a job, but I've been working my way through Final Fantasy XII. First off, let me say: They need to put some flipping pants on Fran, the bunny girl. I don't need to see that every time I'm leading the girl party.. But other than that, I was enjoying my first foray into the world of Final Fantasy. I'm sure I'm not done with it. When I'm feeling less job conscious or tired of all the hobbies I've picked back up, I'm sure I'll return to it. I don't know why it took me so long to play one, but it's fun... and it's free, which is good.

What I Haven't Been Doing:
Calling my friends: Is it stress? Partly. I think I'm letting my insecurity with the job translate over into other areas of my life as well, so I've not been reaching out nearly as much as I should. Which is dumb, cause I have great friends, and I have "all this time." But it's like the abundance of time is almost paralyzing in it's own way. I've completely reverted back to my night owl ways, and I look around and see how busy everyone else is, and here I am just sorta drifting... I never understood why someone who was in a lot of money trouble wouldn't want to open their bills-- I always thought, "But not opening them doesn't change their content." But now I'm starting to understand better. It's hard to be confronted with what you know is your own failure... and seeing people who know me seems to somehow underline my job-less-ness in my own mind.

Working out: I started working out this summer during the busiest time I had in school... and I managed 3 times a week for a month or so... and now it's dropped off significantly. I haven't given it up completely. The other night I did 6 sets of 9 (girl) pushups, which is pretty good, considering I started at 5 sets of 5 and could barely do it. So I've upped it to a little more than double. But you'd think I'd do it every day with all my free time. Nope. Not so much.




Ok guys, I'm ready to work again. Introspection and free time are overrated.

Creature of Habit (aka why a career is like a boyfriend, apparently)

What? Renée has written a blog post!?! That's something that doesn't happen every day... ok, well, it doesn't any more.

I'm going to try to get back into the swing of things, though... because, I mean, really, what else do I have going on?

So quick and dirty life update: I'm still dating Jason (he's wonderful, but would deny that if you asked him), I graduated with my Masters on Aug 1st, and (though I have been applying a lot) I've not heard back from anyone.

It's hard. I mean obviously, I know I shouldn't take it personally. I know it's all in who you know and getting the right notice at the right time and something will come along and it will be great and ect. ect. ect. But it's hard to be here. I keep saying-- this time off would be a whole lot easier to enjoy if I knew when it was going to end. If I was on an actual vacation rather than unemployed. Even the word, "unemployed" feels terrible. It makes me feel like a loser and a drain on society. If it were a choice I were making, it would be different. If I could claim a different title. If I was a "housewife" or a "stay-at-home mom," not having a job would be lovely and I could work and make my Etsy things and get better at quilting and paint hoodies to my heart's content (or at least I think that from this side of the fence!) I don't judge someone else for being unemployed, but boy howdy am I judging myself. It feels scummy.

It's not like I'm only looking for writing/tech writing jobs. I'm looking for administrative assistant style jobs, too. I did that for 4 years for the church and while I'd rather be doing something more project-orientated, I certainly didn't mind being an administrator and I was pretty good at it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!

Could I get a part-time job? I mean, I do have the Pixelscopic stuff when they need me and, yeah, I probably could get something in retail or food service, and if this stretches out too long I might have to, but I have some money in savings and while I don't want to blow through that either, I also don't want to take a stop-gap part time thing that stresses me out with learning a new job and slows down my ability to look for a full-time "real" job that can actually support me. Cause that's the thing. In the long run, I need something that can support me.

It's so frustrating. I mean I'm a good employee. I really think that I am, and as far as I know every supervisor I've had would say the same. I'm calm and I work well with others and I have a good work ethic and I'm personable and I learn what I need to do quickly and I do my job well. But it's not like I can just write on my resume: "You are a fool if you don't call this girl in for an interview." Cause that's very bombastic, for one, and perhaps not the greatest first impression. Should I start mailing HR departments cookies? I probably should. Sugar cookies that say, "Hire Renée, today!"

I'm not great at selling myself. I don't think in terms of numbers or scope of projects or talents. I try to be so great that other people will sell me, or somehow my previous work will sell me. I make the cookies. You tell me if they are good enough. When I have to tell you if they are good enough I want to undersell. Because maybe you don't like nuts, or maybe chocolate or cinnamon isn't your thing, or maybe (God forbid!) you like raisins in your oatmeal cookies. If I have to tell you that I'm going to blow you away then I probably won't. I will have probably raised your expectations far beyond my ability to exceed them. Or at least that's how my mind works. But I know that you can't do that on a resume, so I have done the best I can to avoid that... and yet I've still to receive any calls.

