Balancing the scales

One time in college I was a terrible person.

Kara and I were roommates and if you know anything about us, you know that Kara is a morning person and I... am not.

Except for this one weekend morning when I woke up raring to go at like 8AM. Fluke thing. It happens sometimes.

It doesn't often happen when a fluke happens to Kara on the same morning, though.

So I was up and at 'em... and I got up. And I showered... and I got dressed... and I'm sure I looked at my homework... and I sat around waiting for Kara to wake up at any moment, but she didn't and I was bored.

So I wrote a short paper I had for a class.

And she still wasn't awake and by this time it was at *least* 10 AM (and it should probably be noted that I don't even think it's sleeping-in until it's 11. )

But I was soooooo bored.

So I printed my paper.

On the printer I had in our room.

Which happened to be very noisy... no annoying loud shrieking or anything, just noisy in that clunking printer way. I did this with the hope that it would wake up Kara so she would come out and play.

And it totally worked! The printer made noise and she made her cute yawn noise and woke up, surprised that I was already up.

The problem is that later that day I admitted my secret plan to her.

And to this day I've never been able to live down that time I printed something out just to wake her up.

But  my friends, after a decade long grudge, the day has come when Kara and I once again stand on equal footing.

Guess who texted me at 7:00 AM this morning. (Sure, she offered up some malarky about getting the time change wrong.... but you know what? I *had* to print that paper, too.)

And once the text woke me up I couldn't go right back to sleep.... so I texted her back at 7:15 and we talked till 8:40.

There are very few people in this world whom I'd wake up for at 7:15 just to shoot the breeze with.

But at least now we are even.

Unfortunately I don't know how to print something at her place in Philly.

Thoughts on Promenade

Yesterday's word was adroitly. Someone's on fire!

I was terrible today. I didn't do a lick of homework. Ok I read one short story, from which I would like to modify my previous statement: Creative writers write about death and the sexual molestation of children... I think I'm glad I'm one of the death-ers.

But that little bit was the only homework I did. As for the rest of the day-- I slept till noon (went to bed at 3 so it's not as bad as it sounds.) I wrote three semi-lengthy e-mails and this blog post. I talked to Kara on the phone for an hour and a half. I edited a story... maybe for the last time? (That might actually turn out to be homework, not sure yet.) I went and ate wings with friends and then played a game at Starbucks...

So tomorrow I'm declaring to be Un-fun Sunday. I can go to church and to lunch, but after lunch I have to go home and work on things for class... I could really get in the weeds with Shakespeare if I try to let myself coast any longer.

Plus, I honestly *want* to do my homework... I just keep getting distracted... And I did need to see some friends... The problem with job/school/homework is that my social life gets a little more smushed than I've been used to. This is why all my friends and I should get together and not talk to each other while we work in one big room.

I miss the Seminar Room at Scholars.

I miss the dorms in general... it was so easy to find someone who was either free or seeking the same length of procrastination that you were... and it was also easy to fall into long meandering conversations about life and who you are and who you were and the state of the universe... I don't have enough of those conversations anymore.

There simply is not enough just sitting around and talking in my life these days...

I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous considering I spend 9 hours per week in a classroom, but it is different.

And yes, I'm aware that I just said all my friends needed to get together in a room and not talk and then complained about the lack of conversations in my life... sometimes I think I'm more ok with the paradoxical nature of myself than I should be.

I have two side

I saw on some tv talk show today that they have a laser treatment that erases cellulite. (Not the fat, but the whole dimpling ripply skin yuckiness)

It's expensive but in the two years since they've started doing it no one has had the cellulite come back. Of course, no one knows any of the long term health effects from it either, but they seem to be minimal. Apparently the laser cuts the collagen that is pulling the skin down for the dimples and then melts the fat cells so they smooth out underneath the skin. There is bruising and swelling for a few weeks and you should take the day after off work, but that's basically it. How weird is that!?!

Lasers are amazing.

But we may have already known that.

OK we did. If Star Wars and Star Trek have taught us nothing else, they've taught us that lasers are awesome.

Come on. Light sabers and phasers?? Those are *so* lasers! If you put them on their lowest setting they'd probably get rid of your cellulite, too.

The other day I mentioned to a friend that when I'm working I get up and out of the house in 30 minutes (or less) and he was surprised cause I "seem like the type of girl who would have to get up at 5 AM to be somewhere at 7AM."

First, I try to avoid having to be anywhere at 7AM... that's just unhealthy. :)

Actually, it was a rather nice compliment, though I don't think he was thinking of it that way necessarily...

It would be easy to construe the comment as "You seem really high-maintenance." But Nathan always assured me that I might well be "the least high-maintenance girl ever."

So here's how I'm choosing to interpret the comment: "You are an hour and a half prettier than most girls."

I think this is a hilarious idea. I'd like to measure beauty by time.

"Sunday mornings I look one-hour while most days I just try for a fifteen-minutes."

"I have this bag since Russia." ***

Ok, I might be a little high-maintenance.  Nathan was admittedly biased.

