Babies!

2 things of baby related good news.

1) Is that Nathan's cousin in Springfield had his 2nd son on Saturday. His name is Atherton, but from what I understand he will go by Will (one of his middle names.) How great is the name Atherton!?! I love it.

2) is that I can officially announce that Kara is pregnant! Hooray! I've been wanting to tell the blog-o-sphere for a long time now, but I had to wait until they heard a heartbeat and Josh's mom was back in the country. Cause it really is all about *me* waiting to tell you all, right? Nathan knew and he was so excited for them. I'm really glad that he knew... Nathan loved babies, while still being completely terrified of them (mainly terrified that he would "break" them.) In the journal I found he mentions the birth of Kadin... talks about how adorable she was/is and says that it feels as though she is his niece... and 2 years later she was! I wish so much that Nathan could have been a daddy... He would have been so good at it... even if I might have asked him to not play video games in front of the kids, lest he accidentally let some curse words fly, and even though we totally disagreed about how early is too early to introduce video games to children. I don't worry about Nathan. I know he is happy and well... but there are so many experiences I think wish he could have had here on Earth. He never read any more of the Ender's Game series besides the first one. He never got to see all the Harry Potter movies or all of Battlestar Galactica or anything past the Christmas episode of Glee...I have to keep telling myself that he is either experiencing it all in heaven or he's too busy and happy to even care about that kind of stuff... Doesn't mean that I don't wish I could have seen his face as he held his baby.

Sorry Kara, didn't mean to make this post into a depressing one.... Anyway I just wanted to announce that she was pregnant so that everyone could understand just *how* awesome Kara has been through everything... She found out in the very beginning of January and her life has been a roller coaster ever since, and much more stressful than I would wish for her to have to deal with... She was sick the day of the memorial service here in Springfield... running a temp over 100 off and on and unable to take anything to make her feel better and she didn't make a big deal about it... she didn't ask for one iota of pity... she was just a continual rockstar- both her and baby, and I couldn't have made it this far without them. That's a pretty darn special baby to me... It may not be by blood but that's Nathan and my newest niece or nephew coming along. So everyone be happy for her, because she didn't get enough of the "good news" euphoria that she should have gotten because she was taking care of me. They are going to be wonderful parents, and I'm so happy for them. Please be praying for Kara and baby (and Josh) as this will be such a joyous thing in September and one of the reasons I have faith that 2011 can start turning itself around.

I didn't fall asleep last night until 5 AM, so this will probably have to end my blog post so I can get some sleep, but yesterday was also the first Sat that I didn't suddenly wake up at 7:30 or 8:30 in the morning since that day. Ya win some ya lose some.

Being Needy

Today I was a grown-up and ran errands all by myself... Nathan's phone will be turned off tomorrow, and I have a TV antenna that I installed myself (it wasn't at all hard) that actually lets me get the local channels clearly... at least right now... and I returned library books, and delivered papers and just generally proved that I can be a competent, reasonable, functional adult... not that I particularly *want* to be competent or reasonable or even an adult, but I can be.

I'm not sure I know who I am anymore... I've never lived on my own... I mean, yes, when I graduated college I had an apartment of my own and I lived there for the year before Nathan and I got married... but I wasn't really "living" alone... I was sleeping alone and once in a blue moon, cooking alone. Because I was engaged to a man who lived in the same apartment complex as I did and I would see him everyday and  if something happened or I was lonely I would just call him, and he'd dash over to my place, or I would go over there... I always had a back-up... and I'm suddenly finding out how very needy I am... I mean, yes I assume that part of this needy-ness is the extra that emotional trauma kinda throws on you... but I wonder how much of this is just who I am... I feel like I need to make about 4 "new" really good friends, because I can't expect the ones I have to bear all the burden of just how needy I am, and I'm only comfortable being needy with my really good friends. I think, too, that knowing I had someone who would respond even at 2 in the morning.. and who I could trust to not be thinking that I was a huge pain, or that he wished I wouldn't call him probably helped to ease some of this frantic-ness I'm feeling now. It's not that I don't have friends who would do anything for me... but they have lives... they have priorites, and I'm not anyone's "life" anymore... I'm not anyone's main priority. And I don't want to take that place if it isn't rightfully mine... But it makes me think I need to make more close friends and fast!

Also I need to find more single friends. Not that I don't love my marrieds... but... sometimes it's just easier to not be confronted with what I had. But people don't identify/ remember me as a single, now.. which is in part good... but in part makes me feel like there is no place for me... Odd man out or part of a remembered duo... Just call me the ugly duckling.

I really do need to come up with more things to do... I need to be more social, but I always feel like I need to be personally invited... (this is where my really weird mix of introvert and extroverted meet.) I *want* to be out and around more people more often, but I can't just invite myself or show up like I think a lot of extroverts can. It feels rude, and I can usually tell when I'm not really wanted, and it hurts my feelings. So if you were one of the many people in Springfield who said, "just let me know how I can help" Here's how... (and honestly I'm uncomfortable even saying this, but I'm also perhaps a little desperate.) but here's how you can help. Think of me. Invite me, personally. I can give you my cell phone number if you don't have it, and text me or call me if something is going on that I could come to...even if it's totally spontaneous. The worst thing that will happen is that I will already be doing something, which is actually a wonderful problem to have and the best thing is that you might pull me out of a funk. I want to be a social butterfly... I want a full dance card, so I don't have to dwell on how my dance card used to be filled. I don't like being alone... it reminds me that I'm alone.

To paraphrase Notting Hill: "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a world, asking them to love me."


P.S. I still think you should go be a backer for this band. There are only 7 days left!

P.P.S. Also here is a link to Nathan's childhood best friend's website. (Convoluted enough for you?) Anyway, even if you didn't get the relationship you should check it out, because some of the stuff on there is hilarious. (They add/change things on coloring book pages.) Just trust me.

A random collection of thoughts: widow-style.

Wonderfully fun night with wonderfully fun friends. Kara made an accidental bald joke in the presence of Josh (her husband, who in case you don't know, is bald) and while it was a definitely a "you had to be there" moment... and maybe even a "you had to be one of us two" moment, I haven't laughed that hard in a long long time. It's good to laugh that hard... Of course then everyone goes away and I don't have anyone to come down off the people/laughter high with... Oh the roller coaster of ups and downs... So lonely, so often- in part just because I'm not used to being alone... and I *like* people... I really really do... with every fiber of my being I like people...I mean, sure, sometimes individuals will get on my nerves, but as a whole, if you want to hang out with me, then I want to hang out with you... but I'm so awkward... and I'm usually afraid to show it very much... cause it's not cool to be enthusiastic... It's cool to be your own person and do your own thing and hold yourself apart... not cool to be a pest.

Have I mentioned that I'm trying to compliment people more? I am. It's in tribute to Nathan, because I always loved that about him... he was very generous with compliments. I'm not so generous... not because I don't think complimentary things... I just don't actually say them out loud. I've discovered that it's harder than I thought... Apparently it takes a good bit of self confidence to compliment people... 1) You have to have the self confidence to actually say it without  freaking out because you think you sound like a spazz or a stalker. 2) You have to have the self-confidence to assume that the other person cares. 3) There is a fine line between complimenting and flirting and I'm never confident that I'm on the right side of that line...  *Notedly Nathan was also a flirt ( I can say that! He knew it!), so I might not be following the best example in the world on this one...