Today my phone rang and I got excited. And then I saw it was a number from Florida, but I went ahead and answered, cause you never know. "Hello?"

... "Hola!" followed by a long string of Spanish that I could not begin to keep up with.

*sigh* *End Call*

I mean... good gravy, hire me for a two-week trial period and if you don't think I do a good job, let me go. I'm pretty confident that you wouldn't, but if you've been burned by employees before, I get it. Call my references, please! Call them all. I'm not sure the Mt. Vernon principal from 2008 will have a strong recollection of me, but that's fine, you can go for it. I can put you in touch with a few of my former students, if that would help.

I sound desperate. I'm not... at least not yet. But I am serious. It's legitimately as demoralizing as trying to start dating again, only this time I can't wait for two years for the right one to come along. Oh gosh... yeah. I've just read back over this thing and it really is like dating. I even hear the same things. "Just be patient." "The right one will come along." "Stay positive, don't beat yourself up." "Try and focus on other things, too." I could literally reskin this blog and make it about boys, and it would be my blogs from like 2012.

Ha! Can't you imagine it? Here's paragraph 5 from above: "It's not like I'm only looking for brunettes. I'm into gingers, too. I never had a crush on a red head and while I'm naturally drawn to brunettes, I certainly know and love a lot of people with red hair and even tried it a time or two myself  and I looked pretty good in it.  But at this point I really just want someone to call me back. Just call me in and talk to me!"

*shakes my head* I guess the more things change the more they don't change even a little bit? I mean this should probably be encouraging, right? Jason certainly turned out to be pretty great, and at least I can apply for a job. You can't really submit a girlfriend application unless you have the money to hire a matchmaker.

School things

First off, I really want a hamburger. All over the city, the smell of hamburgers has been following me until no other food sounds like it could compare.

I said it on facebook but it bears repeating. I really love being a student. I wish there was a way I could be paid to go to school forever without being a teacher.

My one class today was awesome. Not because of the subject matter, though I think that will be at least mildly interesting, but because I knew about 50% of my classmates, and I love *love* being in a class where people I know come and sit near me/by me and ask how my summer was and tell me about theirs and chat with me before class. It was great last year, even when I didn't know anyone, but it's fantastic this year, already.

Also I love that my job is actually proving to be kinda useful to my friends as they start their TA's (teaching assistantships) I was able to give lots of decent advice today just in the five minutes before class about Blackboard and experts and training classes, which was so nice. Huzzah.

Also either I or my supervisor have a stalker, so that's interesting... on the "Springfield Bear Confessions" page:  

4890- There is this lady I think is insanely cute who works in the library. Sometimes she teaches classes in a room on the second floor, sometimes I see her in Cheek, and her office is in the back corner of The second floor of the library. She is so hot, I think about her while out with my girlfriend, I dream about her in my dorm room, and I cannot get her lovely body out of my mind. I know a wonderfully cute and married woman like that would never give a guy like me the time of day, but now that I have her in my mind I cannot seem to get her out of it. I have fantasized about her all summer, even when I tried not to. How the hell do I get her out of my head. I dont wanna seem like some stalker but I cannot live a normal life when every thought is of her. I wrote a paper recently that mentioned the library, when I reread it I realized I had changed at that mention and wrote 7 pages of fantasy about her.

 ...Yeah. Pretty sure it's about my supervisor, but our office is in the "back corner of the second floor" of the library, we have tech training in a room on the second floor, our other training center (and most of computer services) is over in Cheek so we are over there all the time. (She teaches classes way more often, which is why I think it's her.) The only thing that isn't accurate is that neither of us are married, but ours is the only office in any corner of the library on the second floor... so I'm almost positive that it's her.... it's too many specifics not to be.

And that's pretty much everything I wanted to say...  Now to find that burger!