For instance, I'm not into camping. I happen to really like electricity and mattresses and indoor plumbing.

But an air mattress on the back deck? Totally. I'd love that.

Oooooh, or this. I'd go camping if it were like this:

***Oh My Goodness!!! So, a long time ago in college someone found this website for a guy who called himself "Ill Mitch" and so many jokes rose up from this website, most notedly Kara and I telling each other, "I have this bag since Russia." It was a caption on one of his pictures that we loved because (as you may be aware) Russia isn't a time. We still say this to each other from time to time. Well, I just looked him up and it's all still there... Go here, and feast your eyes on the glory of Ill Mitch. Also take a moment to listen to his most glorious of raps, "Fast and Danger"

If you can listen to the whole thing I'll be mondo impressed, but you should at least try to make it to the first "chorus."

"I have two side. One happy. One anger. You can ask a stranger. My board is fast and danger."

I'm almost sure he isn't for real... but I will say this. I think Ill Mitch and Debbie the E-Harmony Cat Girl might be soulmates.

Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Tales of a Former Smart Kid

Ok, so funny story.

I went and took the GRE today.

You know that and it's not funny.

I know! You've barely let me start!

Anyway,
 
The test was a little nerve-wracking, but I thought I did decently. At the end of the test they gave me my preliminary scores (which I've been told I shouldn't totally trust as the prelims sometimes come out higher than the official scores). So I got a 165 Verbal and a 152 Quantitative. I didn't know what the range was, so I just wrote down those numbers in my brain and transferred them to my phone as soon as I exited the building. To be fair those numbers might be wrong, too, just because my brain isn't so hot at remembering numbers even for very short moments of time.

So I wrote the numbers on my phone and immediately looked up "What is a good GRE Score?"... and saw that the top of the range was 800.

And I *freaked* out. I mean I didn't think I did great, but that's just terrible! I know that the adviser said the scores weren't insanely important, but he also said I shouldn't bomb it on purpose and 165 out of 800 sure looks like bombing it to me.

I quickly concluded that all of my test-taking abilities had gone down the drain .. or exploded.... or went on a hot air balloon race into the Bermuda Triangle ... I was a disgrace to my kind, my gpa was full of lies, and I no longer deserved the moniker of "smart kid." Mini-identity crisis began to ensue.

So a friend had e-mailed while I was in the test, and asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her. I hadn't eaten much beforehand thus I was starving... and also ready to drown my sorrows in hanging out with a friend and eating vast quantities of food.

(side note- it was really hard for me to find the contacts list on my phone and then I drove really badly because my brain had turned off all of its life-skills functions to re-open my vault labeled, "High School Geometry.")

 I called her to say yes and then I drove to the restaurant and sat in the parking lot, pondering if I was really making the right choice- applying to grad school... pondering if I could even get in.... pondering my own immense hubris. Pondering how I should really stop using words like hubris in my inner monologue, because I wasn't a smart kid anymore.


I sat in the parking lot and thought to myself. "There is no way I did that badly. I mean how could I have gotten so many things wrong and thought that I was right?" And then I remembered that I was taking a "revised" test. They changed the GRE in 2011. Did you know? This test test was different than it used to be in several ways, including letting you have a calculator on screen, letting you review/ change your test answers, and letting you move around on each section of the test at random. I thought, "Maybe when they changed the test they changed the scoring rubric."

It was a thin hope, but like Obi Wan Kenobi to the Rebel Alliance it was my only one.

So I googled "New GRE test scores"

Yep.

I about had a conniption over the wrong scoring range.

The new one is 130-170 in 1-point increments.

165 suddenly looks a heck of a lot better, doesn't it?

Morals of the story: "Smart kids" can be pretty dumb. I have a lot of my identity still wrapped up in being "smart," even though I didn't realize it. And always make sure you are looking at the right scoring range.

The importance of peppermints

Whoa, hey! I hit 40,000 views 900 views ago. Awesome! I don't even know when that happened.

So... I'm taking the GRE tomorrow.

I went out and played board games tonight with friends.  :) Whoops.

Or maybe not whoops... they say you should try and be relaxed the night before...

Oh, I took a secret road trip to KC yesterday to go to a friend from HS's surprise 30th b-day party. I didn't tell you, internet, because you can't keep your durn mouth closed and you like to tell all my secrets to everyone, including the person who it is a secret from.

Pretty sure I last saw him at my sister's graduation... or maybe my cousins-- it had definitely been 9 or 10 years... It's so strange to meet people who you have this really strong past-connection with.. completely surreal how you just naturally fall into patterns that you used to have... and Kara was with me (because who wants to drive by yourself to a party where you only know the guest of honor?) So that was doubly weird, because it was like she was transported back in time with me from before she knew me... So I didn't know who I was or if I was comin' or goin'. All I can say is that the entire town of St. Joseph now feels like an alternate dimension to me.