Please note that self-confidence and self esteem are different things. Self esteem is related to one's opinion of one's self... and I think that I'm a pretty cool chick... Self confidence is what I lack and that is more about being sure your chosen course of action is the right choice.... and I'm pretty much never sure of that. I don't know what I'm doing half of the time. I'm a bumbler... I bumble.

It looks like this blog is to be a random collection of thoughts... so be it. I finished the Christy series that I'd been watching  off and on for months... Silly cliffhanger endings! Good thing I own the book! Nathan would watch them too, and always got sucked in, even though he would claim he didn't want to watch them... He always got sucked into the things I liked... I even got him to admit that not all country music is awful... and let me tell you that was a hard fought battle!

I bought new eyeshadow yesterday.. Thanks, Sadie, for a good idea! It's 4 different colors and has gold shimmer in it, so if you see gold flecks on my cheeks... well it's cause I forgot I had eye shadow on and rubbed my eyes... Or because I'm secretly a Grecian Goddess come to check in on you mortals... one of the two.

I've decided to stay in this apartment another year... If it had been Nathan and I, we would have most likely tried to look for a different place... but with everything that's going on I think this is the best fit for me right now.... But I will probably redecorate a bit... The memories are pretty strong, and I think moving things around might help. Plus it will help me sort through a lot of this stuff that I need to get through...

I found this quote from the Qur'an (2:234) on the Wikipedia article about mourning (most depressing search history ever, I told you!)

"And those of you who die and leave widows behind, they should keep themselves in waiting for four months and ten days. Then when they have fulfilled their term, there is no blame on you about what they do with themselves in accordance with the norms [of society]. And Allah is well acquainted with what you do. And there is also no blame on you if you tacitly send a marriage proposal to these women or hold it in your hearts. Allah knows that you would definitely talk to them. [Do so] but do not make a secret contract. Of course you can say something in accordance with the norms [of the society]. And do not decide to marry until the law reaches its term. And know that Allah has knowledge of what is in your hearts; so be fearful of Him and know that Allah is Most forgiving and Most Forbearing."

4 months and 10 days? Am I the only one who thinks that is a random and arbitrary time frame?  I mean why not just the 4 months... or why not 5 months if 4 months isn't enough?? I just think it's funny that the time frame is so specific. We are coming up on a month, pretty soon....even though there isn't a 29th this February. The calendar is just this huge landmine of dark days...  How has it only been a month? How has it already been a month? I hope I don't tick the months off like this all year...

One of the nicest things about tonight was that I felt like I could talk about Nathan... we could mention him and it wasn't a sad thing and it wasn't solely focused on him, but we could talk about him without killing the mood.... Nathan is a part of me... he's a part of who I am and that isn't going to change... so being able to acknowledge that and not feel like I had to keep it inside or secret was nice. It helps assure me that I'm gonna be ok...

Relationship Points

Once upon a time there lived a girl named Kara... and at some point in her life Kara developed an idea that I think is perfectly true and also genius. I'm not sure when exactly it all came together, but I'm going to try and explain Kara's theory to you, and you can weigh it measure it and see if you agree because it stacks up to your experiences... I'm so post modern, eh?

Kara says that people's relationships are like video game characters... Each relationship has two people, and each person has a little experience bar above their head that says where the relationship is at. When it's full the relationship is very strong and when it's empty the relationship is... well non-existent... and when it's in the middle you are acquaintances or friends or maybe you just recognize each other from class, depending on how full it is, exactly.

People's relationship meter dictates several things... How comfortable they are talking about emotions, how much of their personal story they share,  how much attention they pay to the other person. And like video game characters, not everyone starts out the same. Some people (the world calls them extroverts) start out with their bar already partially filled with everyone they meet... some people even have it filled most of the way.  There are others who start out with nothing in the bar... but even these people have different reactions... There might be someone with whom you just click, and your meter will be filled at 3 times the normal rate... there might also be someone with whom you automatically clash and your meter will subsequently be filled at 1/3 the normal rate.  Family automatically starts with higher base stats than most people do... and people who are socially awkward really are just bad at reading where the other person's meter is in regards to them.

"So," you ask, "how does one fill these relationship meters?" Well, the same way they do in video games... Quests! Ok, so here in the real world they call them "shared experiences" but you get the point. You need to be in the other person's presence... even if that presence isn't physical. (Thank you internet and phones!) Say you are in highschool with someone. Automatic shared experiences... You grow up in the same place, probably with the same values. You cheer for the same team, you have the same teachers, you are the same age, and so go through the same changes at the same time.... Pretty much all it takes to make you friends with someone is to be on the same team, or club, or organization, or spend any amount of time with the person.  College is a little different... you don't have the same base relationship stats, so you have to search out people who are like you... but these are the people who with whom you are more likely to click with and so your relationship meter fills up faster than it did in HS. But despite all that if you land in the same dorm with someone and happen to steal a rhino head from a boys' room and take it all over campus, taking pictures and posing it with random people you meet, you'd be surprised how quickly your relationship meter will fill up.... not that I'm speaking from experience or anything....

But the problem with relationship meters is that they don't just stay filled. Given time or distance they will slowly drop. So your freshman roommate won't stay your good friend if you never speak to them after that year. Your best friend from college will start to drift away if he moves across the country. Unless, that is, you work to keep your relationship points high. You call them/e-mail them/facebook them with news. You listen to things happening in their life and share your own life experiences... Friendships are work, and keeping those relationship meters full requires maintenance. And the shorter the amount of time that was taken in building up the relationship the faster it comes back down again. Every day is an investment in your relationship...

Unfortunately time and distance are not the only things that decrease relationship points...  broaching subjects that the opposite party isn't ready to discuss, doing something offensive or thoughtless, or even misunderstandings can decrease the relationship bar... and sometimes this becomes a slippery slope.  You say something which lowers your relationship points and then say something else that would have been acceptable, before, but no longer is, and soon you find yourself staring at an empty relationship bar asking yourself what just happened.

But there is a positive side to this as well. With the people you have the highest relationship points, you have the most relationship points to spend, and usually your actions cost less, too. So say for example you've just been widowed and you are spending relationship points right and left. The points that it would normally cost your best friend to stay 3 nights away from her husband are almost negligent. Or you snap at your wife. Even if she doesn't credit you with the "he's in pain" discount, 10 points out of 1,000 are a lot easier to deal with than 10 out of 20. The points are insurance in the friendship. I bring up something that you aren't comfortable discussing... with someone with lower relationship points you might brush it off, chalk it up to a morbid curiosity, or even get angry... with high relationship points you still might not want to discuss it, but you will also assume the best about me and my motives.

Post college it's a lot harder to get shared experiences... you can't just go over to eat at the same time as someone else over and over until you are friends. That's why the workplace or church (or other place you spend a lot of time at) is where you start making friends ... there are fewer "I think you are nice, but I know nothing about you" awkward conversations/situations.. which are necessary but don't feel very good.

So that's the basic gist of it... and I'm sure Kara will read this and tell me where I have morphed her theory... but she will forgive me cause we have lots of relationship points we can spend.

so yeah... there is a glimpse into how I see the world. Thoughts? Aren't you glad you know that, now?

Responding to the internet

Well I slept for nearly 12 hours... so apparently it's good that I went to bed when I did... and I'm feeling decidedly less mopey now, too. So that's good as well.

What's not good is some health issues that some of my friends are having. I don't want to really get into everything, because it's not my story to tell, but if you could pray for them I'd surely appreciate it. We've all been through more than enough stress and hard stuff this year... and it's only heading into the end of February. I really want to remember 2011 as a very very bad January and then a year of healing. I want to hear the Rocky training montage song in my head when I think of 2011... I want it to look like a sunrise.

