Fear

Went to the Precious Moments Chapel today in Carthage. Carthage, for those of you who don't know, is just a hop, skip, and jump away from Joplin and we went to see our family who live between the two. Something I almost talked about last night, but was feeling just a tad too emotional to put into words was my dread of the next day. Why?  Well, I'm afraid of Joplin.

There, I said it.

I am. I'm really afraid of Joplin. Not because of anything about the place or the people, but because I'm afraid of the triggers. I'm afraid of their tragedy, because I'm afraid of it bringing my own pain/hurt/stuff to the surface. And when I get afraid of one thing I think about all the things I'm afraid of... and let me tell you, there is a heck of a lot that I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of having a life defined by a death. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid I'll only ever be "ok" and never be really happy again (Please don't get me wrong, I'm not desolate and I still have a lot of moments of joy in my life... but my base/default emotion is not what it once was.) I'm afraid of never again having someone to be vulnerable and safe with. I'm afraid of cancer... I'm so flipping afraid of cancer and losing someone else. I'm just afraid of losing someone else in general, no matter the method. I'm afraid of not having someone to lean on when that does eventually happen. I'm afraid of being needy and dependent. I'm afraid of hurting people, I'm afraid of being hurt. I'm afraid of telling the truth and being judged for it, I'm afraid of not telling the truth and not being myself. I'm afraid of not being understood and not understanding, of being right and being wrong.

I'm afraid I might never meet Darren Criss (from Glee), so he will never fall in love and propose to me after talking to me for a mere hour.

I can tell Darren is also afraid of this. Look at his eyes. It's obvious.

I'm afraid that even joking about that just now has made someone pull back in shock or disgust. But do you know what it's like to lose your best friend, your love, and your constant companion all in one blow? It's devastatingly lonely, because the only one who could be your rock and make it just a little bit more ok is the one who isn't here to help. I'm (nearly, only) 28. I haven't lived a good long life. My husband didn't die because of old age. We were completely devoted to each other... completely in love.. I think if you ever saw us together that would have been very obvious... but he's gone now and I'm still here, and I have the rest of my life stretching before me like a surrealist painting that I'm not sure if I should be excited for or terrified of... And if Darren tries to sweep me off my feet, I'm not going to say no, just because I once was married to a wonderful guy, who wanted me to be ok if he had to leave me.

Nathan was not my life. I want to scream that from the rooftops sometimes. Nathan was my love but he was not my life or my soul. If he was then I wouldn't still be here, or if I was I would be in some hospital room, in a coma for the next 50 years or so, a living shell. Sometimes that would be a heck of a lot easier than dealing with everything as it stands, but I would never have wanted that for Nathan if our circumstances were reversed and he didn't want that for me.

So, if you have to judge me, please do so now, while I can't see your face. Cause I do care what you think, but the only person who gets to decide when I'm ready to date/be in a relationship is me (and the Good Lord, so pray for His timing if you think mine seems questionable). Not random rules, not grief books, not well-meaning friends. Welcome to my assertion of independence.

Table for unprovoked belligerence, party of one?

We didn't actually go to Joplin today... just got really close. I was so relieved... and maybe that's a lesson in and of itself... Perhaps the thing that we dread (like admitting to all the people who read your blog that you want to date and find someone and be swept off your feet, again) isn't actually a reason to fear, after all.