I did manage to get some pretty great shots of Bolt, while we were out and about. Kara's in-laws live about an hour from St. Jo, and let us stay with them last night (we bribed them with Bolt-time, and they were super glad to have us... ok I'm sure they would have been happy to have us anyway, but seriously when you come bearing a grandbaby you can do very little wrong. :) Thus we didn't have to make the whole trip in a day.

Cuuute

Cuuuter

the Pièce de résistance

That kid is so dang cute. Plus we have officially reached the stage where he will giggle at me, just because I'm me, and I find that absolutely delightful.... Yep, I love that a baby thinks I look funny. I'm just weird like that.

Oh right... the GRE.

Yeah it's tomorrow at 1:30... so prayer would definitely be appreciated. I'm nervous, but not too stressed about it, because of what the graduate adviser said when I met with him... I just want to do well. I've always been pretty good at tests... so I'm hoping that remains the case... but... it's a bit nerve-wracking... So I'm going to go to bed and read for a while and then get to sleep so I'm well rested.

Maybe I'll find some peppermints before I go in tomorrow. Do they let you have peppermints? They should.  They stimulate brain activity and reduce fatigue. I remember that from my high school ACT days.

Peppermints are very important

...to life. and sundry other things I'm sure.

A bit of irresponsibility

I had a good day.

Good Church service today (though I woke up later than I meant to and thus barely made it to church on time.... well technically it was a little after time.)

Then I made potatoes at the church... and it turns out the church service is exactly the right amount of time to bake them... well, at least today it was.

Then everyone telling me how good they smelled after church. (That wasn't my plan, I just had no other way to get them ready in time for lunch.) But I loved that everyone was raving about the smell.

Then a great lunch with lots of random people from church.

Then I came home and cleaned and straightened the living daylights out of my place, so that for the first time I feel like I can have people over and not apologize for the mess.

Then I registered for the GRE.

Then I had people over to play games, which was fun.

Then Kara hung out with me for a while, and I'm not sure how, but we got on the topic of tattoos... and she tried to convince me that I should get one on Friday.

And I'm actually considering it. - Melissa, I can hear your excited, "ooooh!" from here. -Across time and space!

Not because Kara said so (Though she might try and convince you otherwise.)

But because the timing does seem fortuitous... marking the transition between work and going into a Master's program. It's been well over a year since Nathan died...so we've passed the "no big decisions deadline," and most of the reasons why I'm hesitant to do it are not about me at all, but about other people and how they will react.

And I guess it kinda comes down to this.

I dislike that there is nothing about me on the outside that says I've changed.  It doesn't feel right. When you get married it's a big deal. There is this symbol that you wear and show to the world. You are different and you have proof of it... there is a physical symbol of this inward change. But we don't even do mourning clothes anymore. I took my ring off relatively quickly because I didn't want it to be this big deal hard thing... but I've changed *so* much and I really want to feel like I have proof. Some sort of permanent mark to demonstrate that I'm not the same girl who started this life. I've been marked. I'm different. It's not a scar. It's beautiful, but it's not something that will ever go away. I always told Nathan he could get a tattoo if he wanted one, post cancer. Seems fitting that I allow myself to get one, post cancer.

I haven't changed my mind at all on what or where. (See this post) And I still love all of the symbolism. That it's traditional- that it means a safe return home (after a struggle), Love and loyalty to family, a hardship survived, a victory gained. I even like the idea that the swallow carries your soul to heaven if you die at sea... seems fitting that there is some sort of connection to death... but that it's full of hope- not despair.

I guess the thing is that I know I want to get this tattoo... I even want to explain it to strangers who ask. I just don't want to have to explain it to my loved ones...

But then again, they have to love me tattooed or non-tattooed. Right?

But Friday? I mean who even knows if I could get it done that soon... and do I want to be dealing with a new tattoo when I'm taking the GRE?

But at the same time there is something in me that just wants to let go a little bit, and do something that perhaps isn't the best plan. I guess I'm craving a bit of irresponsibility.

Past in the Future.

So here's something kinda awesome. The other day I got a message from a friend who I went to college with. He is getting married in June and he and his fiancé are going to have a dessert bar of all their favorites things. And he asked me to make chocolate chip cookies for it.

To my uncles who once teased me that "of course all the boys "loved" my cookies, since I was giving them away"- I told you it was more than just the allure of free cookies. :P

Also I saw one of my former students today... I taught him 5 years ago, and it took me a minute to recognize him after he waved at me, but by the time he asked, "Do you remember me?" I had his name pulled from the corners of my memory and his most interesting factoid from the time I was teaching him. (I gave him a fake 5 o'clock shadow using lotion and coffee grounds for a movie in TV Productions.) And I wouldn't have even classified him as one of "mine." Thank you, memory, for being a rockstar.

Plus, it was one of the great times when you think that you actually probably look better now than you did the last time they saw you. What's that? Oh, yes, I do get progressively more attractive as I age. Thanks for noticing.

Someone told me yesterday that they could never read me. I responded that I'd sit my face down and tell it to start being more expressive.

But seriously... is it that bad? I feel like people can normally tell what I'm thinking/ feeling. And it's not like I *want* my every thought broadcasted to the world.... Maybe I only have micro expressions? You know what they say, the more gigantic the head, the tiny-er the expressions!