I need to come up with plans for things to do every night of the week that I can completely bail on if I'm not feeling up to it. Cause that's not a tall order, eh?

I found this on a cancer website while looking for instructions on what things I need to make sure are being taken care of..

Responsibilities: In most families, each person is responsible for certain tasks. One person may do yard work and cooking, while another pays bills or does the laundry. When a spouse or family member dies, these jobs become the responsibility of surviving family members. Some tasks, such as doing the taxes, may be completely new, and having to learn a new skill can be stressful. If the deceased person was ill for a long time, family members who acted as caregivers may experience a feeling of emptiness now that their responsibility of caring for that person has ended. In fact, they may be flooded by emotions that they kept hidden during those final busy months of active caregiving.

I so understand that... My life does feel empty... I'm not driving Nathan to any appointments. When I want to go to sleep I just walk to my bed and lay down, without checking on anyone or doing last minute things that end up taking hours. I can get up and out of the house in 10 minutes or less, and am not neglecting anyone in the process... In a way there is a good deal of relief... and in a way there is so much more time than I have the ability to fill... There are a lot of things I *should* do with this time... but I just want to sit around reading or playing a game or talking to friends rather than thinking about what's going to happen next or what I need to be doing. I'm letting life happen around me... mainly cause I can't figure out where my place in the dance is now.

Something else I found while roaming the internets (I swear I have the most depressing search history ever!) is this website. There are a lot of things she says that I appreciate, identify with, or need to hear but here are some of my favorites... and my responses to them:

Why People Used to Wear Black Armbands
alternately titled, "Don't Mess with the Crazy Person"

After living through the loss of a husband, I now know why people used to wear black clothes or armbands during a formal mourning period. I used to think that it was kind of quaint, and was a way to honor those who have died. Maybe that is true, but I think it is more than that: it is a warning.

It shows others that we're not ourselves.

It warns others that if they do something wrong, we have the right to be irrational and holler at them. We may even thank them for being the target of our pent up feelings.

It announces that we may cry at the drop of a hat, and forget things, and may be wearing two different colored shoes.

It lets them know that we need love just the way we are, as crazy as we are, as we try to heal.

I vote we bring this practical custom back.

Don't mess with the crazy person, indeed...This is exactly how I feel... I don't want to only wear black... but I wish I could slap on a black armband and people would know what it meant... but to be honest if I saw someone with a black armband I'd probably think it was some reference to Nazis, neo-nazis or gangs... unless it was like a whole soccer team or something. Mourning wouldn't even cross my mind... or at least it wouldn't have in the past.

Stick or Run?
You'll start finding out who your friends really are.....

Being widowed is a crucible, and you'll find out pretty quickly who can stand the heat. I found that people almost universally broke into four different groups:

-- RUNNERS--it was almost like they thought cancer was contagious, and once my husband had passed away, the rest of them ran so they wouldn't have to deal with me, or their own uncomfortable feelings, or whatever. I say, good riddance.

-- MEAN WELL-ers--say they want to help, and genuinely feel bad about things--for awhile. This is human nature, that other things in life happen, their schedules and priorities don't mesh with yours, or that they get tired of always seeing you cry. I don't bear them any ill will, because I understand exactly why it happens.

-- LOOKY-LOOS--who want to be part of your story. The drama appeals to them, either to live it with you, or so they gossip to others how much they know, and how much they've helped you. You can either weed these people out, or just ignore them and keep your personal business away from them...........unless you want it broadcast to the known world.

-- JEWELS AND GEMS--those rarest of rare friends, the ones who understand that if you call at 11 PM saying, "I can't stand to be in my house alone tonight" that means they need to get in their car, bring a toothbrush, and sleep on your sofa. These are the rare ones that go out of their way to include you in their holidays or their outings (even if you do kill all the conversation the moment you show up), who check in with your answer machine every day (because you're so demented you don't answer the phone anymore) just to say they're thinking of you , and that they love you. or who surround you as a buffer at those tough social situations.

I'm so very, insanely glad that for the most part I've only seen the gems... There are always going to be the well-mean-ers... and honestly I think that those relationships break down from a lack of friend-chemistry more than anything else... It's hard to be there for someone with whom you don't have anything in common or whom you just don't "click" with... Plus you have to build up "relationship points" (I'll try to explain that in my next blog) and it's hard to build up those points without any common experiences. I've only run into a few looky-loos and runners, but as I mentioned I'm incredibly lucky, because I have 15-20 jewels and gems that I can think of just off the top of my head, and so many more that would be if we just lived in the same place.

Want to HELP someone who's been widowed?
Advice for friends and family

Trying to help someone who's been through loss can be tough. You may offer help, and they may turn you down, they may cry a lot or not show up when you've invited them somewhere. Here's a few ideas on how you can help:

-- Don't lead, FOLLOW. The new widow may not know where they are leading you, or what they'll need tomorrow, but you can just be there when they need it.

-- Give advice cautiously--Don't tell the new widow what to do, unless absolutely necessary (like nuclear disarmament necessary) or unless they ask you. Really. This is their story, and their grief may lead them in all sorts of directions that may not make sense to you, but may be part of their healing.

--Let them go at their own pace . Different people grieve different ways, at different speeds. She may be having a great week, then suddenly have a very tough time with grief. This is normal.

-- Be aware they're not going to be "themselves" for awhile--It's nothing personal, but you may look at your friend or family member and wonder where they've gone, and who is the alien that has taken their place. Grief, like any major life event, changes people.

A lot of times I look at myself and wonder where I've gone and who this needy alien is... But knowing that I have people who love me no matter what alien shows up today is a huge comfort... though I'm not totally sure that I agree with that first suggestion about not leading...It's true I don't know where I'm leading... but it's also true that sometimes I really just want someone else to take over and boss me around and tell me what to do... I'm not used to having this much control over my life. Just give me the plan and let me approve it. Options are overwhelming.

When looking at widows.....
...DON'T JUDGE THEM.

Some will get in a new relationship and be remarried within weeks or months of their spouse's death. Some will blow their money, or neglect their kids, or go through men like potato chips. Some will request meds for depression, and some won't.

To you, the behavior may make no sense, but to them, it is their way...THEIR WAY....of surviving.

Love them anyway, and only interfere if they're doing something really, really stupid (recreational drugs, etc).

Kara told me that the only thing I could do that would be wrong, right now would be to go out get drunk and bring some guy home for the night... and since I don't think mourning gives you a pass on morality... and I'm soooo not the type anyway, I think I'm pretty safe... but it's nice to hear someone saying that I shouldn't be judged since I so often fear other people judgments... I'm not a judger and I think I'm a reasonably cool person... and I think I'm handling this as well as can be expected... through a lot of heavenly grace and a lot of earthly support... but oooh how I hate to think that someone is out there disparaging me and the way I have to handle this. I just want everyone to love me and think I'm awesome... even the Taliban... the only reason they don't love me is cause they don't know me.

Right?

Right, guys?

Feeling Mopey... and sleepy.

Half of the time I want someone to take care of... half of the time I want someone to take care of me, and half the time I just want to be alone... Did you notice that's 3 halves? That's what I'm feeling like now... 3 halves shoved into one whole when there should be two....and about to burst at the seams. Last night I found Nathan's journal spanning from the summer that we got together (for real, this time) until the Christmas eve after we were engaged. It wasn't as full a journal as it sounds.. he was more a once every 2 months kind of journaler...and then once a day for a week... and then once again in the next 2 months. Ach, but I was loved... I'm missing that. I'm missing seeing his grin and the special look in his eyes that he only gave me. I missing holding his hand... That's just not something you can get somewhere else. That look isn't something that just falls off of trees.