Revelation

by William Carlos Williams

I awoke happy, the house
Was strange, voices
Were across a gap
Through which a girl
Came and paused,
Reaching out to me--

Then I remembered
What I had dreamed--
A girl
One whom I knew well
Leaned on the door of my car
And stroked my hand--

I shall pass her on the street
We shall say trivial things
To each other
But I shall never cease
To search her eyes
For that quiet look--

Thoughts on 30

It's been a long time, I know. I haven't blogged recently cause all I would blog about is how busy I am and that seems like it would get really old really fast.... but I'm going to blog about how busy I am tonight. :) I'm still working as a grad assistant at Missouri State. That, plus actual classes, plus Pixelscopic, plus preaching at church, plus sometimes singing on the worship team, plus maintaining a healthy relationship with a person you don't live with (I'd forgotten how much time that takes!), plus trying to maintain my other friendships, means my writing (blogging, writing, and even my writing group, sadly) have all taken a backseat to surviving.  Don't get me wrong, I love everything I just mentioned, I'm just often overwhelmed.

Take this week for example: I got home Sunday night from my family "4th of July" celebration.  I basically fell asleep as soon as I walked in the door and slept for 5 hours. Then I woke up, ate dinner at 2 in the morning, and went back to sleep. Monday morning I got up at 8 in the morning and worked on a paper that was technically due that evening though I got an extension, and prepped for class, then went in at noon to work, then straight to class and I got back home at around 9 that evening. Monday night I wrote a final (take-home essay) and went to bed around midnight or 1. Tuesday I got up at 9 went into work at 11 (oh and I should mention its a very busy time at work because it's almost a new semester and we got a lot of sudden new documentation that has to be done.) I left at 4:30 went home, met up with Jason and friends and went to Silver Dollar City for the evening, got home at 11:30 or so and crashed. Then on Wednesday I left for work at around 8:45, worked until 5:30-- and I do mean *worked* I think that's the most I've ever done in a single day at work--, came home, proofed and e-mailed my final and started work on my final paper for the same class... I finished it at 5 AM and went to sleep at 6 AM.  Then I woke up at 8:30 got to work at 9:30, worked for 2 hours, grabbed lunch with Jason, took my car to the dealership to get it maintained, went home took somewhere between a 30 min and 1.5 hour nap, while also doing laundry. Got up, showered and packed and packed and packed. Ran to Wal-mart, had dinner with Jason,  watched a Dr. Who, revised my paper and e-mailed it out, curled my hair, and went to bed at like 1 AM... only to get up the next morning and leave for St. Louis so I could get on a plane to come to Philadelphia. Lots of fun happened in the week, but not enough sleep and a *lot* of work also happened.

And now here I am in Philadelphia!

And I looooooooove that I could come see Kara, because I've missed her so much.

But today is my 30th birthday and I feel old. And not where I wanted to be in my life. I feel like I should have a plan, but beyond some "it would be nice" ideas, I don't have a clue what I want to do after I graduate (probably in May or this time next year)... I feel like I'm about a year farther into my life than I was at this time 10 years ago, which feels pathetic. I don't know how I will make enough money to support myself and I don't know how I will find time to write when it feels like I don't have the time to write now. And I'm worried about my retirement on a practical level (I should have already saved a million dollars by now! I can't get that time back when it comes to investments!)

So my 30th birthday has a very mixed set of feelings in it. It's great to be with Kara, and to relish in just how very *known* I am with her, but I also find myself introspecting, which frankly is always dangerous with me. I think knowing how little I can predict the future makes me want to be very secure financially and have a million back up plans... and I'm not and I don't and that's not likely to change... that is unless someone knows how to make a million dollars painting my own nails, baking cookies for people (for free), crafting, and writing YA books?

So... Thirty... how about you prove me wrong.

Don't Call Me Fragile

So I've got about five blogs swimming around in my head, and no time in which to blog them... but when have I not chosen to procrastinate on a big paper four days before it's due? I may end up having to take Wednesday off from life.

Anyway the River Pretty Writers Retreat was this weekend, and it went well I think. I really love getting a chance like that to be away from the rest of the world for a while and getting to know people better. I  made a lot of new friends this weekend and strengthened several that were made last semester.

Something that is interesting about the workshops in the writing retreat: We are given writing prompts or exercises and then somewhere between 10 or 20 minutes to write. Then someone reads what they've written and everyone else reacts to it. I've noticed that I tend to write non-fiction in these workshops, because it's hard for me to be spontaneously creative in that way. (For instance, of the three or four exercises this weekend, only one was fiction.)

It's a little rough because a lot of what I write about is being a widow. I think I just need to accept that I need to write a memoir to get out all the stuff, instead of revisiting it over and over and over. Widowhood dominates my writing more than it does my life.