Maybe this person is just really bad at reading everyone.

 Let's go with that last one.. that's better.

Mildly overwhelmed, but overwhelmingly positive!

The meeting yesterday went really well, I think. The advisor said I wasn't too late to be applying at all. (Though I do need to get the ball rolling.) He said I had a "glowing" GPA.  And then I'm pretty sure he guesstimated my age to be somewhere between 23 and 25, which is just fine by me. He also said that while I need to take the GRE, I don't need to worry overly much about my scores, because it's just part of what they look at and with a great GPA, references, writing sample, and personal statement, a non-impressive GRE score will be overlooked. That's good to hear, though I still plan on studying a bit... just because I can get a not-great score doesn't mean I want to get a not-great score... I've got some pride.... or is that work ethic. Basically, I'd still like to do my best, even if  it doesn't matter.

It is too late to get a GA-ship for the fall in the English dept. But that said, I went to an end-of-small-group barbecue last night and three different people told me about GA-ships that other departments had that I could possibly get. Which makes me pretty hopeful about my prospects... and one of them might even pay better than an English GA-ship.

I also have a friend who thinks I just need to start writing e-books and selling them.... but I think I need some time to get my book written... and I'd like to at least try the more traditional publishing route first.

My life is a complete whirlwind right now- I'm still not unpacked, I have to register for, prep for, and take the GRE. I have to get reference letters, and write a personal statement. I have to choose writing samples I want to turn in. I'm still working at the church, I'm writing my book and going to writer's group, They need me to be working on the video game, blogging, trying to make time for friends and the bajillion showers that are happening, not to mention that there is no art up in my entire apartment and it's bugging the dickens out of me. I needed to go home last weekend, but it sure did mess up my groove. I really need to stay in and just slam things out, but this weekend is already filling up with lots and lots of activities... all of which I really want to do, but land a goshen!

It's so nice to have internet again, though that it kinda makes it all ok.

So I'm only mildly overwhelmed, but overwhelmingly positive!

Short like a Fox!

I have a meeting with the graduate advisor for the MSU English Department on Tuesday evening.

Hopefully that goes well.

Oh something that might be of interest to you. You all know how short I am, right? (If you don't, let me tell, you, I'm short. 5' 3.75" And yes the .75 is that important.)

Well, as short as I am, I tower over all the other women on the Carney side of my family. Grandmother, mother, aunts, sister... I'm taller than them all... it's a *really* strange feeling. When I was trying on some heels in Target I felt like a giantess. I'm also a good head and shoulders taller than Pappy. I always say I overcame great adversity to be as tall as I am.. and it's very true.

Let's just say that I come from a diminutive clan. Short in stature but large in heart.

Oh, come on, don't scoff at me like that. Let's say it.

It makes me sound like I'm related to the Ewoks and that's like the coolest family reference ever... I bet they'd let me be a GA if I told them I was related to the Ewoks.

That should totally be a question on the application.

Check all boxes that apply:

Can claim familial affiliation with:
☐ Native Americans
☐ African Americans
☐ Ewok Americans

If you checked the last box: Welcome on board, you adorable thing, you!

Important Life Update

I recently connected with an old friend on facebook who said that she'd skimmed my blog. I went back and looked at my blog recently and it's a big ole downer. All I can say is that I hope she skimmed more than just the first "page."

Oh, I can also say the lack of internet in my home makes me moody, introspective, and morose... perhaps it's a really good thing I wasn't born in the 50's as I've always said I should be.

That said, I need to fill you in on something that isn't actually much of an upbeat topic. But hang in there with me cause we're gonna try and end on a note that's more uplifting than downtrodden, and by "we" I mean "me, with you along for the ride."

On Tuesday, Tim sat down with me and let me know that the church can no longer afford to keep me on staff. My last day will be April 12th. I suppose that might be a shock to some people, but I'd been seeing the numbers and I suspected this might have to happen. Tim was upset about it, and he emphasized that this has nothing whatsoever to do with performance. He said that there were many times when I kept him sane, and he wasn't really sure how he was going to be able to manage without me. He also said he'd write me awesome reference letters and do whatever he could to help with the transition.

The very hardest thing about this all actually hasn't been getting laid off. It's been that Nathan isn't here. This is the type of thing you are supposed to be able to turn to your partner and be scared about. This is the stuff that I'm supposed to be able to hear him say, "It's all going to be ok" about... or, "I'll take care of you." This is the time when I'm supposed to be able to bounce all sorts of ideas off of him and he's supposed to tell me if they are crazy or not. If you check back to my Monday night/Tues morning blog you can see a bit of my "in the moment" response. (I pretty much knew Monday night, but there wasn't official confirmation.) And it might sound strange, but the fact that Nathan can't help me deal with this... well it just proves in a whole new way that he's gone. And that hurts, because no one but a husband can be a husband.

But I'm working my way through that... and yes this feeling of adrift-ness, it very much does suck.