Bah.. I'm gonna take a "nap" (for real this time, not like the fake nap I took this afternoon when I just read 325 pages and did not actually nap.) Maybe I'll wake up again before I have to get up in the morning... Maybe at 5AM I'll wake up and not be so mopey and I'll write more then.

In which I quote a lot of other people.

I had a really tough night last night.... Sometimes it just hits you, and the pain that you can so often soften or push away  or distract yourself from overwhelms you. I think I felt it coming all day... thus my mad list of things from yesterday... I managed to keep it at bay nearly all day... but then the night came and I couldn't focus on anything else, and most of my friends were gone or busy... Luckily I found one friend who was online and able to pull me down from the worst of it... It's so much easier  for me to focus on people rather than television or books or even writing. But before I found someone to talk to...for over an hour I just cried and cried and *felt* it. So intense that it actually is a physical pain in that spot right below my breastbone that feels like my center. I was in the midst of "an avalanche of grief." (Someone else's words, not mine.) It's healing to grieve... but this was so much.

Then last night I had a dream... That one of my good friends died in a car accident... and that Nathan came back to life. I even remember saying, "Thank goodness we didn't do an autopsy." I didn't know what to do with my guilt in the dream... the guilt that my husband had come back, when someone else had died... But I was so happy, and not at all concerned that Nathan had suddenly been raised. I think I might read too many vampire books.

Sometimes I forget... and if I forget I *know* that other people do, too... but it's been less than a month... I'm handling it all so "well" that the times when I just get overwhelmed surprise me. Washington Irving says that, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.” 

No I don't know the context of that quote... actually I only found that quote because I was looking for this quote which I read or heard somewhere lately :

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief -
But the pain of grief
Is only a shadow
When compared with the pain
Of never risking love.”
-Hilary Stanton Zunin, Author of The Art of Condolence

I believe that... This hurts... so often and so suddenly... But I also believe in true love, because of Nathan. I *know* that it exists and it happens to ordinary people, and that sometimes it hits you like a stack of mattresses and sometimes it comes sneaking up "on little cat feet," and I can't imagine the person I would be now if I'd spent all this time not knowing that. Epic love isn't "epic" for how it comes into your life, but for how it remains and for your commitment to it.

Ok one last quote... "I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." - Roy Croft

I got the paper today about renewing my lease... such bad timing. I don't want to move out in May... but I'm not really sure if I want to stay here for another whole year and the "per month" prices are insane. I love living next to Kara.... Becca kept saying my life is like college because I live so close to my friends and see them all the time... but moving would make me go through a lot of this *stuff* and get rid of it... Plus, from a  purely practical standpoint I have some of the cheapest rent in town, and until I figure out what I'm going to be doing to make enough money to support myself, I probably shouldn't commit to a higher rate. Maybe I should see if the apartment on the other side of Josh and Kara is opening up...  You think that my  landlord would let me move two doors down? Gosh... the decisions never end.

Also I just edited the HTML on my blog to get rid of some weird formatting issues that happened in this post... I think I'm a rockstar computer genius.

A Day in the Life

Today I:

Woke up sad... and decided that the only way to combat this was to curl my hair... Sometimes the "full armor of God" looks different when you are a girl.

Confirmed that I do not, in fact, work tomorrow.

Cried at church. I made it last week without tears, but I didn't do as well this week.

Came home and watched a little bit of my cable, since it's still on, and I shall miss it so.

Spent several hours hanging out in my office while Jonny hooked me up with a functioning DSL line... and then reset my router so that I would know the password the next time someone comes over with their laptop. I was actually more a presence than useful in any way. For example, here is a conversation we had:
Jonny: Renee, do you have the router administration password?
Renee: .... the router administration password? ....
Jonny: Right, then.

Watched a movie from Netflix on my new DSL just to check and see how the connection is... I was pleasantly surprised. No pausing or buffering in mid movie. Maybe me and DSL can have a functional relationship after all.

Lost a post-it note. Seriously? My house is even relatively clean... There aren't that many places a lime green post-it note could hide... you'd think at least. Lime green! I'm not kidding when I say I type a sentence of this post and then get up and move things around my house searching for this stinkin post-it.

Was convinced that the post-it is doing it on purpose, and is mocking me

Found the Post-it... though I'm still not convinced it isn't mocking me. Look at it's smug green face.

Called the number on the post-it, and left a message.

Deleted 70 emails out of the first 100- mainly e-mails from facebook and blog comments... Not that I'm complaining! It's how I know you care.

Searched for something to do.

Did not order Pajama Jeans. Despite their "smooth butt-lifting design"  and the gray crew neck T-shirt they throw in for free.... Can I be British and spell gray, "grey"?

Wrote this blog post. 

Went and ate some strawberries & Nutella. (Thanks, Lora!)

Keep Holding On

So my cable was scheduled to be turned off Friday, but here I sit on "Saturday night" (aka 1AM Sunday morning) with my cable still intact. I'm hoping this means that I will retain my cable for the long weekend. I've got my AT&T DSL connected so once I get a modem I won't be without internet... (That's kinda my plan for tomorrow, besides church.... buying a modem... Thrilling, eh?) But I'm sure the cable internet is faster, so I'm sticking with it until I have to say goodbye.

You know I say "long weekend," but I technically don't know if I have Monday off... I think that I do, but my boss doesn't pay attention to things like holidays and I always forget to check until the weekend has already started and I've lost my home copy of the leave policy. Well ok, I'm sure it's filed somewhere... but I'll be blamed if I know where. I'll just check when I go in tomorrow. Sometimes working at your church is convenient.

I charged Nathan's phone today... he has 8 new voice mail messages... but I don't know his password... This seems to be a recurring problem... however I assume when I go to talk to Verizon about changing my plan they will be able to let me check them... I called his phone today to hear his voice... probably not my smartest move ever... I just miss him. His phone also automatically signed him on to Skype, and it was a miserable minute and a half as I tried to find Skype on his phone to turn it off.

In other news I have a ridiculous amount of religious studies texts of Nathan's that I don't need or want... What do I do with those if I'm too lazy to put them all on e-bay? So many things that need to be gone through... so little desire to do it.

Being "alone" was a lot easier in college... cause if you got lonely it wasn't a big deal to just walk to someone else's room and ask what they were doing and work on homework together... or watch a movie together... or let the person play video games while you read... now it's a bigger deal. We don't all live in the same building... phone calls and plans and driving and all sorts of things are required to find company. We all have lives and I can't just show up at your door and knock... it's rude, now.

This is a rather disjointed blog tonight, eh? Well in the spirit of disjointed, I'm gonna leave you with a Glee video... I saw it on the episode I was watching the other day and I identified with Quinn (the blonde one who the glee kids are singing "to.") It's not the same storyline (for her, news just got out that she's pregnant and for me it's because I lost my husband) but it's the same support that I feel... and yes, it's hokey, but it's better than the Avril Lavigne video with clips from Eragon. Lay aside that healthy layer of cynicism and just listen to what the people are saying.

Unburdening

I feel heavy tonight. Not sure if it's because I've watched far too much Glee in one day,  if it's normal emotional rollercoaster, if it's because I got a nap today, or if it's because I'm feeling lost today.