Interestingly enough though I had three very distinct widow experiences this weekend.

One (and chronologically the final one) happened in conversation. One of my writing friends is a poetry guy and somehow over the course of the last 6-8 months that I've known him he didn't know about Nathan. So we were helping a girl who had gotten pretty intoxicated get to bed and he made a comment about his wife having a lot of health problems and so he was sort of trained to take care of sick people. And I agreed, and made some comment about recovering from caretaker fatigue. I said something about taking care of someone with cancer, thinking that he already knew my background, and he asked who and I said, "Oh... my husband."

We had been walking and he stopped dead in his tracks. He had no clue. He asked if he could give me a hug. I obliged, half because he looked like he needed a hug. Several times the rest of the weekend he commented on my strength.

Two happened at the student reading (I really can't remember if this reading was before or after the next experience, but I've got a organizational plan which places this one here.) One of my friends from the last retreat read a story, a fictional piece which takes place 10-15 days after his wife dies. (His wife is not dead.) He mentioned it was the most difficult thing he's ever written and the hardest thing he's ever had to do. It was really interesting to hear what he thought it would be like for him... It made me think about how, before Nathan died, I thought I might handle his death. It isn't the first time I've said this, but before he got sick I thought that if Nathan ever died I'd become a hermit. I'd run off to the upstairs of my parent's house and become a hermit, and never venture out into the world again. That's what I thought. This friend was very concerned about what I thought and how I reacted to his piece, but I can't be insulted by someone truly trying to imagine what life would be like. He said a lot of things that weren't at all like what I'd gone through... but he said some things that were right on. And that doesn't mean that he was wrong about how he'd react-- it just means that he is not like me. It did make me slightly paranoid (as I often am) that the way I handled Nathan's death makes it look like I didn't love him with all that I had. But that's my weird issue, not his. And it was sweet of him to be concerned about my reaction.

And then there was the third experience, which also happened at the student readings. A boy from Oklahoma read something he'd written from the perspective of a Marine Family Relations Officer. I can't tell you what the story was about... at all. Because towards the beginning of the story he read the words, "fragile widows."

And it was all I could do for the rest of his reading was not walk up to him and punch him in the nose and then yell, "Who's fragile now!?!"

I was ticked.

Not only was I mad for the cause of widows everywhere, but I happen to be dating a Marine. Now it's true he's not an FRO, but one of the many reasons I like my Marine is that my widowhood says to him that I'm very strong. He has seen widows in mourning and he does not call them fragile. He calls them strong. I was so put off by how wrong this guy's casual reference to myself and my sisters in grief was.

It really angers me how prevalent this idea of the flawed-ness or fragility of widows is in society. Maybe it comes from the people who try to imagine (like me, once) what they would do if they lost their spouse. **This is different from my friend who honestly and sincerely put himself through the real imagining of what would happen. Much like an actor he put in the work to make himself that character-- to have that character's experiences.** Maybe it comes from the pity. I heard a woman say to my friend (after he made a general announcement that his wife had not died) how glad she was to hear that his wife was alive because she'd been feeling so sorry for him.

Again, a reason I appreciate Jason. He does not pity me. He wishes that I hadn't had to go through it, but he doesn't pity me. He also doesn't view the terrible side note that I once had a husband who died as something that's wrong with me. In fact he's baffled by the fact that anyone would.

I'm a widow, and that simple fact has taught me that I have a core of steel. Much of what I am has been stripped or blown away, but that doesn't mean I'm fragile. I've been tested. If life is a fist fight I've been fighting a berserker who is three times my size and not pulling his punches. Being hit doesn't make you fragile. Heck, even being broken doesn't make you fragile. Strong things break all the time. What makes something fragile is being easily broken. And trust me when I say that the death of one's spouse is not an easy blow.

Yes, I am a widow but don't call me fragile.

Push Play

Since Nathan's diagnosis it has felt like my life has been on pause. I used to comfort us actually, by saying that our lives were just on pause and soon it would resume.

Then Nathan died and the DVD totally stopped. The disc made that screeching noise that means it stopped spinning and there was just a blue screen. (What? It's just my DVD player that makes that noise? Oh. Oh well, go with a record coming to an abrupt stop if you are more familiar with that noise... or squealing breaks... whatever. Anyway.)