Oh boy, yep, it sucks. And I've definitely thought... "Really? You are gonna throw something else awful at me? How many blows am I expected to take??" I'd say I identified with Job, but honestly... he had it worse than me, and I don't really want it to get any worse, thanks.

BUT (here's where we start the uplifting hopeful portion of tonight's offering.)

I think that if nothing else I've proven that I'm good at adapting to change.

That said, I hate it, so I try not to initiate change if I can help it.

I can't help this, but this change might be good for me.

I've always said that being the church administrator was a job, not my career. It was exactly what I needed for the past 4 years of my life. If I'd still been teaching when Nathan got cancer our insurance wouldn't have been nearly as good, and a school could never have given me the flexibility that the church was able to with Nathan's ever-present doctor appointments. They couldn't have given me 4 day weekends, and I wouldn't have been able to spend near as much precious time with him. In short, I would have been working so much harder and been getting far far less.

But it's not a career.... and I think it's time for change. The year has passed and I can start to make big life decisions again. But I probably wouldn't have, because I like to remain in the status quo. But now I don't really have a choice...

So I looked on job sites and looked at various job postings... and they all sounded terrible, and I thought, "Maybe I've just been spoiled by the church"... and maybe that's true a bit... but for the things I'm qualified for (teaching high school again is not an option I want to pursue... ever.) It just all felt really wrong. It felt like I was just staying at the same level. I wasn't challenging myself, I wasn't bettering myself, I was just looking for another job and which is not good enough to support me long term and it's not good enough to keep me engaged in my life. Plus, it just felt terrible.... Maybe you don't often make decisions on your feelings, but... honestly my "gut" is pretty smart. So then I started thinking about what else I could do...

Move back to my parents house and become a hermit...

Move to the airport and re-enact "The Terminal" which I've actually never seen, but at least there would be people...

Go work in an old lady's quilt shop and take it over from her when she retires....

Start a psychic detective agency with my best friend....

and then I thought about getting a Masters.

Here's the thing, me getting a Masters was always part of the plan. It was supposed to go,"Get married, Nathan gets Masters and then a decent job, Renée gets her Masters very slowly while also having children." It was a good plan. But a wrench sorta got thrown into it... but now... there is no reason for me not to... and I can get a graduate assistantship or some sort of on-campus employment, and be pretty much at exactly the same pay level as I was, but by the end of it I will have a degree where I might be able to teach college, or I will have a book written or something.

And I was looking at the requirements online and, I kid you not, it felt like coming home. It felt so right. As wrong as looking at job postings felt? This felt that right.

It even gives me the summer to focus on writing my book. It's like everything just clicked for me... Pure genius.

One small hiccup in the genius plan, though. The "priority" deadline for admission has already past. I've not taken the GRE, I don't have letters of recommendation, and I don't even know if there are graduate assistantships available for the fall semester, which I would kinda need. I've got an e-mail out to the English Department Graduate Advisor, right now. I'm hoping that he will e-mail me back soon and I can go in to talk to him and find out if my genius idea is even feasible.

So pray for me... pray that these things really do click rather than just clicking in my head.

But please, don't pity me. I hate feeling pitied. Hate hate hate.. with the fiery passion of a thousand burning suns. I'm still me. I want approval and affirmation (always!) but I want it because I deserve it, not because you feel bad for me. It's hard... but gosh darnit, I've gotten through so much worse, and I can get through this, too!

... though if I don't get the internet at my new place fixed soon, then I might not be able to make it.☺

*weak cough* I got the black lung, Pop.

Craving human interaction

With the exception of game night, the most human interaction I have had all week was in my writing class.  That's right. All hour and 15 minutes of class is the greatest amount of time I've spent with anyone  all week, besides game night which it sounds like might be ending with the holidays...

So that's nearly over, another set of friends is moving away at the end of the month, and several other friends/people have moved away in the past few months. So much change, so much loss, so much different... and here I am desperately flailing to figure out how to have a single person's social life.

 I kinda feel like I'm going crazy, but... people are busy. My friends have lives and significant others and other friends and babies and families and Octoberfest... and all of this would be fine and normal if Nathan was still here.

I would have what I needed and while I'd miss everyone... people have busy seasons and I know schedules will lighten up eventually... but now... now everyone else's life has returned to what it was before, basically... or has moved on at least. And that means that I'm not a priority. I hate being needy. It's not something that makes people want to hang out with you... but what am I supposed to do??

Someone get me back in the dorms. At least in the dorms if I wanted company all I had to do was start baking and let the 2nd floor know. That was a good system. It worked out well back when I had like 60 guys who enjoyed freshly baked goods at my disposal.

Ninja Warrior

I turned on the television and fell into an alternate universe. One entitled American Ninja Warrior. Oh my goodness. So addicting/amazing. I can't believe that they can do that. It's like a lumberjack competition only waaaaaaaay more awesome and far less plaid.