Lora Hobbes came by today to pick up the computer and gave me the info to get the ball rolling on Nathan getting awarded his Masters. If we can get everything done quickly he might even be able to graduate in the Spring... which had been his plan before he hurt his back.

I checked Nathan's g-mail and forwarded an e-mail that Wal-greens had sent him to myself... checking my own mail and seeing a new e-mail from "him" was a little like a punch in the gut.

You know I thought I was awkward in social situations before everything happened... I feel so much more awkward now... I want to make other people feel comfortable around me, but no one knows how to deal with me... and I *know* they don't know what to do.... so I catch the looks.... part sadness, part sympathy/pity, and a whole lot of uncertainty and discomfort... and I sit there hoping both that I'm not projecting my pain out of my eyes, and that they can somehow see it anyway.

Sometimes I think full mourning attire isn't such a bad idea... I'd miss colors like crazy, but at least people would know. Today Kara and I were out in public discussing something about Nathan and I suddenly got paranoid that people who might overhear would think this was just a boyfriend we were discussing.. or that I was divorced... and I just wished there was a way to let people know without having to tell them...  a way to clue people in to my screwed up life right now that they would understand without words. It's strange... I want the people close to me to act like I'm normal and strangers to treat me as though I'm fragile.

Part of my issue, I think, is that I don't like to lean on people...Maybe it's from being of stoic country stock... "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." I don't want to burden others... I want to help take up *their* burdens. So, I only have a few people who I trust to lean on. Not that I don't know more people who are worthy... but it takes a special person to really trust that you can lean on them when things are hard... That they will stick it out when you have nothing to give in return. And it's hard to build enough trust to believe that they aren't rolling their eyes at you or complaining behind your back (or even just in their heads) about your neediness. One of my greatest fears is putting my "stuff" onto someone who doesn't want it... I used to be able to trust that I could have most of my emotional needs met in one place... someone who promised that I could trust him without reservation... but he's gone, which creates a much bigger emotional burden to bear- in addition to not having anywhere to take my "normal" stuff to.

Yes, I know the "proper" response to this is to take it to God... That I can trust Him with everything and He will never think it's too great a burden... but what I'm really looking for is "Jesus with some skin on," as the saying goes. But trying to find Jesus with the right skin on at the right time is hard. I fully believe that God brings people into our lives when we need them... but I'm not sure I know how to recognize these people when I see them.

I feel like that little kid in Hook who smushes Robin William's face all around, squinting at him, before finally pushing his skin back towards his ears and crying softly, "There you are, Peter!"

Going through the memories

Today has been a remembering day.

I found a note that I wrote to Nathan in May or June for him to find before he left to go on a St. Louis trip with his Mom- I shall transcribe it for you:

Nathan,
1) I *heart drawing* U!
2)Also- Don't forget to take your oil w/ you & to get more, or get them to change it to something more readily available, or take you off of it, entirely.
3) And don't forget to take Gatorade & snacks
4) And don't forget your pills- I will get your script refill today after work- I forgot!
5) And I *heart drawing* U.
6) And I will miss you
7) And I'm sorry I didn't get to see you very much yesterday. It was a bummer. (Drawing of a mildly detailed sad face with an arrow pointing to it and captioned, "me, bummed.")
8) And I *heart drawing* U, fuzzy-head

Renée

I was cleaning off the laptop that Nathan had during his illness (It's actually MSU's laptop, but he had it because he was still helping do web things and uploading things for the RLOW project) and I found the "Shatner of the Mount" audio file that he uploaded to his phone, so that he could hear it at his slightest whim... I can see him "grooving" to it in my mind.. I think he just grooved to show off because he knew I thought he was funny... and I found a 5 second video of him that he made when testing out our web cams... and watched it about 4 times.

Also because of several suggestions I'm compiling Caring Bridge, Nathan's blog and my blog and going to attempt to put it together into a memoir/book-thing...Yeah me and Justin Beiber are writing memoirs... I mean we are just cool like that. *tosses bangs* Obviously I will have to edit a lot and add things... like the last day... and while I think I need to write about it while it's still solid in my memory, I'm also terrified to go back to that day and re-live. Maybe I'll do that on a day when I know I have plans for that night, just so I don't get stuck there in my head.

Going through my old blog posts brought back a lot of memories of the last 16 months... and now I know the date that Nathan hurt his back... Oct 13th... That was the beginning of the end. I cannot say how incredibly grateful I am that I didn't know then what was coming... I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach during that last week in the hospital, and that was hard enough to deal with... I'm so glad we don't know the future.

Though I have to say I wouldn't mind knowing the future a little right now... Then I would know what to do instead of just muddling through each day as best I can.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

As I sit here with my spoonful of Nutella and ponder the world I think... What? You never sit around with a spoonful of Nutella? It's just one spoonful! That's a serving size! I know it's not healthy, but it's not *that* bad... I don't double dip!

Honestly, my sweets consumption has seriously dropped off... I'm not totally sure why except that my total food consumption has dropped off considerably... Don't worry I'm still eating... but when you aren't concerned all the time with making sure that someone else is eating it's a lot easier to skip meals or just make one fast thing.... "dinner" is an event I don't really want to create. I'd rather just do something easy. Something I don't have to clean up after... something I can just check off the list. As Kara has said, "Grief is an effective diet plan." It's true... I'm just not that hungry... I basically eat cause I know I should...  Which pretty much means I can eat nearly anything and still not hit the 2000 calorie mark... If I could get into some sort of exercise routine I'd be a delicate flower in no time! I should probably start actually taking vitamins instead of just letting them sit on my shelf, huh? (yes, I know it's better if you eat them in foods... but food eating as I have mentioned is hard and I'm still not as interested in the foods that actually deliver the best sources of vitamins)

Seriously... broccoli does not taste good... I don't care how much cheese/butter/salt/miracle ingredient you add to it, it's still gross. And don't even get me started on it's scary white friend, cauliflower.

I think I'm a care taker.. Which is exactly what I needed to be for the last 16 months... (18 months? Sept-Sept = 12 + Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan.)  My gosh... 16 months... That's less than the difference in Nathan and my ages... How was it only 16 months? It feels like so much much longer.

Anyway, I needed to be a caretaker for 16 months... only now I don't know how to redefine myself to be my own caretaker. And even before that..I think that is part of what made our marriage so easy... I was good at taking care of what he needed and he was good at taking care of what I needed....

It might be early to say this, but I'm pretty sure I will marry again- if I can find someone who's interested... Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I've seen firsthand what a wonderful experience it can be, and I don't want to be without that companionship for the rest of my life, if I can help it... Nathan told me he didn't want that either in the "I just want you to be ok" conversation... gosh that conversation was around this time a year ago. Laying in bed in the dark, talking about what might happen, cause neither of us wanted to try and face it in the light... It's a conversation that I never want another person on this earth to have to have... but it's been such a comfort to me as I journey through this strange land of dealing.

In other news I think you should consider being a backer for this band. Four out of the five members of Blackbird Cathedral attend my church and are in the worship rotation... I honestly hadn't heard anything they'd done, until just recently. I'm kinda out of the loop and concerts/shows are not exactly something I'm super comfortable with, so I haven't seen them live... They are almost entirely instrumental, and while I don't really "get" some of their older stuff, they are perfect for me to put on in the background as I sit here and write. Their newest stuff especially evokes the feeling of Nathan for me without a lot of the sadness that the Pandora station he made seemed to create, which is nice. They aren't for everyone, but give 'em a go, will ya?