After about a year the picture came back (though someone had rewound it a ways) and when I took that first class it was as if someone had pushed the play button.... but they hadn't taken pause off so my life was still running in slow motion.

And since then the speed has slowly been bumping up, every now and again.

Until now... Now it feels like I'm playing at normal speed, again.

And I'm not going to lie-- it's a little overwhelming. I'm already the type of person who will just leave things be longer than they should because I'm normally quite fine with the status quo, but there are a lot of things that are being added to my plate and I'm not used to it, yet.

Tim (the preacher at my church) is going on sabbatical at the beginning of May until late August. I'm not really taking up a lot more responsibilities there, actually. I'll be preaching a few more times, but it's not crazy.... but I *am* feeling a little more weight and expectations falling back on my shoulders as a leader.

School is hitting that very busy time, when lots of things are coming due.

Work is also hitting a heavy load time.

And then there is the whole being in a new relationship thing... Which is wonderful, but part of the problem (and part of the wonderfulness) of a new relationship is you don't want to do anything else when you are with that person... so all of your responsibilities have to get shoved into the time that you *aren't* with that person.... and of course both of you are actively trying to make the time you aren't together as small as possible, because twitterpation is for realsies.

And of course in the background of it all is are the widow issues that I'm constantly dealing with to some extent or another.

So I'm searching for balance, and finding it rather elusive. I have to learn how to get work done when I'm hanging out with Jason. (And to be clear, this is totally my problem. He tries to encourage me to do what I need to and I get all pouty and say no.) I have to learn how to actually do my homework when I have free time instead of napping or watching the last season of Eureka or trying to find a side zip hoodie. I have to learn how to clean my house and put away my stuff and do things even when I don't feel like it, because I don't have time to do it later.

So basically I'm praying that I somehow get it all accomplished by a miracle.

And I know that it shouldn't take a miracle. I know this is the normal pace of life for most people... but it's been so long since my life was going at this sort of clip that it feels like things are spinning a bit. Remember merry-go-rounds from when you were a kid? Remember how it was really hard to grab ahold and run with it and jump on if you came to it already spinning at full speed? That's a bit how it feels now that someone finally pushed play on my life.

But it's good, too. It's so good.

I'm just not sure how to both enjoy it and keep up.

Bomb Diggity List

So you may have noticed of late a distinct decrease in blogging.

This is for many reasons but the biggest of which is that I've started dating someone... in fact, I even call him my boyfriend from time to time...

And obviously new relationships take up a lot of time, which one might normally spend blogging.

But despite my lessened blogging time I'm having a fine old time and remembering all over again all the wonderful things that boys can/will do for you that you *could* do for yourself.. only you spend three times more effort than they seem to expend on the same activity.

So let me give a list to you of the many reasons why I have remembered that Boyfriends are the Bomb Diggity. (in no particular order)

1. Boyfriends can change your lightbulbs without a step ladder.
2. Boyfriends can hang that last picture in your stairwell that neither you nor any of your other friends could reach to hang.
3. Boyfriends will watch Dr. Who with you.
4. Boyfriends will make you breakfast for dinner. (Best pancakes evah!)
   4.5 Boyfriends will buy you dinner (different night... I don't have two dinners a day).
5. Boyfriends will play games with your friends.
6. Boyfriends will convince you to try Star Wars Risk, which you will like despite your initial misgivings.
7. Boyfriends will introduce you to yummy new foods like corned beef hash and horchata (not at the same time).
8. Boyfriends will tuck a blanket all around you so you won't be cold anymore.
9. Boyfriends have tiny tiny screwdrivers to fix your broken sunglasses.... and they will do the fixin for you, even though you totally just meant for them to bring over the tool so you could fix your own eyewear.
10. Boyfriends will take away the excess cookies so you are no longer haunted with the choice of either wasting the cookies or eating the cookies- neither of which you want to do.

Diggin' it

Holy crap. Long time no blog. Sorry dudes.

I'm on Spring Break now... I spoke at church last Sunday, and life is just generally keeping me pretty busy. I'm really glad I spoke on this Sunday rather than next Sunday cause I would have felt it hanging over my head all break and I have no such feeling right now.

To celebrate spring break, I got 4 new nail polishes (they were on sale!) Three of them are glitter... I might have an addiction, but it's such a pretty one that I can't seem to care.

Things I'm currently totally digging right now:

These "potato" candies from See's in the mall. (They contain no actual potato.)

My new nail polish.