I want to be related to the Gilmore Girls who create parties with insane country themes. Rory created a London going away party for Logan and then Lorelai created an Asian vacation for Rory since Logan was away in London and not going to Asia with her.  Want destination themed party.

or maybe an American Ninja Warrior party... as long as I don't have to be an American Ninja Warrior.

Tomorrow I have class... weird. What will I write of? I don't know. I have no ideas. But that will come to me, right? Eventually it will come to me. I can be inspired.

Lonely. Want someone to talk to. Am without talking buddy. So I think I'm going to go to sleep early and be well rested for tomorrow... Just like an adult. I'm an adult? Sheesh, a girl signs up for one post-bachelors class and suddenly she's all grown up and saving China.

Well, I'm not saving China, but I bet a Ninja warrior is... Mulan- Disney's first Ninja Warrior.

Sometimes I wonder if Nathan's death has made me numb. I seem to feel sympathy so much more distantly than I once did. Once when something bad happened to someone else I would feel it... Now, I recognize it and try to respond sensitively, but... my emotions aren't invested in it. I'm a step removed in a lot of ways. I want to be sad/ troubled/ upset for someone... but all I can manage is detachedly sympathetic. It's like my empathy skills are broken. It's like I don't have any emotions to give but positive ones. I can rejoice with you in your triumphs but I can't go with you to your depths. Maybe that's because my depths are so very low... maybe it's because it would turn bitter inside me... Maybe it's because everything that I've gone through has drastically impacted my personality in some profound way and made me into a thinker, rather than a feeler.

I don't really know, but here is something I suspect. Jesus would have been a kick-a Jewish Ninja Warrior. Cause God has to have a pretty easy time navigating human-made obstacle courses... He has eons of experience.

Thoughts of school...

My left arm is crazy sore today. I have a theory that I used my arms equally at the City Museum, but since I'm right handed my left arm is the sore one, because it's not used to lifting and toting and the like.

Course that could all be malarky, I dunno.

I finally ate at Ihop... and those pancakes were yummy.

I was just looking at the English professors so I could know who my teacher was going to be and realized I'm a bit of an ageist when it comes to professors. I want my professors to be over age 40... That's a bit weird, eh? Doesn't seem to matter to me if they are male or female... but I want them to be old. I wonder why that is? I had an English teacher in high school that was only 4 years older than me and it was fine. I actually really liked her... And don't even get me started on Mr. Citron, who, as I recall, was to-die-for-cute and couldn't have been more than 10 years or so older than us Jr. High girls. I was a young teacher and I have friends who are young professors at both MSU and OTC... My favorite preacher from home was only 8 years older than me, and Tim isn't that much older than me either, so I don't seem to have a problem with someone close to my age having a bit of authority over me... and yet I was relieved/happy when I saw that my English prof has a good 20-30 years on me. What's up with that?

I'm about to change my name with MSU... they still have me on their books under my maiden name.... seems very odd to be changing my name because of marriage after my husband has died, but since I don't plan on changing my name back, just to change it again if I re-marry, that's what needs to be done. S'weird though.

Just realized that will be a rather strange role call on Tuesday... since I'll be turning things in as Dunn... I just hope the prof notes the name change without comment... because I'm not going to be able to let something like a marriage congratulations pass without making some sort of comment that could get awkward very easily. Yes, I should have changed my name a while ago to avoid this possible kerfuffle. Oy vey. A lot can happen in 5 years... a whole life can blink in and then out of existence. 

Anywho, the bed, she calls to me.

Cha-Cha-Cha-Changes

Short post... I have to get up rather early which means I purposely didn't nap this afternoon... which means I'm more tired than normal... and, as per my usual I have miles to go before I sleep.

But I wanted to tell you that I'm officially registered in the "Writing for Children and Young Adults" class.

My work schedule has been changed around so that I work until 5 and have 2 hour lunches... at least on the days I don't have class I have 2 hour lunches. I'm a little nervous... a little excited... a little nervous.

It all happened very quickly... which is not really me. I'm more a take-a-long-time-to-ponder kind of girl... but I don't really see the downside. I don't really see what the problem could be in this very low risk situation. And it could turn out really great. Risk versus reward and all that.

P.S. I love how many Mighty Duck references they make with the Pacey character on Dawson's Creek. They just don't want us to forget that this kid (Not Emilio Estevez)

turned into this kid

Who turned into this kid.

...


I think I might need to start watching Fringe.

... wait did I just turn into a Pacey girl? What has happened to me?

Hold the butter

I just dropped my phone... and it fell off the headboard, bounced off the side of the mattress, and shot straight into the trashcan, nothing but net. What are the odds? I told it that it had a lot to live for and that I loved it and I'll be keeping a close surveillance on it for a few days.