Thanks, Uz

**Warning: This post contains the "f-word," but there can be no avoiding it... so if you will be offended just skip this post.**

Yesterday, I got a card in the mail from the Dept. of Religious Studies. It was signed by several people, with sweet notes and remembrances about how wonderful Nathan was... and then I read the sentiment on the left edge in the middle. Written with a pen that was desperately trying to give out on the author, someone printed,

"Fuck Cancer.
In my eyes, he won."

With an intelligible scrawl of a name that resembles "Uz."

I laughed uproariously.

Got a lot of livin'

To be fair, in the midst of my rough day, yesterday I did have some happy times.

My cousin, Becca, is visiting. Plus she, several other friends, and I got together and played a game last night, and that was a lot of fun...Opportunities to laugh are precious- especially in the midst of the day I had.

Today was easier emotionally... but I did sit in the middle of my living room floor for 5 hours just organizing all the insurance papers and hospital bills. Don't ever get cancer.. it's bad for the environment.

Today I got Valentine's cookies from Bill and Paula... and a friend stopped by and gave me a hug... I'm not a touchy kinda gal, but hugs are pretty nice... at least if I consider you a friend they are... If we barely know each other... maybe not... I think after the funeral and the hundreds of handshakes, people want to give me space.. and sometimes I want it... and sometimes I wish that someone would reach out to me....

I think that's one of the weirdest parts of my current state of grief... I want to be totally left alone... except that I want people to give me hugs... I want to take a nap... so I don't and am up until 1:30, 1:45,  2:00 writing a blog post. I decide to let someone else handle the insurance stuff... so I spend 5 hours getting it organized. I'm just a big ball of contradictions... a conundrum pie. I mean I know I'm a girl and supposedly have a proclivity to being totally contradictory in what I want... but I've never been that type of girl... Nathan would have testified... I'm more a steady, reliable (predictable) kinda gal... And now looking at myself from the outside I think- "That's it! She's gone loco!"

Today someone said to me, "Oh you're the widow. The widow of that young man." Please, Lord, don't let that be my defining characteristic for long. I don't want to live a life defined by his death. I can't stay in that ICU room in my mind... I've got a lot of living to do... leastaways that's what Conrad Birdie would tell me.

Hard day...

Today is in a word: "hard."

I went back to work today.... and that was way tougher than I expected. I think because it is something that I used to do and Nathan would show up randomly just to surprise me, or bring me lunch, or I would go home and make him lunch the last month or so... So I was at work today and I kept thinking about him, and seeing his face and remembering how much we loved having lunch together and had to keep remembering over and over that it wasn't going to happen anymore.

Added to that, the day, is kinda a holiday. You may have noticed? It has a lot of pink and red and references to love. It was all over facebook. I've had 5 "coupled" Valentine's Days in my life... all with Nathan. I was looking forward to having all of the rest of my Valentine's with him, and being able to put my lack of a romantic history on a shelf labeled "sweet but pathetic past" Only now I find myself here again.... and I have to add broken-hearted to the mix. I mean, I know that he wanted to be here... it's not as though he chose this, but I think my heart can still be broken that he's not here anymore. Well even if I don't think it can- it is.

As I've mentioned, Nathan was learning to play the ukulele... mainly because he loved music so much and the guitar was way too much for him, during the last months... He was going to learn how to play the "It's a Wonderful World/Somewhere over the Rainbow" mix that was popular a few years ago by Israel Kamakawiwo Ole' (Just looked that name up.) He was going to learn it, because I asked him to.... it came on my Pandora station today and it was all I could do to keep from turning into a sobbing mess at work.

Today is also when I started to realize how much I don't know, because I let Nathan handle it... For instance, my wireless password... I don't know it. (Someone is gonna help me figure out how to reset it.) but more than that... I'm switching to a different internet provider, because cable wanted to charge me more than twice what I was previously paying... but I don't actually know how to set up the modem and router at all. I know that I need them, and I know that we used to have them, but I don't know if I still have the modem we used the last time... nor do I know how to talk to the hospital to find out why they have sent me 3 statements for 3 different amounts within a week of each other... And honestly I don't *want* to... I really don't want to have to deal with my life and figuring everything out, yet... I just want to deal with each day as it comes, but I feel like I have to look to the future or I'm gonna get buried. I'm just freaking out and I don't have Nathan telling me to trust him and that everything is going to be ok. I miss him taking care of me.

Everything is changing and I just wanted it to be the same...I just wanted... more.

There is no normal

I have wonderful friends. Spent yesterday with several of them, and I can say with great authority that they are wonderful.

I'm doing laundry today.. It's been such a long time that I pretty well have 5 loads...But it's not all my clothes! Towels, Sheets, some of Nathan's things... that's all in there, too. I mean I have a fair amount of clothes and all... but I just wanted to be clear lest you judge me. I know of course that you won't, but I have a tendency to choose safe over sorry.

I read a widow book... I think it best to start using this term, because like "cancer" it's something I have to get used to and avoiding it doesn't do me a lot of good. Anyway the book was relatively helpful... It's odd to me that anyone under the age of 45 is considered to be a "young widow." Not that I at all begrudge sharing the title with whomever wants to be called a "young widow" but it does make me feel even more odd. I had started thinking that 27 was getting older... Not old, just getting old... Getting to be someone who should have their life figured out... But since everything has happened I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I'm just a kid. I'm glad we got married a little young so that we could have 2 years of "normal" marriage before everything went crazy, but now I look at my life and wonder how in the world there has been time to deal with everything I/we faced. He hadn't even turned 26 yet. And if he'd been 43 I'd still be a "young widow?" I'm a baby widow!

The widow book did say something that I disagree with... It says, "Widows are angry. That's a fact. Some admit it , some deny it-- and some don't even know it." Maybe it's the generality of this statement that I dislike... or maybe I am in denial, but I'm not angry. Sad, yes. Upset, yes. Have a possibility of taking this sadness and upset-ness out on well-meaning people, yes. But I'm not angry.  I don't understand. I never will understand why this had to happen... but the only thing that's left for me is trust in God's plan. If I didn't believe that God had a plan I'd never be able to get through this, and yes I probably would be incredibly angry. But I know that Nathan's doctors and nurses were fighting just as hard as we were, and I know that Nathan was fighting harder than any of us. Our hand got forced by the disease over and over and over... and while I will maintain that Cancer Sucks forever, there is little use in getting mad at a disease. It isn't going to apologize or feel remorse. It isn't going to feel anything at all, and I can't keep that kind of hate and anger inside myself, cause it will hurt my soul just as badly as the cancer hurt Nathan's body.

That said, there are a lot of other things in the book that I really identified with and understood. Most of all I found it entirely encouraging that pretty much anything that I feel or think or do is within the range of "normal." Mainly because there is no normal when faced with this kind of situation.... (except apparently to be angry... Bit of a contradiction, that). And other people had told me that.. but you know how it's different when someone who doesn't *have* to say it (cause they are looking you right in the face) does.

I don't want people to avoid talking about Nathan around me. I miss him and I like hearing stories about him, and in a way it validates me. I don't want for him to become the white elephant in the room. I'd rather talk about him and tear up every once in a while than feel like he's forgotten and cry by myself. I know I'm awfully good at pretend, but I don't want to pretend him away. I don't think I could.