This fox basket I saw at Target.

My red ombré... I can't believe I haven't blogged since ombré!

This gorgeous Art Deco style homage to The Last Unicorn.
http://szienna.tumblr.com/post/34593495945/my-first-halftoned-work-submitting-it-to-a-24h

And since we are on art, I'm mighty partial to this one act that is finally in print.

I feel like there are other things as well, in addition to the obvious and constant, family and friends, but I don't know quite what they are. I'm about to go eat lunch with a friend... Weekday lunches. Add that one to the list of things I dig... but I don't have any pics of that.

Balancing the scales

One time in college I was a terrible person.

Kara and I were roommates and if you know anything about us, you know that Kara is a morning person and I... am not.

Except for this one weekend morning when I woke up raring to go at like 8AM. Fluke thing. It happens sometimes.

It doesn't often happen when a fluke happens to Kara on the same morning, though.

So I was up and at 'em... and I got up. And I showered... and I got dressed... and I'm sure I looked at my homework... and I sat around waiting for Kara to wake up at any moment, but she didn't and I was bored.

So I wrote a short paper I had for a class.

And she still wasn't awake and by this time it was at *least* 10 AM (and it should probably be noted that I don't even think it's sleeping-in until it's 11. )

But I was soooooo bored.

So I printed my paper.

On the printer I had in our room.

Which happened to be very noisy... no annoying loud shrieking or anything, just noisy in that clunking printer way. I did this with the hope that it would wake up Kara so she would come out and play.

And it totally worked! The printer made noise and she made her cute yawn noise and woke up, surprised that I was already up.

The problem is that later that day I admitted my secret plan to her.

And to this day I've never been able to live down that time I printed something out just to wake her up.

But  my friends, after a decade long grudge, the day has come when Kara and I once again stand on equal footing.

Guess who texted me at 7:00 AM this morning. (Sure, she offered up some malarky about getting the time change wrong.... but you know what? I *had* to print that paper, too.)

And once the text woke me up I couldn't go right back to sleep.... so I texted her back at 7:15 and we talked till 8:40.

There are very few people in this world whom I'd wake up for at 7:15 just to shoot the breeze with.

But at least now we are even.

Unfortunately I don't know how to print something at her place in Philly.

Procrastiblogging: Grad School Edition

Is it sacrilegious to praise the Lord for Pepsi and Ritz chips? Cause that's what I wanted to do this afternoon.

I've been having a very sleepy day, and Pepsi granted me caffeine and the Ritz Chips granted me... something to eat with my caffeine. 

Big test tomorrow. Procrastiblogging has begun!

By the by, I'm speaking in church on March 10th. It's actually part of a sermon series, which makes me feel cool and official.

So what's happening in my life and my mind these days?

A lot. Most of which I'm not prepared to blog about, some of which I can't.

But if there has been a theme for 2013 thus far, it's been, "Expect the unexpected."

The surprises have been all over the place. Some really good things, some really tough things, some things that are yet to be determined.

I'm still loving grad school. I think I love it more this semester than I did last semester. So that's awesome.

The boy situation has taken an interesting turn... which is all I'm prepared to say at this juncture. 

Family has it's mixture of good things and bad things, as per usual, but the good things and the bad things that you would expect seem to be switched, actually.

Spring break is approaching- The first Spring Break I've had in.... many years. I'm very excited about having time to just relax and watch some television and read some "for fun" books and hang out with friends.... I think becoming a creative writing professor might be a really good idea for me. You know, if I'm not going to become a world famous author. Not taking that last option off the table just yet.... or ever.

19 of 30

The List

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

Well, this isn't a fair question at all. So my answer isn't going to be fair, either. I'm making up a new city. It's called Philamemfield.

It's the combination of Philly, Memphis, and Springfield.

Here's why:

I think that there is something truly wonderful and special about growing up in a super small community. There are experiences and topics that only people from my town can understand. Often small towns get dogged on for being resistant to change and "backwater." But you know what? It's like I have a huge extended, extended family. Yeah, everyone knew my business, but... it also kept me out of trouble. The one time I remember hanging out with "unsavory" sorts from some other town in highschool I saw like 5 people from my church, and all I wanted was to get the heck away from those boys before they did something illeagal and I got in trouble. My childhood was idyllic, and I think a good portion of that is from growing up in the wholesome countryside. Also I miss having snow that stayed on the ground for longer than 12 hours before melting away. Plus it would be nice not to have to drive 5 hours to get home.