Nothing from e-harmony. I "smile" at them but they don't seem to respond at all... Trying to have patience, but I'm not sure what's up. I get 7 (or so) new matches everyday. You'd think that one of the 77 that I haven't archived would say something... but nothing. Heck, I think even the archived ones could still contact me... but not even they are. I altered my profile to seem not quite so intimidating... we'll see if that works. And perhaps I just need to keep up that whole idea of patience. I can't help but laugh, though, as my suspicions about the cosmic "back-off" sign hanging around my proverbial neck seem to be ringing true. Oh dear Lord, what are the plans you have for me, eh? I'd like to get a glimpse

In the meantime, I've been admitted to MO State as a non-degree seeking post bacc. That was speedy! I guess when you really just wanna take a class to find out if you want to take more it's easy.... I do feel strange about being as we so lovingly used to say, a crazy non-trad. Mayhaps I can be the non-trad without the crazy... I don't write fan fiction so that's a step in the right direction, I think. English non-trads can be a very special version of non-trads. Have not totally confirmed that I will be picking up the mantle of student again... but I'm walking in that direction at least.

I've been eating like winter is coming and I'm going into hibernation. Even as I type I'm trying to refrain myself from going to get a bowl of cereal. Kara has recently informed me that cereal (at least the kind I'm currently craving) is pretty much junk food... I don't know why but it's hard for me to see that... it's for breakfast! Breakfast isn't junk food!

Sure, pour some more straight fat and liquid sugar on that fluffy carb fest. This isn't junk food it's breakfast!

and now I want some pancakes. Fluffy carb fest that they are. Hold the butter. But not in your hand.. it will melt and you will get greasy... to say nothing of your hand full of melted butter. Body heat. Gets ya every time.

btw M&M's can sooooo melt in your hand. It just requires patience... and perhaps something to protect you from the colored sweat of their candy coating.

Thoughts of the future...

So I went to my bed thinking that I would blog... but I couldn't do it... No inspiration. So instead I find myself back at the couch, watching Dawson's Creek.

By the way if I'm horrendously sick tomorrow I blame it on the sweetened condensed milk currently sugaring up my coffee... You know the one that was in my cabinet with the "best used by" date of April 2010. Oh yeah, I'm a rebel. It says "best."

Fun fact about sweetened condensed milk in coffee. It floats. Like the squiggles.  Like chocolate syrup in milk. Like snow candy.

So much in life can be related to the Little House books. The scene where Manzo gets the sheep upstairs in the barn so he can win the bet with the shearers. The scene where the Wilder Children eat all the sugar when their parents leave. How Laura hates that Mary gets to wear blue because she is blonde and blue eyed and Laura has to wear red because she is brunette and brown eyed. Ginger water and straw logs twisted for the long winter and how big of a deal it was for Laura to "cut a fringe" (even though she's sportin' one in the above picture.)

I'd say I was born in the wrong time period, except for how much I love the internet... and indoor plumbing.

Here is a thought to ponder. Interior design or creative writing? I've been leaning towards creative writing... and I just went and looked at the MO State course schedule and the only class I could find that I have the necessary pre-reqs for and that also has seats open is "Writing for Children and Young Adults." Which actually sounds like a really fun class and thus far it only has 12 students in it, so it would be good for getting more focused instruction. It also happens to be right in the middle of my work week and one of the 1:15 ones.  On the other side there is a fundamentals of interior design class that starts at 8:00AM, has a class size of 50 (5 seats left), and would mean that I couldn't get to work until 10 two days of the week. But darn it if I'm not far and away more interested in the writing for children and young adults class now.

Maybe I should defer this idea rather than suddenly focusing on it the week before classes start? Wish more classes started at 3:30...

Living in anticipation

Tonight, I'm missing being held. I miss touch. I know I'm not a touchy person, but that rule didn't apply with my husband... I loved it when he would come up behind me and hug me... I loved it when he could lay next to me and put his arm around my waist... I loved the simple act of holding his hand. I want nothing more than to be able to go cry into his shoulder, right now. He never cared if I got mascara on his shirt... Except that if I could do that, I would have no reason to cry....

Oh blogging world, please don't think I'm a horrible person, or that I didn't love Nathan with all that I have, but I can't live my life alone... I need someone to share my life with... I need to share someone else's life. And if that's not in the cards then God's gonna be having to do a mighty work in me, because right now I long for that connection. I long for the person who can make me laugh and finish my sentences. I long for the person who can explain my quirks to others... quirks I didn't even notice I had. I long for the special smiles that say, "You are totally adorable."  I long for inside jokes and conversations that happen as you fall asleep and being able to hug someone for as long as I want without it being weird. I don't just long for the past, though... I long for the future... I want new discoveries and new inside jokes and things that I can't even imagine right now because they are so specific to my relationship with some other person... I want children and a family. I don't know where my road is leading, but I know that I can't imagine it (right now) without someone to share it with me. None of this is to say that I'm gonna start dating the next available man just because he shows interest- while I know that what Nathan and I had was special  and wholly unique, I'm not willing to date someone else without at least the potential  to have something equally special and unique. I, perhaps more than most, know not to settle for just, "good enough." But I'm not going to settle for my love story to be over at 27, either.

Ach! Blogging is such a conundrum. I try to be totally honest, and yet I fear the judgment that I know is possible. I've thought of all the different responses to this... but basically it come down to this for me: I feel how I feel, as I feel it, and I trust God to lead the right person into my life at the right time. He's done it before, on numerous occasions... So I sit here and try and plan out my life with the limited knowledge/resources I have at my disposal... and God chortles up there in the sky and then rearranges everything.