Grief and Harry Potter

Today was pretty good. I got up and stumbled to the computer to check on things and got in a conversation with Kara that lasted approximately 1 minute before she told me to come meet her for lunch (Weird sleep schedule). So I got dressed and out the door really quickly, and had a lovely lunch... and then came home and planned out the evening... and by "planned out" I mean "decided which movie we were going to go see." We settled on Harry Potter, - at the cheap theater!

I am not convinced that Harry Potter was the best choice. I wanted to see it and I probably would have regretted not seeing it, but it was a little hard. It's only the first half of the book, so it's not as though there is a satisfying conclusion or anything... and there is a lot of death... and death of the good guys. In fact this movie was bookended with the deaths of some major supporting characters... I'd forgotten. So it was hard... especially right at the end.. I don't want to spoil anything, but suffice it to say that Harry holds a character as he dies... I cried far more than I would have under normal circumstances... cause I wasn't really crying for Harry... Grief is so sneaky.  It just comes up and hits you when you least expect it... and you forget death in books and movies cause it isn't really real... until you have an experience that makes it real and then you wonder how you could have ever forgotten. Why am I not more sensitive to this until I'm already in the midst of it? You'd think that of all the people in my life I would be the most aware of the possibility... but I'm totally oblivious until I'm crying because Harry is in the cemetery where his parents are buried.

More and more I think that I'm handling grief in an unusual way. (I think it is safe to say that it is in part due to my incredible self-less support system, and in part due to the tremendous prayers that I know are going up for me constantly.) I don't think that my way of handling all of this is bad or wrong... (Honestly, I don't think there are very many way to handle grief that are bad or wrong) but I don't feel like mine is a "normal" experience, either. If I went through the "5 stages" I feel like I went through them when Nathan was diagnosed, or very quickly... and I miss him intensely, and there are so many experiences I wish that he could have had, or we could have had together. (He would have been such an incredible dad.) But at the same time, I know he's happy now... I know he's pain-free. And I even know that their are some babies up in heaven who he can be a daddy to. Everything on Earth... it's all me stuff... It's how I'm doing, what I'm feeling, how I'm coping... and that's not really what matters most to me. What matters to me is that he's doing ok, and I know that he is. It's not a matter of my strength.. it's a matter of trust.

It helps too, that I have a blog on which to pour out my feelings. And friends who talk to me until far past when they should go to sleep. And people who have never even met us who send me sweet facebook messages and cards and comments. And a God who has been right by my side giving me exactly what I need to get through. If you can't see His hand in my life, please ask me, and I can give you example upon example.

So basically, yes, I cry more than I ever have before... But I have no regrets about my life with Nathan. I loved him as hard and as much and as well as I could, and he knew it and reciprocated. There was nothing unsaid, there were no secrets and no doubts, so maybe that all makes this a little easier in the land of not-at-all-easy. Or at least that's what I'll try to keep on telling myself on the days when it gets harder... I certainly know my life is still going to be a rollercoaster for a while... but I also know that someday I'll be able to write a post that doesn't revolve around grief... and Harry Potter.

I might be getting addicted....

I found the section of Blogger that tells me how many page views I have and I think I might be addicted to checking it... It's nice to know that people care... or are at least mildly interested in me.

Today was.... mainly good. I had to clean off the cars, which is never a fun time... and I took most of Nathan's clothes away to be stored for a while... and that was heavy... in many ways. But I also got to hang out with a 2 different friends and that was nice.

Oh and that sweater I mentioned? I got it... for $16.50! If I'd bought it a mere 12 days ago I would have paid 54 dollars for it.. and I got it for 16 freaking 50. It was quite exciting... Other purchases today include a new coat (I've been meaning to buy a new one all winter), a chain for my rings, a book, and a shirt that I got 10 dollars off of. All this and I still have Christmas money left over (I kinda didn't have a chance to get out and spend it.) Yes, all this purchasing does make me feel a little bit better.. and yes I know it's a better that doesn't last and perhaps it makes me bit materialistic and shallow.... but I'm just going to have to hope that you will forgive me and still love me anyway.

Finally went out and checked the mail.... lots of cards... they made me cry. :-s I find myself having to over-eyeline, if I'm going to go out because invariably if I don't, I'll cry it all off before I actually get out of the house. Of course I don't have this problem if I just stay in, but that might be the most pathetic excuse ever to stay home. For some reason I am concerned about how I look when I go out more than I have been definitely since college, maybe ever. I'm not sure why... possibly because I don't want people to guess about me.... I'd rather they assume that everything is fine than to try and figure out in their heads why that girl looks like a train wreck... Or maybe it's because I don't want anyone to ask me what is wrong (I know how self-centered am I, that I think if I look like crap people will come up and ask me what is wrong). I definitely haven't mastered a graceful way to explain myself/the situation if someone doesn't know...

I think I might be getting sick. Not like the measles or anything, but there is something in the back of my throat today.... it would make sense... 1) I've been in close contact with about 500 people's germs in the past week and a half.... oh gosh it's only been that long?!? 2) Grief and not eating well/correctly can lower your immune system  and 3) My body hasn't really been allowed to get sick for a year and a half.... so it might be crashing now, the same way it used to after a show... when it knows it's safe. It's sad though, cause I always get clingy when I'm sick... only N's not here to cling to. (He really did make me feel better, if I was sick. Most effective placebo ever.) But let's just hope I'm wrong and my throat feels weird because I've not been drinking enough water.... in fact, I think I'll go get some hydration right now... and maybe some vitamin c tablets... fruit not exactly been a stable of my diet...

Better for a while

Today is the day. I'm really going to get out for the first time since Mon. I think it was Monday, at least.

Today I'm getting coffee with a friend, going to try and drop some of Nathan's things by his aunt's, going to go buy a sweater, and possibly a different chain (necklace), going to go to the bookstore and see if the Nook light that Nathan was getting me for Christmas is in and browse the "so you are a widow... what now?" section.... I already tried to browse the library and they don't really have anything.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty that so much of the pain and loneliness is also tinged with relief. I don't think most people really knew how hard things were-- especially in Dec and Jan. Nathan never wanted people to know how much he was hurting... It was nearly impossible to hide it from me, as I was the keeper of the pain meds, and I could read him so well. But he hurt so much... and his pride hurt so much... He was such an independent spirit... using that walker was a misery for him... not being able to drive.. not even being able to sleep next to me at night. It was all emotionally devastating... I'd never seen him cry so much, and there was nothing that I could do. So that's why there is relief... and I don't think that anyone begrudges me that... I wish that I had more time with him, of course. But it's *so* good to know he isn't hurting and there are no more tears.

I just got a call that my cousin Becca is coming to visit me! For those of you who don't know, Becca was in the Peace Corps and lived in Panama for 3 years. She couldn't be in our wedding because she was in training to go to Panama (she would have been green, a color she had requested many many moons ago.) She hasn't found a job yet, so she's been a nomad, visiting her brother and sister-in-law and helping with their new baby, and now she's coming to see me. She's pretty much awesome and we fake argue all the time. Also in my humble opinion she's very "Vineyard." Maybe she should stay in Springfield. She is very excited about Askinose, as a lot of what she did in Panama centered around chocolate production, so we are going to go tour it on Tuesday. I've never toured Askinose, so that should be fun!

Ok I need to go get dressed, since I'm getting out of the house today. :) Feeling happy for the moment- shall not look into the future.

Rememberin'

I was going to try and get out today... but I didn't. Ok the fault mainly lies with the snow, which messed up some plans, and made me not want to deal with the rest of the plan. It did mean that Kara was off of work and could come over and read notes that she wrote me in college (and laugh hysterically at herself) and show me things that we wrote together and I apparently promptly forgot about. And here I thought my memory was so great!

