I'm writing a blog now, because I expect to be out late tonight. There is a drive-in movie theater about an hour or so away and several of us are going to see a couple of movies, and have a picnic and just a blast, generally. At least that is the plan: blast having.
Every now and again I remember what life was like 6 months ago and it feels completely unreal... like I have someone else's memories. I have no clue how I got through some of the things that we dealt with on a regular basis. I have no idea how Nathan kept up his smile. I have no inkling of how I managed to keep it all together. I had a dream last night that I barely remember. Sometimes that's what it all seems like. A dream that I barely remember the details of... and yet there are pictures and diplomas and death certificates, so apparently the whole world was having the same dream as I was. But it loses it's reality, without that anchor point in my life... and I start forgetting details until I lean too far back in the computer chair and it makes a pop noise and I remember how Nathan sat in this chair so much after his back started hurting, and how he would just sit here and fall asleep even in the middle of a conversation with me, and feel so bad, but not be able to help it. And then I remember buying the chair and how good and agile he was then (about a year ago), and I just don't understand, still, how everything in my life could have possibly turned so completely upside down in such a short amount of time. How does my life look the way it does now? How am I dealing with these issues now? Maybe the dream feeling is a coping mechanism, because it's easier to pretend like none of it really happened than to experience the love and the pain in all the memories. Or maybe it's the natural next step in moving beyond the grief.
I watch people in the grocery store... and I just feel so different. So out of sync. Seriously. I felt like this in high school. Maybe that's part of why it all feels so surreal... because I'm feeling the same things I did 10 years ago... just looking for a way to feel like I belong here again. It's rather ironic that the girl who just desperately wants to belong is the one who always seems to feel so different. Why isn't there an app for that?
I just went from inexplicably devastated back to thrilled in the course of one minute and 2 phone calls. And in a surprising move, God pulls through with perfect timing. Oh yeah, maybe sometimes it isn't about me.
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