I think I have to live my life in anticipation of the good, and just accept the bad as it comes. I think that's how I stay sane.

In other news, tonight I was reminded of walking to class in Strong Hall, one fall semester. I seemed to end up walking behind a professor most days that I had this particular class, and he always smoked a pipe. For a long time I couldn't figure out why Strong Hall always smelled so good at that particular time... then finally I figured out one day that it was this professor's pipe tobacco, because I was walking relatively close behind him and the scent was strong... so I breathed in too deeply and started coughing... sometimes I'm oblivious. It reminds me of the Hayley Mills version of "The Parent Trap" where she says she is "Making a memory" so that "Years from now, when I'm all grown up, I'll always remember my grandfather and how he always smelled of...  peppermint and pipe tobacco."

All the Songs About September Are So Melancholy!

So between getting nostalgic for the Scholars days earlier this week,  move-in weekend, and baking about 16.5 dozen cookies (some of which I will keep for us but most of them going to the New Student Festival on Sunday) I've been thinking about college a lot. I really loved college. It's where I met my best friends/ husband, where I learned to trust people outside of my family with the "real" me, and got a better idea of who the "real" me actually is... oh yeah and I got a degree I don't use. But that's ok... it was worth it anyway. There were some rough times, but I don't really remember them that well...mainly I just remember staying up late and a lot of laughter and cookie baking.  Oh and flirting... we were young and mainly single after all.

How did you guys "crush" on people? I think I was weird in this respect. Basically what I did throughout high school is that I would pine away for one guy for a whole year. Then over the summer I would get over him and then when I went back to school I would like someone else and moon over him for a year. I never wanted the guy to know (how embarrassing!) and I always tried to seem as though I wasn't affected by any of that silly stuff. This led to three things: 1) not having a boyfriend in HS, 2) being the good friend (aka the one people went to to talk about their relationship woes... ironic considering I had never been in a relationship), and 3) not having a CLUE how to flirt or recognize flirting when it was directed at me. This "pretending-to-be-above-it-while-secretly-crushing-on-someone" thing continued into college, until I discovered a couple of things. 1) The whole unattainable love thing is *miserable.* 2) If I actually knew that the guy wasn't interested then I was no longer interested. The thing is I had to be sure that he wasn't interested, and just telling myself, "he isn't interested" didn't work cause I've always been a hopeless romantic and heroines in many a Jane Austen book tell themselves a man is not interested when the reader knows he actually is. So since life is so very similar to Jane Austen books, normally, I came up with a really weird system. I would develop a crush on a guy. I would get to be better friends and pay attention when he was around for several months and see if I was still interested. I would do all the fun squealing and over-analyzing every sentence with my girlfriends. And then when it started to get to the part where it's not fun anymore- you know, when it's just angsty and melancholy -here's the crazy part- I'd tell him. It sounds crazy but if you will note the 3rd result from high school you will see that I didn't have a clue how to flirt or to tell if someone is flirting back or just being a genuinely nice guy. (And *goodness*  knows I only ever fell for the really nice ones!) So what was a girl to do? The thing is I'm totally shy so I'd never have the guts to tell him to his face, so normally this came in the form of an e-mail or letter. Not IM because that's kinda a big thing to broadside someone with and then expect them to have some sort of immediate response (I reasoned to myself.) Plus, I think the suspense might have been something I enjoyed... the last few hours/days of hope while waiting for a response... who knows.  Kara was always very much against me telling the guy each time I would discuss it with her... she felt I was not guarding my heart by telling the guy.. that I wasn't making him fight for me. And that's true and good advice that followed the words of the Christian relationship counselors of the day- I read Elisabeth Elliot, too! But I did not take this advice. I'm kinda a one guy girl, so when I would find out for sure that the guy wasn't interested in me... well I'd mope about for about a week and then I'd be ok and start noticing other guys. It honestly got to a point where I would say something to the effect of "I'm pretty sure you aren't interested, but I have to tell you that I like you so I can get over you."  I probably sounded a little desperate and like a big whopper, but it really was the truth! Ok, granted, I only did this with 3 or 4 guys that I can recall, and my real relationship did not start because I told Nathan I had a crush on him... but honestly it was really effective for me and I wasn't wasting my time being all star eyed over someone who had no interest in me... plus I never have to worry about might have beens.  I do feel a bit sorry for the guys, cause most of them were totally scared off by this approach. If they could handle it, though, I was fine being around them and didn't "relapse" (though the poor things were probably terrified and over-analyzing their own every move this time around.) What can I say? When it comes to relationships, I've always been a bit intense.

You know... you think you know where a blog post is gonna go and then it just takes a left turn at Albuquerque and suddenly you find yourself rambling on about how you handled crushes in the far distant past.... You know, like 5 years ago. I think this is the problem with titling blogs before you write them. Perhaps something to try to remember for the future....