 Last night I found a note that Nathan wrote to Kara and I a few weeks into his freshman semester.



































He was always so sweet. He wouldn't normally think of flowers or presents or romantic gestures, but he was always so generous with compliments and with telling me how much he loved me... I really miss hearing that. He told me every single day that he loved me.... usually several times a day. There are always things that you start to get used to when you see someone all the time, habits that you let fall away, but he never let go of that one... and I'm so grateful for that cause even one less I love you wouldn't be enough.

Staying afloat

I've had two people in the past week tell me I should consider writing as some sort of supplemental income... I think this sounds heavenly... but also totally unreliable as a source of income. How does one write and make money, besides being a journalist? I mean yes, please make me the next Stephanie Meyer.... but could you pay me in advance first? That won't be any trouble, right? For now I shall try to start blogging much more frequently, and consider turning my fingers toward composing the next Great American Young Adult Obsession.

I don't really know what tone I should take anymore... I go back and forth between feelings faster than a clock pendulum... I almost said faster than a grandfather clock... but I was a bit afraid that wouldn't make any sense. Mainly because it wouldn't.

I told a few people this yesterday, but it was a hard day- yesterday. Almost entirely because I started packing up Nathan's clothes... It might sound weird, but I was strangely looking forward to it... because I thought that while packing away his things I would be able to smell him. I've always been the type of person who has strong associations with smells. Last year when some dear souls cleaned our apartment for us they commented on how many smelly things I have... from my dishwashing soap to my hand soap to my candles to my home fragrance oils...I even have trashbags that are scented. So while I knew that putting away Nathan's clothes would be hard I was looking forward to his scent... Only one problem. Real life isn't like the movies or books, apparently. I don't have anything that I can put in a sealed container and open up again years later just to catch a whiff of his scent...Nathan had been growing so quickly because of the steroids, he hadn't worn any of his old clothes for months... and he'd barely worn any of his new clothes... and for the last week he'd only worn hospital gowns... so there isn't anything that smells like him. He wasn't even using a pillow since he couldn't lay down. I have his body wash and his deodorant... but there isn't anything that is all that mixed up with his own chemistry to make the smell that is uniquely *him.* And in some ways that makes it more real than anything else could.

I'm also feeling the lonely-ness. It wasn't always this way, but in the past few months Nathan and I were only out of each other's company when I was at work or for a few hours at a time. Plus I've always been one to want to be around others. Nathan and I both just wanted to be in the same room as each other.... we didn't have to be doing the same thing, or even really paying any attention to each other, but the physical presence, and the knowledge that if I laughed at something there was someone with whom to share the joke... I miss that. I've never been one to crave alone time, despite how shy I am. So now I find myself pestering friends and acting like a complete nincompoop... What's that? You have a job/spouse/family/life that needs you? You are picking up all the slack that I have dropped? Are you suuuuure you don't want to just sit around with me? I shan't be entertaining or amusing or even mildly interesting... I'll just putter about. I swear I feel like a needy  puppy. I don't particularly like needy puppies.

Added to this, the fact that for the first time in my life I can't seem to sleep for more than 8 hours (though granted those 8 hours are normally from 4 AM to noon) and I'm not even sure that I recognize myself...I have no doubt that I'll get used to everything, eventually, and I'll stop acting like a maniac... or perhaps at least stop *feeling* like I'm acting like a maniac... The problem is that I really don't know what I want... I'm searching for the perfect place/attitude/thing to do... and nothing is right, cause the person who would make it right isn't here. So instead I just want someone to boss me around and tell me where to go and who I should talk to and give me rules... Nathan was the one who was good with open endings. I just want my world to stop spinning, and I'm clinging to any sense of stability.

Is this to personal for a blog? I think that you have started to become a diary.. or maybe a therapist. I don't know how interesting that will be to all of you... though you probably will feel like you know me... I'm a bit of an open book on here and given my current mercurial state it's probably going to vacillate between sad and ridiculous quite often, so that may be reason enough to stay tuned... You see...  I need for you to read this... I need your expectations. They keep me afloat.

Missing

It's been a long time.... in emotions if not in actual time.... Though I suppose 3 months is a long time for a blog.

Nathan (my husband... as if there is anyone who reads my blog who doesn't know me) passed away on Jan 29. He would have been 26 on Jan 31st. He was buried in Ft Smith on Friday... and I came back to our apartment yesterday for the first time. His ukulele that he bought after Christmas and named Ukiko (he said it meant "child of joy or happiness") is still sitting next to his armchair. His clothes are still in the closet. The Pandora station is still tuned to his "acoustic new age" station... and it all makes me miss him so much. Granted the acoustic new age-ness probably doesn't help pull me out of it cause it all sounds so melancholy. But my heart is hurting. Sometimes it just feels like a big hole is ripped right out of the center of me. Everyone has been so incredibly kind to me, and I'm so grateful... and I know he is free of all the pain that was becoming his life and I'm grateful for that, too. But I miss him.

I know this isn't the stuff my blog normally consists of... no mention of hats or lemon bars. But it's a place where I can be honest and it's a place where I can pour out some of the grief, and I know you will all understand or just not read. I don't really know how to handle any of this... I don't really know anyone who's gone through something like this at my age. Everyone says they can't imagine what I'm going through... most of the time I can't imagine it either... perhaps that's just shock.... It still doesn't seem real, most times.

As I've said before I get really worried about what other people think of me... My friends have told me several times that I'm allowed to do/act/feel any way that I want right now and that I shouldn't give two cents about other people cause they will get over it... but I suppose it is my tragic flaw, if people other than characters in Greek dramas can have them. I worry about what people think of me going sledding the day after we buried Nathan... but I know that he wanted me to be happy and sliding down a hill for a few hours helps me forget... I know that the Twilight books aren't exactly considered epic works of great literature, but I understand what Bella is doing in New Moon when she starts trying dangerous things. There is something about doing something dangerous that makes you feel more alive. Don't worry, I'm not gonna start jumping off cliffs (still can't swim!) or learning how to drive a motorcycle.... In fact, sledding is as dangerous as it will get... but the physicality of it gives me something to focus on that isn't sorrow. Shooting down the hill gives me freedom... and soreness the next day.... but mainly it gives me the chance to laugh.

Groups are hard for me right now. With just one person I can be sad and then distract myself and be happy and I don't have to worry about killing the mood or jumping around too quickly... at least not if the person I'm talking to is patient. I have no doubt that Nathan is happy and in a better place than this broken old world with it's pain and disease. But seeing him looking like the sculpture of the man I love... still breaks my heart. I didn't want him to leave, but I knew he had to. I just don't know what to do with what's left. Now I'd like to ask your forgiveness as I indulge myself in some mediocre but heartfelt poetry.

It's all just sticks and stones and guessing games
wishing I was six
and life was just pretend
There isn't a future
just coloring pages and hopscotch
and angels in the snow.

With closed eyes I can
rest on your shoulder
hear "it's gonna be ok."
But pretend has never been able to hide truth
not when it's love
not when it's death

There was supposed to be more-
time to grow up
to become adults rather than just playing at it
wish I had the rest of my life
to be a kid with you.

I was so blessed to be yours
and to be thought a treasure
to feel the pride and love
coming from your eyes if for too short a time

Life won't stay mournful strings forever
though I'm not sure which is harder
holding on
or letting go.

Yeah... I should probably change the Pandora station, huh?