That said, I love living in Springfield, where if I realize I'm out of chocolate chips I can run to the store on the way to my friend's house at 7 at night after driving through for Chinese takeout. And I can order a pizza and have it delivered to my house. And I can leave for work 15 minutes before I have to be there. And I don't have to plan going to a movie a week in advance if I don't want to. And I can go get pancakes at 3 in the morning if I want to. And despite all that I feel safe driving and people are super nice and there is parking wherever I go.

Which leads me to Philly which has beautiful historic architecture and a rich history and fabulous museums and bookstores and restaurants and culture... and Kara. And I miss living in the same town as her. So much.

To-Done List

I've done well today.

I kept telling everyone that I needed today off... And because I actually got my wish I used it to my advantage.

So, today:
I put away all my laundry but the dirty stuff.
I did my dishes.
I collected and documented all my taxes (have to actually take them to the accountant, but I wasn't going out in that even if the office was open today.)
I finished Beowulf.
I collected all the vocabulary I could glean from the first chapter of my Grammar book. (One more chapter to go before Sat!)
I paid my bills.
I mopped my kitchen floor.
I e-mailed people.
I spoke to friends.
I somehow managed to get 22 and 29 likes on two Facebook statusi made only an hour apart. Jigga wha?? That's what happens when most of one's friends are at home all day, too, I guess.

I just generally knocked a whole bunch of stuff off my to do list like a boss, and I'm feeling mighty victorious about it.

Which is really good cause this weekend is gonna be kinda crazy I think. Crazy, but in a good way.

Now here's hoping I can get out of my driveway tomorrow morning.

Motivational Star Trek

I really think I might be ok with being hit by an ice storm that shuts down campus. I need a day when I can't find anything to do but all the stuff I've been putting off.

I seem to be severely lacking in motivation lately.

For instance there is an embarrassingly large pile of clothes at the foot of my bed right now that are all *clean.* Do I need to put them away?

Yep.

Have I continued over and over just to dump out the clean laundry in that pile whenever I needed my laundry basket to wash more clothes?

Yep.

All my tax stuff is sitting on the half wall that separates my stairs from my hallway.

Pretty sure I'll be getting money back from that, and yet the papers remain.

Two bills are sitting on my table right now, with no reason to not mail in.

Still they sit.

Big test coming up next Tuesday-- need to start prepping for that.

Have barely done anything.

Dirty dishes from the weekend are sitting on my kitchen counter.

I don't even think I *looked* at them today.

There is just no sense of urgency for any of it.

Bills and taxes aren't due yet. No one sees the laundry or knows how long those dishes have been there (Well, ok, you do now.) The test is an entire week from now.

But everything is going to hit the fan soon. I've already got things piling up for this weekend, and on Sunday night when I'm totally overwhelmed, I'm going to be remembering how all I did Tuesday night was read one chapter of my Grammar text which I didn't absorb very well and which by the way that test is over...  oh and paint my nails.

And then I will raise my well-manicured fist to the sky and yell:

"Khaaaaan!"

And I'll feel slightly better.

Experience

Last night I went to a party.

This party was the 30th birthday of a grad-student friend of mine (and two other girls, who I didn't know.) It was kinda nuts, which I knew it would be, going into it.

Eventually some other grad-student friends showed up and I was glad to have some people at the party who I actually knew, but for a while there I was just standing around wondering how soon it would be polite to leave.

I didn't really want to go in the first place. It's not my scene- but... everyone has to have an experience like that at least once, right?

Probably not, actually, but I'm not sad that I went.

I'm also *not* sad that I didn't drink and left after 2 hours. When I left you literally couldn't even walk through the house. You just had to lean one direction and hope that the crowd carried you that way.

That's only a slight exaggeration.

I took cookies.

Most people show up to these things with beer or Jello shots. I brought cookies.

But they were a hit, and the birthday guy took a huge plate of them (the ones where I'd added raisins, which I think are disgusting, but he requested, so fine.) and hid them in his room.

And I also got to connect/touch base with people outside of school, which was really nice.

And now this morning I feel great and I'm actually up way earlier than I normally am, though I have no doubt there are a lot of people moaning in bed and pulling the covers over their eyes.

And just to complete the experience I think I'm gonna go get fast-food breakfast, cause it feels like the right thing to do. :)